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Yancy woke up to blue, and he smiled.
It was one of them smiles from the chest, such deep contentment filling him up until it couldn't help but come out. Like when he was small, watching the sunrise on the shore, digging his toes in the sand and listening to his real papa belt out Sinatra, as the early morning colors faded into that bright day sky. A moment where everything felt right.
Yancy breathed easy, so as not to disturb the quiet of it. Not to disturb Eth, pillowed on his chest, letting out soft little snores. Yancy took in the radiance of his hair, his skin, in the soft glow of the morning light. Felt the solid warmth of Eth draped over him, as if that weight belonged there. Yancy let himself be wrapped in the rightness of it, for a little while, before Eth stirred.
Eth’s breath hitched, and he squirmed a bit, body going taut as he stretched. When he rested his hand back on Yancy’s chest, he rubbed gently back and forth a few times, before pushing, propping himself up to look at Yancy, the over-large shirt Eth had borrowed slipping down his shoulder a little. Eth’s eyes were still hazy and blinking away sleep, blue locks of hair in directionless disarray, lips curving in a tired half-smile as he saw Yancy.
Ethan looked better than Yancy could have ever imagined, in the morning.
“Mornin’, blue.”
“Good morning.” Eth breathed, leaning down to give Yancy a sweet, slow kiss. Yancy hummed his contentment into it.
As Eth pulled away, Yancy asked, “Youse gotta go?"
Eth's brow scrunched a bit in confusion. "No? I mean, I can if you want me to."
"No, no! I want youse to stay, just," Yancy shrugged a shoulder, "folks usually gotta go. In the mornin'."
Eth put a pin in that, the fact that Yancy’s first thought on Eth waking up was that he was about to leave, but decided not to press for now. Instead, he ran light fingers over Yancy's chest, feeling over his bare skin, soothing. "Well, in the morning, I generally drink coffee and eat breakfast. And I'd like to do that with you, today, if you don't have other plans."
Yancy chuckled, "No, blue, no other plans. Let me up an' I'll get the coffee goin'."
Eth hummed, "In a minute." And leaned back down for another kiss.
Yancy wouldn't ever get tired of kissing Eth. Even a chaste, lazy morning kiss felt like sun on his skin, warm and bright. The taste of Eth sweet on his lips, like spun sugar. A treat, a treasure that Yancy can't believe Eth's just giving him, like Yancy deserves such nice things.
Eventually, Eth breaks away with a grin and rolls off him. "Now you may make me coffee, bear."
"Oh can I? Youse gonna let me?" Yancy jokes back.
"Yes, and you may come get me when it's ready." Eth says, sighing as he stretches out dramatically over the bed.
"Oh, ok, whatever youse say, little prince." Yancy laughs and presses a kiss to his temple, before getting up.
He’s set the coffee to brew and just about finished cutting ingredients for omelets, when Eth meanders into his kitchen, a pale shoulder peeking out of Yancy’s large Zeppelin shirt, which hangs down almost to the point of covering Eth’s maroon boxer briefs. And Yancy tries, he really tries not to stare, but with them long, slender legs out, there’s nothing for it. Even disheveled - especially disheveled - Eth’s the prettiest thing on god’s green earth.
Yancy chuckles. “Youse actually fall back asleep?”
Eth gives a sheepish smile as he puts his arms around Yancy’s waist, peeking over his shoulder to see what he’s doing. “Maybe a little. Sorry, I did actually mean to come help. Anything I can do?”
“No, I got it. I wanna make youse breakfast, blue. Youse can go back to bed, if youse want, I ain’t got no problem servin’ it to youse.”
“Aw, thanks.” Eth presses a kiss to his shoulder. “But I want to stay out here with you.”
“Alright, coffee’s almost done.” Yancy says, turning to start pouring the eggs in the pan.
As Yancy’s making the first omelet, Eth pours the coffee. He leaves Yancy's black, but adds some sugar and cream to his own before he takes a seat at the counter. There's comfortable silence for a bit, as Yancy cooks and Eth sips his coffee, but then Yancy hears Eth muttering behind him, can barely make it out over the crackling pan.
“G - gan - kin - ee. No, gee - an - kin - ee. Giankiny. No, wait -” Yancy smiles to himself, just letting Eth try to figure it out for a few more seconds, until, “Yancy, I’m sorry, I promise I wasn’t snooping, this was just here in front of me, but, is this your name?”
Yancy turns and Eth’s holding up one of his bills he’d left lying on the counter. Yancy smirks. “Yep, sure is.”
“I didn’t know Yancy was a nickname. How do you say it?” Eth asks, flipping the envelope around to inspect it again.
“Gee-an-see-nee.” Yancy says carefully, leaning on the counter with the hand not holding a spatula.
“Gee-an-see-nee.” Eth stutters out.
"Ok, now fast.”
“Giancini.” Eth says, near perfect, and god does that do something to Yancy’s heart. “Giancini Cavallo." Eth grins, pleased with himself. "Aw, I really like that, Yance."
Yancy’s heart is skipping whole beats, tripping over itself, at the sound of Eth’s voice around his name, bright eyes shining up at him. Yancy wants Eth to say it again, and again, but instead he just smiles, and gets back to cooking before they have to order in.
“Youse got it, Eth. My bio dad chose it, wanted to name me after my grandpa, Giacomo.” Yancy didn’t really know why he brought up his dad, but, honestly, Eth and him had been talking so long, he was surprised it hadn't come up before.
“Well you can tell him I love it.”
Yancy winced, turning back to Eth for a moment, “Can’t. He passed when I was seven.”
Eth’s face fell. “Oh, Yancy, I’m -”
“No, I know. It's ok." Yancy waved a hand, "It was a long time ago, I’ve dealt with it.” He gave a soft smile before turning back to plate the omelets and bring them over.
“Still.” Eth said gently, as Yancy sat down. “That’s something that stays with you.” Eth leaned his forehead against Yancy’s shoulder, rubbed his back, and it soothed an ache Yancy didn't realize he had in him. “You wanna tell me about him?”
Yancy hummed thoughtfully. Not normally something he brought up with dates, but, well, Eth wasn't a normal date. It just, feels natural, to tell Eth. “Well, uh, his name was Lucian. He was - he was the best dad. An’ I know a lotta people say that, but I mean it, really. He was funny, coulda put anyone in stitches, kind, gentle… used to read to me, every night, 'til I fell asleep.”
Yancy smiled to himself. Yancy told Eth about him, as they ate. Dad teaching him to read. Dad taking him to get Nathan's hot dogs at Coney Island. Dad singing while he cooked, teaching Yancy his secret ingredients. The good parts, not… the end. God, it’d been years since he talked about his old man like this. Sometimes, with family, but it was usually brief, and someone else's memory. It was nice, to share these moments with someone. With Ethan.
Ethan, who was hanging on Yancy's every word, bless him. Laughing at the right moments, asking questions about his pa, to hear more. It gets Yancy so caught up in the stories, he doesn't realize how long he's been talking until they're cleaning up, and he's getting ready to wash the dishes.
"Sorry, feel like I've talked youses ear off. Thanks for listenin'." Yancy leans down to press a kiss to Eth's hair.
Eth hums, stepping behind Yancy, resting his head between his shoulders. "Any time, bear, I'm happy to listen, thank you for telling me about him." Eth runs his hands up and down Yancy's sides, like he just wants to feel him, be close to him, for a bit. "He sounds like a good man, I can tell you get your good qualities from him. He raised a great man.”
And I get my bad ones from ma, Yancy doesn’t say. He tries to swallow down the knot in his throat, tries for joking as he says instead, “Youse forget already I’m an ex-felon?”
“Doesn’t mean you don’t have a big heart, Yance.” Eth squeezes his waist lightly, presses a kiss to his skin, and any argument Yancy coulda come up with flies right outta his head, against that. “And you do.”
Yancy huffs a chuckle. “If youse say so, Eth.”
“That’s right. And you’ll just have to take my word on that.” And even though Yancy can’t see his face, he can hear Eth’s smile.
Yancy decides not to worry whether Eth’s right about him. Finds it easier to quiet the nagging voices of his self-doubts, when he’s with Eth. Just lets himself feel the warm, tingling wakes of Eth’s hands on his skin, Eth’s soft breaths on his back, and be happy, for the first time in a long while.
Yancy thinks to himself that his old man woulda loved Ethan.
***
Things with Eth have been hard.
Well, no, not most of it. Most of it is easy, easier than Yancy's had it in years. Most of it is Eth's laugh, his bright smiles, the shine of those seaglass eyes. Most of it is the warmth of Eth beside him at night, and Eth bringing him coffee in the morning. The last time anyone outside of family made Yancy coffee, he was in prison. So yeah, Eth eases things in Yancy's life, things he never even thought could be eased.
But it ain’t been easy, seeing Eth, laying next to him, and Yancy holding himself back from touching, tasting, taking. Especially in the mornings, when more often than not, now, Yancy’s gotta carefully get outta Eth’s arms, take care of his morning problem discreetly. Pretend not to notice when Eth does the same. And, yeah, it was Yancy’s choice to take things slow, and it’s been nice, to not have all the pressure and anxiety of sex. But, Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, if it ain’t been hard to restrain himself around Ethan.
He can tell Eth’s getting antsy for it, too. In the heat of his kisses, the way he moans around Yancy’s tongue, pulls his lip between his teeth, begging for more. In the roaming of his hands at night, when they’re wrapped around each other, over every innocent part of Yancy’s skin he can find, carefully above the belt, but flaring that deep, aching want in Yancy’s gut, regardless.
Just like that first night, all them weeks ago, Yancy’s resolve breaks eventually.
It’s a nothing Saturday night, nothing special, just one of many Eth’s stayed over. But Yancy's been thinking about him all day. The way he'd sound when Yancy got his hands on him, teasing fingers over his inner thighs, his hips, until Eth's begging him to just touch him. The way he'd look, splayed out and twisting in Yancy's sheets, porcelain skin painted with that pretty pink flush of need, eyes screwed shut and soft lips open in a gasp as Yancy descends on him. The way he'd feel inside, warm and tight and perfect around Yancy and, christ almighty, he’s willing away the start of a hard on, again.
And then Eth's suddenly there, straddling Yancy where he’s sat up against the headboard, hands steadying on Yancy’s chest as he gives him a small kiss, before sitting back into Yancy’s lap. Eth's lips curve in a half smile Yancy would think was soft, if not for the gleam in the teal of his eyes.
"Whatcha thinkin' about, bear?" Eth squirms a bit, seeming to get comfortable, but there's no way he don't feel the hardness under him through Yancy's sleeping pants.
And that's about all Yancy can take. Eth's in his lap, looking all pretty in Yancy's shirt again, because he prefers to borrow Yancy's clothes rather than bring his own. The shirt hangs off that lithe frame in all the right ways, revealing his collar bone, a creamy shoulder, skin Yancy wants to taste. And Eth's shifting teasingly over his cock, and looking at him with those deep, hazel eyes, and Yancy's outta reasons not to have Ethan.
Yancy fists Eth's hair, drags him back down for a kiss, and grinds his hips up against him, rumbling into his mouth, "Youse got five seconds to get off me, blue, if youse don't want me to fuck ya."
Eth just kisses him back hard, lets out a needy sound as Yancy grinds up into him again, and gasps out, "God, yes, fuck me, Yance."
Eth shucks off his shirt before crashing back into Yancy, kissing him fervently, nipping at his bottom lip, opening easily for Yancy’s tongue. When he grinds down, Yancy grips his hips and rocks up against him, licking into Eth's mouth, chasing his heat, his sweetness, all the spots that he knows make Eth moan so pretty for him.
When Yancy can't take it no more, he rolls them, finally, finally, getting Eth under him on the bed, slotting between his legs, and, fuck, Yancy can feel how hard Eth is when he presses his hips down into him, chases the friction, the feeling of Eth’s cock against his. Yancy moans into that porcelain neck, gently pulling the skin between his teeth, as he fights to get himself under control, to not cum rutting against Eth like a dog, because, god, this feels better than it has any right to be, and Eth’s moving so sweetly up into him, moaning his name, and Yancy’s wanted this for months.
Yancy mouths down Eth’s chest until he can close his teeth around a nipple, licking and tugging at it until Eth’s keening up into his mouth, fisting his hair, whining when Yancy soothes over the reddened nub gently with his fingers as he pulls off. Yancy shifts to press his lips over Eth’s stomach, feeling Eth’s muscles tense as he thrusts his hips, searching, groaning at the loss of friction from Yancy.
“So goddamn gorgeous, blue.” Yancy rumbles into his skin, moving low, low on Eth’s stomach. “So sweet, can’t get enough of the way youse taste.”
Yancy doesn’t pull off the black boxer briefs, and instead finds the hard line of Eth’s cock through them, running his lips over the length of it, feeling Eth’s grip tighten in his hair, letting Eth buck up into his mouth as he sucks at him.
“Oh, fuck, Yance, your mouth.” Eth rasps. “Ah - feels so good, please, c’mon, take - take ‘em off.”
Yancy groans at the heady taste of the dampness at the head of Eth’s cock, and sucks at it to get more, as Eth arches and swears under him. “Ain’t that a thought, seein’ youse cum like this, makin’ a mess, helpless to control yourself.” Yancy gives a final suck at Eth’s head, just to tease more of those sweet sounds from him.
“God, bear, please, just take ‘em off, c’mon.” Eth moans.
Yancy takes mercy and pulls off, grins up at those hazel eyes as he starts working Eth’s briefs down his hips. “Don’t worry, I ain’t got the patience for teasin’ tonight. But if youse want me to fuck youse, need somethin’ from that drawer, there.”
Eth’s moving before he’s even done speaking. Eth knows what he means, of course he does, he knows Yancy’s room as if it’s his own, by now. Once Yancy’s stripped him of his boxer briefs, Eth hands him the lube, and Yancy just stops for a moment, because fuck is Eth breathtaking, spread out bare beneath him, a dusting of pink over that creamy skin, his pretty plump cock reddened with need and leaking over his stomach, the small furl of his hole clenching in anticipation.
Eth starts to curl a bit, under the scrutiny, as if somehow embarrassed his boyfriend is looking over him, appreciating him. “Yance, c’mon.” He says shyly, as if he hadn’t just been shamelessly thrusting his cock into Yancy’s mouth.
Yancy hums, barely restrains himself from descending back on Eth, and runs his fingertips over Eth’s inner thighs slowly, up, up, so close, and back again. “Do youse even know how stunning youse look, Eth? Them big, beautiful eyes, the pretty blush down youses skin, youses lovely cock all hard and drippin’ for me. What a sight youse make - can’t believe I get to have somethin’ good as youse.”
Eth’s still squirming a bit, but he’s spreading his thighs to Yancy’s touch, coaxing him on, and smiling. “You’re such a sap.”
“Only about youse.” Yancy smirks, leaning down to hover over his cock, rubbing over the crease of his hip next to it. “Tell me what youse want, blue.”
Eth gasps as Yancy’s hand gets so close to where he wants it. “Yancy, gonna climb on you myself if you don’t - ohh.”
Yancy takes the head of his cock into his mouth, pressing his tongue to the slit, feeling it pulse more pre on his tongue. He swirls his tongue around it, listening to Eth curse, his hand carding through Yancy’s hair again as his hips twitch with the restraint of not fucking up into Yancy’s mouth. Yancy descends slowly, until he’s at the base, and then sucks hard as he pulls back up, pulling a broken moan from Eth.
“Oh, god, bear, fuck, so - so good, ah, yeah, just like that.” Eth groans as Yancy sucks him languidly, flicking his tongue against the head at each pass.
Eth whines when Yancy pulls off to slick up his fingers, but when Yancy traces a finger over his hole he’s gasping and trying to thrust down onto it, pleading with Yancy to get on with it. Yancy watches transfixed at the way Eth arches, his lips parted and eyes screwed shut, when Yancy finally presses his finger inside. He groans at the feeling of Eth clenching around him, pressing a kiss to his inner thigh.
“Fuck, Eth, youse is so soft, so tight, gonna feel so good when I fuck youse.” Yancy murmurs against his skin, pumping his finger slowly in and out, working Eth open. “Wanna watch youse on top of me, like youse said, fuckin’ yourself down on my cock, usin’ it however youse want. Youse want that, blue? Wanna ride me ‘til youse cum?”
“Yes, god, Yance, yes - ah - wanna fuck you, ride you, please - ohh.” Eth gasps out, and Yancy works a second finger inside him, slowly, thrusting in increments until they’re both in to the knuckle.
Yancy hums his approval into his inner thigh, nips gently at the skin, as he starts up a smooth rhythm with his fingers. “Good. But, wanna make youse cum on my fingers, first.” And suddenly, he’s curling them, dragging along Eth’s walls until he finds what he’s looking for, and a loud, heavy moan is punched out of Eth. “Can youse do that? Can youse cum twice for me, sweet thing?”
“Y-yeah, yes, bear - fuck - god,” Eth moans again, cock twitching and drooling against his stomach as Yancy rubs circles around that spot, teasing at it, before splaying his fingers as he draws them out.
“Christ, Eth, youse is so good, so perfect for me, openin’ up so well on my fingers.” Yancy rumbles, dragging his lips up Eth’s thigh, feeling the way it quivers as he teases at the nerves inside Eth. “Can’t wait to feel you sinkin’ down onto me, takin’ me, takin’ everything youse want.”
“Fuck, yes, wanna feel you in me, filling me up. Oh, need you, bear.”
Yancy groans again at that, giving a harder bite into the top of Eth’s thigh, sucking at the skin, before bearing down on that spot inside him and swallowing down Eth’s cock to the hilt, and Eth goes taut like a bowstring beneath him, a choked sob pulled outta him at the onslaught. Yancy starts up a steady pace on his cock, sucking at him relentlessly and laving at the underside with his tongue, as he works Eth’s hole loose enough for a third finger.
Eth’s caught between thrusting down on Yancy’s fingers and up into his mouth, unable to choose which pleasure to chase and just writhing between both. Yancy gets a third finger into him, pressing at that bundle of nerves inside him, spreading them carefully to get him more open, and Eth’s hips are moving faster, needy, desperate thrusts, cock leaking in near continuous spurts onto Yancy’s tongue.
“Oh, oh fuck, Yance, m’close. Nng - gonna, m’gonna cum, please.” Eth sobs out.
Yancy moans around his cock in encouragement, picking up his rhythm, presses his fingers brutally over the spot inside Eth. Suddenly Eth about arches clear off the bed, pulsing on his tongue, cumming down Yancy’s throat as he swallows him to the base, milking him through it with his tongue. Eth’s legs twitch with it on either side of him, trying to snap shut at the onslaught of pleasure, as Yancy works him through his orgasm, until Eth goes soft and loose in his arms.
Yancy pulls off of him, then, withdraws his fingers, and rests his head on one of Eth’s thighs, eyes closed, taking a couple deep breaths to steady himself, pressing a hand hard to his own aching fucking cock to get control over himself. When he feels in control of the urge to just fuck into Eth, he looks down at him again, smiling at the hazy look on his face, and leans down to kiss him languidly.
Eth hums his contentment into the kiss and murmurs, “Thought you were gonna fuck me.”
Yancy chuckles, “We don’t have to, blue, if youse don’t wanna now.” But, christ, does Yancy hope he still wants to.
Eth gives him a lazy smile and cups his hand over the damp bulge in Yancy’s sleeping pants, and Yancy can’t help but moan and press into it, bolts of pleasure shooting through him from the touch. “You get your fingers in me again, get me ready again, and I’ll fuck you until you can’t remember what anyone else felt like.”
“Fuck, Eth,” Yancy replies eloquently, kissing him hard, open mouthed, impatient, as Eth works his hand slowly over his cock.
Yancy pulls away briefly to kick off his pants, his boxers, and then he’s back on him, kissing down the line of his throat, working his fingers back into Eth’s slick, lax hole easily, pulling a gasp from him. Eth gets a hand around Yancy’s cock, then, slow, firm strokes, using the wetness from the head to ease the glide, and Yancy groans into the junction of his neck, pleasure surging through him, the aching need swelling in his gut.
“Nnng, blue, don’t - don’t touch me, not if youse want me to last long enough to fuck youse.” Yancy rumbles into his skin.
Eth’s hand releases him, and Eth starts thrusting his hips down onto Yancy's fingers, again. “Yeah, ok, bear - ah - yeah, just like that.”
Eth grasps at his back, his shoulder, running his hands over whatever part of Yancy he can reach, as Yancy mouths over Eth’s neck, his shoulder, leaving soft bites on his skin. Yancy works that spot inside Eth until he’s moaning and whimpering beneath him again, cock full and throbbing, spilling a line of pre over his stomach.
“Enough, Yance, c’mon, m’ready, please, ohh.” Eth gasps out.
“Fuck, ok, Eth,” Yancy withdraws his fingers, rolls off of him, but Eth goes with him, straddles him. Eth slicks up his cock with a few, long strokes, pulling a heavy moan from Yancy. “Christ, look what youse do to me - fuck - how hard I am for youse, c’mon, blue. Oh, please.”
“I know, bear, gonna give you what you need.” Eth says, and then he’s lining himself up.
Yancy watches, moonstruck, as Eth works himself down on his cock. Eth feels so good, so good, tight heat enveloping him slowly, and Yancy lets out a choked groan as Eth takes him to the hilt, feeling Eth clench and flutter around him. Yancy fights to control himself, fights the urge to fuck up into that inviting heat. Eth braces his hands on Yancy’s chest, and then he’s lifting his hips, and fucking back down onto Yancy’s cock, and it’s all Yancy can do to hold on, gripping hard at Eth’s hips as he starts up a slow rhythm.
“Fuck, bear - ah - you feel so good in me, filling me up so well. Oh, s’like you belong there, made just for me.” Yancy groans as Eth builds his pace, pleasure rocking through him, and starts thrusting up into Eth in time with the downward drive of his hips. Yancy knows he’s hit the right spot when a particular thrust has Eth keening over him. “Nnng, fuck, there, right there, oh, yes, c’mon.”
“God, blue, youse is breathtaking like this, ah, just fuckin’ gorgeous over me. Perfect.” Yancy pants out between harsh breaths.
Yancy aims for that spot as he fucks up into Eth, breathing hard and groaning at the feel of Eth moving over him, the slick heat of him clenching around Yancy on each thrust, pleasure surging through him as the familiar ache builds in his gut, the pull towards release. Eth’s moaning above him, writhing on his cock and meeting his thrusts desperately, beautifully.
“Oh, fuck, Yance, faster, oh, please, faster.” Eth gasps out, increasing the pace of his hips. “So good for me, oh god, you’re so good for me, bear. You feel so good, so deep in me - ah - feel you in all the right places.”
And, god, Yancy’s close, hearing Eth talk like that, feeling his body tighten with each hit to those sensitive nerves inside him. Yancy suddenly feels his balls draw up and just barely manages to hold back his orgasm against the waves of pleasure from Eth fucking him, a desperate groan pulled from him at the aching in his gut.
“Eth, god, m’close. C’mon, m’so close.” Yancy moans, breathing heavy with exertion, with raw need.
“Yeah, c’mon, bear, harder. Gonna make me cum - oh, fuck - you want that? You wanna make me cum on you?” Yancy can tell Eth’s getting close, too, by the way he’s clenching hard around him, the way his cock is leaking near constantly.
“Yes, yes, blue, please, let me, let me - nng.”
“Yeah, bear, come on, gonna cum. God, oh, fill me up, c’mon.” Eth whines out, and Yancy’s hand flies to his cock, using the wetness at the head, striping quickly over it, because, fuck, Yancy ain’t gonna last much longer, he’s right there.
Then Eth’s coming over Yancy’s chest with a broken moan, body arching and going taut, thighs quivering. And the clenching and spasming around Yancy’s cock has him coming hard with a choked sob, fucking up into Eth desperately, spilling inside him, doing his best to work Eth through his orgasm as he rides out the surges of his own.
They’re both breathing hard as they come down, Yancy releasing Eth’s spent cock, soothing his hands up over Eth’s thighs as they twitch with the aftershocks. Eth leans down, then, gives a small lick to Yancy’s chest, over his own release, and kisses Yancy lazily, and, fuck, that should not be as hot as it is.
Eth hums into the kiss, and says against Yancy’s lips, “Taste what you do to me, bear. How good you are for me.”
“Fuck, Eth.” Yancy moans into the kiss. “Youse is incredible.”
Eth smiles down at him. They both make sounds of discomfort as Yancy slides out of him, then Eth props himself over Yancy. “You are, too, Yance. I can’t believe you finally wanted to do this.”
“Just couldn’t help myself no more.” Yancy flashes him a grin, “How could I resist youse?”
Eth chuckles and gives him another kiss, short and sweet, always sweet. “C’mon, gotta get cleaned up.”
Yancy gives a dramatic groan, but follows Eth to the bathroom. Once they’re clean, they settle down into bed without bothering with clothes. Yancy’s got a pretty good feeling they’ll just be a hassle, in the morning. Or, he hopes so. He tries not to think about the old anxieties, the possibility that Eth will leave, will be done with him, in the morning. Tries to remember that Eth’s different, different from anyone he’s ever been with. That he’ll stay. Just before Eth dozes off, Yancy steals another kiss, to taste that promise, again.
Ethan makes him coffee, in the morning.
****
Things with Ethan have been going good.
And that - that is the biggest understatement Yancy's made since he told Jack his parents 'weren't the greatest' all them years ago. Things with Eth are amazing. Right. Easy. Yancy still can’t help the guilt, sometimes, over getting something he don’t deserve. Like when he made parole. Like Eth is a fluke in the system he wasn’t ever supposed to have. But, mostly, Eth's mindful of that, takes care to remind Yancy that it ain't true, and Yancy can take Eth's word on that, most days. Focus on enjoying what he's got, enjoying Eth, and leave the rest for the birds.
But, there's been one thing nagging at him, lately. Sticking to the back burner, no matter how hard he tries to scrub it from his mind. Which is a special torture of irony, because Yancy should be glad about this, riding it as long as he can. But.
Ethan still hasn't asked what Yancy did.
And he might claim it doesn’t bother him, that he don’t care to know, but that’s because he doesn’t know. If he did… He’d wanna know. Especially now that things are getting serious, especially now that they’re intimate, Yancy needs to tell him. Needs to give him the chance to make an informed decision about Yancy. He should’ve done it sooner, but, well, Yancy’s never had anything last this long. He half expected Eth to have moved on already, if he’s honest. But he hasn’t. And it’s clear he ain’t gonna. So.
So tonight’s the night. They’ve just finished up dinner, which Yancy couldn’t each much of, on accounta the knots in his stomach. After Yancy’s finished cleaning up, and ok, maybe he didn’t have to wipe down the counter a second time, he made his way over to where Eth was sitting at the table. Yancy pulled him up, and drew him in for a kiss, slow and languid, adoring, savoring.
Yancy tried hard not to think of it as their last.
Yancy pulled back with a steadying breath. He's gotta do this. Like a bandaid. "Eth, we - I - I gotta tell youse somethin'. C'mon, come sit down."
"Oh, ok." Eth smiled, confused, but letting himself be led by the hand to the couch.
Yancy didn't sit next to him, felt like he needed space for this, as if it'd hurt less when his confession drove a wedge between them. He settled into the armchair next to the couch, leaning on his elbows, bracing. Eth, kind, patient Eth, just sat quietly, waiting with those big old eyes of his, tension creeping into them.
God, but did Yancy not wanna do this.
Yancy pulled in a deep breath, filled with Eth's crisp, rainy scent, sat in what may very well be their final moments of peace, and then, "Ethan, I gotta tell youse this. Youse ain't asked, but - well, youse deserve to know. It ain't right to continue this, without youse knowin' who I am. What I did."
Those eyes got bigger, surprised briefly, and who could blame him? But then he's nodding, expression smoothing into something like neutral. "Yancy, if you want to tell me, I'll listen. But, you’re more than what you’ve done. That’s not how I see you."
Yancy huffed, the corner of his mouth pulling up in a small grimace. "It will be." And Eth looked like he's gonna argue that, so Yancy continued. "I just - I need youse to know, or else m'always gonna feel like I'm lyin' to youse. Deprivin' youse of the choice of… of whether or not youse wanna be with a murderer."
Eth sucked in a breath, eyes so wide they almost looked pleading. "A… you - you killed someone?"
Christ, Yancy hated the way Eth's voice cracked around that word. He had to look away from Eth, then, couldn’t stand to watch the disgust that Yancy knew was gonna twist over his face. Because it was Eth, and he couldn’t - he just couldn’t.
"Killed my parents. They weren't the greatest - hurt me, so's I killed ‘em." Yancy murmured, and, god, why now, after all these years, is he getting choked up?
“Ok… Ok, that’s… not what I thought you were gonna say.” Eth took another shaky breath, and Yancy could see him wringing his hands out of the corner of his eye. “Yance, I’m trying not to freak out, but you gotta give me more than that. What happened?”
Yancy huffed out a breath. “I murdered my parents, Eth, what, youse wanna know how I did it?”
Eth made a strangled sound then, pained. But, when he spoke, it was even, cautious. "No, I just - why?"
It wasn’t accusing or disgusted, no yelling for Yancy to get the fuck away from him, no sound of scrambling, so Yancy risked a glace up. Eth was still watching him, expression pinched in something soft and concerned, and Jesus, Yancy had no idea what to do with that. This - this wasn’t - this was all wrong.
“Christ, Eth, how're youse so calm about this?”
"I - I'm just trying to understand, Yance. That doesn't sound like you. Not the you that I know." Eth’s lips curved into a half-smile, tense, pleading with Yancy to give him something, anything to confirm Yancy’s still the man he thinks he knows.
Yancy lets out a derisive chuckle, mirthless, because he knows that ain’t gonna happen. Because Yancy ain’t that guy. “Eth, I’ve been tryin’ to tell youse, all this time, that youse don’t know me. Youse don’t know who I am, what I am, what I’m capable of. I ain’t the guy youse think I am, and I’ve been plain about that since day one.” Yancy snaps. He runs a hand through his hair, because fuck, what is he doing, talking to Eth like this? “The guy youse is fuckin’ offed his own parents. Spent eight years in prison, doin’ awful things mind youse, because of it. This is me and youse gotta accept that.”
“Yancy, I accept it, I do, but I need you to stop telling me that I don’t know you.” It’s clear Eth’s still trying to maintain that calm, but it’s laced with frustration, now. “I do know you, and I know you wouldn’t have done something like that in cold blood. I know whatever happened in the past didn’t change how Jack felt about you, and it won’t change how I feel about you.” Eth’s voice is softer, now, fucking calm again. And Yancy doesn’t know why that gets under his skin so bad. “But, Yancy, please - I just - I need more of an explanation. Need to be able to make sense of this.”
“What d’youse wanna know, huh? The reasons I gave the judge? As if that excuses what I did? As if that makes it better, that I didn’t just leave? Instead of - of -” Yancy makes a frustrated noise, between a groan and a sob, and that just makes the anger bubble up hotter, because this didn’t used to be this hard. It just feels so heavy this time, like lead in his throat, set to either make him vomit or suffocate. “Youse wanna hear how I snapped? Snapped because I couldn’t stand one more night doin’ things with ma no more - couldn’t stand pop's discipline - couldn’t stand either of ‘em hurtin’ me no more, so I took a knife from the kitchen, and - and -”
Yancy breaks off with a sob, furious, because he ain’t gotten so worked up over this in years, christ. But, there’s a lot of things he ain’t experienced in years, with Eth. He hears Eth calling his name, earnest, firm, but still edged in that softness, but Yancy can’t bring himself to look up.
“It’s ok, Yancy. You don’t have to tell me anymore, it’s ok, I understand. I'm sorry, It’s ok. Just, come sit with me, ok? Just come sit and let me hold you, alright? It’s gonna be ok.”
Yancy lets out another harsh laugh at that, finally looking at Eth, now. The sadness, sympathy, shining in those seaglass eyes. “What youse just gonna let this go? Like I told youse I accidentally killed a goldfish, instead of two living, breathing human beings?”
Eth watched Yancy for a minute, trying to figure out what to say. “Yes, because this doesn’t change anything. It’s in the past. We don’t have to talk about this anymore, if you don’t want to. It’s ok, Yancy.”
Yancy stands with a groan, paces. He has to, because he can’t sit under those seaglass eyes no more, feeling the cold burn of their sympathy. “It’s not ok, Ethan! It’s not ok that I waited in bed with that knife, for ma - that even after I managed to fight her off, after I’d won, I stabbed her over and over and over! That I did the same to my step dad, when he came home and saw - saw -"
Suddenly, Eth’s there, in front of him, holding up his hands and looking small, so small. His eyes are watery, voice thick with emotion as he says, “Yancy, it’s ok, you’re ok. It doesn’t make you a bad person, you’re ok.” Eth inches towards him cautiously, like he’s a spooked animal, and Yancy takes a step back, because Eth shouldn’t touch him, shouldn’t get tainted by this, by him. He told Eth that, he told him.
“Eth, no matter the reason, I - I still got that in me, it doesn’t just go away. That violence. I’ve done awful things to bad people and good people alike.” Yancy bites out, voice breaking with frustration, because, fuck, why can’t Eth just see . “I ain’t fuckin’ good. I ain’t the man youse want me to be.”
“Stop.” Eth says, and he marches straight up to Yancy, not cautious anymore. And Yancy stands his ground, doesn’t move away, even as Eth brings his hands up, slowly, as if waiting for Yancy to push him back, and gently cups Yancy’s jaw. “You told me about your past, told me what you did. I’m telling you, I accept it. It doesn’t change how I feel, how I see you, Yancy. It doesn’t change that you’re a kind, compassionate person. It doesn’t change that you’ve got one of the biggest hearts I’ve ever seen, even after so many people have tried to crush it.”
Eth rubs a soft thumb over his cheek, and Yancy hadn’t realized he’s started crying until he brushes away the tear. “It doesn’t change how I feel about you. It doesn’t change that I want to wake up with you, and go to sleep with you, and be near you constantly. It doesn’t change that I feel safe with you.”
Yancy’s face twists at that, and yeah, he can feel the tears, now. “Eth, I’m sorry, I ain’t…” He trails off, because he’s not sure what he was going to say, has already said his peace, and not said enough at the same time.
“You’re not a lot of things, Yancy, and you’re not anything I don’t want.” Eth keeps wiping gently at his cheeks, catching each tear that falls, keeping his face clean, and Yancy has a wild, crazy thought that Aunt Rosie’d be happy about that. “You said you didn’t want to deprive me of a choice. So, let me have my choice, Yancy. Let me have you.”
Yancy’s used to breaking, around Ethan.
That last bit of stubbornness cracks, and he buries his face in Eth’s neck, wraps his arms around him, pulls him in close, close, needing to feel the solid line of Ethan against him. Eth just holds him back, softly shushing into Yancy’s neck, rubbing soothing patterns over his lower back. “M’sorry, blue. m’sorry I keep - I know I don’t make this easy. M’sorry. Thank youse, for - just, thank youse, Eth.”
Eth hums quietly, and murmurs into his neck, “It’s worth it, bear. It’s always worth it, for you.”
They stay there like that for a little while, Yancy silently crying into Eth’s neck, because for some goddamn reason he can’t get a lid on it tonight. But Eth doesn’t seem to mind. Just continues to soothe him. Hold him. And, when Yancy’s ready, takes him to bed. And Eth’s still there in the morning, making him coffee.
Yancy thinks, yeah, Lucian woulda really loved Eth.
But not nearly as much as Yancy loves him.