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Almost was the saddest word I read.
Dear Deunghoonie hyung,
For years, I had been waiting for you to come back. I had been waiting for the sound of your footstep outside our apartment. I had been waiting for dawn to come. I had been waiting for you to come home, and I am a fool for hoping that you will.
To be honest hyung, I hate you sometimes. I hate how you let me taste the beauty of companionship. I hate how you joined me in my tea party, I hate how you talked to me till midnight and how you taught me not to be scared of sharing laughter. I hated you most because you let me taste its sweetness but never gave the recipe.
I remembered it was winter, amidst the falling of snow, I slipped, I and my hands looked for your shoulders so I could hold unto but you weren’t there. You weren’t around. I cried because we used to walk on the slippery road hand and hand while you talked about your dreams of singing on the stage and my dreams of publishing our story.
I wrote this letter because I want to stop reminiscing the good times, I want to end the hopes of us happening again. I want to end the regrets of not holding too tight. I wanted to stop remembering the days when we became almost – almost lovers.
Hyung, we were foolish to think that we wouldn’t fall when we held hands at night and whispered sugar-coated words at each other’s ears when we shared our pain and carried it on our shoulders. How foolish of us to think that we won’t be swayed by the smiles we shared at dawn. How foolish of us to stop ourselves from falling in love when clearly, we were. Now, I am foolish to feel as if we were exes when we’re not. We are an almost lovers, an almost exes. An almost; we could have happened but we didn’t.
Hyung, I do not blame you for choosing the stars; it is where you belong. You were aligned to shine. You are deserving of fame and success, you deserve to be seen. Your music needs to be heard, you sing the most beautiful songs. However, I blamed you for breaking me like how you broke your promise. You said we were in this together, you said no more lapses but none of them happened. You flew alone, you filled in the gaps alone leaving me here with nothing but hope – and only hope I have until now. You let go of my hands when we were drowning in the abyss. Sunghoon, hyung… how can an angel like you break a lonely boy like me?
The snow, the tea party, and the midnight talks were just memories of us. Hyung, I cannot keep on waiting for someone who had no plans of coming back, I can’t wait for you anymore. It was the memories that made me accept that what we had was just another chapter of your life. I cannot make it my lifetime when I am just a phase. This is my last letter to you. This is a symbol of letting you go, this is me choosing myself, and this is me accepting that we will remain an almost.
It hurts but, I cannot live like this anymore. You have the world in your hands and I am still here; living in our small rented apartment, still keeping your guitar and the mug you gave me. Your room still smelled like you, like an old roommate who encouraged me to come out of my bubble and feel what it was like to live a life.
Despite the pain you had caused, I am still the happiest that you were once part of my days. You were once an inspiration to my books, you were once on our couch giving me the privilege to listen to melodies you created. I am still grateful that you wrote songs with my name, and you engulfed me in your embrace on nights when loneliness visits. I am honored that the Sunghoon they saw on stage was once my Park Sunghoon who made ugly faces so he can stop me from bawling my eyes out.
Hyung, I am not certain if you could read this but I am moving out of this apartment. I am going to leave the traces of our past here. You chased your stars, I will now chase for mine. Thank you for everything, my almost lover, and an almost ex. Our story has now come to its end, no more waiting. I wish you nothing but your happiness.
Love, your sunshine.
p.s:
I love you once, love you still, and will wait to not love you anymore.
......................................
Dear Deunno,
Five years, it took five years before I grasped this letter in my hand. I ached Sunoo, I ached for you and us. I did you so wrong and yet you continued to love me and support me from afar. Jay (my manager and my friend) had to drag me out of my condo because I could not stop crying. I feel so bad, I had no right to cry, I hurt you—I broke you into shards but tears won’t stop falling. I know you wanted me to be happy, I thought I was happy with the glow of lights scintillating in my face, I thought I was happy with the sounds of screams and the non-stop cheers of the crowd. I thought I was happy with the music I made. I thought I was happy with the glory of fame but I realized; I was happiest when I was with you doing the most mundane things.
No one could paint a smile on my face the way you do, no one could make a coffee as you do. No one could comfort me like how your scent lulled me into a peaceful sleep. You made my nightmares stop, you drew my dreams in my palm, and you were the very reason why I chose to run for the stars but in the process of chasing the ersatz, I broke your heart. I fade with the explosion of stars, wiped out into the face of planets, together with the meteors I fell into a black hole. I was in the dark, Sunoo, I don’t want to bring your innocence with me.
I had a confession to make. Sunoo my lovely star, the person you admired so much breathed the substance of addictive drugs. You were aware of my ambition, you know how I strived the hardest to be called the best, I wanted perfection. Do you perhaps remember that day you saw me on the staircase of our apartment sobbing tears in my hands? It was the day when I lost my dream. I had decided to go for an audition for the tenth time and I was rejected—again. I felt so small, so useless, I needed warmth, I needed comfort. I called for my father and he blamed me for every wound I attained. He said I should not dream of the universe when I belong to the soil of my mother’s grave. I was lost, shattered, alone, and I know you were there, I know you would never let me go but still I feel isolated. You basked me into your warmth, you loved me so much to the point I could not breathe. Your love was not suffocating, it was powerful too powerful I burned with your rays. You were never the problem, Sunoo. I was the problem, you don’t deserve a broken man like me. You deserve better, you cannot always be there for the moon. I want you to reserve your light in the darkness never to lose your light in the dark. I was engulfed in gloom and if you remained in my embrace, my monsters will eat you too. They consumed me enough, I don’t want them to feed into your light. Sunoo yah, I battled with pain using drugs, I was an addict, there was no future with me.
I managed to sit on the throne and shone with the stars, I created music and the world heard its rhythm, its pain, and the stories I put in the closet but the glamour did not stop me from sniffing the intensity of forbidden substance—instead, it had worsened. There were times when I called for your name begging you to come, to save me from the hell I created, there were times I watched you in our apartment wanting to melt into your warmth but I can’t. I don’t want to even put my feet in your proximity. I was no longer in the dark, Sunoo, I became the darkness. I no longer avoid the monsters for I had become the monster. I could not believe that I left you with hope when I have no hope for myself. No one could save me anymore.
Or so I thought because you once again saved me. Two years ago, I saw your book, I read your notes, and I cried for the poems you wrote. I was the happiest you achieved your goal; you published a book, and your poems and proses reached me. They managed to soothe the ache. You said, “every pain is worth it if peace was gained in the end.” I was not in peace, but I remembered the days I cried for my father, for my mother, for my music, and for myself – all that was lost would be worth it if I face the monster I had become. I immediately asked Jay to schedule me with therapy. I was in rehab for two years. Now, I was out. I am getting better, best even.
I know this letter was five years ago, and my response was late, but still, I want you to know that you are my saving grace. My life is yours, since then, until now. Thank you for everything, I no longer wished for us, I only wish for your happiness. Thank you, my almost.
I love you once, love you still, and love you until the end.
Congratulations on your wedding. I hope your husband treats you best.
Love, Sunghoon.
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Vault of letters I intend to keep.
Strictly: do not send.
Dear Hoonie hyung,
Yesterday, I received this letter. One year late. How come time was never kind to us? If only I knew what happened to you earlier I should have waited. Am I happy? Yes, I am but I still dream for you, you’re still here in the deepest part of my heart. You are the secret letter I will forever keep in my vault. Hyung, I cry in the bathroom whenever my husband laughs at my joke, I berate myself, hate myself so much because I wished you were him. My husband is a gentle guy, he loves me, he will never leave me, he blankets me with comfort but my heart, belongs to you and I feel worst for my husband is everything everyone wished to have.
At night, when I look at the moon, my soul longs for you. I thought I had stopped waiting but I am still here looking at the time, listening to its tick, waiting… still waiting for you.
Why did you put my heart into your sleeve and carry it around? Why did you steal the only thing I wished I could give my other half fully? Why it was you… always you? I still cry for us, I still paint pictures of a happy family with you hugging me from behind while I hold our child’s little hand. Why are we and almost when we could be absolute? I could not stop asking God. I could still see us dancing in lines not wanting to step into the boundaries.
Why are we never together? If I was meant for my husband. Why do I still want you? If we weren’t meant to be? Why do I still love you?
Fate, destiny, time, they were cruel. Maybe we were sinners in our past lives and this is our punishment.
I wish, they were a little kinder… I wish I do not have to write letters like this. I wish I do not have vaults of scented papers full of unsaid secrets.
The only thing I could do was to wish.
I wish… to be free from this marriage.
I love you still, now, and forever.
…………
- Sunoo.
……….............................................
Notes I would never send.
Deunoo,
I bought our old apartment building. I do not know why. Maybe I still cling to our memory. I hope you're happy with whatever you do now.
- Hoon
Deunoo,
Jay sucks, he’s getting married.
- Hoon
Deunoo,
The sunrise reminds me of you. Are you happy? Be happy.
- Hoon
Deunoo,
I think I am dying. No, I am just being dramatic. But seeing you laugh with your husband directly sends me to my funeral. Just kidding, as long as you’re happy. I am happy too.
- Hoon
…
“Why are you crying, Jay?” Jungwon asked his husband. His wrinkly hand was holding an old paper, ink splattered. Despite of old age, Jay could still see the letters clearly and he felt his heart clenched. Sadness was suddenly suffocating. He was old now, Hoon was no longer here, his ash was buried in the ground.
“My love, this was Hoon’s letter for Sunoo.” Jungwon’s knee wobbled. His eyes scanned the words. Sunghoon was his friend, he knew his story, he knew how Hoon was swallowed by pain and how he was saved by the same man he addressed his letters with.
The couple was deemed silent, they were appalled.
Sunghoon’s love was immortalized in form of ink and paper. In form of stories and poems.
…............
“Why was Heeseung crying?” Jake asked his brother Riki, they were looking at their friend crumbling on the floor hugging a small box. “Did he miss Sunoo again?”
“No. Worse than that. H-he discovered that he was not Sunoo’s greatest love.”
Jake slowly walked towards his friend, he put his arms around Hee’s shoulder, and the latter only sobbed in anguish.
“I wish I was not selfish,” Hee said, tears streaming into his face. “I know Jake, I had always known that Sunoo only loved one man but I chose to chain him. He was happiest when he was with him. I wished I give him freedom. Sunoo, he was too kind. He would never hurt me so he chose to hurt for himself, silently, he grieved for the love he lost and I knew this, I ignored the way his eyes shift into pain whenever he sees Sunghoon’s poster in malls or on television. I was selfish.”
And Jake could only hug his friend, holding his wrinkly hand while he cries for the love that was not his, to begin with.