Chapter Text
Wednesdays, through some freak cosmic coincidence, were almost always "crazy villain" days for the Avengers. This week, the crazy villain had shown up on Tuesday, instead, and Wednesday had been declared "laze around the house" day at Tony Stark's Malibu mansion. The entire team, even Coulson, was there, since this week's crazy villain (an attention-starved teenager trying to style himself as a sort of Don Juan and calling himself The Love Machine, seriously) had attacked San Luis Obispo, just up the coast.
Tony had even convinced Steve to sleep in, which was rare enough to warrant not only mention but repeated mention on Tony's part, now that morning had edged into late morning and, instead of coffee and waffles for breakfast, Tony was now scarfing down coffee and waffles for brunch. Steve, of course, was drinking fresh-squeezed orange juice and milk, instead of coffee, and his waffles weren't literally covered with syrup. Tony was fond of having waffles with his syrup, instead of the other way around.
"Seriously, we could do this every day," Tony insisted, still pleading the case for sleeping in, or at least the case against getting up at oh-dark-thirty to jog on the beach. "Or most days. Days that we're both here, or both in New York, or… I don't know, just both in the same place."
Steve let Tony ramble on, because Tony always rambled on and there was really no point in trying to put a stop to the rambling. It only ended in frustration for all involved. "I like to run in the morning," he said, knowing full well that Tony would have a comeback.
And of course, Tony did. "Just move your concept of morning to late morning," he said, as if this was the most logical option and should be perfectly obvious to anyone. "Sleep in with me, and then go punish your body un-necessarily with cardiovascular torture."
Steve had to laugh at that, almost spitting out a mouthful of orange juice. "It's hardly punishment or torture! It's good for me. And I have to stay in shape."
Tony made a face. "Steve. Seriously? You couldn't get fat if you tried. I've seen your medical records. I have my own files. Your metabolism is ridiculous."
Steve grinned and hitched up one shoulder in acknowledgement of the truth of Tony's words. "Okay, but I still have to stay in shape. And I like running. It's…" He fished around for the right word. "It's exhilarating."
"Runner's high." Tony nodded and reached for his coffee cup again. "Crazy stupid biochemistry. Yours more than most."
Steve shook his head, grinning again around a mouthful of waffles. "Crazy fast," he corrected after he swallowed.
"Fast, strong, enhanced, whatever. Crazy." Tony pointed his fork at Steve. "Also? Fucking hot. But why can't you be crazy fucking hot at ten instead of at six-thirty."
Steve laughed again. "Why can't you find me crazy, uh… hot at six-thirty instead of ten?" he countered, and Tony snickered when he self-censored Tony's language.
"Because," Tony pointed out, again as if it should be blatantly obvious, "Six-thirty in the morning is inherently evil, and should be banned from existence. Unless," and again, he pointed his fork at Steve. "Unless six-thirty in the morning is the time you're going to bed."
"Inherently evil!" Steve gave up trying to eat. There would be either choking or food spit onto the table, otherwise. "How can a time of day be inherently evil?" He should've known better than to ask, too. Tony didn't need the encouragement.
"If you need to ask, then there's no way you're gonna understand, Cap." Tony just grinned, looking smug, and Steve was left wondering how he'd lost that round so neatly. "There are many ways, and one of the most obvious involves being a time before ten a.m. at which one is required to wake up."
Steve sat back, grinning and drawing patterns in the condensation on his milk glass. "I'm not required—"
"Then why in hell would you get up at six fucking thirty in the morning when you could instead be in bed with me?" Tony spread his arms wide, daring Steve to come up with a rebuttal of his unassailable logic.
Steve shook his head and laughed out loud, holding up both hands in surrender. "Okay, okay, I give! In bed with you is infinitely preferable to not in bed with you, at oh-six-thirty or at any time, inherently evil or not."
Tony's smug grin grew wider, and he sat back, nodding. "Of course it is," he agreed. "I'm glad you understand my clearly superior point of view."
His phone chirped a priority incoming text message as he finished speaking, and he reached for it, just as Steve's phone also beeped a priority alert tone. They were both out of their chairs, food forgotten on the table, even before they read the alerts. S.H.I.E.L.D. only sent priority alerts to more than one team member when the Avengers were needed.
****
With the entire team already at the mansion, it wasn't long before their jump jet was in the air, everyone suited up, Mach 1 (and 2 and 3) long since left behind as the jet carried them all towards New York City.
"Seriously, why do the crazies always go for New York?" Clint asked from the pilot's seat. "It's like there's some kind of super-villain beacon in Times Square or something."
"Is there such a beacon?" Thor leaned forward towards the cockpit. "Why would such a device exist?"
Tony rolled his eyes and Clint tried to stifle a laugh. For all the team's efforts to bring both Steve and Thor up-to-date on 21st Century technology on Earth, there were some things that still escaped Thor's grasp. At least, Tony thought, Steve knew better – in fact, Steve was carefully staring at the flooring between his boots and biting his lower lip in an effort to keep from chuckling.
"Sarcasm, big guy," Tony said, clapping a gauntlet to Thor's shoulder. "We don't have any super-villain beacons. We have technology and people and places that seem to attract the baddies – the Tesseract, for example – but it's not on purpose."
Thor looked relieved and concerned at the same time. "Ah. That is good, then."
Tony reached over to pat Steve's back as Steve was taken with a sudden coughing fit, and Clint lost the battle to contain his snickers. Even Bruce was grinning, and only Natasha managed to keep a straight face. Thor, being the giant puppy and good sport that he was, gave a rueful grin of his own. "You have caught me out again, Iron Man."
Tony just grinned and gave a short bow. "It's a talent. Can't help myself. Honestly, I don't even try."
"He really doesn't," Steve confirmed, looking up finally, his eyes bright with amusement. "Not at all."
****
The flight from Malibu to New York City took less than an hour. They could see the fight from miles out, and Clint dropped to subsonic speeds as they came in over the water. Steve reached for the controls to open the back hatch. "Iron Man, Thor, you're up first. We'll see you on the ground."
Tony nodded and his faceplate snapped into place. Thor stepped forward, Mjölnir at the ready. As soon as the back hatch was open, they were both gone, and Clint swung the jet around to find a landing spot even before the hatch sealed shut again.
The fighting on the ground was fierce, heavy, and oddly without any obvious intent other than simply to cause as much destruction as possible. The aggressors were unidentifiable – no known uniforms or markings, no clear affiliation, no leader obvious on the ground. Steve found himself losing track of the others, though it was easier to spot Iron Man and Hulk than anyone else. By the time he realized that his attackers were using corralling tactics and not actually trying to take him out, he was well and truly separated from the rest of the team.
"SitRep!" he called over the Avengers' comm. Line, wanting an update. If he was being segregated, the others probably were in the same situation. Their attackers seemed to be using divide-and-conquer tactics.
One by one, everyone reported in – Hulk's report consisted of a grunt and the sound of something being utterly destroyed. Before Iron Man could finish his snarky comments about the horrible fashion sense displayed by 'the bad news ninjas', a wash of red light flared in Steve's vision, every nerve ending in his body fired with paincoldhotpressurepain, and then everything went black.
"Cap? Come on, Cap, that was funny." Iron Man settled to the blacktop and frowned as the bad news ninjas started to break off their attacks. "Widow, to your left, incoming. Cap?"
Natasha turned and took the head off the ninja sneaking up on her, and one of Clint's arrows took out another coming up on her other side. Tony registered both hits, but his attention was sudden on the fact that Captain America wasn't answering his comm.
"Cap? Captain America, report in." There was no response, and Tony swore viciously over the open comm. Iron Man was in the air in a heartbeat.
"Avengers, Captain America is out of radio contact. Repeat, Cap is not responding. Can anyone see him? J.A.R.V.I.S., find..."
"I am already scanning," J.A.R.V.I.S. cut in before Tony could finish. "I do not see Captain Rogers, and I am not able to get a location on either his transponder or his shield." Even J.A.R.V.I.S. sounded worried.
Tony swore again, even more viciously. "Does anyone have a visual on Cap?"
The negative reports came in, and Tony's blood ran cold. He opened his mouth to give orders, already gaining altitude to expand his search parameters. "J.A.R.V.I.S.—"
Fury's voice across the comm interrupted him. "Avengers, we are reading a massive energy burst ten miles out from the Island. Readings are consistent with a portal."
Tony was heading in that direction before Fury finished speaking, teeth clenched against steadily increasing g-forces. "Full power to—" he began, and J.A.R.V.I.S. interrupted with "Already done." Tony could see the portal, could see the pale blur of sand on the other side, but the portal was closing. He tried to get more power from the suit, but J.A.R.V.I.S. had already dialled it up to maximum. He wasn't going to make it in time, even at better than Mach 1.
The portal winked out of existence just seconds before Iron Man barrelled through the now-empty space where the portal had been. Tony's howl of denial echoed across the comm.
Fury's voice cut through the silence that followed. "Avengers, stand down and return to base. S.H.I.E.L.D. will handle cleanup. Repeat, stand down and return to base."
Tony flew straight up, swearing and fighting the urge to ignore Fury and just go find Steve, even though he knew that he couldn't, not now, not by himself. Swearing again, he changed trajectory and headed back towards land. The sooner they started looking for Steve, the sooner they'd find him.