Chapter Text
If you're a thought
you will want me
to think you.
And I did and did.
(Tori Amos - Scarlet's Walk)
Taking a walk across the grounds after the end of the Welcoming Feast was a habit, almost a ritual of hers. One that Hermione Granger looked forward to every time the summer holidays drew to an end. And for the past two years, one that Crookshanks had accompanied her on. She looked around at her cat's bottle-brushed tail and smiled. While she'd missed her friends, he'd missed the freedom the castle granted him. With one last glance back at her, he leapt away into the upcoming darkness. Hermione sighed.
Normally, she was buzzing with energy during the last few weeks before the new term started. After all the leisure time that at some point she never knew how to fill anymore, she longed for the school routine. She needed something to do!
But this year, she needed something else more: Answers.
A little more than two months had passed since Harry had faced Voldemort and Cedric had died, and so far none of them had heard anything. It seemed like nothing had happened. Or no one wanted to tell them about it. During the last few days that they'd spent together at number 12 Grimmauld Place, they'd tried to snoop around a bit but to no avail. Everything, everyone, was quiet.
This silence made her nervous. Voldemort had returned. There had to be consequences! For years, Harry had prevented exactly this from happening. He'd risked his life for it (and Ron and she sometimes theirs). And now nothing was happening?
Hermione frowned. She didn't even know what exactly she'd imagined would happen if Voldemort managed to return, but it hadn't been this.
She shook her head, trying to push the thoughts of Voldemort and what had happened at the end of the Triwizard Tournament aside, concentrating on the warm air and the silence surrounding her here on the grounds – and for a second even on the nervous tingling in her stomach. She and Ron had been appointed Prefects; she was excited and looking forward to her new duties. The meeting with the Head Boy and Girl on the train earlier had only answered some of her questions, she wanted to know more!
But then she pushed that aside as well. For now. It was her first evening at Hogwarts, her moment of peace, alone, just to see the grounds and remember that the castle was more than a school. It had become her second home. She'd been longing to do this for days and this year she'd had to wait even longer than usual.
Normally she had no trouble stealing away soon after the Welcoming Feast. Lavender and Parvati usually didn't pay much attention to her and Harry and Ron were far too busy with themselves, Quidditch, the luggage and Quidditch to even notice that she disappeared for some time.
Today, however, they'd given her a hard time. What had happened – or rather, the lack of happenings over the summer – made all of them nervous. For hours, Hermione had longingly eyed the grounds through the windows, silently promising that she would make up for it. Later. In the evening. At night if necessary. She just needed this walk, this year even more than usual. After spending the last days at Grimmauld Place, huddled so close together that she hadn't found a single minute of peace anywhere, all the students in the common room had been too much. She needed fresh air, she needed to breathe.
Well, it was not yet night, but there was only a faint warm glow left on the horizon. The memory of a late summer day. All around her, crickets were chirping in the tall grass, the water in the lake gurgled softly, and every now and then she could see the tentacles of the Giant Squid glide along the surface. In the sky, the first owls were flying through the twilight, hunting mice. And behind her lay the castle, its windows shining in the dawning night. It was positively buzzing with energy.
Hermione sighed and continued on her way. This first round across the grounds was different every year. On her very first evening at Hogwarts, she'd fled here to have the cry she'd needed. Everything had been new and strange and overwhelming, no one had really liked her, she'd missed her parents and above all, she'd been afraid of disappointing everyone. Of not being good enough to be part of this world. She'd never spent the first evening after the summer holidays like that ever again. A little wistful, yes, but never so desperate. Last year, she'd gone down to Hagrid's. She'd seen his enthusiasm for the Triwizard Tournament at the Welcoming Feast and had decided to visit him. Today she gave his abandoned hut a wide berth.
Instead, she walked towards the outer boundary of the grounds. Hogsmeade was visible from here, the houses standing out like miniatures against the last pink glow of the setting sun. At some point, she came to stand in front of the most unremarkable fence she'd ever seen. No one who didn't know Hogwarts would guess how much magic was anchored in this plain wood. It was, for now, the end of safety.
Hermione's heartbeat quickened as she reached out and reverently stroked the rough surface. She almost expected to be able to feel the magic. Maybe a tingling sensation on her skin or her hair standing on end, but nothing like that happened. She crossed her arms in front of her chest as she turned away and got going again, trailing along the fence. Lost in thoughts, letting herself fall into that gracious silence she'd been missing for the last few days.
Until there was a plop behind her.
Hermione whirled around, her gaze scanning the dim landscape, and finally spotted the person who had just Apparated. He stood swaying on the other side of the fence, a man, judging by his size. Now the hairs on the back of her neck did stand on end and Hermione took cover behind a tree close to her. Breathlessly she watched what was going to happen.
The man was cloaked in wide, black robes; a white mask was clearly visible even in the sparse light. Her heart leapt. A Death Eater! She pressed herself harder against the trunk, wondering what to do now. She had to tell someone! But how? She couldn't run back to the castle without him noticing her!
Rattling gasps shattered the silence and her thoughts. Hermione could see trembling fingers groping for the wood of the fence, brushing over it erratically, close to where she herself had just touched it. The Death Eater braced himself against the fence when he swayed even more, then he scrambled to the other side, staggering and groaning, only to sink to his knees.
Hermione forced herself to breathe quietly, not to move, not to make a sound. Was this what they'd been waiting for all summer long? A Death Eater who managed to sneak into Hogwarts? But it didn't exactly look like an attack … He crouched motionless on the ground, his hands resting on the lawn in front of him. He hung his head and looked as if he was trying not to lose consciousness with the last of his strength. Indecisively, she shifted her weight from one leg to the other, gnawing on her lower lip and clawing her fingers into the hard bark of the tree.
Eventually, the man had to give up and toppled to the side. Hermione winced. For two, three seconds she stared at the black heap on the ground, then she hesitantly crept closer and turned him onto his back. The white mask slid down, exposing Professor Snape's pale face. Hermione gasped. Of course! How had she forgotten that he was …
She shook her head and let her gaze wander over his lean form, but there were no obvious injuries. Hermione reached out tentatively to touch his neck; his skin was cold with sweat, his pulse racing. The sleeve of his robe had slipped up a little, exposing part of the Dark Mark. It was glowing red and … She narrowed her eyes, bending closer over it. She gasped again. It had burnt the top layers of skin from the inside out.
For a moment, Hermione turned her head away and exhaled slowly. Then she pulled her wand out of her cloak. “Mobilcorpus!” she commanded in a weak voice, and Professor Snape's body rose vertically into the air. Hastily, she levitated him up to the castle.
“Madam Pomfrey!” Hermione's shout echoed in the empty infirmary, the double doors behind her loudly banging against the wall from her violent push.
For seconds only silence answered her, then there was a rumble behind the door to her left. A moment later, the healer came stumbling out of her office, one foot only half stuck in her pink slipper and her magical curlers trying to pull themselves back onto her head, spinning hastily.
“What happened?” she blurted, pulling the twisted dressing gown over her shoulders.
“Professor Snape! He needs help!” Hermione panted and levitated him onto one of the vacant beds, her wand trembling as she placed him down.
Madam Pomfrey rushed to him, instantly oblivious to Hermione's presence. She moved her wand as Hermione had never seen it before and when the results of the spells appeared above his torso, glowing blue letters that were hanging in mid-air, the healer studied them with a worried expression. Taking a hissing breath, she cast more spells. This time, no letters were rising into the air, this time, they were healing spells. Hermione watched her with wide eyes and held her breath when Snape suddenly began to twitch and convulse. In a loud voice, Madam Pomfrey cast another spell Hermione didn't know, then she disappeared from her sight and said something to her that didn't reach Hermione's mind. She could only stare at Snape, writhing on the bed, unconscious, uttering sounds she'd never before heard in her life, not from anyone and especially not from Snape! Not from him …
“Miss Granger!” Madam Pomfrey eventually barked next to her and she flinched.
“Yes!” she blinked.
“Get Professor Dumbledore, girl!”
“Um … sure, yeah, that … yes.” She nodded and rashly spun around herself before leaving the hospital wing running.
The Headmaster met her halfway, his wide robe billowing behind him, making him more than ever look like an aged hero from a Muggle comic. His footsteps echoed loudly in the deserted hallway and a grim expression was edged onto his face.
Hermione sobbed with relief. “Professor Dumbledore …” she began, but he waved her off.
“I know, Miss Granger.” He briefly grabbed her by the shoulder and nodded.
“But … how?”
“I have my sources.” Despite himself, he winked at her and forced a smile onto his lips. “Go back to Gryffindor Tower and tell Harry I want to see the both of you later tonight.”
Hermione nodded and kept staring at the Headmaster as he hurriedly continued on his way. She felt nauseous and her heart was still pounding in her throat. Crossing her arms, she started walking towards Gryffindor tower.
When she entered the common room, silence fell over her like a heavy curtain, crashing against the roaring in her ears. It felt as if she'd suddenly gone deaf.
She blinked the sensation away and eventually spotted Harry and Ron, snuggled into some armchairs in front of the fire. They'd fallen asleep, Ron was snoring softly. Hermione gulped and went over to Harry and gently shook him awake. “Harry, wake up!” she whispered, careful not to wake Ron. Telling Harry what had happened was difficult enough, she didn't feel up to facing both her friends' questions at the same time.
“What …” Harry mumbled, stirring awkwardly. His glasses sat askew on his nose, which he only noticed when he tried to focus his gaze on Hermione. “Where have you been?” he asked as he straightened them. Then he sat up in the armchair and stretched his arms, yawning.
“Outside. I … I may have s-saved Professor Snape's life.” Her whisper sounded frantic and breathless and she wiped her forehead as the meaning of her words suddenly hit her. But … that was what she'd done, wasn't it? Professor Dumbledore had said he had his sources, but would he have found Snape in time if she hadn't been there? She felt dizzy.
“Sit down!” Harry said, standing up before grabbing her by the shoulders and pushing her into his chair. He was squatting in front of her when she blinked, looking at her, his lips a worried thin line. “What are you even talking about?”
Next to them, Ron turned his head to the other side and Hermione held her breath until he was snuggled back against the cushions and continued to sleep, smacking his lips.
She brushed her hair behind her ear and quietly reported, “I saw Professor Snape Apparate outside the castle's borders. He lost consciousness and I took him to the hospital wing. Madam Pomfrey is looking after him. It must have something to do with You-Know-Who, Harry!”
He stared at her silently, but the pulse on his neck was racing. “What gives you that idea?” he asked after a few seconds, hollowly.
“He …” She swallowed. “He was wearing a Death Eater mask.”
Harry's eyes widened. He ran one hand through his hair, messing it up even more, and grabbed the armrest of her chair with the other one to keep himself from losing his balance. “This …” He broke off and frowned, then caught her gaze. “This is it, isn't it? What we've been waiting for. It has begun, hasn't it?”
She nodded silently.
Closing his eyes, Harry rose and turned to face the dark fireplace. After the summer, the castle was still so warm that no fires were lit. And yet, watching Harry, goosebumps crept up her arms and down her spine.
She followed him. “I don't think anything is going to happen now, Harry. Professor Snape is back here and Professor Dumbledore has gone to see him in the hospital wing. I-I don't know what happened, but …”
“Yes, you're right.” He made an effort to smile at her and for a moment they looked at each other in silence. Then he averted his eyes, exhaling heavily.
“Harry, we …” she began.
“I'm fine, Hermione,” he interrupted her, raising a hand. She tilted her head, eyeing him anxiously. “What were you doing out there at this hour anyway?” he then asked and arched his eyebrows.
Heat flooded her cheeks. She'd never told the boys about her strolls at the beginning of term and she wanted to leave it at that. “Nothing, I … wanted to … I just … I needed to … breathe.” She averted her eyes.
“Hmm,” Harry went on. There was a crease between his eyebrows that told her he didn't believe her, but he nodded and didn't probe further.
Professor Dumbledore's message reached them around midnight. Hermione and Harry exchanged a glance and set off in silence. Finally, they were standing in front of the stone gargoyle, clueless; the Headmaster had not given them a password.
When they looked at each other puzzled, there was a hiss behind them and they both whirled around. An old knight in a portrait was scratching his back with his sword, then he whispered to them, “Pomer Peanuts!”
Whereupon Harry and Hermione looked at each other even more puzzled.
“Huh?” Harry uttered and the portrait knight shook its head theatrically.
“The password is Pomer Peanuts. Albus asked me to tell you,” he clarified as if he had to explain Arithmancy to a hippogriff. “My, today's youth …” The old man enthusiastically stuck his sword into the ground. It shook and slammed against his knee. “Ow!”
But Harry and Hermione had already turned around and after telling the gargoyle the password, the passage opened and they climbed the spiralling staircase up to the Headmaster's office. It was quiet as they entered and Professor Dumbledore watched them intently as they sat down in front of his desk. Hermione averted her eyes from his blue ones but the former headmasters in the portraits on the wall were watching her just as blatantly. She gulped.
“I'm sorry I have only now got around to speaking to you. I hope I didn't wake you.” Professor Dumbledore looked at her over the rims of his glasses and smiled narrowly as they both shook their heads. He picked up a bowl of small, round sweets and held them out to the two Gryffindors. “Sour Guggelbees?” he asked. Again they shook their heads.
“How um … Is Professor Snape all right?” Hermione asked.
“He will be fine and available for classes tomorrow.” The Headmaster nodded and Hermione breathed a sigh of relief. “What I called you here for is about what Professor Snape told me.”
“Voldemort.” Harry stared at Dumbledore as he spat out the name.
“Indeed. Voldemort has summoned Professor Snape to a meeting for the first time since the end of the Triwizard Tournament.” There was an expression around his mouth that Hermione had never seen on him before. She couldn't quite interpret it and just as quickly it was gone.
“What is he planning?” Harry inquired grimly.
“Professor Snape could not tell me much about Voldemort's plans. He … wasn't present at the meeting when they were discussing the next steps.”
Hermione briefly closed her eyes. The way Snape had returned, she could roughly imagine what Professor Dumbledore meant by not present. She gulped. “Why did V-Voldemort do that to Professor Snape?” she asked quietly. “He is supposed to be one of them, after all.”
“Professor Snape was not attending the first meeting. He returned later, on my order.” He lowered his eyes. “We are in for a difficult time, I'm afraid.” It was the first time ever Hermione heard the Headmaster sigh.
Still, she frowned. What he was saying sounded more like a difficult time for Professor Snape. If Voldemort hadn't summoned him all summer and now decided to torture him to keep him from hearing anything important then he really seemed to be seriously doubting Snape's loyalty. Would he regularly torture him like this now? She pressed her lips together. Could they even justify continuing to send him to the Death Eaters under these circumstances? Perhaps Voldemort would eventually decide that he preferred to kill him.
Harry's words snapped her out of her thoughts. “Voldemort is gaining power.” He stroked his scar with two fingers and screwed up his face. “I can feel it.”
Hermione looked at him with wide eyes. Her scalp tingled.
Dumbledore eyed him as well, his brows furrowed, then he nodded as if he had expected Harry to be able to feel it. “Regrettably, for the time being, we have no choice but to wait. It pains me to say, but Voldemort is in control. We can do nothing until we know where he is and what he is planning. Besides, Cornelius Fudge still refuses to entertain the possibility of his return. We must hope that Professor Snape can convince him of his loyalty to get us some helpful information.”
Harry snorted snidely and shook his head. “Great. Voldemort is back, no one believes it, and all hope is resting on Snape!”
“Professor Snape,” Dumbledore corrected him, raising his eyebrows. Then he took a deep breath. “I am aware that you do not have much faith in Professor Snape, Harry, but please do me a favour.” He waited until Harry looked him in the eye. Hermione held her breath. “Do not set out to draw his displeasure on yourself. The dislike is mutual, but we cannot afford to weaken ourselves further by having differences within our own ranks.”
Hermione swallowed and let the breath she'd been holding escape when Professor Dumbledore finished.
“I'll try,” Harry finally promised, albeit reluctantly.
“Very well. I think it is time for you both to go to bed now, you will have to get up in a few hours already. Please keep everything we have discussed here to yourselves.” Professor Dumbledore paused before adding, “But of course, you may inform Mr Weasley.” With a wink, he indicated that they were free to go and Hermione, after one last look at the Headmaster, stood up and followed Harry to the door. “Miss Granger!” Professor Dumbledore asked, however, almost casually. She turned to him in surprise. “Just a word, please.”
Harry's gaze jumped from the Headmaster to Hermione and he looked at her questioningly. She shrugged, although she had a rough idea of what he wanted to talk about. “I'll wait for you downstairs,” Harry murmured and she nodded. A moment later she was alone with the Headmaster.
“Why don't you sit down again for a second?”
Feeling uneasy, she did so and clamped her damp hands between her legs.
“I'm sure you know that you are not allowed out on the grounds this late – not even as a Prefect,” he began and Hermione guiltily lowered her eyes. However, when she took a breath to say something, Professor Dumbledore silenced her with a gesture. “I am well aware that it was fortunate for Professor Snape that you were there. However, I would ask that you do not go out alone so late. Especially at these times, it is very dangerous, even here at Hogwarts.”
She nodded. “Yes, Professor. I'm sorry for being so thoughtless.”
“It all went well, fortunately. But do tell me what you were doing out there at that hour,” he said, now sounding more curious than admonishing.
“I … um …” Once again, her face grew warm. “Well, the first evening after the summer holidays, I like to take a walk around the grounds. Sort of as a … welcome-home ritual.” She saw the wrinkles around his eyes deepen. “It's silly, I know …”
“I don't think so. I think it is a very nice thing to do. Only next time, please reschedule it to the earlier hours of the day, will you?”
“I will.” She struggled to smile.
“Good. Now hurry up and get to bed! It is late.” He glanced at a clock sitting on his desk, raising his own eyebrows, maybe in surprise. “Indeed …”
Hermione jumped to her feet. Arriving at the door, however, she stopped once again. “Thank you, Professor Dumbledore.” He smiled warmly at her and nodded before she disappeared down the spiral staircase.
As he'd promised, Harry was waiting for her at the stone gargoyle and together they watched it hide the stairs to Professor Dumbledore's office again after Hermione had stepped into the corridor.
"What did he want with you?" asked Harry as they made their way back to Gryffindor Tower.
"Nothing of importance. He just told me to be more careful.”
He nodded. There still were a few wrinkles on his forehead, though. “What do you think, should we tell Ron about all of this?” he mused, not looking at Hermione.
“Yes. We're in this together. Always have been, always will be.”
Harry pursed his lips. “You're probably right …”
She smiled wryly. “Sure I'm right!” And happily noticed that Harry smiled as well, if only briefly.
When they got to the Fat Lady's portrait, Harry held her back. “You should go to bed before I wake Ron. If he finds out you're out on the grounds at night for some mysterious reason, he won't let it rest until he finds out why. He might even assume you have an affair.”
Hermione twisted her mouth. “And you're not assuming?”
“No, I'm lousy at it.” He shrugged nonchalantly.
Hermione snorted, but hugged him. It meant a lot to her that he let her keep this little secret. “Thanks, Harry.”
“So, what's it going to be, in or out?” the Fat Lady cut into their moment and Hermione rolled her eyes.
“In!” Harry replied curtly and then added the password – whistling unicorns.
As he'd promised, he waited until Hermione had disappeared up the stairs to the girls' dormitory before going to Ron and waking him.
Missing Scene I:
Severus was buttoning up his frock coat when the Headmaster entered the hospital wing. Poppy eyed them both from her office and Severus scowled at her until she finally closed the door behind her – so enthusiastically that a few flakes of dust sailed to the floor.
Dumbledore turned to the Healer's office, his eyebrows raised, then he looked at him with a smirk. “You shouldn't be so harsh with her, Severus. After all, she made sure you could leave the hospital wing as early as today,” the old man admonished, sitting down on the bed next to the one Severus had occupied last night.
He snorted. “That's her job.”
“Which she does exceptionally well.”
“Which gives her no reason to stick her nose in my business.”
“As a member of the Order, she has a right to know these things.”
Severus scowled at him and, with his clothes now flawlessly in place, crossed his arms in front of his chest. While complaining to the Headmaster about the selection of Order members was pointless, he would not fail to let him know what he thought about it. “Is that all you came here for, Headmaster?”
He smiled and then shook his head. “No. But let's go for a walk. At Hogwarts, even the walls have ears, and those of the Hospital Wing seem to be particularly attentive.”
Severus bowed his head and walked out of the infirmary, ahead of Dumbledore. He felt stiff, his muscles ached and his hands were still twitching; he might have to make some adjustments to the syllabus for today.
His memories of last night were vague, especially when he thought of the period between his return and his awakening this morning. He thought he remembered a voice he knew, but he could not place it. He didn't even know how he'd got to the hospital wing, let alone what he'd told the Headmaster already.
Dumbledore placed an Illusion Charm and the Muffliato over them so they could walk the corridors of the castle and talk undisturbed. Severus automatically headed for the dungeons (he needed a potion or two of his own) and the Headmaster followed him without mentioning it.
“What happened last night?” he asked instead, his voice serious all of a sudden.
Considering this question, Severus suspected he hadn't told the old man much yet. “The first meeting after the Triwizard Tournament that I was welcome at, that's what happened. The Dark Lord was displeased because there was so little I could tell him after two months.” Severus saw Peeves turning around the corner and watched the poltergeist intently.
“I was afraid he would be,” Dumbledore replied, twirling his wand in his hands. A sudden gust of wind blew Severus's hair over his shoulders and Peeves into another corridor. The poltergeist gave a loud screech and flew back around the corner only to target two Slytherins who had the misfortune of being on their way to breakfast. Severus watched as Peeves narrowed his eyes. His students gulped.
“Was that really necessary?” Severus scowled, turning to his superior.
The latter watched what was happening, obviously amused. “Oh Severus, you should stop treating everything as a personal attack on yourself and your House. You'd better tell me what happened next.”
Severus had trouble making himself understood over the clatter of several suits of armour that Peeves was letting tap-dance like oversized puppets. With the first hint of a headache, he continued, “The Dark Lord decided to brighten the mood and make an example of me. Please, Dumbledore, put an end to these shenanigans!” By now, dust was trickling from the ceiling, directly onto his black hair.
Dumbledore did as Severus had asked. The armour flew back into place, Peeves began to rant and the Headmaster fixed Severus. “An example,” he repeated as the students quickly took flight.
“Did you expect anything else?” Severus asked matter-of-factly. Over the summer, they'd repeatedly discussed what information he should pass on to the Dark Lord to prove his loyalty but nothing the Order was currently doing was allowed to be known to the Dark Lord. If he knew that Hagrid and Madam Maxime were trying to get the giants on their side, or that Lupin was trying to convince the werewolves, both missions were doomed to fail. Granted, the latter probably was anyway, the werewolves would never abandon Greyback and change sides, but they wouldn't stop Lupin from trying his luck.
“I had actually hoped that your return to Voldemort's side would go a little … smoother,” the Headmaster admitted thoughtfully. “Do any of the Death Eaters suspect you?”
“Of course. They all do, it was to be expected.” Before Dumbledore could say anything in response, he continued, “Avery was given an assignment by the Dark Lord. I have not been able to find out what it is about.” He'd spent that part of the meeting under the influence of the Cruciatus, and to prevent Severus from finding out what he'd missed later via Pensieve, the Dark Lord had given Avery the instructions in writing and had him burn the parchment afterwards. At least it saved Severus from reliving the previous evening. His hand twitched. “I must give the Dark Lord some information the next time he summons me.” Otherwise, the Order would soon be without its spy.
The Headmaster nodded thoughtfully and stopped when they reached the door to Severus's quarters. “We should sit down to discuss this soon. And I'd be obliged if you could somehow get the details about this assignment.”
Severus's upper lip twitched. “Of course, Headmaster,” he replied curtly.
“I'll see you at dinner,” Dumbledore then took his leave and Severus nodded.
When the Headmaster had already taken a few steps towards the Entrance Hall, however, he stopped him once more. The blue eyes scrutinised him curiously. “How did I end up in the hospital wing?” Severus pressed out; he needed to know at least that.
Dumbledore raised his eyebrows. “Miss Granger had the dubious pleasure of stumbling across you on the grounds. You should thank her, she saved your life.” At that, he turned and continued walking.
Severus ground his teeth. “I hope you took a lot of points off Gryffindor for her leaving the tower after curfew!” he called after the old man.
The latter, however, only raised his hand and waved it without turning around again.