Work Text:
You said, "I know"
When I said, "I need some time, need some space
To think about all of this"
You watched me go
And I knew my words were hard to hear
And harder to ever take back
And I said, "When can I come back?"
Leaves are rustling on the trees as the silence stretch between the two broken people trying to understand the turmoil of those words utter in such unforgiving circumstances. “I need some time and space to think about this, us.” Natasha wants to disappear, swallowing the anguish, anxiety, and regret she felt once she heard those words from Steve’s lips. She couldn’t believe this; she didn’t even think that the table would turn between them. Last time, she was the one who was so afraid to take the risk, hesitant to accept Steve’s feelings for her, and also to admit her feelings to him at the same time. She took the leap of faith thinking they would be happy, that this would finally be their moment and their chance to live and to love despite the fact that they are living in the world full of pain and distrust.
Steve didn’t know how they end up this way. They were happy, truly happy despite of anything. They’ve been in a relationship for a year, and friends for 10 years. He started to think that they should have remained friends, to not ruin anything between them and the probability of friends-turned-lovers-turned-strangers would come upon them. The panic is building up in his chest as he recalls the time when he started developing feelings for his best friend, Nat, who is so beautiful in every way, understanding and who loves too much even in your worst and without expecting something in return. Maybe this was just a mistake? Or was admitting his feelings for her was a mistake?
Natasha wants to command her hands to stop shaking but there is no way in hell she could be calm in times like this. Instead, she tucks her hands inside the brown coat she is wearing. It’s a good day, autumn breeze in the air, the smell of new beginning and hope could be compared to the weather in this time of the year but did not actually expect looming storms that grew upon the both of them. The feeling of being trapped in an abyss full of darkness, it’s suffocating, and she find herself difficult to breathe. This is inevitable. She knows it. Ever since Steve got the call from an Agent of the firm he was applying for in London, Miles away from her, miles away from home. A job, scratch that, this is not just a job, this is his dream job. To be a painter, an artist, that could take him to places. An artist who could connect with the people through his work, with those strokes, lines and patterns that could invoke many things, feelings, and opinions. So then, wo was she to deprive him of those desires? But the fact he lied, LIED! Steve Rogers doesn’t know how to lie. He could have said that he wants to break up with her because he wants to follow his dreams but instead, he said those generic “time and space” break up words. She deserved more than that. Doesn’t she?
She took a long breath before breaking the silence that fell on them. She didn’t even realize that Steve has been waiting for her reaction and reply. “Steve. I..” Her voice breaks so she cleared her throat. “Steve, I know.” She saw the confused look on his face that made the anger that’s brewing deep inside her to surface.
“What? Her voice started to rise but she willed herself to calm before talking again. “Do you really think I would not know about that dream job of yours? I know you’ve been so unmotivated on your recent job in the coffee shop and your just bidding time on telling me that you’ve applied a job on a different country. So don’t give me that Bullshit of an excuse on finding yourself and wanting space and time” Her chest is heaving after getting those words out from her mind.
Tears are pooling in the corner of her eyes while Steve looks away and let out a sigh. “I’m sorry” he finally said after the stretch of silence enveloping them. He looks at her with sad eyes field with guilt and regret. She waited, waited for his follow up reasons, reasons that would justify his actions, actions that deemed to be pointless since it hurts her underneath and would hurt her, nonetheless. But no other words came out of his lips and instead the continuous sighs and sorrys that could never mend the cracks and pieces this fragile glass of air enfolds between them.
The fact that she understood, but still can’t believe that this could happen between them. She understood why he have to do this. But understanding and accepting are different so she may understand why Steve have to lie, why Steve has to end what they have, and why Steve has to go but accepting it would take some time to process. She will be ok. Right? She was ok before they became a couple so she would get through this, she just needs time. But who is she kidding?
“I guess, this is it? I could come with you though and be there for you if you want.” But no! she knows she could not, even if she wanted to, with the condition her mom was now, sick and fragile, with stage 3 cancer that could take her mom’s life any time soon, she could just wish a “good luck and good job” to this amazing guy she loves.
Steve pulls her into him and snaked his arms around her as breathe in her scent as he snuggled his face on his hair. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, Nat. I will be back, I’ll come back for you.” She felt a wet and hot tear on her hair as she felt Steve shivering in her arms. She, on the other hand, can’t keep her tears from running down her cheeks as she started crying too.
Two people stood under the shade of the autumn trees with silent whimpers shared between the once lovers. Natasha wants to be mad at him, but she doesn’t want to end this feeling remorse and angry at Steve for going after his dreams. She just didn’t think it would end up like this. For him to be miles away from her while being proud of him from afar.
The embrace was cut off shortly when they heard a soft snap of a twig under someone’s shoes. Behind Steve, Sam Wilson and Bucky Barnes appear signaling Steve for his impending departure.
“For what it’s worth, I loved you, I love you and I will always love, now and forever and I hate how we have to end it this way, hell, I would love to bring you with me so we can live a happy ever after in London but, I know, I know it from the depths of my heart that you wouldn’t choose to leave your family, you wont abandon them for me. Family comes first, right?” Steve knows what her heart desire yet know too much what she thinks, and what her mind suggests too. Not most of the time and not every circumstance and situation that what the heart wants, prevails. It’s just in a sick fantasy made by fictions and movies alike to dream such impossible feat. Realistically? The mind always wins with or without one’s control.
It hurts, yes, but what can she do. Her family needs her, Steve needs this. They can’t have both worlds. Long distance is questionable impossible. Some might think it would work but not without considering other factors and with their situations where Natasha needs to work extra and takes care for her mom. It would be a miracle she would have a time to call Steve and now with a different time zone that would be impossible. This is inevitable.
Steve brought her close to him again and touched their foreheads together. “And thank you for everything Nat. I’ll come back; I'll be back soon.” Please wait for me. The unsaid words that he is so evident, the regret and guilt reflected in his ocean blue eyes. He kissed her forehead before stepping back and starts walking away from her and make his way towards Sam and Bucky. She believes that he will be back, but she knows that it would be years from now, and by then, she don't even know if there would be anything left for both of them as a couple, but she really hope there would be anything left for them as friends. Friends, they should have remained friends but life is full of surprises and challenges.
He took a final glance from her before getting inside the car. She watches them leave and drove by until they disappear from her sight as the Sun gave way to the moon as her heart bellows in agony.