Archive of Our Own

greek mythology has it that all humans once had four arms, four legs and two faces. beings so powerful that even the gods feared them. enough to split them into two separate parts, condemning each half to spend the rest of their fleeting lives in search of the other. 

soulmates.

namjoon thinks this is where people’s warped perception of love stems from. the notion that you can’t be whole on your own. 

so when seokjin quietly says, “you’re my soulmate,” he’s not quite sure what to reply. 

it’s almost 9pm and namjoon has found himself at yet another one of his friends’ engagement parties, hiding away in the quiet of the balcony. 

engagements have felt a little bittersweet for some time now. 

he’s not too sure why. maybe because someone always feels the need to bring up the unnecessary question of when will this be you and namjoon knows it’s never asked with malicious intentions, but he tells himself one can answer the same question only so many times before it gets old.

what he’s not so willing to admit is that it’s at the forefront of his thoughts even if nobody around him brings it up. because here he is, watching yet another one of his friends start this new chapter of their lives with their loved ones from the sidelines. 

maybe namjoon is just tired of being on the sidelines. 

though he can’t find it in himself to complain too much when his plus one is always seokjin. 

and it’s mostly about not being alone. the comfort that comes with having someone who knows when to swoop in and save you from yet another pointless conversation just from a look. but it’s also about how easily seokjin does it. how he effortlessly catches the attention of everyone in the room, taking the spotlight off of namjoon.

seokjin is always there to metaphorically hold his hand and it’s a bonus that he looks good while doing it.

so how they’ve found themselves standing on the balcony, separated from everyone else, is no surprise to namjoon.

it’s quieter here, even with the unintelligible chatter from inside in the background. 

quiet enough for namjoon to be able to think. and yet that proves to be hard whenever seokjin is around. 

in a way namjoon brought this upon himself when he asked him what he thought of his friend’s speech. a speech that was essentially exactly about that— cheesy lines and metaphors about finding her soulmate. 

“don’t you think that’s a bit of an outdated concept? having a soulmate?” namjoon asked him, unable to hide the skepticism in his voice. “it’s a flawed myth, you know. not only does it reinforce the idea that we need another person to somehow be complete, but also that human beings have fixed personalities. that we remain unchanging throughout our lives.”

seokjin had this knowing smile on his face, like he’d anticipated everything that came out of namjoon’s mouth and then he just shrugged.

namjoon thought that was the end of the conversation until a few minutes later.

you’re my soulmate. 

the words are delivered like a soft blow to his stomach. 

“so you believe in all of that?” namjoon asks.

seokjin lets out a soft chuckle.

“no,” he shakes his head, finally sparing namjoon a glance when he says, “but i believe in you.” 

it’s a stupid little thing. how his heart does a flip. how for a second he questions all his beliefs. 

they don’t say anything more. namjoon lets the words set in his chest and seokjin doesn’t mind. silence embraces them once again. 

namjoon doesn’t believe in soulmates.

but he believes in seokjin too. 

❧

when namjoon and seokjin hang out on thursday evening, after two glasses of wine, seokjin brings out a puzzle. it’s one of a famous monet painting he claims to have seen in the display window of a bookshop while walking home from work. 

he says he bought it with the thought that namjoon would like it. he does. 

two additional wine glasses in and they’re not even halfway done with putting it together. 

“this piece,” seokjin picks up a piece of the puzzle, showing it to namjoon and then tries putting it next to another one. “goes here.” 

“i don’t think…” namjoon trails off when seokjin raises his hand to stop him from pointing out the obvious. that piece clearly doesn’t go there. 

for a second he looks defeated but then his face lights up when he spots another piece that might fit. namjoon tries and fails to hold in his laughter when he proves to be wrong again. 

“i’m glad you’re having fun,” he mutters, sending a glare namjoon’s way. 

“oh, you have no idea,” namjoon teases. “it’s a different kind of joy watching you lose.”

it earns him an eye roll and a very sarcastic sounding laugh from seokjin. 

there’s quiet music playing in the background, one of namjoon’s many playlists setting the mood just right. the floor is warm where he sits, and when he leans back on his hands to look around himself, a feeling of nostalgia sets deep in his chest. this reminds him of their university days. 

their small dingy apartments have been a thing of the past for a long while now, but the little, important things have stayed the same. namjoon remembers his evenings just like this. 

music, a bottle of alcohol and seokjin. 

“i really am having fun though,” he admits honestly. “i haven’t felt this relaxed in weeks.” 

seokjin hums quietly in agreement. 

“what did you do today?” he asks. 

namjoon doesn’t have to think hard to come up with a summary of his day, “i woke up late and then spent my afternoon at dal.” 

dal, his coffee shop, is where namjoon has found himself spending most of his time lately. it’s a space he put a piece of his soul into– books lining up the walls and the smell of fresh coffee always in the air. 

managing dal was once something he did on the side. now he finds most comfort when he’s behind the bar, the work serving as a welcome distraction. it keeps him busy enough to stop him from thinking about what he should be doing instead.

writing. 

for namjoon, the problem with being a writer is that he doesn’t want to be one. 

at least not in the sense he’s expected to be. 

“are you doing it again?” seokjin asks, without looking up from the puzzle.

“doing what?”

seokjin glances at him, “compensating.”

namjoon sighs, finding it useless to argue. they both know it to be the truth. 

“i just never thought i’d experience burnout at the crisp age of twenty five ,” he puts dramatic emphasis on his age. 

this is something that’s been heavily weighing on his heart for the better half of the past year. he hasn’t openly spoken to seokjin about it, but he assumes he figured it out on his own. 

what was once a fun hobby, a way for him to deal with emotions that were easier to spill on a piece of paper than be talked about out loud, has turned into something that causes him sorrow and anger . a spark that has died. 

namjoon has never been quite good at dealing with loss. 

“you know you’re fine, right?” 

“what?”

namjoon looks up, catching seokjin’s gaze.

“even if you never write another word again,” seokjin says slowly. “you’re fine.” 

he says it with such resolution that namjoon almost believes him. just almost .

“what are you saying, hyung?” he chuckles bitterly. “i should be able to write. it’s what i’m supposed to do.” 

"according to who?"

namjoon makes a small disbelieving sound in the back of his throat and he raises his hands up, gesturing around, “i don’t know. everyone? my publicist? those who like my books?” 

“joon-ah, why did you start writing?” seokjin asks as he leans back on the couch, his full attention on him now. 

“i realised it was something i enjoyed doing.”

the answer comes easily because it’s always been that simple. 

once upon a time namjoon found enjoyment in writing. 

how his luck turned when his first book got published is something he still doesn’t understand. but enough people loved it to show up when he published a second one too. it was sometime after that when he realised that might’ve been it. that he suddenly had no more fuel. 

the money was good enough to allow him to open up dal though, and that is something namjoon thanks the stars for every night. 

“and what about now? do you still enjoy it?” 

namjoon anticipated this question but he still feels a little winded when seokjin asks. he hates how the answer comes just as easily as before. 

because no . no he doesn’t . and that’s essentially the whole problem. 

“you don’t have to do anything that’s not enjoyable, you know?” seokjin doesn’t wait for him to answer, because he, too, already knows. “there are only a handful of things in life you have to do no matter what. and quite fortunately, you have the luxury to pick and choose whatever else you want to do. don’t you think it would be a shame to waste that by doing something you’ve no desire of doing?” 

he’s got this smile on his face, sweet and gentle, and it makes namjoon feel like he can breathe a little easier again. 

“don’t do something you’ll resent yourself for later on. don’t let it turn bitter,” he continues softly. “you wrote these two amazing books that ended up being well received by the public because people knew you wrote them with love. it’s as simple as that. so don’t let it become something you feel obligated to do, it was never about that for you. you love writing . let it stay like that.” he pauses, letting his words settle. “and if there’s a time when you can sit down and write even ten words without wanting to crawl into a hole then good.”

seokjin gives him a pointed look, that same comforting smile gracing his features. “and if not,” he shrugs. “then also good.” 

namjoon can’t hold back his smile even with the way his chest tightens at the thought of never being able to write again because seokjin, as always, is right. 

“maybe you should write a book,” namjoon jokes, trying to ease up some of the tension.

“i do possess the wisdom required,” seokjin nods his head, a look of serious contemplation on his face. “but not the writing skills, i’m afraid.” 

namjoon chuckles, shaking his head. then he reaches for the puzzle piece he’s been eyeing for the past fifteen minutes, and slides it towards seokjin.

“hey, that’s the one i’ve been looking for.”

❧

sometime in the middle of the week namjoon gets a call from seokjin. it’s nothing out of the ordinary, really. 

except seokjin sounds like the weight of the world has been dumped on his shoulders. his voice is hoarse and low, namjoon can barely hear him through the phone. he sounds the kind of tired sleep doesn’t help with and namjoon can only guess it has to do with the same case he’s been working on for the past couple of weeks. 

part of being a lawyer means seeing all sorts of unpleasant things. so seokjin tends to keep his career and personal life separate. says it’s the only way he can work with a clear head. but sometimes those lines get blurred and it all becomes a little bit too much, even for someone like seokjin, who namjoon has always admired for facing most things in life with a carefree attitude. 

so in those moments namjoon tries to be a little gentler and talks a little sweeter. he keeps seokjin on the phone long enough to distract him from whatever anxieties he’s having. long enough to hear him laugh again. 

in the end seokjin says a quiet thank you and namjoon pretends not to know what he’s being thanked for.

❧

seokjin has never had much trouble when it comes to dating. 

namjoon remembers how even in high school people would always gravitate towards him, and though he was getting asked out left and right, seokjin has always been picky about who he lets in. a part of namjoon still wonders what it was about him that made seokjin let him linger around. 

despite everything, seokjin has only ever dated people casually. he jokes he hasn’t found anyone good enough to be a long term partner. 

though in namjoon’s eyes nobody will ever be quite good enough for seokjin.

“be nice to him,” seokjin warns them, pointing a threatening finger in jimin’s direction. 

jimin raises his hands up in defence, nodding his head and namjoon finds himself nodding along when seokjin turns to point at him. 

“especially you,” seokjin says, scrunching his brows. “no weird questions.” 

“hyung, he’s just coming here to pick you up,” jimin says, looking amused by seokjin’s obvious distress. “that gives us barely any time to embarrass you, so don’t worry. we’ll save it for later.” 

seokjin in turn doesn’t look amused at all. 

namjoon can’t remember the last time he was this nervous to introduce them to the person he’s dating. sungho and him are going on their fifth date today and seokjin deemed it the appropriate time for them to meet. 

which is why sungho’s picking him up from namjoon’s coffee shop. seokjin mentioned something about how it would be better if they met under unofficial circumstances . 

just a little you’re here to pick me up? oh, by the way, these are my best friends. they’re known for scaring people off. the scariest one is actually not here though, so you can breathe. 

namjoon thinks the only person that’s scared is seokjin himself. 

“it’s going to be fine, hyung,” namjoon tries to sound comforting. “we’re not going to say anything out of line. i promise.” 

seokjin still doesn’t look very convinced but he lets out a deep sigh and nods once, “okay.” 

the coffee shop isn’t particularly crowded, but it rarely is this time of day. especially during the week. the morning hours are always the busiest and then the crowds of people slowly thin out leaving just the few regulars who, much like namjoon, prefer the peace and quiet, and the sleep deprived students, on their third cups of coffee, busy typing away on their laptops probably struggling to meet yet another deadline.

namjoon definitely doesn’t miss uni.

jimin on the other hand is one of them. 

“if i don’t finish this paragraph before jungkook arrives, he might just kill me,” jimin says, huffing out an annoyed breath. “or worse. break up with me.” 

“i always admire your priorities, jimin-ah,” seokjin comments absentmindedly, a little distracted by whatever he’s typing on his phone. 

namjoon wonders if he’s texting sungho. 

“i wouldn’t mind dying at his mercy if it was out of love.”

“you’re insane.” 

“insanely in love,” jimin says with a quick wink, causing namjoon to chuckle. 

suddenly seokjin gets up from his chair at the bar and looks frantically between namjoon and jimin, “he’s here.” 

“calm down, hyung,” jimin laughs. 

“okay, yes, i will,” seokjin says and sits back down, rubbing his hands over his thighs, as if to smooth out any wrinkles on his pants.

namjoon can practically feel the nervous energy radiating off of him, and he’d be just as amused as jimin, if it wasn’t for the nagging feeling in the pits of his stomach.

namjoon can’t remember the last time seokjin was this serious about the person he was dating, and what scares him the most is that the reason for that might be because it’s never happened before. this is something unfamiliar. 

the door to the coffee shop swings open, causing the little bell overhead to ding , and in comes sungho. a smile overtakes his features when he spots seokjin and he walks up to him, greeting him with a hug and a quick kiss. 

the first thing namjoon notices is that sungho is good looking. the typical image of a handsome man– wide shoulders, defined jaw, sharp eyes. he’s tall, maybe a centimeter or two shorter than seokjin, which namjoon notes in his head means he’s shorter than him as well. 

if that fills him with a strange sense of pride, he’s not willing to admit it. 

the second thing he notices is how easily seokjin and sungho gravitate towards each other. it makes the uneasy feeling in his stomach turn green. 

he only realises he’s been staring when sungho politely bows to him and offers his hand, which namjoon takes, bowing slightly and shaking it firmly with a smile. 

“i’m sungho,” he says. “it’s nice to meet you namjoon-ssi, i’ve heard a lot about you.” 

namjoon widens his smile and sneaks a glance at seokjin who’s carefully watching their exchange before he says, “well, i could say the same about you. it’s nice to meet you too, sungho-ssi.” 

“and that over there is jimin,” seokjin cuts in then, gesturing towards jimin, who’s been sitting at one of the tables that’s closest to the counter. 

jimin bows politely and sungho returns the gesture, the kind smile on his face still intact. 

“ah, the whole gang's here,” says sungho, turning to face seokjin with a questioning gaze. “except for one, right?”

“yes,” seokjin says with a somewhat nervous chuckle. “he’s coming a little bit later, so you’ll probably get to meet him next time.” 

“jungkookie is a delight,” jimin’s eyes glint with mischief. “i can ask him if he can hurry up and get here before you two leave, if you want to meet him?” 

sungho is about to say something, when seokjin jumps in while simultaneously jumping up from his chair, “that’s fine jimin-ah, no need to make him rush. we have a dinner reservation to get to anyway, we can’t be late.” 

“careful hyung, one might think you’re purposefully trying to avoid him,” jimin says innocently. 

namjoon has the common decency to not laugh at seokjin’s reddening ears. 

“brat,” seokjin whisper-shouts at him, making sungho chuckle. 

“sungho-ssi, don’t worry. jungkook can be a little intense sometimes, but that’s only because he’s protective of his friends,” namjoon steps in to try and help his best friend out. “hyung is just a little nervous about us embarrassing him.” 

“i get it,” sungho says with a warm smile, taking seokjin’s hand in his own and squeezing it. “i doubt there’s anything anyone could say that would change my mind about him though.” 

seokjin’s ears are positively red now.

“okay, we should go now before jungkook actually shows up and makes you take back your words,” he says, as he picks up his jacket from the counter. 

“well, it was nice meeting you both,” sungho says with a little bow. “i hope next time we can spend more time together.” 

“so do we,” jimin says, offering him a kind smile and sending a wink seokjin’s way, that makes sungho laugh and seokjin shake his head. 

“joon-ah, don’t forget to call your mom this evening,” seokjin turns to him, before they can leave. “and also tell her i miss her.” 

“i will, i will,” namjoon smiles, waving him off. 

he watches as they make their way outside. sungho reaches back for him and seokjin intertwines their hands once again, and then they’re gone, the sound of the bell the last trace of them ever being here. 

namjoon keeps looking even then, at nothing in particular, the image of them together still fresh in his mind. meeting seokjin’s partners always leaves him feeling a bit strange. a bit empty. 

and this time around a bit fearful.  

“how many times?” 

jimin’s voice brings him out of his daze, and when he turns his way, jimin is already looking at him. there’s a hint of sadness in his eyes. 

“what?”

“how many times are you going to watch him walk away holding someone else’s hand?”

the question lands like a soft punch to his stomach, taking some of his breath away.  

it’s more of a rhetorical one, the kind that doesn’t necessarily need to be answered. not that namjoon could answer it, even if he tried. what it implies is what always renders him speechless. 

he doesn’t get to think about it too much though, because the door to the coffee shop opens, catching his attention. he turns towards it just in time to see a familiar face walk in. 

“yoongi-ssi,” namjoon greets the man that’s become one of their regulars over the course of the last few months. 

they’ve gotten to know each other in the past couple of months through the random conversations they have whenever yoongi comes in without work to do. namjoon has learned that he’s a music producer who gave up caffeine two years ago after being borderline addicted to it since he was a teenager. yoongi says he comes to dal for the atmosphere and the blueberry muffins. 

yoongi nods at him once with a small smile as a way of greeting, “you’re working today?”

“yeah, you know i like the slow afternoons,” namjoon says, already taking out a cup for him. “should i get you your regular?” 

“i’ll actually have an iced americano today,” yoongi tells him as he sits down on the bar stool that was previously preoccupied by seokjin. “make it to go.”

“yah yoongi-ssi, when did you switch back to caffeine?” namjoon teases, but he starts preparing his order. 

“it’s not for me,” yoongi says, a slight blush appearing on his cheeks. “it’s for my boyfriend. he’s working late today so i’m bringing him his favourite coffee.”

what namjoon also knows about yoongi is that he’s completely in love with, as he described it that one night when they were drinking, a boy whose smile outshines the sun.  

“that’s sweet of you,” namjoon smiles at him, trying not to coo with how yoongi’s blush appears to be a shade darker now. he’s also refusing to meet namjoon’s eyes. 

they make small talk while namjoon prepares the drink. 

“will that be all?” he asks when he hands him the iced americano. 

“can you throw a blueberry muffin in there?” yoongi says after a beat. 

namjoon just smiles at him, shaking his head a little and he picks up two blueberry muffins and puts them in a little paper bag for him. when he gives them to yoongi, he’s met with a raised brow. 

“they’re on the house,” namjoon winks at him. “enjoy one with your boyfriend, i know you like them.” 

yoongi chuckles, accepting the little gift and handing over the money for the iced americano to namjoon. “thank you, namjoon-ssi. have a good day.”

“you too,” namjoon waves after him and then he’s gone. 

the next hour is fairly peaceful. namjoon serves three more customers that come in after yoongi and jimin manages to finish his assignment right before jungkook arrives to pick him up. 

“aren’t you arriving from uni?” namjoon raises a brow when jungkook walks in looking way more put together than he usually is after a long day of classes. 

“i ran home to get ready, that’s why i’m late,” jungkook answers while walking over to jimin. he leans down and presses a quick kiss to his lips, saying hi baby and then he looks at namjoon again, “why?” 

namjoon shrugs, “you look good.”

“don’t i always look good?”

“no?” 

jungkook rolls his eyes, and pokes his tongue out at namjoon, making jimin laugh. 

“you always look good to me,” jimin says, to which jungkook responds by leaning down and kissing him again. 

namjoon just looks away. 

“so, where are you two going?” he asks conversationally, while wiping down the counter where he noticed it was wet from the ice. 

“to the cinema,” jimin answers innocently, pretending to be too busy with putting his things in his bag to avoid meeting namjoon’s eyes. 

“oh no.”

“oh yes,” jungkook smirks, rubbing his palms together. “today is the day, i can feel it.”

namjoon gives him an unimpressed look, “you said that the last three times.”

“the last three times i didn’t have a strategy.”

even jimin lets out a snort at that. jungkook gives him a questioning look. 

“what strategy, baby?” jimin asks with a pout. “you turn into a babbling mess whenever he says something to you, and then i have to do all the wooing.” 

jungkook looks genuinely offended by that, but he doesn’t protest and that’s how namjoon knows that jimin hit the nail on the head. 

“if you just let me ask him out, he would’ve been in our bed two weeks ago,” jimin continues with a shrug of his shoulders. 

“oh because that for sure wouldn’t have scared him off,” jungkook scoffs. “how would you feel if a couple approached you and asked you out?”

“if they were as attractive as us i wouldn’t mind at all,” jimin smirks and despite how jungkook rolls his eyes in annoyance, his expression still softens and he smiles. 

“i’m just saying,” he grabs one of jimin’s hands and starts rubbing circles on it with his thumb. “it isn’t as easy as just getting him in bed. we like the guy. i don’t want to scare him off, and i know you don’t either.” 

“of course i don’t baby,” jimin looks up at jungkook with so much love in his eyes, it makes namjoon feel like he’s intruding by just being there. “i was exaggerating when i said that. i just think we should be a little bit more forward about it.”

“i feel so bad for this guy for having to deal with you two,” namjoon finally speaks up, a hint of amusement in his voice. 

“taehyung is actually delighted whenever we pop up at his workplace, thank you very much,” jimin informs him, jutting out his chin in pride. “so your opinion is irrelevant.” 

“last time he even gave us extra popcorn,” jungkook adds. 

“cute,” namjoon comments, still amused.

“say what you want but,” jungkook points a finger at him. “next time you see me, i’ll have two boyfriends.” 

jimin just sighs, and gets up from his chair, putting on his jacket quickly. 

“good luck with that,” namjoon says in a teasing tone, but he’s being sincere. 

jungkook and jimin have been crushing on jimin’s uni friend for a while now and they’ve spent more money than they’d ever admit at the cinema he works at, just to have the chance to talk to him. 

“let’s just make sure you don’t embarrass us,” jimin says as kindly as he can as he puts an arm around jungkook’s waist and nudges him forward. 

“you think i’m embarrassing?” jungkook frowns. 

“no, not me.” 

“then who?”

“seokjin-hyung,” namjoon says under his breath. 

“what?” 

“nothing baby, we’re joking,” jimin shushes him and namjoon tries hard to keep in his laughter when jungkook’s frown deepens. 

“have fun,” he winks at them. 

“you’ll be okay, hyung?” jimin asks seriously, just as they’re about to leave. 

namjoon nods and gives him a reassuring smile.

they both wave at him and then he watches as they leave hand in hand, much like seokjin and sungho did earlier.

it’s weird. namjoon was more than overjoyed when jungkook and jimin sat them down and announced that after two years of excruciatingly painful and sexually charged mutual pining (jimin’s words, not his) they were finally together. 

jungkook and jimin were a long time coming. 

yet a part of him feels hollow watching them like this. 

namjoon doesn’t like putting names to his feelings. not when they will only bring him closer to a reality he’s not prepared to face. 

but he recognises this feeling plain and simple. 

it’s anger towards himself for not having the courage to do what jungkook and jimin did. 

❧

later, when he’s at home, namjoon doesn’t rush to get ready for bed. instead he sits on his balcony, waiting for a call he knows is coming. 

“you’re still awake?” is what seokjin says to him when namjoon picks up the phone. 

“i’m not tired,” namjoon lies. 

it’s not that late, the clock reading 23:31 the last time namjoon checked it, but he’s had a long day and under different circumstances he would’ve been fast asleep by now. 

seokjin always calls him after he goes on a date though, and namjoon hates to admit that he probably wouldn’t have been able to fall asleep without hearing how it went even if he tried. 

seokjin hums and then asks, “did you call your mom?” 

“i did,” namjoon chuckles, because of course that’s the first thing he asks about. “she said she misses you too and we should visit them soon unless we want her to think we don’t care about her.” 

seokjin laughs, loud and deep, and the sound makes a dimpled smile stretch upon namjoon’s face. 

“we should really visit them soon,” he says. 

“we should,” namjoon agrees. there’s a short silence and then he speaks again, “so, how was the date? you two were together for a long time.” 

namjoon can hear the smile in seokjin’s voice when he answers, “it was really good, joon-ah. we didn’t do anything special but he’s so easy to talk to that i always forget about everything around me. we just have fun together.” 

namjoon chuckles at how quickly he’s talking, clearly excited to tell him about it. 

“were you at dinner until now?” 

“no, we came back to my place two hours ago.” 

namjoon hopes the way his breath stutters isn’t audible through the phone. 

“oh?” 

“yes,” seokjin drags out the word. “but nothing happened. he had to leave because he has work tomorrow morning.” 

namjoon leans forward on his elbows, pressing the phone tightly to his ear. he looks out into the distance where the night sky is covered with thick clouds, making sure no star shines through. 

“but if he didn’t have work..” namjoon trails off, feeling too awkward to finish his question. 

“oh yeah,” seokjin chuckles. “i think we’ve waited long enough. plus i feel safe with him and if i go by what we’ve done so far, i’d say he knows what he’s doing.” 

namjoon doesn’t respond to that. can’t find it in him to say something when it feels like his throat is just going to close up around whatever words he tries to get past it. seokjin doesn’t notice though, he continues talking about his date and namjoon listens to his every word.

and when seokjin is done talking, namjoon finds his voice to ask, “you really like this guy, huh?” 

there’s a pause on the other side of the line, and for a split second namjoon hopes for an answer that he knows won’t come. 

“i do.” 

there’s a moment in which he lets the words sting before he pushes that away and musters up a smile even though seokjin couldn’t possibly see it. 

“i’m happy for you, hyung.” 

he hates how it feels like he’s lying. 

❧

namjoon is in the middle of (rather unsuccessfully) attempting to tie his tie when seokjin arrives at his place. 

he’s ten minutes early as he always is and he greets namjoon with a playful laugh when he walks into his bedroom. 

“you need a hand with that?” he asks as he leans on the doorframe, putting his hands in the pockets of his pants.

he’s wearing a simple black suit with a white shirt underneath and his hair is parted on the side, exposing his forehead. 

the thing is, namjoon is more than used to seeing seokjin in formal wear. a suit and tie is normal, everyday attire in his line of work. but today the top two buttons of his shirt are undone and there’s a necklace around his neck decorating his bare skin, and namjoon’s stomach does a weird swoop when he scans his body from top to bottom. 

he quickly turns back towards his mirror when he realises he’s been staring, “i can do it myself.”

except he can’t and seokjin knows this because he pushes himself upright with a scoff and walks up to namjoon in a matter of seconds. 

once he’s next to him he reaches up, grabbing each side of namjoon’s collar and tugging on it until namjoon relents and faces him. 

“will you ever stop being this stubborn?” seokjin asks as he takes a hold of namjoon’s tie and untangles it so he could start anew. 

“i’m not stubborn,” namjoon fires back, puffing out his chest unintentionally. “i had it handled.” 

seokjin stops what he’s doing to give namjoon a raised brow look. when namjoon doesn’t take his words back, he shakes his head in disbelief and goes back to what he was doing. 

“i can’t believe everyone says i’m the immature one of the two.”

the next thirty seconds are silent while seokjin ties namjoon’s tie, his eyebrows knitted together in concentration. namjoon allows himself to look at him like this up close. 

seokjin’s eyes are thinly lined with black eye shadow, and if namjoon’s not mistaken there’s also a little blush on his cheeks. 

he looks good. 

but that doesn’t come as a surprise. seokjin always looks good. 

“there,” he says, fixing namjoon’s collar and smoothing out his shirt. he looks into namjoon’s eyes, catching him already staring, his hands still on his chest. “what?” 

“nothing,” namjoon shakes his head, his lips stretching into a shy, dimpled smile. “you look good.” 

seokjin’s eyes dart from left to right a few times before a smile breaks out on his face, charming as ever when he says, “i could say the same about you, handsome.” 

seokjin exudes confidence, but his reddening ears show that maybe he’s not as unaffected as he seems to be. namjoon finds it adorable. 

he hums in acknowledgement and they stay like that for a few seconds, just staring at each other with soft smiles, the air thick with every single unspoken word left between them. 

because namjoon’s you look good never means just that. 

“we should go,” he says quietly. 

“we should,” seokjin replies just as quietly. 

namjoon holds his breath as another beat passes and then seokjin pats namjoon’s chest twice, sighing deeply as he takes a step back. 

“it starts at eight, right?” 

“yeah,” namjoon answers, turning to look at himself in the mirror one last time. of course, seokjin did a way better job with the tie than he did.

they’re going to a private art exhibition. when he asked seokjin how he managed to get invited when he surprised him with the news a week ago, seokjin only shrugged him off, refusing to give him a solid answer. 

regardless, namjoon is feeling jittery with excitement thinking about all the paintings he’ll be surrounded by all evening and the fact that he’s one of the select few people that gets to see them before they’re shown to the general public is definitely a bonus. 

the nerves melt away the moment they step into the gallery though and namjoon spends the rest of his evening talking to all kinds of people and gets the chance to speak to the curator as well. he loses seokjin somewhere in the middle but he doesn’t panic. seokjin finds him later, standing in front of his favourite painting of the night, finally being able to admire it up close on his own. 

“you look like you’re having a good time,” seokjin says, handing him a glass of champagne. 

namjoon mutters a thank you and takes a sip, looking back at the painting. 

“do i?” 

“yes,” seokjin stands next to him and turns to face the painting as well. “i was watching you earlier. you had the attention of everyone in this room, you know that?”

“you’re exaggerating,” namjoon tries not to blush. 

“i’m not, though,” seokjin chuckles. “you would get it if you could see yourself speak about art. i could hardly take my eyes off of you.”

namjoon doesn’t dare say a word, he just takes another sip of his drink. and then another. 

“do you like this painting?” seokjin asks and namjoon is thankful for the change of subject.

“i do,” he answers. it’s a simple painting– two deep brown columns on each side of the canvas creating a blank rectangular space in between, perhaps a path of some sort. namjoon would love to have it hung up in his apartment. “it’s beautiful in its simplicity, don’t you think?” 

seokjin hums with a nod of his head. 

“where did you disappear to?” namjoon asks then, looking at him. 

“went out to get some air,” seokjin says nonchalantly and then turns towards namjoon. “which reminds me. jimin texted me asking if we’d like to join them for a drink.” 

namjoon glances down at his watch, noting that it’s a little past 10pm. he could squeeze in a drink or two with his friends into his evening.  

“i’m down if you’re down.”

“great, because i already said yes,” seokjin smirks. 

namjoon shakes his head, landing a soft punch to his arm. 

“what if i said no?”

seokjin glances at him smiling, just before he starts walking away, “when have you ever said no to me?”

❧

they leave the gallery soon after. namjoon thanks the curator once again for the invitation, which causes him and seokjin to exchange a smiling look, but namjoon decides to turn a blind eye to it. 

the car ride to their favourite bar is short. namjoon tries to not make it awkward when seokjin tells him that he invited sungho as well, but he can’t help staying quiet for the rest of their time together. if seokjin notices any difference in his behaviour, he doesn’t mention it. 

when they enter the bar, they’re met with a familiar scenery. dim lights, booths lining up the walls, and a small dance floor that's currently empty, apart from a group of five people. 

it’s not very hard to spot jimin and jungkook. if it wasn’t for the fact that they were sitting at their usual booth, it would be how they are the only ones who are already all over each other. 

namjoon, per usual, is endeared by the affection and a little disgusted by the public display of it. 

he clears his throat when they approach the table. 

“hi.”

jimin and jungkook break apart, acknowledging them. 

“hyungs,” jungkook regards them with a toothy smile, his eyes a little glazed over. namjoon can’t tell if that’s because of the two already empty cocktail glasses in front of him or jimin. 

he assumes a combination of both. 

jimin greets them and immediately gets up to go get them a drink from the bar, while namjoon and seokjin take off their coats. namjoon turns around, ready to get himself a chair from the table next to them, but he’s met with seokjin who just points to the empty booth with his palm and quietly says, “sit next to me?” 

his tone leans more towards a statement rather than a question, and namjoon doesn’t think twice before he sits down. 

it’s not a big deal, shouldn’t be a big deal, but it makes his heart skip a beat. he chooses to ignore the reason why. he’s just happy the tension from the car didn’t follow them into the bar. 

“you two seem happy,” seokjin comments lightheartedly once jimin returns with their drinks. “date went well?”

jimin’s face lights up even more at the mention of the date, and jungkook puffs out his chest in pride.

“it went really well,” he says as he takes one of jimin’s hands in his own. “i think taehyung actually likes us.”

“of course he does,” seokjin reassures them both, smiling big. “he would be crazy not to.”

namjoon nods along, showing his agreement. he finds it cute how nervous they’ve been this whole time while pursuing taehyung, and he can’t hold back his smile at their enthusiasm when they go on to explain every little detail about their date. the last time they were this giddy was after they got together. 

they get so caught up in the conversation, namjoon almost forgets they’re expecting another person to join them. he only remembers once seokjin gets up, saying how sungho’s almost here and he’s going to wait for him outside. 

namjoon watches as he makes his way out of the bar through the crowd of people scattered across the dancefloor. when he turns back around, jimin is already staring at him. 

“what?”

“you know what,” jimin says pointedly. 

namjoon shrugs his shoulders, feigning ignorance. 

“hyung,” he glares at him. “one of these days this is going to blow up right in your face if you don’t do something.” 

jungkook doesn’t say anything, quietly following the conversation. he never has much to say on the subject. namjoon hasn’t inquired why. 

“and what can i do, jimin-ah?” namjoon leans forward, his voice low. “he is dating someone. i’m not going to complicate things.” 

“things have been complicated for a while no–” 

“jimin-ah,” namjoon warns, cutting him off. then he adds quietly, “i refuse to set myself up for heartbreak.”

jimin’s gaze softens at that but he doesn’t back down, “how is what you’ve been doing so far any different?” 

namjoon doesn’t have it in him to answer. because truth be told it’s not.

he chose heartbreak the moment he decided to bite his tongue instead of openly admitting what he felt. but having seokjin in his life and watching him fall in love with someone else will always be less painful than not having him in his life at all. 

namjoon can’t lose him. 

seokjin comes back to the table just a minute later with sungho walking behind him. the latter fetches himself a chair from the table next to them, while seokjin resumes his spot next to namjoon. 

they spend the next hour or so just talking and drinking. it’s pleasant. jungkook and jimin gush about taehyung some more and sungho tells them about a funny thing that happened to him at work. 

namjoon’s attention is half on the conversation and half on the thigh that’s been pressed up against his own the whole night. it would make something in his chest flutter if it wasn’t for the pair of intertwined hands on the table that aren’t his own and seokjin’s. 

because that touch is intentional. that one means something.

and it serves as a reminder that even though namjoon was the one seokjin came here with, sungho is the one he’ll be taking home. 

on any other night, namjoon would plaster a smile on his face, sometimes real other times forced, he’d wave his goodbye and give himself ten seconds to feel whatever emotion comes over him before redirecting his thoughts someplace else. but today, namjoon is tired. 

so he decides to walk away first. 

“i think i’ll be heading home,” he says, looking at jimin and jungkook. 

“what? already?” jungkook frowns at him. 

“i’m tired. had a long day,” he explains curtly, already putting his phone in his pocket. “i was planning on being in bed by midnight so it’s way past my bedtime.” 

“fine, fine,” jungkook sighs. namjoon is pretty sure he hears him say old man under his breath but he decides to ignore it. 

namjoon could feel seokjin’s eyes on him throughout the whole exchange. 

“i was your ride here, how are you going to get back?” he asks finally. “c’mon joon-ah, stay a little longer and we’ll drive you home. it’s cold outside.” 

“i’ll catch the bus,” namjoon smiles at him. “don’t worry about it. enjoy the rest of your night.” 

namjoon can’t think of a nice way to tell him that if it came down to him walking home in the cold or riding in the backseat of the car with him and his boyfriend, he’d happily choose to freeze to death. 

plus it may raise some red flags.

“namjoon-ah–”

“seriously hyung,” namjoon cuts him off. “i’ll be fine.” 

seokjin’s gaze on him is intense, a look in his eyes namjoon finds himself unable to read. he’s searching for something in his face, that much he can tell. and it scares him just a little, makes him fear that he’s been figured out. 

but then seokjin’s mouth turns upwards into a modest smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes, and he nods, “okay.”  

he gets up from his seat, making way for namjoon to walk out, and then namjoon bids his goodbye to everyone while putting on the beanie jimin shoved into his hands claiming he’ll need it more than him. 

when he’s made it all the way to the entrance, he turns around one last time and sees that sungho’s taken his place next to seokjin. namjoon walks out of the bar and pulls down the beanie over his ears. 

seokjin once told him if he had the freedom to choose to make a home for himself anywhere in the world, he would choose the space right next to namjoon. 

❧

exactly five days after their visit to the art gallery, namjoon receives a big package in the mail.

when he unwraps it, he realises, with a wave of emotions rushing through his body, that it’s the brown and white monochrome painting he mentioned he liked. 

and when he looks at the top right corner he finds a sticky note staring back at him. 

i thought it would look good in your living room. 

- seokjin

❧

namjoon doesn’t remember when exactly he fell in love with seokjin. he just knows that somewhere down the road the lines got all blurred together and suddenly he was clinging on to every little moment that could’ve meant more than it actually did. 

he lets himself get caught up in the way seokjin seeks his eyes when he tells one of his silly jokes as if namjoon’s laugh is the one that matters the most and the way he always finds a way to sit right next to him wherever they are, how their knees touch no matter how much space there’s left. 

it’s silly and dumb and it makes it hurt that much more when he has to ground himself but namjoon can’t help the way hope blooms in his chest like a fragile flower whenever seokjin smiles at him that special way he doesn’t smile at anyone else.

it withers away some seconds later though because namjoon can’t afford to hope for too long. not when it comes to something that’s so far beyond his reach.

especially in the moments when it doesn’t seem out of reach at all. 

“what are you doing here?” 

it’s 2:47 in the morning and seokjin is standing at namjoon’s front door, his cheeks tinted a light red and slightly out of breath. 

he doesn’t answer namjoon’s question, just smirks and lifts his arms, dangling five packs of pokemon bread in namjoon’s face. 

“holy shit,” namjoon says, grabbing one, looking in bewilderment between the pokemon bread in his hand and seokjin. “where did you get these? i’ve been looking for them everywhere.” 

“i know,” seokjin laughs, pushing past namjoon. he closes the door behind him, takes off his shoes and walks into namjoon’s living room, throwing the packs onto the table and plopping himself down on the sofa. “so, listen to this.” 

namjoon nods once, showing that he’s indeed listening. he sits down on the floor at the table opposite seokjin, eyes still big and round in shock. 

“i was in bed scrolling through instagram as one does, right,” seokjin starts explaining, pretending to scroll through his phone using only his hands. “and then i click on daehyun’s story and there he is, showing off this pokemon sticker. so i asked him where he got it from and he gave me the address of the convenience store. it’s this tiny shop thirty minutes from here that’s open until four. and you know how my car is at the mechanic because why would the universe make life easy for me.” 

namjoon chuckles, nodding along, “obviously.” 

“well, i couldn’t drive so i rode my bike there and got the last five packs that were left,” seokjin finishes with a proud smile, leaning forward to ceremoniously bow to namjoon. 

and namjoon is left kind of speechless. 

because here is seokjin. his best friend who just rode his bike to a random convenience store at two in the morning to get pokemon bread that he wasn’t even sure would still be there.  

all for him. 

if namjoon didn’t have enough self control he’d probably be crying by now. 

“you..” namjoon clears his throat when his voice comes out a little shaky. “fuck, hyung, i mean you didn’t have to.” 

“i know, joon-ah,” seokjin smiles at him. “i wanted to.” 

right there. the smile that’s reserved just for him. it’s sweet and gentle and warm and oh namjoon is so in love with him he has to physically stop himself from splitting his chest open and offering his heart to him. 

and even then that would be only symbolic because seokjin already owns it. 

“plus i’m only giving you the stickers. i’ll be eating the bread, thank you very much,” seokjin continues, taking one of the packs and opening it. 

three of the stickers end up being the same. seokjin is initially a little disappointed but namjoon comforts him, telling him how he once ended up pulling five of the same stickers and seokjin quickly relents, deciding that two new stickers is better than none. 

despite what he said, he also ends up sharing the bread with namjoon. 

they silently agree that seokjin will spend the night at namjoon’s place and they go to bed at around four when the exhaustion of the day finally catches up to them. 

seokjin borrows a white t-shirt from namjoon and even though they’re similar in build, it’s still a tad too big on him and it falls down to his thighs. namjoon has practiced enough self control not to stare, but he can’t help but steal a few glances when seokjin’s not looking.  

it’s when they’re together in bed that namjoon remembers he never thanked him. 

he turns to face seokjin, who’s lying on his back and whispers, “thank you, hyung.” 

seokjin keeps his eyes closed, but he smiles and says, “anything for you, namjoon-ah.” 

he realises then, that everything so far has led him to this one conclusion. namjoon has a decade worth of things he could’ve fallen in love with seokjin for. 

❧

namjoon doesn’t like working on saturday mornings. 

which is why he usually tends to avoid them, but yesterday evening one of his employees called in sick– something about food poisoning, and namjoon decided to cover their shift instead of calling in someone else. 

he likes to think he’s a good employer.

he also likes to avoid his problems by keeping himself busy. 

saturday mornings are very busy though and he’s just about to start regretting it when a blond man with a heart shaped smile walks into his coffee shop. 

“good morning,” he greets namjoon politely. his voice is a little high-pitched but friendly. “this might be a weird question, but do you by any chance know min yoongi? he’s a little shorter than me and makes the cutest face when complimented, like he tries to be cool about it but he can’t hold back his smile.” 

namjoon chuckles at the description, partially because it’s funny to him how that’s what the man chose to lead with, and partially because of how accurate it is. 

“i do know him,” he says with a big smile. 

“great,” the man beams at him, then offers his hand. “i’m jung hoseok. his boyfriend.” 

“ah,” namjoon raises his eyebrows in surprise. he takes hoseok’s hand, “kim namjoon, nice to meet you.” 

namjoon watches realisation dawn in hoseok’s eyes, “you’re the owner. hyung always mentions you when he comes back from your cafe.” 

“is that so?” namjoon asks. when hoseok nods, he says, “he’s one of our regulars. everyone here knows him, but if i’m here i always take his order. i enjoy our conversations.” 

“funny he says the same thing,” hoseok smiles. 

namjoon returns a dimpled smile, and then asks, “what can i get for you today, hoseok-ssi?” 

“an iced americano please, and yoonie’s regular?” hoseok sounds uncertain in the end, so namjoon nods reassuringly because of course he knows yoongi’s order by heart. “to go, please.” 

namjoon gets to work while hoseok sits down on one of the bar stools, making himself comfortable per namjoon’s suggestion. 

“so you own a cafe but yoongi says you know a bunch about producing,” hoseok muses. “how come?” 

“oh, i took a class on musical composition in uni,” namjoon answers as he pours some ice in a cup. “very beginner level though.”

hoseok nods, “but you don’t work in music?” 

namjoon shakes his head. 

“i just love art,” he explains. “in all its shapes. though unfortunately writing is the only department i was good in. my dabbling in music doesn’t go beyond that one class and writing lyrics i never used for anything.” 

yoongi asked to see them once. it was a few weeks ago when namjoon told him he’d written some song lyrics on a whim after having writer’s block. it felt good, writing something for the simple pleasure of it. it’s nowhere near close to how he was, but maybe he doesn’t need to go back to that. maybe this can be the new normal. 

namjoon got shy and said he wasn’t quite ready to share them yet. yoongi, never the one to pry, nodded in understanding and told him he’d be there whenever namjoon’s ready. 

“so you like writing?” 

hoseok brings his attention back to him. namjoon decides he likes how he asks this instead of asking if he’s a writer. usually people go for the latter. 

“sometimes,” he smiles, making hoseok chuckle. “what do you do?” 

“i dance,” hoseok answers. “i own a little studio three blocks from here and i teach dance classes.”

namjoon wonders how many times he’s walked past it without knowing who the owner was. 

“do you like it?” namjoon asks, raising a teasing eyebrow. 

“sometimes.” 

this time around namjoon chuckles at the knowing smile on hoseok’s face. 

“how’s yoongi?” he asks then. changing the subject. “i haven’t seen him in a while.”

“busy,” hoseok answers, his face forming a frown. “he slept in his studio last night so i thought he might appreciate a little treat. he’s been drowning in work lately.” 

namjoon nods, not entirely surprised by this. yoongi is passionate about his craft, that much was obvious to him from the start. 

“well i hope you two find the time to visit me together sometime soon,” namjoon smiles at him as he places the coffee holder on the counter in front of hoseok. 

“i’ll make sure we do,” hoseok says, and then he leans on his hand like he’s about to tell namjoon a secret. “you know, he’s been meaning to ask you to join him for a studio session.” 

“really?” namjoon raises a surprised eyebrow. 

“yes,” hoseok drags the word, waving his hands around. “but he’s been too shy to do it. don’t tell him i told you, though.” 

“i promise i won’t,” namjoon laughs. “i’d love to join him for a studio session.” 

“good,” hoseok nods, smiling mischievously. “i’ll make sure to sneakily imply that next time he brings it up.” 

namjoon chuckles again as he takes out a paper bag and puts two blueberry muffins and two hotteoks in it. 

“here you go,” namjoon hands the bag over to hoseok. “it’s my treat today.”

hoseok is about to protest but namjoon raises a hand to stop him. 

“please, hoseok-ssi,” namjoon says. “take it as a little thank you for brightening up my saturday morning.” 

hoseok looks taken aback and when he smiles, it’s almost blinding. 

“thank you, namjoon-ssi, really,” he says. “i hope you have a lovely weekend.” 

“you too,” namjoon replies. “tell yoongi i say hi.” 

“will do.”

with one last smile, hoseok bids him goodbye. 

namjoon is left feeling a lot lighter than he felt twenty minutes ago. 

when yoongi told him about his partner, he never pictured him to be like hoseok. now, thinking about it, yoongi and hoseok make all the sense in the world. namjoon sees all the ways they fit together and he’s filled with a weird sense of content, knowing yoongi has someone like hoseok by his side.

❧

seokjin appears at namjoon’s doorstep at a quarter past eight and brings with him the weight of every emotion they left concealed in the past few years. 

namjoon doesn’t really notice at first. 

he arrived home sometime in the early hours of the evening, after getting some dinner with jungkook. he decided to walk home, before the weather took a turn for the worst, and he managed to just miss the sudden outpour of rain. 

later he realises, his morning was quite literally the calm before the storm. 

once he's safely in his apartment he decides that’s his sign to call it a day– he takes a quick shower, and then he’s ready to curl up on his sofa with a book. 

except he doesn’t quite get there, because seokjin has other plans. 

“hyung,” namjoon opens the door to find a somewhat disheveled seokjin staring back at him. his wet bangs are covering his forehead, traces of raindrops at their tips. namjoon steps aside, “come in.” 

seokjin goes inside, wordlessly walking past him. namjoon feels it immediately, that something is off. but he doesn’t like jumping to conclusions so he takes a safer route. 

he makes a quick trip to the bathroom, bringing back a towel that he gives to seokjin for his hair. 

“what’s up?” 

seokjin sits on his couch, after drying off his hair, the towel around his neck now. he slouches down until he’s in an almost laying position and puts his hands behind his head. 

he looks at namjoon, his eyes scanning him from head to toe and back up again to meet his eyes. when namjoon offers him a small smile, seokjin sighs and shakes his head, but namjoon notices the way his body relaxes a little. 

“nothing,” he shrugs. “is it dramatic of me to say i just wanted to see you cause i’ve missed you?” 

it’s not an answer namjoon was expecting. though he has an inkling that it might not be the whole truth. 

he exhales a chuckle, “well it’s been only, what, a week since we last saw each other?” 

he feels a little guilty, that was his doing after all. and it's not that he's been avoiding seokjin, namjoon just needed time to collect his thoughts on his own.

“says the guy who called me every day the one time i went back home alone for ten days,” seokjin fixes him with a pointed look. 

“i only did that cause i knew you’d miss me otherwise.” 

seokjin raises his eyebrows and slowly nods his head, saying a small yeah okay under his breath. 

they both know it’s not true. it took everything in namjoon not to sit down on a train and go to seokjin after the third day of them being apart. he appreciates seokjin not calling him out on it though.

“how have you been, hyung?”

it’s a simple question, namjoon doesn’t think twice before asking, but it changes seokjin’s whole demeanor. it happens in a way that one wouldn’t really notice unless they knew seokjin’s manaresims better than their own. namjoon does. 

he walks closer to the sofa, closer to seokjin but he doesn’t sit down next to him. rather he sits in one of his two armchairs, choosing to leave some distance between them. 

“i’ve been better,” is seokjin’s curt answer. 

it doesn’t happen often that namjoon feels like he’s walking in a mine field around seokjin, waiting for the moment he makes the wrong move and triggers something he doesn’t want to. but right now there’s an edge to seokjin’s voice, one that namjoon takes as a sign to choose his words carefully. 

“is there anything you’d like to talk about?” namjoon tries. “did something happen?” 

seokjin slightly squints his eyes at him, like he’s trying to figure something out. it makes namjoon’s stomach twist, and he can feel his nerves eating at him.

he’s reached the part of the storm right before it gets bad, and something’s telling him he’s about to be caught in the middle of the worst of it. 

seokjin is silent for a little while, and then he says, “sungho and i broke up.” 

out of all the possible things he could’ve said that namjoon conjured up in his head, this was one he wouldn’t let himself even dream of coming out of seokjin’s mouth. 

and even though namjoon would go to the ends of the earth and further to wipe off the sad look on seokjin’s face, some tiny, twisted part of him feels relief. 

it conflicts with everything he stands for, everything he’s made himself believe in. but it’s there. 

“oh,” is all he can muster up to say right now. 

“you didn’t know?” seokjin asks with a sigh. 

“no, i uh-” namjoon clears his throat. “no.” 

“i thought maybe the guys told you,” seokjin shrugs nonchalantly, pushing himself upwards into a sitting position. 

“no,” namjoon says. “they didn’t mention it.” 

he thinks back to his phone conversation with jimin yesterday, how he subtly inquired about seokjin. but jimin didn’t mention anything about a break up. he didn’t even bring up sungho. 

seokjin nods his head, not saying anything, but he keeps his gaze steady on namjoon. as if he’s waiting to see something.

“what happened?” namjoon clears his throat again, still trying to wrap his head around the fact that they broke up . 

what always made namjoon feel so uneasy around sungho was the fact that he thought he’d be around for a long time. so this, namjoon thinks, took a very different turn.

“i broke up with him three days ago,” seokjin answers. “i realised it wouldn’t be fair to him to keep it going.” 

namjoon quietly watches as seokjin pushes himself up from the sofa, and slowly walks across the room only to stop right in front of his bookshelf.

namjoon’s voice is a little shaky when he quietly asks, “why?” 

seokjin’s hand halts mid-tracing one of the books, and he just stands still for two seconds. like maybe he wasn’t expecting namjoon to ask this question. or maybe he needs a moment to give the answer. 

“you.”

he doesn’t turn around to face him when he answers, and his voice raises barely above a whisper, but namjoon hears him loud and clear. the word rings in his ears like an alarm, one warning him that they’re about to step into uncharted territory. 

“what are you talking about?” he asks, trying to make sense of it in his own head. 

seokjin looks like the whole world is weighing on his shoulders when he turns around to look at namjoon. his eyes hold the kind of exhaustion namjoon often sees in himself when he looks in the mirror. 

namjoon recognises the writing right then and there. the eyes of a man who’s been in love with his best friend for the better part of the last few years. 

still too scared to get his hopes up, namjoon opts for denial. 

seokjin takes a step forward, “how much longer are we going to dance around this, namjoon-ah?” 

“hyung, you’re… you’re not making any sense,” namjoon shakes his head, getting up from the sofa to face him eye to eye. “what do you mean me ? what do i have to do with–”

“because you–” seokjin cuts in, but stops mid-sentence, taking in a deep breath. he takes a step back, shaking his head and turns to his left, avoiding namjoon’s eyes completely. 

“because i what ?” namjoon questions, the challenge clear in his voice. 

“because you always do this,” seokjin yells exasperatedly. he turns back towards namjoon with a heated gaze, “we keep going in fucking circles.”

seokjin, trained by his job to keep his cool even in the most challenging of moments, looks like he’s two seconds away from crying out in frustration. 

namjoon doesn’t remember the last time he’s seen him this openly angry. 

and yet he still presses, “what exactly is it that i do, seokjin-ssi?”

“you… you get all weird an- and distant whenever i start seeing someone, and, god, you try so fucking hard to seem normal, but guess what?” seokjin laughs bitterly, his eyes glossy with unshed tears. “i fucking notice it, namjoon-ah. and you know what the worst part about it is? i try to ignore it. i try to chase away the thoughts but i never can. i can’t chase you away.”

he paces in front of namjoon, each word said with so much disdain it pierces right through namjoon’s heart. maybe that’s his whole point. 

“whatever i do, whoever i’m with, it’s all meaningless. you’re always there.” he takes a stuttering breath, his voice barely above a whisper now. he stops. looks at namjoon, “you plague my mind.”

“don’t.”

namjoon glances away from seokjin’s unwavering gaze, unable to handle the amount of emotion in his eyes. 

seokjin isn’t trying to hurt him, deep down he knows this. 

“you,” he says, regarding seokjin with a hard look as he takes a step forward. “ you occupy my every thought. there is not a corner in my entire being that you could look into and not find a piece of you. you have been engraved into every single part of me.” 

namjoon’s eyes must resemble seokjin’s glossy ones but he doesn’t let the lump in his throat stop him from finally saying the things that he’s never had the courage to say. 

“so don’t talk to me about how i plague your mind,” namjoon says, his voice breaking on the last few words. “when you have never once left mine.” 

the effect of his words is almost instant because seokjin takes two long strides and his lips come crashing into namjoon’s. 

namjoon stumbles back both from the impact and shock, but seokjin doesn’t back away and after taking two seconds to compose himself, namjoon kisses him back. 

his hands fly up to seokjin’s face, roughly cupping his cheeks as he pushes him until seokjin’s back hits the wall and he lets out the tiniest gasp. it gives namjoon the opportunity to push his tongue past his lips and it’s messy and rough but so good because seokjin’s lips are finally on his own. 

namjoon has let himself think of this moment only a handful of times. when the thoughts of a life in which he could walk up to seokjin and kiss him whenever he wanted would keep him up at night. when he was too tired to fight them away. 

scenarios that always felt so out of reach. 

seokjin puts one of his arms around namjoon’s waist and pulls him closer, their bodies pushed together in a way that leaves no space between them. 

namjoon drags one of his hands down seokjin’s arm until he reaches his waist and then he lifts up his shirt, pressing his palm flat against his bare skin. seokjin gasps again, breaking the kiss, and namjoon takes the opportunity to trace his lips down his jaw all the way to his neck, where he leaves a few open mouthed kisses. 

he seems to hit a sensitive spot when he sucks right under his ear because seokjin makes a low sound in his throat, his head falling against the wall with a quiet thud. his hands travel down to namjoon’s ass and he pulls him impossibly closer, their crotches flush together. 

an embarrassing sound leaves namjoon’s lips at the touch, and he pauses for a second, both incredibly turned on and horrified. 

he rests his forehead against seokjin’s and closes his eyes. focuses the rest of his senses on his surroundings. the quiet patter of rain outside. their heavy breathing. seokjin’s scent. the unsteady rise and fall of seokjin’s chest underneath his fingertips. 

namjoon, in all his years of living, has never felt quite as terrified as he does at this moment. 

but then he opens his eyes again, and seokjin is looking at him the way namjoon’s always wanted to be looked at by him. he’s looking at him like this right here, right now is everything he’s ever wanted. 

at least in this very moment, seokjin wants him just as much as he wants seokjin. 

“fuck it,” namjoon whispers, tired of giving into his fear, and crashes their lips together once more. 

seokjin responds almost immediately. he pushes himself off the wall, trying to walk forward and namjoon gets the message. it doesn’t take them long to find their way to his bedroom, bumping into a few pieces of furniture along the way. 

namjoon lets himself be guided backwards until his knees hit the bed and he falls on his back. seokjin doesn’t waste any time, taking off his shirt and tossing it aside, his pants following quickly after. 

namjoon watches him and once he’s done, he reaches for namjoon’s own shirt and lifts it over his arms. 

then seokjin climbs on the bed, putting his legs on each side of namjoon’s hips so he can straddle him, and they’re kissing again. it’s all tongue and teeth and namjoon, who usually prefers taking it slow and sweet, doesn’t mind this at all. not when he’s been waiting for this for as long as he has. 

seokjin takes namjoon’s hands in his own and he pins them over his head, holding them down as he starts trailing wet kisses down namjoon’s neck. he doesn’t stop until he reaches namjoon’s collarbones and then he releases his hold on namjoon’s hands, sliding down his body. 

he leaves kisses all over namjoon’s chest, going all the way down to the waistband of his sweatpants and back up, making namjoon pant. seokjin glances up at him just as he takes one of his nipples in his mouth and namjoon almost growls at the feeling of seokjin’s tongue drawing circles around it. just as he’s about to pull seokjin in for a kiss again, seokjin lightly bites it, and namjoon raises his hips up in response, accidentally brushing their hard cocks together. 

namjoon sighs in relief at the contact, but he barely has time to process it because a second later seokjin’s slipping his hand in his pants and he leans down, whispering against namjoon’s lips. 

“fuck me?” 

namjoon tries to keep his breathing under control, as he gazes up at seokjin, and then he nods his head frantically, not trusting his voice to speak. 

he surges forward, taking seokjin’s lips in another heated kiss, and he flips them over, so he’s hovering over him. 

seokjin helps him get out of his sweatpants, taking his boxers off as well in the process. he tosses them aside and from that moment onward namjoon moves almost on autopilot. 

he takes his time opening up seokjin, so in contrast to the frantic pace they set, but neither one of them comments and namjoon enjoys the way seokjin goes pliant under him, soaks up every single little gasp and mewl that comes out of his mouth. 

and then they’re all over each other again. it doesn’t take long for namjoon to find a rhythm that works for both of them and he buries his face in the crook of seokjin’s neck, nosing along the skin there. 

namjoon’s never been good at discerning smells but seokjin always smells of everything familiar. it’s a comforting thing, something that grounds him. 

he feels seokjin move one of his hands over his back, lightly digging his nails into the skin there and namjoon shivers, moaning quietly in his ear. seokjin’s other hand winds up in his hair. he grips it tightly, the pull almost hurtful but it’s a good kind of pain. the kind that spurs namjoon on and he shifts them a little, changing the angle so he’s reaching even deeper into seokjin. 

namjoon has only fantasised about the kind of sounds that are pushing past seokjin’s lips right now. he keeps his head buried in seokjin’s neck, knowing that it would be too overwhelming if he were to look at him right now, like this.

but then he feels a wetness on his cheek, and his head shoots up when he realises that seokjin’s crying. he almost halts, when seokjin stops him. 

“don’t,” he gasps. “feels good. keep going.” 

so namjoon listens. he fucks into him in a steady pace, rolling his hips the way he can tell seokjin likes it, as he leans his forehead against seokjin’s. he holds his gaze for a few moments, feeling every single sigh of pleasure that leaves his lips on his skin and when it becomes a little too much, he leans down, kissing seokjin’s tears away until he reaches his mouth. 

he tastes salt on his tongue as he licks over his lips but it doesn’t matter. 

the moment seokjin comes undone under him, namjoon realises he’s passed a point of no return. he watches his face contort into one of pleasure, forehead exposed and slick with sweat, his tear stained cheeks coloured a red so pretty it would put any rose to shame. 

it takes only a few more thrusts and namjoon is right there with him. he falls forward, panting hard and caging seokjin in with his body. seokjin doesn’t seem to mind though because he sneaks his arms around namjoon’s neck and hugs him closer to himself.

they lay like that for a while until their breathing evens out and namjoon gets scared seokjin’s going to fall asleep like this.  

“hyung.”

silence. 

“hyung, i should clean you up before you fall asleep,” namjoon tries again, his voice gentle. 

seokjin stays silent again but then there’s a weak okay and he releases his grip on namjoon. 

namjoon untangles himself from him, careful when he pulls out, and pushes himself off the bed. he goes to the bathroom where he throws away the condom and fetches a towel, soaking it up in warm water before he walks out. when he comes back seokjin’s eyes are closed and he can tell that he’s dozing off so namjoon’s extra careful when he cleans him up as best as he can. 

he then tosses the dirty towel aside, too tired to go back to the bathroom, and he lays down next to seokjin. he thinks about pulling him in his arms but decides against it, not wanting to make things between them awkward. 

namjoon doesn’t know where they stand. 

so instead he stays on his side of the bed and falls asleep listening to seokjin’s soft snores, his mind full of a hundred and one unanswered questions. 

❧

namjoon wakes up at 3:49 in the morning to an empty bed. 

he rubs his eyes as he sits up, looking over at where seokjin’s body was next to his just a few hours ago.

seokjin isn’t gone though. namjoon doesn’t doubt it for a second. and it’s not the fact that his clothes are still lying on the floor where they tossed them aside earlier, or how his balcony door is open when they left it closed that tells him this. 

it’s the simple knowledge that seokjin wouldn’t just walk away from this. from him.

namjoon gets up from the bed and shrugs on a t-shirt, not bothering to check if it’s his or seokjin’s. he stretches his arms over his head as he walks towards the balcony, the gust of wind that welcomes him sending a shiver down his spine. 

he hadn’t realised it stopped raining.

seokjin is right there, sitting on one of the chairs, a blanket draped over his bare skin, looking out over the city. namjoon’s sat on that same spot doing just that more times than he could count. seoul is beautiful at night. 

seokjin looks peaceful like this. he reminds namjoon of the teenager he used to sit on his rooftop with, talking about anything and everything until the early hours of the morning. back then namjoon thought he couldn’t possibly love that special way the moon reflects in seokjin’s eyes any more. 

now he can’t believe just how wrong he was. 

“you know i’ve always loved the view from your balcony,” seokjin mutters without sparing him a glance. 

“how could i not,” namjoon smiles, taking a step forward and leaning with his hands on the railing. “it was the only reason you pestered me into choosing this apartment.” 

“it’s a pretty view,” seokjin counters. “you like pretty things, don’t you?” 

namjoon turns around, leaning back on the railing as he faces seokjin, “i do.”

seokjin turns his head, looking into namjoon’s eyes with a small, all-too-knowing smile. namjoon feels read. 

maybe it’s the familiarity between them, or seokjin’s tender gaze on him, but for the first time in the last few years namjoon doesn’t hesitate one bit when he takes a step forward and sits on the ground right in front of seokjin. he doesn’t hesitate when he picks up seokjin’s hand and pulls it closer, towards his lips. doesn’t break eye contact when he leaves a gentle kiss on one knuckle. and then the other. and another. 

seokjin just watches him silently. 

“i kept convincing myself i was making it up,” he says then, pulling his hand back a little. namjoon is about to let it go completely, when seokjin grips it and puts both of their hands on his lap. “you know, the looks, the lingering touches, how your smile never seemed to reach your eyes whenever i talked to you about someone else.” 

“i tried,” namjoon says weakly. “i hated myself for not being able to be completely, selflessly happy for you. i hated it, hyung.”

seokjin lets out a small breath, looking down at his lap. he starts drawing circles with his thumb on namjoon’s hand. 

“why didn’t you say anything?” he asks, his voice gentle and no hint of accusation there. seokjin sounds genuinely curious. 

namjoon could probably find a different excuse for each time he had to talk himself out of spilling all his feelings to seokjin. 

and each and every single one of them would still stem from the same simple reason. 

“i was terrified,” namjoon shrugs. “i couldn’t lose you over something as trivial and selfish as wanting to hold you as something different than a friend.” 

namjoon would spend the rest of his life watching seokjin fall in love with different people over and over again if it meant having him by his side. he would choose a life of being friends over a life without seokjin in it any day. 

and yet still. he wishes that sometimes when seokjin lays in his lap, he could lean down and leave a kiss on his lips. he wishes to wake up with his arms wrapped around his waist.

“you didn’t say anything either,” he adds quietly with a pout. 

“i was confused,” seokjin tells him. he tucks a strand of namjoon’s hair behind his ear. “i didn’t understand what i was feeling. you know, jungkook’s been acting as my therapist on this for the past two years. i should’ve taken his advice and just talked to you, but i didn’t want to risk it.” 

namjoon’s eyebrows shoot up in surprise, and then he chuckles, finally understanding why jungkook never commented on the subject in front of him. 

“seokjin-ah,” namjoon says then, voice gentle. he needs him to know. “i love you. in every way one could love another being. it’s the one thing that’s remained unchanged throughout all the time i’ve known you.” 

saying it out loud feels freeing. 

scarce were the moments namjoon allowed himself to think about this very scenario. the what ifs of him finally confessing. somehow none of them consisted of seokjin bringing his hand up to his face, and gently cupping his cheek, before leaning down to leave a kiss on his forehead. 

the gentle affection in seokjin’s gaze is enough to make namjoon choke up on his own feelings and all the words he might’ve wanted to say slowly die on his tongue.

it’s okay though. something tells him seokjin already knows. 

“oh, joon-ah,” seokjin whispers, his eyes filling up with tears. namjoon is always ready to wipe them away. “i love you too. i love you so much i physically don’t know what to do with it.”

namjoon chuckles as seokjin gently shakes him while saying the last few words. 

there’s a smile on seokjin’s face now, and he lets go of namjoon’s hand only to grab his face, pulling him closer to himself. namjoon melts away under his touch, feeling the love pour out of his hands. seeing it written in seokjin’s eyes. 

he wonders if it’s been there all along and he was just too blind in fear to see it. 

seokjin tells him i love you with every little touch. when he leans down to press his lips against his forehead, and then his nose. and when he finally reaches namjoon’s lips, namjoon is just as determined to make him feel that his love is reciprocated. 

he kisses him long and gentle, committing everything about this moment to memory. how soft seokjin’s lips are against his own and how silky his hair is in between his fingers. 

when they part, seokjin leans back against the chair and pats his lap, inviting namjoon to sit there - an invitation namjoon happily accepts. once he’s seated, seokjin wraps a hand around his torso and pulls him closer to his chest, while namjoon puts his hands on each side of his neck, rubbing circles on seokjin’s cheeks with his thumbs. 

namjoon leans down to kiss seokjin’s cheek and then he lays his head on his chest. and even though he’s broader than seokjin he makes himself small in his arms. he lets seokjin fully embrace him and he sinks into him and it feels like this is where he was supposed to be all along.