Chapter Text
He felt as though he had been shoved into empty space.
All the lofty ideas he had had about sticking to his guns and making a point had been tossed out with just one night’s temptations like a bad joke.
He stared sightlessly at the keys in his hand.
He needed answers and wanted to talk to someone, but he was afraid of what he might find out about himself. About who he really was.
He didn’t, however, need anyone to tell him that he was powerless in their relationship. It was something he simply needed to accept. That no matter how much he protested, all Holden had to do was snap his fingers and he would go running.
It was hurtful and confusing. And more so because when he had finally taken up some courage last spring and had asked Holden for a commitment, this wasn’t the future he had envision for them.
One in which when he thought of being with Holden, of kissing him like he had last night, in those secret places where it should have been just the two of them, he struggled with other images instead.
He could stand there and rationalize all he wanted about how he had taken control of his life last spring and had won out against all those other men. But all it did was leave him feeling empty-handed, reminding him of where he truly stood in their relationship―as desperate as he ever had been for Holden.
If he was happy with that then he needed to stop wasting everyone’s time and just go back home with Holden.
If he wasn’t… then he needed to… find courage.
God, he thought, dropping his head back to look at grey skies. Was this fair after everything he thought he had accomplished last year? What had all that been for? Just so that he could get here, in a worse and more confused place?
Finally hearing the chatter of his charges for the afternoon, he straightened from the side of Kay’s Land Rover. But seconds ticked by, and no one came of the noisy house.
“Ladies,” he called, when the brightly attired seven year olds finally emerged. “Let’s get a move on, please.”
The four little girls scurried forward in formation of twos, reminding him of the baby oysters from the Alice in Wonderland cartoon. All dressed up to be taken out on a shopping spree for marshmallows and other things to toss into a roaring bonfire, they offered each other tips on styling and admired each other’s winter clothing.
At the remarks of one of the girls, Deena making a face at her gloves, decided she didn’t like, or need them enough, and pulled them off in the slightly below freezing weather.
Bending to pick them up, he stopped her and crouched to put them back on. Just then Allison came to the front door.
Just past noon, he had spent the morning overseeing the preparations for the cookout tomorrow. The situation in his parents’ house was currently controlled chaos, thankfully being orchestrated by Davey and enough friends and neighbors that he could fulfill Deena’s wish that he take them shopping for tonight.
He had left Holden long before dawn, and despite everything he had just been through in his head, he didn’t have to think very hard to see him laying naked on the sheets where he had left him.
He had been here at Allison’s for over and hour, and Allison hadn’t brought it up.
“Sean?” she now called.
“Yeah.”
“Give it five more minutes, will you? Holden's on his way. He says he can come spend the afternoon and I’m going to have him join you guys instead.”
Straightening, he looked at her, posed in the doorway, baking apron on, cell phone held aloft.
She had clearly passed the point of discussing any of it with him.
Without waiting for a response, she turned went back inside and shut the door behind her.
Deena hopped in place. “Are you going to meet your fee-yan-say, Sean?” Then, apparently too excited to wait, she broke into loud, excited screeching.
Her friends, no clue what was happening, joined her.
He let them finish, seeing as they were outdoors anyway. Then, when they had settled down and were expectantly staring up at him, he said, “No, I’m afraid not.”
They blinked owlishly up at him.
“He’s gonna stay and bake with your mommy,” he explained to Deena. “We’ve got a lot of stuff to get done afternoon and it’ll be easier for him to just stay.”
The girls slumped their shoulders, then followed as he reached over and opened the back door to the Rover.
They began climbing in while he mentally scooted them along a little faster. Deena still looked dejected.
“Aside from all those marshmallows that aren’t gonna wait, sweetheart,” he told her, in the hopes of distracting all them. “We’re getting new decorations for grandma and grandpa’s house, lots more candy…and how about a new pigskin for touch football tomorrow?”
“Yay!” they cried.
“But we’re gonna meet him tonight, right?” Deena insisted, clicking in. “At the bonfire?”
“Sure, sweetheart.”
“Yay!” they repeated. He checked their seat belts and firmly shut the door.
He wasn’t rushing his steps. But he wasted no time in getting in, clicking himself in, and reaching over to grab the passenger side seat as he quickly backed out of there.
~*~
Sean had ditched him for bonfire shopping. Kay tried to couch it in softer terms but he wasn’t confused about what had happened.
It didn’t bother him one bit.
Not after last night. He was going to be happy for the rest of his life after last night.
If Sean had wanted to make him go away he shouldn’t have kissed him like that last night. He shouldn’t have taken him in his arms the way he had, and he shouldn’t have made all those soft noises like he was so happy to be home―between his legs, thank you.
And driving over, everyone from the chipper receptionist at the front desk to random people he had driven by in town had smiled and honked and waved hello.
As far as he could tell he was here on the blessings of his sisters, presumably his parents, and definitely his best friend. Not to mention his best friend’s wife, and everyone else in the town who was rooting for them to get together and every couple of hours at that. Elliot had sent him the Twitter link.
His only regret was that he had once again missed saying hello to Sean’s niece, for whom he had brought a present. But no worries, he would see her tonight at the bonfire.
So, elbow deep in flour, he knew he was experiencing something brand new in his life. He was having a wonderful family vacation. Nothing on earth could take this away from him.
Kneading dough the way Allison had shown him, he licked cookie dough off the ladle Kay held up to his stuck out tongue, and resumed describing to them the luscious islands of Fiji.
~*~
The bonfire brought out most of the community. It was organized by the elementary school, and it had at first seemed to him not the wisest way in the world for kids to celebrate the Super Bowl.
But upon arriving and settling in and seeing how it all fit together, he was astounded that all elementary schools didn’t throw annual bonfires. As, as much as the adults were enjoying themselves, it was nothing compared to the ecstasy the kids were having, and their sharp screams and giggles made the whole thing seem like something out of a storybook.
They had picked a spot far enough from the ten foot flames not to alarm him yet close enough for them to feel the fire’s welcoming warmth. It was like sitting in a hot tub in the middle of Antarctica.
What he instantly and most appreciated about the night was the sound of the crackling fire and the way it illuminated everything in an amber glow: people, chairs, trucks, and beer coolers, all cast in a radius of jumping black shadows and yellow light. It was showing to him a community seemingly both contented and connected.
They unpacked their blankets and coolers, and extra bottles of mustard and ketchup―Allison assured him that the kids would need them when they got around to actually eating their food only to find out they had used all the condiments for spray paint.
So they set their area up for when the kids would come by, and after that, while Allison laid back and put her feet up on a cushion―Kay had already gone off somewhere―he went for a stroll around the field.
Almost immediately, avoiding kids racing around the perimeter, and taking in friends in groups and couples snuggling on chaises, he ran into people he now knew. He was greeted by people he had met in Baker’s, by a waiter he remembered from Greenbriar, the restaurant Kay and Allison had taken him to dinner, and even Rajiv, the assistant manager at the Inn where he was staying.
He hung out and chatted with some of them, taking unexpected pleasure in being able to respond, when a couple asked where he and Sean were thinking of buying a house in town, that he didn’t quite know yet.
He had no idea whether they would, but talking about it like that made him feel…normal.
He also ran into Josh, the young guy who had flagged him down in his car, who was sitting with someone he presumed from body language was his boyfriend. Josh waved excitedly, and he went over to say hi. He was introduced to his boyfriend, a shy African American boy who wanted desperately to meet Sean but was too embarrassed to go up to him, and promised a discount if he came into the art shop where Josh worked.
Noticing the number of minority and ethnically mixed families in Johnston, he had asked Kay what it had been like for her living as a minority in this type of community, when in most places in America it would spell trouble, or at least constant discomfort.
Taking a break from marshaling a handful of toddlers with some other moms―she apparently was thinking about becoming a preschool teacher, which he personally thought she had the perfect, even temperament for, she told him it hadn’t been a problem.
Surprised, and more than a little skeptical, he had listened to her tell him that it was in fact a great place to live. That beyond its cultural Midwestern friendliness―which he would readily admit to having experienced, something he didn’t get often in most other parts of the country “being from L.A.”―she thought the reason to be good municipal management.
He had laughed, but she had assured him that since the town spent money on things that everybody benefited from, nobody could go around blaming anyone else for their problems.
Turning a knowing smile on him, she said, “It’s a great place to raise a family.”
Hearing her words and their underlying subtext, he had waited for his usual innate rejection to follow.
Nothing happened.
That lack of reaction, suddenly finding himself standing there staring blankly at her, had caught him off guard.
After that he had gone in search of a quiet place to listen, instead, to the thing that was happening inside him.
He found himself sitting alone for a while, watching Deena and her friends race around screaming, giggling, and causing havoc at the tops of their lungs.
She and her friends had bought a whole lot of marshmallows, popcorn, and hot dogs on their shopping spree that afternoon, only half of which were being roasted. The other half were being used for missiles and face putty.
He had finally met her, introductions being made by Kay, and had been able to give her the gift he had bought her right after Sean had proposed to him.
She was an excitable little girl, sporting wavy brown hair cropped in an adorable page cut that swung wildly as she ran. And upon meeting her he could see why Sean was so enchanted by her. She was everything endearing about a fearless little girl―sweet, adventurous, and charming.
He was also thinking about her mixed-ethnicity features, the result of her mothers having sought out a Chinese donor. He was thinking helplessly that the way a lot of gay fathers were doing it nowadays was to both donate, so that neither of them knew which was the biological father.
Stopping his thoughts, he waited for a response, a screaming, running for the hills response, to having just used the words “biological father” in relation to himself.
Again, nothing happened.
Sean had arrived on the scene and was helping some of the kids, along with Kay and the other mothers, eat their hot dogs. He could see instantly why kids would need adult supervision on a night like this.
Deena alone was holding two hot dogs, one in each small hand and dripping with condiments, the left one being shoved at a steady pace into her mouth.
After a few bites Sean unobtrusively took it from her, then did the same for the little boy on his other side, stacking them in one hand, then taking napkins being produced by Kay and handing it to both of them. He was able to smoothly do the same for several of the kids, handing hot dogs to the ones who didn’t have any.
Taking the napkins gratefully, Deena caught her breath, wiping her face with the napkins, then looking up at Sean with such love and adoration that he simply melted at the sight.
“Thanks, Sean,” he could hear her whisper, exhausted from her own exertions.
“You’re welcome, baby,” Sean replied, and he realized he was going to have children with this man.
And that the thought…did not terrify him.
Not here, not among these people. It didn’t even sound crazy.
Last year, when Sean had pushed him to commit, he had felt that he and Sean were from much too different backgrounds. And it was chiefly because he had imagined scenarios like these.
But upon seeing it for himself he realized that it wasn’t an unknowable that made people real. It was basic human choice. His own community had all the resources in the world to be happy and supportive, yet they chose not to be. For them it was more fun to be immature and manipulative.
Earlier he had seen Sean’s parents, camped farther back from the fire lying side by side on a long chaise. After greeting them, he had stared way too long at their clasped hands, resting on Wil’s chest. He didn’t think, growing up, that he ever saw a single set of parents cuddled up like that. This was what Sean had come from.
Affection and love. With no strings attached.
Sean had tried to fit himself into his world and their precious, elitist world view, and had only ended up being a victim of it.
And watching Sean in this context―the handful of gay men, many other men who clearly had never contemplated the degree to which they were homosexual under the right circumstances, and not to mention the mothers, all adoring him―he finally understood what it must have taken for Sean to want a commitment from someone like him.
Now he thought he understood what Sean had meant that day when he had promised that he would take care of him.
However, he didn’t need an emotional bulwark. He was fine once he understood his terrain.
But this promise of a future…of family, and children and loved ones. That was a promise he would take from Sean and hold onto with both hands.
~*~
Allison was sitting on their blankets when he returned, seeming perfectly fine for having weathered a storm of kids coming through for bottles of condiments.
He took a seat next to her on the blanket. She had been him approach, her light blue eyes so like Sean’s, and yet so entirely different.
Wrapping his arms around his knees, he turned to her, and said, “Tell me about your coming out.”
She exhaled, as though having been waiting for the prompt, knowing where his interests ultimately lay.
She began to talk. She had been nineteen when it all went down, though it had started three years before when her parents had caught her with a girl from school.
“She was Hawaiian and her parents had just moved here, and I had never seen anything like her.” She quietly shook her head. “I don’t think I even really understood what it meant that I was a lesbian until I met her. One day, my parents caught us. And it was hell.”
“They weren’t okay with it?” he asked, surprised.
“Oh, hell no. Back then it was a fucking mess. You want to talk about a shit storm. Sean was just a baby at the time, only nine, and he was petrified. And so began the years of fighting between me and the folks.”
He glanced at where the mellow couple now sat, finding it hard to believe.
“After that I left for college. I came back home a year later officially out, and that was when it really exploded. They acted so poorly at the time. Like kids who didn’t want to accept that playtime was over.” She shook her head, but went on steadily. “By then Sean had turned twelve. And to say it affected him badly would be one hell of an understatement. He was constantly buckled down waiting for a barrage. At some point I decided I needed to talk to him about it.”
“What’d you say?” he asked softly.
She gave a hard shrug, accompanied by another shake of her head. The memories were obviously still upsetting to her. “I told him it was okay. He’d always been quiet as a kid anyway, just absorbing everything, and I just wanted to make sure he wouldn’t grow up fucked up about it.”
“Did you know he was gay?”
“I suspected it, but he had been so young we had never talked about it. But it was partly why I wanted to be tough, so he wouldn’t feel scared. But by then he just withdrew and there was no getting him to talk about it after that.”
He caught her eyes.
“Sound familiar?” she asked.
He lowered his eyes to the woven blanket.
“How does your story end?” he eventually asked her.
“Awesomely,” she said. “I wasn’t even here when it happened, Sean had to tell me about it when I came home for Christmas. So after I’d gone back to college that fall, my dad’s idiot brother, a raging alcoholic if you ever saw one, came visiting for Thanksgiving. My mom was still not dealing, but at that point my dad was leaning towards being sympathetic, trying getting some form of reconciliation between everyone in the family and the like.” She took a breath, surprisingly breaking into small breaths of laughter. “Well, here comes Uncle Dumbass, raging about, all I needed was a good stiff cock, that why the hell didn’t they send me to some state school where those boys would straighten me right the fuck out.”
His jaw dropped.
Allison, face flushed with laughter, bobbed her head. “Well, that did it for my mom. She’d always hated his guts anyway, so after she tried to bean him with her iron skillet, and missed, my dad hauled him back off to Chicago and that was the last anyone’s seen of him in the family. Not to mention, the last time either of them ever brought up the issue again.”
He blinked at her. “That was it? They just accepted you?”
She nodded, lips pressed tight, looking over to where her parents sat. “After that it was Allison, do whatever you want. Bring whomever you want home, this is our house, you are our daughter, no goddamned idiot is going to tell us how to live.” She laughed outright, then sighed. “Welcome to Iowa.”
He was speechless. “I never had to go through anything,” he reverently told her. “I’d just…bring boys home like I thought all the other kids were doing. You know, for homework in your room and all of that. The fact that they were boys didn’t seem to faze my parents at all. But then again,” he added, giving it some thought, “they were very self-absorbed. But I guess I never realized how much of a favor they were doing me.”
She shook her head in slow wonder. “You take the good with the bad, as my parents always say.”
He looked at her. “Was he happy?”
“As a child? Definitely. Ultimately he grew up in a very accepting home. He didn’t come out of the closet like I’d hoped he would, but I think we all realized early on that he was destined to play in the NFL, and at that point I think he made the decision for himself.” She sighed. “And then he grew older and just seemed to…move on, you know, in the way kids can. Then teenage years came and he just had a fantastic time. Between football and Davey, there was literally no space for anything else.”
Which brought up the thought he had had at the bar.
Looking carefully at her, not wanting to miss anything, he asked whether she thought Sean had been in love with Davey at some point.
“I mean, it is a powerful friendship. It must have been quite a source of comfort to him.”
“Oh, it was, but I don’t think it was sexual love. They were seven when they started becoming glued at the hip, and by the time puberty came along I think it was already too late for any other type of love to develop. As kids, you know, they never actually understood that they weren’t brothers. I mean they knew it, but they didn’t get it until they were much older. And God help you trying to separate them at the end of the day. You’d need a fire hose.”
He shook his head. “It’s so hard to think of him as raucous. At home he can barely move from the sofa. Except, of course,” he corrected, remembering, “once when he beat up an ex of mine.”
Allison looked at him in shock. “What?”
He smiled, feeling his face flame up in a blush. “Yeah. It was pretty hot. We talked progeny after that. Or he did and I pretended not to be excited.”
She laughed softly.
Then they fell silent.
“How’s he been treating you tonight?” she asked.
“Mostly avoiding me.”
After a moment he asked, “Just how familiar to you is this refusal to talk of his?”
“It’s entirely the same thing. He guarded his sexual orientation the same way he guarded his heart. And I know it came from a fear of losing the love of his parents as a kid. That’s a powerful thing for a kid to go through.” She turned and looked at him, almost apologetically. “He fears you the same way.”
After which she fell silent, staring into the yellow flame.
“You have a lot of power over him, Holden.”
His heart was thudding inside his chest. And his head was down.
“And because of that you hurt him profoundly.”
“I know,” he rasped. “I―”
“But as God is my witness, it was not your fault.”
He shook with the breath that came out of him, not realizing how deeply he had been carrying his own pain. “I thought I’d really fucked this up,” he said, the words coming before he could stop them. “I thought that―”
He stopped and let out another, longer breath. “Thanks,” he told her.
“You’re more than welcome.”
After a while he said, “What should I do?”
“Just keep loving him,” she said without skipping a beat. “He’s scared to death, and some walls come down easier than others. But don’t ever let him make you go away.”
~*~