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Love comes with warmth and happiness; it's the mutual sense of security and comfort for both parties. Never defined by time, a concept impossible to be grasped by anyone. Love is shown in the subtle assurance of your lover’s presence — seen in the crease on the left side of your bed every morning after a night of soft cuddles and heated kisses. It’s in the taste of your lover's homemade meal, crafted with the purest affection and care. It's also in the tingling sensation of your hand brushing against each other while walking shoulder to shoulder, followed by a sequence of giggles.
It’s in the smallest details of your willingness to remain by each other's side.
Or at least that’s how Kai conceptualizes love. He’s aware the concept of love and romance differs for every individual. He’s been repeatedly chastised before that his perception is muddled by rose-tinted glasses, Kai doesn’t agree with them, but as time passes, he learns to muffle the criticism in silence and awkward smiles.
After all, what’s the point of listening to the opinion of nameless others when the epitome of his love and joy is right in front of him?
“I’ll be home soon,” Taehyun beams, cupping his cheek gently before tiptoeing to kiss his nose. “Don’t miss me too much, okay?”
Kai giggles and wraps his arms around his boyfriend, leaning down to return the kiss on his forehead. “I should be saying that to you!”
After a few more seconds of fooling around, Taehyun slips away from his grip. “See you later!”
“Take care, Taehyunie.”
Once the door to their shared apartment closes and Kai is left alone in their living room, the dreadful feeling of loneliness never comes to him. Taehyun leaves with the promise of returning: "I'll see you later," he'll always say with a gentle voice and sincere eyes as if he's aware of the fears that linger in the corners of Kai's mind.
In Kai’s life, he learns early on that everyone he loves and trust comes and goes so easily, yet Taehyun who he’s only known for two years, has already become his constant; a presence so thoroughly felt that even without being physically near Kai, everything is marked by his love, reassuring his commitment of staying by Kai’s side until the very end.
Taehyun’s love doesn’t burn him, it doesn’t turn him into smoldering ashes. What it does is protect him and warm him from the inside out with his words and actions of adoration.
But Kat doesn't feel those things exclusively with Taehyun. Because before Kang Taehyun, there's lulling solace mouthed by full heart-shaped lips, promising him days bathed in the glow of joy and security.
Before Kang Taehyun, there's Choi Soobin.
If Taehyun is the lyrics he writes, then Soobin is the melody of the songs he produces.
Before Kai loves Taehyun, he loved Choi Soobin first.
No. He loves Soobin, still.
People will label it as wrong, immoral even. And for the longest time, Kai thought the same, he cursed himself with the same insult faceless people throw at him, guilt tasting bitter and revolting in his mouth. That’s until he discovered people like him, individuals whose heart isn’t bound to one person only, people who are unbothered by the established norms.
Sure, it took time until he rids himself of any scrap of guilt, but it was all worth it. By that time, he has recognized that he’s never been in the wrong for his feelings; vile words of deprecation blend with whispers of reassurance before turning into cheers of encouragement.
Kai can love both Soobin and Taehyun at the same time, he can cherish two of his most precious person and there’s nothing wrong with it.
That’s what leads him to this exact moment.
Sitting in the little nook of a quaint cafe, hidden from the prying eyes of strangers, isolated from judgment and unwanted opinion, Kai takes his heart out and places it on the table with a gentle smile on his face.
“Hyung, what do you think about polyamory?”
Soobin nearly chokes on his drink. Fortunately, Soobin composes himself before anything disastrous happens. He reaches for the napkin and gingerly wipes his lips clean of any residue.
Kai smiles brighter.
“Why are you asking me that?” Soobin goggles at him adorably. Kai lets out a tiny laugh, earning a soft sigh from the other. “Nevermind. I guess I should answer your question first before you answer mine.”
“Well?” Kai prods.
“Well, to tell you the truth, I don’t think there’s anything strange about it. People behave and feel differently like that. Some can only love one person, some can have a larger space in their heart for multiple partners.” Soobin explains mildly. “In fact, studies show that polyamorous relationships function the same as any monogamous relationship. Both of them are equally healthy too! I mean, of course, only if the relationship itself and the people engaged in it are healthy too.”
Soobin starts to giggle at his rambling, and Kai has to restrain every cell in his body from jumping out of his seat to smother the other with affection.
It’s very Soobin-like of him to start getting too into any given topic, to the point he has to give statistics and actual studies. Must be the side effects of being a reputable doctor of psychology, but Kai can’t help thinking about how this side of his hyung is quite similar to his Taehyun.
They would get along well.
Or at least that’s what Kai hopes to be the outcome of things, but it’s not exactly the reality, now is it?
“You’re probably asking about my personal opinion though!” Soobin grins. “So here’s my take; I think it has a rather endearing flavor to it? If I ever get the chance to experience it, I absolutely wouldn’t mind at all.”
Kai’s cheeks turn a deeper shade of pink. Soobin doesn’t find it weird at all, rather, he seems intrigued about it. He knows his hyung as a generally agreeable person, always open to new things and other unconventional matters. Again, it can all just be traits he picked up from his profession, but Kai doesn’t care. What he cares about the most is his hyung’s judgment. Because if Soobin has shown the slightest bit of disdain towards his feelings, Kai’s world will shatter, and shatter he’ll let it. After all, what can be left of him if his hyung cannot understand him?
But Soobin is truly a great person. A guardian angel sent by heaven to ease Kai’s insecurities with soothing words of comfort and gentle touches so full of care and love.
Kai feels his heart throbbing in his throat as he speaks, “then…maybe….I can offer you that experience?”
Soobin’s eyes widen, his lips slightly parting in shock. There’s no mistaking that expression, Soobin has seen it all, he sees Kai’s excitement, feels Kai’s affection.
“Kai, are you…?” Soobin clears his throat before asking slowly, “do you…like me?”
Kai nods, once, but that’s enough affirmation for Soobin.
“Oh,” Soobin seals his mouth shut, and for a few seconds, a stifling silence blankets them. That’s when the doubts start to settle in. What if Soobin doesn’t feel the same? What if he has mistaken Soobin’s signals for something else different? The lingering stares, the subtle touches on his hand, arm, shoulder, the coy smiles coded with something far deeper than surface teasing — What if all those things are nothing else but plain friendly gestures?
What if Kai has completely ruined everything for them?
But then Soobin reaches for his hand, flashes him a small smile before giggling. That’s how Kai knows that his worries are completely pointless.
“First, stop thinking. I can hear your thoughts from here.” Soobin chides gently, rubbing circles on the back of Kai’s hand. “I don’t want you to misunderstand and think I’m just saying this because your confession is getting to me, or I don't know, something dumb like maybe I’m just saying it out of pity. So I’m putting that disclaimer now, alright?”
Red tints Soobin’s face. Red suits him well, Kai muses.
“Kai-yah, I like you too.” Soobin peeks at him shyly, and Kai nearly implodes. “For some time now actually. I just…Oh no, this makes me a failure in my profession, but…I’ve never actually confirmed whether you liked me back or not.”
Heart beating loudly in his ears, Kai can barely hear him. The only thing he can focus on is the shape of Soobin’s rosy lips while the words I like you too echo in his head again and again.
Soobin likes him back. Soobin, the person Kai’s loved and adored for years, like him.
Soobin likes him!
“I did notice you checking me out from time to time, but for someone as fine as me, that’s a regular occurrence, no?” Soobin laughs softly, voice trembling. He’s just as nervous as Kai, but here he is, still trying to lighten up the mood with his coyness normally muted by his demure front. God, Kai is so fond of him.
“Hyung, does that mean…?” That we can be together? Can I love you? Can you love me now?
Will you stay by my side forever?
He doesn’t need to finish his sentence, the gradual shift of Soobin’s bashful smile to a downcast frown tells Kai everything he wishes he could fix and mend.
“But, Kai.” Soobin pulls his hand away from him, and Kai aches. “I don’t know if Taehyun will agree to this.”
Shards of glass seep into Kai’s heart, making small cuts enough to leave him bleeding and writhing from pain. Taehyun, his lovely precious Taehyun, has never once shown an ounce of affection towards Soobin. It’s the contrary; Taehyun dislikes everything about Soobin, from the way he smiles to the very lavender scent of his perfume that lingers on Kai’s clothes every time he’s out with the older.
Taehyun hates even the mention of Soobin’s name. Kai feels foolish for thinking this will work his way.
It’s either Soobin or Taehyun, sneers a voice from his head, and Kai’s stomach sink. There’s no way he can choose between two of his most beloved people, the two people who stayed .
“Hyung…Maybe if we give him some time, he’ll warm up to it.” Kai says, each word that escapes his lips is another pleading of its own.
Soobin sighs softly and shakes his head.
“You’ve told me before, he has a history of being…too jealous, borderline possessive. I don’t think this kind of arrangement will work out with him.” Soobin lowers his head. “I’m sorry, Kai-yah.”
After apologizing, Soobin asks him if they can forget what occurred between them. Kai agrees, hiding his shattered heart behind a light smile.
Kai returns home at dusk, the dying colors of the sun shining down on his tear-stained face.
Soobin hasn’t left him, he’ll periodically remind himself every minute that passes. But the squeezing of his heart says otherwise. He still has Taehyun, Kai is already happy with his boyfriend, so why do his eyes glisten whenever he repeats Soobin’s confession and apology in his head?
Why does Kai splinter and break thinking of Soobin’s gentle touches he can never have?
When his boyfriend steps inside their house, coated in the smell of coffee and pastries, the first thing he does is tear another gash in Kai’s heart.
Taehyun drops the box of cake on the table, he’s not facing Kai but his fury is tangible in the air.
“You were with Soobin, weren’t you?”
“How did you know?” Kai laughs lightly, trying to shake off the nervousness in his system. His throat is still tight from crying, and the tear streaks on his cheeks haven’t been washed off yet. Kai can’t be having this argument now. They rarely fight anyway, but when they do, it involves Soobin and always escalates to a bigger conflict.
“I called you ten times, and you didn’t pick up once.” Twenty, no, twenty-five missed calls and fifty-eight messages to be exact, Kai bites back the urge to correct Taehyun. “I know you only ignore my calls whenever you’re out with your Soobin hyung.”
He’s not wrong, taunts the same voice that lives in his head. Kai shakes his head and takes hold of Taehyun’s wrist. “I didn’t mean to ignore you, I was just too engrossed with our conversation that-”
“That you forgot about your boyfriend?” For the first time that night, Taehyun looks him in the eyes. There’s resignation in his voice as he pries off Kai’s hand on him. “I’m tired. Let’s talk later.”
That’s the end of their conversation, and somehow it leaves Kai more devastated compared to other times they’ve fought before. They’ve been through many heated arguments, but it never ended with either one of them walking away.
None of their fights was unresolved.
Watching Taehyun’s retreating figure, the taste of guilt and shame resurfaced in Kai’s mouth. But for what reason should he feel those things? Is it so wrong to be true to his heart? He didn’t abandon Taehyun, and never will, even the thought of it twists his guts into a knot. Why is he the bad one when Kai simply yearns for those he loves?
On the contrary, won’t everything be fixed if Taehyun has listened to him? If only Taehyun sees the way Soobin’s eyes twinkle when he smiles. if only he can hear Soobin’s sweet giggles. If only he can bask in the comfort of Soobin’s embrace.
If only Taehyun likes Soobin the way Kai does, everything will be solved.
With his cheeks still wet from tears, Kai finds the antidote to his poison.
Mulish as it is, but there’s no way Kai is turning his back now. He’d rather be dead than give up Soobin or Taehyun.
A few days passed and Taehyun’s acting like nothing happened, or maybe the correct assumption is he’s too preoccupied to mind their recent quarrel. To be exact, he’s been distracted to give anything a thought.
Kai’s been handed a respite from worrying about the fight, in exchange, he’s burdened with a sense of foreboding as the dark circles under Taehyun’s usually bright eyes become more prominent.
Taehyun has been sleeping in their spare bedroom, he tends to withdraw away from people, including Kai, when something’s bothering him, and most of the time, the only thing that can bother Kang Taehyun is the silhouette of his past. In times like these, Kai wishes nothing but to interfere and pull his boyfriend into his arms, but Taehyun can be as obstinate as him. Reaching out to him brings more harm than good.
This time, however, Taehyun falters, allowing his solid front of stability to crumble, and clutches onto Kai with an iron grip.
Tonight, Taehyun sleeps soundly in Kai’s arms.
Yet, even that isn’t enough to unbind Taehyun from the horrors in his head.
“...hyung…”
Trembling, teeth clattering, and whimpering, Taehyun cries another man’s name in his sleep. Kai wakes up in an instant and starts shaking him awake from his nightmares.
“Taehyunie! Wake up, Hyunie!” Kai hears his heart beating in his ears, panic rising in him as Taehyun continues to wail without any sign of awakening. This isn’t the first time he has dealt with this, but the dizzying pulse of worry and fright will never be something Kai can get used to.
Before the panic overcomes him, Taehyun’s glassy eyes shot open, washing Kai over with relief. Still, the fear in the air will take more than a blow to disperse, and it’s evident in the way tears trails down Taehyun’s cheeks.
Kai pulls him in a bone-crushing hug, suffocating from the intensity of it all. Taehyun has always provided him comfort and security, but in times like this, Kai will be the one to shelter him.
“It’s alright, everything is alright. I’m here now, you’re safe with me,” he murmurs into Taehyun’s hair while rubbing circles on his back. Taehyun grabs onto his shoulder like his life depends on it, and perhaps it is, because if Kai isn’t there to anchor Taehyun, what will become of him?
As Taehyun sobs in the soft fabric of his shirt, Kai’s heart thumps wildly in his chest, no longer from worry, but from the giddiness that threatens to consume him whole.
There’s nothing else Taehyun owns but me, Taehyun won’t be able to leave me like this, purrs that same voice trapped in Kai’s head.
The thought should disturb him like it always has, instead, Kai fully embraces it this time. It’s alright if Taehyun can’t be fixed, that just means he has to stay with Kai, right? After all, it’s him who said it before. It’s Taehyun who smiled at Kai with tears in his eye, sighing, “You make me feel complete, Kai-yah.”
Taehyun has to stay with Kai to be complete, otherwise, all the shattered pieces of himself he’s desperately holding in his hands will fall and dissolve into thin air. If Taehyun can continue clinging to him like this, Kai will never be left alone again. Everything is perfect, and all that’ll be missing is Soobin’s arms around him.
It’s a sickening wish, and Kai’s stomach turns and twists from the guilt simmering in his guts. It’s not like he’s apathetic to the state of his boyfriend, far from that, but what else can he do when Taehyun has yet to unveil a single thing about his past to Kai? The only thing he's ever known about it is the cursed name that occasionally slips out of a Taehyun’s lips in his sleep or during throes of pleasure.
Taehyun has only cried in front of him, but he’s never said anything to Kai about it. How is he supposed to help him when he’s constantly left in the dark? So Kai does what he can do best, he wraps his arms around Taehyun, shields him from the whole world, and silently prays to nonexistent deities for a happier tomorrow with his beloved.
Kai can’t do anything.
Then it came to him — Kai can’t fix Taehyun, but Soobin can. If that’s the solution to his predicament, Kai knows exactly what to do.
The following morning, Taehyun returns to parading a mask of indifference, but Kai has seen enough. It’s time to break the ice.
“Hyunie?” He asks over a plate of pancakes and a cup of steaming hot coffee, all prepared by his boyfriend. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“It’s nothing. I just had a bad dream.” Taehyun echoes Kai’s expected answer. “Don’t worry about it-”
“It’s not nothing at all.” He cuts him off before more lies can come out of his mouth. “Your nightmares are increasing again, and you’ve been acting weird lately.”
“Weird…? How?” Taehyun stops playing with his food to stare up at him, genuine shock written on his face.
“You’re too jumpy these days. Do you think I won’t notice?” Kai asks softly. Aside from the recurring nightmares, Taehyun’s on high alert these past few days, always on his toes as if something or someone might jump out of the shadows and drag him into the darkness. It hurts Kai to think Taehyun might’ve assumed he’s too caught up with their recent fight to notice the changes in his behavior.
Taehyun casts his gaze downwards, a frown warping his pretty face. He dislikes seeing his boyfriend like this, but if this is the only thing that can help him, Kai has no options left. He has to push Taehyun until he snaps and takes a step forward.
Besides, this will also benefit Kai, won’t it?
He’s doing this for Taehyun, Soobin, and himself. There’s no turning back now.
“I understand if you’re not ready yet to tell me…but you need professional help, Taehyun.” He blurts out, unhesitant and firm in his resolve.
Taehyun sighs, running a hand through his hair. “Kai, we’ve already wasted so much time paraphrasing the exact words. My answer stays the same.”
Taehyun’s right, They’ve had this discussion several times before, and every time it yields the same outcome with Taehyun running away from his problems, leaving Kai helpless to do anything about it.
This time won’t be the same. He will make sure of that.
“It’s clearly hurting you, Hyunie!” Kai bellows, shocking both Taehyun and himself. Raising his voice in situations like these is uncommon for him, which explains the look of utter disbelief on his boyfriend’s face. If only Taehyun will listen to reason then he won’t have to resort to this — He won’t have to use Taehyun’s love for Kai against him.
“It hurts me too, seeing you suffering like this…” Kai mellows out, staring right into Taehyun’s wide brown eyes. “Can’t you do it for yourself, Taehyunie?...Or at least, for me?”
Taehyun flinches.
For me, because Taehyun has always prioritized Kai above anything else. He has always treated Kai like he’s the most priceless treasure to exist. Taehyun loves Kai more than he loves himself. It’s cruel to be using his vulnerability, Kai knows this well by now, but if everything turns out right, then there’ll be no room for worries or guilt in his heart, and he is confident it’ll work out. Taehyun loves him, and so does Soobin, it’ll all fall back into its rightful pieces, completing a picture of Kai and his most beloved people smiling brightly on his side.
Taehyun lowers his head, staring at his untouched food with a creased forehead.
“I…I’ll think about it.” And when he works the words out of him, Kai knows he’s right. Everything will turn out good, not perfect, but good enough to fit the three of them in a single frame.
Two days after that, Taehyun gives in, says he’ll listen to Kai’s suggestion for once and give it a try. Kai fights off the smile threatening to show on his face the whole conversation, reminding himself that it’s not the appropriate response to Taehyun finally going to therapy.
But he can’t help feeling giddy. So instead, he pulls his boyfriend into a hug, hiding a wide smile as he presses his head on Taehyun’s shoulder.
Kai’s the one who arranged Taehyun’s schedule, making sure his boyfriend doesn’t get a clue on who’ll be the one in charge of him. After all, if Taehyun finds out its Soobin before the first session, then everything will roll downhill, and Kai can’t afford that to happen,
Monday comes quickly, Taehyun places a soft kiss on Kai’s cheek, repeats the same script, “I’ll be home soon,” and leaves for his first schedule with a therapist.
Kai doesn’t miss the way his boyfriend shakes in his hold, but he reassures himself that if Soobin hyung is involved, there’ll be nothing to worry about.
But nothing goes exactly as planned.
Taehyun returns home late in the afternoon, face flushed from anger. Kai sees the way his clenched fists tremble and waits for the worst to come.
“Kai.” Taehyun seethes, hurt and betrayed. Kai wishes he can feel bad about it, instead, his disappointment outweighs his guilt. “What are you trying to do here?”
“Taehyunie?” Kai hugs the penguin plushie, Soobin’s present to him, closer to his body, like it can provide an escape route out of this situation.
You already have an escape plan prepared though , Kai clenches his jaw, determined to silence the nagging voices in his head. It only grows stronger, giggling at his denial, you can pick Soobin hyung over Taehyun, and that’ll be your perfect exit out of this mess.
“It was your hyung.” Taehyun says, looking him in the eyes, and for the first time since meeting his boyfriend, fear settled in Kai’s stomach at the dark scowl on the other’s face. “Your hyung is my therapist. Don’t try lying about not knowing anything about it. You knew, you knew all along, Hueningkai.”
Kai’s not expecting Taehyun to warm up to Soobin in an instant, but he also isn’t expecting his boyfriend to have such an intense reaction to it. The most Kai’s prepared himself for is a brief questioning from Taehyun and maybe at least a week of cold treatment. He’s not ready to face Taehyun’s scalding fury.
“Hyunie…” Kai starts, hoping he doesn’t sound as nervous as he is. “Listen to me first, okay? You may not like him personally, but I swear Soobin hyung is a great therapist! I know that if there’s someone who can help you best, then it’ll be hyung. Please don’t be upset about this…Give him a chance, Taehyunie.”
Give yourself a chance to heal.
And most importantly, give the three of us a chance to be happy.
Taehyun tears his eyes off him and took quick steps in the direction of their spare bedroom. Kai’s not given another chance to speak before he hears the resounding sound of a door slamming close.
Kai doesn’t bother him for a few days, and Taehyun does the same by locking himself in the bedroom or coming home late from work. He hasn’t been able to get in touch with Soobin either, due to the older being busy most of the time.
As the clock ticks by, Kai starts losing hope. This feels like the end of everything for him. Not only did he lose his chance of a future with Soobin, but he’s also slowly ruining his present with Taehyun.
Taehyun has always promised to remain by his side until the end of times, but aren’t promises always meant to be broken?
Kai will be left alone again…
Fear grips his heart at the mere thought, leaving him turning and tossing in his bed remembering all the people who have vanished from his life, abandoning him forever.
He sees the distraught expression on his older sister’s face, tears running down her cheeks as she laughs at the betrayal of her fiance.
It’s the last time he has seen her. The sole thing she left behind is a crumpled piece of paper, the words, “don’t pretend to care enough to look for me” written on it, etched in Kai’s mind for the rest of his life.
His sister left them before they can abandon her. And Kai’s afraid he’ll have to face the same situation someday.
Then Saturday arrives, and Taehyun comes to rescue Kai’s heart before it sinks to the bottom of the ocean.
It’s his boyfriend’s weekend off days from his work in the cafe, and Kai’s supposed to talk it out with Taehyun today. He figures nothing will change if neither of them does something about it. So Kai gathers all his courage and sneaks up to Taehyun cooking in the kitchen and wraps his arms around his torso.
He’s expecting to be pushed away, to have Taehyun bristling at him. What Kai receives is a gentle hand squeezing his arm. Taehyun untangles himself from his hold and turns back to face him.
Taehyun is smiling. Kai gasps.
He’s smiling. Why is he smiling? Isn’t he angry at him?
The questions in his head die down as soon as his boyfriend presses their lips together in a chaste kiss. Taehyun pulls away first and giggles at him.
“Behave, I’m still cooking.”
Kai forces a smile and steals another kiss. “Sorry, sorry! I’ll go now.”
Kai does as he says and eventually leaves Taehyun to cook in peace. He should be happy his boyfriend isn’t mad at him anymore, but why does it unsettle him? Kai can’t put a name to what he’s feeling, he’s sure it’s nothing positive.
It doesn’t make sense. None of it is making sense. Has Taehyun forgiven him already?
It seems like all his questions will remain unanswered, because as they eat their breakfast, Taehyun keeps acting like nothing is wrong. Kai smiles and giggles, following his boyfriend's lead.
Maybe this is Taehyun’s way of mending the fissure between them then so be it. As long as Taehyun is by his side, Kai will be fine.
Absolutely no proper conversation is held after their meal together. Once Kai’s done washing the dishes and just as he enters their shared bedroom, Taehyun instantly jumps him. Kissing turns into a heated make-out session and making out quickly escalates to something more carnal.
Kai hears his name on Taehyun’s lips, uttered like a solemn prayer. It’s enough to fool himself that everything is fine.
In the late afternoon, Taehyun emerges from the bathroom, wearing outdoor clothing.
“Where are you going?” Kai asks in confusion. He never mentioned anything about him going out earlier.
Taehyun turns to grin at him and says, “therapy.”
Kai freezes, unable to process the word. It’s not making any sense at all, why will he do that if he’s been entirely disagreeable about it this whole time? What prompts him to change his mind?
Then Taehyun speaks again, silencing all questions in his head.
“It’s what you want, right?” Taehyun says, light and saccharine it’s nearly sickening.
As always Taehyun is prioritizing Kai’s wants and needs before his own, and as always Kai relishes the undivided devotion, filling the cracks of his heart with the color of love.
Yet this time, seeing Taehyun walk out of their home, fills him with nothing but chilling dread.
Later on that day, Kai realizes that Taehyun left without kissing him and promising him no farewells.
Anxiety creeps into his veins, and Kai’s only remedy for it is the many plushies Taehyun has gifted him, organized neatly on the other side of the room. It’s a reminder of Taehyun’s love, Taehyun’s presence.
Kai is no abecedarian of love, at least not with Taehyun. They’ve been through so much already, why won’t he trust Taehyun with this again? Maybe it’s just Kai and his insecurities planting seeds of fear and doubts in his heart. After all, when it comes to the nuances of abandonment, Kai has seen it all, and he’s deathly afraid the same thing is happening to him again.
But Taehyun won’t do that. Because he has no one else but Kai. If he leaves him all alone, who else can he go to?
Somewhere in the depths of his soul where the light can’t reach, Kai laughs.
Taehyun is just as isolated as him, but at least if he’s with Kai, he’ll come crashing down the ocean with someone.
Love comes with both warmth and happiness, and even if they can’t keep their smiles on all days of the week, Kai can douse Taehyun with his warmth, just so he can stay.
When Taehyun returns home that night, phantom tears on his cheeks and eyes cast downwards, Kai doesn’t question anything and envelopes him in his arms.
They talked after that, nothing too detailed about the therapy itself, but Taehyun admits Soobin’s a decent therapist.
“I still don’t like him as your friend though,” Taehyun sniffles, lying on the bed with Kai, head tucked in the nook of his neck.
Kai giggles at him. He doesn’t mind it, It’s a step forward. Perhaps, he’s reading everything wrong, Taehyun may be taking the initiative for betterment, not just to please Kai, but to give himself his peace of mind.
Perhaps everything is leading up to Kai’s ideal future.
In the following weeks, Taehyun carries on with his therapy. His complaints about Soobin are still ceaseless. It has become a staple for him to run his mouth about his therapist’s small annoying habits after a session. Kai always tolerates it with a smile, taking note how Taehyun’s hisses of ‘I can’t stand him. We’ll never get along’ has gradually turned into gripes about ‘I really don’t like how he smells. Can’t you ask him to change perfume or something?’
As time passes, Kai starts telling Taehyun stories about Soobin; little details about him that shows snippets of his compassionate nature and benevolent soul. Surprisingly, Taehyun doesn’t change the topic or shuts him up with a glare. He’ll always listen attentively, and Kai can’t help himself from getting overwhelmed with glee at the subtle changes in his boyfriend’s demeanor towards his Soobin hyung.
Soobin is all they talk about now. During breakfast, it’s a retelling of Soobin’s horrendous experience with baking. In the lazy afternoon, it’s stories of Soobin arranging small charity events for orphans. And in the middle of a boring movie, it’s accounts of Soobin’s mothering side showing while he’s taking care of a bedridden Kai.
Soobin hyung, Soobin hyung, Soobin hyung.
‘Soobin hyung owns a hedgehog?” Taehyun asks, and Kai giggles. Taehyun has never addressed him as hyung before.
“Yes! His name is Odi. I have a picture of him, do you wanna see it?”
Taehyun doesn’t hesitate to agree.
Two months after Taehyun’s first therapy session with Soobin, Kai gets the chance to speak with the latter through a brief phone call. Despite Soobin’s packed schedule, he’ll always make time for him. Kai’s heart swells with fondness.
The conversation is light; all they’ve been doing is catching up on each other’s current affairs. But Kai expects a shift of tone soon, and once Taehyun’s name slipped out of his own lips, he knows he’ll have to talk about it.
“Taehyun…” Soobin trails off, a note of sadness in his tone, “he’s a troubled soul, I feel bad for him…Even if I can’t fully help him, I just hope I can take off some of his burdens.”
The first time Kai brings up Taehyun’s decision of seeking therapy, Soobin is beyond delighted to hear the news. He’s even more engrossed with the idea of being Taehyun’s therapist, promising he’ll do his very best to help Kai’s boyfriend. Soobin has always been sympathetic towards Taehyun, so hearing his words doesn’t surprise Kai.
Soobin’s compassion doesn’t surprise him anymore, because it’s something so inherently Soobin. It’s a word Kai will always think of next to Soobin’s name.
“You’re so kind, Soobin hyung.” Kai sighs, enamored. “This is why I like you so much.”
The words already left his mouth when he realizes his mistake. Kai’s reminded of it again by Soobin’s sharp gasp.
“T-thank you, but we should really…move on from that conversation. Especially now that I’m helping Taehyunie, I have more reason not to do that to him.” Conversation, Soobin is treating it as casual talk now. Kai’s heart sours. He knows exactly what Soobin means, but is it really necessary for them to act like they don’t have each other’s hearts?
Do they have to forget about each other’s feelings for the sake of Taehyun?
It’s okay, Kai assures himself, everything will align soon.
“How is it anyway?” Kai changes the subject, refusing to swallow needles “Did he warm up to you now?”
Soobin doesn’t comment about it and answers, “I guess you could say that. He’s less likely to kill me in my sleep now, that’s for sure.”
Kai bursts into laughter, before quickly covering his mouth, scared Taehyun might overhear him from the bathroom.
He hears a soft chuckle from the other line. Soobin speaks again, playful and teasing, “why are you so interested? This is confidential information, you know! If I don’t know any better, I might think you’re purposely doing this to get me and Taehyun on better terms so you can have both of us.”
All traces of mirth disappears from Kai’s body and the smile freezes on his face. There’s no way Soobin has caught onto it because if he did, he’ll be calling him out for his unbecoming schemes, won’t he?
Kai doesn’t allow the silence to stretch and covers the loud beating of his heart with another laugh.
“That’s wicked, hyung!” He scoffs. “I like you, sure, but I won’t do anything like that!”
Wicked, Kai says.
Wicked, Kai thinks that’s what he is.
But he’ll realize the weight of the word and he’ll shake his head with a chuckle, whispering to himself, no worries, it may be vile, but if it’s for the better good then it’s fine.
Trust the process, Kai will giggle.
It’s fine. Kai isn’t wicked. He’s just helping Taehyun, he just wants the best for his boyfriend. He just wants the best for Soobin too! And what’s best for them, is the best for Kai.
People will say what he’s doing is wrong, Kai begs to differ. He admits, it’s not conventional, but if it works out and he believes it will , then there’s nothing bad about it, nothing evil, nothing wicked.
Kai is far from being evil.
Liar , Kai snarls at himself, holding Taehyun close to him in their bed, crushing him in his grip, pulling him flush against him until they’re inseparable, until the crowd of monsters living in his disappears.
Yet no matter how much he loves Taehyun, no matter how many times he makes him scream his name, the jeering voices ringing in his ears never leave.
Wicked, they sing in chorus, and Kai has no more fight left in him to deny it.
And the second everything shifts, Kai learns to accept that he’s more than wicked.
It starts with Taehyun frequenting Soobin’s clinic more than usual. From two sessions a week, now he’s there almost every other day. After his shift ends in the cafe, he’ll drop by Soobin’s clinic before going home. During weekends, he’ll visit Soobin on the pretense of going out for a jog, an excuse so trite Taehyun may as well expose himself already. Kai knows because Soobin tells him everything.
Soobin tells him everything and nothing at the same time.
Soobin will tell him about Taehyun’s substantial progress with his therapy, but he won’t say a thing about the scent of lavender clinging to Taehyun’s clothes every time he comes home from a therapy session. The scent he used to hate lingers so strongly on his body now, Kai finds it ironic.
Taehyun is no master of secrecy. He doesn’t tell Kai anything, no details about his therapy session, no reasons for the purples and reds blooming on his skin that Kai replaces with his own marks of passion every time they make love.
Taehyun says nothing but shows everything.
Taehyun speaks about nothing else but the name of his therapist. He still complains about Soobin, but It’s been tinted with a shade of fondness. Kai pretends to be ignorant of the sparkling stars in his boyfriend’s eyes when he’s talking about Soobin.
Kai also pretends to be blind to the hundreds upon hundreds of Soobin’s pictures stored in Taehyun’s phone. Kai hides his disgust with a veil of sunlit smiles.
Kai knows everything. It’s the best possible outcome he’s been seeking for. Two of his most beloved person tied with the string of love, and it’ll only take a little time until the three of them can be together.
But that’s the problem here, isn’t it? How come Kai isn’t with them yet?
Why is he being left behind again?
Taehyun and Soobin, they’ve been fucking behind his back. Kai has no idea when it started, or how a simple therapy session can escalate to intimacy. He doesn’t care, trivial details don’t interest him. It’s what he wanted in the first place. It doesn’t matter to him that in the mind of Taehyun, he’s committing something vile. Taehyun may think he’s cheating on Kai, but he isn’t. Not when Kai’s the one who manipulated all the strings backstage.
Kai can’t care any less, he only has his eyes set on the results.
In hindsight, perhaps he should’ve given more thought to Taehyun’s actions. If he isn’t so damn impatient, he would’ve avoided his downfall.
Kai can’t understand why they’ve never mentioned a thing about it. Soobin loves him, and Soobin knows he loves him too, so why isn’t anything happening?
They’re not ready to tell me yet. Maybe they’re scared. Maybe they don’t love each other the way I love them. Kai comes up with his own justification in the absence of Taehyun and Soobin’s reasons.
Everything will be fine. Kai can wait for them.
It’s the same lies he whispers to himself when he’s in front of Taehyun, looking besotted with so much fondness overflowing in his eyes it frightens Kai.
Taehyun has never gazed at him that way, and in the back of Kai’s head, he knows Taehyun never will.
“Soobin hyung is amazing. He helps me a lot…I really enjoy his company.” Taehyun smiles shyly, fingers playing with the sleeve of Soobin’s coat, Soobin’s coat that barely hides the garden of red and purple on Taehyun’s neck, marks that don’t belong to Kai.
“You’re right Kai. He’s a wonderful person.” Kai’s boyfriend says softly, looking up at him with bright glassy eyes. He gazes at him with so much love it burns.
But Taehyun’s love for him never burns, therefore, the love in his eyes doesn’t belong to Kai.
Taehyun doesn’t belong to him anymore, but what about Soobin?
Who does Soobin belong to?
“I told you,” Kai fakes a giggle, eyes flickering to the marks of love and passion on Taehyun’s golden skin. It’s like he’s not hiding it anymore. Taehyun is proud to wear Soobin’s brand of affection, and Kai itches to scratch it off his body.
Everything will be fine , he repeats the line over and over in his head, They love me, and I love them, they’ll never leave me alone.
And for a while, Kai believes his own lie. Kissing the lips that have touched Soobin’s skin, Kai casts an illusion spell on himself.
Even if Taehyun sees a different person above him, cries out another man’s name, wishes for the touch of someone who isn’t his lover, Kai will endure it because Taehyun may not love him anymore, but he needs him. Kai is the moiety of Taehyun’s bleeding heart. Kai is the light of his life, the only torch keeping him from straying off the path. Kai completes Taehyun, so he won’t leave him, will never afford to lose him.
“...hyung.” Taehyun writhes under him, looking the prettiest with tears rolling down his red cheeks. He’s ruined, but not for Kai.
“...bin hyung,” he gasps out, and Kai smiles. It’s not like this part has changed that much anyway. Taehyun still whispers a name that isn’t his. Before it was a mantra of beomgyu hyung, beomie, gyu hyungie, a senseless pleading for a faceless person Kai has never seen before. Now, it’s a string of soobin, soobin hyung, soobinie. At least this time Kai knows exactly who Taehyun is calling for.
It should not matter to him, yet something in him can’t stay put, rising and flaring, something close to rage, jealousy, envy, hatred.
“Look at me, Taehyunie.” Kai grabs Taehyun’s chin. He doesn’t know what Taehyun sees, but it’s enough to clear the fog in his head. “Who’s in front of you right now?”
Kai thrusts into his heat, making sure every contour of himself will be ingrained in Taehyun’s body.
“K-Kai!” Taehyun sobs, and for now it’s enough to contain the fire beneath Kai’s skin.
But cheap illusions are broken easily. Kai may be wicked, but he’s not much of a witch, he can only brainwash himself for so long that his boyfriend hasn’t deserted him yet until the thin thread they’re standing on snaps and leads them both to damnation.
He has waited enough, has listened to the same lies he feeds himself every morning. Kai has seen enough of his sister sneering at him in the mirror, repeating a warning she left for him many years ago.
“We’re the same. Kai-yah,” the mirror purrs, “fated to be alone.”
Twelve years before and his sister disappeared without a trace, twelve years later he’s suffering the curse his sister left behind for him to tend to and nurture.
Soobin and Taehyun never tell him anything now, so Kai will just have to find out himself.
Saturday morning, Kai decides to follow Taehyun to Soobin’s clinic. The sun is too bright that day, Kai feels the heat seeping into his veins, burning his insides, incinerating all his senses and leaving his body an empty shell containing a forest fire.
Yet the Sun’s heat can never compete against the scene Kai walks into.
It’s Soobin and Taehyun entangled in a passionate kiss inside the older’s office. Taehyun is perched on top of Soobin’s desk, arms wrapped around his shoulders with his legs spread wide, bracketing Soobin.
So lewd and scandalous, Kai already expected this when the female receptionist attempted to stop him from entering earlier. He knows what’s coming for him, doesn’t mean it hurts any less though.
But why does it hurt this bad? This is what he wanted, this is the result of his hard work, the fruit he’d planted and wanted. It’s the culmination of everything he has planned the moment he persuaded Taehyun into getting therapy. It’s what he wanted.
No, it’s not, the voice in his head hisses, I never wanted to be left out.
Soobin and Taehyun don’t pull away, too immersed in devouring each other’s faces to notice Kai’s presence.
The fruit Kai has painstakingly nurtured tastes bitter in his mouth; bitter like ash.
“Is this a part of Taehyun’s therapy too?”
Taehyun is the first one to put a distance between him and Soobin, putting a hand on the other’s chest, and gently pushing him away before getting off the desk. He’s also the first one to speak, “Kai? What are you doing here?”
Soobin detaches himself from Taehyun. He looks just as surprised as Taehyun.
Kai searches for guilt in their eyes. He can’t find any.
“Why am I not invited?” Kai pouts, pretending his heart hasn’t been sliced into two yet, one for Taehyun, another for Soobin. He’s always been good at pretending anyway.
Silence is the only answer Kai receives. He tries again, “How long have you been together?”
None of them says anything, just like usual, they don’t tell him anything anymore. But their silence always had meaning, Kai is just stupid for believing his own made-up happily ever after. And even now, he’s still stupid for thinking, hoping, that there’s an explanation behind everything. Whatever bullshit excuse it is, Kai will swallow it and forgive them, as long as they’ll take him, as long as they’ll stay.
“Were you really planning to keep this a secret from me, Soobin hyung?” Kai turns to Soobin. His precious, kind and lovely hyung, the very same man who told him just months ago that he loves him, Soobin knows what he wants, Soobin knows.
And it seems like Soobin knows everything too. Kai is the only one left clueless and stumbling in the dark.
“I’m sorry, Kai…” Soobin sighs, reaching for Taehyun’s hand. Kai wants to rip them apart.
“Why are you apologizing again?” Kai smiles, so fake it’s painful. “If it’s already like this, then why don’t we just give it a chance? Just like what I proposed to you before, hyung.”
“Me, Taehyunie, and Soobin hyung.” He takes a step closer, begging, please take me, please love me, don’t leave me. “Together, loving each other.”
“I don’t love you, Kai-yah…” Soobin says, and Kai wishes he never opened his mouth. “I liked you, but that’s the extent of it.”
Kai feels like he just swallowed a thousand needles, and now it’s stuck in his throat, bleeding him dry. He’s dying and Taehyun is just about to close the lid of his coffin.
“I want Soobin hyung all for myself,” Taehyun says with conviction and little to no hesitation. Kai sees him squeezing Soobin’s hand. It’s absurd, beyond unbelievable, it’s almost funny. Isn’t that the man you used to hate?
Back then, Taehyun will do everything in his power to split Soobin and Kai apart to keep Kai all to himself. He’s still doing the same thing, except he no longer wants Kai. He has moved on to the next thing better than Kai.
Taehyun loves with a sprinkle of obsession, and as much as Kai enjoys the full attention, he has always found it disturbing. Kai’s on the receiving end of it before. Now, he’s only at the receiving end of Taehyun’s blade.
Kai should’ve seen the photos of Soobin taking up Taehyun’s phone storage as a warning.
“What are you saying, Taehyun-ah?” Kai asks, voice trembling.
“You set this all up.” Kai watches the anger take form on Taehyun’s face and realizes without much surprise, that he’s seen through him since the very beginning. “I’m damaged, not braindead, Kai.”
“You wanted everything for yourself, so even if it means breaking my trust, you’ll gladly do it. You’re so fucking greedy.” Taehyun speaks with searing fury. Kai has never seen him this livid. Some part of him accepts this as his retribution, but the greater part of him screams in indignation. It’s unfair, they say. You should’ve just done what I asked you to do. How could you betray me like this, they cry.
And as always, Kai lets his wicked part take over.
“You’re calling me greedy. Then, what does that make you?” He laughs, sharp and shrill. It hurts his own ears to hear.
Taehyun is the greedy one, Kai has given him everything, yet he still wants to take and take. He wants everything to be his until Kai’s left with nothing but scraps. Selfish, he’s so ridiculously selfish Kai has to wonder why he has never seen it before.
The person in front of Kai isn’t his sweet and caring boyfriend who’ll always greet him in the morning with a dimpled smile and a small peck on the lips. It’s not the Taehyun humming along to the music he produces, leaning on his shoulder with the softest look on his pretty face. It’s not the Taehyun Kai has grown to love.
No, the person in front of him is a faceless figure, someone who has abandoned Kai, someone who no longer matters.
Taehyun is gone.
And Soobin? Soobin stays the same, but he’s so out of reach. Kai can’t hold onto him, not when his hand is tightly enclosed in Taehyun’s grip.
“That’s enough.” Soobin sighs. “We’re not having this conversation right now. You two need to cool down.”
Kai smiles. Of course, it’s his Soobin hyung who can take control of the situation, or if it’s even called that, because in Kai’s eyes, Soobin is just fleeing.
Running away from me? Kai doesn’t think so. His hyung said so earlier, he may not love him but he still likes him. That’s good enough for Kai. If he can have Soobin, he can just teach him how to love him.
That’s if Soobin will still have him.
“What about you, hyung?” Kai asks, desperately clutching onto the scattered pieces of his heart, dyed red from blood and black from wrath. “What do you want?’
“Who do you want?”
Kai doesn’t hope, doesn’t dream, he already knew back then that Soobin’s silence answers all his questions, and even now it’s the same. Soobin faces him with tightly shut lips, eyes so distant Kai can’t recognize them.
Soobin made a choice long ago. Kai is just prolonging his death by digging the knife slowly into his chest.
Now, the blade is lodged all the way in and Kai’s heart stops.
“...I see.” He nods, smiles and laughs. He doesn’t say anything else as he steps out of the room.
Walking home to Kai and Taehyun’s apartment, his sight becomes obscured by tears. It hurts like a bitch, both of the people he loves entirely with his heart don’t want him anymore. It would have been better if they lied instead, said I love you to Kai with no warmth in their eyes. Kai will welcome it with open arms, Kai will accept anything as long as he’s not left alone. Instead, they pushed him down the cliff, no remorse, no affection.
His sister is right, he’s meant to be alone. No matter how much he holds onto them, people will always push him away and leave. It’s the same thing with his parents, his friends, and his older sister.
What’s he supposed to do then? Should he just leave everything behind like how he’s been abandoned by all those he loved and hated?
When his sister went missing, his family arranged a search party for her, but it only took two weeks for them to get exhausted putting up a facade of a loving family. After that, all efforts of finding her sister were halted, and they never mentioned her name during family dinners ever again.
If Kai disappears, he wonders how long will it take for them to pretend to care until they get tired of it and forget him like his sister.
But Kai knows what he wants, and he’s sure that he doesn’t want to leave yet. Even if the whole world has forsaken him, Kai will still foolishly cling to hopes of finding his own happy ending with someone he loves and loves him in return.
Besides, Soobin hasn’t fully left him yet, right?
Taehyun stole Soobin from him and left him, but his precious, lovely Soobin hyung has yet to disappear from his vision.
Soobin still likes him. He may have chosen Taehyun for now, but who knows how long will it last? Taehyun’s love for Kai is as fragile as fine china, so how much more breakable is his affection for Soobin?
Soobin will realize it too, that Kang Taehyun’s love is a cheap label for his obsession, and once he does, he’ll come crawling back to Kai.
For a while, Kai stays locked up in the house, Taehyun never returns home as expected.
The plushie his boyfriend has given him is already stored in a box, out of his sight. Kai is certain, Taehyun will also be out of his sight soon.
Next Monday, Kai wakes up to Taehyun packing his things.
“Where are you going?” He asks, already knowing the answer.
Taehyun doesn’t speak, doesn’t even glance at him, but the words are written in his cold, hard eyes. Somewhere far away from you, somewhere far away with Soobin hyung.
Taehyun has never been so cold to him, Kai feels himself burn with rage.
He corners Taehyun, takes hold of his wrist and seethes . “You took Soobin hyung away from me, and now you’re leaving?”
Taehyun winces from the pain. “It’s what you wanted.”
Something in him falls and shatters, and before he can process it, Kai is exploding.
“I wanted you! I wanted you and hyung!” He shouts, god, his throat burns, his eyes burn, everything burns and it’s fucking painful. Kai is suffocating, he’s dying again and Taehyun is at fault.
“That’s never going to work, Kai-yah.” Taehyun laughs, shaking his head. He sounds so calm despite Kai’s bruising hold on him. It sets off another bomb inside Kai, because how dare he? How dare you be this uncaring to me when you made me like this?
“Why? Why not? You love me, I love you, and we love hyung! Why can’t it work?”
That’s right, he loves Soobin, he loves Taehyun, so why won’t they love him back? What else do they want? Kai has given his heart to them, has ripped it out of his own body, blood and gore all over him, then why can’t he own their hearts in exchange of his own? It’s only fair.
Kai loves Taehyun so much, he completes Taehyun’s half, has put bandages around his wounded heart, Kai has done so much for him, why is it still not enough?
“Because you’re a liar,” Taehyun answers. “You never loved me.”
Kai gasps, grabs Taehyun’s shoulders and slams him against the wall. Taehyun groans from the impact, but Kai doesn’t care. He doesn’t love Taehyun? Bullshit, they both know that’s a huge fucking lie. Taehyun is the liar, he’s the selfish one, so greedy for love and affection he used to beg for it all the time, and Kai will give it to him because he loves him.
Even if Taehyun whispers the name of the man who tore his heart into shreds, engraved scars on his body and mind, haunted him in his wake and sleep, Kai still embraces him whole, promising a future of happiness into his ears.
Kai doesn’t mind if Taehyun is broken, he loves him, wants him, needs him.
“You’re accusing me of that now? When you’re the one who’s been using me as a replacement remedy for your scars?” He screams, slamming Taehyun against the wall with every word he cries. “You never loved me!”
Taehyun is crying now. Good, Kai thinks. He deserves it for being wicked.
Then Taehyun finds the strength in him to push him away, and Kai stumbles backward.
“What about you?” Taehyun’s voice is hoarse, his cheeks wet with tears. He looks ruined. “Did you ever think of me as anything else other than a broken doll you can mend and own? Aren’t I just a temporary replacement for Soobin hyung too?”
And Kai freezes, the fire emerging within him extinguished by a chilling downpour.
He’s saying the truth , the voice whispers, accusatory, you didn’t love him like you love Soobin.
Maybe the first time he met Taehyun, Kai has seen him as a tool. Maybe when Taehyun confesses his love to him and asks him to be his boyfriend, Kai has agreed with the intention to spite Soobin for dating someone who isn’t him. Maybe Taehyun is right that they’ve never loved each other before.
But Kai recalls how his heart stutters, feeling like it’s about to jump out of his body whenever he sees Taehyun giggling so adorably at the silly things he says. Kai remembers how much he loves the feeling of Taehyun’s smaller hand in his own, unable to part even when they’re lying together in their bed.
Taehyun is wrong. Kai can’t love him as much as he loves Soobin, but he still owns a part of his heart.
“We were just using each other all along, Huening-ah.” Taehyun takes his silence as confirmation and nods. He steps out of the room and doesn’t say goodbye to Kai.
Kai only notices the blood under the nails of the hand he held Taehyun’s wrist with once the other left the house.
After that, Taehyun and Soobin disappear completely. Days turn into weeks, and weeks pass into a month.
Kai has been left behind for a month now. The first few days, he tries his best to ignore the pain, continues on with his life like usual; he writes music without his muse. Kai convinces himself that everything is fine, everything will be fine. Once Soobin sees Taehyun’s true nature, he’ll pick Kai over him.
But the pain of being abandoned is always present, clawing at his heart and making a bloody mess out of him. Two weeks in and Kai can’t bear to produce any music, he can’t stomach eating, can’t fall asleep without nightmares terrorizing him. Two weeks after Taehyun took Soobin away from him and Kai grows restless.
Then the desperation sets in. He tries contacting them, calling Taehyun’s phone, and sending hundreds of messages to Soobin. He receives no reply.
Soon the pain melts into rage. The thorns around his heart disintegrate as fire spreads across his body, painting him anew.
They’re gone for real now. Kai tells himself, watching the dying embers in silence, erasing every trace of Taehyun's presence in a pit of flames.
It’s already a month now. Kai’s already numb from the pain. All he can taste now is the revolting bitterness brought about by Taehyun’s betrayal.
Taehyun has taken everything away from him; his heart, his happiness, his life. No one will blame Kai for taking back what was originally his.
The universe seems to be on his side for once. They sent him a blessing in the form of an odd text message from an unknown number. Containing it is a line of address, one picture of the house and a short note.
Choi Soobin and Kang Taehyun are hiding here. You can enter the house with the key I’ve sent you.
Just as the message promises, one tiny package is already outside the door of the apartment.
It’s as if the universe has confirmed that Kai’s love is right after all. It’s a confirmation from the gods that his ending hasn’t been decided yet. His happy ending hasn’t vanished yet.
He forgets that he never believed in deities before.
Kai doesn’t question the message or the person who sent it. He cares not for their intentions. And perhaps, he should’ve, but he’s been gifted an opportunity to rewrite everything, and Kai won’t let it slip away.
It’s what heartbreak and betrayal do to a man, it rids him of any rationale, the only thing pushing him forward is the hatred running in his veins.
Taehyun’s love doesn’t burn him, because Taehyun does not know of love, he only knows obsession, possession, and lust.
Taehyun’s love doesn’t burn, but his betrayal scorches, it’s the cause of the forest fire in Kai’s soul, body and mind, blazing wildly, turning everything in its way into ashes.
Kai should turn Taehyun into ashes.
Upon reaching the place, Kai can’t almost believe how close they are to him. It only takes him one train ride before he’s in front of the house shown in the picture.
Kai enters the place easily with the key the message sender provided him with. It surprises him how convenient everything has been going, and it’s just about to send warning signals in his head.
Then he sees familiar pairs of shoes in the doorway, and Kai knows he’s in the right place.
He’s clueless about what the person who sent him the message and key can get out of this. Kai can only assume that they have a grudge against Taehyun too.
It doesn’t matter anyway. And Kai is quick to forget all the erratic thoughts running in his head when he spots a familiar figure in the hallway of the foyer.
Soobin stands as still as a statue, pallid and horrified.
“Kai? Why are you here?”
Kai frowns, he hates that expression on his hyung’s face. Is he that scared to see him again? Does he not miss him one bit?
He presses his face back into a smile and says, “Hyung, can we talk?”
Soobin refuses to look at him and answers sharply. “you need to answer my question first. How did you find this place?”
“Hyung is that really important?” Kai feels his smile falter, but he forces it on. He needs to look approachable, he needs to be the warmhearted gentle Kai Soobin loves to dote on. “You used to be overjoyed whenever you see me. Why are you acting like this?”
“You should go now, Kai.” Soobin’s voice is soft when he speaks, and Kai hates everything about it. It’s the same voice he assures Kai with, I’ll never leave you, I’ll always be your Soobin hyung, Kai-yah, he has promised so many times before.
And now Soobin’s using that voice to drive him away.
It’s because of Taehyun, it’s all Taehyun’s doing. Soobin doesn’t want him here, but Kai knows better that he doesn’t mean those. He’s only telling him to leave because Taehyun has brainwashed him. Taehyun controls Soobin now, and Kai will do everything to save his hyung.
He won’t let Soobin die from Taehyun’s love like he did.
So Kai doesn’t allow his hyung to speak again. He closes the distance between them, and before Soobin sees what’s coming for him, Kai hits him right on the jaw.
Before he falls to the ground, Kai catches him in his arms and pulls his unconscious body close to him. He earns no delight from hurting Soobin, but he’s doing this to help him. Once everything is over, Soobin will forgive him, kiss him on the lips and tell him how he’s right all along.
For now, Soobin needs to be hidden away from Taehyun. Kai carries him to one of the bedrooms in the house, and places him down gently on the bed. He takes careful time wrapping a piece of cloth around his wrists, and covering his eyes with another one. Kai’s prepared for this, nothing can go wrong now.
Soobin won’t be able to wake up for some time, Kai can reach an agreement with Taehyun before he does.
With all the commotion Kai has caused, it’ll be impossible for Taehyun to miss it if he’s in the house. So, he’s outside then. It’s fine, Kai can wait for him.
While waiting for Taehyun to return, Kai receives another message from the person who helped him.
Another address, a place not too far away from here. Kai can reach it by just taking a few steps.
Under the address it reads;
Bring Taehyun here once you’re done with him. I know you’re not the type of person to kill him, so please, deliver him safely here. That’s all I’m asking from you.
Kai begins to suspect that it’s the specter from Taehyun’s past, his dearly beloved Beomgyu hyung. If it is then that’s better, Taehyun still has a shot of reaching his happy ending too.
Not too much time passes and Kai hears the sound of a door opening. He pushes Soobin’s hair away from his face, plants a small kiss on his forehead for good luck before he leaves the room.
“Soobin hyung, I’m home!” Taehyun calls out cheerfully, and Kai greets him back with the same gusto and energy.
“Welcome home, Taehyunie.”
Taehyun halts on his steps and stares at him with open shock, which quickly shifts to apprehension.
“How did you find us? Who let you in?” Taehyun asks the same questions Soobin did, and just like last time, Kai dodges every single one of them.
“Did you miss me, Taehyunie?” Kai walks closer to him. Taehyun doesn't move an inch, stubborn as always. “Because I did. I missed you lots.”
But not as much as he years for Soobin.
The blaze in Taehyun’s eyes reflects the wildfire raging in Kai’s heart. They match each other like this so well, Kai thinks, almost fond of it.
“Get the fuck out of here before I call the police,” Taehyun warns, unaware that his fate is sealed the moment he steps into the house.
“Hyunie, can we talk, please?” Kai takes another step. He lowers his eyes and says, “the three of us can still be together. I’ll forgive you, I’ll forgive hyung. It’s okay if you don’t love me anymore, but we can still share hyungie, right? We can still be happy together, just give us a chance, Hyunie.”
Kai is lying again. He already knows what Taehyun’s answer will be, and the outcome is clear. What he has given him is an ultimatum, one which Taehyun is sure to refuse.
“Soobin hyung is mine. You can’t have him, Kai. You’ll never have him.” Taehyun spits, so unloving of the man he used to call his better half, god, Kai wishes to see him fall.
Taehyun doesn’t want him, then Kai doesn’t need him either.
“You’re so cruel, Taehyun.” So wicked, so selfish, so fucking evil.
If only Taehyun has answered differently, then none of this needs to happen. Kai won’t have to remove him from his life. Taehyun won’t be pressed on the wall right now, with Kai’s hands wrapped around his slender neck.
“I loved you, Taehyun. But you never truly allowed me in your life. You said you love Soobin hyung, but that’s a lie too. You just love the idea of him, you don’t love him at all. You can’t love anyone, Taehyun. You can’t love anyone because you still love him.”
Kai squeezes and grins at the panic in Taehyun’s eyes. It’s the same panic he sees whenever he realizes he had called out for the wrong person while they’re fucking. It’s the panic Kai always observes in Taehyun’s eyes when he catches him reading through walls of messages from a person Kai is so familiar and unfamiliar with.
It’s the panic in Taehyun’s eyes every time he’s reminded of his love for Beomgyu.
Taehyun doesn’t love him or Soobin. He loves no one but the scars of his past, decorating his body and tainting his heart black.
It’s no question why he never desired to be fixed. Taehyun treasures his shattered heart dearly to even fathom the idea of moving on.
“You’re still living in the past,” Kai says softly, choking the life out of him. He feels out of breath too, almost as if he’ll break and die with Taehyun at any moment. “And because you can’t learn to cherish the people around you, you’ll end up with no one loving you.”
Taehyun has the strength to struggle, but he doesn’t. He takes what Kai gives, staring back at him with eyes blank and lifeless.
“How long will it take until Soobin hyung leaves you? How long until you discard Soobin hyung too?” Taehyun’s eyes start to close and before he fully loses consciousness, Kai whispers venom in his ears.
“Leave this place, Taehyunie. Leave me and Soobin alone and you’ll live.”
Taehyun’s eyes shut close.
“Leave your present behind and return to your past.”
Taehyun falls limp in Kai’s arms and for a brief moment, he pretends that Taehyun’s love for him was never fake. Kai pretends that Taehyun is just sleeping in his arms, waiting to be carried back into their room and cuddle each other til the sun rises to greet them.
But those are not his realities anymore. Kai has pressed the tip of the knife on Taehyun’s heart, shallow enough to bleed him dry, but not deep enough to complete the deed.
Taehyun’s heart continues to beat, but Kai knows that he no longer lives.
Taehyun will never live to see another bright day again because Kai has returned him to the place the sun sets and never wakes.
Kai gives Taehyun away to the monster who has eaten the other half of his heart.
He doesn’t see Beomgyu or anyone in the place indicated on the message. Kai only spots a small park void of people. He lays Taehyun down beneath the oak tree. With his back against the trunk of the tree, and his eyelashes casting down shadows on his cheeks, Taehyun looks peaceful.
Kai cradles his cheek, he doesn’t say an apology, but the sudden weight of his sins is enough to almost make him take Taehyun in his arms again.
Then he receives a message again. Leave now. It says, as if the person can sense his hesitation. Leave now, because it’s too late to regret anything, is what the message misses to add, but it’s already clear to Kai.
As he leaves Taehyun behind, Kai swallows another lie.
It’ll be fine. This is the best for us. Taehyun will be happy now, and I’ll be happy with Soobin hyung. It’s what I wanted.
It’s then that the realization cuts him deep. Everything he has told himself is a lie, and maybe the voices in his head are saying the truth.
Kai really is wicked.
. . . ▬ . . .
Two months after Kai abandoned Taehyun, he never heard from him again. But at least now he has Soobin by his side.
Soobin who’s unresponsive as a stone, as cold as ice, and as broken as Taehyun.
It’s as if the life was sapped out of him when Taehyun disappeared. Kai does his best to tend to him, he pours all his affection and attention into Soobin, loving him with everything he’s got, but it’s never enough. Nothing can rouse Soobin.
Even after removing the bind on his wrists and ankles, Soobin makes no move to leave. It still doesn’t sate Kai, no, not when all Soobin asks of him is Taehyun’s whereabouts. Kai will always answer him truthfully, Taehyunie has left us, he’ll say while wiping away the tears Soobin sheds.
Soobin slowly dies in his arms, and Kai dutifully kisses him back to life.
It’s Kai’s perfect happy ending came true.
Kai is happy, he’s content with loving Soobin. It doesn’t hurt him anymore to know that Soobin has completely lost the heart to love him back, after all, Taehyun has taken it away with him too.
Kai is happy. He’s happy that Soobin’s by his side now. He’s happy that he’ll never be alone again. He won’t have to cry with no company but the noisy crowd in his head. He won’t end up like his sister, isolated and forgotten.
So Kai is happy. He’s the happiest he can ever get.
Soobin has his head on Kai’s lap, eyes shut close, still so pretty in his slumber.
“We’ll be happy forever, hyung. We’ll always be together this lifetime, in the afterlife, and beyond.” Kai runs a hand through Soobin’s hair, smiling down softly at him. Soobin doesn’t speak, and Kai’s fine with that. They’re more at peace like this anyway.
“I love you, Soobin hyung.” Kai whispers before leaning down to press a kiss on Soobin’s bruised lips.
Love comes with warmth and happiness.
With Soobin in his arms, Kai has never been so cold.