Chapter Text
It was tradition, every Friday night they’d meet up at their favourite bar and complain about their lives. Natasha would rant about her job as a language teacher and about how the kids must be stupid because what they say, when they repeat it back, is nothing like what she said. Clint, Natasha’s boyfriend, would then take over with his rough week and how the kids in his gym class don’t even try but the ones who turn up to his archery club after school has ended were the apple of his eye. Then, there was Bucky who liked his job as a dog trainer and as a volunteer at the local shelter. He loved all kinds of dogs, big or small and every breed imaginable. Plus, he’d often get dates from the people, men or women who brought their dogs but hadn’t found someone they could call their soulmate yet. His job was a dream come true but he had to leave the dogs at the end of the day despite his constant desire to adopt one. Bucky actually wanted to and his landlord allowed pets but his asthmatic roommate and best friend, couldn’t have one. He is the last person, but by no means least, in this circle of friends. Steven Grant Rogers who was a skinny 5’4 artist who loved his job more than any other person who ever lived. On the Friday gatherings, he usually talks about his amazing week more than complain like Clint and Nat.
“Shut up, Rogers, you love your job.” Nat said with a smirk and a fond eye roll. She’d met him when the pair of them attended college together, he was studying art and she languages. It was through him she’d met Bucky since he and Steve had been friends since they were five years old. The three of them had met Clint later when Steve had joined the archery club which Clint was a part of at college. A few embarrassing incidents later, which Steve was reminded of on a weekly basis, the four of them had become inseparable.
“And you love your job, you just hate the kids, ever thought about being a translator?” Steve asked her over the top of his beer bottle.
“I suppose I know enough languages to do that,” Nat contemplated while she ran her finger down her vodka and coke glass, more vodka than coke.
“You know enough languages so any employer would have to give you a job.” Steve said to encourage her further, she didn’t like to see her miserable.
“How many languages do you know, Romanov?” Bucky asked from his spot next to Steve at their usual booth.
“Umm…ten fluently but another three that I know not as well, so thirteen in total.” She smirked as Bucky looked genuinely horrified at that.
“Fuck me, how do you know all of those languages?”
“A woman needs her secrets, Barnes.” She threw him a wink before finishing the rest of her drink in one whole gulp.
“Don’t look at me, even I don’t know how she knows them,” Clint said throwing his hands in the air in a surrendering motion when Bucky turned to look at him expectantly.
“I’ve known her the longest and I don’t know either but I am sure I know a few curse words in different languages since she mumbles them all the time,” Steve smirked at Natasha which stuck her tongue at him in response. No one knew anything about Natasha before Steve had meet her when they were nineteen, this was almost a decade ago. She was very secretive, even towards Clint who’d been her boyfriend for three years, this had caused a few arguments between them at the beginning of their relationship but now he understood that was just who she was.
“But you’ve known Barnes for the longest,” Natasha teased while she waggled her eyebrows suggestively. Steve blushed at her implication while Bucky just rolled his eyes, they were used to this.
“That’s right, Nat, how long is it now? Twenty years?” Clint joined in with a large grin spread over his face.
“Twenty-two, dear.”
“That’s right, twenty-two years of pulling his ass out of fights and nursing him when he gets sick.”
“Tell me, Barnes, why did you go to your first day at school, look around at all the other faces and then befriend the boy who is the embodiment of the raincloud emoji?”
“Geez, thanks, Nat.” Steve said sarcastically but he knew it was friendly, if it had been someone else to say something like that to Steve, they probably wouldn’t be alive to tell anyone what happened as
the result.
“You’re welcome, Raincloud Rogers.” Sometimes though, he wished he was as witty as her but the title usually fell to Bucky, sometimes Clint but not often.
“He’s like my little brother, plus, my soul mate is going to say ‘I knew it, I always knew’ and Steve definitely doesn’t know more than me” Bucky smirked as he wrapped his left arm around Steve and
give him a one-armed hug.
“But that’s the last thing they’ll ever say to you, you don’t know what could happen decades down the line,” Clint pointed out as he drained his bottle of beer off.
“True, much more helpful if I knew what my soulmate’s first words were to me,” Steve sighed as he leant slightly in Bucky’s hold which he hadn’t released. He leaned in enough to feel comfortable but
not enough that Clint or Nat saw. That would be annoying.
“And they would be…?” Clint asked Steve, his eyes flicking to Bucky briefly so he knew what he was asking him.
“Dunno, ask me when I find out who my soulmate is.”
“Come on, Steve, humour us. If it were the first words, what would yours and Barnes’s say?” Natasha pushed leaning on her forearms so she was closer to Steve who was opposite her.
“Mine would say ‘You like gettin’ your ass kicked?’” Steve said doing his best impression of seven year old Bucky.
“And mine would say ‘I had him on the ropes.’” Bucky chuckles remembering seeing the same kid pick on Steve a couple of times but on that particular day, he’d seen enough.
“Awww,” Nat and Clint said in unison which made Bucky throw his head back and laugh and Steve blush. He may be small but he was not adorable.
“That was my Stevie, always saying something stupid.” Bucky said with a fond smile.
“Fuck you, Buck.” He sighed which made Clint gasp in horror.
“Steven, watch your language!” The brought another sigh out of Steve’s small frame before he rubbed his hands over his face in exasperation.
“Did Stark tell you about that?”
“No, he told Pepper who told Nat, she told me.” Clint smirked kissing his girlfriend on the head briefly to show her he was thankful for that story.
“Great, that’s not gonna go away any time soon.” They all headed home not long after, Bucky and Steve went to their small apartment which was a ten minute walk away and Clint and Natasha drove to their slightly larger apartment further away.
They all were quite busy people so if they didn’t exchange any more than a few texts over the course of the week, obviously they’d see their roommates, they always had their Friday nights at Fury’s.
~
From Natasha: Are you free?x
To Natasha: I’m still at the studio but I am free, why?x
“Knock, knock!” Natasha smiled as she popped her head around Steve’s studio door. He’d been lucky enough to know Tony Stark, the genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist, in college and, despite initial differences, they’d become good friends so when he took over his father’s business as the head of Stark Enterprises, he’d been good to him.
Finding work as an artist was hard but Tony invested in pretty much everything and he’d happened to decide that he wanted shares in the best galleries and art studios in Brooklyn. This had lead to Steve getting a job and studio space to create his art.
When this first happened, Steve had been sceptical at taking any of it but Tony told him he believed in him and he deserved to be able to do something with it. Since then, Steve had plenty of people, rich people too, asking Steve to sketch them and he even had his first nude drawing in a gallery.
“Hey, Nat.” he smiled.
“This is my apology.” She said handing Steve a Starbucks macchiato and sitting on one of the two couches that Steve had in there.
“For what?”
“For last night, Clint and I took it too far.”
“Nat, don’t worry about it,”
“I had a little too much vodka and I over-stepped.”
“Seriously, don’t,” He began but Natasha interrupted him by raising her voice over his.
“Steve, I never apologise so let me say it and accept it.”
“Okay, thank you for your apology.” There was a comfortable silence between them for a moment before Natasha broke it.
“So, not gonna tell him that what me and Clint said was the truth?” she smirked at him and Steve really wanted draw on her face but he knew the consequences would be too serious.
Although he wanted to make her stop, he couldn’t deny the truth to her, he never could. He did love Bucky. He’d loved Bucky for years, pretty much since he’d met him but he’d never said anything. The one time he’d considered it, Bucky had brought Connie, his then girlfriend home and he’d chickened out. It also doesn’t help that Bucky refers to them as his ‘little brother’ because that kind of removes the moment from the air. If it’s there to begin with.
“I can’t,”
“Why the fuck not? You guys have been friends for twenty-two years and we both know Barnes isn’t gonna throw that all away if he doesn’t feel the same.”
“We live together so it’ll be weird, I can’t.”
“Okay, you’re loss, Rainbow Cloud.”
“Screw you, Romanov, and if you tell me to watch my language, I will scream.”
“Damn, maybe next time.”
Natasha left after they’d finished their coffee so she could get back to work in plenty of time and Steve could go back to his drawing. He’d lost his muse as of late so he didn’t have a lot to draw except what people specifically asked him. Original work was becoming less frequent which was frustrating because that was his favourite thing to do.
Long after Natasha had gone, her words were still bouncing around in his head and the longer they stayed, the more sense they made.
Bucky wouldn’t do anything bad to him but he didn’t want to lose the strong friendship they’d built up over their lives. This is why he really put it off, he’d rather have Bucky as a best friend than not at all. There was also the fact that having soulmates was supposed to give people security that someone was out there for them but as it was their last words, no one ever truly knew until the end. However, Steve telling himself this didn’t deter a part of his mind from speaking up, no one knew until the end so it is entirely possible for Bucky to be his soulmate but the only way to tell would be to speak up and see.
“I’m gonna do it.” He told his reflection. He’d come home and decided to do it. He’d been practising what to say in front of the mirror for an hour and he was ready, now he just had to wait for Bucky to come home.
Home.
They’d bought the apartment for a bargain as it was in a bad state at the time but after a lot of late nights and clothes being destroyed with paint, they fixed it up. It wasn’t large but it wasn’t a shoebox either. There was the main room with their sofa and TV which looked out onto the street below which was helpful as they could see who buzzed their intercom before answering, Bucky liked knowing Steve was safe. Upon entering the apartment it was straight into the living room with the kitchen and a small corridor to the right, the small corridor had a door at the end which was the bathroom, one of the right which was Steve’s room and another door on the left which was Bucky’s.
It wasn’t much to some people but it was their home.
Steve came out of the bathroom and into the kitchen, he pulled his favourite cup out of the cupboard and poured himself a coffee. He took his coffee with him downstairs to collect the mail which had been delivered sometime after he’d come home. The first few letters were the regular things which everyone got, bills, charity letters but one letter out of them all caught his attention.
It looked official, very official and it was addressed to James Buchanan Barnes.
Neither of them ever got letters like this.
He placed them on the counter in their apartment with that letter on top. He wanted to open it, badly. He could tell it was important and he felt panicked but he didn’t. He left it and busied himself until Bucky came home.
“Have a good day?” he asked Steve as he picked up the letter and broke the seal.
“Yeah, did you?” Steve was watching Bucky’s face the whole time he was reading the letter. His friend must have not heard him as he didn’t answer, just kept rereading the letter in his hands.
The silence dragged on and Steve was becoming wearier.
“Bucky, what is that?”
“I, uh, I sighed up for the army a couple of weeks ago,”
The army.
Bucky was… leaving?
The army.
Guns.
Oh god.
Steve’s mind was racing with so many thoughts and feelings that he didn’t realise what was going on until he felt an arm around his shoulders and hear Bucky’s voice.
“Steve, breathe, please,” Bucky begged as he led Steve over to their sofa and sat him down. The pair sat there, Bucky not releasing Steve from his hold, until the latter was calm and could breathe.
“Sorry…” Steve blushed when he realised he had a panic attack at the thought of the man he loved being in danger.
“I should be apologising, I should’ve told you before now, I’ll make sure the rent is covered or I can talk to Stark and,” Bucky began to ramble but Steve could feel his eyes begin to sting.
“Bucky, don’t worry about it, I can cover it.” Steve smiled as he bit the inside of his cheek to keep his tears in their ducks.
“You have your medication to pay for too, Steve and that takes priority for you. Or it does for me.” Steve’s heart skipped a beat or two when he heard Bucky’s voice say those words but then what was going to happen dawned on him.
Steve managed to keep himself calm for the evening and act like he was okay with everything but he wasn’t. Steve’s father had died in the military and he would donate money to the local VA whenever he could but the thought of losing Bucky was too much.
These thoughts plagued him that night and for the next, as a result of this he spent less and less time at his home and more time with Peggy from his work. This allowed him to take his mind off his best friend leaving and avoid Natasha trying to give him a talk about it. He didn’t think he could bear it at the moment.
Although, that is when it started to go wrong.
Bucky was leaving the following Saturday so they agreed to make the last Friday they would all be together a spectacular one but for the first time in eight years, Steve didn’t turn up. He’d sent Natasha a text and told her he was sorry but he’d made previous plans. They never made plans on Fridays. It was ‘Friends Friday’ as Clint had called it once before they all booed at him and Natasha threw some peanuts at him.
He turned off his phone to avoid any calls from Nat or text messages which he guessed would not be pleasant for him.
“You are acting like a really asshole.” Peggy told him when he told her what he’d done. She was his friend from work and he always trusted her to tell him the truth.
“I know,” he sighed.
“You’re best friend’s leaving party but you’re sat here with me? That’s not the Steven Rogers I know.”
“He’s going to be so mad with me, they all are.”
“Steve, listen to me, may I be frank?” That sounded like he was not going to like what he was about to hear but he knew that was what he needed.
“I’d rather you be Peggy, I kind of need her right now.” He joked trying to lighten the mood between them but by the expression on her face, it seemed she did not appreciate the humour. “Sorry, carry on.”
“He’s leaving tomorrow, Steve, so, if I were you, I would go home, apologise and tell him how you feel. Then, if he does not share your feelings, you both have time where you don’t have to see each other every day to get over it. If he does feel the same way, you can early await his return and the thought of you will make it easier for him.” She spoke sense, Peggy always did and it’s only one of the many things that Steve loved about her.
“You know what, Peggy? I think you’re right.”
“Good. Come on, I’ll drive you home.” She said sliding off her seat and picking up her keys.
~
“No Steve?” Clint asked and Natasha didn’t miss the way Bucky’s jaw clenched at his name. It had been hard for Bucky, his last week at home for a while and his best friend was avoiding him. He knew he’d upset Steve by not telling him, they told each other everything but he didn’t realise it would affect him this much.
“No, he’d got other plans.” Bucky said before turning their conversation back to what Nat was going to do without someone to bully. She insisted she would cope with bullying Clint and Steve in his place but she would write down any good insults she thought of while he was gone.
Once they’d finished laughing, they descended into silence which Steve would usually fill. It felt strange without him so the realisation of what it would be like once Bucky had gone was hitting them.
“You know what? Fuck it, I’m gonna say it, I’m really gonna miss you, Barnes.” Clint said with a smile but it was a sad smile.
“Yeah? I might just miss you too, Clint. Maybe even you, Natasha and you know you’re gonna be lost without me.”
“Keep dreaming, Barnes.” Natasha said with a fake look of disgust. She would miss him, a lot but she wasn’t going to say it out loud.
“You wound me,” he mocked, placing his right hand over his heart to feign injury. “I think I’m going to head home to pack.” Bucky added once everyone’s glasses were empty.
“You sure you don’t want one more?” Natasha asked but he shook his head and stood up. He gave them both a hug before turning to leave, he’d barely got ten feet away from the club when he felt someone grab his arm. It was Natasha.
“What’s up? Did I forget something?”
“No, but I forgot to tell you something.” She paused for a second and he nodded to signal her to continue. “I know you don’t like talking about it but Steve loves you, he really does, in every sense and I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, given the circumstances, but he’s gonna be lost without you.” Her voice broke towards the end of the sentence which made Bucky’s eyes widen in shock. Wordlessly, he pulled her into a hug and squeezed her tightly. “Don’t tell anyone I cried though, okay?”
“Okay.”
“We all love you and we’re gonna miss you so much but Steve loves you a little bit more.”
“Then why doesn’t it feel like it?” he asked before walking off towards his apartment.
~
“Bucky!” Steve yelled as he opened the apartment door and looked around. The hall light was on so someone was in and it wasn’t likely to be Natasha or Clint. He repeated his friend’s name as he walked towards his bedroom, he opened to door to see Bucky packing his bag for leaving the following morning.
“Steve, you finally made it.” His voice was dripping with sarcasm and hurt but Steve needed to get this off his chest.
“I’m sorry, so sorry but I,”
“No, you know what, Steve? You’ve been really selfish! Nat was getting your encouragement on changing career plans but when I need you, my best friend, you don’t wanna hear it, why? I love the animals sure but I wanted to do something different and I don’t understand why you’re being like this!” Bucky had stopped packing and was glaring right at Steve now.
“You’re gonna be in danger and you’re my best friend, I don’t wanna lose you so I reacted badly but I am sorry I’m here because I wanted you to know that-“
“Sorry doesn’t fix everything does it? The last time, all four of us would be together for a while and you didn’t show.”
“I lo,” Steve began but Bucky interrupted, his anger increasing as their conversation continued.
“I am so angry at you right now, Steve, just please give me a minute.” He begged and Steve took a deep breath, he couldn’t leave without saying it and this chance wouldn’t come again for a while.
“I LOVE YOU!” Bucky stopped, the anger left his face but he didn’t speak or blink. Steve who was stood nervously, took this as a cue to continue. “I love you so much and I have since you saved me from Gilmore Hodge when we were five years old but you always looked at me as a little brother so I never said anything but I needed to say it out loud to you, just once.” The silence continued for too long.
“Please say something, Bucky.”
“I… Jesus, Steve, why now?”
“I don’t know, I’m sorry,” Bucky took a step towards Steve so he was stood in front of him and placed a hand on his neck and pulled him into an embrace.
“You little, Punk, why did you wait so long? Why?” he whispered into his head while he held him close. They stayed that way for as long as they could before Bucky had to continue packing but Steve helped, he always was better at that sort of thing and Bucky was best at leaving things until the very last minute.
They had a drink together before they went to bed and neither of them mentioned what had happened but it didn’t matter. It had been said.
The following morning, Steve woke up with Bucky and they had breakfast together. It was friendly but there was the lingering feeling in the air of sadness. It grew thicker when Bucky got his bag to leave and gave Steve a sad smile. The latter threw his arms around Bucky and held him tightly.
“Don’t do anything stupid while I’m away, Punk.”
“You’re taking all the stupid with you, Jerk.” He mumbled fondly into Bucky’s shoulder which shook with laughter. When Bucky pulled away, he pressed a kiss to Steve’s forehead before he left.
He was gone but Steve smiled to himself when he thought of the day he would come back to his home,
~
Time passed more slowly with Bucky gone although their Friday nights continued and they got easier. Now they just made memories which they would tell Bucky about when he came home.
“You can’t tell him that!” Steve protested, his face flushed with embarrassment and also due to the fact he was slightly drunk.
“Oh I will! Tony was all over you,” Natasha laughed at the memory of Tony flirting with Steve at the party he’d thrown, Steve didn’t know what to do so he just kept hiding but this proved difficult when Tony’s home computer, J.A.R.V.I.S kept telling him where Steve was.
“Nat, maybe you should go help Steve go shopping tomorrow, seeing as he’s struggling,” Clint chuckled and Steve flipped him off. Steve had recently gotten his muse back which meant he’d forgotten certain things and grocery shopping had been one. He’d been mainly living off takeaways and leftovers of takeaways.
“There’s no point, Bucky was the much better cook,”
“You still need to talk care of yourself, Steve, Bucky will go crazy if we let you wither away to nothing.” Clint was right, Bucky would be crazy angry if he didn’t take care of himself. He specifically told Steve to take care of himself so he would.
“Fine, we can go pick some stuff up tomorrow.” He agreed, holding his hands in mock surrender as the couple high-fived.
“Great, then we can cook something and watch movies.” Clint agreed.
“What movies?” The three of them shared a knowing look and became to smirk.
“Harry Potter!”
~
Steve was getting ready to go pick up some shopping with his friends when there was a knock at his front door. He opened it to find a man in a uniform stood there, Steve didn’t recognise him at all but the man held out his hand and introduced himself and Timothy Dugan.
“Are you Steve Rogers?”
“Yeah,” Steve answered slowly, still confused as to how this man knew who he was or where he lived.
“I’m a friend of James Barnes, we were in training together,”
“Oh hi, is he okay? Do you have a letter for me?” Steve asked in excitement, Bucky told people about him and this person had sought him out.
“Uh, no, we finished training and had to go on a sensitive mission to find a man called Arnim Zola who had been conducting human experiments. While we thought we had the element of surprise, they knew we were coming and began shooting. He and several others didn’t make it out and they weren’t recovered, I’m sorry, so sorry.” Steve couldn’t breathe. “He talked about you a lot and we were very good friends so I thought I’d tell you personally. I am so sorry for your loss.” Steve didn’t hear any of the last part the man had said, all he could hear was ‘He didn’t make it’ echoing around in his head like a scream in a cave but instead of getting fainter, it only got louder.
“Thank you for coming to find me and tell me personally.” Steve said but his voice was filled with pain and it was cracking.
Steve was cracking.
His heart was broken.
Not only was one of his last memories of Bucky, partially an argument but he wasn’t who he was meant to be with. Bucky Barnes wasn’t his soulmate.
“It’s fine, here’s my number in case you want to talk or somethin’. I am so sorry, again.” Steve took the paper and thanked him. Once the door was shut, he placed the number on the table and went into Bucky’s room.
It still smelt of him, he lingered in the air and he hoped he always would. There was the photo of the two of them as kids on his bedside table as well as one of him, Bucky, Natasha and Clint.
He had to tell them but he couldn’t.
How could he?
He walked over to Bucky’s wardrobe and pulled out his leather jacket, it was his favourite possession in the world. Slowly, Steve slid it on and wrapped it around him. It didn’t fit, it was too big by several sizes but that didn’t matter. He then slid onto Bucky’s bed, pulled a pillow to him and wrapped his arms around it as he inhaled deeply.
He faintly heard the door open and two voices fill his apartment but he couldn’t move.
“What the fuck, Rogers? I know you’re missing him but this is ridiculous.” Nat said as she approached the bed but when she saw Steve’s expression, she knew something was wrong. “Steve…?”
“He… a man came… Bucky had his first mission…” he trailed off but his shoulders began to shake which told the couple all they needed to know about the end of that sentence. They shared a glance before removing their coats and shoes to lay on the double bed with their friend. Natasha curled up behind Steve and Clint behind her. Not a thing was said but there were sobs coming from all three of them so they just held each other until they feel asleep with Bucky around them.
To be continued...