Chapter Text
He thought he might’ve reacted a different way. Maybe he’d have smashed a few glasses, torn down some furniture, shouted profanities at the walls like they’d respond to him. Or maybe he’d have withdrawn into himself again. Allowed the waves to wash over him again and again, allowed them to drown him.
He thought that maybe at least he’d be able to comfort Lola or Jay. Maybe accept that this is life right now and just start to think of the future and how he can help.
But there was nothing.
No anger. No sadness. Just numbness. And that was somehow worse. It made him feel like he was broken. Why wasn’t he feeling anything? His perfect little world just tumbled down around him and he felt nothing.
It was like someone had switched him off.
He didn’t really say much. He asked the occasional question and said what he thought sounded right but after that, nothing.
He sure as hell didn’t cry. He couldn’t do that. Whether it was a case of him needing to stay strong for Lola or just that he couldn’t in the moment, he doesn’t know. But the second he was alone, he broke down. He was at work, just finishing up with a customer, barely listening to the story he was being told, just focusing on tightening the bolt of the alloy of the wheel.
“-bless her, she just lost her mum and now she has to move school. I don’t mean to dump this on you, I mean, I’m just the customer, but I ain’t got no one else to tell.”
This revelation had Ben’s concentration falter and the wrench slip from his hand, slamming into the floor. The loud bang was enough to have the customer’s soul leave their body but Ben heard nothing. He didn’t hear the reverberations of the sound against the walls, didn’t feel the vibrations through the floor. He just shut down.
Lexi was gonna lose her mum.
Jay was gonna lose his soulmate.
Billy was gonna lose his granddaughter.
He was gonna lose his friend.
A tentative tap on his shoulder had Ben snapping back into the present. He saw no wrench in his hands and looked around to see where it went. He looked up and saw the customer's extended hand and an awkward smile on his face. He kept his arm stretched out for an uncomfortable amount of time.
“Er, sorry mate, got distracted.”, Ben looked at the arm with confusing and annoyance, “you can take your arm back now.”
The customer finally seemed to realise his arm was about to detach from his body and reeled it back in, “Oh! Sorry! You just scared me is all.”
The rest of the day was relatively normal. The customer paid and left and Ben tried to get some paperwork done. Emphasis on tried. He couldn’t help but let his mind wander back to what the guy said. It somehow made everything so real, like its only just hit what’s happening to Lola, all because of the nervous ramblings of a customer. It made him realise that he had once again bottled everything up.
He knew he did this, and he knew it’s a bad habit. He does it for basically everything that requires emotion he couldn’t help it; he didn’t want to face his demons. He was only human and he doesn’t think anyone could survive the number of demons he has. Sometimes he bottles it all up in favour of helping everyone else, in favour of putting his family first, he can wait till later. But later never comes.
Yes, this is self-destructive. Yes, it makes everything worse. He knows this. Its what Callum had tried to get him out of doing, and he was nearly successful. But now that he’s gone, there’s no one there’s to pull him to the surface, to stop the waves from drowning him.
Until he was there.
Ben had long since given up trying to do work and resorted to pacing the room. The walls had started to close in on him and the air was being stolen from all around. He backed up into a corner and put his face in his hands, trying to apply enough pressure that he’d be sure to wake up from this nightmare. He hadn’t realised that he had started to slide down the wall, but he didn’t reach the floor.
Out of nowhere, he felt familiar hands on the side of his arms, keeping him stood up. His head was placed against a warm chest, where this time, he did feel vibrations. Vibrations of someone talking, trying to soothe him out of the foetal position he’d been putting himself in.
Soon enough, he began to make sense of the vibrations he was hearing.
“-you’re okay, I got you. Shhh, I’m here. It’s alright, we’ll figure it out.”
He knew that voice anywhere. It was the same voice that had comforted him after a nightmare, and the same voice that calmed him when he was a ticking time bomb.
He slowly removed the hands from his face and repositioned himself more upright. This meant moving his head from the chest and opening his eyes, to which he was blinded by an intense light. He must’ve been that way from a while if the daylight hurt this much to look at. He looked up and literally saw a knight in shining armour.
Callum.
Callum gave a small smile and rubbed his hands up and down his arms, “there we go, you alright?”
Ben gave a humourless laugh and felt tears prickling his eyes. Callum caught onto this and manoeuvred Ben to the desk chair. Once he was sat down, Callum knelt by his feet, keeping his hands on Ben’s knees.
“what’s happened?”
“This wasn’t supposed to happen. I thought that everything was finally going to be okay. I was stupid enough to think that after all the shit that’s happened the last couple years. Thought we fucking deserved a break from life. But no, it strikes again.”
“Ben, you’re kinda scaring me now. What’s happened?”
Ben looked deep into Callum eyes, seeing his desperation to help. But even Halfway couldn’t solve this problem. He looked into his kind eyes knowing that he was about to crash his world.
“Lola’s got cancer, Cal. They found a tumour.”
He watched as the kindness slowly left Callum eyes, replaced with a mixture of confusion and sadness. He sat there for a minute, taking in the revelation. He tore his eyes away but kept his hands on Ben’s knees. He needed a moment to process it all.
Just as Ben thought Callum was going to get up and make a break for it, he looked back into his eyes with a newfound determination.
“Okay.”
“That’s it? Just okay?”
“I said okay. We’ll get through this together. I ain’t gonna leave you all to do this alone. You’re all still my family. So, if you needed help with Lexi, or money, or needed someone to go to chemo with Lola, then I’m here. I’ve dealt with this with Stuart and I can do it again.”
Ben stared at Callum, dumbfounded by his response. He felt a familiar buzz grow in his chest. One that he misses and only comes out when Callum is around. I makes him believe that maybe there’s a chance they’ll all be okay; maybe Lola will get through this with no problems, maybe him and Callum can work things out.
But for now, it’s just okay.