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Lan Xichen had just returned from Qinghe. Still feeling wound up after seeing that Nie Mingjue's condition had somehow deteriorated despite all of their efforts, and especially with all the time A-Yao spent trying to help, he needed to unwind if he wanted to get any sleep tonight. So despite the late hour and it being long past curfew, he decided to go to the cold spring, a rare occurrence for him to abuse his power as Sect leader.
And this is when he heard a faint sound of humming. It was very soft but with how quiet the whole place was, it could be heard clearly. The melody flowed almost hauntingly in the air, drawing the listener to the source. And so, Lan Xichen followed the sound, even though he had somewhat of an idea as to who the voice belonged to.
The clearer the sound got as he followed getting closer to the source, the huskier the voice sounded as if it's been used for a long time and was getting sore. When he reached the meadow the rabbits inhabited, he saw his little brother there, sitting on the ground, humming, his hands stroking the bunnies asleep on his lap. There wasn't much of an expression on Lan Wangji's face but as his brother who has watched him grow and see how he dealt with different life events, Lan Xichen could clearly see that his brother was grieving.
Still grieving.
It's been five years since Wei Wuxian's death and even though Lan Wangji no longer had that lost look in his eyes, as if his soul had died, the way he did days after the event, Lan Xichen knew that he was still hurting. Their uncle and the elders believed that whatever came over Lan Wangji to break the rules for the Yiling Laozu had long since faded. But he knew better.
And watching his usually quiet brother humming out loud and holding the bunnies like that…
Lan Xichen took in a deep breath, reeling in his emotions and heartbreak.
"Wangji, what are you still doing here?" He asked and the humming abruptly stopped mid-note.
Lan Wangji looked up at him across the meadow, and there it was… that lost, hollow look in his eyes. The look he had seen for the first time when he had delivered the news of Wei Wuxian's death to his brother. The look, his didi masks all through the day.
No response comes, Lan Wangji just holds his gaze. As if at this moment, he couldn't find the energy to come up with a response or pretend. Understanding that his brother wanted space and he had encroached here. And, not knowing how to make it better, not wanting to make things worse, he sighs, "Try getting some sleep before sunrise, Wangji," he says, then he turns and leaves.
-
Lan Wangji watches his brother's retreating form until it disappears and then looks back down at the bunnies in his lap. He begins to hum once again. Letting the melody fill his senses. The melody that he had composed… for him. For the man he loved.
His voice falters for a beat. His throat aches from the hours he sat here, letting that melody drift through his being. Desperately trying to find a way to feel close to him.
'Wei Ying'
The name is always on his mind, the feel and sound of the words familiar to his inner voice, as he never said the name out loud. It was too much for him. He found it hard enough when he heard others say it, more so because of the contempt and hatred that accompanied it.
So he repeated it in his mind. Called out to his love mentally. Infusing every bit of love he felt, every bit of warmth that the memories of that bright smiling face brought to him, every bit of regret that hollowed out his being for how late he was, how useless.
'Wei Ying. Wei Ying. Wei Ying'
He often came to the meadows to sit with rabbits as another way to feel close to Wei Wuxian, though the bunnies that his love that given him had both long since passed but their children were still here, somehow there were also new members that seem to have joined the colony in the recent years. He felt calm around them. He always had from the time he had the first two. Another one of many gifts that Wei Wuxian had given him, not knowing how much it meant to him.
In recent years he comes here to think. When things feel especially hard, in this place he feels like Wei Ying's presence is somehow with him, even though logically he knows it's just his mind making it up but he wants to believe otherwise. He needs to believe that Wei Ying is out there somewhere. His soul finally free. Free of a society that restricted and held him back. Free of judgment and suffering. And that even with this freedom, he'd come to check on his old friend.
'I thought of you as someone I could always rely on in this lifetime. A soulmate', his mind replays the memory. And he knows that Wei Ying probably meant 'soulmate' as in a sworn brother but to Lan Wangji, it meant everything hearing that from him. Because Wei Wuxian was his soulmate. His soulmate that he is unmoored and lost without.
But he must stay here. Even if it's without Wei Ying. He has A-Yuan to take care of.
Back when he had walked from Yiling to the Burial Mounds with A-Yuan in the middle of them both holding his and Wei Wuxian's hand, he had entertained a fantasy for a second. What if they had a son like A-Yuan, what would that look like? What would the two of them be like as parents? He was sure Wei Ying would be a wonderful parent. And at that moment he had wanted. Wanted to have a future where they raised a child together. Then he pushed the thought away as a mixture of self-loathing and shame hit him for such thoughts.
But back then he could've never known that he'd get his wish. That he'd get to bring A-Yuan, the child he had fantasized about raising with Wei Ying, back home, and give him his name. Watch him grow and learn things. A wish that came true but with its own barbs as he is left to parent their child alone without his Wei Ying.
He knows A-Yuan isn't their child but it feels that way to him regardless. He can sometimes even see Wei Ying in the child, in his brilliance, his bright smiles, and his determination. And as he watches Lan Yuan grow and meet milestones he wonders if he is doing enough. He wonders what Wei Ying would've done in his place. And every time he feels that he is falling short. Wei Ying would've done better than him.
He must endure and live, and be there for their son but it hurts. It hurts so much.
Days after Wei Ying's death, when his grief had rendered him into a state of near paralysis, his brother told him that it would get easier with time.
But he was so wrong.
It hurts so much. The pain only gets worse as time distances him further away from when Wei Ying used to be around. The hole in his chest that is left in his beloved's absence only seems to grow. The wound that was his reality, his failure, and his regret continues to bleed. He sometimes panics wondering what if with time he can't hear Wei Ying's laughter as clearly as he hears it in his mind now, what if his memories get blurry with age and he can't remember his love's face anymore?
He doesn't know what he will do then. Time doesn't do anything for him. Doesn't help his adrift soul that just goes from one day to another.
His vision gets blurry and he watches as a drop falls on the nose of the bunny sleeping on his arm, startling the sleeping creature a little. He looks up immediately to avoid that from happening again. But he can't seem to stop the tears that silently stream down his face anymore.
The clear sky and the winking stars come in and out of focus. And his lips begin to tremble, throat clogging up making him unable to hold the melody properly anymore, the tune going sharp and flat, turning it ugly, as he works to hold back a sob.
Suddenly a shooting star streaks past the sky and he stops singing and immediately shuts his eyes.
And then he makes a wish. Like he did when he was a child and he couldn't see his mother anymore. A similar wish but a lot more desperate.
'Wei Ying. Give me back my Wei Ying. Please.'
He parts his lips wanting to say it out loud. He wanted the heavens to hear him.
"We-"
"Wei-... Wei Y-"
A small broken sound leaves him and tears fall with renewed vigor.
'Where are you, Wei Ying? Are you okay?'
He opens his eyes again, looking at the dark sky and the cold glow of the stars.
'I miss you. Please come back to me, Wei Ying. Please'