Chapter Text
Who offers you honey when you need it? - Upile Chisala
Yoongi is fairly certain that his manager intends to kill him. It’s partially because of the death glare he’s getting, and partially because Junho is holding his pen like he’s planning to plunge it into Yoongi’s chest any moment now.
“So,” he starts, offering up a rakish grin, “what have I done now?”
“You tell me.” Junho opens up a folder to reveal several accusatory text messages. It’s a screencap from Twitter, but the text messages are from a former makeup artist who isn’t pleased by Yoongi’s treatment. And by treatment, she means his refusal to date her. Not to be confused by his agreement to bed her.
“Ah, I wondered what happened to her.” He hasn’t. The only reason he remembers her is because she sent the angry face emoji to him incessantly until he blocked her, and he’s staring it now on the screencaps.
“What happened is that she’s proclaiming you sleep with staff and then get them fired.”
“Was she fired?”
“No, she quit and we have a resignation letter as proof. But did you sleep with her?”
“It’s tough to say.”
Junho stares him down. “Try.”
“Maybe once, probably twice? Definitely not three times.” He can’t remember the last person he slept with three times in a row, but he’s sure there was someone. A long time ago maybe.
Junho exhales so hard his nostrils flare. He’s got a wide nose that commands attention on an otherwise classically-handsome face; he probably could have been an idol when he was younger. He’s also the most competent manager Yoongi’s ever had.
It almost makes him feel bad for causing so many problems. Almost.
“Do you know how many near-lawsuits you’ve had?”
“I’m bad with numbers.”
“You remember the date of every award you’ve received.”
“I’m bad with most numbers,” he amends. “Anyway, she resigned so there’s no case. It was completely consensual. Next time I’ll make them sign a waiver or something.”
“That’s a great idea,” Junho responds sarcastically. “We’ll add in your staff’s contracts, just in case they get the idiotic impulse to sleep with you.”
Yoongi’s about to say that it’s a brilliant impulse, actually, because he’s great in bed, but then the conference door opens. He’s hit with a wave of sickly sweet vanilla perfume that makes him gag. That means you’re here, which is his cue to escape. It’s his mission to never be trapped in small spaces with you, mostly because he can’t stand you, but he also can’t stand the way you smell.
“Go away, the room is in use.”
You glare through your fake eyelashes. “I’m supposed to be here, you dick.”
Junho rises to wave you in. “Perfect timing, Soonja. Is Jieun with you?”
“I haven’t seen her.”
To Yoongi’s horror, Junho walks out of the room, leaving him alone with you. Judging by your grimace, you don’t feel any better about the situation.
You take a seat as far away from him as you can get, your chunky jewelry clanking as you settle. He has no idea what this month’s concept is: Daddy’s Little Girl maybe. You look overdone, a riot of color and scent that offends him to his core. You remind him of a piñata , only you’re full of insults instead of candy. That doesn’t stop him from wanting to hit you with a stick.
For the next few minutes, you both sit in silence. Like always, you keep your gaze turned away from him, but he catches your quick glance.
“Yes?”
“What?”
“You’re looking at me. Not that I blame you, I’m irresistible like that.”
You make a gagging sound. “I’m looking at that sad, brutalized rat’s nest you’re calling hair. You’re going to go bald if you bleach it again.”
“Better to be bald than walk around with a face like that. You look like a clown.”
Your glare deepens. “Die in a fire, Min.”
“You mean like your career?”
“Kiss my ass.”
“Suck my–”
“Enough!” Junho is standing in the doorway along with your manager, Jieun. They both look exhausted. “Can you two shut up for ten minutes?”
Yoongi leans back in his chair and kicks his foot up on the edge of the table, using it to move himself back and forth. “Maybe five. Is this an intervention?”
You cross your arms across your ample chest, which he’s positive is the world’s biggest push up bra. Not that he stares at your tits often, but sometimes they, like you, are impossible to ignore. “Is this a duet? Because I won’t do it.”
“Add it to the list,” replies Yoongi. “You don’t do much of anything.” It’s not like he’s wrong. You go from the studio to the stylist’s chair to the stage like some passive beast, accepting whatever’s thrown your way. And you have the audacity to judge him? At least he’s invested in his own career.
“Please, enough.” Jieun sighs, dropping into the closest chair. “Aren’t you tired of fighting all the time?”
Yoongi feels victorious. “Aha, so it is an intervention.”
“No,” Junho corrects him. “It’s a wake up call. While you two are busy thinking you’re hot shit, the media has a different story to tell. Your images are terrible. Yoongi, everyone thinks you’re a womanizer.”
“Isn’t he?” you mumble. It’s not quiet enough because Junho immediately zeroes in on you.
“You’re not any better off. You come off entirely unlikeable. You were recently voted least datable idol in a Twitter poll.”
Yoongi laughs so hard his foot slides off the table edge. “That’s accurate. I sure as hell wouldn’t date her.”
“Funny you say that,” says Jieun, shuffling her files. “Because you’re going to date each other.”
For a moment everyone is silent. Then you splutter out a nervous laugh. “Okay, where’s the camera? I was really pranked for a second.”
“No camera,” says Junho. “You’re going to fake date each other to boost your images.”
Yoongi catches your eye and immediately grimaces. “Are you kidding me? How is dating that supposed to boost my image? She’ll kill my career!”
“Your career?” you explode. “What does it say about me to be seen dating a trash bag?”
“You look like you’re waiting for your sugar daddy to come dress you in footie pajamas and give you a bottle.”
“You look like a walking STD.”
“Have you even had sex? I wouldn’t fucking sleep with you.”
“That’s enough ,” shouts Junho, slapping his hand down on the conference table. “Do you fucking hear yourselves? You sound like children, not idols. Act your fucking ages.”
Yoongi is silent for a moment, then says, “Wow. I didn’t know you had that in you.”
“You try my patience every goddamn day,” Junho replies, sighing.
You look like you really want to say something still, so Yoongi can’t help himself. “Go on, baby girl. Get it all out.”
“I hope you catch on fire, Min. I hope you hit a tree next time you’re out in your stupid Palisade. I hope your next one night stand bites your dick.”
He can’t help but laugh at the last one, mostly because it’s happened before, and also because laughing just seems to piss you off more.
“Are you two done?” asks Jieun, sounding just as weary as Junho.
“No,” you grumble, but you slump back into your seat.
Fake date you? What a cursed fucking idea. He’d rather set his career on fire himself than bother tanking it by being associated with you. It’s bad enough you’re even at the same company. Pretending to the media that he finds you attractive is pretty much the worst punishment he can think of.
He leans closer to Junho. “Is this because of the stylist? Because I’ll stop.”
“You won’t, but I’ll pretend that was said in good faith.”
Jieun is messing with her folder again. She carries it with her everywhere and Yoongi has noticed that she rummages in it when she’s nervous about something.
“What’s the real reason?”
She glances at Junho, avoiding Yoongi’s gaze entirely. The room is silent, saving for the furious clicking of Junho’s pen.
“I’m going to be honest with you,” he says finally. “The company is dying.”
Yoongi sits up. In his periphery, he can see you straighten, too.
“Our numbers are terrible,” continues Junho. “Even with the reasonable earnings from your last comebacks, neither of them are enough to maintain the baseline. We’ve had to scrap our plans for a new girl group this quarter and release over a dozen trainees.”
Your hands come up to your mouth. It’s weird to see you affected by anything, but even Yoongi feels bad. It’s hard enough being a trainee, but to be let go because the company can’t afford you? That’s an awful feeling.
From the sound of it, that might be his future soon, too.
“And you really think that us dating is going to save I-STAR?”
“We think it will spark enough interest to keep things afloat until we can come up with something better,” explains Jieun. “It’s not a great idea, or even a good one. But it’s what we have.”
The four of you sit in silence. It’s an awful idea. No one is going to believe you’re dating and Yoongi can’t even stomach the idea of having to sit next to you, nevertheless hold your sweaty hand.
Besides, you’ll never agree to it.
“Fine.” You raise your eyes to the group like you’re facing down a firing squad. “I’ll do it.”
Yoongi stares at you. “Are you serious?”
“I don’t want to be unemployed. Do you?”
No, but he also doesn’t want to date you . He’s faked a lot of things in his life, but this is going to be his hardest acting role. He doesn’t think he can pull it off.
“What happened to being completely disgusted by me?”
“Did you not hear the ‘unemployed’ part?”
“Yoongi, what about you?” asks Jieun.
He rubs at his lower lip in exaggeration, trying to buy time. Maybe if he imagines you with a different face. And body. And personality. Can he pretend you’re someone else for several months? Being fired might be the better option here. “I’m still trying to decide what’s worse.”
A half-empty water bottle zooms past his face, narrowly missing him.
“Is that supposed to motivate me?” he asks you, scowling.
“Stop being a selfish prick and think of someone else for once in your life,” you snap at him. Fine words coming from the company queen who can’t even be bothered to sit with the commoners from time to time. He’s surprised you even knew there were trainees in the company. After all, you walk around acting like you’re the only idol in it. Soon enough you might be.
“What are the rules?” he asks, keeping one eye on you in case you find something else to throw.
“If you agree to this, the farce starts the moment you leave this room. Junho and I will be the only other people who know the truth. Which means in front of your stylists, your producers, and all the other staff, you need to be madly in love.”
It’s a joke. He can’t pretend to be in love with anyone, nevertheless you. Even the media knows you hate each other. It’s I-STAR’s worst kept secret that their two most popular idols have been feuding for years. And now you’re supposed to reveal that it was to hide your steamy love affair?
“No one is going to buy this.”
“I agree,” you admit. “This is the longest we’ve sat together in the same room. Just before this I was listing all the ways I wanted him to die.”
“Anything creative?” asks Yoongi, unable to help himself.
“Encased in salt and baked like a chicken.”
“Jesus Christ.”
You shrug. “I watch a lot of cooking videos.”
Junho snaps his fingers. “Focus. We need an answer on this.”
“I already gave you my answer,” you point out. “We’re just waiting on his ugly ass.”
“God,” drawls Yoongi, “you’re making this more attractive by the second. Can’t you just give us both knives and see who can stab whom first? I feel like that would generate the same amount of attention.”
You nod rapidly. “I love the idea.”
Click click click. Junho’s going to end up with a repetitive stress injury if he keeps doing that. “Yoongi. What’s your answer?”
Fucking fuck.
+
The bartender looks exceptionally hot tonight. Everyone looks hot tonight, now that he can’t sleep with them. He’s facing months of celibacy to save his fucking job, at a company that he doesn’t even care that much about anymore.
Namjoon is already at the bar, sipping a beer and vibing to the music. He gives Yoongi a smile that Yoongi doesn’t return.
“I need a drink. I need five of them.”
Namjoon chuckles. “Let’s start with one and go from there. What’s up?”
“I need to tell you something but you can not tell anyone. Understand?”
Namjoon gives him a sympathetic look. “Couldn’t get it up again?”
“What? No!”
“It’s okay, it happens to all of us at some point.”
“It was one time and I regret telling you at all. No, this is worse.”
Finally, the teasing glimmer leaves Namjoon’s eyes. “All right, what’s up?”
The bartender drops off his whiskey and he drinks too much of it in one go, blinking against the burn. “Fuck. I just sold my fucking soul. You know that harpy that I work with? I’m fucking dating her now, essentially on company orders.”
“CALICO?” asks Namjoon, eyes widening. “But you…”
“Hate her with literally every cell in my body. Yes.”
“And you said yes why?”
“Because the alternative is that I lose my job.”
“That’s illegal ,” Namjoon insists. “You can fight this immediately.”
Yoongi waves him down. “It’s not. They didn’t force me into it, I had a choice, though not much of one. Their idea is that the two of us dating will generate interest in the company again and save it from collapse.”
“And she agreed to it?”
“Of course she did. What other company is going to pick her up?”
Namjoon sips his beer, looking thoughtful. “I don’t know, her numbers were pretty good last comeback and she has a solid fanbase.”
“She’s a witch and you know it.”
“I don’t, I’ve never actually met her. She might be nice despite everything you say.”
Yoongi glares at his best friend. “Does my opinion mean literally nothing to you?”
“You tried to convince me that Hobi was a serial killer.”
“No one is that nice and happy all the time. It’s literally impossible. Something is wrong with him.”
Namjoon just chuckles. “So. What does dating CALICO look like? And I’m asking seriously, so you can hold off the dramatics.”
“It looks like me losing my credibility and respect,” Yoongi says morosely, staring into his glass.
“Then why say yes?”
“I don’t know. Guilt? I got my break through I-STAR. We can’t all work for Big Hit.”
Namjoon’s lip juts out for a moment. “You know, Big Hit would take you on in a second. I bet I could arrange an interview.”
Now Yoongi’s listening.
“Then get me that interview, Joon. I need out and fast.”
“Okay, okay. So…CALICO?”
Yoongi grabs his second drink off the bar. “Don’t remind me. I’m here to forget about it.”
But Namjoon is full of optimism, as always. “Make the best of it, Hyung. She might not be so bad.”
Easy for someone who’s never met you to say. Yoongi knows the truth, though. “She might be worse.”