Chapter Text
*Record scratch*
*Freeze frame*
Well, there was no other way to put it. Halbrand was busted.
He had been so close, so deliciously close to having it all. But Galadriel figured out he had lied about his identity through tried and true genealogy research. It just had to be genealogy research that was his downfall, didn't it?
Halbrand swears under his breath.
Had he truly lied though? Sure he left out some critical information (like he was Sauron). And yeah, he wasn’t exactly forthcoming about the evil he had committed (mass murder, torture, razing towns and cities to the ground) but Galadriel was rolling full steam ahead, determined to make him a king. Honestly, he is a simple being: he is trying to bring order to this chaotic, sloppy-ass earth.
Halbrand runs a hand through his hair.
He prefers the name Halbrand because Galadriel likes it. She is always coyly saying Halllbrannnd in her Quenya or Sindarian accent (it’s all elven to him). He will keep it because of positive associations she has with the name - he had read all about it in the psychology section of the library in Numenor which was very impressive considering it was built by humans.
Now Galadriel looks absolutely furious, temple pulsing in her forehead and a fire blazing in her eyes. She is quaking all over! By the light of Eru, she is a mess, a beautiful hot mess. He would sure like to sort her out. It really is quite adorable; the angrier she gets, the more she reminds Halbrand of some small mammal with huge eyes trying to paw at him, all the while thinking it is very ferocious.
Galadriel’s reputation does precede her - she is a brutal brilliant fighter with a sharp mind. She is thousands of years old and has quite literally seen it all.
Whatever.
He’s got this under control.
She charges at him with her brother’s dagger (shit, why did it have to be her brother he sent the werewolf after) and he effortlessly grabs her wrist. Galadriel’s eyes fill with horror and betrayal that he is not Nice Guy human Halbrand but Big Bad Daddy Sauron.
Halbrand swallows hard. Now he is imagining her bouncing on his lap, on his cock, calling him Big Dad Daddy Sauron. He pictures that long blonde hair of hers cascading over her breasts as he palms her ass -
He needs to focus. Focus.
Maybe he should create an illusion where he is Finrod? Nah, she will just be reminded that he killed her brother. Eru, how many times does he need to remind himself to stop bringing up her damn brother.
Maybe he should whisk them both away to the raft on the ocean? Halbrand licks his lips. Even though that experience was less than ideal, he enjoyed how spicy her attitude was and the way her pajamas clung to her body.
It feels fun to be the Morgoth to her Sauron.
Wait -
What?
How does that even make sense?
Either way, it makes sense in his head. It feels damn good to be the one in charge for once.
Halbrand tosses the dagger into the river and throws Galadriel over his shoulder, kicking and screaming. She is feral, trying to bite and kick and grab at his face. He can think of a few ways to exhaust her.
Galadriel manages to headbutt him like the wildcat that she is and Halbrand covers her mouth with one enormous hand. Damn, this is really doing it for him. Might as well have a volatile relationship instead of a boring one
But then Elrond comes jogging down the pathway. He definitely looks like he is about to lose it.
“Gaaaaalaaaaadriel! Naauurrr!” He screams, sprinting towards Halbrand. Halbrand side steps the elf, but not before he thrusts out a leg and trips Elrond. The poor half elf lands face first in the dirt. Gil GaDaddy won’t like that. Halbrand has to admit there is something deeply satisfying about tripping one of Middle Earth’s most elegant creatures and watching them eat shit.
Oh gods, he needs to work on his elf prejudice if he is spending the rest of his immortal life with Galadriel.
Halbrand keeps booking it even if he doesn’t have the sexy rings Celebrimbor made.
He’s headed to Mordor with his bride.
It looks like he can have it all.