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The quiet hum of Ten-Forward drowned out your nervous thoughts as you entered. Your shift had just ended, and you were dead tired. The dim, almost nonexistent lights did good for your tired eyes. As much as you would’ve loved to just go back to your quarters and collapse into your bed, you had promised yourself that tonight was the night. He was within your sights, you couldn’t let the opportunity slip away.
It’d been your personal mission since you were transferred to the Enterprise to befriend Reginald Barclay. He had been in your graduating class at the academy, but the two of you had never spoken. Other lower ranking officers had warned you that he was weird, socially inept, and reclusive. It was no secret that he was singled out and picked on. It made you angry, Starfleet officers acting like children and bullying this poor man. It brought back memories of how the same thing had happened to you at the academy. Once getting your first commission, you had earned the respect of the people who had once taunted you by simply putting your foot down.
Like any good science officer, even though animal sciences weren’t your strong suit, you’d done plenty of observation. Barclay was one of the most competent engineers you’d ever seen, his talents and knowledge amazed you. Initially, you’d been eager to befriend him because he reminded you of who you used to be, but now you suspected you had ulterior motives. He was sweet, soft spoken and gentle. You often admired him during your off-duty shifts, using any excuse to be under the feet of the engineers even though an art historian had no business there. Geordi LaForge had caught on to your little charade quickly, with his reassurance that Barclay was just a sweet man with some confidence issues, you started building up the nerve to talk to him.
You weaved between tables, stopping to chat with some of your fellow officers every few steps. The butterflies in your stomach were quickly becoming targs as you closed the distance between the two of you. Barclay hadn’t noticed you yet, lost in his own world.
- -
Reginald stared out the window, ignoring the snickering of other officers. Mealtimes and off-duty hours were always hard for him. He tried to avoid the holodeck, afraid of relapsing in his addiction. Most officers spent their non-working hours with their friends, something he lacked. Usually, he settled for reading some engineering journals, but they got boring quickly. He settled into his usual routine, read half a paper, eat dinner, and daydream. Or eveningdream as he supposed it was, not that it mattered anyway. The reflections in the glass pane of the window were more interesting to him than what was happening outside of it. Quiet chatter and the clinking of silverware on dishes filled his ears. Blurry forms of his shipmate’s reflections drifted around against the backdrop of stars. Reginald watched them, content to observe rather than engage. He knew he should make more of an effort to integrate himself, but it was just too daunting.
He shook his head to clear the thoughts of Deanna’s words bouncing around. Being more social wasn’t within the realm of possibility for him. Besides that, he didn’t mind being alone so much, there was plenty to occupy him. At least, that was how he lied to her. He sighed, the loneliness did get to him though. Everyone seemed to have a companion except him, it left a dull ache in his heart. He had accepted long ago back at the academy, that any dreams he had of being a loving husband were just that, dreams.
A reflection in the window changed its trajectory, and he changed his focus to it. The blurry figure was a woman, a science officer he guessed judging by the blurry blue uniform. Slowly her figure sharpened and his stomach dropped when he realized she was heading towards him, he couldn’t deal with the taunting right now. He decided to play dumb and act as though he hadn’t seen her approach. Barclay braced himself.
“Excuse me Lieutenant, is this seat taken?”
Barclay wanted to crawl under the table and die. It was Lieutenant L/N, the beautiful art historian who haunted him in engineering. She was always there, always laughing, always distracting him from his work. They had never had any actual interactions outside of pleasantries, he was certain it was all delusions in his head. This couldn’t be happening, he knew exactly what was about to unfold, because it happened every time he tried his luck with a woman. The conversation would begin, he’d get lured into a false sense of security and overshare, then be humiliated and left on his own.
“N-no, I-it’s all-l yours, I-if you want it of course.”
She beamed at him and pulled out the chair, placing her books and pad on the table beside his own. “I do, I was hoping I'd get a chance to talk to you outside of engineering for once.”
“T-that’s kind of you. W-what would you like to talk about?”
“Hmm, I don’t know! Are you reading anything good right now?” She leaned toward him and placed her chin on her clasped hands. Dim light from the surrounding tables glinted in her eyes that were trained so intensely on him, and nothing but him. It made him sweat, he wrung his hands together nervously as his mind went blank.
“I-i-i, umm…”
She giggled at him. He felt his heart drop into his stomach. The lights blurred around her, forming a halo around her perfect face. Hazel eyes blinked expectantly at him.
“I-i read…a book…i-it was a-about engineering p-principles. Abstract warp theory is really fascinating! Would you like me to lend it to you?” Barclay felt giddy that she was giving him the time of day. It was so good it just couldn’t be true, whatever had possessed her would soon fade, and she would come to her senses. With that, his shoulders slumped and he curled his arms in on himself.
“I would! I’d be happy to swap with you, if you’d like to read something new, that is.” Her attention never wavered, there were no signs that the spell was being broken, she was just as enraptured as she had been when she first sat down.
“I-i’d like that, would you like to swap pads?”
“Sure!” She extended her pad to him and waited while he fumbled with the stack of things in front of him. She giggled as he nervously thrust his pad into her hands.
“Well, I’d better be going, my shift starts soon. It was nice talking to you, I'll be sure to drop in on you again some time.” The chair scraped against the floor of Ten Forward as Y/N stood up and readied herself to leave.
“I’d like that.” He said as confidently as he could muster. With a little wave she spun around and headed towards the door, greeting people as she went. All he could do was stare after her, shuddering in her wake.
-
Weeks passed, and their meetings became regular. Barclay ate up anything she gave him to read and hoped she did the same with his engineering books. Slowly but surely, he became more sure of himself as their friendship progressed. It had been slow going, the first few times they met he could barely get a sentence out straight. Nonetheless Y/N was kind and patient with him, never critiquing his social skills and always being accommodating of his needs. She listened with pure intent to his stuttering comments and enthusiastic ramblings, giggling politely all the while. He remembered how after their first meeting he rushed to Deanna and told her everything. Most of all, how he was afraid if this went on, he’d fall for her.
And he did, hard. She never left his mind, not when he was working or when he slept. Every time she poked her head in engineering with the sole intention of seeing him, even if no one else understood why. He flushed whenever she was near him, her perfume, her hair, the way the light caught her smile, everything about her was simply captivating. After the first few meetings as he got to know her better beyond her pretty face, he found her to be nothing but kind, patient, and loving. When she smiled at him or rested her hand between his shoulder blades, he felt his stomach church with anxiety. As much as he wanted to confess, he knew it would be his undoing.
It was late, both of them had just gotten off their shifts. They met at their usual table in the dark little back corner of Ten Forward, far away from the rowdy younger officers to engage in their customary quiet conversation. It progressed naturally, starting with their respective days, but somehow it landed right in the lap of the thing Barclay was the most afraid of; Love.
“So, is there anyone…special in your life?” Y/N leaned across the table towards him. She had lent him Pride and Prejudice, and the topic of their respective love lives had come about naturally. He racked his brain trying to think of something to say to appease her curiosity without revealing himself. Barclay felt his face burn with embarrassment.
“I…uhhh…u-ummm. N-not really, I don’t have the b-best luck with women.”
She laughed a bit and placed her hand over her mouth to muffle herself. Barclay felt his heart sink down into his stomach. Of course she would laugh at him, he should have said something else.
“It’s alright, I haven’t had much luck myself.” Sheepishness colored her face and suddenly all her attention was focused on her hands in her lap. How was that possible? She was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen. Y/N made his stomach flip whenever he saw her. He was so in love with her he didn’t know what to do with himself. Everything about her captivated him.
“I had a boyfriend at the academy, but we had to break it off because he had a marriage arranged for him back on Vulcan, his name was T’set. Sometimes I miss him, I’ve never had a boyfriend since. There’s someone new in my life though, I just don’t really know what to do.”
Barclay felt disgusting. Why had he been naive enough to think he could be enough for her? Whoever he was must be truly perfect, a Greek god even. Someone like Commander Riker, after all, Deanna had chosen him. He couldn’t put his finger on it, he just didn’t have something that everyone else had, it was what had kept him all alone for so many years. Y/N may have had a boyfriend at some point, but Barclay had always been by himself.
“O-oh, who? I-if you don’t mind my asking.”
It was her turn to flush now. “I’ll tell you in due time, I need to make a move first.” She laughed nervously and tossed some of her hair over her shoulder. He’d never seen her nervous before, somehow it made him feel more connected to him.
“I-i’d give you advice, but it’d be baseless."
“I’m open to anything, really. T’Set was so long ago, and even then most of the advances were on his part.”
“W-well, again I have no experience, b-but I’d be direct if I could.” He clasped his hands tightly in his lap, who was he to be giving her advice? “If only I could.” Quietly, he muttered to himself.
“Hm? If you could? Do you…have someone?” She became uncharacteristically meek, her shoulders slumped a little.
“U-uh, yeah, b-but It’ll never go anywhere. She has someone already. Whoever he is, I'm sure he can provide for her better than I ever could.”
Y/N’s entire face burned red as she spoke. “I think you’d make a wonderful partner. I’m sure she’d love you Reg, you should tell her.” Maybe he was imagining it, but did her eyes look a little misty? Secretly, she was hurt that he spoke to other women, her company must not be sufficient.
Barclay was so happy he could cry. Maybe, just maybe, she’d agree to give him a chance. It was a long shot, but if there was any possibility he had to try. If this opportunity slipped through his fingers, he knew he would never have another one. However, the prospect of losing the only person in his life, the only person who loved him for who he was, he couldn’t risk. But oh, if she was his, if she allowed him even one kiss, he could die a happy man.
“A-alright, I'll think about it. It’s getting late and we have Alpha shift.”
“You’re right, we’d better be going.” She laughed weakly, clearly he had somehow managed to make her uncomfortable. No, he couldn’t do it, he would be happy for her and her new boyfriend as any good friend should be. She could afford to lose him, but he couldn’t afford to lose her.
“M-may I walk you back to your quarters?” Barclay stood before her and pulled out her chair.
\
“That’d be nice.”
Barclay grabbed her pads for her and let her lead him through Ten Forward. It touched his heart that she followed the route he always took that kept him out of the sights of people who didn’t like him. His heart was heavy as they walked. They both kept a slow pace, neither ready for their night for vulnerability to end. Passing by one of the large observation windows, Y/N stopped. She reached out and tugged Barclay back by the fabric of his uniform.
“I-is everything alright?”
“Reg, I need to talk to you.” Her voice was timid, she refused to meet his gaze. Usually so confident and outgoing, seeing her wringing her hands and staring at her feet made him uneasy.
“About what?” It felt like someone had thrown a heavy blanket over his chest that was muffling his ability to breathe. She looked so solemn, so afraid, and it made him afraid.
“I, I have to tell you something.” She stammered. The overbearing silence of the deserted corridor echoed in his ears. Everything outside the window flew by and they stayed at a standstill. Barclay stood stock still, motionless. Every nerve in his body vibrated with tension, he followed her gaze everywhere it went, like she was an electric current. Breathing seemed too strenuous in light of his present circumstances, all he could do was wait for her, like he knew he always would.
“W-what? Did I do something wrong? Have I upset you? D-do you no longer want to be friends with me. It’s alright if you do, I understand, I wouldn’t want to be associated with me either.” He smiled weakly and blinked his tears away, clutching her pads to his chest to keep himself from unraveling like nothing but flimsy yarn. Y/N’s expression flickered from confusion, to sadness, to something he couldn’t identify.
“What? No. Reg, I love you.” Her words were simple, but filled with such passion. It was said with such finality it made him want to fall at her feet and cry. As much as he wanted to fool himself, to believe it wasn’t real, to tell himself she was lying, he couldn’t. Something about the look in her eyes made him believe her with his whole heart.
“I love you too.”
Y/N grabbed the pads in his arms, threw them carelessly to the ground and yanked Barclay to her by the shoulders. She slammed her body against his, smashing their lips together and nearly crushing her body with the force of her love. Barclay grasped desperately at her waist, trying to fill the nonexistent gap between them. Eventually, reluctantly, they broke apart, gasping for air.
“I love you so much, I adore you.” She ran her hand up his chest and held his face. He leaned into her touch and ran his hands down her sides. As long as she held him like this, he couldn’t care less if people thought he was odd. None of that mattered, not as long as he had her.