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Namjoon has been regularly dreaming about the same person for the last six months. And even well before that, he’s pretty sure he has vague memories of a pale pretty boy slipping into his dreams and holding his hand.
“Min Suga,” the stranger introduced himself once and never again have they talked of their personal lives. It works great for them since they can escape to their dream world after a long day and forget all about their responsibilities and the expectations others have for them. They simply let go and allow themselves to exist in a place where nothing quite makes sense but works just right. But Namjoon is curious.
“Do you think we’ll ever meet in real life?” he asks one night as they’re picking sweet tangerines from blossoming trees and placing them in seemingly bottomless baskets.
“Namjoon-ah!” Suga scolds him because he doesn't like thinking about real life while dreaming.
“Hyung!” Namjoon whines because in the back of his mind he knows his alarm will go off soon. “I’m serious, do you think we will? I can’t wait to meet you. I want to squeeze your marshmallow cheeks, take you to the movies, hold your hand, watch the sunset with you, and-”
“Stop it, you’re being ridiculous,” Yoongi laughs as the world around them shifts with Namjoon’s words until they are standing in a field of small marshmallow flowers with a beautiful purple sunset behind them. Namjoon shakes his head with a bright smile.
“I’m just in love,” he says, letting himself fall back on the soft grass with a content sigh.
“Shut up,” Yoongi says after he has been quiet for a moment and joins Namjoon in laying down on the ground.
“You don’t believe me?” Namjoon asks.
“You can’t be in love with someone you’ve never met,” Yoongi says and Namjoon frowns, turning to look at him with something akin to heartbreak in his eyes. Then he shakes his head and the smile returns.
“I can be. And I am,” he challenges and Yoongi sighs, they’ve had this conversation one too many times already.
“Please, can we just- It’s about to be over,” Yoongi whispers.
“I love you,” Namjoon says.
“You don’t.”
“I do.”
“You’re ruining my dream,” Yoongi grumbles with a roll of his eyes and Namjoon laughs.
“I am your dream,” he teases.
And then his alarm goes off and it’s all over.
Kim Namjoon’s life isn’t anything glamorous. He works as a kindergarten teacher by day and a grocery store cashier by night. He lives off of ramen soup cups and the occasional restaurant meal. But he is happy, he likes kids and working the night shift isn’t as bad as his friends make it sound. Namjoon likes his life even if he doesn’t have enough money to pay his rent more often than not. If his landlord, Seokjin, wasn’t a literal angel with the patience of Jesus himself Namjoon would’ve been kicked out of his apartment months ago.
Still, Namjoon knows his life could be better. It would be, he’s certain of it, if the man he meets every night in his dreams were next to him when he wakes up. Of course, his bed is empty when he opens his eyes but he doesn’t let the disappointment slow him down. Today is the first day of classes and he really can’t afford to be late. He can find time to be upset about his dream boyfriend refusing to be his real-life boyfriend later, during his shift at the grocery store when he can get lost in his own mind without worrying about some little kid having an accident.
Of course, things aren’t that easy and Kim Namjoon’s life hardly ever goes according to plan. He manages to keep his mind off of it until the school day is over. He likes being on pick-up duty on the first week to meet the parents, introduce himself briefly, and more easily relate who is whose kid. It’s going well, he’s almost done, only one little girl from his group to go.
“Who’s coming to pick you up today, Sunmi?” Namjoon asks, the girl standing next to him holding his hand as they look out the door.
“My daddy. I think. Sometimes he’s busy,” She explains, one of her fingers in her mouth. Namjoon hums, it’s understandable for him to be late, the first days of school are always a little hectic.
“I’m sure he won’t wake much longer. Do you have all of your things ready?” She nods with a smile. Then she looks around her and her eyes widen.
“My jacket!” She quickly lets go of Namjoon’s hand to run back to the classroom to look for it.
“I’ll help her!” Jimin laughs at Namjoon’s surprised face and goes after Sunmi. Namjoon watches his coworker leave and shakes his head with a smile. It would’ve been stranger if she hadn’t forgotten something.
“Hello?” A man says from behind Namjoon and he turns around with his parent-greeting smile ready.
“Hello, who are you picking up?” But his smile falls at the sight before him. Min Suga is standing right in front of him. Right there. While they’re awake. “My dream man!” Namjoon gasps and the other one looks at him with a frown.
“Y-your what?” His eyes widen, and he tilts his head to the side. “Who?”
Sunmi runs up to them then, handing the man at the door her bag and jacket and jumping to hug him with an excited “daddy!” Namjoon blinks. What?
“Thank you for taking good care of her,” he says and nothing more. He turns around and walks to his car quickly. Namjoon doesn’t get over his broken heart fast enough to stop him.
What?
—
Min Yoongi is a single father of a lovely little girl. He has a stable job as a producer for a big idol company and no time for romance. His little Sunmi is all the company he needs, and the evident proof of his failure as a lover. He was married to Sunmi’s mother for two years before their relationship fell apart. Their baby girl was born amidst their divorce, her mother had known she’d been pregnant but didn’t want to raise the baby while still living with Yoongi. He understood, they share custody. It’s fine really, they’re not on bad terms but Yoongi will forever feel guilty for single-handedly tearing his family apart. He got plenty of warnings.
Yoongi has been dreaming of Namjoon consistently for six months. He doesn’t know why it started and doesn't know how to stop it. But he doesn’t really want to stop it. Namjoon is sweet and cute and he makes Yoongi feel so special.
But Namjoon doesn’t know him, it’s all just a dream.
Until it isn’t and Yoongi is standing in front of the perfect man when all he came to do was pick up his daughter from her first day back in kindergarten. And Namjoon, sweet Namjoon, recognizes him immediately. And Yoongi panics. Play dumb , he tells himself. And so he does and runs away as fast as he can.
This is no longer a dream, it’s a nightmare.
—
Namjoon drags himself to bed as soon as he gets home and he doesn’t move to change or brush his teeth or do anything but lay there and suffer. His eyes are watering and he feels lonely. Namjoon falls asleep on top of his covers and doesn’t dream.
Yoongi overthinks their interaction until past three am. He lays in the dark and when he finally falls asleep he doesn’t dream either.
It continues like that for the rest of the week, and then for the rest of the month. Namjoon’s nights are dreamless and restless. He grows more and more tired with every passing day, and much to his demise he finally understands why his friends said such a late shift would be awful. More often than not Namjoon is dozing off where he stands in the middle of restocking nowadays.
Yoongi doesn't pick up Sunmi again after the first day of school. Namjoon always waits patiently by the door, trying not to let his nerves or excitement show as he greets other parents, but Yoongi never comes. Instead, a woman who the little girl happily greets "mommy!" starts picking her up. Namjoon introduces himself with a smile, despite the twisting in his stomach and the nasty feeling in his heart.
It gets harder after that for Namjoon, the heartbreak worsens and so does the restlessness. Millions of possibilities swarm his head, with Yoongi’s secret family being the worst revelation he’d ever had to deal with. Lucky for him Sunmi likes talking and promptly lets Namjoon know her parents aren't together anymore.
"Daddy got busy with work so mommy takes me to her house after school instead," she says to her classmate while colouring one morning. "I like it because she has a kitty! But I miss eating with daddy, mommy is usually busy with work after school." Their conversation then deviates into pets but the small bit of information is enough to make Namjoon feel better for the rest of the day.
He is slowly getting over it. If Yoongi doesn't remember the months of bonding and hand-holding then maybe he can at least meet him in real life, surely they can be good friends. If only the other man wasn't so apparently adamant on avoiding him.
"Mommy thinks that daddy likes you," Sunmi giggles with a juice box in her hand. It's been a month since their first meeting. A whole month without dreams, without tangerines and gummy smiles. Namjoon chokes on his sip of water.
"W-what?" he asks in the midst of a coughing fit. Sunmi laughs a little harder at his blushing cheeks.
"I heard them talking yesterday," she says with a shrug. It's the end of the day, the rest of the kids have long ago been picked up. Only Sunmi is left and Namjoon decided to stay until her mother arrives. He got her a juice box and a sandwich from a convenience store nearby so she wouldn't be hungry, and they're in the midst of their improvised lunch now.
"Oh," Namjoon says. He's heard countless family secrets from kids before, a lot of them about him and whether or not the parents liked him, but this is different. Sunmi doesn't seem to want to go into any more detail so Namjoon is left unsure of what to do with the revelation or what to assume from it. Does Yoongi like him? Or does he like him?
The telephone at the reception starts ringing and Namjoon hurries to answer it.
"Mr Kim!" He easily recognises the voice to be Sunmi's mom. As it turns out there was an emergency at her workplace and she won't be able to pick the child up. She gives Namjoon Yoongi's address and asks him to please take her over because she can't get ahold of the man. Namjoon agrees, because what's the alternative?
"Thank you so much! When you arrive at the gate, tell them my code, it's 8264, you'll need it to enter."
"Gate?"
"I have to go, thank you so much!" She hangs up before Namjoon can ask anything else. He lowers the phone and writes the code on a post-it before he winds up forgetting it. Then makes his way back to Sunmi and starts picking up the trash from their meal.
"Come on, I'm taking you to your appa's house Sunmi," he tells her so she grabs her things and she nods.
"Okay appa," Sunmi smiles, picking up her backpack. This is hardly the first time one of the kids has referred to him as a father, the slip-up is quite common at this age so he simply brushes it off like any other time and takes her hand. He doesn't allow his mind to wander into daydreams, the lack of an escape at night has made it so the fantasy seeps into his every day more often than not if he lets it.
Namjoon has to take her on the bus but Sunmi is hardly bothered. She sits next to Namjoon fascinated by the ride and tells him all about her dog Holly and her favourite princess movie. Namjoon listens attentively, chiming in with a comment now and then because of course he’d watched that one Barbie movie.
He helps her get off at their stop, and the little girl is just amazed by the other passengers and happily waves goodbye to everyone. They follow the GPS on Namjoon’s phone until they start walking down an elegant street that is much cleaner and taken care of than what Namjoon is used to. Sunmi skips next to him, stopping to pet a dog that a woman walks on a leash, until they reach an adorned gate. Namjoon is left a little out of breath by the impressive sight and still in a bit of a daze finds the crumpled-up post-it note in his pocket and gives the security guard the code to be let in.
"This is my house!" Sunmi points excitedly and pulls Namjoon in the direction of one of the huge houses, just as the first few drops of rain start falling from a quickly darkening sky. Namjoon gapes at the sight, he swears this place is as big as his whole apartment building. It’s huge, it’s fancy, and it’s not at all where he ever dreamed Yoongi would live. He’d always seemed so relaxed, so laid-back and unbothered. He rings the doorbell and Sunmi bounces on her heels as they wait. Namjoon starts feeling a little nervous as they wait, standing on the very elegant porch he actually wonders how much he knows Yoongi. First, a whole secret family, now a very wealthy lifestyle, what else is there?
"Daddy!" Sunmi giggles when the door finally opens. Yoongi stands on the other side, looking tired, with dark bags under his eyes and his hair messy. He wears a black pair of pants and a worn hoodie, and honestly just looks totally out of place in the grand mansion.
"Namjoon?" Yoongi asks with wide eyes as Sunmi wraps her arms around her dad's legs.
"Hello, Min-ssi," Namjoon says politely, bowing lightly.
"Why-?” Yoongi starts but the little girl is quickly babbling about her day and how much Namjoon also likes Barbie a little too loudly to let him think. “Sunmi, baby, go pet Holly, he missed you today," he tells his daughter with a nervous smile, already lightly pushing her inside the house.
"Okay!" She quickly takes her shoes off and runs inside, slipping a couple of times as she calls out sweetly for the dog.
"Why are you here?" Yoongi asks once she is gone, looking very confused.
"No one came to pick her up, and her mom asked me to bring her here," Namjoon explains. Yoongi blinks then swears under his breath and motions for Namjoon to come inside.
"It's starting to rain," he mumbles and Namjoon steps inside without a word. "Want me to drive you home?" He asks, noting the lack of a strange car parked anywhere outside.
"Ah, you don't have to," Namjoon shakes his head, handing Yoongi the backpack, which is just discarded on the floor along with the girl’s shoes. "I can take the bus-"
"In this weather?" Yoongi shakes his head. "I'll drive you." It's not a question so Namjoon doesn't protest anymore and lets Yoongi tell the maid to watch over Sunmi for a moment.
The ride is awkward, and quiet except for the GPS telling Yoongi where to turn and the rain against the windshield. Until a few blocks from his apartment, Namjoon finally decides to speak.
"Do you really not remember me?" He asks quietly and Yoongi sighs. There's a beat of silence before he responds once they park.
"Do you really live here?" He asks with a frown instead as he peeks at the building and the awfully lit street.
"Suga-"
"Yoongi," he interrupts and Namjoon stares at him in confusion. "My name is Yoongi," he nods.
"Why did you give me a fake name?" Namjoon chuckles in disbelief and Yoongi smiles.
“What did you want from me? I was ten years old when you asked and my mom had been going pretty hard on the whole don’t-talk-to-strangers lecture then," he laughs but avoids Namjoon's eyes.
"Why did you lie?" Namjoon asks after another moment of just the pitter-patter on the windows.
"I just panicked,” Yoongi says quickly, then his frown deepens and Namjoon already knows he won’t like whatever he is about to say. “Look, Namjoon, you're great. Sunmi loves you and Jisoo, well honestly she kind of loves you too, and I can't believe," Yoongi trails off, rubs his face with his hands and takes a deep breath. "I can't believe you're real. I like you, but I know you love me and I- I can't love you. And you don't know me."
Namjoon is speechless, it hurts far more to hear Yoongi say it now. Rejection feels real this time. He nods, even though he doesn’t think this is true at all. Sure, Yoongi’s life is so much different to what he’d expected but that doesn’t mean Yoongi as a person is any different to what he’s come to know and love. If anything it feels more authentic than whatever Yoongi might imagine it to be, because in their dreams there’s no reason to pretend, no reason to fake anything, and being a visualization of their unconscious minds, there’s probably nothing to hide. But it’s clear Yoongi is uncomfortable with them being anything more than acquaintances in real life so Namjoon just nods, wishing the dream could’ve gone on for just a little longer.
"Well then, I'll see you next time you pick Sunmi up," He opens the door and steps outside, the rain is still falling, but he endures it just to get away, to give Yoongi some space. "I hope you'll be able to sleep soon, sweet dreams," he smiles sincerely before closing the car door and hurrying to enter his apartment. Namjoon is honest and he doesn’t argue because he is a mature adult who can take a handful of harsh words without crying. But he struggles with the key and ends up damper than he would've if his vision wasn't so blurry. Namjoon walks through the front door and doesn't look back before closing it after himself and hurrying up the steps inside. At least he can spend his evening eating an extra large tub of ice cream and watching romantic comedies at home tonight as consolation for getting his heart broken by the same mine of the millionth time. Only this time it wasn’t a dream. Only this man exists and for some reason, he can’t accept Namjoon’s feelings being as real as they both are.
—
Yoongi continues to avoid Namjoon, and it feels far less like a coincidence every time he doesn't show up to pick up his daughter now. It's alright, Namjoon decides. He takes care of the kids with a smile and the excitement of a "maybe today" in the back of his mind. But Yoongi never shows up, so Namjoon drags his feet to his shift at the grocery store and then back to bed for another night of dreamless sleep.
Except that, tonight something different happens. Namjoon dreams again but it's not how it used to be. He finds himself wandering a suffocating mess of plain tall walls with no ceiling and stars twinkling above. He walks and walks because somehow he knows that Yoongi is somewhere in here. The maze is confusing, makes no sense as dreams tend to do and it just feels like he's walking the same hallway over and over.
The same dream returns the next night. Namjoon looks for Yoongi but it feels like he's making no progress. He walks and finds out with much frustration that he can't manipulate anything to make this easier, he can't imagine stairs, can't climb the walls, can't will the whole thing to just be gone already. He can't do anything but walk in silence and attempt to find guidance in the stars.
These dreams leave him just as tired as the ones with a lack of them, and it's plain obvious to Namjoon that he isn't the only one struggling. Sunmi lets him know that her dad is tired and grumpy and that she doesn't like him recently. She's tired too, clutching her crayons and dragging them angrily across pieces of paper that end up tearing, always making a fuss during lunchtime but especially before and after naptime. She whines and cries and kicks and Namjoon knows she's just frustrated so he patiently calms her down and lets her sleep a couple of extra minutes.
"Stop." One random Tuesday night things change again, and Namjoon can hear Yoongi even if he can't see him anywhere.
"No," Namjoon replies, pushing through on his way even though he feels like he's sinking. It gets harder to walk like he's trying to run underwater.
"Stop it, Namjoon. Why are you doing this?"
"I need to find you."
"Stay away. This is only hurting you."
"I don't care. I need to find you."
"Why?"
"Because I love you."
Namjoon wakes up startled, it's still way too early but he can't fall back asleep no matter how much he tosses and turns. So he drags himself out of bed and prepares himself for a tiring day.
Every night he feels like he's getting closer despite also feeling like he's making no progress. Yoongi's voice gets louder, and every time he asks Namjoon "why?" the answer is always "I love you," and the subsequent "no," that forces them awake sounds less and less final every time.
It's a Friday night, two months into nights of terrible sleep. The kids had too much energy today and in turn, it left Namjoon exhausted. He restocks a shelf, and isn't even sure he's putting the products in the right place but whatever, if he isn't it'll be someone else's problem in the morning. It's not even that late yet, so people still roam the aisles and pull him away from his tasks now and again. He directs a lady to the aisle with the jam and yawns. He's too tired for this, maybe he should come up with a lie to leave early. And as he's trying to come up with a believable sudden illness a scream breaks through the generic pop music playing on the store's speakers.
Namjoon moves fast to see what's causing the commotion and he runs straight into Yoongi at the frozen section. Sunmi is on the floor, screaming and wailing about dinosaur nuggets while Yoongi just stands there looking helpless. He tries to calm her, and gets her to stand up but she continues to stomp her feet and scream until she pulls her arm from her dad's grasp and runs off to accidentally crash straight into Namjoon. Yoongi looks at him with concerned eyes, wordlessly pleading with the younger one for help.
Namjoon kneels down on one knee and gently calls her name, "Sunmi," she shakes her head furiously, stomping once more. Namjoon doesn't grab her, it's clear she doesn't want to be touched even as she holds on tightly to the front of his shirt with her little fists. Namjoon gives her a moment, he lets her cry because at least she is no longer screaming but is still visibly agitated. And now that she can hear him he tries again. "Sunmi, you know we're not supposed to scream," he says and she nods, another broken sob slipping past her lips. "Okay, let's breathe, as we do with Mr puppy at school, alright? Deep breaths and then you tell me what happened," he says and she nods in understanding. She calms down further with a bit of breathing, still clutches to Namjoon's shirt, and makes no attempt to clean the snot running out her nose. "How are you feeling?" He asks, sitting her down on his knee now that she scooted a bit closer to him. She takes another shaky breath and frowns.
"Angry," she mumbles.
"Like a red monster, or blue monster?"
"Blue monster," Namjoon nods, and she kicks her feet.
"Can you say why?" He asks and she nods, more tears pooling in her eyes when she turns to look at her dad.
"Because daddy said no dino nuggets."
"Do you know why he said that?" Namjoon asks carefully, knowing full well that they haven't stocked those up in a few weeks, he really likes dinosaur nuggets too.
"Because he's MEAN," she screams. Namjoon shushes her and gives her a second to calm down again.
"No, I don't think that's it," he says and she takes another shaky breath with a big pout.
"Because he can't find them," she admits, and Namjoon nods. With some more back and forth they finally agree this isn’t Yoongi’s fault and that it's okay to get normal nuggets this time instead so Sunmi apologizes to her dad with a hug.
Namjoon gets up from the ground while Yoongi is still looking at him amazed. He gives an awkward smile and turns around to go back to his job. But Yoongi quickly stops him with a hand on his bicep and Sunmi in his arms now.
“Please come over for dinner tomorrow,” he says quickly. His cheeks are red and it really doesn’t seem like this is the kind of thing Yoongi would do out of the blue so Namjoon agrees.
—
“Thank you about yesterday,” Yoongi says after they’ve shared a very awkward and quiet dinner. Neither is very sure of where they stand and they're wary to start a conversation because they don’t know whether or not it will leave them satisfied. So they uncomfortably shared dinner, with too many words in their head and none actually being spoken, and then ended up on opposite ends of a couch that is way too big in Yoongi’s living room.
“Hm?” Namjoon asks, looking away from the movie playing on the TV that he hasn’t actually been paying attention to and turns to Yoongi.
“Yesterday. I just, well, Sunmi doesn’t tend to throw tantrums around me that often, and I, I don’t really know how to deal with the stress of being a parent sometimes,” he admits distractedly. He doesn’t turn to look at Namjoon as he speaks, saying it like it’s some non-important detail.
Namjoon smiles, because he does know Yoongi despite how much the elder denies it, so he knows it’s not as easy to say this aloud as he is pretending it is.
“It’s alright, kids are hard,” Namjoon answers like it’s not a big deal. Yoongi nods and they spend another moment of silence. Neither wants to move or speak and the film has been going on for too long to pay attention to it so without either really realizing it they find themselves dozing off on the couch.
Namjoon is running, a sense of urgency pushing him forward. He takes turn after turn on the maze, frantically calling out for Yoongi but he gets no response. It’s darker here than before, he can hardly see past his nose but somehow knows when to turn and when to keep going straight. Namjoon runs like he knows where he is going until suddenly he crashes straight into Yoongi and they both end up stumbling back.
“I love you,” Yoongi says fast, looking agitated as if he is running out of time. Namjoon doesn’t get a chance to reply before he jolts awake and ends up falling off the couch and hitting his head on the edge of the coffee table.
“Careful! Are you okay, what the hell?” Yoongi asks, with his eyes narrowed and his lips in a pout. Namjoon looks up and Yoongi’s eyes widen, but the younger one doesn’t let him speak.
“I love you too! But you don’t have to rush anything, I know your life is complicated but Min Yoongi, I’ll wait for you as long as you need.”
Yoongi doesn’t say anything, too startled by the sudden events to really think of anything else to say but, “your head is bleeding.”
Then he is panickedly driving Namjoon to the closest hospital while scolding him for hitting his head and telling him all about the possible severity of such injuries. Namjoon only smiles, with a pack of frozen vegetables on his forehead and a dumb smile on his face.
“Sweet dreams,” he says with gauze on his head and a silly little sparkle to his eyes as Yoongi is about to drive away after dropping him off.
“I hope,” Yoongi grumbles, cheeks turning pink while he looks intensely at the steering wheel in his hand.
They meet again the following day, and the one after that one, and the next one too. Not for dinner because Namjoon still has a shift at the grocery store that Yoongi has winded up complaining about a few hundred times.
“I’ll see you in your dreams anyway,” Namjoon laughs before he hangs up the phone and puts his things away in his locker. Sunmi is staying at his mom’s for the month, as was the original agreement of the custody before Yoongi started avoiding her kindergarten teacher like the plague.
But slowly, with every dinner, every dimpled smile, every “I know you like that, you told me once in a dream,” Yoongi starts realizing that he wants more. That sure, it’s nice to doze off and see Namjoon every day in a land where nothing makes sense but everything fits perfectly into place and yet, he wants more. He wants to see him every day, wants to share things with him, wants to touch him and let him squeeze his cheeks. Yoongi wants and Namjoon is more than willing to give. He waits patiently for Yoongi to make the first move, waits for him to ask him over, to scoot a little closer, and to bring up new topics in conversations. Because Yoongi is trying to put his walls down and Namjoon doesn’t mind waiting until he is ready, it’s okay if it’s easier to hold hands while they’re asleep, everything is simpler then.
Namjoon waits until finally, one day, Yoongi kisses him, and the simple promise of being ready for more makes him so happy that that night once they go to sleep it’s nothing but pink and hearts and the giddy lovely feeling of being in love.