Chapter Text
June 5, 1999
"The moment I laid eyes on you, that was it for me. I was fucking done for. I haven't gotten you out of my head for months!"
Tori felt her anger subside, and that gut-wrenching guilt punched her square in the abdomen as his words sunk in.
I was always going to hurt you, wasn’t I?
I didn’t mean to.
Never wanted this for you.
"I never wanted that. I've tried my hardest to—"
I should have stayed away.
Never should have tried to be your friend.
"WHY?!" The devastation in his voice made her want to keel over. It brought bile up her throat.
You deserve so much better than me.
So much more than what I can offer.
"Why what?" She asked, scared to hear the clarification.
"Why are you trying so hard to push me away? Why are you trying so hard to keep me from falling in love with you?!”
In love with you.
In love.
Love.
Look what you did to him.
Look what you’ve done.
"Don't say that." She choked, her mind spinning. "You can't fall in love with me."
Don't be in love with me.
Don't tell me that.
I never wanted to do that to you.
"WELL TOO BLOODY LATE FOR THAT!"
No.
No.
No.
"No, you're just...I need to go." She stumbled backwards, unable to think of a way to rectify this. But his presence, his words...it was suffocating her. "I need air."
"Oh no, no, no. I'm in love with you Astoria Greengrass and if that's a problem for you, you're going to tell me right here. To my face. Eyes open this time."
'To my face.'
'Eyes open.'
"What?" She didn't actually need him to clarify that one...but she needed to buy herself time to think. Or time to get away.
"Yeah, go on. Tell me how I'm the fucking eye of the storm that's ruining your life."
"You heard that?" She whispered in shock.
You could never ruin my life, Theo.
I'm ruining yours.
I’m the tragedy here.
"Go on. Tell me how I'm nothing but false hope."
"Theo, please...don't."
"Look me in the eye, witch. Tell me what it is that you're thinking. No more taking the coward's way out and confessing it all while I'm six potions deep. Tell me now. How selfish I am. How repulsive I must be."
You’re magnetic.
You’re addictive.
"Theodore, you don't understand."
"Why do you even bother saving me? Why not just let me fucking die if I'm such a burden?"
I'm the burden.
"I don't know what you think you heard..."
"Give me a reason, Astoria. Tell me why."
"Just stop."
"Tell me why you can't love me, Astoria. What is it that makes me so unworthy?"
You don't deserve the burden of loving me.
"You are worthy of love, Theo. You have to know that." Her hand stretched out, reaching for him on its own accord, subconsciously. She hadn't realized she'd done it until he shook out of her hold. That shift out of her touch was a knife to the chest.
I deserve it.
"Obviously." He drawled and she knew she was losing him. Her friend, her companion, her…
"You are. And there is a very lucky witch out there who will give that to you."
And I fucking despise her for it.
"Just not you." He spat at her.
"Just not me." She said regretfully.
Gods, I wish I could.
I wish it could be me.
Life had always been cruel to her. And she’d thought she’d grown used to it over the years. But this was a cruelty she’d never known. This was the proverbial ‘dangling of the carrot’. The life she couldn’t have. The love she couldn’t experience. But the universe had given her a taste. She’d thought perhaps it had been a gift, a small ease to her pain, a consolation prize for coming in last, for being disqualified first. But now, with the disgust on his face and the shredding in her chest, she realized it was just a mockery, just another way to show her all that she would be missing out on.
"I need a reason."
I can't give it to you.
"Theo, please listen. You are worthy—"
"I NEED A REASON!"
"BECAUSE I WON'T BE ALIVE TO GIVE IT TO YOU!"
She regretted the words instantly. He hadn't known about the blood curse. He didn't constantly think about her impending death. He didn’t pity her. And she'd liked that. She had liked that he didn't look at her like she was already a ghost.
He sighed and stepped into her. "Astoria, forget what I said about dying tomorrow." His eyes softened, as if he'd come to the conclusion that all of the theatrics were because of his musings on life and death. That all of this worry on her part was because of the war, because he'd made those proclamations of not making it to the other side of this. "I'm not letting anything happen to you. Ever." He swore and bent his forehead down to hers, placing a chaste kiss on her nose. He pulled her into him, wrapping her in his arms like he could press every broken piece back into place with his love alone. "You and I...we're making it out of this. Together. I'm sorry for scaring you. I’m sorry for suggesting this was anything but permanent."
"No, you're not listening to me..." She choked as the sadness of this brutal misunderstanding overwhelmed her. The words weren't coming out. She screamed them in her head, but her tongue couldn't give voice to them.
I'm dying.
I lied to you.
The blood malediction...it resurfaced with me.
My great grandmother had it too.
She died at twenty two.
I only have a few years left.
Theo stroked her cheeks, thumbs smoothing over her face in loving strokes. She blinked at him, tears falling and rolling over those thumbs. He kissed her again, on her nose, on her cheeks, over each tearful eye, he showered her in affection.
Don't love me.
Don't care for me.
"Theo, I lied to you." She closed her eyes because she couldn't bear to witness the pain that she was about to deliver.
Always hurting him.
I'm always hurting him.
"You asked me...at Shell Cottage." She swallowed over the lump in her throat and she felt his hands twitch against her face. "You asked me if I was still sick."
He inhaled sharply and she realized he'd caught up to her. But she forced herself to continue, each word a confession and another stab to the back. "I lied because...you didn't treat me like I was fragile. You didn't...you didn't pity me." She clenched her eyes tighter and turned her face into his palm, speaking the words against his hand, selfishly soaking up the last touch he’d give her once he learned the truth.
"I have a blood curse. A blood malediction. It's why I was in St. Mungo's as a child. It's why I learned runic magic. It's why I became a healer. I wanted to research it, to determine if I could cure myself when the Healers shifted from researching the illness to a long term care plan. They gave up. And just before the war...I came to the same conclusion. They were right. I only have a few years left.”
“Why didn’t you…” He gripped her face harder. “Look at me.”
The command was absolute. Her first instinct had been to fight him, to turn away and shy from his wrath. But she’d already put him through so much. She’d already denied him so much. She deserved whatever venom he had for her. Reluctantly, she inhaled deeply preparing herself for the disappointment in his face that would haunt her until her last days.
Those icy blue eyes were stunning, lined with a silver gleam of moisture. But it wasn’t disappointment staring back at her. It was a broken heart. And somehow, that was worse.
“Listen to me.” He pressed his forehead to hers, running his hands up her arms until they clasped either side of her neck. “I don’t care.”
“Theo…”
”I said listen! I don’t care that you’re sick. I don’t care that you lied. I don’t care about anything other than you. Right here. Right now. Alive and breathing.”
“It’s not fair to you…”
“Life has never been fair to me. Why should I expect it would start now? If I get to have you for even just one day, it would be worth a lifetime of missing you after.”
His lips swallowed her whole, like he needed to breathe her in again before he could continue. He pressed her against the castle wall, those hands of his angling her jaw up so that he could devour her however he liked. He kissed her breathless and then brought his lips to her ear.
“Give me one day, Astoria. And if you can, the day after that. And the day after. As long as you have, let me share it with you. Give me all of your days and I’ll give you mine.” His lips trailed down her neck. The sensation was so distracting, she nearly missed the feel of the wall behind her transforming…transforming into a door.
“I could die tomorrow, Theo. Or the day after, or if I’m lucky, in a few years. But I will die. One day. Some day. Soon.” She gasped as his mouth moved across her collarbones.
“Then I’ll have have the rest of my days to remember that for a moment, life was perfect. For a moment, it wasn’t so cruel. It wasn’t so unfair.” He nipped at her lower lip again, eyes flashing with delight at whatever he’d found behind her. She felt one of his hands leave her body momentarily, followed by a ‘click’ and the wall behind her…no…the door behind her gave way.
“Give me a chance, love. Give us a chance.”