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It was unfair to say that Ukitake was unprepared for the conversation - it was only that there was nothing he could do to ease the nerves he felt when he thought about it. There was no easy way to ask someone to openly communicate their feelings to someone they weren’t exactly close with. Hirako Shinji was no exception.
But as he stepped up to the Fifth Division’s captain and lieutenant, he resolved to talk to him regardless. Hirako looked bored, and Hinamori seemed agitated with him, though neither of them appeared to be busy.
“Ah, Hinamori-kun? I apologize, but could you allow some privacy for me and Hirako-san?” Ukitake gave her his most sheepish smile - the last thing he wanted to do was agitate her further. Her issue could have been the same issue that he intended to get out of Hirako.
It began as only a minor rumor, hardly any cause for concern - most definitely below the radar of things that Ukitake felt the need to deal with. But it spread quickly, and suddenly the entirety of Squad Five had noticed that something was wrong. There was not a shortage of people who interacted with Squad Five, so it hadn’t been long before everyone wanted to know what was causing the Fifth Division Captain to act so strangely. From what he had heard, the man looked more forlorn, made jokes noticeably less often, and always looked distracted. The rumors were of illness, a loved one’s death, restlessness from the peace of Soul Society, and about a dozen others that he simply couldn’t remember.
The one that stood out to Ukitake the most was suggested by Kyouraku after a particularly long meeting between the captains. Upon hearing the rumors, it was impossible to not take notice of how far Hirako seemed to be from the present. He had not looked sad , he looked defeated .
“He looks heartbroken.” Kyouraku had whispered in his ear when he saw Ukitake analyzing.
It had taken Ukitake a few more days after that meeting to figure out what was wrong with the statement. It wasn’t quite heartbreak, it was longing .
And that…Ukitake was no stranger to that.
“Perhaps…you should be the one to speak to him.” Kyouraku had smiled placatingly when he brought it back up. Had Ukitake looked upset whilst explaining?
His heart skipped a beat. The consideration that Kyouraku might have realized that he could understand Hirako’s dilemma was far too heavy of a thought to be having. Though, both him and Hirako may benefit from a conversation in which they have a mutual understanding.
Which is why he was now sat with Hirako alone on an engawa in the heart of Squad Five’s territory. It was a breezy day, the chill of the wind sent shivers down Ukitake’s spine. He didn’t go there often because it was on the exact opposite side of Soul Society to the Eleventh Division, and because when Aizen was captain he had run the place in near-perfect condition. Looking back, that should have alerted Ukitake.
“Hirako-san,” he sighed, “do you miss the world of the living?”
Hirako looked at him with equal amounts of boredom and intrigue. He did not think it to be out of character for himself to try and help someone who needed it, but Hirako may not know him well enough to agree. Or maybe he did. Ukitake watched as the other looked back toward the setting sun, “Eh, only sometimes. Yer bound to get bored when yer locked up in a warehouse for a damn century.”
Ukitake followed his gaze, it wasn’t often that he watched the evening sun - the cold air felt much less forgiving on his lungs. It was his own fault for procrastinating the conversation, “So perhaps the change in your mood is because of someone and not something ?”
Hirako’s gaze sharpened, and he was very noticeably not looking toward Ukitake. That was all the confirmation that he needed, anyway. Someone had become the object of Hirako’s affections - which was causing the irregularities in his demeanor. He didn’t have the slightest clue who it was though, nobody from Soul Society seemed to fit as Ukitake shuffled through possible candidates in his mind.
“Please, Hirako-san, permit me to give you some advice on the matter.” Ukitake turned his full attention toward the other man.
Hirako groaned, “Yer gonna tell me anyway, so why even ask?”
Ukitake chuckled. It was true. He would be lying if he told himself that his motives for reaching out were entirely unselfish - he was admittedly relieved that he wasn’t alone. When he found out the cause of Hirako’s distress he wasn’t happy , but at least he knew someone was capable of feeling the same way he did. Ukitake had likely had much more time to figure out how to work through it though. Maybe it wasn’t as futile for Hirako as it was for Ukitake - and if he could help someone achieve that happiness, then it may be just as good as if he had his own, “To be polite.”
“Whatever, jus’ get on with it.” Hirako sighed with more lung capacity than Ukitake has had in years, reaching his hand out in a flicking gesture signaling for him to continue.
“I try my best to keep out of private affairs by the way, Hirako-san. I noticed you visit the world of the living far more frequently than anyone outside of my division, but that’s to be expected considering what you went through. I'm sure you have taken notice of the rumors that you’ve been acting strangely, paired with the fact that you have not made a visit since those same rumors started.”
Shinji chuckled humorlessly as he rubbed his eyes with his palms, “Oh, so yer playin’ detective on me.”
“The point is, I don’t believe you’ll get rid of anything you’re feeling by avoiding that someone.” Ukitake hummed.
Hirako raised a single brow toward him in lieu of a verbal answer - it had conveyed whatever he might have said regardless.
“I…know that feeling, Hirako-san,” Ukitake was much too aware of the pain in his chest, “I have been where you are. I am where you are. I had done the exact thing you’re doing too, but avoidance never worked for me. It only ever hurt both of us when I tried.”
Hirako was not surprised at the admission, which was not assuring, but said nothing about being aware of it prior, “Yer tellin’ me that ya still do it then? Sounds like yer a hypocrite.”
“It does, doesn’t it?” Ukitake smiled serenely, the best he could. He was not foolish enough to think that he looked anything other than sad. His lungs were beginning to hurt more by the second, imminent in their reminder. “If I tell you a secret, do you promise you’ll keep it to yourself?”
“I might. Depends.” Hirako clicked his tongue.
“I don’t have much longer, Hirako-san. I can feel it. If I tell anyone else, they’ll just keep me from living the best I can until I go.”
Hirako was silent for a few seconds before sighing once more, “Sounds fair to me, then. I guess yer secret is safe.”
“Funnily enough, I don’t think it’s my illness itself that is going to kill me in the end. That’s what I was scared of the entire time - if I got close enough to let someone love me then I would only cause them pain in the end because one day my lungs couldn’t work anymore. Then it turns out that I may just be slain instead.” Ukitake put his palm over his chest, it was as if speaking of his illness only manifested its pain. The cold air of the night hurt , but he was always hurting. There was no amount of praying that seemed to fix that, doomed to hurt until the very end.
“Ya don’t know that.”
“I have no way of knowing, and yet I do. I am going to die soon.”
Hirako slumped his shoulders, “…Urahara Kisuke.”
“What?”
“Urahara Kisuke. That’s my someone . Congrats, yer shitty detective skills worked.”
Oh. Urahara Kisuke. That…actually should not have been surprising. If he remembered correctly, they were friends before Urahara was banished from Soul Society. Before, he had assumed that had not counted for something, since Hirako was accused of being hollowfied by Urahara. But it was now safe to assume that he had actually been the one to save Hirako, “Ah, I don’t think I would have guessed that. I suppose it makes sense though now that I think about it.”
“Shut up. I’m only tellin’ ya because yer a dead man walking.”
That startled a chuckle out of Ukitake. To his surprise, it was a humorous one, untainted by the melancholy of before, “Will you allow the dead man to give you a little more advice?”
Hirako’s face took on an incredulous expression, “Yer gonna do it anyw-“
Ukitake interrupted him, “Urahara-san is a smart man. But I doubt that he had any clues as to why you’re now avoiding him. You two were good friends, don’t tarnish that because you’re afraid of how he will react. Don’t deny yourself that friendship in the meantime. Please, take your time, Shinigami have plenty of that - but don’t take your feelings to the grave.”
They sat silent for a few minutes after that. Hirako should take all the time he needs to get that sentiment through to himself. Ukitake felt a familiar reiatsu creeping into his senses anyway, making itself known only to Ukitake, who had been around it for centuries. If his heart skipped a beat - then that was for Ukitake only to know, “Kyouraku.”
“Come on, Juushirou! I wanted to hear the gossip!” Kyouraku whined at being called out. When they were young they got quite good at spying on people by masking their reiatsu to the point where only each other could feel it. Usually Ukitake would indulge him.
“Not this time, this was a private conversation.” Ukitake chided. Both him and Hirako had vulnerable information about each other now, to let Kyouraku in would shatter that trust.
Kyouraku sulked as he walked over to them, pushing the stray hairs on his forehead back - he must have traveled fast, “You’re no fun.”
“I’m plenty of fun.” Ukitake crossed his arms in defiance. This had likely been the only time he didn’t let Kyouraku eavesdrop on a private meeting, “It is getting late though, I should be heading back, goodnight Hirako-san.”
“Yeah it’s about that time when the elderly go to bed, I figured you’d qualify.” Hirako watched as Kyouraku helped Ukitake up. Guess it was safe to say that Hirako now knows exactly who Ukitake was talking about - assuming he hadn’t known beforehand. While Hirako and him weren’t exactly ever close, they were both captains before the banishment, and that had counted for something. Perhaps now he could call Hirako a friend.
“Hilarious.” Kyouraku deadpanned.
“Ukitake.” Hirako called out, “For what it’s worth, I don’t think ya should either. I think ya can afford to be selfish, just once.”
Ukitake was a man on a timer. To tell Kyouraku how he felt would possibly be cruel and selfish despite how the other man reacted. However, if Kyouraku had to live with the knowledge that Ukitake had been keeping it to himself to spare his feelings - that may only make things worse. Either way he was cheated out of a death that Kyouraku could move on from.
But…to live his best life while he was alive was to be selfish.
“We’ll see.”