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There's something about being the Kraken that Edward has never confided in anyone.
A part of it that he can barely stand to admit to himself.
He’s relinquished himself to the identity more than a few times in his life. He’s come to view it like flipping a coin. On one side, there is the Kraken. On the other, there is Edward. Somewhere along the edge, is Blackbeard and Ed and even Jeff the accountant.
But the idea is the coin and its two sides. He has the capacity for all of it, it’s all bits of himself in truth. But the Kraken… flipping to that side means turning off everything else.
Snuffing out any flame of emotion. Becoming a machine of efficiency. Doing the hard jobs and doing them well, without hesitations that come from things like feelings.
It’s hard. His mind is still in there, sitting in wait as his body enters something akin to a state of survival. But he manages it. To do the job, he manages it.
But the worst part of becoming the Kraken... is that it doesn't even work .
When he was young, when he strangled the life out of his drunk father using ship rope, he was foolish enough to believe it would save him. Naïve enough to think something as simple as killing would bring salvation. He had hoped, that by releasing the monster that lay just beneath the surface, it would fix everything. One moment of true horror performed at his fingertips, and life would be good.
It was a deal he was willing to make.
He'd kill his father, and it would remove the abuse, the neglect, the pain, and all the scars from his and his mother's life. It could all be gone if he became the Kraken for just a moment. Surely, that was the solution. The throwing, the yelling, the crying, the fear… it would be over. He would be done with all of it because he'd do what needed to be done. That man wouldn't hurt them anymore. His innocence be damned if it meant he could find happiness. He would stain his hands red for some peace.
And so he pulls the rope. And so he listens to the choked-out cries. And so the body goes limp, and all the noise silences... it meant he did it. That was good. Right? If he could fix everything, it would be worth it. It'd be worth anything to find some goddamn peace.
It doesn't, though. Doesn't really bring about any peace.
But it offers a slight reprieve.
A loosen on the tight bonds he's been held under his whole life. There is a moment when he is able to breathe easier. His father was dead. He’d shove his body into the harbor and go home, knowing he'd never see that face again. He could see his mother without that fear she always held. There was hope for their future without that monster hanging over them.
The Kraken had stolen from Ed, but its service would fix everything.
Of course, that's what he believed.
But, it doesn't. It doesn't fix everything.
It barely fixes anything.
His mother began to drink in his father's place. It didn't come from a place of malice, but as the only parent to work and make money to provide the roof over their heads, she now had to labor near all hours of the day tending to the homes and women in the finer side of town to keep it up. In the left-over time, she turned to booze for her troubles. To ease the stress and anger and exhaustion that came from the work.
She was practically gone. Whether she was cleaning up after rich women in their mansions, drunk in her own home, or blacked out upon any surface he found herself at... She was always gone those days, in one way or another.
This was the contingency of the Kraken's "peace". A contingency Ed might've hesitated to accept had he known this was the deal he was taking.
He still would've done it. Even this was better than his father. But he should've liked to know that to be the Kraken wasn't to perform a miracle. And it was not a fix given free of charge. His mother paid the price.
He tried to find work so he could help, but as a brown kid born from such a publicly terrible father... he wasn't really given any chances in that regard. If he managed to find someone who would allow him to labor, it seemed only days would pass before he was accused of thievery or violence. All of which were lies. He just wanted to work and earn so he could relieve some of the weight from his mother's shoulders. To lift some of the burden. To give her room to be herself again.
Yet, it seemed like around every corner, someone was trying to hold him back.
So he gave into the Kraken again. Decided that if the townspeople were only going to see him as a thief, he might as well actually gain something through such means. And so he stole. Dressed himself in black and at night snuck through the houses of those who were far richer than him, until he made off with whatever he could. Most often, he would scour for jewelry and collect it in a chest under the bed. He wasn't sure how to sell it discreetly after all.
It wasn't a perfect plan, sure, but watching his spoils amass left him feeling satisfied far longer than his father's death did.
One day though, his mother found it when she returned home from work. She was furious. There was a lot of screaming. About how shameful it was, about what it would say about them and others of their skin tone, what would've happened had he been caught.
And it was far too familiar of his father, watching her scream at him.
It felt like a sharp blade dragged along a well-visited scar on his heart. To reopen a wound he already knew. A pain he seemed to recognize all too well, and yet, it stung more this time around. He had done these reprehensible things to help her. Forsaken his morals and respect so he could help the mother he loved so much. And even though he knew she loved him too, the way she was looking at him... with drunken disdain and disappointment. He couldn't take it. He couldn't stay there anymore.
So he followed the Kraken's pull again.
This time it called to the sea.
If the land fairing people wouldn't allow him peace... Well, piracy would surely see the value in the cruelty he was finding the ability to turn to when need be. To be an outlaw, a criminal. To run away from all the rules he knew he couldn't satisfy. Surely, this was the change he needed. This was what would fix it. All of it.
Yes. He’d figured out the rules of the Kraken.
The Kraken couldn't fix what was already broken of his life. But it could make something of its own. So, if he threw the whole thing away? Then it'd work. Of course, it would.
The Kraken took him out to the water and made him successful. Legend and myth were built in his name. A full legacy cast in dark, inky shadows. Something he never could've forged alone. The Kraken helped him, the beast laying within his skin, waiting for when it was called upon to do its work. And then returning to nest in Edward's chest when he needed to breathe. It was what made all of it possible.
Through the years, he found a sort of balance. Blackbeard became a renowned name, and he didn’t have to completely give himself to the Kraken anymore. He could reel it in. He could have a small level of feelings, and he didn’t have the be the one to strike people down. He was somewhere in between being himself and playing the performance.
It seemed to work.
But even that satisfaction died. He was free of that home, that town, the memories, but he was trapped all the same. Now trapped by his legend. His own reputation became a cage.
And it was one he built himself.
When he admitted to weakness, emotion, or boredom, even if to his most trusted man, it was revealed how much that really wasn’t allowed. He wasn't allowed to cast off the Kraken, and he was already being looked down upon for letting it fall as far as he had.
After all that time, he was now expected to only be the Kraken.
Edward Teach had no room in the life the monster built. It wasn't his own anymore. His body was only meant for efficiency and excellence, nothing for himself. There was never any fun. Never any excitement.
Never any companionship.
No one ever really got close to him. He was always wearing a mask, and his legend led people to hold their distance. They revered him so much they preferred to watch him from afar than stand next to him. They preferred to listen to his legacy from rumors than talk to him.
Then there was Stede.
Stede, who didn't know who he was at the beginning. Stede, who stood next to him, who talked to him. Stede, who wanted to get to know the man he barely knew how to find within himself. Stede, who watched him have feelings, be vulnerable, admit to darkness... and still wanted to be by his side.
With Stede, he had hoped for something new.
Perhaps he could cast away the Kraken, fully this time, in favor of something else? He could try something else to stay with him. To be daft and dandy and gentle. To pretend to be "Ed". It was a new mask. An easier one to wear, admittedly, but it was all so completely new to him. In a way, he was trying to kill Blackbeard and figure out someone else to be.
He gave it his best shot back there, in the barracks of King George’s rehabilitated sailers… didn’t matter.
Stede left him anyway.
He saw every part of him that Edward was and wasn’t, and Stede decided he didn’t like it in the end. He made his promises and disappeared when the sun went down.
He was so hurt, that he couldn’t even manage any mask when he returned to The Revenge. He just hid in the captain's quarters, laying there, alone in the dark, and he thought. Thought about everything. Everything he’s done, everything he's lost, everything the world has decided he didn’t deserve.
Love was something the world decided he didn't deserve. Not in any respect. Familial, Platonic, Romantic... it was all too good for him. Meant for better men. Just as his mother said.
But maybe he could’ve lived in there anyway. Somewhere in the honesty. He could mend himself until it didn’t hurt so entirely, and leave the masks with the wreckage of his past. Instead of carefully calculated presentations, he could try just feeling everything he’s ever tried to tuck away. Maybe there was a chance he could be seen as he was, without all the work he’d put in to manage everyone else, and it would be fine.
He was wrong.
Izzy showed him that much.
And now he's the Kraken again. He followed its advice and gave himself back to the proficiency and experience it offered.
It gave him steps to ensure he couldn't be killed in a mutiny over an idea as foolish as "being himself". Kill Lucius, hurt Izzy, throw away all that was left of Stede, steal Frenchie and Jim, and leave all the others for dead. He did what the Kraken wanted. He appealed to the creature because it was all he had left. The only thing that kept him alive. The only thing that has been with him since childhood. The only thing that never abandoned him.
But, at the end of the day, when the sky fades to black and the moon casts her judgmental eyes upon him; when she looks at him as he sits on the bed of Stede Bonnet. The only person he’s really loved in such a genuine way… the only man he believed had ever loved him the way he always longed for. In that bed, in the dead of night, he remembers.
He remembers everything he’s lost - or sacrificed - to the Kraken for its command. And he cries into his hand to muffle the pitiful sound. Because it hurts too much to keep the Kraken up when no one is watching. When the guilt of his wretched life takes the opportunity to claw into him until his heart is left bloody and raw. It hurts too much.
His Father. His Mother. Blackbeard.
And now Stede.
The Kraken never works.
No matter how he turns to it, it never gives him what he wants. Never what he needs. It gives him half-solutions that leaves him still breathing and brimming with misery in its wake.
But it’s all he has left.
Being the Kraken.