Archive of Our Own

It wasn’t an uncommon occurrence for the two members of the group to look like they are miles and ocean away from each other. Not physically, just the vibe and interaction between them.

At this point, people enjoy their dynamic; a divorced couple. It wasn’t that deep at first, just the hiding of their hearts far from their sleeves. Not wanting to be vulnerable, to be read by the other of what they really feel.

They could just drop it anytime but they actually enjoy having the dynamic. It shows how close they really are. An irony.

Stupidity.

Just like putting a banana peel on the floor then stepping on it, sliding down and sitting on your bum then complaining that it hurts. That’s what it is.

Natural but complicated.

Seungmin was getting tired of it.

Tired but still plays along. After all, what will they be if they stop the one thing they do to entertain their fans?

So he sits still and pretends that his heart is not in shambles, pieces falling on the pit of his stomach, as he watches Minho smiling and looking up at Felix so lovingly.

He shouldn't feel this way. He wasn’t mad at Felix, god knows he’d rather jump off a cliff than be mad at him. He was just…jealous? He wasn’t sure. Why would he be jealous? Minho doesn’t even like Felix that way.

But…how can he be so sure that he does like Seungmin? It’s not that Minho had told anyone verbatim: “I like Kim Seungmin.” and it doesn’t have to be the same way as he does.

Be it platonically or romantically, he’ll accept it. It’s just…not knowing if someone likes you or not, take it also into account that that person considers you as his first friend, actually stirs something ugly inside him.

You see, Kim Seungmin is a boy who adores and admires someone. He likes someone romantically who disguises his comfort behind threatening words. He walked around a ground full of thorns the first time a “threat” was directed to him.

Naive mind and trembling eyes towards such words that he doesn’t know if Minho meant it or not. He took it as a joke in the end. And after that, everything falls into place.

It’s just that he doesn’t know he’ll fall, too.

Fall in those sly smirk, siren-cat eyes, and sharp words that are always directed to him. Those features that always appear when it comes to him.

It became a routine when the family skit existed. And Seungmin can’t tell you whether he loved it or not.

Their story goes like this at first.

Kim Seungmin, an aspiring idol who looks at his palms and diaries that contain his dreams. Those things are too big for him to handle. He needed to let it out. He wanted to let it out. To let it grow and not contain it anymore with his ink and pages. He always believed those written wishes and hopes inside his diary were meant for more.

So he auditioned; and passed he did. Along the way, he befriended one person who was new to the environment. Wanting him to be comfortable as quickly as he can. The said boy looked like he was singing in church. A church oppa, he thought back then.

They were the closest. Seungmin always clings to him, sneaks into his bed to cuddle with him when he wants to. Loves those arms that snakes around his frame, despite him being taller than Minho, and melts into it.

He always loved Minho’s strong grip around him, a grounding reminder whenever he needed something to assure him.

He could go as far as calling them the closest among the members. It was only natural given the fact that Seungmin was Minho’s first friend and Minho making Seungmin feel comfortable with him despite the latter having a hard time getting close with someone he doesn’t know well.

Two peas within a slot, easy to be with each other.

“Hyung, are you happy?” he asked as Minho’s arm wrapped around his body. They felt comfortably warm and Seungmin hopes the older one doesn’t hear nor feel the rhythmic beat of his wild heart.

“Of course, Seungminnie.” Minho answers just as softly as his questions. “Debuting with Stray Kids is one of the best things to ever happen,” he adds. That made Seungmin perk up,

“What’s the best thing, then?” curiosity got the best of him. He looked up at Minho whose hand was combing through his hair softly. His head on his hyung’s chest, feeling comfortable with its rise and fall.

He sees a second-long glimpse of fondness when Minho looks down at him.

“The best thing was debuting with you.”

So you can’t really blame if Seungmin’s heart is fighting with his mind right now. A memory versus a feeling.

A vivid memory of Minho looking at him as if he was the best thing versus a feeling that Minho considers him as someone he regretted to have ever met.

So he shuts his eyes and mouth and pretends everything is okay and there is nothing wrong with their relationship. All is well.

Except, who was he kidding? He knew he was only holding back tears when he heard Minho’s laugh across the practice room. Why couldn’t it be him? Why did they need to drift away like this?

He looks across the sea between them and decides that he won’t ever see the shore anymore no matter how hard he tries rowing through the waves.

He sighs, failing to realise that Chan had sat beside him. Which was a big mistake as Chan immediately looked at him, eyes worried.

“Seungminnie?” and another mistake was Seungmin flinched in surprise. “Woah, there, pup. Everything alright?” Seungmin was thankful Chan was being considerate by lowering the volume of his voice when he asked.

He opens his eyes and smiles at Chan. “Just tired, hyung.” which was true. He could feel the impending soreness of his body and headache.
“I can send you home, Seung. Do you want to go home?” he shakes his head because the last thing he wanted was to hold his group back.

“Really, I’m fine, hyung. I can still take it.” that was another mistake as Chan probably thought that he was pushing himself. “Seungmin-”

“Hyung. I’m sorry, those words were wrong. I’m really fine. It’s not that bad.” Chan looked sceptical at him but nodded.

“You feel something bad and you tell me, alright?” Chan commanded and well, no one can really not follow Chan.

“Course, hyung.” he says in a soft voice, grinning at Chan who was now trying to full on hug him.

His eyes met Minho’s for a second but he instantly looked away. Afraid of what he’ll see in those dark eyes.

Or if he’ll see anything at all.

He tried to be natural around Minho after the recalling of events within that four walled room. Easy as pie, it didn’t even take him a lot of effort to pretend he was okay. Maybe he was okay and it’s just his brain playing tricks on him that makes him overthink.

He wants to shut it down.

His phone pings with notification and sees Minho was live. Right, the older was on his way home from mcing at MuCore. He reluctantly opens the app to watch the vlive.

But he closed it again when he felt his heart beating fast at just the sight of Minho. It’s ridiculous. He feels ridiculous because why would his heart even beat fast when he sees Minho everyday.

He lets a few minutes pass before opening it again.

“Kim Seungmin? Well we don’t get along well because we don’t click.”

Fuck everything, honestly.

Why is that the first thing that welcomed him? He wants to laugh and cry at the same time.

“Hannie? Hannie and I get along well because we don’t click? Yeah, that.”

Seungmin closes the app again.

He tries to calm himself down, feeling that familiar flare of jealousy rising its fiery head inside him. He gets up, puts some casual clothes on and decides to take a walk outside.

But his mind gets the better of him and he plops down uselessly on the bed again. Maybe he’ll take a walk at night. The sun was at its peak right now and he’s not actually looking forward to fainting because of the heat.

A knock startles him out of his mind.

“Yes? Come in.” he said, not even bothering to ask who it was. It’s fine, Minho wasn’t even home yet so he doesn’t need to be extra careful. “I’m coming in, Min.” came Felix’s voice.

A bitter feeling worms its way through the pit of his stomach, mind replaying the scene of Minho looking lovingly and fondly at Felix. He pinches himself on the arm for feeling such a thing.

“Hey.” Felix softly greeted. “Hey, there.” he smiles. “Anything I could help you with?” he asked as Felix stood in front of his laying body. “Wanna bake together?”

And that’s how he found himself in the kitchen, staring and laughing softly at his hand full of flour as they ended up playing with each other.

“No, Minnie, stop!” Felix said even as his actions, throwing some more to Seungmin, contradicts his words. Seungmin laughs loudly at that and tries to tackle Felix.

“Hey, stop that. You’ll cause an accident.” came Minho’s cold voice that made him freeze, literally. Both of them simultaneously look in his direction.

“Hyung! Mind helping?” Felix cheerfully asked. Seungmin’s breath hitches at that, mind trying to come up with something so he could escape the older’s presence. He’s not in the mood anymore.

“I’ll be useless here so I’ll get going. I want to take a walk.” he excuses himself. He didn’t notice Felix looking at him worriedly. “It’s getting dark, Minnie.” Felix reminds him.

“That’s the plan, Lix. I wanted to take a walk earlier but the heat was too much.” he smiles at Felix and pats his head. “I’ll be fine.”

“I can go with you.” Minho proposes. If he wasn’t that much prepared for these kinds of things, he’ll probably be choking right now. “I’m fine, hyung. Just help Lixie.” he said, already walking back to his room to clean himself.

He feels a gaze lingering on him but he ignores it.

“Hyung, can I cook with you?” Seungmin beams when Minho nods and smiles at him. “What do you want to cook, Minnie?” Minho asks, feeling fond as Seungmin excitedly makes his way to him.

“You were going to cook, hyung. Let’s just cook that.” Seungmin says, bumping his head against Minho’s shoulder as a form of greeting. Minho’s heart bursts with affection.

“I was going to cook omurice. That’s fine with you?” Seungmin nods excitedly as if it was his first time cooking an omurice. This was a different kind of first, though. He was going to cook with Minho, after all.

“Alright, don’t hurt yourself.”

With that, the pair falls into a comfortable silence.

Seungmin admires how Minho moves so expertly. He knows he can cook omurice with ease, too, but something with Minho got him staring at him.

“Why are you staring at me?” Minho laughs, pushing Seungmin lightly to get him out of his trance. “O-oh, spaced out.” Seungmin answers, breathing shakily as he shakes his head.

“Go sit down, stupid. You’re obviously tired.” He was about to protest but one look from his hyung was enough to make him shut his mouth. He pouted and made his way to the table to wait for the food.

“Don’t pout. It doesn’t suit you.” Minho jokes and Seungmin juts his lips even more. Just to annoy Minho. The older one just shook his head, amused at his behaviour.

They fall into another comfortable silence. With Minho smiling and Seungmin watching him with a smile, too.

The two fell into silence as they got into the car. They were both tasked to go grocery shopping for the group after losing the game they played earlier in the pool.

Seungmin’s attempt at making small talk failed and they just sat there silently.

Seungmin looks back at the times they were still talkative with each other. Bright eyes and lips that are neverending opening to tell each other a story. The time of the world wasn’t enough for them back then. Staying awake until dawn just because they talked about things. Deeply or not.

He wonders if Minho got tired of him.

He steals a glance and immediately looks outside the window when he feels his eyes water at the thought of his hyung getting tired of him.

A sprinkle of water from the shower is enough to melt the shampoo from your hair and hurt your eyes, after all. He closes his eyes tightly to get everything out. Wants the tears to slide down but it just refuses to. He feels betrayed, wonders if he can still cry because of this. He had cried a mountain amount of times before due to these kinds of thoughts and maybe, he was now tired of it all. Let the water run through his hair and take the shampoo away.

The kids they saw on their way home was what lightened the atmosphere. They smiled and laughed and talked, recalling a specific memory about Minho knocking someone out with a liver punch. They both smile widely at the memory and fall into a light conversation.

Seungmin feels happy. He wants to stay like this. To have Minho beside him and talk to him like in the pre debut days. He looks for the old them in his memories and compares it to the now version. He frowned a little bit, he knew they had been distant with each other but he didn’t expect that the sea between them was this…vast. He already looked across and thought that he wouldn’t make it to the shore no matter what he did.

But honestly speaking, that was just his speculation. And now, looking at the dark, dark surroundings and water before him scares him.

He wants Minho to come and save him.

He waits for a few moments, few seconds, few hours, few days, few weeks, few months, and few years all while rowing his boat.

Minho still hasn’t met him in the middle.

Seungmin woke up today with a pounding headache. It was as if someone was trying to worm its way through his head and drill his brains out.

“What the fuck…” he mumbles, clutching his head as it throbs. He whined quietly, not wanting the others to know that he has an impending fever even though he was still in his room.

“Kim Seungmin! What are you waiting for? We’re going to be late!” right. They have a schedule today. And he can’t let the others know about his current state. He’s too afraid that they’ll let him stay instead of going with them. He doesn’t want to burden others.

“Coming!” he shouts a little weakly. When he heard footsteps walk away from his room, he quickly gathered his things and ran towards his and Minho’s shared bathroom. Maybe a bath will make him feel better.

He sighs the moment he gets inside the shower, quickly turning it to warm water. His head was still pounding but he ignored it. After all, he believes that it’ll last longer if he thinks consistently that it hurts. Which is something that he doesn’t need right now so he breathes in deeply and tries to forget about how shitty he feels.

They are now back at their practice room, the time seemingly infuriatingly slow. He could still stand with his own feet but he’s wobbling, his knees getting weak under him. He closes his eyes for a moment, willing the headache to go away.

“Seungminnie, you okay?” He hears Hyunjin asking him. He opens his eyes and shoots the taller one a smile. “Yes, just tired, Jinnie.” Hyunjin nods and sits beside him. It was their break time so it was just them catching their breaths and wetting their throats that felt dry after hours of practising. Seungmin was surprised he came this far into the day.

Minho watches the two interact, an ugly feeling on his gut when he sees Seungmin laughing and smiling uncontrollably at something Hyunjin is saying. He knows that feeling is wrong so he just hides whatever it is underneath his stoic face. But he couldn’t help his fist to tightly close, his knuckles turning white.

This wasn’t the first time he has felt something like this and he always hides it beneath the carpet. Like dirt that needs to be taken away he refuses to completely brush it off so he hides it underneath something. Minho had always been observant of the younger ever since he felt some…unfamiliar feelings.

He remained the same while analysing what those feelings meant. Always getting grumpy or upset whenever the younger chooses to spend time with other members or when the younger looks at him as if he’s contemplating whether to tell him something or not. Minho can’t read him every time that happens. Those naive and trembling eyes directed towards him. He feels like he did something that he’s not aware of and he hates it.

The moment they got home, Seungmin rushed to their shared bathroom to empty his stomach. It’s a wonder his body decided to give up after almost a full day. He rushed to it so quietly and normal that it would’ve fooled the other three if it wasn’t for the retching sounds coming from him.

“Seungmin-hyung? Are you okay?” Jeongin asked, worried for his hyung. It wasn’t the first time Seungmin had gotten sick but it was his first time hearing Seungmin vomiting up. He looks at Felix and Minho who were standing beside him, just as worried as he is.

Especially Minho.

He had noticed that something felt wrong about the younger but he couldn’t pinpoint what it was so he just let it slide and proceeded with his day. He’s currently trying to not feel any guilt because he knows it’s not his fault but he couldn’t help it. Worried eyes and aching chest for the younger sounding so sick.

“I’m okay, Iyen-ah.” Seungmin answers weakly from the inside, not sounding convincing at least one bit. “Hyung! You’re clearly not okay!” Jeongin shouts a little loud that it made all of them flinch, especially Seungmin who’s a little more sensitive to noise than usual.

“I’m coming in!” Seungmin did not have enough time to lock the door. Before Jeongin could let himself in, the door opened, revealing Seungmin who looked like he just escaped death himself. Dark eyebags, tired eyes, and dry lips. Minho frowns, seeing him look like that pains his heart.

“Someone needs to look after you, Minnie. You’re clearly not okay. Do you want me to call Chan-hyung?” Felix states and Minho grimaces at that. Why would Felix bother Chan when he was right there behind them? Was he not aware of his presence? Or he deemed Minho as someone who’s incapable of taking care of someone. Of Seungmin.

“Then…” Seungmin looked at him for a moment and he felt hopeful for a bit that the younger one would choose him this time.

“Innie, do you think you can look after me for a while?”

Minho walks away, not even sparing a glance back to Seungmin, hands clenched in fists, the inside of his cheek being worried by his teeth, and his face stoic.

After Seungmin recovered, he had noticed that Minho felt more distant from him lately and he’s not liking it one bit. He was fine with their distance before but this time, it felt suffocating. He doesn’t know if he did something wrong for the older to act like he’s a plague.

Minho was completely ignoring him but the older one is cautious whenever the others are around. But if it was just the two of them, especially at their own dorm, it felt like he was the only person inside. Usually, they will still hangout in the kitchen or the living room, cooking together and playing some games that are recommended by Felix.

Today, it was just the two of them with Minho holed up in his room. Seungmin was in the living room, a coffee table in front of the couch full of snacks, two cups of coffee, and two game controllers beside it. He is waiting for the older one to come out.

Ever since Dekira and Bikira had ended, it became a routine for them to hangout on Monday nights. Sometimes, whenever their schedules aren’t that tight or they’re not too tired, they spend the night together. Seungmin missed their late night walks after Dekira or coffee shop trips but he wasn’t about to complain about the late night games with one another.

Right now, though, he was alone in the living room. His eyes roamed around the area as if Minho will suddenly appear wherever he lands his eyes onto. Pathetic little heart hoping that he was just imagining Minho becoming a little more distant. Hoping that the older wasn’t actually treating him like he’s some plague that’s deadly.

But he believes he is. Some deadly plague. A plague that is only applicable to him.

Because his heart feels like stopping any moment when Minho comes out of his room, looking at the coffee table and walking away. Seungmin feels rejected. He grits his teeth quietly and stands up.

Contrary to popular belief, a pillar does crumble sometimes. A time where something it supports goes down a little due to the pillar losing some of its height when curling into itself. But it still stands, just curling in some self consciousness whenever they couldn’t help it anymore. When feelings get the best of them, weighing from the top, rendering the pillar weak until some part of it cracks and crumbles down to the ground, it can’t help but let some of its feelings down.

And maybe, maybe, Seungmin is tired and needs a little moment to let everything down, to curl into himself, to hug himself, and speak for what he’s feeling. So he’s there in the kitchen with Minho’s back turned against him. He clenches and lets go of his fist for a few times, finding the right words to say.

But his mouth ran away from him before he could process it.

“Hyung…why are you avoiding me? It’s hurting me, you know? It hurts when the person you like acts as if they regret meeting you.”

Minho turns around at that and Seungmin thinks it was just his eyes playing tricks on him when Minho’s eyes widens a little bit before turning back into those cat-like eyes. Cold and unreadable.

“You- you act as if I’m just air. I don’t even know where I’m supposed to stand in your life because- because it feels like I don’t have a place in it anymore. You’re always having a great time with the other members while I- while we just spend time with each other because of something like the radio or that one time we became some representatives. Hyung, why can’t you look at me the same way you look at others?”

Seungmin can’t stop. Repressed feelings dripping down from his tongue— feelings that he had kept away from years to keep the balance of everything. But now, the scale tips on the other side and Seungmin doesn’t stop himself from sliding down.

Minho scoffs and looks at Seungmin.

“You’re jealous? Really, Kim Seungmin? Is that what you’re feeling all this time towards our members?” Seungmin knows it’s wrong. To feel jealous when he had said to himself that he doesn’t have a right to. That being jealous of his members looks and feels completely nonsense and like he’s feeling something ugly towards the members.

But rationality had long since ran away from him the moment he decided to follow Minho to the kitchen.

“I can’t help it, okay?! I can’t help these- these feelings, this jealousy, just everything! What can I do when I love you?! When I can’t even tell where I should stand?”

Tears fell from Seungmin’s eyes at last. Days, weeks, months, and years of hiding what he feels got him.

Minho’s heart breaks at sight, not knowing what to do. He was the reason for those eyes sparkling sad. They were sparkling but not the spark he loves.

He doesn’t know anymore, either.

“It’s not my fault you love me, Kim Seungmin. I am not responsible for whatever bullshit you’re feeling.”

His brain processed what he said late. Seungmin’s tears stopped, eyes blinking for help at him.

His hand reaches out when Seungmin walks away.

His hand was still at his side when he blinked. A coward. The door to their dorm didn’t slam as he expected. Seungmin wasn’t the type to break things whenever he’s upset, after all.

The older one sits at the kitchen, hands trembling even when he clenches them. It doesn’t help. Nothing helps to calm his shaking body, that looks like a leaf falling down from its branch, and nothing could stop his wobbling lips.

He feels so shitty. He knows he fucked up.

The thing is, Minho had come to terms with his feelings. He didn’t fight it one bit because even though it felt wrong, it felt just right at the same time. Felt right that it was Seungmin who he had fallen for. It was Seungmin who his heart chose.

It was Seungmin.

It’s still Seungmin.

The first time he felt jealous was when Seungmin had become clingy with Changbin. The two were inseparable. They hold hands, hugs each other, sit on each other’s lap, flirt with each other, just things Minho wants to do with Seungmin but can’t because of their fucking divorced dynamic.

Minho enjoyed it. He truly does. But his brain always processes what his mouth says and body does before actually trying to stop himself from acting as Seungmin’s husband late.

From the sidelines, he always watched out for the younger. Doing something for him in disguise of accidentally doing it. Be it cooking a cup of ramen and saying it was leftovers, giving him his hoodie saying he has a spare in his bag so Seungmin should be thankful he’s lucky (even though he actually brought spare hoodies with him just for Seungmin), and other things that takes care of the younger in such a Minho way.

He’s not that overly open about his affections for Seungmin. But God knows he wants nothing more but to loiter his cute naturally pouty face with kisses, cuddle him until he’s tired of Minho, and other things they had done pre-debut that they can’t do nowadays for the dynamic their family skit had created.

Minho thought it was okay at first, the family skit. Call him sick in his face for being happy that he’s married to Seungmin even though it was just an act but the bottomline is: he is married to Seungmin. So sue him if he immediately agreed back then on playing Seungmin’s wife.

He didn’t expect the plot of the story would be them divorcing. God, if he knew, he would’ve probably said no. But it seems like all the people around them decided that the dynamic was perfect for them so they were assigned to that. Really, how could they put them together for that kind of act when they were so cuddly with each other back then? Should he have just kissed Seungmin so they could’ve seen he was overly fond of the younger?

But Minho can’t really blame any one as he himself wasn’t aware of his feelings if the younger hadn’t been clingy with Changbin. For one, Lee Minho does not hold any ugly feelings for the younger. He was rather thankful that someone was out there to do the things to Seungmin that he wanted to do.

The problem? He’s jealous as fuck.

That should have been him. That could have been him if they just didn’t heed the company’s want to make them act like some divorced couple. Because, say it or not, Minho knows that that created some shift in their relationship. A vast sea was suddenly between him and Seungmin and no matter which way he rows to, he can’t find Seungmin.

He’s trying.

And he’s not going to stop.

But right now, he needs to fix things up before it worsens and he will really lose Seungmin. He won’t see Seungmin even if he reaches the shore and searches the whole sea.

“You should talk to him, Minho-hyung.” Minho was not expecting that he’s the person he’ll confide his problem with. Changbin watches him with a worried gaze and eyebrows. “I know opening up an emotion to another is hard and not all of us are used to that but you have to try, hyung. Because, I’m sorry to say this, at this point, you will lose Seungmin.”

It hits Minho’s heart and mind. The word “lose”. He is going to lose someone precious in his life and it’s his fault. Why can’t he be like the other people who are good with their words and feelings? Why is he built like this?

“Hyung. Hyung, being not open with your feelings to some extent is not wrong, you know? There are times when we don’t really want to look vulnerable in front of someone. Especially in front of someone we love. But there are also times that we have to, we need to, and we want to. And I think you will know yourself if you want to.”

Changbin stands up and pats Minho’s shoulder before giving him a small smile.

“Seungmin’s currently in my room. If you want to talk, feel free.” and with that Changbin leaves. Seungmin and Minho are the only ones in their dorm— 3RETCHA’s dorm. He could take this opportunity to talk to him but his heart wasn’t really ready at the moment.

He stands up and heads to the kitchen to cook some food for Seungmin. After that, he passes by Changbin’s door and stops. He heard sobs inside and he couldn’t help but hate the way it sounded. He bits the inside of his cheek and closes his eyes.

He walks away after sparing one last glance to the room Seungmin was in.

Minho decides he’ll talk to him on his birthday. If the others had noticed the shift in Seungmin’s way of interacting with Minho, they didn’t say anything. After all, almost all of them know the two have some special relationship that only they can have and they do not have the guts nor rights to question that.

Minho had talked to Chan about this and the older immediately agreed, relieved that he doesn’t need to make an intervention for the two to make up. He’s confident that they will make up so he just gives Minho a supporting smile and an approval nod.

The days before Seungmin’s birthday were quite suffocating. They all know Seungmin is reserved most of the time, his introverted side showing whenever he wants but this Seungmin was different. This Seungmin wasn’t on a scale that tips between himself and other versions of himself, no, he’s out of the scale. He’s at a stone, cold and unmoving.

They have been walking around eggshells whenever he’s around, especially those who know what the younger one really is feeling. The only brave soul who dared to stand up and annoy the shit out of him was Chan. Of course, it was. Usually, it would be Minho but he was the object of such facade that he tampens down the jealousy he feels when he sees Chan forcefully being one with Seungmin.

He practices and practices the lines he wants to say to Seungmin every night as if it was his new routine, imagines all the possible scenes that could happen before, during, and after the talk that he’s planning to have with the younger.

He wasn’t an overly thinker but right now, he’s using all of his time by doing exactly that. But no one could blame him, the rest feeling anxious and worried as he was.

Seungmin’s birthday.

Minho stares at the calendar with a big circle on the 22nd of the month of September. It was Seungmin’s birthday and he held his breath. He greets him first in his bubble. Sending 5 멍s that meant “I love you, Kim Seungmin.” for him. But for the others? It was just him barking.

He couldn’t fall asleep even as he tried to. He stands up, makes his way to his door just to stop when he hears footsteps outside. He’s pretty sure Jeongin and Felix are already asleep after greeting Seungmin. So the only possible person who could be tiptoeing right now was Seungmin.

His curiosity got the best out of him and opens his door to look for the person.

Then, there Kim Seungmin was, in the kitchen, sitting alone and holding his head between his hands as if he’s tired and his headaches are making him feel that way. Minho frowns, not really expecting that. He was about to call him softly when he heard a soft sob coming from the younger.

He was trying to suppress it, the shaking of his shoulders and the quick wiping away of his face says so. For the nth time, Minho’s heart broke into little pieces as he watches and listens to Seungmin sobbing quietly to himself. He was glad that the younger one decided to do this at their kitchen because if he remained in his room, no one would’ve known.

For the first time, Minho was thankful he couldn’t fall asleep even as he wanted to. He quietly made his way to the chair beside Seungmin and pulled it softly to sit at it. His heart aches at the realisation that Seungmin hasn’t even noticed him yet, too busy trying to keep his feelings inside.

He didn’t say anything.

He couldn’t say anything.

The words he practised over and over again ran away from him and never came back, leaving him there empty handed. He opens his mouth to say something but nothing comes out and he’s starting to hate himself for it.

Why can’t he just say it? Why can’t he just let out the words that he knows that the younger needed? That he needed. His hands shake ever so lightly that it was easy to stop by just squeezing his hand repeatedly.

Before he could stop himself, his hand reached for Seungmin’s hand that was supporting his head. The younger flinches, surprised at the sudden touch. This, the reaching for the younger, was the thing he couldn’t do that night and now, his body had decided for him. He needed that touch for as long as he could remember and now he’s doing it.

Seungmin’s vulnerable facade immediately dispersed and changed into something more stoic as if he wasn’t crying earlier. He tries pulling himself out of the older’s grip but Minho wasn’t going to let him go. He didn’t want to let him go. Not this time.

Not when he finally catches the sand in his hand that always drifts away with waves of sea between them.

“Hy-”

“Please…just for a few minutes, Min-ah.” Minho whispers, holding his own tears back when he sees tears already building up again on Seungmin’s eyes. “If this is about what you said that night, then it’s okay, hyung. I’m okay.” he says as if that wasn’t the sole reason he’s crying almost every night.

He yanks his hand away from Minho’s hold, catching the older off guard.

“You-you’re right, you are not responsible for whatever bullshit I’m feeling, hyung. I chose to love you and have- have these ugly feelings towards our members and I’m sorry. I’m sorry, hyung. I’m sorry I loved you.”

Kim Seungmin. The person Minho vowed to protect was in front of him, lips going downwards before looking up to prevent his tears from falling. Minho’s heart aches as Seungmin’s face crumbles into an expression he hadn’t seen before and it’s his fault. He knows it’s his fault for causing that and he hates himself to the core.

“Just give me time, hyung. I’m…I’m sure all of these will eventually fade…” Seungmin whispers, wiping his tears away, not even looking at Minho. The latter doesn’t want that. He’s selfish, he knows.

But he wants Seungmin to love him the way he does. He wants Seungmin to be the one he wakes up to every morning and be the last one he sees before sleeping. He wants Seungmin as the person who steals his hoodie, the one he bickers with over the simplest things, the one who’d be the first one who’ll taste his cooking, the one he’ll goes to whenever he needs cuddles, the one who will be with him until the end of time.

He wants Kim Seungmin and no one else.

So he steps forward until Seungmin is within an arm reach again and softly grips the back of his head to push it against the crook of his neck, the other hand wrapping itself to his waist and pulling him closer. Seungmin stiffens but Minho just hugs him tighter until he feels the younger one relaxing.

“I’m sorry, Seungmin. I…” he trails off, looking for the words that had run away from him before. He found none and was absolutely relieved by that. Maybe he needs to be vulnerable, too. To say raw feelings and not the ones he repeatedly practices before.

“Hyung doesn’t mean any of that. Kim Seungmin, I love you. In the same way you do. I love you and I want to. So please…please, don’t let your feelings for me fade.”

To say that Kim Seungmin was heartbroken, in a good way, was an understatement. He can’t describe the things he’s feeling right. But there’s a nagging feeling inside him as he grips Minho’s shirt in response.

“What if he’s saying all these because he’s pityi—”

“I will spend every lifetime of mine, if needed, convincing you that I, Lee Minho, truly love you.” and Seungmin breakdowns all over again. He hits Minho’s chest over and over again lightly, sobbing and crying into his neck all while Minho holds him tight, whispering words of assurances and love and affection and all of those things he wanted to say.

They spend a few minutes there, hugging each other.

Minho gently guides Seungmin’s head to lay down on his pillows. The older had carried him, despite the younger’s silent protest, to his room. Minho’s room.

He then lays down beside him, hand immediately reaching for Seungmin’s waist up to his back to pull him closer when he sees the younger being hesitant to get close to him. He smiles softly when he hears and feels the younger breathing in relief.

“I’m not dreaming?” Seungmin whispers, rapidly blinking his eyes as if Minho will suddenly disappear. “No, do you want me to pinch yo-ow!” Minho yelps, feeling a pinch on his arm that was draped over Seungmin’s body to hold him close. “Oh, I’m really not dreaming.” Seungmin says cheekily, prompting Minho to huff.

Silence surrounds them after that and it’s just the two of them staring into each other’s eyes. Minho knows it was him who leaned forward. Their lips crashed into one another softly, not rushing anything. Seungmin basks in the gentleness Minho was treating him. They leaned their forehead against each other after pulling away, just to catch their breath.

Minho drops kisses all over his face, the thing he always wanted to do to the younger and was rewarded with giggles. He pulls back and blinks at the younger and decided that he fucking loves the reaction so he leans in again, kissing every skin he could on Seungmin’s face before dropping a much longer kiss to lips.

Seungmin sighs into the kiss as Minho smiles into it.

When they pull away, Minho just tightens his hold to the younger one a bit more, his heart pounding loudly when Seungmin snuggles into his chest. Both of them don’t say anything about Minho’s heart beating loudly. Seungmin’s breath eventually even and Minho’s heart swells with pride as he looks down at the younger and sees him smiling peacefully in his sleep.

He drops a kiss to the crown of his head and sighs.

His hand went underneath Seungmin’s shirt to feel his back and oh. It’s so warm that Minho’s already addicted to it. His thumb draws words into it as if trying to reach Seungmin in his dreamland.

He holds Seungmin close, basking in the warmth he’s feeling. He looks up and sees that he’s no longer looking at the cold, dark sea that surrounds him. It’s no longer cold and he’s no longer looking uselessly for Seungmin. The same goes for Seungmin in his dreamland.

It was funny, they think. No one was on the other end of the sea between them. They just had to look back in the boat they were in and there, they would see each other. They were always sitting with each other thinking they’re supposed to look for one another from faraway.

“I love you. Thank you for staying.” and if Seungmin feels that in his back and hears that in his dreamland, then that’s for him to know.