Work Text:
The snow had been falling for two days now, a constant barrage of white. It was blinding and beautiful and it made him think of Soobin. It was sickening.
Yeonjun moved from looking out the window and went to sit down at the table. He had his work strewn out across the dorm table, leaving little space for much else.
He had been trying to work on a new song but nothing was coming to mind. He felt lost without Soobin and this was how he was trying to deal with it.
But nothing came to him, his mind was blank and his heart was bare. There was nothing here for him without Soobin, no love, no happiness, no point in living anymore. Just another day where he was supposed to survive without his favourite person by his side. It was torture.
Beomgyu had told him to come with him to Daegyu and get his mind off all this. But he’d declined, saying he would only ruin their happy atmosphere.
When Taehyun had offered gym sessions to clear his mind he’d also declined, saying he just didn't have the effort.
Hueningkai’s offer of cuddles and ice cream had been the hardest to turn down, but in the end he’d had to because it would only remind him of Soobin. And as much as he tried, Hueningkai just couldn't fill that whole.
So here he was, at exactly 3:28 am, trying to write down how he felt in a song, with the snow laying a thick blanket across Seoul and his heart just getting heavier with each failed attempt. It was infuriating but he just didn't have the energy to do anything else.
If only Soobin was here, if only they hadn’t fought, if only he knew where he was right now.
His thoughts were going so fast around his head, it was almost dizzying. He didn’t know how many more nights of this he could take.
He reached for his phone across the table and pulled up his conversation with Soobin, writing what came to his mind.
Junnie
To my soobinie.
Hello, I hope you're warm, wherever you are.
I miss you.
I miss you so much it hurts.
I miss your smile and the way you hug me.
I miss our late night conversations when we both know we should be sleeping, but your just too cute not to talk to.
And I miss when you’d get embarrassed when I tell you you're pretty, when the tips of your ears go red and you hide your face in my shoulder.
I miss all of you Soobin. Please come back to me darling.
I’ll be waiting for you to return and I’ll be waiting to apologise to you properly when I see you again.
Your forever admirer, Yeonjun.
He let a tear escape as he finished typing the message. It was the fifth one since Soobin left, yet he had sent none of them. The fear of having his most heartfelt emotions out in the open for Soobin to see overwhelmed him each time. And each time he regretted it.
He sighed as he pressed the back button, squeezing his eyes shut as if to shut away the pain. He misses Soobin so much it was like a wound in his heart and only Soobin could fill it. If only he hadn’t lashed out and said he was too clingy, too needy. Because now Yeonjun was the one fulfilling that role and Soobin had been hurt in the process.
He looked down at his phone again and felt his heart stop.
Shit, he’d pressed the send button instead. The message had been sent. To Soobin.
Yeonjun wasn’t ready. He wasn’t ready to be laid out bare like that in front of him. It was terrifying and he hated it.
Soobin hadn’t read the message yet, so Yeonjun quickly closed the app and flung his phone across the room, onto the sofa. There at least, he was safe from whatever reply Soobin might give him. He put his head into his hands and groaned. What was he going to do? He supposed that this might be a good thing, it might be a good thing that Soobin knew how he felt, then they could make up right?
But then again, Soobin might get angry for Yeonjun doing the exact same behaviours that were supposedly what drove him away in the first place. Yeonjun’s heart continued to hurt and his problem continued to remain unsolved.
Ding.
From his phone, the notification sound he had set specifically for Soobin’s messages had gone off. He felt his heart stop again, and whilst holding his breath he walked over to his phone and read the message.
Soobinie
I’ll be there in 5 minutes.
This time his heart really did stop.
He’d been expecting Soobin to not reply or send a long, hurt-filled message. The kind you see in a drama.
But to be seeing him so soon had completely thrown him off track.
He looked around the room and saw all the empty wrappers and cans, he looked in the mirror and saw his dishevelled reflection. This was bad.
He quickly ran to his room and put on some clean clothes, ignoring where he threw the dirty ones. He ran a brush through his hair and cleaned his teeth. This was going to have to do, he thought.
Rushing back to the living room, he gathered up all the rubbish and put it in the bin, making a mental note to take it out later, and just as he wondered if he had time to wipe down the table he heard a knock at the door.
He was here.
With an anxiety filled tummy he went and opened the door, only to find himself engulfed in a hug and greeted with the comforting smell of Soobin.
“I’m so sorry, hyung, i shouldn’t have run away from you like that, it was stupid and im sorry, i promise i’ll never do anything like that ever again, please forgive me.”
Yeonjun was shocked, both from the hug and the flurry of words which followed. Why did Soobin feel like he needed to apologise, he was the one in the wrong, not the younger.
“Soobin no, I'm the one that has to apologise, not you. You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong, I did and I’m so sorry for it. I’m sorry for shouting at you the other day and I promise you’re not too clingy and you’re not too needy, you’re perfect and I love you for all that you do and all the love that you might need. You deserve it. And I promise I'll never make you feel like you should have anything less than again. I’m here for you baby. I love you Soobin, and don’t you ever forget it.”
He felt Soobin sniffle into his shoulder, as he replied, “I love you too, hyung.”, letting Yeonjun finally feel himself relax for the first time in what felt like forever.
They stayed like that for a while, relishing in each others company, just glad to have the other back, until Yeonjun whispered into Soobin’s chest, “I missed you, Binnie.”
“I missed you too Junnie-hyung.”
Yeonjun untangled himself from Soobin’s grasp slightly to look up at him, brushing some snow off his coat, with his eyes not missing the way Soobin’s lingered on his lips for just a second.
“Don’t ever leave me like that again, I was going crazy without you, you’re all I think about. I don’t think I could stand you leaving me again.” he felt his eyes fill up with tears as he looked at Soobin, he was so beautiful and kind and it hurt to think about just how perfect he was.
Soobin’s hand reached down to Yeonjun’s cheek and wiped away the tear that fell from his eye, “Don’t cry, hyung, I don't want to see you sad.”
Yeonjun smiled a sad smile, through his tears, “I just love you so much, you’re perfect you know.”
“We’re perfect for each other.”
Yeonjun’s heart was so full of affection for the younger that he just couldn’t contain himself any longer. He reached up for Soobin’s face and kissed him, going up on tippy toes to reach him, feeling giddy at the way Soobin reciprocated the kiss. He felt all the pain from the last two days melt away, and was greeted only with the safe feeling of being in the arms of the one you loved.
Maybe he could finally finish writing that song, or even start a new one. For his muse was with him now and he would never let him go ever again.