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“C’mere,” Danny said, putting his arms around him. Steve sighed and let him hold him, leaning into the touch but not cuddling back. “Babe, you know how this works.”
“Yeah but still, we’ve tried twice already Danny,” Steve murmured, finally giving in when Danny squeezed him tighter and putting his arms around his waist. “And now we have to wait another three or four months.”
Danny smiled, pulling back to look him in the eye, cupping his jaw gently, “Hey I know how it works too remember? I keep the calendar and everything.”
Steve gave an apologetic smile, glancing at him under those long, black eyelashes that Danny loved so much, every single one of them.
“I know, I’m sorry,” Steve said quietly. “It’s only – I was really hoping this time.”
“Like you did the first time and like you will be the next time,” Danny reminded him. “I’m not getting at you for wanting it so much babe. I’m just reminding you the odds don’t exactly work in our favour remember?”
“They did with MJ,” Steve muttered, mouth twisting into a pout before he looked at Danny again, catching the knowing look in his eyes and sighing again. “Sorry.”
“Babe,” Danny said, getting serious. He took a step back, hands on Steve’s shoulders, making sure he was paying attention. “You know it might not happen right? That we might have to look at other options.”
A look crossed Steve’s face, one that stubbornly said he didn’t want to have that conversation, but Danny gave him a small shake, hands squeezing his shoulders. Steve shut down every time he mentioned outside help.
“I know you don’t want to hear it, but we have to be realistic Steve,” Danny continued, not one to be turned off by his husband's stubborn nature. “We got real lucky with MJ, but that doesn’t mean trying to get pregnant again would be just as easy. It’s unrealistic for us to think that way.”
Steve grimaced and dropped his hands from Danny’s waist, sitting back and folding his arms, giving Danny a glare.
“Why does it sound like – like you don’t care much that we’ve tried so hard and it hasn’t happened so far?” Steve asked him.
Danny looked at him in surprise, hurt by the accusation, but sympathetic of the obvious hurt Steve was feeling also. He raised a hand and waved it between the two of them.
“Hey, I care okay? I just maybe a have a more realistic view on this,” Danny countered, trying not to raise his voice, but he couldn’t quite help himself. “I know how long trying the good old fashioned way can take.”
“And you’d prefer getting doctors involved,” Steve said snidely. Danny found that a low blow and narrowed his eyes at him in a glare.
“I’m saying it’s an option,” Danny pointed out to him. “It would still be our baby, but the process would be speeded up, there’s a higher percentage of success that way. You’re the one who wants this to happen now, so you need to accept that might be an option we have to look into.”
“So it is me that wants this more,” Steve said voice rising. “You’d rather wait, no matter how long it takes. You don’t want this right now is that it? Are you happy it didn’t happen this time around? Do you even want us to have another baby?”
Danny stared at him long and hard, the words stung more than he’d expected and he dropped his hands, giving a shrug of confusion, “How can you even ask me that? You know I want another baby with you. Jesus Steve, I have done everything, everything I’m supposed to do to help the process. I’ve kept the diary, I’ve planned dates, I’ve worked with the planning clinic, I’ve changed my diet and exercise, rode a desk for weeks – and now you’re blaming me for not getting pregnant?”
“No, no I’m not blaming you,” Steve shook his head, rubbing a hand over his face. “I’m just saying -.”
“What? What is it you’re trying to say?” Danny snapped at him.
“Well you don’t seem too upset that another chance had slipped through our fingers,” Steve said, folding his arms again, giving him a matter of fact look.
“Because I’m being realistic?” Danny asked defensively.
“You brush it off like it’s just one of those things, just wait another three or four months, we might get lucky, then it doesn’t, so we have to wait another four months,” Steve pointed out to him.
“Hey I want this just as much as you do,” Danny said sharply, pointing a finger at him. “If you think I don’t feel bad enough already that I’m not pregnant right now then think again. But I have to remind myself this is how it works and it isn’t so easy for me as it is someone else. I can’t change who or what I am.”
“I’m not asking you to change,” Steve shook his head at him. “I just wish it felt like I wasn’t the only one upset about this.”
Danny stared at him, he felt so angry, not just with Steve but himself as well. He wished it could be easier, that the window of opportunity wasn’t quite so slim for them. But it wasn’t the way his body worked and he couldn’t change that. He couldn’t believe Steve was talking as he was, although he could understand to a point, Steve was frustrated and his nature was to get what he wanted by any means necessary. Failure wasn’t an option for Steve and Danny knew that was why he didn’t want to talk Doctors because it would feel like a failure, that they couldn’t do it alone. But to say he didn’t care, Danny felt tears prick his eyes and he blinked them away.
“You know what, fuck you,” Danny spat out angrily at him. “I’m sorry okay Steve. I’m sorry that I’m not pregnant. I’m sorry that my body has failed to deliver on what it’s meant to do. I’m sorry that I’m failing you and us. Is that what you want to hear? You want to see upset, you be around next time we try when I do a pregnancy test every other day okay babe. You be there when it gives a negative and I have to muster up the strength to have to tell you that it didn’t happen, again and again and again. Upset?! You have no fucking idea how it feels to be me right now, I wish it were just upset. Upset I could handle, but the guilt, the feeling of failure, trying to tell myself that there’s nothing wrong with me, it’s just how things work-.”
He’d have kept ranting but he was finding it hard to breathe past the tears and catching his breath. Somewhere in the middle of his tirade Steve had stood up straighter from where he’d been half sitting, half leaning on the back of the couch and reached out for him. Danny batted his hands away a few times before Steve just grabbed him and pulled him forward into a giant bear hug. Danny’s anger dissolved into tears and he cried against Steve’s solid shoulder. All the frustration, the pain and anger flowed out of him like a geyser and he was glad Steve was there or he was sure he’d be a puddle of emotional mess on the floor right then and there.
“Sorry, I’m sorry,” Danny stuttered out against him.
“Sshh, so’k baby,” Steve squeezed him tighter. “Better out than in, was beginning to wonder a robot had replaced you.”
Danny held him tightly before he tipped his head up, red rimmed eyes glaring at his husband, “What?” he managed to grunt out, his throat was sore from crying.
Steve leaned his head back at an awkward angle, giving him an apologetic smile, “You’ve been acting too fine, too calm these last few days. You don’t think I don’t see you’ve been crying over this? You think I don’t know how much you’re hurting? But every time I ask you just shut me down. I had to think of a way of getting you to get it out.”
“I – this was all – an act?” Danny sniffled.
“Well kind of,” Steve admitted with a small shrug. “I guess maybe in between the lines there was stuff I needed to get out too. I do not blame you for not getting pregnant Danny and I get it will take time, yes I am frustrated about that and no, I don’t want to go the IVF route but fine, if that happens it happens. I want us to have another baby, but I don’t want you feeling guilty or upset if it doesn’t happen after we try so hard.”
“You god damn son of a bitch,” Danny glared at him, trying to pull away but Steve wouldn’t let go of him that easily. “You couldn’t have picked a nicer way of saying all that?”
“I know you,” Steve smiled. “I knew if we just talked you’d keep stuff bottled up, figured I needed to push a few buttons. I’m sorry Danny, really, I didn’t mean everything I said. And you aren’t a failure for not getting pregnant sweetheart, I’d never ever think that of you. I know you want this as much as me and I’d never want you to feel guilty because it hasn’t happened for us yet. All those emotions and hormones of yours kind of go haywire and I know that brain of yours makes you think things you shouldn’t even be thinking about how I’m going to react.”
“You are either really really mean,” Danny chided but he gave watery smile, burying his face into Steve’s neck as he gave a soft sigh. “Or really rather clever, which pains me to say, because I know that ego of yours doesn’t need any boosting up.”
“Maybe I’m just trying to be a good husband,” Steve said, holding him close. “To a man I’m very lucky to have as mine.”
“Such a smooch,” Danny laughed gently.
“I’m sorry I made you cry,” Steve apologised quietly. “And that I was mean, even if I was only doing it to get you to open up. I love you Danny.”
“If you’re so sorry about making me cry, then quit talking,” Danny sniffled, raising his head to look at him. “I’m in a very emotional state right now, I can’t handle any more soft words and endearments of love unless you want your shirt soaked in tears.”
“Nothing I haven’t handled before,” Steve grinned. “There is one good thing we can take from us not getting pregnant this time.”
“Yeah, what’s that?” Danny asked, brow furrowing with the question.
“We got three or four months to practice,” Steve smiled, lowering his face to steal a press a soft kiss against Danny’s lips.
“You have a one track mind,” Danny murmured, kissing him back lazily.
“Practice makes perfect,” Steve laughed softly, lips brushing gently over Danny’s again, before he sought out more with a little more pressure. Danny indulged him for a few seconds before pulling back and inspecting him with his eyes.
“Was this your plan all along?” Danny asked him. “Get me to open up then take advantage of my emotional state by getting me into bed.”
“Don’t need a plan to get you into bed,” Steve grinned broadly, wriggling his eyebrows at him. “We don’t even need a bed.”
“You’re incorrigible,” Danny laughed, shaking his head at him.
“Don’t act all coy sweetheart,” Steve replied. “I know you love the practice too.”
“I know I love making love to you,” Danny retorted with a smile.
“Oh there it is,” Steve laughed, hands squeezing against Danny’s ass gently. “You take the high road.”
“You prefer I say I love to fuck?” Danny smiled at Steve’s grin at that reply. “You can take the man out of the Navy -.”
“I love making love,” Steve assured him. “But I do love a good fuck too. Especially when you’re in that mood – all those hormones racing through you, it’s like I can’t do enough to get you off, you want it all ways, so greedy, so sexy. All I want to do is satisfy you, see you panting exhausted and spent and fucked out on the bed.”
“You always satisfy me,” Danny assured him. “Every single time, no matter the mood.”
“What can I say?” Steve shrugged. “I’m a perfectionist.”
“And practice makes perfect,” Danny smiled before holding him tighter again. “So next time -.”
Steve held him close, silent and comforting. “It will happen for us. We did everything we were supposed to and we know the odds aren’t in our favour. They won’t be the next time either, but it will happen eventually.”
“Just when you want something so badly,” Danny sighed, not letting go. “Do think because we’re trying so hard – that’s why we can’t?”
“No, I think the biology makes it difficult,” Steve retorted gently. “Us wanting a baby so much isn’t a negative thing Danny. Don’t start thinking that way.”
“Hard not to,” Danny admitted. “And it makes the not being successful harder to take too.”
“Hey look at me,” Steve said, pulling back and tipping Danny’s face up to look him in the eye. “Our wanting another baby isn’t a bad thing okay?”
“Yeah okay,” Danny agreed. “Thanks babe.”
“Thank you, for getting us both to talk about this,” Steve smiled, leaning in to kiss him gently. “I love you.”
“Yeah yeah, you just want that fuck we were talking about,” Danny teased with a laugh. “You’ll say anything to get me into bed.”
“I’ve got smoother words to get you into bed,” Steve laughed back, kissing him again. “Telling you I love you isn’t one of my lines. It’s me telling you the truth.”
Danny smiled, staring up at him with a thoughtful expression, “I know it is.”
“Don’t I get an ‘I love you’ back?” Steve asked with a smile.
Danny shook his head, laughing, “You made me cry. I don’t think you deserve it right now.”
“Wow, that hurts,” Steve sighed, trying to look hurt but failing miserably.
He knew Danny loved him and he didn’t need to hear the words to know it.
~ fin ~