Chapter Text
This feeling had become an old friend to him over time.
The same sequence happening over and over again in his dreams through many nights over the past five years without fail. Particularly on nights like this, when the moon is bright above the sky.
Sasuke runs a shaky palm across his forehead, digging his fingers into his ink-colored hair trying to regulate his breathing. His eyes were shut tight. Breathe. Calm down. Steady breaths.
A moment passes, the crickets are still singing in the cold night of a melody no one knows of. His soft pants filled the room with the warm fabric of the futon over the solid tatami mats giving him an anchor to focus on. He could still smell the agarwood incense from the incense burner lingering in the air.
The past was such a haunting thing.
That damned cliff flashed before his eyes. The fall. The last glimpse of blue.
Those last words.
He knew he wouldn't be sleeping for the rest of the night.
***
"Greetings my fellow council members. I am sure you all are aware of the agenda for today's summoning," said the Raikage from the land of Lightning, his voice booming across the room as if demanding all ears to heed his words.
With his impressive musculature and height, you could almost see tops of his thighs being indented by the low table as he sat on his calves like everyone else, with his large hands donned in thick golden gauntlets lay on the table.
Sasuke watches the meeting with a sharp eye and ear as always, standing guard as per his duty as the sect heir of the Uchiha clan. The meeting between the elders of the five lands was an important event that meant the best of their clans would escort the Kage to the summit where the summoning will be held. These years, Sasuke had been the one to attend as guard as a representative of the strongest clan the Hidden Leaf village from the land of Fire had to offer.
However, he disliked these meetings greatly.
The Hokage from the Land of Fire, Hatake Kakashi, speaks with crescent shaped eyes indicating his polite smile under his half mask, "Yes, I believe we all are aware Lord Raikage."
The impending war statement looming over them like a noose awaiting its victim.
"The Otsusuki is getting bolder with their numbers rising exponentially. They could start a war at any time of their choosing with how much territory they own," the Tsuchikage from the land of Stone exclaims angrily, stroking his beard. His son seemed worried as he stood guard, not too far from Sasuke's right.
"Unless one of us where to provoke them of course," the Mizukage from the land of Mist drawls, her painted nails tapping the rim of her sake cup.
The young Kazekage from the land of Sand merely stares blankly, his kohl lined eyes contemplating, "I don't think it would be much time before they do attack without us giving them a reason to. They already dislike the independency between the nations."
"And the Land of Momiji is the largest area compared to our own lands! The land of Fire coming second," the old lord Tsuchikage harrumphs with a look of annoyance on his wrinkled face. Hatake's face betrays no emotion, but a placating smile ever present.
"But we're forgetting that they have demanded that all nations must send away the first-born sons and daughters of the major sects in each land to attend the indoctrination ceremony and study in their sect for the summer season!" the Raikage boomed, his fist hit the top of the lable with a loud 'thunk' causing the cups to rattle.
This makes the Kages twitch restlessly in their seats in agitation of the news. Sasuke stiffens.
As the new sect heir, he would have to attend those lessons as well. He would have to go to the indoctrination ceremony and spend an entire summer season in that wretched place crawling with the perpetrators that threaten the peace of their lands.
The thought makes bile rise to his throat.
Kakashi says nothing as the Mizukage drawls, "Yes, not to mention that ridiculous little showdown they're planning to hold by the midsummer to flaunt their 'superiority'. A desperate stunt really."
"I agree," the Kazekage says, "it will also be a time of testing. There is no question that they won't try to cause more chaos."
The Raikage grunts, his cousin, Killer Bee, merely picking his ears as he stares at the tatami absently behind him. "Probably worse than those damn Akatsuki and the Kyuubi no Kitsune."
A palpable silence then follows with the sound of something cracking loudly. Startled the Kages turn to see Sasuke abruptly leaving the room with a dent on the wall left steaming slightly.
Kakashi gives an apologetic look, "I believe he's been a little under the weather as of late. His recent mission took quite a toll on him and his mental health. Please excuse him."
The Kazekage mercifully intervenes with a change in subject, "No need Hokage-sama. It is understandable. Afterall, these conditions set by the Otsusuki are not very favourable to any of us."
"But what on earth are we to do about it?!" the Raikage shouts, slamming his fist on the table once more.
A silence follows. This time it's the Mizukage who answers, "I propose we do as they say and observe for now. There isn't much we can do and there would be no fruit borne from hasty actions; we have an entire future to consider."
"And what of their plans?"
"That can be dealt with quite easily," the Hokage replies with a confident look. No one questions this – after all, the Hidden Leaf's Anbu were a force of their own.
Sasuke stood unmoving outside the meeting room; fist clenched tightly enough to form bruising crescent shapes into his palms. He took deep steadying breaths, willing his mind to calm itself and tune out the pointless chatters that threatened his sanity.
As he closed his eyes he could almost smell the warm citrus that he had been so used to. The warm teasing laughter that sang in his ears and the tinkle of the little gold bell with a bright red tassel that dangled from an ear as he moved with nimble feet.
He could see that beautiful blue that he missed so badly that it ached.
It was like a wound he could not touch nor see, an ache that he could not cure. It ran along his veins and scorched his chest that felt so cold it burned inside the void left by that beautiful creature that left him to carry on in this world with nothing but his nursed wounds to remember him by.
The pain was so great that he could feel his head throb with a hot sticky feeling spreading behind his eyes and throat.
The fall.
That damn fall.
Why did he have to fall? Why did he leave him? Why was the world so unforgiving?
Did all that mean nothing? To have so little, but when asked for more it was all stripped away from me like water seeping from my fingers – I could not hold on to you.
He knew coming to the summit was a bad idea.
Kami could be so cruel sometimes; Sasuke knew this better than anyone.
He went outside the manor to the garden where a koi fish bond sat with well-trimmed shrubs artfully surrounding it. He opts to stare at the water until the remainder of the meeting ends.
"I thought you might be here."
Huffing a breath from his nose, he turns to see the Nara walking towards him, his forest green kataginu covering his lighter green kimono tucked into his hakama that fluttered slightly with his movements as he approached Sasuke with a bored look. His hands were tucked behind his head as he regards him with his phoenix shaped eyes curiously, "You seem tense Uchiha-san."
"Why formal when we've known each other since childhood?"
"Ah, but to the world there must always be a mask kept for us to wear for the sake of peace. Old friend," he says wisely, his last words teasing as he simply directs his gaze towards the clouds. Sasuke keeps his gaze on the pond, staring at its reflective surface.
Two koi fish appeared, one in black with specks of white and the other a beautiful orange with specks of red and gold. They seem to be observing each other at distance.
"How long has it been?" Nara Shikamaru says quietly. The wind picks up a little, brushing their hair gently.
Five years.
"Too long," Sasuke replies, maintaining his gaze on the two koi fish who were now moving closer to each other getting used to their presence. The gold one seemed particularly energetic as it swam giddily around the black one who responded with gentle twitches of its own head.
The Nara sect heir looks at him carefully, "Am I right to assume that you have not moved on yet?"
"Yes."
He lets out a deep sigh, "You can't be serious. It has been more than five years Uchiha-san, he made his choice and you made yours."
Yes, I made the wrong one. I lived.
"I suppose that is why I suffer while you do not. I have regrets with those choices that you don't," he says passively, his hand tightening on the handle of his katana. The Nara softens slightly, "We all have regrets in the choices we make. He was my friend too."
He was more to me, he thinks but it was left unsaid.
Sasuke refused to forgive himself. He refused to move on. He refused to forget.
The memories were all he had.
He could remember that warm boisterous laugh that sung in his ears during the day and night.
He could remember that tinkling bell earing with the red tassel that danced with the rhythm of a body filled with energy.
He could remember that beautiful blue that would stare at him in false envy and pure joy as they shone. The golden crown that glowed in the morning light.
But he also could remember that gold crown having flecks of bright red. That beautiful blue turned dull and lifeless filled with the weight of the world's hatred. He remembered the laughter turning into wailing sobs.
He remembered the broken laughter and the smell of blood and tears. Those final words.
He could only remember now.
How could he forget?
It was all he had.
The Nara now directs his gaze at the Koi fish, "Ah, look at them. They seem to really like each other, don't they?"
Sasuke flits his gaze at the ponytail haired man before resuming his stare at the pond. Indeed, the two koi fish have now become well acquainted, swirling around each other almost as if in a dance. Tails and whiskers brushing and swimming happily.
"The darker fellow seems to be a quiet sort of animal while the other seems to be very friendly and energetic. They're almost like yin and yang."
He continues to stay silent as he observes the fish. The pretty creatures now intertwined with the other.
"They seem...happy," Sasuke says unsurely, "are they...?"
"They're males Uchiha-san." Amusement dripped from his tone.
That brings an awkward silence between them. "I see."
The Nara laughed loudly.
An hour later they reached to the inns near the summit mansion, each tailored for the Kages individual comfort before the travel back to their respective nations. The two guards and their Hokage settled to theirs nicely. As he entered the room the two young men bowed, ready to leave before the lord called out, "Sasuke, stay. You may leave, Nara-san."
The said man took a quick glance at the other, mind no doubt churning with a thousand thoughts before bowing once more respectfully and leaving without another word. Sasuke merely stood impassively, watching the man as he took off his Hokage cloak and hat and sat down at the low table, pulling a cup of water. He looked up at the boy and smiled.
"What are you standing for? Come sit here, it has been awhile since I have spoken to you, my boy."
True. Since the passing of his parents, the silver haired man had taken over the role as his guardian. He tended to them all their lives' matters and made sure they were well taught and trained; Sasuke had become a son to him through and through albeit the boy never admitted it.
Kakashi knew the last few years have been very hard for him; he had found him surrounded by corpses and dirt with blood dripping from hideous deep gashes on his right arm and a flood of tears streaking through his dust splattered cheek. He had never seen him so haunted.
After months of seclusion and manic episodes Kakashi and Itachi, Sasuke's older brother, managed to get him out of his room more often and engage with the outside world he refused to go back to. Sadly, the older knew exactly how the boy felt. The burden of having to live while a piece of you was ripped away.
Fate could be unforgiving.
Stiff as ever, Sasuke walked over to the table and sat down on his calves poised and spine straight. Kakashi could almost laugh if it werent for the touchy subject he was about broach.
"How are you feeling now?" he asks softly, eyes scrutinizing him.
Sasuke averts his eyes to the bronze incense burner that sat on the table, "I am fine."
"Are you though? I know it usually takes a lot for you to lose your temper like that." Along with the faint prominence of the bags under his eyes indicating he had not been as well as he pretended to.
A heavy silence follows, Sasuke still pointedly avoided his gaze. This makes Kakashi sigh heavily, the exhaustion and age finally catching up to him for the day.
"It's ok you know. To feel regret," he tells him instead. This makes Sasuke look at him, brows wrinkled in distaste.
"Did Shikamaru tell you?"
Kakashi smiles, "He does not have to tell me what I already know. And I know my son."
Something akin to guilt weighs in his stomach as he takes in the tired state of his guardian who had been a patient father to him when his own had died. He then realizes they had indeed not spent enough time with each other.
Trying to amend this fact he tries, "I take it that Itachi will be wedded in the coming season?"
This brings a light to Kakashi's eyes, "During spring, yes. Should this whole indoctrination matter come to an end and the Otsusuki decide to leave us at peace."
The thought leaves a bitter taste in their mouths. The Otsusuki clan from the land of Momiji was quite the despicable clan, perfect to the outside eye but rotten within their core. They had many smaller clans under their foot already.
"I'm assuming that I must go too?" Sasuke asks in a sour tone. Kakashi seemed to share the sentiment.
"I'm afraid as the next sect heir, it will be mandatory seeing the Uchiha clan is among the list of high-ranking clans that must attend. Itachi would not be able to go seeing he is courting Lady Izumi and is clan leader. I'm sorry Sasuke."
Sasuke says nothing but glares at the dark wooden table as if it were the cause of his misery. Kakashi meanwhile entertained the thought of burning down the expensive upholstery as compensation for the injustice the world had placed upon them.
"Who else will be going?"
"Well," Kakashi begins with a finger placed in his chin thoughtfully, "amongst others there will be the Hyuga sect, the Yamanaka sect, Nara, Haruno, Inuzuka, Akimichi and Iron sect. Their heirs and head disciples will be attending, I will need you to help me prepare the list of names in the future once we return home."
"Mn."
"Would you like some sake?"
"Did you not already have some in the meeting? I don't want any."
"Shame, you can never have too much."
"You are starting to sound like the Fifth Lady."
Kakashi scoffs at this, "She was far worse than I and your brother's old mentor can attest to that."
True, Shizune who had been the Fifth Lady's right hand woman and lady in waiting had received a fair share of trouble with her mistress's eccentric habits in drinking and gambling. Sasuke remembered the defeated look on her face whenever she arrived at the compound for his brother's lessons.
Who knew?
"Thank you," Sasuke says without a beat. The moment feeling too precious to miss.
This makes Kakashi blink in surprise, "For what?"
"For being there for me. Even when I had been...difficult."
Kakashi stares at him long and hard making Sasuke almost squirm in his seat. It made him want to walk out of the room and never return as he felt the embarrassment heating the tips of his ears. This makes Kakashi smile in amusement.
"You're welcome Sasuke, you don't have to thank me at all." He reaches out to ruffle the shoulder length hair which made the young man scrunch up his face in disgust and evade the hand. He received a light chuckle from the grey haired man.
Old man.
Sasuke then stands with a short bow, "If that's all Hokage sama, I shall take my leave."
The elder smiles softly, "You may."
With a nod Sasuke leaves the room with a small smile on his face. As he reaches the door Kakashi speaks once more, "You're a good man, Sasuke. Don't doubt that."
This makes a bittersweet feeling twist inside of him making him pause momentarily.
I'm not a good person.
He opts to send a wry smile. "Thank you."
But I'm not a very bad person either I suppose.
The sky glowed of orange and purple later that sunset.