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They’re in the bar, snow falling down hard. Carl’s left them with the keys again, because they did so well last time (“One smashed bottle? Let me guess, you tried to juggle them. Guys, it takes lots of practice. But I get it. Everyone tries it. You’re paying for it, though.”)
Barney and Ted are behind the counter, pouring themselves some drinks. This time, they’ve locked the doors. Cleaning up the messes had taken them forever, and they really don’t want a repeat.
“We should buy a bar,” Barney declares, waving a bottle around.
“We should totally buy a bar,” Ted agrees.
“No closing hour!”
“Cool music all the time!”
“A lot of hotties! And we will call it Puzzles!”
“Why’s it called Puzzles?”
“That’s the puzzle!” Barney laughs, clinking his bottle against Ted’s. They’re pleasantly tipsy.
Ted sits down on the ground, bringing his bottle with him. Barney’s still leaning against the wall, looking cool.
Ted smiles hazily. Barney looks good like this, his tie loosened, his hair a bit ruffled, his face alight as he talks about their bar, and how awesome it will be.
There’s a pounding on the door. “Are you open?” a voice calls. “I really want a drink.”
Ted looks up at Barney and shakes his head. They have one of their telepathic conversations:
‘No. Remember what happened last time?’
Barney just raises an eyebrow, and Kokomo starts playing in his head.
‘Barney, no! Do we really wanna clean that up again by the time Carl gets here?’
Barney’s eyebrows dance a little – really, how does he do that, Ted wonders – and Kokomo keeps playing.
‘Well, yeah, it was fun…’
A grin starts spreading across Barney’s face, and the volume on Kokomo turns up. Except it’s in Barney’s head, and Ted’s a little creeped out how he can hear the music playing in Barney’s head. And a little surprised that it’s not porn music.
‘I have more class than that, Theodore,’ Barney thinks reprovingly.
The pounding on the door starts up again, and Barney looks mildly impatient. ‘C’mon, Ted! Stop thinking, start doing.’ The music’s still playing.
Ted stops thinking.
He gets up to his feet – loudly, messily, nearly knocking over his bottle – and grabs Barney’s lapels. And then he’s kissing Barney.
Barney responds immediately, almost instinctively. He’s good at this, tongue and heat and unyielding, yet gentle pressure. Ted stops even trying to analyze Barney’s kiss and instead leans into him, grabbing fistfuls of Barney’s suit.
One of Barney’s hands tangle in his hair, holding him steady. Ted feels his knees go weak as the assault on his mouth continues. Barney’s other hand trails slowly to Ted’s ass.
With shaking hands (and boy, he’s not proud of that), Ted undoes Barney’s tie and throws it over his shoulder.
“Hey!” Barney exclaims. “Careful with that. It’s silk.”
Ted kisses him again to shut him up. Barney smoothly pushes Ted’s shirt off his shoulders.
“Why do you wear two shirts?” Barney growls, yanking Ted’s shirt off impatiently.
“Dude, you wear a suit jacket and a dress shirt.”
“Yes, but I look good.”
Before Ted can say anything, Barney’s sucking at his neck. Ted grabs Barney’s shoulders and holds on tightly, gasping with pleasure. Barney’s really good with his tongue, and suddenly, it’s no longer a mystery why so many girls sleep with him, even though they know it’s a really bad idea.
Ted’s panting by the time Barney lowers them gently to the floor. Kokomo’s still playing in his head. “Seriously, Barney, what is with you and that song?”
“It’s been stuck in my head for three days, Ted,” Barney says dryly, before lowering his head to Ted’s navel. His tongue flickers in and out, in and out, again and again, until Ted’s fingers are curling, desperately trying to grasp at something and just scratching uselessly against the ground under him.
Barney sits up and pulls his jacket and shirt off.
Ted’s mouth goes very dry. He’s seen Barney half-naked before. Nothing new about that. He’s seen Barney completely naked before, come (hee, come) to think of it.
It’s still one of the hottest things he’s ever seen. Barney’s flushed, lending a pinkish tinge to his chest. He’s all hard planes and muscle; Ted wants to run his hands along it, then kiss every single inch. There’s a little hair sprinkled across his chest and stomach, and Ted wants to lick it and play with it while Barney’s fucking him into the ground.
He really wants to get fucked. Right now.
Barney’s grinning, and he laughs smugly. “Yeah.” He pulls Ted’s pants and underwear off and throws them behind him.
“Hey, I have to be careful with your clothes but you can just throw mine around?”
“Yeah, Ted, mine are suits. Your clothes should be thrown away anyway.”
He bends forward and kisses Ted again. “Ready to have your world rocked? ” Barney asks.
Ted nods. Barney reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out some lube and condoms, then pulls his pants off.
He lubes his fingers up and starts preparing Ted. Ted shuts his eyes and lets the easy, gentle rhythm wash over him. He’s jolted out of his reverie when Barney noses his balls.
“Shit! ” Ted exclaims, his hips bucking upward.
“Please, please don’t,” Barney murmurs against Ted’s balls. Ted’s laugh turns into a gasp as Barney’s finger finds his prostate.
He’s kept on the edge constantly, torn between Barney’s tongue and nose and fingers and breath. Oh god, even the way he breathes feels wonderful, warm little breezes drifting across his dick and balls. He wants it so bad, wants it right now, wants to feel Barney’s weight pounding him into the ground.
Barney’s mouth envelops him for half a second. Before Ted can whine at the loss, Barney’s blowing a steady stream of air across his dick, and it tingles with pleasure as the saliva dries quickly.
Ted’s begging, he knows it, words pouring out of his mouth without his control. Barney’s got two fingers up his ass, lazily exploring and stretching, lube everywhere, and it feels so fucking good.
Ted wants to come, right then and there. He doesn’t think he can wait until Barney starts fucking him.
Barney’s other hand starts playing with his dick and balls while Barney licks his way up to Ted’s neck.
Ted’s barely aware of any separate sensation anymore. There are feather-light brushes against his dick, three fingers in his ass, and a strong suction on his neck. He feels like he’s flying. He’s stopped begging in favor of panting.
Suddenly, everything stops at once. Ted whines loudly, his back arching high as he tries to get something back. Barney grins down at him. “Chill, dude, I’m just getting the condom.”
He leans in until his mouth is right next to Ted’s ear. “And then,” he breathes into Ted’s ear, “I’m going to fuck you so hard that you’re never, ever gonna wanna have sex again. I’m going to fuck you so hard that you’re gonna worry that we’ll fall through the floor into the basement. I’m going to fuck you so hard that you’ll yell my name loud enough to be heard throughout New York.”
Ted’s very, very close to yelling Barney’s name that loud already.
Barney laughs, warm puffs of air dancing over Ted’s ears. He pulls away and puts the condom on hurriedly.
“Ready, bro?”
Barney slides in in one smooth stroke.
“Oh, GOD,” Ted yells, arching upward and grabbing onto Barney with both his legs and arms. “Oh God, don’t stop, don’t stop, don’t stooop,” he whines, thrusting his hips, trying to get Barney deeper.
“Relax,” Barney murmurs. “I have no intention of stopping.”
He starts thrusting into Ted, pounding him into the floor. And it hurts, just a little, the floor digging into Ted’s back every time Barney thrusts into him, but his ass is so full, and it feels so good, especially when Barney’s dick slides over his prostate.
In, out, in, out, and Ted’s sure he’s not gonna last another second. Barney’s hand wraps around his cock, and he manages to hold on a little longer. He wants to know what Barney’s gonna do now.
He has no idea what Barney does, but damn he has magical fingers. He could never describe, let alone replicate, that motion, but somehow, there’s fluttering pressure everywhere and he’s done, screaming Barney’s name at the ceiling as he comes over everything. It feels like it lasts forever, wave after wave of pleasure washing over him.
Barney grins in satisfaction. “Told ya,” he says smugly.
He braces himself on his arms and fucks Ted even harder, jack-hammering into Ted. Ted slides across the ground a little at every thrust. He feels weighed down and sleepy after his incredible orgasm.
Barney’s gasping and mumbling as he nears orgasm, his movements becoming extremely erratic. He buries his head in Ted’s neck and bites down as he comes.
Barney slumps against Ted. They’re a sweaty, sticky, sated mess, both of them panting.
The phone rings. Barney fumbles for it and finally manages to pick it up.
“Oh good, you’re still there,” Carl says. “I’ll be there in five.”
Barney hangs up.
“Fuuuuck,” Ted says, trying to get up.
Barney’s eyes light up. “Upstairs!” he says. “No closing hour!”