Chapter Text
The sky outside was getting dark and they were preparing the room for their pre-planned evening conversation. The preparation involved turning off all the lights except one, usually they kept the kitchen lamp on, and getting some things to distract yourself with. In this particular case Albert put a bottle of non-alcoholic light beer on the coffee table. Martin had a can of soda, which was a bit surprising.
“You’re not even going to pour yourself some wine?”
“No, I’m trying to be supportive over here. Besides, the soda will do just fine”
That was true, Martin had a borderline supernatural ability to get drunk on sodas, especially his favorite one, Soda POP, which was the dumbest name for anything as far as Albert was concerned. It became Martin’s number one fizzy drink after they moved in, and they still had a half-full box of soda cans that Albert bought a few weeks ago. They were all strawberry flavoured.
They started doing these “talks” since one day he gathered the courage to mention that talking about all sorts of heavy things is easier in the dark. The light made Albert feel unpleasantly exposed, and he was starting to feel guilty that all their conversations about pretty much anything emotionally loaded were happening when they were just about to go to sleep. After some negotiations they agreed on having “talks”, deciding on time beforehand, so that Albert could prepare himself for it. So far it led to some curious discoveries, a lot of embarrassment and just plain emotions, which he hated so, so much.
This one was a little different. Albert wasn’t the one to actually suggest it, he just made a joke and then Martin grabbed onto it for some reason and convinced him this would be a good idea. Maybe they needed it.
Their first kiss happened about five months after they moved in, and about four months and one week after they officially agreed on their relationship status. It was awkward as hell. And Albert was to blame. He didn’t like thinking about it, even though Martin handled everything as well as one could from his position, and wasn’t as mad at him as he maybe should have been. He was not okay with it and it did make things feel a little better at least. But it was that, which sparked a short dialog, during which both of them realized they never actually mentioned or discussed anything physical other than hugging, and there was apparently mutual a reason for that, which was kinda funny.
Maybe that’s why Martin was so enthusiastic about this particular talk. They never talked about anything like that, no personal stuff, no nothing. They weren’t exactly supposed to have personal stuff after all. It felt weird to realize they both had a past at all, even though Albert could barely ever escape his. But also…
Martin turned on the kitchen light and flicked the switch down to turn off everything else. Now the living room was mostly dark, with only a glimpse of a warm light coming from behind the counter. Albert sighed in anticipation and cracked open his fake beer. It looked similar enough, but the placebo effect never actually worked on him. He sat down on an armrest of their couch, feeling like sitting properly would be taking this too seriously.
“How are we feeling, my good man?” Martin approached and plopped down on the other armrest with a wine glass. He then poured himself some pink soda. Into a wine glass.
“Wishing I had your abilities right now” Albert lifted up his glass and nodded at the can of soda in Martin’s hand. “Also you just had to get a glass, didn’t you?”
“Of course. It’s fun” Martin lifted up his glass as well. “Cheers!”
After a few quiet moments of sipping their drinks and Albert making some sort of chuckle-like noise at Martin’s performance, they put their glasses down and stared at each other.
“Well. What’s the plan for this one?” Albert put both his hands on his knees, awkwardly.
“You know, I’m not even sure. I just thought it’d be good for us if we talked more about personal lives, or just anything of that kind. I think it’d be nice. Trade some facts, not just everything at once, maybe a few? Whatever you feel like sharing”
“Personal life? What personal life?” Albert grinned. “Marty, look at me”
“That’s not a very good argument, in my humble opinion” Martin grinned in response and Albert regretted everything immediately.
“Good Fucking Lord…”
“I can start if you’d like, you know? If there’s anything you want to ask me, I don’t mind. No pressure” he raised his hands in the air, apologetically.
“Man, I don’t even know… I don’t even know how to talk about this shit. I mean, you said you were making your puns all the time and I didn’t pick up somehow, wanna talk about that?”
It was a thing Martin told him in that conversation they had after the kiss. He seemed almost offended that Albert didn’t pick up on his “i am ace up my sleeve” puns, especially after learning that they are on the same page.
“Oh, right” Martin chuckled, “Those. I didn’t really mean to use them as some kind of a signal, but it was nice to be open about it. It was just for me. I just thought you’d get it? In a way? I’m not actually mad. Although I have to say this, I had always been worried about my aceness and relationships and all this, and then with all the moving in, I just… Forgot. That’s another reason why you freaked me out so much”
He added a glimpse of a smile after that last sentence, barely visible in the dark, but just a little sign that he isn’t actually still upset.
“That’s… Yeah, I don’t think I’ve even thought about it all? Well, I just, I dunno. Didn’t care? I mean, we never really uh- Until recently we didn’t even- Didn’t even hug or anything. I just thought we’d live like we always did back in the working days, except together?”
“And then we didn’t” Martin’s smile grew a little wider, “And what about before all this?”
“Like what do you mean?”
“Just anything, I don’t know, any sort of school crushes or?..” Martin shrugged, but there was so much excitement just shining through his fake indifference that Albert couldn’t keep a straight face.
“Seriously, Marty? Seriously? ”
“Look, I’m trying to start a conversation over here. I don’t know about you, but I’ve never spoken with anybody who was ace. I just want to… Know, I suppose. Especially because it’s you! How did you know? What’s alright and what isn’t? Have you ever had that terrible childhood crush that was destined to end in disaster because children are terrible at feelings? I’m… curious” he waved his hands frantically in the air.
“Uh… No, never had anything like that. What the hell were you up to as a kid?” Albert was trying to even imagine what that would look like.
“Just normal things children do, what do you mean?” Ah, right. Normal things.
“You remember where I grew up, right?”
“Oh…”
For a moment Martin stayed silent, and Albert didn’t feel like breaking him out of it. Childhood crushes? For gays? That’s not a thing you just do when you’re raised by traditionalists. He wasn’t even sure if he actually never had any or just forgot it like he forgot the rest of everything. It felt like he didn’t. Not on real people at least.
“Well, you don’t actually have to talk about it…” Martin finally broke the silence.
“It’s fine, don’t worry about it. Just saying. Never really had that happen, not that I remember much”
“But you know what ace is, you said it. So how did you find out?”
“Oh that? I just have a habit of looking things up I guess. When we first got a computer I read the manual, found how to clear browser history and then looked up so much stuff…”
“What kind of-?” The suspicion in Martin’s voice was so amusing.
“Well, first things first I looked up what the hell a “home video” was because one of our neighbors said someone was… I dunno, can’t remember, but I think some folks were filming some stuff in their house and it just kinda spread. I was so curious and nobody would explain shit”
“Oh wow… How old were you?” even though his face was obscured, Albert could tell that Martin was blushing.
“Around thirteen? I don’t remember. But that is what brought me to that website that kinda has info on everything, and then I just started reading every page I could find in the “sex” section, just to be sure. And then my alarm went off and I cleared the history five minutes before my parents came back”
Halfway through that last sentence Martin bursted into laughter, covering his face.
“Oh wow , you had an alarm???”
“Of course, I was smart! My first ever scheme. I actually expected them to return later, so when they came back I was so proud of myself for that alarm idea” Albert was trying hard not to laugh, out of all things to remember from his childhood that was probably one of the best.
“A villain in the making… That is impressive. So, you just looked up everything?”
“Yeah and then I did it a few times more, just to make sure I read everything. Didn’t really feel like I learned much, actually, I read it and moved on. Never made any effort to memorize any of it, whatever stuck with me was good enough. But I actually think a lot of those articles did. Better than nothing” he shrugged, trying to hide a grin.
“You didn’t have sex ed in school, did you?”
“Nah, that wasn’t a thing. We learned from whatever the hell our parents would feel like telling us, at whatever age they’d feel like doing so. Mine clearly thought that thirteen is too early”
“That’s… Terrible” Martin took a sip from his glass of soda. Albert instinctively reached for his beer.
“Yeah, tell me about it”
“We had three kinds, for all school levels, and there were a few hours at least. Still, they were not perfect, but compared to what you had… Is that how you found the ace stuff too?”
“Nah, that was way later”
“Exactly how late?”
“No, I shared some of my stuff, now it’s your turn” Albert crossed his arms on his chest and jerked his chin at Martin. Perhaps that looked too defensive.
“Really? You’re giving me a cliffhanger?” Martin shook his head in disappointment.
“Yeah, what are you gonna do about it?”
“Alright, fine. What do you want to know?”
“Uh… I mean it’s your story, you pick. You said something about those uh, crushes?” the very idea was kinda awkward and embarrassing, after all, what would it look like?
“Yes, actually. I… Well” There was a sudden change in his posture, subtle, but Albert spent his entire life noticing subtle things. That’s how they communicated. Martin was feeling down, for whatever reason.
“You alright, man?”
“Heh. I’m good” Martin put his glass back on the table. “Just remembered some things. I forgot if I were to speak about my younger years I’d have to mention that too…”
“I mean, this shit should work both ways. If you don’t want to-”
“I’m alright. I promise” Martin didn’t even let him finish, but he did look up at him, a silhouette in the dim warm light. “There’s a lot of unpleasant stuff, but you know what? I’m okay with telling you, if you’re okay with listening. I don’t think I shared it with anyone yet, other than my parents. And that’s very different”
Albert took a second to consider what he just heard and to remind himself that Martin’s idea of “sharing with parents is Different” is in itself different from his own.
“Alright. Go ahead, I’m all ears”
“Well, I am not going too deep into the details. I was just… A lonely kid. I don’t know why, I never made friends, maybe I didn’t know how or just didn’t try hard enough or something. Other kids weren’t interested in playing together when I was small, I think I just wanted all the games to be how I saw them, and the moment something was out of my control I got angry” he chuckled. Albert felt himself smile, it was so weird to think that Martin was a kid once. “My parents tried to help, but some things are just… Out of our control, I guess? I had some people to talk to at school, but we weren’t as close. Then, when I was around fourteen we had that second grade of sex ed at school. I read a lot and knew what ace meant, and I just sort of noticed how many other kids were starting to, ah, show interest, I guess, in that sort of thing, and I just didn’t get it at all. It felt pretty gross. Still does, I just learned to deal with it. So, I brought it up in class and my teacher said it’s something we can learn and discuss outside of class, because sex ed is all about those who Have it. I didn’t really feel good about the fact some aces do have sex, so I just countered it by saying I’m ace and I’m here. And that didn’t go well”
Martin sighed and reached for his glass again, but instead of taking a sip he just held it in his hands. His figure, slumped on the armrest, looked very lonely all of a sudden.
Albert shifted off his armrest and onto the couch.
“You alright?”
“I, ah… Well, I am, sort of. Still, not great memories, and I’m surprised how time didn’t actually dull them as much as I had hoped. It’s been awhile since I went back to it”
“It’s okay-”
“It’s… A lot of kids just kinda looked at her and did the same, and the rest of the staff didn’t really do anything? I was glad when they chose to stay out of it instead of doubling down on how it’s my fault somehow, that I’m being made fun of for coming out in class. Also everyone just told me to wait for a few years and see if I feel the same, which… Not great”
“Not great? Marty, not great? This sucks!” he shifted closer to Martin again, not really doing anything else, but feeling a powerful pulse of pure rage go through his chest and up to the back of his head.
“It happened what, twenty-something years ago. Don’t worry about it too much. But yes, it was bad. I told my parents after I graduated, before that wasn’t… Wasn’t a great time. I can talk about that later” Martin waved his hand, almost like waving off bad memories, but as if it was just an annoying fly. He was still in the same pose, slumped over his wine glass on the armrest, frozen.
“I- Alright. How-? You know what? That explains some stuff” Albert wasn’t even sure what the hell he was trying to say in that moment. He just looked up at Martin, hoping him looking would be a good enough substitute for a touch.
“Really? Well, I’m glad. Anyway… I did have a few crushes, yes. And some separate "encounters". In middle school mostly, highschool was just too… Too busy? I guess. And I just didn’t feel like I’d belong anyway. Kept to myself. But middle school wasn’t too bad and I remember, there were three boys in total, they were nice. Well, it never became serious. But they were pretty harmless. First time I was really really interested in how kissing felt, so that happened”
Albert felt that pulse of rage in the back of his head turn into something more timid and awkward in seconds. Still he heard himself ask:
“And the others?”
“Just different… things. I was a very serious young man and made everything very clear, but at the same time it was simple. Or maybe I got lucky? It was something along the lines of “oh hey, do you know how to kiss?” “sure, what, you want to try?” “yeah” and then it happened and we never spoke ever again. I don’t even remember seeing one of them after that, ever” Martin laughed, and to Albert’s greatest relief it was a genuine laughter.
“Maybe he just moved the next day? Saw you on his last day at school or something and thought "wow"?” he could not believe he was just saying that out loud, but at least Martin seemed to find it funny.
“I wasn’t as charming back then, trust me. All my charisma kicked in at around twenty”
Then he finally slipped down the armrest onto the couch and Albert realized how little space was between them after he shifted all the way to here, trying to show his support. Martin didn’t even acknowledge it.
“Anyway, that was a thing I did. I still remember, there was this weird space under the stairs we took to class, and we always kissed under those stairs. A miracle that no one saw us, really”
“Are you sure nobody did?”
“I’m sure. I’d never hear the end of it otherwise” Martin’s voice was slowly getting back to his more light pitch, which was alleviating.
“So, you just what, experimented a bunch?”
“Not really, it was all the same. Just, just kissing… I like that part”
“Huh, I… Uh… Noticed”
Another bit of silence, as Martin looked at him, corners of his mouth slightly upwards, and Albert himself tried to come up with a distraction, thankful for the almost-darkness of the living room. He said what he thought, which is how they’re supposed to talk during these conversations, they agreed on that, but still, it’s so… Personal. To acknowledge something deeply intimate, and with all the feelings surrounding it too, what does that even mean for him?..
“So…”
“Well, that’s my part done! Your turn,” Martin said, and turned a little, making himself comfortable in a nook between the couch’s seat, armrest and its back. Now he wasn’t just sitting close, he was also comfortable sitting this close to Albert , and a little exposed, turned to him, no crossed hands, no nothing. Just waiting. It made Albert feel somewhere between tingly and itchy.
“Just like that, huh? And you say I deflect all the time”
“That’s cause you do,” Martin shrugged.
Albert scoffed at that and shook his head dramatically, but it was still hard to hold back a smile.
“Alright, well. I dunno what I can say that’d beat that shit . But about the whole thing, how I look up everything that makes me curious? That’s what I did when I first came here. Cause back in the commune, there were just boys and girls, you know? Boys grew up into men, liked manly things but ended up with girls, some- fucking -how. And vice-versa. And then the second I get off the bus here, it’s just… Chaos. I didn’t even know what “trans” was back then. So after I moved to my place I just got a laptop and started looking things up. Took me a while to digest everything, and to deal with it too, you know? And then I just kinda moved on. Good thing, nobody would like a bigoted villain”
“Oh dear, that’s true” Martin laughed again.
“Well, it’s about that time I actually figured out that “ace” exists, like the whole spectral thing-”
“Spectrum”
“ Yes , and also just what exactly “gay” means too. And I had a bunch of time to reflect on it”
“Oh, wait. This is something I actually wanted to talk about. The whole “how did you know” bit. Do you, ah, do you feel like sharing, by chance?” now Martin was looking at him with a bashful smile, but extreme curiosity in his eyes.
“Sure. I mean, the ace bit just made sense and I looked back at some things and thought “yeah, alright, that’s the one, i guess” “
“Like… What things?”
Albert just paused for a second to appreciate how lively Martin got all of a sudden. After their retirement he was mostly calm and quiet, both in a unusually comfortable way and a refined, but grasping at straws way, when stressed. It was nice to see him poking his nose where it maybe didn’t belong. Good old Arch-Enemy of his, just as nosy.
“Like… When I was starting middle school I had some friends, not too close, but kind of school buddies. We hung out as much as our parents allowed, did homework together and shit, and then with time they started having these secret conversations. They would collect old movie posters and magazines and whatnot, anything that had boobs in it. I just did not fucking get it. Pretty sure I saw a magazine like that but with guys once when they showed off what they had, somebody brought it. I was not impressed either”
Martin made a laugh-like sound that was oddly high-pitched and it made Albert cringe a little. It was just not comfortable to hear that from a grown man, but oh well… Besides, it was a very Martin reaction.
“So, they just slowly moved away from me, and I didn’t know why, but then it just became very clear. I was already in a lot of trouble at school, things were getting terrible at home, they probably just assumed I was trying to be all nice for the adults. To get on their good side? Or something. So if I wasn’t in then I was out , so they stopped talking to me. That’s really dumb to even think of, but also… I guess they thought I’d rat them out eventually? I dunno. But that stuff with the magazines made sense, you know. Everyone had something secret going on at that age, but I just didn’t”
“Not even a crush?” Martin grinned and prodded him a little.
“Oh, sod off. I was too fucking depressed to have crushes, and before that I didn’t know that was a thing. I just got super attached to book characters for no reason” Albert gave him a meaningful stare that was probably not very visible in the dark, but that wasn't the point.
“That must’ve been so strange”
“Eh, not exactly, but it made a lot of sense when I read up on what the hell “gay” was”
Martin shook his head again, chuckling to himself.
“It’s so funny to hear you say “gay” like it’s a noun. You sound like a time-traveller”
That accusation felt almost offensive. And coming from a man who dressed up like a character from a steampunk novel too??
“Excuse me, mister Top Hat, I grew up in a commune of people who only got access to the internet when I was thirteen! What were you doing with your free time at that age?”
“Alright, alright, I apologize” Martin said, raising his hands in the air. That felt a little too good to be true, so Albert leaned in and examined his face up close, just to see if there’s that mischievous spark in his eyes. Martin only laughed again. In a single moment everything was ruined and Albert felt his heartbeat in the back of his head. Just because of the laughter? “What are you even trying to see?”
“Nothing. Watch your mouth, you ” Albert moved away, trying hard to ignore his ears, burning from the proximity.
Too… Personal. He keeps forgetting himself, getting comfortable, and then it all comes back. He… shouldn’t be that close to anyone. It’s too close. Too vulnerable. Not the best time to deal with this shit, the whole point is being vulnerable. He took a sharp breath in.
“Yeah. Your turn” better sit this one out, until the humiliating feeling of being close goes away.
“No, hold on! What about the book characters? Care to elaborate?” Martin protested.
“I mean. There was this book I got as a birthday gift when I was four or something, from one of our neighbors, I think? It was about pirates, and you know, a little boy protagonist, so that a little boy reader gets to feel like he’s having an adventure, and then boom- I carried that book with me everywhere. And, uh…”
He had already started that sentence when he realized his mistake and tried to stop, but Martin was listening very intently.
“Yes?”
“Just, you know. Have you ever done weird stuff when you were a kid?” Maybe this doesn’t feel as humiliating if Martin confesses first?
“Sure!”
“Well, uh”
“I am very curious where this is going, but also remember, you don’t have to-”
This moment of being handled so gently is what made him snap.
“I just never left that damn book alone and I’d talk to the guy- the protagonist on the cover at night, when my parents couldn’t hear, because I just kinda believed he’d know? You know how you believe in things when you’re four?” he stopped himself before saying something even more stupid, his face, ears and neck burning.
“Oh… That’s-”
“Don’t”
Martin looked at him for a few seconds with a soft smile before finally saying the words.
“That’s very sweet. And nice”
“Shut up”
“Of course, of course. You’re not nice, you’re never nice…”
That actually made him breathe a little easier.
“So that… Was a thing. And I read up a bunch of stuff and thought, yeah, that tracks. I didn’t really have crushes on real people, as far as I can remember, but I think along the way I already accepted that I was gay and I think I didn’t feel like letting go of it when I learned about being ace” he finished the last sentence with a heavy exhale. Damn, this is hard.
“What do you mean by that? You wouldn’t have to”
“No, I know that, but back then I didn’t get it yet. But I just didn’t want to leave it behind, I guess”
“And I thought you didn’t know what gay was?”
“Well, no. I didn’t. It’s like, when you grow up among traditionalists, gay is when you don’t fit in. Don’t want to marry, don’t want to wear whatever you’re told to, don’t want to have kids, and all that. It’s more of a collective term. Like, uh, you know”
“Like “deviant”,” Martin’s tone was so unexpectedly cold it made Albert look up in surprise.
“I guess so, yeah. I just kinda figured it out one day, nobody even called me that, not that I heard anyway, I just though “am i gay? i guess so, no way i’m getting married or all that other shit” and just… Didn’t think about it since”
Martin sighed and cocked his head to the side, looking at him with what he could feel was a mix of amusement and… something gentle and itchy.
“But yeah. I’m good”
“I’m happy for you, I really really am”
“Yeah, and you know what’s funny? With all my insecurities and shit, I’ve never felt guilty about those two things. Neither “ace” nor “gay”, they just felt normal to me. Almost weird how that happened”
He laughed to himself, out of all feelings he had about himself, this one was strangely guiltless and comforting. Martin reached out to him and put his pale lean hand on Albert’s. It was a little cold.
“I am so happy for you” his voice was a little wobbly. “I grew up in a place where we had so many books and other resources on these things, and yet it took me years to feel at peace. You… I’m happy for you…”
Albert was taken aback by that, Martin was a very composed man after all. Even during all the stuff they've been through at work, no matter what. It would take something huge to make his voice shake like that.
“Ah… Thanks, man” he tried to think of something else to say, but couldn’t find anything, so he just asked, “Why is your hand so cold?”
“I was holding a cold glass, it’s the soda’s fault”
“ Sure . Get yourself a better circulation” Albert gave him an invisible crooked grin and put his hand on top of Martin’s.