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what would be of his life had he not fallen into the abyss? childe would ponder the prospect every now and then whenever his mind had too little to think about and busy itself with. such a thought eventually struck you, and you too wondered if it would've been easier for him had you been drawn in with him. of course, you'd never let another soul know about it and completely misunderstand you - the least you wanted was to have suffered something as tragic as your lover did, because chances were you wouldn't have come alive to tell like he did.
even so, would he feel better about sharing his tribulations with you had you been by his side through such a dreary period of his life? would he feel you understand him better, without even having to avoid explaining himself? would he not hold back whenever he so shallowly depicted the horrors that haunted him ever since?
all of that would forever be a mere thought of yours; one dares to say a futile hope. he'd told you so himself; that his love for you was like a constant unaffected by any other variable in the equation of your future, present, and your past. you'd answered the same back then, unwaveringly so. tonight served as a reminder of your oath, as he found himself gravitating into your soft touch and tender words.
the eleventh of the fatui harbingers, reduced to sporadic gasps and scorching hot tears.
tonight's nightmare had been far too graphic, even for a man with an insatiable bloodlust. yet, it was too much because it concerned you. despite his eyes were open, it felt as though your screams tore through the bedroom of your shared cottage in morepesok, haunting his already buzzing brain. it was as if your blood still splattered in front of his eyes, like you were lifelessly falling to your knees on the cold wooden floorboards with your eyes wide open. after the mighty foe that took you from him in that dream had been spared the same fate by his own hands, it was too late.
it was all too real how your body warmth dwindled in his lap, your hair was soft against his rough hands that cradled your head in your last moments. you were beyond saving; it was too late. perhaps, what disturbed him the most was how you mustered the faintest of smiles as you bid him farewell, choking on your words from the exertion of speaking after being dealt as fatal a blow. it was most certainly something you would do, and it made him even more frightened. was this truly a mere illusion? he begged and pleaded, begged and pleaded for any possible deity that could listen to him to grant him a final wish, from even the deepest hellhole in teyvat, as useless as it might've been.
goosebumps littered his arms as they stretched across the bed, the sheets' coolness making him queasy. the young man known as tartaglia sat upright, eyes like the ocean quickly darting to all corners of the dark room. his breath hitched at your absence, prompting him to get on his feet. everything was a blur to him; his feet halfway into the fluffy slippers you got him some months ago, his shirt suddenly too little to shield him from the cold. he traversed the dark hallway, panic bubbling in his chest once he flicked on the light to an empty living room. where could you possibly be? wasn't it too late into the night for you to be out? hadn't you told him you hate going out by yourself at this hour?
ajax's brain was muddled with possibilities followed by endless pessimistic outcomes. hot tears streaked his cheeks at the mental image of you in pain, all alone somewhere dark with no hope of being found. just as he felt that time. unconsciously, his feet had carried him back to the bedroom. his breathing was shallow, quick; and his heart was nearly beating out of his chest. when he softly called your name in the cold and dark house, his usual frivolous tone was replaced with an extremely out of character fear.
it is said all planets orbit the sun, not the other way around. after so many years of having you by his side, ajax realized you were that massive fireball that dictates during daylight; and that he was mercury, the planet closest to it. he was gravitationally bound to you, and could not imagine - no, he could not - bearing a life without you so close to him.
"ajax? what's wrong?"
your voice seemed to cut through all of his thoughts at once. the way his true name rolled off your tongue was as though you brought back all light and warmth into the once frigid house. he scrambled to the source of the sound, hands grasping your shirt before he could even register it. he nuzzled his face into your neck, pressing you impossibly close to him in a bone-crushing embrace that stunned you. still, in no time, your arms looped around his waist as you let him weep on your shoulder, your strength being the only thing to hold him upright.
his frame shook while you slowly guided him to sit on the bed you shared, lean arms tightening around your body. for a while, you didn't question him and simply let him unwind. but when he calmed down, you reached for the glass of water you always brought to the bedside table, bringing it to his parted lips, despite the way he gripped you even harder. your thumb wiped a stray tear from his cheek, pressing your forehead to his once the empty glass returned to its rightful position.
"do you want to tell me what's wrong?" your lips grazed his with the words, before you softly pressed them together in a chaste kiss. "i am right here for you, ajax; and i'm not leaving any time soon."
"i thought i lost you," his voice was barely above a whisper, as if it would be spoken into existence if uttered a bit louder. "it was a really bad dream," his voice cracked and he sighed before continuing. "you and i... we were in the abyss and you... you died and i..."
"but i'm here in one piece, right? i'm here with you now and nothing can hurt us, right?" your voice was soft, your heart breaking due to seeing him so shaken up. he nodded slowly, the rise and fall of his chest beginning to even out. "i didn't see you in bed so i thought..."
"i was in the bathroom all this time, silly. i'm not leaving you even if they offered me the elixir to eternity," you chuckled. your hand stroked the mess of apricot atop his head, rearranging stray locks into place with nimble fingers. he basked in your warmth, the shoulders that were once taut now slouched within your arms. "thank you," he mumbled prior to kissing you again.
you gently convinced him it wasn't the best idea to not bury yourselves under the duvet in spite of how comfortable the position you were in felt. once you accommodated yourselves though, his vice grip took ahold of your waist. your hand went to the nape of his neck, toying with the short bundles of hair close to it with your fingertips. "i love you so, so, so much. whenever you need me, i'll be there for you, ajax," your heart constricted with a dull ache as he snuggled further into you.
"i'd do anything for you. i love you too," his lips moved against your skin, his lashes fawning over your neck. your heartbeat thrummed in his ears, and he tried to match his breathing the slow and lethargic pace of your own. his stomach wasn't churning anymore, and his eyes finally shut. "i love you," ajax repeated in your mother tongue. "i love you."
you dotingly rubbed circles on his back at a snail's pace, humming one of your favorite lullabies under your breath. you could only hope you really were of comfort to his pain, as you wanted nothing less. little did you know, the harbinger felt relief beyond words that he was back into orbit; that he was close to the sun once again. the light of the sun had steadied him on his track for the millionth time again.