Archive of Our Own

For some reason it was comforting to visit the instrument store. Not for the instruments themselves, but for what was half hidden at the end of the store: CDs and vinyls, not so easy to find nowadays. Yoongi couldn't tell when was the last time he saw so many CDs, but there, in a small country town, it seemed more common than in his hometown. 

He wasn't a collector, most of the time he just bought something so he wouldn't leave the store empty-handed, but he could easily spend hours there without taking anything in the end. Gradually he was getting used to the neighborhood, with the streets without cars most of the time, but filled with children playing, with the ladies sitting on the sidewalk, chatting late into the night.

The city was cozy, but not exactly inviting. Yoongi knew that staying there would definitely be giving up a future he had always dreamed of when he was younger. Staying would mean living the same life for a long time: waking up in the morning and having a cup of black coffee, alone. Spend the rest of the day between sitting at the computer and writing, eating something and feeling lonely. On weekends, going out to eat, walking the empty streets and spending a few hours in the back of the instrument shop. Occasionally sit in the backyard and watch the sky, which was almost always blue and without clouds. Yoongi always preferred the sky on a sunny day, covered with clouds.

Thinking that way, it wasn't the life he'd always dreamed of, but it didn't seem too bad either. It's true that he didn't smile most days and that he missed the people he left behind, but it could be worse. He took comfort in that thought.

“Good Morning.” The voice of the owner of the store made Yoongi look back.

Usually, when visiting the store, hours would pass without another customer entering. It was just the two of them there, in silence. Occasionally someone else would arrive but soon left. He found it strange that on one rainy sunday morning someone had entered the store, especially that sunday. Maybe the boy standing in the middle of the establishment, his clothes dripping and his shoes littering the floor with mud, just wanted shelter while the rain didn't calm down.

Yoongi only realized he was staring at the boy when he felt the weight of his gaze staring back at him. He was taller than him and had a cheerful expression, the kind of person who doesn't go unnoticed. His black hair fell half-wet down his neck, soaking his dark coat, his tanned skin contrasted with his turtle neck white shirt and when he smiled dimples appeared.

Looking away, Yoongi turned his attention to the vinyl in his hands. He remembered his childhood and his grandmother's house, where she had the same Michael Jackson’s vinyl. He was torn about whether to take it home or not, because while it brought back a good memory, that vinyl also made him think about everything he’d decided to leave behind when he moved to another city.

The boy was now at his side. It wasn’t common for Yoongi to meet someone his own age since he moved, it was a small town where everyone knew everyone else and the houses were very far apart. Most families didn’t spend the whole year in the city, and the few people who stayed there, mostly, were the elderly. It was always weird to meet a young person, but it was also good.

The boy chose some CDs and soon left. Yoongi would’ve liked to say something, but as usual the words died under his tongue. He never knew if it was worth it letting them out.

—

That sunday the streets were even emptier than usual. There were no children playing in the streets or ladies talking on the sidewalks, everyone should be at home, having lunch as a family. The rain had eased, now it was so light it was barely noticeable. Yoongi had thought about making lunch at home, but the idea of eating alone seemed even lonelier than usual.

So instead he decided to have a picnic. There was a lake near the house that he still didn't get used to calling his home, it had a covered area around it and he liked to go there on days like this. In a way, being alone outside the house was easier and less painful, less lonely.

The sky was a shade darker than usual because of the rain. The cold wind made Yoongi's short hair dance around his face, his hands covered by the sleeve of his jacket in an attempt to warm them up.

He pulled out of his bag one of the snacks he’d prepared. If it had been another time, when he still lived in his old house and didn't even think about leaving, he would now be sitting at a long wooden table, having lunch amid laughter and loud conversation. But that was past and each day it seemed a more distant reality, almost like something that had happened to someone other than him.

Maybe it was better this way.

Hoseok would like to have a dog. Sometimes he thought the company of an animal would do him good, because being alone wasn’t good for him, even after so long. But having a dog would mean having more responsibilities, and that would be another burden he didn't know if he would be able to bear.

He often fantasized what the reaction of those who had known him as a child would be if they saw him now. Hoseok had been a talkative, curious and endearing child. Captivating is perhaps the best word. He was so smart and communicative, he always made his parents' friends fall in love with him. Even strangers on the streets smiled at them and complimented the boy so his parents were sure he would make them very proud in the future. But they were wrong.

At some point something changed, and even as he struggles to remember, Hoseok can't say for sure when it happened. All he knows is that somewhere between that early part of childhood and the stage when you begin to perceive yourself in the world, he got lost. He felt lost and disconnected from everyone around him, it was a strange and painful feeling, the feeling of looking in the mirror and not believing what he saw – not because what was staring back at him was good or bad, but because it confused him. It was scary – the feeling of saying something out loud and immediately regretting it. Before the age of ten he could no longer even have a casual conversation with his parents. And everything just got worse over time.

It was funny ‘cause, despite living there for so many years, most people didn't know him. That was one of the things he was already used to. When he was younger, after some time, people no longer knew about his existence and it was common for them to get confused when his mother would say “this is my son, Hoseok”. He never used to go out, so people thought it was just his mom and dad in the house.

Years passed and that hasn't changed much. Neighbors knew someone lived there, but few could describe him, and perhaps no one knew his name for sure.

Still, every now and then, Hoseok went out to breathe somewhere other than his home. After so many days in that house he felt the need to exist in a different place.

He probably wouldn't have noticed another person there, his attention focused on the sound of birds and the movement of the water. But Hoseok didn't needed to notice, 'cause when he looked up he found the boy from the instruments store staring at him.

“Hi,” he said, a bit awkwardly, his cheeks and neck burning red. Hoseok forced a smile to reassure him.

“Hi.” He forces a smile. “It was you at the CD store earlier today, right?”

His smile and sympathy seemed to reassure the other a bit, because he came a little closer and cleared his throat before answering.

“Yeah. Sorry to bother you, it's just that when I come here there's usually no one.  I saw that there was someone else around and got curious, but–”

“You can stay.  If you want.”

Hoseok didn't know why he was saying this, as being alone was all he wanted.  Maybe he was just feeling a bit of empathy for the uncomfortable embarrassed boy and wanted to act with sympathy.  Besides, it was the second time that day they had run into each other, and that was a little bit unusual.

“I'm Hoseok.”

“Yoongi.” He sat in silence and Hoseok noticed that the boy was carrying a bag with food. “Are you hungry?”

“I am, actually.” Yoongi offered a sandwich and he accepted. Hoseok was kinda nervous too, it had been a long time since he'd last sat down with someone on a sunday afternoon and he didn't know what he was supposed to do. Yoongi wanted to talk?  Do something? He was probably a lonely person, to be alone on fathers day.

"So, no plans for today?" Hoseok looked at him curiously.

Yoongi wasn’t small, but he looked smaller next to Hoseok. It was probably his oversized clothes’ fault, his hands almost disappearing into the sleeves of his jacket. Hoseok had to control himself to avoid the urge to straighten the other's hair, ruffled by the wind, and make sure he wasn't cold.

“My family lives in another city.” He looked into Hoseok's eyes for the first time. Despite his flushed cheeks and his uncomfortable expression, his gaze was steady. “What about you?”

“I don't have a father. He died a few years ago, so today is just an ordinary day for me.”

“I'm sorry.”

“It's okay. It's been a long time.” He smiled once more and again it seemed to work.  Hoseok was good at faking smiles. “It's been a long time.”

“My mother died a few months ago.” Yoongi looked away again.

“I'm sorry.”

Silence.

“My mom died some time ago too. To be honest, I'm not sure how long ago. I probably should know. It’s just… I hadn't seen them both for years. But I'm sorry this happened to you.”

“Thanks.”

After that, they spent the rest of the afternoon there, in silence. But it wasn't an uncomfortable silence. Hoseok liked to spend a few hours like this, not saying anything, just looking at the river and listening to the sounds of everything around them: birds, bugs, the rattling of leaves on the trees. And the noise of Yoongi chewing beside him brought a different kind of comfort.

It was weird being with someone he barely knew on that day when most people were with their families. It was weird, but it was definitely better than being home alone. Hoseok allowed himself to enjoy those hours, because he didn't know if he would have such an experience out of his routine anytime soon.

And spending those hours with Yoongi was strangely easy. It was also easy to ask where he lived and take him to his house. It was easy to say “see you” and smile. But it wasn't easy to turn around and walk away. Hoseok didn't find it difficult 'cause it was that boy specifically, but because going home was always difficult.

He spends most of his time at home alone and was used to it, but every time he went out… somehow it changed everything for a moment. Going out for a few hours and seeing the world outside made it painful to have to go back to his real life. Back to the dark empty house that was too big for a man to live alone.

Every time he would come into the house at night and lock the door and then stare at the cold walls of that place that should be his home. And he would be flooded with anguish. The overwhelming feeling that causes his legs to sag and his chest to heave. Suddenly breathing feels too hard and his thoughts turn into painful confusion. And then Hoseok is sure.

Suddenly he's sure that the pain of loneliness is heavier and more painful than any other. As he stares at his tired reflection in the mirror and notices how the dark circles under his eyes are getting deeper, his hair keeps falling out, and his skin is getting dry, Hoseok realizes that loneliness hurts more than hating himself. Loneliness hurts more than regrets, it hurts more than not being able to go back and change his past mistakes. 'Cause no pain seems to overcome the pain of falling into the shower while crying and having no one to help you up. No pain compares to when you wake up shivering and wanting to be held, but a hug is a distant dream, an almost luxurious dream.

It hurts so much to stagger to bed, his legs hurt and sore after falling into the bathroom, curling up under the covers and not having the strength to cry anymore. It hurts not to have the strength to let out all the mixed feelings that weigh heavily in his chest. But none of this hurts as much as biting his fist to avoid a scream of frustration at having no one to talk to.

He curls up in bed and hugs a pillow, trying to pretend to fill an emptiness that will never be filled. He closes his eyes and falls asleep, many hours before people are used to doing so. Hoseok knows that he’ll end up sleeping for hours straight, and as much as this seems like a waste of time and irresponsible for someone his age, what else could he do?

Sleeping is comforting ‘cause in his dreams he's never alone. ‘Cause in dreams he's never tired or sad. ‘Cause in dreams he doesn't feel pain.

Is there anything sadder and more painful than giving in to sleep in the hope that you won't wake up anymore? Hoseok thinks so. It hurts a lot more to wake up the next day, on a bed too big for just one person. It hurts so much more to wake up and know that you’ll have to repeat the day before again and again and again.

—

After that, Hoseok and Yoongi created a routine between them two, without planning it. Yoongi was right after all, Hoseok really only went into the instrument store to protect himself from the rain that day, but the reason he came back the next day was different. He didn't quite know what that was, but he had that strange abstract feeling that made him feel the need to go back.  And so he went there.

As he went up the two steps that led to the store's entrance, Hoseok noticed that his hands were sweating and there was a knot in his stomach. It had been a long time since he'd felt this anxious. Perhaps it was the shame of returning there or the thought that Yoongi would think he was weird.

In the end the anxiety was silly, ‘cause Yoongi smiled shyly when he saw Hoseok and went back to looking at the vinyls again, as if they were more interesting. But he noticed how red the other's cheeks were.

And this was repeated in the next few days. They didn't talk much, just shake hands and then spend some time looking at the CDs and vinyls, then they would go out and walk together to Yoongi's house. The two would stop in front of the house and look at each other.  Despite the embarrassment of that new and confused relationship, when they looked at each other there was no more shame or fear. The gaze was always steady and lasted a few seconds, until Hoseok's lips break into a smile and say something like “see you tomorrow”.

For some reason his smile always made Yoongi feel butterflies in his stomach. 

“Do you listen to all the CDs you buy?” Hoseok asked one day.

He rarely took anything when they left the store, but Yoongi never left empty-handed.

“Yes. At least one time.”

Hoseok nodded and remained silent. He enjoyed the walk to Yoongi's house, enjoyed watching him walk, and enjoyed every detail of him. For example, it was cute noticing the height difference between them and how Yoongi always had to tilt his head a little to look into Hoseok's eyes. His smile was almost always shy, not showing his teeth. But sometimes Hoseok managed to make him smile openly, gummy and all, and then a sense of pride would fill him. He also noticed that, despite being smaller in almost everything, Yoongi had bigger hands than Hoseok's and for some reason this made him want to intertwine their fingers. He wished they could walk hand in hand through the empty city streets.

“You must be very fond of music then.” He blurted out after a while, suddenly taken by the urge to carry on a conversation with the other.

“I think so. I didn't plan on having that many CDs and vinyls, but it happened. I think with time I learned to like it more than in the beginning and now it has become something special for me.” Silence again. Yoongi took advantage of Hoseok's opening to try to talk, it was something he’d wanted for a long time, but was afraid of sounding invasive and losing that strange relationship they were building. “You know, we see each other every day but we don't talk much. It's like you're a stranger, while you're not.”

“And that's bad?”

“Not exactly. But I'm curious and would like to get to know you better, know more about you.”

Hoseok stops for a moment and looks at him, thinking about what he just said. To know him better? Hoseok doesn't know if he's ready for this, if it's the right thing. Maybe approaching someone isn't the best thing to do right now, but that twinge in his stomach makes him curious about Yoongi too.

“Okay. What you want to know?”

“Oh, I don't know. We can start with the basics, how old are you? What do you do? These things.

“Mhmm, okay. I'm 26 years old and I don't do anything interesting. We can say that my parents left me well with money, so I work at home but it's not because I need to.”

“And what do you work with?” Yoongi was slowing down his walk, his house getting closer and closer.

“I write. Most of my projects are never published though. But I'm also a ghost writer so I always have something to keep me busy.” 

“Interesting, I wouldn’t imagine you were a writer.”

 “And you?” They were now standing in front of the house and Hoseok seemed more comfortable than on other days.

“I'm a year older than you. I'm a teacher, but now working organizing and revising materials, creating content for some schools. It's a lot more lonely and exhausting than being in the classroom, but there aren't any schools around here and I really don't want a job elsewhere. At least not for now.”

Hoseok smiled, not sure what to say. He always found it very difficult to have a conversation with people, to live with and deal with them. Relationships are complicated, connecting with someone has always been a difficult task – and he thought he would never be able to do it successfully.

But with Yoongi things were different, seeing him every day was easy. Being close to him, even silently, wasn't awkward or uncomfortable. And Hoseok realized now that talking to him wasn't as difficult and suffocating as talking to other people, either.

“Do you want to come in?”

“What?” Hoseok shook his head, trying to shake off his musings, and focus his attention on the boy in front of him.

“Want to come in? I can show you my CDs and make you some coffee. We can talk more if you want.”

If it had been anyone else, Hoseok would have denied it and would never talk to them again. But this was Yoongi and deep down he really wanted to enter his house, probably since the first time he’d taken the eldest home.

So he did.

The house was simple, as Yoongi had moved in a hurry and didn't know if he would be there for long. Everything about his life was a big "maybe", 'cause he was unable to decide anything. Would he definitely stay there? Would he come home? Would he go somewhere else? These were recurring questions that never got a right answer. So Yoongi just ignored his doubts and took it one day at a time.

The place was small but comfortable for someone who lives alone. The living room was spacious and on a shelf all Yoongi's CDs and vinyls were proudly displayed.

The two sat at the small wooden kitchen table and lost track of time, chatting between cups of coffee. When Hoseok realized it was late and he needed to get back to his house.

All the way, he kept going back to those hours they spent together and everything he knew about Yoongi now. And about everything Yoongi knew about him. It had been so long since he'd developed a relationship like that with anyone, and despite the awkwardness he felt, it was a good thing.

That night Hoseok arrived home and was only able to remove his shoes before falling into bed, exhausted. He felt drained, but for the first time in a long time his chest didn't weigh as much. The bed still felt cold and his body naturally curled against itself, but he managed to fall asleep without that familiar sense of frustration.

—

Naturally, in the days that followed, Hoseok's visits to Yoongi's house became recurrent. At some point the opposite also happened. The two could no longer go a day without seeing each other and that strange and awkward friendship at the beginning gained honest freedom every day.

Now, lying down on the living room floor while Hoseok sat on the couch writing, was part of Yoongi's most mornings. Just as it was common for Hoseok to sit at the kitchen table watching Yoongi as the eldest prepared lunch. 

Sometimes an inconvenient question seemed to hurt the delicacy of how their relationship was being built, but the discomfort didn't last long between them.

“I think I'd better go.” Yoongi stood up suddenly.

They were in the living room of Hoseok's house, Yoongi was watching TV while the youngest was writing. Most of the time they spent together was like this: each doing something different, but snuggled in the silence and presence of the other. Yoongi had realized just then that he’d lost the notion of time.

“It's too late for you to go alone, I'm going with you.” Hoseok got up too.

“There’s no need. I really want to walk by myself, it relaxes me.”

“I won't let you go alone, Yoongi.”

“Hoseok, you've lived here all your life, you know very well it's not likeit’s dangerous. I'll be fine. I text you when I get home.”

Hoseok took both his wrists, looking into his eyes.

“You don't have to leave today. You can sleep here if you want.”

“I don't want to bother.”

“You never bother, Yoongi.” Hoseok came closer and brought his hands to the eldest's cheeks. He shivered and realized that Yoongi was looking at him in surprise. “I'll get some of my clothes so you can sleep more comfortably.” He took the glasses off the other and went towards his own room.

Yoongi tiptoed out of the bathroom, sure that Hoseok had already fallen asleep. He wore a gray sweater that was too big on him, and a pair of pajama pants that had to be rolled up to keep from touching the floor. But it was comfortable to feel Hoseok's scent blending in with his and he couldn't help but smile thinking about it.

He stopped in front of his friend's room, which had the door ajar. As he had thought, the other one was already asleep. Yoongi smiled and whispered a "good night" before closing the door and heading towards the next room.

His glasses were on the table beside the bed, along with a cup of tea that was now lukewarm. He sat up and drank it before lying down to sleep. 

When Hoseok woke up, the house was still silent. Sunlight streamed in through the windows and illuminated the emptiness that filled the room. He went into the next room and watched Yoongi, leaning against the doorframe. The boy looked even prettier as he slept, his hair spread across the pillow and a line of drool running down his chin. Hoseok carefully went to the bed, making every effort not to wake him with his footsteps, and smoothed his hair to the side. Yoongi sighed deeply but continued to sleep.

Before leaving the room and closing the door again, Hoseok noticed his friend's cell phone screen on.

2 missed calls from Taehyung .

—

Yoongi sleeping at Hoseok's house also became their routine. What was something that happened from time to time started to happen once a week and, when they realized, it was too strange when they didn't sleep together in the same house.

Hoseok would wake up and make coffee for both of them, strong and sugar-free, 'cause even though it wasn't the way he liked it, he knew Yoongi would only drink it if it was this way. So they ate together before Hoseok went to his office to work. Yoongi would clean the kitchen and entertain himself by reading a book or watching something until lunchtime. He’d always liked to cook and it was even more pleasant to make lunch for Hoseok, he always smiled until his eyes disappear when he saw his friend tasting and praising his food.

In the afternoon, Yoongi would work in the living room, while Hoseok continued to write, sometimes in his office, sometimes in his garden or in his bedroom. They didn't exchange more than a few words, but that wasn't such a bad thing, 'cause it made their relationship easier for both of them.

Yoongi liked the way things were.

Hoseok turned off the computer and sighed deeply, lightly pulling his hair back. It had been a tiring day, he’d spent most of it writing and lost track of time. Hours passed and he wasn't sure when his last meal had been.

It was a tuesday and one of the rare days he didn't go out, he didn't go to the instrument store and he didn't saw Yoongi either. Those days happened less and less often these days, but when they did they always reminded Hoseok of the fragility of the routine the two friends had created.

These days made it clear to him how much his shoulders still weighed at the end of the day, how empty he still felt, especially when he was alone. Lonely, though it somehow feels wrong to admit this to himself – as if he were diminishing Yoongi's importance to him. And, especially, these days he realized how unfair it was to want to be with the eldest. It didn't seem fair, because when he wasn't there, Hoseok could only think about him.

He got up in the morning and went to the guest room, but it was empty. Sometimes he had to control himself not to go to bed and see if the sheets smelled like Yoongi. He would go out and make the coffee, but it wasn't so good to make it just for him. 'Cause he was used to making a quantity for two people, so half of the drink cooled and was thrown down the sink.

While he was writing in his office he had to make a big effort to concentrate. It was so hard to write about any subject when his mind kept running in a circle on the same thing, the same person. When he realized, he was biting his nails, an old habit he'd long thought he'd outgrown, too eager for the idea of seeing Yoongi again.

It didn't feel right. None of this felt right. Hoseok didn't know exactly what to do, he hadn't had a friend for so long. But he knew it wasn't right to need someone that much.

Then he got up and closed the office door. He felt the hair on his arm stand up in the cold, but was too lazy to close the windows. He went into the bedroom with his body weighing more than usual.

Hoseok opened his bathroom door and stepped into the bathtub. He usually hated bathtubs, but this was one of the days he didn't think he had the strength to stand in the shower. He allowed himself to close his eyes and let his body relax, let his thoughts run free without trying to get distracted.

His whole body ached and his throat burned, he yearned for something he couldn't explain what it was. He needed something unknown, something that might make sense to all of this and make him stop hurting.

Maybe, after all, his life was about how much he could take. Maybe it was about how long it would take him to realize that this thing he yearned for didn't exist. It would never exist.

—

“I lived with my ex-boyfriend here for a while, after my parents left. But it didn't last long.” Hoseok admitted one day. 

They were like that, sometimes they would say something important about themselves. Out of nowhere. But it wasn't really out of nowhere, it was because they loved each other, cared for each other and wanted to share as much of themselves with each other as possible.

“What happened?” Yoongi laid his head on his folded arms on the table, his eyes focused on Hoseok, who was still typing on the computer, as if the words came out naturally without him having to think too much about what he was doing.

“We didn't work. We would never work, to tell you the truth.”

Rainwater from a few minutes ago was running through the window and the ticking of the living room clock echoed into the office. Yoongi tried to imagine a younger Hoseok, living in that house with his boyfriend. It was weird to think about it, 'cause the house felt so empty and silent, it didn't seem to be a place for a happy couple to live. But maybe two who loved each other would be able to change everything and make it their home.

“Why?” Yoongi opened his eyes again and noticed that Hoseok was looking at him with a tired look. Behind that contagious smile was always a tired Hoseok, it was painful to think about that.

“'Cause we never connected. I've never been able to connect with anyone, to be honest. I thought it would be different with him, but it wasn't.”

“Did you love each other?” Hoseok smiled, Yoongi's genuine curiosity was one of the cutest things about him.

“Yes. I loved him like I’d never loved anyone and every time he looked at me I was sure he loved me as much. But that wasn't enough.” He turned his attention to the computer screen. “Sometimes love isn't enough to make it work. I think it never is. I think if two people love each other and want to stay together they need something more.”

“And what would that be?”

“I don't know. I never connected with anyone to find out. But I think we need something more.”

“And how can you love someone without connecting with them?”

 Hoseok was silent for a moment, wondering how to answer this question. It was hard to put into words, because that was a rather abstract thought in his mind. How could he have loved Namjoon without ever feeling connected to him? It was hard to tell, but he was sure he loved him.

“You must have already loved someone, right? You must know how it is. Well, it was the same between us. But there was a barrier that prevented us from getting closer. I was never able to open up to him, the words came, weighed and died in my mouth. I could never be honest with him and he also acted the same way.” Hoseok took a deep breath and got up, started walking around the office while he spoke. Moving around helped him organize his thoughts. “When we were well the relationship was good, because there were no feelings and thoughts hidden under the rug. But when one of us wasn't well… then the atmosphere between us was heavy. But neither of us knew how to resolve this. We would spend hours in an awkward and painful silence, then someone would give in and finally say something, but no one would ever ask what was going on. We just pretended everything was fine, when it clearly wasn't.” He sat down again, this time at the center table, facing Yoongi. “Sometimes I didn't have a normal conversation with him for days, 'cause that's the way I am. Sometimes something inside me makes me stop functioning and even though I try my best my voice doesn't come out. I get lost inside myself and it becomes impossible to reach another person. I don't think he ever understood that very well, guess he thought I was doing it on purpose. I know, speaking like this it sounds like I'm crazy and that I was too heavy a burden for him to carry. That's probably right.”

“No, I didn't think that at all.” He reached out to entwine his fingers with Hoseok's, but he pulled away.

“Ok. But I know it wasn't just me who made things difficult, 'cause he acted the same way sometimes. Maybe to punish me. The thing is that, at some point, we got tired of this situation. We lived in the same house and still missed each other. So we both gave in.” The youngest gave a weak smile. Remembering the past always brought a feeling of impotence. “We would kiss and cry apologizing to each other and then we would talk about how much we loved each other. And this was all genuine. We'd end up in bed in the end, 'cause Namjoon always thought the intimacy of sex could somehow replace a much stronger intimacy that we didn't have and never would. Eventually things would get too heavy for two young boys to handle. And that's what happened.”

Yoongi stayed silent for a while, without knowing what to say to all of this. Hoseok didn't show sadness when talking about Namjoon, and Yoongi knew that meant he was long overdue.

“Do you miss him?”

He seemed to think for a moment. Yoongi regretted asking, but now it was too late.

“No.” He replied before the other could change the subject. “In the beginning I missed him. Of course. I think it was only in the first few months, though. It was only in the first few months that I missed the person he was. Then, as time went on, I still missed someone . But it was a different feeling, you know? Almost as if it didn't matter after all. It was more about missing someone's presence, tired of being so alone all the time. I'm not quite sure when this change happened, but what before was remembering the way he walked, the way he talked to me and feeling empty... What was once missing his touch and the way he looked directly into my eyes every time he spoke to me, all that was disappearing and all of that was left.  It no longer needed to be him, it could be anyone . I just missed someone. Anyone.”

They were silent again. Hoseok wasn't sincere or had a conversation like this with someone in years and, although it was a strange feeling, it was like lifting a weight he didn't know he was carrying.

“I think I have that something else you said.” Hoseok looked at him confused and curious. “With my best friend, I mean. Maybe he's the only person I love and feel connected to. Or felt.”

“So you're lucky. And so is him.”

“I don't think he's as lucky as I am. Not if you consider I left my hometown without explaining why. And I don't intend to go back.”

Hoseok raised an eyebrow. Thought about it for a moment.

“Yeah, you left him. But you say you feel connected with him, right? Then, he’ll understand and forgive you.”

“I'm not sure about that.”

“He calls you every day when you wake up and when you go to bed, Yoongi. It's obvious he understands and forgives you. And he misses you.”

“How do you know that?”

Hoseok laughs as he gets up and opens the door, heading out towards the kitchen.

“I saw his name on your cell phone screen a few times. Taehyung, right? I thought it was some ex boyfriend or something. Glad it's your best friend who misses you so much. It's more understandable.”

“So you have the habit of snooping around my things?” Yoongi was already going after Hoseok, his voice rising in a mocking tone.

“I just looked at it by mistake a few times.” The youngest smiled as he examined the fridge. Even without looking back he knew that Yoongi was smiling too. “You should answer him.”

“Why would I do that?”

“Because he calls you twice a day every day, probably since you came here. That's a lot. Guy really loves you and cares about you. I know you must have your reasons for walk away, but do you have reasons to ignore your best friend too?” He raised his eyebrows in question. “If he gets tired of calling at some point, he won't be the one giving up on you. And you’ll regret it, you know that.”

“You're pretty honest and irritating today, aren't you?”

“I'm trying to help you. Just that.”

“And you still feel that way?” Yoongi asked when they entered the living room and sat down on the couch.

“That way…?”

“Do you still miss having someone?”

“Sometimes. Yes, sometimes.” He felt a discomfort form in the back of his throat, but he couldn't help being honest once more.

“You don't need to feel that way anymore.” Yoongi approached his friend and, for the first time, looked at him trying to absorb all the details of his face.

The youngest had a straight pointy nose, that seems so smooth – and now that Yoongi realized this, he needed to control himself not to trace Hoseok's nose with the tip of his finger – his mouth was perfectly symmetrical, with both lips full and, the eldest noticed now, a small mole in the corner of his upper lip. He wanted to feel the texture of the youngest skin there, wanted to touch his lips and…

Yoongi looked away, trying to ignore his own thoughts. He’d never looked at Hoseok like that and didn't know why he was suddenly acting like this.

“You're not alone.” He said, looking his friend in the eye again. “You have me now.”

Hoseok smiled.

“This isn't true.”

“ Yes, it is. I am here. And I don't intend to leave anytime soon. I don't really intend to leave. At all.”

Hoseok stood up, a bit uncomfortable in continuing that conversation sitting beside his friend, while Yoongi clearly alternated his gaze between the youngest eyes and mouth.

“You're here for now.” Without saying anything more, Hoseok left towards his room.

Yoongi had a life in his old city. He had a father who loved him, friends who mattered and missed him. A better job, more decent opportunities for him. Hoseok would do everything in his power to make him want to come back.

'Cause he would be too selfish to want him to stay just because for the first time in 26 years Hoseok felt that, little by little, he was connecting with someone.

—

Yoongi closed his eyes and answered his cell phone.

“Yoon?” Taehyung’s voice sounded urgent, as if he didn't believe Yoongi had actually answered one of his calls.

“Hi.” he replied in a low tone. Only then he realized that he was holding his breath and that his hands were shaking.

“Fuck, I thought you would never answer me. I don't even know what to say.”

He opened his eyes and bit his lower lip. Alright, he’d taken Hoseok's advice, now what? What was he supposed to do?

Yoongi had left his town ‘cause he didn't know how to handle everything that was going on inside and outside him. He didn't know what to say to the people around him or how to act, he wasn't sure what was expected of him. And he still didn't know. Even Taehyung, his best friend who had always listened and supported him, seemed too far away now, almost a stranger.

“How are you?”

That question again. Yoongi hates that question.

“The same. How are you?”

Taehyung took a moment to answer, perhaps he was mentally cursing himself for asking such a stupid question.

“I miss you. Everyone does.”

“I know. Don't you think I don't.”

“Of course you do. I never thought otherwise.” He took a deep breath, it seemed like he was holding back his tears. “Your father doesn't believe me, he thinks I know where you are. So I decided to pretend I really knew, ‘cause I know that would make him feel better. And it’s hard. So fucking hard. You know that, right? It’s hard to lie to him, to say that I know where you are and that you’re okay, even though I have no fucking idea of any of those things.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Whatever.” He took a deep breath for a moment. “I haven't been calling you all this time to blame you or to fight. I just wanted to hear your voice and hear from you. I know that if your decision was to walk away without saying anything, then you probably have your reasons for not wanting to tell me. I just want to know if you're safe.”

“I am. Don't worry.” He bit his lip again, this time to hold back the tears. “I'm living with a friend.”

“Wich friend?”

He knew that Taehyung must be confused and angry. Maybe jealous. ‘Cause Yoongi never had many friends and none of them Taehyung didn't know.

“He's a new friend, you don't know him.”

“Well, if he's doing you good… then that's fine.”

“He’s so good for me.”

He couldn't help but smile. When he decided to leave, he didn't think he would meet someone who would become as important as Hoseok. It was something that took them both by surprise, and it was also the best thing that had happened in a long time.

“And what is he like?”

Sad. Sensitive. Genuine. The kind of person who seems to be too fragile to live in this world, but at the same time is so strong and authentic that he can live more hopefully and naturally than any of us. That's what Yoongi thought, but it seemed like something too artificial to talk about Hoseok. He knew he could be honest with Taehyung, he could speak whatever was on his mind. So that's what he did.

“Hoseok is… I don't know if there's a word to describe him, but he's the kind of person who feels a lot. He feels everything around him in the most pure and intense way possible. I’ve never met someone so honest and genuine like him.” Yoongi walked to the bedroom window and looked out where his friend was.

Lying on the floor, Hoseok was scribbling a notebook, his brow furrowed. He was probably struggling to write. His skin seemed to glow in the sunlight, his hair a little windblown and his blue shirt contrasting with the green of the grass. He was beautiful, Yoongi realized. Not that he'd never thought that, but until that moment he'd never looked at Hoseok with the attention he deserved. He was beautiful and seemed to light up that dark empty house. It was as if he illuminated everything around him but himself.

“He understands me, even when I don't understand what I'm feeling. He’s the kind of loyal person who will be true to you from the first moment, regardless of whether his words are sweet or cruel. But he’s never intentionally cruel. He’s constantly daydreaming, locked inside his own mind and living different lives, whether it’s awake or asleep.” He laughed, thinking of the times when Hoseok stops writing and just looks at the computer screen for a few moments, completely lost in his thoughts. Or when he sleeps for ten hours straight and wakes up frustrated, missing people and scenarios that doesn't exist outside his dreams. “It's like there's something inside him that's broken. Something that’s fundamental to him. It's disappointing that I don't know what it is.”

—

One day Yoongi opens the door and the house is silent except for the kitchen faucet dripping a drop every two seconds. He calls out his friend's name, but there are no answers. This has never happened before, so he feels his heart tighten, drop and then speed up.

A minute later he's before him, a frail, bruised Hoseok curled up on his bed. With puffy eyes and deep dark circles, with the smell of vomit and wet clothes, he doesn't even seem to notice the other's presence.

So Yoongi manages to drag him from the bedroom to the bathroom and put him into the bathtub. He strokes Hoseok's hair carefully, his eyes were tired, his gaze didn't focus on anything for more than a few seconds, his hair was tangled on his face and he'd never looked so small.  The eldest looked at him and could only think about how small and delicate Hoseok looked, as if he might break at any moment.

He gripped Yoongi's wrist tightly – his nails so bitten that dried blood contrasted with his slightly lighter-than-normal skin – and clicked his tongue. He was struggling to talk, his throat hurted and his chest felt heavy, it was humiliating to be in that situation. It was humiliating that Yoongi was seeing him that way.

“You can go to bed if you want.”

Yoongi laced their fingers together and sat down beside the bathtub, ignoring what the other said.

“You want help?”

“No.” His voice was scratched, it came out in an almost whisper. Yoongi realized that he was trying hard not to cry. “That's why you need to leave, Yoon.”

“What are you talking about?” He helped the youngest to wet his hair, even though he'd refused the offer of help.

“You need to go. You don't have to stay here dealing with my shit.”

“Hobi, I'm not going anywhere.” He took his face in both hands and forced Hoseok to face him. “I won't leave you alone.”

“You have a life, you have your family waiting for you. There are people who love you and care for you. And I…” He tries to hold back the tears that wanted to come out. “I have nothing. And it will always be like that.”

“This isn't true.”

“You know it is.”

“Hobi, look at me.” His tone is harsh, it hurts to hear Yoongi talk like that, ‘cause he was always so kind. “You have me. And I don't intend to leave. I'm not going away. I won't leave you behind.”

“You pity me.”

The eldest pulled back a little, Hoseok realizes he shouldn't have said that, ‘cause Yoongi actually looks offended. He sighs deeply and goes back to massaging the younger's hair with shampoo.

“I don't pity you, it's quite the opposite. I think you're one of the strongest people I've ever met. But it doesn't matter. We better not talk about it right now. You're not fine and nothing I say now will mean anything to you.”

Biting his lips, Hoseok nods. He closes his eyes and lets Yoongi finish cleaning him. He lets him scrub his skin with the sponge and massage his body, as if he could get everything bad out of him that way.

They don't talk about it. But, after that, Yoongi won't let him sleep alone anymore.

—

“It's been a long time.” Hoseok says, without looking up. His hands are shaking and his heart is pounding in his chest. It's annoying because it looks like he's a teenager again.

“I know. It's been a long time for me too.” Yoongi's fingertips reach his cheek, his touch is so tender that Hoseok hardly feels it. Yoongi is so kind, always so kind. “You don't need to be afraid.”

 “I'm not.” He whispers back, still not looking his friend in the eye.

Yoongi moves closer. The light is off, the dim lighting in the room comes from a crack in the window. It's so dark that Yoongi is no more than just a silhouette in front of Hoseok and he likes that. He likes how he can see him even without actually seeing him, he likes how he knows exactly what his skin looks like even though he's not seeing Yoongi clearly right now.

The eldest holds the youngest' shirt hesitantly, waiting for his confirmation. Hoseok nods and Yoongi doesn't hesitate again, pulls on his shirt and leans even closer.  Now they're so close they can see each other's faces more clearly. Yoongi smiles and holds Hoseok's waist gently, the youngest shivers.

Yoongi's hands travel over the other's body. He touches his chest and belly, down to his thighs. Hoseok's body is still tense and he thinks that his skin isn't as smooth as Yoongi would like, he knows that his skin is dry and covered with scars and sores that make it clear how his body hasn't been treated with anything but indifference and disgust for a long time. When Yoongi bends down and hesitates once more before pulling down Hoseok's underwear, the younger is once again taken by that feeling he's so familiar with. Pity. The feeling that this doesn't feel right, that it is suffocating. The thought of "why are you doing this? You don't need to do this".

 “Are you okay?” Yoongi approaches him again, their breaths mixing now. He caresses the younget's waist and Hoseok closes his eyes as he wonders if Yoongi realizes how much he's gained weight, how his body is a reflection of how much he doesn't care about himself.

“Ye-es.”

He closes his eyes and tenses his body once again. Yoongi takes a deep breath and Hoseok thinks that maybe this is how the night ends. Maybe tomorrow morning they'll have breakfast together and pretend that none of this happened, that they didn't cross that line, and that he didn't cowardly back down.

But what happens isn't that.

“You're so pretty.”

Hoseok sighs like a silly boy and it's not because of the meaning of the phrase, it's not for the compliment. It's because he can't even remember the last time someone said that to him, can't remember the last time someone touched him and looked at him so kindly. He doesn't remember the last time someone wanted him like this. So he finally opens his eyes and stares at Yoongi, the feeling of pity slowly slipping away.

And then, for the first time in years, Hoseok takes over control. He pulls Yoongi closer and glues their lips together. For a moment it doesn't even feel like a kiss, they're just standing there, the two of them surprised by what just happened. But in the next instant Hoseok is pulling Yoongi's hair gently as he deepens the kiss, unhurried but with a certain contained urgency.

Suddenly nothing matters anymore, 'cause it's like the two of them are so caught up in each other that nothing else exists. Hoseok usually felt that way when he was with Yoongi.

—

In the beginning, Yoongi fulfilled his promise. It took months without trying to get in touch with Hoseok, months without calling or looking for him. But he knew him, knew that Hoseok was the kind of person who needed reassurance constantly, and knowing that, Yoongi thought that maybe he needed to break his promise. Perhaps if he didn't, Hoseok would never seek contact out of him own free will, not because he didn't want to, but out of insecurity. So he called.

He called every day for a few weeks and every time he went unanswered. Hoseok didn't answer the calls and didn't return them either. Yoongi cut the frequency of calls until, after about three months, they didn't happen anymore.

A year passed and he thought he should try again, this time in a more subtle way. The idea that Hoseok might think he didn't care anymore 'cause he'd given up was something Yoongi couldn't stand. So instead of making one more call that would be ignored, he decided to send a text message.

I just want you to know that I didn't stop calling 'cause I gave up on you, but because I understood it wasn't what you wanted right now.  But I'm still here, hope you know that. I miss you and I love you. You know that.

His message was also unanswered. Taehyung and Yoongi's father didn't understand the situation very well – nor did Yoongi. He understood Hoseok and he also understood his own actions, but he didn't quite know what was going on and where they would lead. If they would get anywhere. But he wasn't unhappy or trapped in any illusions, so his father and Taehyung didn't talk much about it. Yoongi was living his life and that was what mattered after all.

He went to work every day and, dammit, how good was the time he spent in the classroom with the kids. He was light and happy like he hadn't felt in a long time. Coming home was no longer as harrowing as it once was, now he was always greeted by his father, who was waiting for him in the living room, sitting on the sofa with his glasses resting on the tip of his nose and his eyes a little tired. He would smile warmly whenever he looked at Yoongi and then he would know everything was fine. He was at home, he wasn't alone.

After eating with his father and talking while watching something on TV, he would fall into bed and no longer felt that suffocating loneliness. He no longer felt pain. All he felt was homesick, and while it wasn't a good feeling, Yoongi knew that missing Hoseok didn't mean weakness or anything negative. He missed him 'cause he loved Hoseok like he didn't love any of the other people in his life and wished he too could lay his head on the pillow at night without feeling that familiar pain. He just wanted Hoseok to close his eyes and be flooded with less painful feelings.

—

Hoseok looked at the computer screen once more.

Sorry to take so long to write again. If you thought it was because I had given up or forgotten, of course, you were wrong again. There isn't a day that I don't think about you – can I go more than an hour without thinking about you? I miss everything about us and I know I always will.

I'm writing this 'cause I think you need to understand once and for all: it's useless what's going through your mind, no matter how you feel about me and how you feel about us. None of this will change how I feel. And don't think you're hurting me, Hoba, 'cause that's not true. I don't feel anything bad when I think about you, even the longing I feel makes me think there's a good reason behind it.

I'm fine, I'm happy. I'm moving on, don't think I'm not. And that's what I want you to do too.  I don't want you with me because I need you or anything dramatic like that. I want you because I love you, that's all. And I'm not waiting for you and wasting my life – I know you and others might think that. Whatever, I know it's not about that. What I feel won't change and I don't care, I don't want it to change.

I know you love me too and I know you want this as much as I do. But I won't pressure you. When you want to talk to me, you know what to do.

It's the last time I'll send you anything, but know I'll still be writing and thinking. One day maybe you'll read all my letters… Who knows? I hope to hear from you, but I don't care how long it takes you. Do it in your time. But please try to understand that you deserve this. It's not about who deserves it or not, it's not about what's fair or not, but I still think you deserve to be loved and to live. Really live. And deep down you know it too.

You can be happy even in pain, Hoba. Do you believe me when I say that? Please? You can be happy feeling pain. And this pain decreases with time. You showed me this, without even knowing it. Let me show you too.

 The email was from five months ago, almost three years since Yoongi left. He left after they had sex for the first and only time, after a painful conversation in which Hoseok finally managed to convince him to go back home, in which he promised that he would go with him – only to give up later. After they went into the instrument store and steal a stupid CD, because Yoongi admitted he’d never done that before and Hoseok persuaded him to, because are you really living your life right if you never felt the rush of stealing something? And, in the end, that stolen CD was the only thing left of Yoongi in that empty house after his scent faded as the days passed. For three years. And Hoseok had read that email so many times that he’d memorized the words and could recite them if he wanted.

His hands shook as he typed the numbers he knew so well, that he’d typed in and given up calling so many times before. But now, even with the trembling and hesitation, he put his cell phone to his ear and heard the phone ring. Yoongi only answered on the second attempt.

“Hoba?” His voice cracked, came out in an almost whisper.

“Yoongi.” He closed his eyes and felt his throat hurt, he brought his hands to his hair and pulled hard. Suddenly he couldn't breathe right.

“Are you okay?”

Even far away Yoongi could see that something wasn't right. And even far away he was able to comfort Hoseok by just talking to him.

“Y-yes.” Taking a deep breath he opened his eyes and tried to control his trembling. “I'm sorry.”

“Are you sorry for what?”

“Everything.”

“No, you have no reason to apologize.” Silence. Hoseok could feel Yoongi smiling on the other end of the line, but he was probably worried too. “Why'd you call?”

He also didn't know exactly why he’d called now. After so long he had finally managed to do this, but he hadn't thought of what to say. He didn't know what he wanted out of this, only that he desperately needed to hear Yoongi's voice. And now Hoseok was flooded with an emptiness in his chest, an agonizing emptiness. But it was a different kind of anguish, not the loneliness he was so well used to. It was an almost pleasurable anguish. Anguish of longing and the certainty that he loved that man.

“I just wanted to ask a question.” As Yoongi remained silent, he continued. “Is your proposal still valid? Do you still have space for me in your life?” Yoongi continued in silence and Hoseok knew that his voice was higher than usual due to the crying that he wasn't managing to hold back really well. “Do you think Taehyung and your father would mind sharing you with me?”

Yoongi laughed and it looked like he was crying over there too.

“No, they won't share anyone. You won't share anyone either. I'm all yours.”

Sometimes happiness is more difficult to achieve than much more complex desires.  Sometimes being happy is a goal that a person will live without being able to reach.

It's hard to feel happiness when all your feelings, even the good ones, make your mouth turn sour and your whole body ache.  

But perhaps trying again is the best way.

And that's what Hoseok would do. He would try again.

“I missed you.” He admitted softly.

“I know.” Yoongi sighs loudly and seems to smile once more. Hoseok would do anything to see him right now. “So when can I pick you up?”