The Dating App

Chat Noir and Marinette cross paths on Paris’ newest dating app and keep crossing paths until secrets slip.
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[MDC]: why are you here
[OfficialChatNoir]: we matched! shall we go out for sweethearts ice cream?
[MDC]: i’m blocking you
[OfficialChatNoir]: wait wait marinette wait
*[MDC] has blocked you*

Work Text:

*[MDC] has unblocked you*

[MDC]: first akuma you saved me from

[OfficialChatNoir]: Evillustrator.

[MDC]: when was my grandmother akumatized

[OfficialChatNoir]: Your fifteenth birthday.

[MDC]: which miraculous did ladybug give me

[OfficialChatNoir]: Mullo.

[MDC]: shit it really is you

[OfficialChatNoir]: PRINCESS USED PROFANITY

[OfficialChatNoir]: S A C R I L E D G E

[MDC]: you’re so dramatic

[OfficialChatNoir]: You love me!

[MDC]: why are you here

[OfficialChatNoir]: Why don’t you use punctuation or capitalization? It’s really hard to read your tone.

[MDC]: my tone is deadpan disbelief

[OfficialChatNoir]: In that case I am reading your tone correctly!

[MDC]: why are you here chat

[OfficialChatNoir]: Why do people use a dating app, Marinette?

[MDC]: youre a handsome superhero and bachelor at his physical prime why would YOU of all people use a dating app

[OfficialChatNoir]: You think I’m handsome?

[MDC]: have you seen the #chat noir thirst tweets tag? the world thinks youre handsome

[OfficialChatNoir]: It means more coming from you.

[MDC]: i’m flattered.

[OfficialChatNoir]: That was sarcasm.

[MDC]: oh hes smart too

[OfficialChatNoir]: That was also sarcasm.

[OfficialChatNoir]: I just came out here to have a good time and I’m feeling really attacked right now.

[MDC]: does ladybug know that youre out here trying to deflower internet maidens?

[OfficialChatNoir]: This cat favours both lords and ladies, princess.

[MDC]: pardon me

[MDC]: does ladybug know that youre trying to deflower internet lords and ladies?

[OfficialChatNoir]: I told her that I was making an account so she shouldn’t be surprised.

[MDC]: perhaps she didnt expect you to use your superhero identity

[OfficialChatNoir]: There are complications using my civilian identity.

[MDC]: like what

[OfficialChatNoir]: Like being too damn handsome

[MDC]: who do you think you are jin from BTS?

[OfficialChatNoir]: I sense that that was also sarcasm.

[MDC]: why did you swipe right on my profile

OfficalChatNoir: it is two in the morning why are you awake

[MDC]: where is your punctuation and capitalization lol

[OfficialChatNoir]: ¿It Is tWO iN tHe mORniNg whY Are You awAKe?

[MDC]: lol

[OfficialChatNoir]: I saw your face and I was like OH! MARINETTE! And my thumb went swish

[MDC]: are you lonely?

[MDC]: if you wanted to talk you could just text me you didn’t need to use the DMs on a dating app

[OfficialChatNoir]: I also wanted a chat on this platform that I could re-read which wasn’t full of photographs of genitals.

[MDC]: fair.

[OfficialChatNoir]: Why did you swipe right on MY profile?

[MDC]: shouldnt you be in school right now

[OfficialChatNoir]: I’m a part time student, I’m at my job.

[MDC]: what do you study?

[OfficialChatNoir]: Answer me first

[MDC]: i swiped right because i wanted to know what douche was using your identity to get chicks

[OfficialChatNoir]: What would you have done if I wasn’t Chat Noir?

[MDC]: doxxed you probs

[OfficialChatNoir]: Defending me from identity fraud? You are my champion, Princess.

[MDC]: what do you study?

[OfficialChatNoir]: I major in Fun and minor in Matters of Your Heart

[MDC]: oh. theatre.

[OfficialChatNoir]: LOL!

[OfficialChatNoir]: Why are YOU on a dating app???

[MDC]: i sense an insult

[OfficialChatNoir]: Far from it!

[OfficialChatNoir]: You’re a competent leader, you’re charismatic, you’re funny, passionate, multi-talented, an incredible gamer, hella cute and hella kickass. People like you don’t NEED dating apps! They have guys and gals lining up for them around the block!

[MDC]: i sense sarcasm

[OfficialChatNoir]: Okay maybe I laid it on a bit too thick but every word is true!

[MDC]: what i’m looking for I cant get from the social circles im currently in

[OfficialChatNoir]: What are you looking for? ONS? QPR? Thruple?

[MDC]: fwb

[OfficialChatNoir]: Why?

[MDC]: are you judging me right now?

[OfficialChatNoir]: Not at all, Princess! I will be the last man on Earth who questions the reasons why a woman chooses to do what she desires with her sexuality!

[MDC]: youre literally questioning why i want a fwb

[OfficialChatNoir]: In a curious capacity, not a judgmental one.

[OfficialChatNoir]: Still there, Marinette?

[MDC]: i’m curious. i want to experiment with someone i trust.

[OfficialChatNoir]: Marinette I’m flattered but…

[MDC]: i’m blocking you.

[OfficialChatNoir]: wait wait Marinette wait

*[MDC] has blocked you*

*[MDC] has unblocked you*

[OfficialChatNoir]: Can we also talk about topics involving sex or do you want to keep this chat platonic?

[MDC]: we can talk about sex. whats on your mind?

[OfficialChatNoir]: Is it weird to prefer oral sex?

[MDC]: short answer no.

[OfficialChatNoir]: What’s the long answer?

[MDC]: the long answer is that your preferences are your own and if youre safe happy healthy and communicating effectively with your partner(s) and everyone consents then youre doing nothing wrong. people like to vilify people for enjoying different things but those people often come from a place of insecurity so you can feel free to ignore them.

[MDC]: dont ask yourself if something is weird because the minute you do youll be tamping down on your own pleasurable experience. it’s okay to be excited about these things. no shame. just be safe.

[OfficialChatNoir]: I’m glad I asked you. Thank you.

[MDC]: you like giving or receiving?

[OfficialChatNoir]: Giving.

[MDC]: lucky them

[OfficialChatNoir]: I haven’t done anything of the sort yet. I just saw something online and I think I might like that.

[MDC]: valid. do you know about dental dams?

[OfficialChatNoir]: That’s a kind of protection, right?

[MDC]: right. you know how to make one out of a condom?

[OfficialChatNoir]: Isn’t it fine if we’re both clean?

[MDC]: better safe than sorry.

[OfficialChatNoir]: No, I don’t know how to make a dental dam out of a condom.

[MDC]: i’ll send you a link.

[OfficialChatNoir]: Is it true that it’s a fallacy that women enjoy penetration?

[MDC]: i am guessing that there are no girls your age you could pose these questions to

[OfficialChatNoir]: You’re a girl my age.

[MDC]: cant argue with that logic

[MDC]: the short answer is that it depends on the woman.

[OfficialChatNoir]: What’s the long answer?

[MDC]: there are a lot of factors involved in vaginal penetration

[MDC]: for example depending on where she is in her cycle her cervix might be too low to enjoy penetration.

[OfficialChatNoir]: The cervix MOVES?

[MDC]: yeah i found out too when i transitioned to menstrual cups.

[OfficialChatNoir]: What else makes penetration painful?

[MDC]: being small bodied, lack of arousal, not enough lube, mental unpreparedness, a combination of the aforementioned, maybe on the penetrating’s side the instrument’s size or shape might be causing too much friction, etc.

[OfficialChatNoir]: What makes penetration pleasant?

[MDC]: LOTS of lubrication, pressure around the entrance, FOREPLAY FOREPLAY FOREPLAY, stimulation of the clitoris

[MDC]: the clitoris is by the way not this small nub, there’s a whole organ inside the body around the vagina made of erection tissue that flushes with blood when aroused

[OfficialChatNoir]: I remember hearing about that in a documentary. It was mapped out in its entirety in 2005 for the first time in like a hundred years, since in the time in between Sigmund Freud had everyone convinced that a woman’s pleasure was juvenile. A lot of people forget that he was lowkey harassed by his peers to create theories that were conventional for the time; if he didn’t he’d have been shamed out of the scientific community.

[OfficialChatNoir]: Not that that excuses him propagating harmful rhetoric, of course.

[MDC]: wow youre a nerd

[OfficialChatNoir]: …yeah.

[MDC]: you watch documentaries about sex?

[OfficialChatNoir]: Is that weird?

[MDC]: not at all. its refreshing.

[OfficialChatNoir]: Should I put that in my bio? CHAT NOIR: WATCHES SEX EDUCATION DOCUMENTARIES.

[MDC]: absolutely.

[OfficialChatNoir]: I can’t tell if that’s sarcasm or not.

[MDC]: what does penetration feel like from a man’s perspective?

[OfficialChatNoir]: No idea.

[OfficialChatNoir]: I’ve read though that it feels like falling into a warm pie penis first.

[MDC]: as a baker this offends me

[OfficialChatNoir]: LOL!

[MDC]: that also sounds painful

[OfficialChatNoir]: I got the sense that the speaker wasn’t talking about falling from a great height, Marinette.

[MDC]: Ha.

[MDC]: tough akuma today. How are you doing?

[OfficialChatNoir]: Can I geek over LB for a bit?

[MDC]: youre not going to be gross, are you?

[OfficialChatNoir]: I am a gentleman!

[OfficialChatNoir]: I also have no-one else to talk to about my crush.

[MDC]: i dont think i’m the best confidant for the job. dont you have friends?

[OfficialChatNoir]: Friends that will believe me when I tell them that I am in love with Paris’ most foremost superhero and NO it is not a celebrity crush?

[MDC]: one of*

[OfficialChatNoir]: Excuse me?

[MDC]: ladybug is ONE of Paris’ foremost superheroes.

[OfficialChatNoir]: Ladybug is everyone’s favourite though.

[MDC]: chat noir is my favorite actually

[OfficialChatNoir]: You make this cat swoon, Princess. Thank you.

[OfficialChatNoir]: Can I really not make you my confidant in matters of the heart?

[MDC]: i don’t think it would be fair to you. ladybug knows me pretty well.

[OfficialChatNoir]: Oh it’ll be weird for you, huh

[MDC]: yeah

[OfficialChatNoir]: Sorry.

[MDC]: out of curiosity why is that the first thing you want to talk about after the akuma battle?

[OfficialChatNoir]: LB is so radiant and strong and she knew exactly what to do and she—

[OfficialChatNoir]: Did you and LB used to date?

[MDC]: thats an interesting interpretation

[OfficialChatNoir]: Am I wrong?

[MDC]: why would you think I used to date her?

[OfficialChatNoir]: Because I sense that she doesn’t really like you? YOU DIDN’T HEAR IT FROM ME AND ALSO I MIGHT BE WRONG. But she has no reason to keep you off the Miracle Team. Hawkmoth and Mayura are off the table, and while we don’t know who has the peacock Miraculous, it’s likely safe to say that we can use the other members, because Rena Rogue has been a permanent member for a good year now and our new Peacock holder has never attacked Alya Césaire.

[OfficialChatNoir]: WAIT YOU KNEW THAT ALYA WAS RENA ROGUE RIGHT??

[MDC]: yes, have you forgotten i was caught up in the Sentibubbler attack because Shadowmoth knew who she was?

[OfficialChatNoir]: Just checking. Whew!

[OfficialChatNoir]: Did you and LB used to date?

[MDC]: no, that would NEVER happen.

[OfficialChatNoir]: Why not? She’s amazing

[MDC]: take off the rose tinted glasses and youll see shes a little less than lovely

[OfficialChatNoir]: Don’t speak poorly of her.

[MDC]: no need to threaten me. i bet she would even agree with me.

[OfficialChatNoir]: Ladybug is an incredible person. Don’t speak poorly of her.

[MDC]: you put her on a pedestal. i see that shes human.

[MDC]: and some of her flaws turn me off.

[MDC]: that doesnt mean she’s bad or im bad.

[OfficialChatNoir]: You sound like you know her well.

[MDC]: only as well as i know you. and i’m not clouded by my love for her to think she’s so perfect she could never put a foot wrong.

[OfficialChatNoir]: I don’t think she’s perfect.

[MDC]: of course not. i’m going to bed.

[OfficialChatNoir]: …Night night, Marinette.

[MDC]: i was so in love with buttercup to the point that i memorized his schedule for three years at a time, i made him birthday presents for the next fifty years, i learned what medications he took, his allergies, the prescription for his contacts and glasses, what diets he took, what his favourite foods were and his favourite fabrics to rub to his cheek.

[MDC]: and then i learned that I didn’t know him very much at all

[MDC]: i’m sorry i attacked the way you gush about LB. i guess i am jealous of your courage to love.

[OfficialChatNoir]: what happened

[MDC]: Are you upset with me?

[OfficialChatNoir]: too tired to use proper punctuation but im listening promise

[OfficialChatNoir]: talk to me

[OfficialChatNoir]: why do you think you didn’t know him as well as you thought you did

[MDC]: a weird situation happened, i mistook him for someone else, and i really believed him in that moment. If I KNEW him i would have known that buttercup wouldnt have acted like that.

[MDC]: how could i say i knew him when i was so easily fooled over his identity? it made me want to give up on him

[OfficialChatNoir]: did you?

[MDC]: no

[MDC]: i enjoy loving him, even if hes ignorant of my feelings for him

[OfficialChatNoir]: thats kinda beautiful

[MDC]: i like to think that were friends now. we’re close, but i make sure were never alone, because hell smile at me and i immediately remember the house and three children and hamster I want to have with him

[OfficialChatNoir]: that sounds beautiful

[MDC]: a guy once told me it was creepy to have a fictional family planned out with a boy whose radar im not even on

[OfficialChatNoir]: well that guy was wrong, because fantasies are a healthy biproduct of a creative and growing mind. No shame!

[MDC]: lol is that our rallying cry now? no shame?

[OfficialChatNoir]: yes!

[OfficialChatNoir]: Ff buttercup thinks it sounds creepy then he’s unworthy of your affection and you’re better off turning your attentions elsewhere!

[MDC]: turn to who? to you?

[OfficialChatNoir]: I sense the sarcasm in that remark and will not dignify it with a response.

[MDC]: I’ll let you sleep kitty

[OfficialChatNoir]: goodnight marinette

[MDC]: am I cute, sexy, pretty, or handsome?

[OfficialChatNoir]: is this a trick question

[MDC]: no capitalization or punctuation today?

[OfficialChatNoir]: i’m intimidated by your trick question

[MDC]: its not a trick question. i have come to an unflattering reality about asking for sex.

[OfficialChatNoir]: And what’s that?

[MDC]: it doesn’t matter what i look like or who i am. if a person wants sex, they just want sex. not me.

[OfficialChatNoir]: I can understand why I’d be disillusioned, but why are you? I thought that’s what you were looking for.

[MDC]: i’m looking for twenty percent emotional connection twenty percent mutual respect and sixty percent physical chemistry.

[OfficialChatNoir]: And you’re looking for this on a dating site?

[MDC]: where else am i supposed to look?!

[OfficialChatNoir]: Did you ASK any of your friends if they’re interested in exploring a physical relationship with you? I find it hard to believe not even one would at least consider it.

[MDC]: right. would you walk up to one of YOUR friends and ask them to have sex with you?

[OfficialChatNoir]: I would at least ask them out to dinner first.

[MDC]: lol

[OfficialChatNoir]: We both know I’m not that kind of cat, though. I’m a far more sentimental creature.

[MDC]: if so then why are you on a DATING SITE??

[OfficialChatNoir]: I was hoping to make my lady jealous.

[MDC]: how is that working out for you

[OfficialChatNoir]: She’s indifferent. I’d mention I’m talking up a pretty girl every day and she’d just smile at me.

[MDC]: are you talking about me?

[OfficialChatNoir]: You’re the only reason I still have an account, Marinette.

[MDC]: again: you could just TEXT me

[OfficialChatNoir]: I like re-reading our conversations.

[OfficialChatNoir]: Is that creepy?

[MDC]: maybe

[OfficialChatNoir]: Oh.

[MDC]: i find it flattering though.

[OfficialChatNoir]: Aw.

[OfficialChatNoir]: You’re pretty, but sometimes there’s something sensual about you, especially when you stand up to political figures or go toe to toe with people like Audre Bourgeoise. Your passion is sexy.

[MDC]: what this tells me is that you have a sub kink

[OfficialChatNoir]: No comment.

[MDC]: LMAO I WAS KIDDING

[MDC]: thanks for the compliment

[OfficialChatNoir]: What do you look for in a man?

[MDC]: this princess likes lords and ladies.

[OfficialChatNoir]: I beg your pardon. What does Your Highness seek in a suitor?

[MDC]: green eyes blonde hair great sense of humour but less than impeccable timing gentlemanly but also a little bit of a cad and looks hot in a black suit

[OfficialChatNoir]: I was being serious.

[MDC]: the funny thing is so was i

[MDC]: you turn down my confession so callously, chaton

[MDC]: you break this princess’ heart

[MDC]: “Off with his head!”

[OfficialChatNoir]: Marineeeeeeette

[MDC]: why are you asking?

[OfficialChatNoir]: I know some of your friends and I’m wondering why you don’t ask them to knock boots with you.

[MDC]: “knock boots”???

[OfficialChatNoir]: I’ve been looking up euphuisms for sex. There are so many. Want to hear my favourites? One involves a taco!

[MDC]: i cannot say no emphatically enough.

[OfficialChatNoir]: No need to be catty. (Ha.)

[MDC]: (Ha.)

[MDC]: i don’t want to upset the friendship that I’ve built with any of my friends

[MDC]: also Alya and Nino broke up recently and they say its amicable but every time the two of them are in a room i can HEAR the static electricity in the air so even if i had a death wish i wouldn’t be touching that with a ten foot pole

[OfficialChatNoir]: I have friends like that too. I’ve no idea why they broke up if they still care for each other.

[MDC]: Alya claims its so that they can see other people, broaden their experiences

[OfficialChatNoir]: So it’s just a break

[MDC]: I DONT KNOW

[OfficialChatNoir]: lol. No shame!

[MDC]: no shame! Lmao

[OfficialChatNoir]: What about your other friends?

[MDC]: almost all of my other friends are either exes, in a romantic relationship, about to enter a romantic relationship, about to get married, or are ace.

[OfficialChatNoir]: Which one is Adrien Agreste?

[MDC]: WHY do you know Adrien Agreste?

[OfficialChatNoir]: Why do I know the model who’s on, like, a new billboard every month?

[MDC]: point.

[OfficialChatNoir]: He’s one of your friends, isn’t he? Which category is he a part of that excludes him from riding the proverbial horse with you?

[MDC]: “riding the proverbial horse”

[OfficialChatNoir]: Yeah it’s kinda crass in hindsight. Can I take it back?

[MDC]: No. It is immortalized forever. Embrace your shame.

[OfficialChatNoir]: No shame!

[MDC]: lol why do I feel defeated

[OfficialChatNoir]: Well? Not answering me about the model boy?

[MDC]: i’m not discussing Adrien’s relationship status with you

[OfficialChatNoir]: But you would discuss Alya’s and Nino’s?”

[MDC]: ye

[OfficialChatNoir]: Double standard!

[MDC]: i have to go. my friends are here

[OfficialChatNoir]: Ask Adrien out!

[MDC]: NO.

[MDC]: what does an erection signify?

[OfficialChatNoir]: …can you give me context?

[MDC]: no.

[OfficialChatNoir]: Okay, you’re being weird, but whatever

[OfficialChatNoir]: I have a friend who calls erections “moments of inspiration”. No-one knows what inspires the downstairs brain, least of all the downstairs itself.

[OfficialChatNoir]: My tally so far has been waking up, going to bed, warm bath, hot shower, smell of grass, math, sea breeze, sitting down at my desk doing nothing, you get the gist.

[MDC]: Oh, so it’s not indicative of interest at all?

[OfficialChatNoir]: Not necessarily. I might see a pretty girl or handsome guy and my downstairs brain reacts before my upstairs brain does. I’d sooner act on the whims of my upstairs brain though.

[MDC]: otherwise you might end up making love to freshly baked pie.

[OfficialChatNoir]: I scarred you with that anecdote didn’t I.

[MDC]: very much so.

[OfficialChatNoir]: Did someone’s downstairs brain exhibit interest in you today?

[MDC]: probably not, now that I know it doesn’t mean anything

[MDC]: he had his bag in his lap which looked kinda awkward, and he wouldn’t get up for a while.

[OfficialChatNoir]: I sympathize. Were you dressed pretty today?

[MDC]: i guess? but based off of what you told me maybe he couldve just thought the wind was pleasantly bracing.

[OfficialChatNoir]: If you were wearing a pretty summer dress perhaps it was a combination of the two?

[MDC]: OH. MY. GOD.

[OfficialChatNoir]: I WAS KIDDING

[MDC]: I WAS WEARING A PRETTY SUMMER DRESS

[OfficialChatNoir]: No!

[MDC]: AND IT WAS *WIMDY*!

[OfficialChatNoir]: NO! Not the wimd!

[MDC]: I am so embarrassed

[OfficialChatNoir]: On the bright side, at least he finds you sexually attractive, eh?

[MDC]: That or he caught a whiff of freshly shorn grass

[OfficialChatNoir]: Shall I compare thee to a summer lawn?

*[MDC] has blocked you*

[OfficialChatNoir]: You could have just said no.

*[MDC] has unblocked you*

[OfficialChatNoir]: Oh! Only one day this time, new record!

[MDC]: rough akuma today you okay?

[OfficialChatNoir]: do you check in like this on LB too?

[MDC]: i dont have a direct link to LB because shes not on a trashy dating app like some people

[OfficialChatNoir]: Don’t speak so poorly of yourself, Marinette, you do not think less of yourself because you use a trashy dating app, okay?

[OfficialChatNoir]: Speaking of, how goes the fwb hunting?

[MDC]: i went out with one young man

[OfficialChatNoir]: Oh? Deets please!

[MDC]: why

[OfficialChatNoir]: Marinette you and I have discussed the pros and cons of vaginal penetration on a trashy dating site and we are not carnally invested in one another. This indicates that we are best friends. Best friends share deets.

[MDC]: THAT’S your measuring stick for friendships?

[OfficialChatNoir]: Am I wrong?

[MDC]: i am not your best friend because we platonically talk about sex on a trashy dating app.

[OfficialChatNoir]: Not only, but I am not wrong.

[OfficialChatNoir]: Please indulge me?

[MDC]: his name is Theo Barbot

[OfficialChatNoir]: pause pause pause pause

[MDC]: what

[OfficialChatNoir]: the SCULPTOR theo?

[MDC]: ye? why?

[OfficialChatNoir]: *Dump him*

[MDC]: you know him?

[OfficialChatNoir]: He’s had this smarmy affection for Ladybug. I don’t trust him as far as I can throw him.

[MDC]: you can through people pretty far tho

[OfficialChatNoir]: IT’S AN EXPRESSION

[MDC]: i am not not going on a date with this man because you don’t like him because he once liked Ladybug

[OfficialChatNoir]: She was fourteen at the time.

[MDC]: …how old is he?

[OfficialChatNoir]: HE HAD A SOUL PATCH AT THE TIME.

[MDC]: lol he still does

[OfficialChatNoir]: ha ha ew

[MDC]: hm.

[MDC]: and you’re sure you’re not just being weirdly overprotective and clingy?

[OfficialChatNoir]: Make your own decisions. I don’t like him and I told you why.

[MDC]: i’ll consider it

[OfficialChatNoir]: you went out with theo

[MDC]: WHY do you know this

[OfficialChatNoir]: I saw you when I was a civilian

[MDC]: WHY WOULD YOU TELL ME THIS

[OfficialChatNoir]: Do you like him?

[MDC]: no hes kinda smarmy.

[OfficialChatNoir]: Huh.

[MDC]: You couldn’t be saying I TOLD YOU SO any louder if you tried

[OfficialChatNoir]: What had tipped you off about him?

[MDC]: theo’s polite, but he’s very scripted, like everything he says and does is very practiced. i felt like i was being hunted instead of being spoken to. i wonder if i could have gotten away when i did if Adrien didnt happen to pass by and help me escape.

[OfficialChatNoir]: Again, you are on a *dating site*. What were you expecting?

[MDC]: Likeminded people. An intellectual connection. Was that too much to ask?

[OfficialChatNoir]: I mean, you found me.

[MDC]: how many million people in Paris and i matched with the one person everyone knows is in love with someone else

[OfficialChatNoir]: Well, yes, but at least we can carry a conversation about apple pie.

[MDC]: dont make me block you.

[OfficialChatNoir]: HMMMM MY BEST FRIEND THINKS I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND BECAUSE I’M TEXTING YOU SO MUCH WHAT DO I TELL HIM

[MDC]: tell him that i am a lonely mother of six who sparked your mommy kink and feeds you freshly baked raisin cookies that i send you through the public mail service

[OfficialChatNoir]: That’s too funny. I’m gonna tell him.

[MDC]: what did he say

[OfficialChatNoir]: HE SAYS HE BELIEVES ME

[MDC]: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[OfficialChatNoir]: I dislike you both.

[OfficialChatNoir]: Hypothetically speaking, if you wanted to see if Ladybug found you physically attractive, how would you go about it?

[MDC]: i wouldn’t because physical attraction is fleeting.

[OfficialChatNoir]: Marinette help me out here!

[OfficialChatNoir]: I learned today that LB’s allosexual so maybe I can catch her eye with my looks?

[OfficialChatNoir]: You said I’m handsome, right?

[MDC]: what I said was that the world thinks youre handsome

[OfficialChatNoir]: Close enough. What about you personally? What draws you to noticing a guy?

[MDC]: the shape of his butt

[OfficialChatNoir]: Must you be crass?

[MDC]: the shape of his heart

[OfficialChatNoir]: Oh you were being sarcastic.

[MDC]: i cant answer these questions for you. only ladybug can.

[OfficialChatNoir]: You’re absolutely correct but you know me and you know Ladybug so you’re the best person to ask.

[MDC]: must you be sensible?

[OfficialChatNoir]: Why does that feel like an insult?

[MDC]: because it was.

[OfficialChatNoir]: If there was a guy who said that he loved you for six to seven consecutive years, would you be annoyed?

[MDC]: i’d be heartbroken

[OfficialChatNoir]: Why?

[MDC]: because especially if hes my best friend and theres nothing more that i would like in this world but to see him happy and then i learn time and time again that i am the one getting in the way of his happiness but neither of us can change how we feel id feel heartbroken that i cant love him the way he deserves

[OfficialChatNoir]: …sheash marinette

[MDC]: sorry, speaking from a place of hurt today

[OfficialChatNoir]: Another potential fwb gone wrong?

[MDC]: i heard that buttercup is seeing someone and it has me down

[MDC]: so much for thinking i had a chance

[OfficialChatNoir]: Want me to come over and we drown our sorrows in junk food and Brokeback Mountain?

[MDC]: doesnt that movie end badly

[OfficialChatNoir]: Yeah, but it’ll give us hope because at least OUR lives can’t end any worse than that.

[MDC]: lol ok my skylight’s open

[OfficialChatNoir]: See you in a bit!

[OfficialChatNoir]: Thanks for having me! Dinner was delicious and the company even sweeter

[MDC]: are you referring to me or papa

[OfficialChatNoir]: Why choose?

[OfficialChatNoir]: (Definitely your papa)

[MDC]: i cant even be mad

[MDC]: (back off hes married)

[OfficialChatNoir]: He was really nice.

[OfficialChatNoir]: (Mme. Cheng better watch out)

[MDC]: are you surprised?

[MDC]: (mme. cheng will tell you what happened to papas first wife)

[OfficialChatNoir]: Isn’t he still upset that I broke your heart?

[OfficialChatNoir]: (What happened to papas first wife?)

[MDC]: he adores you. papa doesnt let just anyone into his kitchen you know. not even maman sometimes.

[MDC]: (nothing you can prove in court)

[OfficialChatNoir]: Wow. What an honor that he let me cut the onions.

[OfficialChatNoir]: (Then I suppose I’ll have to marry her too!)

[MDC]: he gets it from grandpapa. i have to bully my way into his kitchen too.

[MDC]: (chat noir dupain-cheng is a bit of a mouthful isnt it)

[OfficialChatNoir]: Ha! That sounds adorable.

[OfficialChatNoir]: I shouldn’t make a habit of visiting you. Hawkmoth might find a pattern among my mobilization habits.

[OfficialChatNoir]: (You can just call me daddy.)

[MDC]: im not complaining

[MDC]: more croissants for me

[MDC]: (you do not have daddy vibes. at best you have baby cousin vibes.)

[OfficialChatNoir]: HEY.

[OfficialChatNoir]: You still haven’t asked Adrien Agreste if he’s interested in a FWB relationship with the magnificent Marinette Dupain-Cheng.

[MDC]: not this again

[MDC]: dont you have work? school? other questionable obligations?

[OfficialChatNoir]: We’re ahead of schedule today so I got extra time in my lunch hour.

[MDC]: good for you.

[OfficialChatNoir]: Is there something wrong with Agreste why you avoid him?

[MDC]: i’m not avoiding Adrien hes my best friend I see him every day

[MDC]: also have you forgotten that hes seeing someone else?

[OfficialChatNoir]: He isn’t.

[MDC]: and how would you know?

[OfficialChatNoir]: I meant to say pretend he isn’t.*

[MDC]: fine. even if hes not dating anyone i’m not going to ruin my friendship with him by telling him i think he’s sexually attractive and that id love to initiate a physical relationship with him because he gets that everyday from fangirls, while he works on photoshoots, while he attends galas. people keep treating him like a piece of meat. he deserves to be loved and adored for the kind courageous intelligent person he is not for his superficial beauty.

[MDC]: im not going to be one of those people.

[OfficialChatNoir]: That’s considerate of you

[OfficialChatNoir]: However, have you ever considered that the attraction might be mutual and he might be flattered by your proposition?

[MDC]: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[OfficialChatNoir]: I am sensing sarcasm.

[MDC]: i forgive you

[OfficialChatNoir]: ???

[MDC]: you wouldnt understand. friendships mean EVERYTHING to Adrien. more than romantic relationships id bet.

[MDC]: he TREASURES his friendships and he has been very very VERY vocal that he sees me as his very good friend.

[MDC]: far be it for me to shatter one of the true friendships he has just because i act on impulse each time my knees turn to jelly in his presence.

[OfficialChatNoir]: Your knees turn to jelly in Adrien Agreste’s presence??

[MDC]: we are not discussing that.

[OfficialChatNoir]: What if he were to walk up to you tomorrow and say that he always felt that you were a little more than just a friend to him?

[MDC]: i would break the object housing the akuma.

[OfficialChatNoir]: You think Adrien needs to be POSSESSED to think you’re attractive??

[MDC]: probably

[OfficialChatNoir]: Marinette Dupain-Cheng you do nothing in halves, even you own self-deprecation.

[MDC]: i choose to interpret this as a compliment.

[MDC]: so i went on a date

[OfficialChatNoir]: I wasn’t aware Adrien went on any dates recently

[MDC]: do you follow his twitter or something

[OfficialChatNoir]: I think he’s cute.

[MDC]: okay im not touching that

[MDC]: ask me about my date

[OfficialChatNoir]: Did he touch you inappropriately?

[MDC]: SHE was an absolute gentleman

[OfficialChatNoir]: Give me the deets gurl~

[MDC]: dont do that

[OfficialChatNoir]: Sorry.

[MDC]: anyway, she was wonderful. we went out for ice cream to soothe our broken hearts because we were both pining over buttercup, and that turned into a walk around the park and a trip to the toy museum where we had SO MUCH FUN. she told me all about a doll tradition in her culture, and it was late by the time we came to my home, and we kissed and she stayed the night.

[OfficialChatNoir]: oh

[MDC]: LOL oh? that’s all i get?

[OfficialChatNoir]: I mean that’s great! You really enjoyed yourselves, huh?

[MDC]: yeah were going to hang out again this weekend too

[OfficialChatNoir]: Does your new girlfriend know you’re chatting up a handsome tom online?

[MDC]: yes, albeit she doesn’t know youre ACTUALLY the superhero

[MDC]: she thinks youre a man three times my age looking for his fourth wife and told me to stop texting you

[OfficialChatNoir]: She’s not wrong, I’m totally in the market for a harem.

[MDC]: that’s not what I meant but lol

[OfficialChatNoir]: I’m happy for you though sad about my OTP

[MDC]: ladynoir?

[OfficialChatNoir]: My other OTP

[MDC]: renapace?

[OfficialChatNoir]: My other other OTP

[MDC]: there should be a limit to how many people you ship chaton

[OfficialChatNoir]: THERE IS NO LIMIT ON LOVE

[MDC]: says the man with three wives

[OfficialChatNoir]: Okay, that was funny.

[OfficialChatNoir]: By the way, who’s the girl?

[MDC]: I guess its fine if you know so long as you keep it to yourself

[OfficialChatNoir]: Cat’s honor!

[MDC]: Kagami

[MDC]: tough akuma today, you okay?

[OfficialChatNoir]: Hey Princess! Yeah, I’ll live.

[MDC]: havent heard from you in a while.

[OfficialChatNoir]: Didn’t you say pspspspspspsp at me the other day? Rude, btw

[MDC]: you answered tho

[OfficialChatNoir]: IT WAS RUDE.

[MDC]: are you okay or are you deflecting? because you took a nasty fall and i know the superhero suit protects you from injury and ladybugs cure heals what it doesnt but you were slouching even after the cure

[OfficialChatNoir]: I fell in love with apple pie.

[MDC]: Chat Noir.

[OfficialChatNoir]: Alright, I’ll be honest: my kwami has been complaining about back pain lately.

[MDC]: thats interesting i didn’t know kwamis had backs

[OfficialChatNoir]: IS WHAT I’M SAYING

[OfficialChatNoir]: Every time I transform I feel pain too. It’s like a fire, an itch living in my spine. I’ve tried massaging him, giving him a warm bath, giving him a cold bath, nothing is sticking.

[MDC]: what did ladybug have to say about it?

[OfficialChatNoir]: Oh, she’s as stumped as I am.

[MDC]: thats weird

[MDC]: because ladybug was here the other day

[OfficialChatNoir]: oh no

[MDC]: she knows that im the girl youve been chatting up online

[OfficialChatNoir]: Oh no.

[MDC]: and she asked me if I knew why you were grimacing so much lately

[OfficialChatNoir]: Marinette.

[MDC]: its almost as though she doesnt know youre in pain.

[OfficialChatNoir]: Please don’t tell her

[MDC]: WHY TF NOT

[OfficialChatNoir]: She has so much on her plate as Guardian. I don’t want to add to her burden.

[MDC]: if you cant operate at your full potential in the heat of battle THEN youll be a burden.

[OfficialChatNoir]: …that…was a fantastic counterargument.

[MDC]: youre being stupid. whats the real reason?

[OfficialChatNoir]: meouch

[MDC]: shut up and answer me

[OfficialChatNoir]: oxymoron

[MDC]: CHAT ALEXANDER NOIR

[OfficialChatNoir]: Gosh, we’re throwing middle names into this? Alright, I’m cornered. I cede.

[OfficialChatNoir]: But you have to promise not to laugh at me.

[MDC]: i promise i wont type my laughter.

[OfficialChatNoir]: I’ll take it.

[OfficialChatNoir]: There was a time a few weeks ago when Carapace and Rena Rogue were doing the rounds with us, meeting with our adoring public and the like, and after an akuma attack Carapace developed this awful pain in his lower back. He couldn’t even stand straight. Ladybug took us to a secluded spot and she worked her magic on him.

[OfficialChatNoir]: Now its nothing like a Miraculous Cure, its like a massage, but its tailored only to Miraculous users. The previous Guardian taught Ladybug how to redistribute the way magic settles in the body, because sometimes the chi can get tangled up in pressure points or the like, I don’t remember her explanation at the time.

[OfficialChatNoir]: All I can remember is that Carapace had a raging boner at the end of it.

[MDC]: and youre afraid of that happening to you?

[OfficialChatNoir]: I can feel you laughing at me.

[MDC]: my dear sweet kitty, my gentil minou, my dumbass chaton

[OfficialChatNoir]: Must you be patronizing?

[MDC]: whats worse? living in pain every time you need to rescue paris from itself? or braving an afternoon of discomfort under the hands of your understanding partner who loves you?

[OfficialChatNoir]: I WISH she loved me.

[MDC]: youre clearly not spending enough time on the ladyblog if youre cracking quips like that. alya has like three posts titled “soft looks ladybug has for chat noir”. only an idiot would think she doesnt love you.

[OfficialChatNoir]: Did you just imply that I’m an idiot?

[MDC]: no.

[MDC]: im SAYING youre an idiot.

[MDC]: i cant believe that the smartest person I know is also the stupidest. like, youre the type of scientist who would invent a new type of fire-retardant pants and in order to test it youd put it on and set yourself on fire.

[OfficialChatNoir]: How else would you test it?

[MDC]: on a dummy, dummy.

[OfficialChatNoir]: Oh.

[OfficialChatNoir]: Jokes on you though, because you think I’m smart.

[MDC]: and i think youre smart enough to tell ladybug you need help.

[OfficialChatNoir]: I’ll talk to her. I promise.

[MDC]: youd better. im blocking you until you talk to her.

[OfficialChatNoir]: What? Wait wait Marinette wait

*MDC has blocked you*

[OfficialChatNoir]: Well, that’s incentive.

*MDC has unblocked you*

[MDC]: tough battle today, but you looked energetic

[OfficialChatNoir]: LB fixed me up. She’s got magic fingers.

[MDC]: UGH spare me the sordid details

[OfficialChatNoir]: It wasn’t like that, it was the most platonic hands-on-my-body I’ve experienced outside of my day job.

[MDC]: what is your day job?

[OfficialChatNoir]: I’m a clown.

[MDC]: i know.

[OfficialChatNoir]: Lol!

[MDC]: so no boners then

[OfficialChatNoir]: I didn’t say that…

[MDC]: REALLY?! ddnt notice

[MDC]: i mean, did she notice?

[OfficialChatNoir]: I don’t think so? She admonished me through the whole thing so it was never exactly comfortable, and it was really really painful at first so obviously nothing was stirring, but then her voice got softer and she was telling me how important I was and the pain was giving for nice, buzzing pressure in my muscles and before I knew it, I was in the midst of a moment of inspiration.

[MDC]: “moment of inspiration”

[MDC]: it sounds like it wasnt the massage that did you in. and we already know you have a sub kink. i suppose this means you like gentle doms.

[OfficialChatNoir]: Talking with you is always revolutionary because I learn something about myself.

[MDC]: LOL!

[OfficialChatNoir]: Next you’ll be telling me that my subconscious conflates the sound of Ladybug’s yo-yo with the imagery of a domme’s whip.

[MDC]: does it?

[OfficialChatNoir]: NO.

[MDC]: *L M A O*

[OfficialChatNoir]: How was your date with Kagami?

[MDC]: were going places

[OfficialChatNoir]: Like the Louvre?

[MDC]: no, like south africa.

[OfficialChatNoir]: Kagami is wealthy enough to take you to South Africa for a weekend so this attempt at sarcasm doesn’t have the impact you were going for.

[MDC]: what did you think i meant when I said we were going places

[OfficialChatNoir]: I don’t know! That’s why I asked!

[MDC]: i meant our relationship is deepening.

[OfficialChatNoir]: oh.

[MDC]: by chance were you asking out of politeness, not because you were interested?

[OfficialChatNoir]: Perish the thought! I am happy for you two, I am. I just didn’t see it coming.

[MDC]: Really? Why not?

[OfficialChatNoir]: Kagami’s take on romance is pretty straightforward. She’s about spending time together, finding quiet private places for an hour or two, lots of physical contact. You strike me more of a candlelight, giant picnic with every conceivable pastry, flower crowns in public kind of romantic.

[MDC]: okay, but i dont see that as being incompatible. Kagami likes privacy and i like romantic gestures. we can have big romantic gestures in private.

[OfficialChatNoir]: Is that how you spent the weekend?

[MDC]: we spent the majority of it watching movies naked

[OfficialChatNoir]: Really?

[MDC]: yes? do i sense disbelief?

[OfficialChatNoir]: It’s just…that escalated quickly.

[MDC]: we did establish that im on this site in the first place because i was looking for a fwb, right? Kagami and i discussed at length what we want from each other and were content being one anothers rebound from buttercup.

[OfficialChatNoir]: But you guys go on dates.

[MDC]: we enjoy each others company and sometimes enjoy platonic outings!

[OfficialChatNoir]: Doesn’t that defeat the purpose of asking to be fwb’s?

[MDC]: no, thats the FRIENDS part of the friends-with-benefits.

[OfficialChatNoir]: Friends don’t go on dates.

[MDC]: platonic dates!

[OfficialChatNoir]: With non-platonic Netflix and Chill sessions.

[MDC]: are you judging me?

[OfficialChatNoir]: I’m trying to understand why none of this is the definition of dating.

[MDC]: the simple answer is because we have decided it isnt.

[OfficialChatNoir]: What’s the complicated answer?

[MDC]: the complicated answer is that were looking for comfort in one another during a period of mutual heartbreak. neither of us expects nor wants this period to go on for very long—kagami projects it for a month, actually. we enjoy one anothers company, teach each other what we like about ourselves and about romance, and then well gracefully go our separate ways.

[OfficialChatNoir]: And you can do all of that without falling in love with her?

[MDC]: im already deeply fond of Kagami.

[OfficialChatNoir]: Like how you’re fond of Adrien Agreste?

[MDC]: dont make me block you.

[MDC]: did i ever ask you WHY youre pushing me towards Adrien so hard?

[OfficialChatNoir]: Why Princess, have you been re-reading our chats?

[MDC]: dont flatter yourself.

[OfficialChatNoir]: That’s not a no!

[OfficialChatNoir]: And to answer your unspoken question, I’m curious why you’re avoiding Adrien.

[MDC]: i told you already, he prizes *friendships*. i refuse to corrupt the relationship he treasures with me with my sexual attraction to him.

[OfficialChatNoir]: You think he’s sexually attractive??

[MDC]: have you seen # adrien agreste thirst tweets the WORLD thinks he’s sexually attractive

[OfficialChatNoir]: ha, funny, that’s the same thing you said about me

[MDC]: these are objective truths, not opinion

[OfficialChatNoir]: Do you think I’m sexy?

[MDC]: the world thinks your sexy

[OfficialChatNoir]: YOU DO

[MDC]: THATS NOT WHAT I SAID

[OfficialChatNoir]: no takebacks

[MDC]: THERES NOTHING TO TAKE BACK

[OfficialChatNoir]: So why couldn’t you have with Adrien what you have with Kagami?

[MDC]: DONT CHANGE THE SUBJECT

[OfficialChatNoir]: I’ve moved past the concept that you think I’m cute but refuse to admit it. It’s okay.

[OfficialChatNoir]: Marinette please don’t leave me on read I was just teasing please come back

[MDC]: just trust me when i say Adrien is off limits.

[OfficialChatNoir]: Is this a shoujo manga thing where the popular guy belongs to everyone therefore all the girls in the school have this unspoken pact to never get close enough to him for him to consider dating any of them so that he remains an icon of unattainable beauty?

[MDC]: wow you read a lot of manga

[OfficialChatNoir]: I re-read my favourites when I get lonely.

[MDC]: do you want to come over and watch movies today?

[OfficialChatNoir]: Naked?

*MDC has blocked you*

[OfficialChatNoir]: a simple NO would have sufficed.

[AnotherChatNoir]: Did you know that if you block me enough the app disallows me from contacting you ever again?

[MDC]: rofl id be sorry but thats just too funny

[MDC]: so you made an entire new account just to keep talking to me?

[AnotherChatNoir]: I told you I like talking to you.

[MDC]: AGAIN. TEXT ME. YOU HAVE MY NUMBER.

[AnotherChatNoir]: I’m not always in a position where I can text you from the safety of my baton, Princess.

[MDC]: right didnt think of that my bad

[AnotherChatNoir]: This would be a nice platform to talk with LB too. I wonder if she would be interested.

[MDC]: dont you see her every day?

[AnotherChatNoir]: I could see her every minute and it wouldn’t be enough.

[MDC]: gross. i think ladybug would be opposed to communicating on anything that can be traced back to your civilian lives like IP addresses.

[AnotherChatNoir]: Aren’t there ways of circumventing those?

[MDC]: hm. the fact that you have to ask makes me concerned about how safe your identity is now that youre on this site.

[AnotherChatNoir]: I’m pretty sure I’m fine.

[MDC]: alright. on getting ladybug on this site tho, i think thats a lost cause. one would think ladybug gets enough unsolicited photographs of genitals as it is.

[AnotherChatNoir]: She DOES???

[MDC]: Alya says sometimes she gets DMs with people asking her to hook them up with ladybug with pictures attached. some are funny, some are plain disrespectful.

[AnotherChatNoir]: I feel awful. Here I was enjoying the gross attention I was receiving from strangers online.

[MDC]: lol why do you enjoy it?

[AnotherChatNoir]: I find it flattering to be desired, don’t you?

[MDC]: i guess if its done in a respectful way i wouldnt mind, but even then sometimes im wary

[AnotherChatNoir]: Wary of what?

[MDC]: have you ever been in a position where someone is being nice to you but you dont know if its because theyre genuinely a nice person or if they want something from you like a kiss or the prestige from being associated with you?

[AnotherChatNoir]: I know exactly what you mean.

[MDC]: unsolicitied compliments (or gestures that are framed as compliments but really arent, like catcalling) give me that squicky feeling. guys ive met get annoyed when i tell them to stop being their version of “nice” and i feel bad sometimes. its not that I don’t like being desired, its just i don’t want that the only way i can be desired is to be disrespected in the same stroke.

[AnotherChatNoir]: A guy that doesn’t respect your boundaries is a guy who deserves getting his shin kicked.

[MDC]: preach!

[AnotherChatNoir]: Lol. So what does a guy have to say to make you feel both desired and respected, Marinette?

[MDC]: what about you? or would a simple pun suffice?

[AnotherChatNoir]: Well, it wouldn’t hurt.

[MDC]: lol

[AnotherChatNoir]: Ladybug kind of does it all the time

[MDC]: WHAT?

[AnotherChatNoir]: what?

[MDC]: i mean what do you mean, is she leading you on? i thought she didn’t like you romantically

[AnotherChatNoir]: She doesn’t, but I swear she thinks I’m cute.

[AnotherChatNoir]: Like you do though you won’t admit it.

[MDC]: Chat Noir if ladybug is leading you on you need to tell her to stop. giving you mixed signals is unhealthy and unfair to you. she might not even be aware shes doing it which makes it even worse.

[AnotherChatNoir]: But if I bring it to her attention she’ll stop.

[MDC]: but it isnt right for her to be tricking you like this!

[AnotherChatNoir]: Woah woah, no one said anything about anyone tricking anyone

[MDC]: you said that ladybug makes you feel desired and respected, even though shes in love with someone else!

[AnotherChatNoir]: How do you know she’s in love with someone else?

[MDC]: UH

[MDC]: I mean its obvious, isnt it? the only way someone wouldnt fall in love with paris’ resident tomcat is if their heart was already in another place.

[AnotherChatNoir]: I THINK I sense sarcasm but I am choosing to interpret this as a compliment.

[MDC]: it wasnt sarcasm

[AnotherChatNoir]: Oh! Well, thank you, Marinette, that’s sweet of you to say.

[AnotherChatNoir]: And this is what I meant when I said that Ladybug makes me feel desired and respected. You do it too.

[MDC]: I flirt with you??

[AnotherChatNoir]: No, you just…you make me feel good, and you make me feel like a person, and you make me feel seen. It’s a good feeling.

[MDC]: and im not leading you on?

[AnotherChatNoir]: Let me put it another way. If Alya were to come up to you and say you were pretty enough to tempt her away from her boyfriend, would you feel like you’re being lead on?

[MDC]: no but alya’s a girl. girls show affection differently to each other than they do to guys.

[AnotherChatNoir]: I’ve noticed that. Why is that?

[MDC]: because a guy might take flattery seriously.

[AnotherChatNoir]: Maybe because we’re so unaccustomed to it.

[MDC]: and are you? paris’ most eligible bachelor?

[AnotherChatNoir]: I’m unaccustomed to genuine flattery about my person. I already know people think I’m cute.

[MDC]: oh.

[MDC]: if its any consolation you are very cute

[AnotherChatNoir]: I know.

*MDC has blocked you*

[AnotherChatNoir]: okay that was funny but please don’t force me to make another account again, my best friend is laughing at me too much as it is.

*MDC has unblocked you*

[AnotherChatNoir]: Did you talk to Ladybug

[MDC]: uh oh, lack of punctuation, are you upset?

[AnotherChatNoir]: Depends on your response.

[AnotherChatNoir]: I was hoping that the things we discuss in this chat were private. All of a sudden Ladybug has stopped with the jokes, and the flirting, and the winks and bell flicking.

[AnotherChatNoir]: Did you say something to her?

[MDC]: why are you upset? isnt this better? now you dont have to feel like you have a chance with her when one doesnt exist!

[AnotherChatNoir]: low blow marinette

[MDC]: ladybug has literally told you she was in love with someone else and then she had the audacity to turn around and flirt with you, who gave her that right?!

[AnotherChatNoir]: I did.

[MDC]: what?

[AnotherChatNoir]: The flirting is harmless, Marinette. I flirt with all the superheroines, Ladybug would be the first to tell you that. I enjoy it. It’s fun! And its fun to banter with Ladybug.

[AnotherChatNoir]: Now you’ve got her feeling like my feelings for her means that we’re not allowed to have fun. It’s lonely.

[MDC]: i thought she was hurting you

[AnotherChatNoir]: Did I SAY that?

[MDC]: you are infamously selfless. would you have said anything?

[AnotherChatNoir]: To you? Yes.

[MDC]: …

[AnotherChatNoir]: Marinette promise me that whatever we discuss in this chat stays in this chat. It’s not your business what goes on between me and my partner just because I choose to confide in you.

[AnotherChatNoir]: Do you understand?

[MDC]: yes. sorry.

[AnotherChatNoir]: You can show you’re sorry by helping me figure out what to say to LB to get her to start flirting with me again, lol.

[MDC]: i could talk to her?

[AnotherChatNoir]: No, thank you.

[MDC]: fair.

[MDC]: you could just tell her?

[AnotherChatNoir]: “Ladybug, ma chérie, sun to my moon, stars to my night sky, please call me minou again? I’ll die without your affection!”

[MDC]: y’know that might actually work

[AnotherChatNoir]: yeah right

[MDC]: ask her for pets and cuddles

[AnotherChatNoir]: Might as well curl up in her lap and purr while I’m at it, right?

[MDC]: are you joking? girls love a man that can purr!

[AnotherChatNoir]: And I’ll give her the kitty eyes for good measure.

[MDC]: and pout your lips just so, she wont be able to resist rubbing your belly

[AnotherChatNoir]: That sounds divine. You’re getting my hopes up.

[MDC]: good luck chaton. and im sorry i interfered.

[AnotherChatNoir]: I know you come from a place of care, Marinette. And I really appreciate you looking out for me, I do. Thank you.

[AnotherChatNoir]: How does cunnilingus work?

[MDC]: well good morning to you too. had an exciting night?

[AnotherChatNoir]: It’s not like that, LB and I are completely platonic

[MDC]: thats not what i was referring to but now you have me curious

[AnotherChatNoir]: You know like how they say sexual fantasies mean nothing but dreams might hint at subconscious beliefs?

[MDC]: where are you going with this?

[AnotherChatNoir]: I had a dream about a sexual fantasy.

[MDC]: why are you telling me about this? not that im not curious, but are you sure you want to tell me about this stuff?

[AnotherChatNoir]: You’re my friend.

[MDC]: i cant argue with that. lay it on me.

[AnotherChatNoir]: First of all you’re not allowed to judge me.

[MDC]: not only will i not judge you, but I’ll tell you about a sexual dream that i had if you want to make it even.

[AnotherChatNoir]: Oh! That sounds like fun, tell me!

[MDC]: i thought we were talking about you right now

[AnotherChatNoir]: Yes, but I’m also dying to know about the psyche of the magnificent Marinette Dupain-Cheng. Please?

[AnotherChatNoir]: please please please please please please please please please

[MDC]: oh my goodness fine

[MDC]: but its hardly fascinating or sexy

[AnotherChatNoir]: I’ll be the judge of that!

[MDC]: right. well. i dream that one of my friends is akumatized. for some reason im the only one that isnt affected by his powers. i don’t even know what his powers are but its very cold, i cant really move. he asks me to save him. then his hands go under my clothes and im pretty sure hes tearing my clothes apart and scratching me too, but he kisses me gently despite that.

[MDC]: then he goes down on me but scratches appear on my thighs and im bleeding from almost everywhere but i don’t feel it because im so cold. i wake up then.

[AnotherChatNoir]: That sounds a little more like a nightmare than a fantasy.

[AnotherChatNoir]: Are you okay?

[MDC]: lol “are you okay” he asks after i tell him a dream i had about bleeding at the hands of a beloved friend

[MDC]: i guess if we wanted to play psychoanalysis then we could say im scared the only way buttercup could ever see me is if his cognition is impaired by the actions of an empath supervillain powered by magical butterflies.

[AnotherChatNoir]: And Marinette’s sparkling self-esteem makes an encore appearance!

[MDC]: ha ha

[AnotherChatNoir]: So this dream is about the boy you love?

[MDC]: no its about someone very dear to me who i adore but i dont see them that way.

[MDC]: maybe my subconscious is telling me to give this other boy a chance

[MDC]: maybe its telling me that i am unequipped for love

[MDC]: maybe it means i should wear warm clothing

[MDC]: i study fashion, not psychology.

[AnotherChatNoir]: I have an alternative interpretation. Can I share it?

[MDC]: id be offended if you kept it to yourself

[AnotherChatNoir]: lol. Well, what if maybe, your friend drawing blood was more like he was baring you to a truth about yourself? Were you frightened as it happened?

[MDC]: no, only when he went down on me

[AnotherChatNoir]: Have you had that experience?

[MDC]: i’ve given, but not received

[AnotherChatNoir]: Tsk tsk Kagami.

[MDC]: we were interrupted, lol.

[AnotherChatNoir]: Maybe you’re afraid of it happening?

[MDC]: why would i be afraid of it happening?

[AnotherChatNoir]: I can’t say. I found it strange from the beginning that you have been looking for someone to learn about sex with but without emotional or romantic entanglement, as though you want a perfect “first time” with whomever you *do* have romantic feelings for.

[MDC]: oh. well. yeah, i suppose that is true. its not a secret that id wish my experiences with buttercup would be perfect.

[AnotherChatNoir]: But there is no perfect experience . Don’t you think you’re denying yourself organic growth in your relationship with Buttercup by insisting that (at least in your mind) your first sexual experience with him ought to be perfect?

[MDC]: i doubt being a virgin would endear him to me

[AnotherChatNoir]: Not what I meant. By all means, be promiscuous and be safe. What I meant was—there is no such thing as being good at sex. Media likes to make it out like it’s supposed to be sexy and amorous and no-one farts or puts a foot wrong. But its inelegant, and messy, and it can be giggly and fun.

[AnotherChatNoir]: I just wanted to give you this perspective: what if your first sexual experience with Buttercup is perfect not because you’ve trained for it, but because it’s something you enjoyed experiencing with him?

[MDC]: oh. thats hm.

[MDC]: feel like a weights been lifted off my shoulders

[AnotherChatNoir]: Happy to be of service! I’m here from 9 to 5!

[MDC]: lol. alright, now its your turn to recline on the chaise. what was your sexual dream such that you texted me early on a saturday morning asking me about oral sex?

[AnotherChatNoir]: I had a dream I was hogtied between two superheroines and one sat on my lap and the other on my face and she was making sounds but I had no idea if she was faking.

[MDC]: permission to laugh

[AnotherChatNoir]: Permission denied.

[MDC]: were your hands bound?

[AnotherChatNoir]: Yeah, why?

[MDC]: im sensing a theme.

[AnotherChatNoir]: Leave my kinks alone.

[MDC]: by all means. ladybug’s the one to straighten out your kinks anyway.

[AnotherChatNoir]: That was an elegant double entendre.

[MDC]: thank you. jokes aside, one thing ive noticed about oral sex is grabbing. hands rubbing outside the thighs, cheeks and lips to the inside, oh, and tongue laving between the labia minor and major before attacking (sucking) the clitoris. its really important though that you dont go after the clitoris first, because suspense is your best friend. as is edging.

[AnotherChatNoir]: What do you mean by suspense?

[MDC]: maybe a better word is anticipation? Kagami described it as looking forward to pleasure. her erogenous zones light up in anticipation of touch, and the tingling happy sensation fades when that touch has been administered. by engaging each erogenous zone slowly and gently youre building up suspense/anticipation such that when you get to the most sensitive erogenous zone of all, the reaction is volcanic.

[AnotherChatNoir]: How many times did you go down on Kagami?

[MDC]: six. why?

[AnotherChatNoir]: And you didn’t let her reciprocate once? Has anyone ever told you you’re a control freak?

[MDC]: yes, and i don’t appreciate what youre implying

[AnotherChatNoir]: Maybe what you need is someone who’s spontaneous, whose movements you can’t predict, and that’s what terrifies you about being on the receiving end of pleasure. iIts something you can’t completely control like you can with masturbation.

[MDC]: i thought we were finished psychoanalyzing me

[AnotherChatNoir]: Sorry.

[AnotherChatNoir]: You’re just really interesting.

[MDC]: are we flirting?

[MDC]: hello?

[AnotherChatNoir]: Sorry didn’t mean to leave you on read, I was re-reading to check. I guess I was, but you weren’t. Sorry if I made you uncomfortable.

[MDC]: you didn’t but maybe lets stop here for today?

[AnotherChatNoir]: Sure. Thanks for the feedback!

[MDC]: anytime, chaton

[AnotherChatNoir]: hypothetically

[MDC]: oh no.

[AnotherChatNoir]: lol! You’re so mean!

[MDC]: hypothetically what?

[AnotherChatNoir]: Never mind.

[MDC]: well now im downright curious

[AnotherChatNoir]: You should have thought of that before you teased me

[MDC]: you missed the chance to make a pun with the saying “curiosity killed the cat but satisfaction brought it back”

[AnotherChatNoir]: Au contraire, I never miss an opportunity to leave a lady unsatisfied.

[MDC]: my my what a bold rebuttal

[AnotherChatNoir]: Uh, yeah, that’s what I wanted to talk about actually.

[AnotherChatNoir]: I know a few days ago I went a little overboard in our platonic discussion about sex and I apologized and you said you weren’t uncomfortable. So I wanted to ask you straight: would you be uncomfortable if I did it again?

[MDC]: you want to, what, sext? here? with me?

[AnotherChatNoir]: Not sext, you boor. Banter. Flirt. Perhaps throw in the occasional sexual innuendo.

[MDC]: a spade is still a spade whether or not its used for its intended purpose.

[AnotherChatNoir]: Wouldn’t that void the warranty?

[MDC]: Flirting is flirting.

[AnotherChatNoir]: Fine, yes, flirting is flirting.

[MDC]: but why would you want to flirt with me?

[AnotherChatNoir]: I find it fun. This part of me slips out around you.

[MDC]: “slips out”

[AnotherChatNoir]: See?! That one wasn’t even intentional!

[AnotherChatNoir]: That’s not to say of course I’m incapable of controlling myself. Of course I can. But I wanted to know if a little flirting from time to time would be welcome.

[MDC]: alright but keep it minimal for now

[AnotherChatNoir]: Your Highness, you’ll come to find that there is nothing about me that is “minimal”

[MDC]: okay that was funny

[AnotherChatNoir]: RUDE

[AnotherChatNoir]: Your dad let me knead bread today!

[MDC]: he told me. he said id missed you by half an hour.

[AnotherChatNoir]: Sorry I couldn’t stay. But how did my batch turn out?

[MDC]: not bad. come around often enough and papa might make you his apprentice.

[AnotherChatNoir]: That sounds wonderful.

[MDC]: you wont say that when you have to deal with entitled customers

[AnotherChatNoir]: There is no good thing without its sour points. Life itself is about licking honey from a thorn.

[MDC]: why does that sound like a sexual innuendo

[AnotherChatNoir]: I didn’t mean it to be but I’ll leave it to your interpretation.

[MDC]: youre making me out as if im the randy one between the two of us

[AnotherChatNoir]: I say this with all due respect, between the two of us you have more practical experience. It’s a given you might pick up on things I won’t.

[MDC]: how did that happen anyway? how is a handsome cat like you not beating suitors off him with a stick?

[AnotherChatNoir]: Who’s to say I’m not?

[MDC]: lol

[AnotherChatNoir]: I’m a romantic. So while, yes, it’s not unfeasible for me to have enjoyed a tryst in the past, I’ve never wanted to. I want to share that experience with someone who means something to me.

[MDC]: youre talking about ladybug

[AnotherChatNoir]: I would LOVE Ladybug to consider me as a compatible partner, but her heart hasn’t wavered. I love that about her, ironically. Her unwavering heart. She’s steady as the drum of heavy rain.

[MDC]: so ladybug gets the poetry and I get the sex jokes?

[AnotherChatNoir]: Does the princess desire poetry? Little balcony| Pretty pink against the sun| Not unlike her lips.

[MDC]: Was that a haiku?

[AnotherChatNoir]: What do you think?

[MDC]: not bad.

[MDC]: do you like receiving poetry, chaton?

[AnotherChatNoir]: I do!

[MDC]: hmmmmm….

[MDC]: Silhouette on black| Shining against the street lights| A pair of green eyes.

[MDC]: I’m not as witty as you.

[AnotherChatNoir]: What are you talking about? I love it!

[MDC]: its not as sensual as yours. you went on about the romantic lighting of the sunset on my balcony, but all I can talk about is how i can barely see you in the dark if it werent for the streetlights.

[AnotherChatNoir]: I like it. I like it because it implies you’re looking for me come nightfall.

[AnotherChatNoir]: Do you often look out for me?

[MDC]: no.

[AnotherChatNoir]: Why are you so afraid to say you love me?

*MDC has blocked you*

[AnotherChatNoir]: At the rate we’re going I’m going to have to make another account.

*MDC has unblocked you*

[MDC]: what is your opinion on pegging

[AnotherChatNoir]: Well, good morning to you too, Sunshine.

[AnotherChatNoir]: Had a rousing dream about Buttercup, did we?

[MDC]: i had a dream that i was pegging buttercup on an office desk before his father returned from a business meeting

[AnotherChatNoir]: That sounds amazing

[MDC]: it was SO STRESSFUL i was worried wed be walked in on at any moment

[AnotherChatNoir]: By chance, do you have an unexplored voyeuristic streak?

[MDC]: No!

[AnotherChatNoir]: Sure you don’t.

[MDC]: i am PANICKING i’m supposed to be meeting with my friends today and how am i supposed to meet his eyes if all i can remember is the way his hair bounces when i bounce him???

[AnotherChatNoir]: Oh. I see the problem.

[MDC]: am i a sexual predator?!?

[AnotherChatNoir]: probably not

[MDC]: CHAT NOIR WHAT DO I DO I WONT BE ABLE TO LOOK HIM IN THE FACE

[AnotherChatNoir]: Buttercup is among your friends? Do I know him?

[MDC]: HOW DO I MEET HIS EYES WITHOUT EXPLODING

[AnotherChatNoir]: It was just a dream, Marinette, I’m sure when you strike up a conversation with him the words would flow naturally.

[MDC]: oh that rich

[AnotherChatNoir]: Why?

[MDC]: ive never spoken clearly in front of Adrien all my life. oh I’ll probably blurt out something about his pretty green eyes or adorable little smile, and then hell look at me in disgust and blacklist me from all the events that he will invite all of our other friends to and then my career will be over before it begins!

[AnotherChatNoir]: wedon’thavetimetounpackallofthat.gif

[MDC]: Lol! This platform supports gifs?

[AnotherChatNoir]: Yeah.

[AnotherChatNoir]: Also let me break this down. One: You had a dream about Buttercup.

[MDC]: an incriminating dream for which I should go to prison

[AnotherChatNoir]: You do not deserve to go to prison because you thought of someone in a sexual capacity, Marinette.

[MDC]: an isolated island then

[AnotherChatNoir]: Two: You’re going to see Buttercup today.

[MDC]: i wont be able to meet his pretty malachite eyes i am a blight upon society

[AnotherChatNoir]: Three: Buttercup = Adrien Agreste????

[MDC]: why are you surprised

[AnotherChatNoir]: Because you NEVER MENTIONED THIS?!

[AnotherChatNoir]: This explains why you were so resistant to the idea of asking him out as an FWB because you wont be able to keep feelings out of it because *YOU’RE IN LOVE WITH HIM!*

[MDC]: i already know im pathetic i don’t need you to rub it in

[AnotherChatNoir]: One, don’t talk about my good friend Marinette Dupain-Cheng like that. Two, we REALLY need to work on your self-esteem. Three, you’re not pathetic for being anxious about confessing your feelings.

[MDC]: its sort of pathetic when you realize ive been trying to confess to him for years

[AnotherChatNoir]: You’ve loved him for YEARS?!?!?!??

[MDC]: i swear you must be the only person in paris who didn’t know this

[MDC]: except for Adrien himself

[AnotherChatNoir]: Well maybe you can forgive him for being blind to your affections when he asked you THRICE if you had feelings for him and you SAID NO. *THRICE*

[MDC]: dont judge me I was anx

[MDC]: wait how do you know this

[MDC]: chaton get back here and answer me

[AnotherChatNoir]: Adrien confided in me.

[MDC]: Adrien confides in you

[AnotherChatNoir]: Why are you so surprised? Did you think you were the only civilian I talk to?

[MDC]: YOU DON’T TELL HIM WHAT WE TALK ABOUT DO YOU

[AnotherChatNoir]: Like how you tell Ladybug?

[MDC]: i thought she was hurting you!

[AnotherChatNoir]: I know, sorry, that was petty. And no, he doesn’t know what we talk about.

[MDC]: but he suspected that i had a crush on him three times??

[AnotherChatNoir]: I mean, he asked you to your face “what do you think of me”, the poor boy was BEGGING for a confession, don’t you think??

[MDC]: OH GOD DOES HE KNOW

[AnotherChatNoir]: Why would that be such a bad thing?

[MDC]: because what if he doesn’t see me like that what if ive ruined everything what if he feels uncomfortable being around me because i smile weird and then he stops hanging out with his friends and returns to that dreary house to play depression sonata in G minor on his sad expensive piano

[AnotherChatNoir]: Do you rehearse beforehand how to panic or are you just making up these scenarios as you go along?

[MDC]: what if he thinks im gross

[AnotherChatNoir]: He doesn’t and will never think that you’re gross, Marinette. Based on what I know about him he’d be THRILLED to have such an amazing girl think of him that way.

[MDC]: hes in love with someone else

[AnotherChatNoir]: Okay, maybe, but what’s better? Holding out for a possible romantic relationship, or getting pegged within an inch of his life by his very competent very cute very best friend? He’ll make the rational choice.

[MDC]: I don’t want to peg him as his best friend I want to peg him as the girl he cant live without

[AnotherChatNoir]: I bet if you were to ask him, he’d say he couldn’t imagine enjoying his life without you in it. Who knows? Maybe you’re the girl who will finally turn his head?

[MDC]: thats very sweet of you but i know where i stand in his graces

[AnotherChatNoir]: You really don’t.

[MDC]: and what you do?

[AnotherChatNoir]: A little more than you do, yes.

[MDC]: what does he think of me?

[AnotherChatNoir]: A S K H I M

[MDC]: N O

[AnotherChatNoir]: How did you fare against Buttercup today?

[MDC]: THAT BOY IS OUT TO KILL ME

[AnotherChatNoir]: That bodes well. What happened?

[MDC]: first he shows up.

[AnotherChatNoir]: showing up to an event he was invited to.

[AnotherChatNoir]: the audacity.

[MDC]: and to make it worse he doesnt show up like his daddy dressed him. he shows up like he looked at his closet full of designer clothes and decided, “what can I wear to kill Marinette Dupain-Cheng today”?

[AnotherChatNoir]: Maybe that was his intention. Did he look good?

[MDC]: lord forgive me for i have sinned i wanted to rip his clothes off with my teeth

[AnotherChatNoir]: …does that mean he dressed poorly or…?

[MDC]: he looked AMAZING. He was wearing these black skinny jeans which made his legs look OOH and his butt look DAYUM and a rolled up blazer that made his arms look GAWD and his dress shirt was untucked and unbuttoned at his THROAT I could see his THROAT CHAT NOIR HE WAS WEARING A CHOKER it looked like a little collar I just wanted to MMMM!

[AnotherChatNoir]: You lost it over his choker? Marinette, your domme is showing.

[MDC]: quiet im not done

[AnotherChatNoir]: lol. What else did he do?

[MDC]: THIS BOY TELLS ME HELLO

[AnotherChatNoir]: how dare he.

[MDC]: HE KISSED MY CHEEKS CHATON

[AnotherChatNoir]: how daring.

[MDC]: i mean?? but he?? his cologne?? his collarbones???

[AnotherChatNoir]: Breathe, Marinette.

[MDC]: HE HUGGED ME AND MY LIP GLOSS RUBBED OFF ON HIS THROAT I WANT TO BITE HIM

[AnotherChatNoir]: That escalated quickly.

[MDC]: and he asked me about my day and what I thought about his outfit and he said that he wants to commission me to make a skirt for him and I bluescreened because HHHHHHHNRRRRRR ADRIEN AGRESTE IN A SKIRT! OF MY DESIGN!!

[AnotherChatNoir]: All the better for you to peg him with.

[MDC]: dont even joke

[MDC]: and he didn’t leave my side for most of the day, even though i wasn’t very loquacious and couldn’t even meet his eye he got me drinks and listened to me ramble and when lukas friends came over he PUT HIS ARM ON MY SHOULDER AND THEY ASKED IF WE WERE DATING AND ADRIEN DIDN’T DENY IT

[AnotherChatNoir]: I think he’s dropping you some hints.

[MDC]: hints?

[AnotherChatNoir]: Isn’t it obvious?

[AnotherChatNoir]: He likes you.

[MDC]: no way hes just a very good friend

[AnotherChatNoir]: WHAT?!

[MDC]: what?

[AnotherChatNoir]: Adrien Agreste does everything within his power to get your attention and you think he’s only a “very good friend”??

[MDC]: weve spoken about this already, Adrien doesn’t see me that way.

[AnotherChatNoir]: Then how do you justify the way he’s acted around you tonight??

[MDC]: he WAS weird

[MDC]: do you think he caught wind that kagami and I were intimate? perhaps he wanted to make her jealous? doesnt sound like him tho

[MDC]: weve already respectfully separated too

[AnotherChatNoir]: How is it that a girl so brilliant and who has achieved so much has so little self-awareness

[MDC]: im confused

[AnotherChatNoir]: So am I.

Lois Layne

Saturday, 10:11 pm

Lois Layne: Adrien wat was going on with you and marinette tonight

Lois Layne: I can see youre onlyne answer me

Me: Good night, Alya. Wonderful as always to hear from you, Alya. What pleasant weather we’re having, Alya.

Lois Layne: It’s global warming outside and the bees are dying at an alarming rate.

Me: In other news, apparently Marinette is in love with me to the point she doesn’t know when I’m flirting with her.

Lois Layne: YOU KNEW?!

Me: I do.

Me: And I have a bone to pick with you.

Lois Layne: With ME? what did I do??

Me: You knew that the magnificent Marinette Dupain-Cheng had feelings for me for years and didn’t tell me. I could have been dating her YEARS ago!

Lois Layne: She was there the whole time, Buttercup, it wasn’t my job to open your eyes

Me: I could’ve used some help

Me: She’s making it very hard for me right now

Lois Layne: mmhm ill bet

Me: Not like that.

Lois Layne: youre not gunning after marinette just because you want to get your dick wet are you

Me: I know you’re her best friend and you feel the need to protect her, so I’m going to pretend I didn’t read that.

Lois Layne: Forgive me for questioning why youre suddenly doing a one-sixty.

Me: I’ve always been fond of Marinette. That’s never been a secret. I was convinced that she was too good for me. That and her three rejections made me hesitant to approach her romantically.

Lois Layne: I’m sorry did you say that you were rejected?

Me: Yes

Lois Layne: Marinette

Me: Yes

Lois Layne: Rejected

Me: Yes

Lois Layne: YOU??

Me: did I stutter

Lois Layne: Adrien Agreste?!?!?

Me: Three times.

Lois Layne: THREE TIMES?!

Me: When Jagged Stone had his show at her bakery I saw the images on her wall. I thought it was a crush, but she said she was just one of my fans.

Me: When we were at the museum and I pretended to be a statue, she confessed to me and kissed me, but insisted after the fact it was just a joke.

Me: (off-topic do you have any idea what she did with the hair she plucked from my head that day)

Lois Layne: (so THAT’S where she got it from! She immortalized it in resin and made it into a night light with dried flowers, it’s really tasteful)

Me: (really? That’s so romantic)

Lois Layne: (the two of you are made for each other)

Lois Layne: What happened the third time?

Me: Someone told me. I won’t say who. When I asked Marinette if it was true, she said no. Very loudly and very vehemently, I might add. Bruised my ego a bit I won’t lie.

Me: So I stopped asking even though I’ve had suspicions since.

Lois Layne: …that girl I swear…

Lois Layne: So wait, why are you only acting now?

Me: Because I got irretractable proof.

Me: I really really want to date her, Alya.

Me: But I think she’s rationalizing all of my attempts tonight to view it through a platonic lens.

Lois Layne: Yeah, that sounds like her.

Lois Layne: Do you want help?

Me: Fun as it would be to gang up on her, no thank you.

Me: Perhaps just nudge her in my direction a few times, but don’t say anything. It’s really important to me that she comes to the conclusion that I care for her on her own, not because you or anyone else told her. She needs to realize my feelings for herself.

Lois Layne: I can understand that. She can’t deny it if she sees it with her own two eyes.

Lois Layne: Just don’t drive her too crazy. I’m the one she screams at when she needs someone to talk to.

Me: No promises.

[MDC]: *INCOHERENT SCREAMING*

[AnotherChatNoir]: Good morning to you too, Marinette.

[MDC]: the devil is a handsome man and he looks like Adrien agreste

[AnotherChatNoir]: Wait, hold on, let me get my popcorn

[MDC]: this is serious! he’s trying to put me in cardiac arrest!

[AnotherChatNoir]: Well if he succeeds, you can count on him giving you his heart. Ha. Get it?

[MDC]: why are you making light of my misery

[AnotherChatNoir]: You could out yourself out of your misery by asking him out on a date.

[MDC]: HE DOESN’T SEE ME THAT WAY

[AnotherChatNoir]: And that’s why he’s trying to kill you, right?

[AnotherChatNoir]: How is he trying to kill you anyway?

[MDC]: HE INVITED ME TO ONE OF HIS PHOTOSHOOTS

[AnotherChatNoir]: Isn’t that great? You get to see what happens behind the scenes.

[MDC]: i mean of course its fantastic and i exchanged a few business cards and it was great to watch how everything came together

[MDC]: but Adrien conveniently left out the part where he was going to be NAKED THE MAJORITY OF THE TIME

[AnotherChatNoir]: What was he modeling

[MDC]: men’s jewellery

[AnotherChatNoir]: He had to be naked to sell jewellery??

[MDC]: when the pictures come out youll understand

[AnotherChatNoir]: lol. I don’t think this counts as him killing you. It’s not like he chose to be naked on set.

[MDC]: no but he invited me to the ONE SHOOT where he had on no clothes!

[MDC]: nothing but silver rings and necklaces and nose rings and

[AnotherChatNoir]: and chokers?

[MDC]: HHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNRGG

Mec

Tuesday, 11:01 am

Mec: I overheard Alya telling the girls not to interfere with your plan to woo Marinette?

Me: I can confirm I am trying to woo Marinette, yes

Mec: Dude, she already is head over heels for you. Just as her out.

Me: I’m a little scared of rejection.

Mec: from MARINETTE??

Me: She’s rejected me before.

Mec: MARINETTE rejected YOU???

Me: Why is everyone so surprised?

Mec: Because she has your work schedule memorized for the explicit purpose of coincidentally bouncing into you at cafes to give you “happy wining your regionals fencing competition” gifts.

Me: I was WONDERING how come I always bumped into her at the weirdest places!

Mec: the two of you are made for each other I swear

Mec: Be gentle with her, yeah? Marinette’s a tough girl and can bounce back fast, but she feels deeply. When she’s angry it rains fire and when she’s sad the Seine floods.

Me: There’s nothing more I want in the world than to make her happy. What happens when she’s happy? The ozone repairs itself? The rich redistribute their wealth? World hunger is solved? I want that with and for Marinette.

Mec: And what about the other girl? The one you’ve been pining after forever?

Me: I think I’ll always be fond of her. But I adore Marinette and I want to date her. Does that make me indecisive?

Mec: The opposite, dude. Good luck, call me and tell me how it goes.

Me: How it goes so far is that she’s convinced I’m her very good friend.

Mec: “Who, Adrien? No, he’s my Very Good Friend with whom I live in our dream house and raise our three biological children with a fourth on a way and a hamster and make passionate love every Thursday! We’re just friends!”

Me: On one hand that would be amazing, on the other please don’t scare me like that

Mec: lol

[MDC]: jsdfkjuflkmsakp[sefjn;fajf!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[AnotherChatNoir]: What did he do this time?

[MDC]: alya and nino invited us out and started making out in the movie theatre so Adrien and i snuck out because blegh and we ran to the neighboring park and found a man selling flowers and he bought way too much and we sat in the grass and he taught me how to make flower crowns and i messed up mine but he wore it anyway and he placed the one he was making on MY head and then he asked if i was impressed

[MDC]: impressed with what I asked

[MDC]: “I wanted to impress you so I learned how to make flower crowns. Did I succeed?”

[MDC]: JAKASDBHEDWUHSDNG;ALSDJl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[AnotherChatNoir]: (chewing popcorn)

*MDC has blocked you*

[ProbablyChatNoir]: What does it take for someone to indicate that they are sensually, romantically, sexually, and aesthetically attracted to you?

[MDC]: is this another arbitrary attempt to woo ladybug

[ProbablyChatNoir]: You know what, sure. Yeah. Let’s go with that.

[MDC]: i think the gestures that you make that are sincere are the ones that get through to her the most.

[MDC]: although i thought we had established that pursuing her wasnt healthy?

[ProbablyChatNoir]: I’m just asking hypothetically.

[ProbablyChatNoir]: And anyway when am I ever not sincere with Ladybug?

[MDC]: werent you the one telling me literally last week that you flirt with everyone INCLUDING ladybug?

[ProbablyChatNoir]: And what, that cheapens my love confessions?

[MDC]: of course it does. how can she believe an “i love you” from you when ten minutes earlier you were “playing cat and mouse” with multimouse?

[ProbablyChatNoir]: But I wasn’t confessing my love to Multimouse. I was confessing my love to her.

[MDC]: it just looks like youre all talk is all i mean.

[ProbablyChatNoir]: But I bring her roses, I learned the meanings of flowers because she’d reject totally professionally and platonically arranged bouquets because one of them means “pure love” in a sublanguage people haven’t used since Jane Austen picked up a quill. Is my effort too paltry? Does she require fireworks and gold?

[ProbablyChatNoir]: I’m not complaining I’ll totally do it but that’s more like I’m trying to buy her affection, isn’t it?

[MDC]: no youre totally right dont do that

[MDC]: lol you know who jane austen is

[ProbablyChatNoir]: I learned my English on it

[MDC]: isn’t it old English?

[ProbablyChatNoir]: Yeah…I’ve been told that the old English vocabulary mixed with my French accent mixed with my mom’s accent has a *unique* effect on native English speakers.

[MDC]: well well, look at the Casanova go. Or cats-anova as it were

[ProbablyChatNoir]: That was horrific.

[MDC]: everyones a critic

[ProbablyChatNoir]: Anyway the last thing I wanted was to be profiled as a flirt as a civilian—my father would see me hanged—so I’m terribly out of practice.

[MDC]: want to practice with me? im rusty too, but I used to be conversationally fluent

[ProbablyChatNoir]: What makes you think my dulcet tones and lingual prowess won’t bowl you over?

[MDC]: ill do my best to keep my pants up.

[ProbablyChatNoir]: I think you and Ladybug are the only people I know who are preternaturally gifted at keeping my ego in check.

[MDC]: it is our service to society.

[ProbablyChatNoir]: There she goes again. I’ll be over in twenty.

Alya

9:09 pm

Me: ALYA

Me: HAVE YOU EVER HEARD CHAT NOIR SPEAK IN ENGLISH

Me: ALYA

Me: LAYA

Me: ALYA*

Alya

10:30 am

Alya: girl wat the hell

Incoming Call from MARINETTE

Mec

1:10 pm

Mec: mm I lowkey think you’ve got competition

Me: In terms of…?

Mec: Marinette

Me: Who is it? Luka?

Mec: Alya was on a looooong call with Marinette this morning. Apparently theres a guy who pays her nighttime visits, whos shes been chatting with regularly on a DATING SITE, who has her DAD’S APPROVAL, and who apparently has the sexiest English accent she’s ever heard

Me: you’re joking

Mec: I dunno who this guy is but keep your guard up

Me: Right.

Me: Thanks for the heads up, Nino.

Me: That totally blindsided me.

Me: I don’t know if I could compete.

[MDC]: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

[ProbablyChatNoir]: What did Adrien do this time?

[MDC]: WE WERE RENTING BIKES BECAUSE I BET HIM THAT I COULD OUTRACE HIM AND WE STUMBLED INTO AN ENGLISH SPEAKING COUPLE AND THEY ASKED FOR DIRECTIONS AND ADRIEN ANSWERED THEM *IN ENGLISH AND HE HAS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL VOICE IN THE WORLD*

[ProbablyChatNoir]: didn’t see that coming

[ProbablyChatNoir]: did you win the race?

[MDC]: ARE YOU KIDDING I COULDN’T EVEN STAND AFTER THAT

[ProbablyChatNoir]: Good to know.

[MDC]: *HYSTERICAL SCREAMING*

[ProbablyChatNoir]: lol

[MDC]: just inter me into the morgue

[ProbablyChatNoir]: ha what did Adrien do now?

[MDC]: H E L P

[ProbablyChatNoir]: A S K H I M O U T

[MDC]: I think? Ive developed?? A kink for zippers???

[ProbablyChatNoir]: Now this story I HAVE to hear.

[MDC]: *PANICKED HYPERVENTILATING*

[ProbablyChatNoir]: (eats popcorn)

*MDC has blocked you*

Ladybug landed on the lip of the roof that Chat Noir had commandeered and threw her arms around him unprompted.

The frightened Chat Noir eked out, “What’s your favourite colour?”

“Pink,” she said to his shoulder. “I’m not a sentimonster, you goof.”

He delicately patted her spine. “You’ll have to pardon my caution, my dear Lady. It’s not often that I receive your affection unprompted.”

She pulled back enough to meet his eyes. “And maybe we should rectify that? You deserve so many hugs.”

“I’m not complaining.” He nudged her, and she notched her head on his shoulder. He pressed his cheek to her hair briefly. “Is everything okay?”

“Boy trouble.”

“Ah. With your whiptail tongue and droll wit, I can imagine they’re lining up around the block.”

“Oh hush, you, flattery will get you nowhere.”

“If only it were flattery.” He pressed a kiss to her hair that she did not feel. “Do you want to confide in me?”

“I feel like I’ve confided in you enough.”

He blinked at her, “Have you?”

“I mean! It’s just—you’re always there for me, listening to my woes and insecurities. It’s a habit I’m trying to break.”

Chat Noir smiled sweetly at her and nudged her shoulder until their eyes met again. “Would you change your mind if I told you that I genuinely enjoy helping you fix your problems?”

“You can’t mean that.”

“Allow me to tell you something about Paris’ resident tom, m’Lady: in my day-to-day life, control is a luxury. Duty and all that. But as Chat Noir, I have the power to help you. I get a sense of satisfaction seeing you smile.” He nudged her shoulder. “I love you, LB. And I love helping you.”

Ladybug ducked her head. He couldn’t make out her complexion, but he was sure he saw the shape of her cheek rise.

Ladybug said, “There’s a boy.”

“Mm.” He brought his knee to his chin. “The infamous Pierre.”

She laughed. “Who?!”

“It’s not as though you’ve given me a name!”

She laughed. “Anyway. This boy, this Pierre, is driving me insane.”

His eyes snapped to hers.

“No, he’s not hurting me, chaton, calm down.”

He felt his posture relax.

“It’s just—he’s—I think he knows something I don’t. He keeps asking for my opinion on his outfits like he dressed up just to impress me, and he keeps paying me attention, and asking me to commission him things—I create, uh, things—and he keeps kissing my cheeks as hello and goodbye, and he holds my lower back the minute he gets my permission, and he keeps smiling at me, and inviting me everywhere even at the risk of upsetting his strict father, and sometimes I see a glimmer in his eyes that makes me think: there! There! That spark, that’s love! He loves me! But then I wonder—why now? Surely, I am imagining it, because nothing has changed. I haven’t changed. Why would he love me?”

“Because you’re amazing, Marinette.”

Ladybug screamed.

Chat Noir recoiled. His eyes shifted and his ears flickered and the rest of him was still, still, still. Ladybug could only make out that he was breathing because of the iridescent reflection of the street lights pooling on his chest and belly and hips.

Ladybug removed the hand she had clapped over her own mouth to mute herself. Her voice shook, “What did you call me?”

He was equally as pale. “Marinette.”

“Oh,” she crumpled. Chat Noir caught her, as she subconsciously knew he would, and she let herself panic in peace. “Oh, this is wonderful. Wonderful: now all it would take is another akuma like Truth and a mistimed dodge and all our secrets are out! Hawkmoth will know who I am! He’ll come after me and my family relentlessly, and the only way I’ll be able to protect the kwami is if I make you Guardian—”

Chat Noir growled, “You are not doing that.”

She pressed her hands to her eyes. “Oh chaton. I’m so sorry. I’ve messed up.”

Chat Noir pressed a kiss to her hair and made sure she felt it this time. “You’re wonderful, Marinette. I really, truly believe that this is good for us. Master Fu had the law of secrecy because it protected him while he was alone. But secrecy is counterproductive for a team.”

“Oh, that’s rich,” she sobbed. “You’ve wanted to know forever. You’ve always thought that it was a good idea!”

“Yes. Because you need support. Ladybug having to manage the grimoire and the kwami and the pressure is a lot, but Marinette too? You need help. I won’t take no for an answer.”

She hiccupped on a wet laugh. “You don’t sound very surprised that it's me.”

“I didn’t know until a moment ago, if that’s what you’re asking. Also I’m really really really happy it’s you.”

She giggled. “What gave me away?”

“I’ve listened to Marinette ramble about Adrien for three consecutive weeks. How could I not recognize it through the glamour of magic?”

She turned in his embrace and squeezed him. “Was it painful hearing me talk about him?”

He laughed. “Actually, it made me the happiest man in the world.”

“Why in the world would you be happy that I’m in love with another boy? Unless you’re—” she broke off. She met his eyes.

Chat Noir’s eyes swam with the affection that was growing very familiar of late. He whispered, “Hi, Marinette.

Ladybug screamed.

*MDC has unblocked you*

[MDC]: so all the times you were pushing me to date Adrien it was what, an ego stroke?

[ProbablyChatNoir]: You know it wasn’t.

[ProbablyChatNoir]: Adrien has felt strongly for Marinette since day one. When he discovered that his talented, intimidating, lovely good friend was in the market for a partner, he was eager to be chosen, and hurt that he was continually overlooked.

[MDC]: you think im intimidating?

[ProbablyChatNoir]: Do I think that the girl who was named Jagged Stone’s designer from the age of fourteen is intimidating? Do I think that the girl who defended Paris for several consecutive years is intimidating? Do I think the girl who stood up to Nathalie Sancoer, Gabriel Agreste, Audrey Bourgeoise and Lila Rossi on the SAME DAY is intimidating?

[MDC]: you make it sound grander than it is

[ProbablyChatNoir]: Marinette Dupain-Cheng IS grand

[MDC]: OH MY GOD WEVE TALKED ABOUT SEX

[ProbablyChatNoir]: I was wondering when you were going to notice

[MDC]: IVE TALKED TO YOU ABOUT HAVING SEX WITH KAGAMI

[ProbablyChatNoir]: I’m flattered that you trusted me with that knowledge, by the way.

[MDC]: * OH GOD YOU KNOW THAT I HAD DREAMS ABOUT PEGGING YOU *

[ProbablyChatNoir]: That’s nothing to be embarrassed about any more than my fantasies about you.

[MDC]: you’ve had fantasties about ME?!?!

[ProbablyChatNoir]: Yes? Remember I told you about the two heroines?

[MDC]: you never mentioned which heroines

[ProbablyChatNoir]: oh

[MDC]: chaton are you suddenly embarrassed?

[ProbablyChatNoir]: do you want to know who I had fantasized about?

[MDC]: only if you’re comfortable with it

[ProbablyChatNoir]: uh, well, can I give you a hint instead of saying it?

[MDC]: whatever you’re comfortable telling me.

[ProbablyChatNoir]: well

[ProbablyChatNoir]: one of them tied my ankles with a yo-yo, the other one tied my hands with a skipping rope

[ProbablyChatNoir]: Marinette? Are you still there?

[MDC]: leave your bedroom window open chaton, ladybug and multimouse want to pay you a visit.

[ProbablyChatNoir]: !!!!!!

Mec

11:17 am

Mec: dude where are you we were supposed to meet up an hour ago

Me: I am so sorry I totally forgot

Me: I have a terrible stomache I clean forgot to cancel

Me: I’m so sorry

Mec: if you’re still with Marinette its fine, bro

Me: who said anything about marinette

Mec: if you guys want to keep your relationship on the downlow, maybe don’t use the same excuse to your respective best friends.

Me: It was Marinette’s fault

Mec: lol

Me: ah she hit me with a pillow

Mec: lol! Well deserved

Mec: I’m happy for you two.

Me: Thanks Nino. I’ll call you later.

Mec: Much later, I’m assuming.

Me: ;lkije klj94 rk

Mec: Aaaaaand hes gone.

End

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