Work Text:
Alcohol.
He can smell alcohol. His clothes are sticking to his skin. His mouth feels weird. His lips are chapped. He feels sick.
Sick, sick, sick, sick.
His head is throbbing.
There’s a buzzing coming from his pocket.
His phone. His phone is ringing.
He opens his eyes and groans. The sunlight coming through the window is so bright, making his head hurt even more than it already did.
Bzz. Bzz. Bzz. Bzz.
Beep.
A text message.
He manages to pry his eyes open once more. He fumbles for his phone. His hands are trembling, shaking, the keyboard too small. He unlocks it on the fourth attempt. Hyuk. Hyuk is supposed to come. He forgot, he forgot, he forgot, he forgot. He'll be here in half an hour.
Fuck.
He's sitting on the ground, his back resting against the sofa. His whole body hurts, his bones, his muscles, his skin, he feels like a ball of exposed nerves. He looks around the room. The TV is still on, images are flashing across the screen. A cheery voice describing the newest kitchen gadget that you simply must have. His usually meticulously clean studio is a mess. Empty bottles of whiskey and soju are covering the coffee table. Coffee table that is slightly pushed out of its place. There's dirty rings from the alcohol left on the surface of it. Sweaty, sticky fingerprints. Some of the alcohol is spilled on the floor, on him, on the carpet. More bottles and glasses lying on the floor.
Looking at the mess makes his brain itch. His eyes are prickling and swimming in tears. It's too much, too messy, he hates it, he hates it, he hates it, he hates it.
He needs to clean up. Clean, clean, clean, clean. Yes. Yes, he'll do that. He should get up. When did he end up on the floor?
What happened?
Hyuk is coming. Hyuk is coming. Hyuk is coming. Hyuk is coming. He can't find him like this. Not like this.
Five for the price of two.
He tries to get up, slowly, shakily pulling himself to his feet. He really doesn't feel good. His head is pounding, ears ringing, stomach twisting. He rubs his hands weakly over his face. Everything feels so wrong.
The appeal.
He feels gross.
Sick.
Han Ki Hwan's appeal.
He reaches for the bottles to put them away. To hide them, at least. Somewhere. And he has to find a towel to wash up the table, the floor. In the bathroom, yes.
Hyuk can't find him like this.
He takes a step forward and suddenly the world starts spinning.
Table.
Glass.
Shards.
Floor.
Pain.
Too much pain.
Blood.
Blood...a surprising amount of blood, he thinks. His blood? Where is it all coming from?
Blood, blood, blood, blood.
It's hard to breathe. He can't get air into his lungs.
Blood and alcohol swirling together on the floorboards. Sinking into the carpet. No, not the carpet. Not his carpet. No, no, no, no. He'll have to clean that. He has to clean that. Hyuk...
His chest feels so tight, like something's pressing on his lungs, pushing all the air out, out, out, out.
Call 080-808-8075 now!!
The shards are glistening in the sunlight. Some still crystal clear like the purest of diamonds, some red with blood like rubies. They'd be beautiful but their edges are jagged and they're uneven. All different shapes and sizes. He watches them. He doesn't like them being so uneven. He doesn't like how haphazardly scattered around they are without any semblance of a pattern or order. He wishes he could do something about it, he wants to arrange them, to smooth their edges, something to ease the itching in his brain, his skin, his eyes, but his body refuses to do anything. He doesn't even really feel his body beside the itching. He's just that. His whole existence, itching. Does he have a body?
Wheezing escapes his lips.
He doesn't. He doesn't think he has a body. And there's mess everywhere, everything is out of order (his flat, his life), his skin is crawling with it, he wants to cry. He feels the tears rolling down his cheeks and then they're mixing with the blood and the alcohol.
He's so cold.
So alone.
He can't breathe. His vision gets blurry. Good. Now he can't see the mess. His brain still itches but he can try and pretend that it's not there. He knows it's there but he can try and pretend. Pretend, pretend, pretend, pretend. He’s used to pretending. No shards, no blood, no alcohol, no glass, no playing TV. No mess.
Good. He relaxes. He's warm now. If only he could breathe properly. His breathing is rugged. He can't seem to fill his lungs enough. It's not enough. He’s not enough. He's gasping for air.
He's warm. He doesn't feel like he's on the floor, it feels soft, like being on a cloud. He wants to take a nice long nap. And then everything will be fine. Why shouldn’t he take a nap?
Han Ki Hwan.
More wheezing and coughing falling from his lips, shaking his whole body.
More blood.
He can taste the blood in his mouth, on his lips. It's gross. He hates it. He's warm and he's going to take a nap now. Everything’s alright.
Pounding on the door. So loud, so loud, so loud, so loud. Too loud. Why? Why when he finally feels so peaceful. Why can't they let him be in peace, he deserves peace, he deserves peace at least once in his life. He tries to squeeze his eyes shut. He wants to press his hands against his ears but he doesn't think he can find them.
Buy five now get ten for free.
Suddenly there's a voice.
'Joo Won!!' That’s his name, Joo Won. Joo Won, Joo Won. Joo....Won. Joo Won.
Han Joo Won.
Han Ki Hwan.
Someone is reaching for him. 'Joo Won! Joo Won-ah!'
The voice sounds worried. It worries him that they sound so worried. There's nothing to worry about. Everything is fine, he's going to sleep now.
Hyuk.
'H-hyung...' His mouth moves but only a raspy breath comes out. He wants to tell Hyuk that everything’s fine, his room is just a little messy because… because?
He's coughing, his whole body is trembling.
Tears.
A memory.
Alcohol.
Blood.
Eomma.
***
Beeping.
Lights.
Pain.
Tears.
Voices.
***
Beep, beep, beep, beep.
Bright light in his eyes.
Blurry shapes he can't focus on, he can’t make sense of.
People are talking but he doesn't know what they're talking about. Are they talking about him? They talk so fast and there's so many of them. Are they laughing? He can't tell. He forgets what laughing is. Why don't they leave him alone?
There's hands on him and everything is too much, too much, too much, too much.
Sharp pain in his arm.
Something is resting on his face, over his nose and mouth. He has a faint recollection that it's there to help him breathe but he suddenly feels like he's suffocating, like something is pressing on him from all directions. He tries to raise his hands to his face to get it off (off, off, off) but they're so heavy, so heavy so heavy, so heavy.
He can't breathe, he can't breathe, he can't breathe, he can't breathe.
He cries.
***
The sharp smell of disinfectant covering the scent of illness. The sickening hospital smell that makes his skin crawl. Hospital?
His body feels heavy and sore but as if from a distance. He feels...fuzzy. Like he's completely stuffed with cotton, he feels dull and yet it’s too much at the same time.
He can hear a steady beeping of machines.
He's thirsty. Really thirsty. He needs water.
He tries to open his eyes, they're so so so so heavy.
There's sudden movement by his side, soft warm hands touching his arm, his cheek, his forehead.
'Han Joo Won...' A pleasant voice. A worried voice. A familiar voice.
He tries to open his eyes properly once more, blinking up at a familiar face. A face filled with warmth and sunshine but also fear and concern and sadness. Big beautiful sad eyes...
His vision goes blurry and his head falls back against the pillows. A soft moan escapes his lips.
'Joo Won, Joo Won-ah, careful,' says the figure.
'W-water...'
'Here.' Hand on the back of his head. A cool cup against his dry lips. He drinks clumsily, some of the water running down the corner of his mouth.
The figure dabs at him with a towel. 'There, there. The doctor said you should be drinking slowly, you shouldn't overdo it.' They try to sound cheerful but they're not.
The doctor? Hospital.
'What....happened?' he manages to say. His head is starting to hurt more. He raises his hand to pinch the bridge of his nose.
'Ah. You took a very ugly fall, Han Joo Won,' says the warm sad person. It is someone important, someone he knows. Someone he... He should know their name. Why doesn't he know their name? Why doesn't he know what happened? How did he get here?
His throat closes and his chest tightens. He can't breathe. Why doesn't he know their name? Tears are running down his cheeks now. Sobs and whimpers are escaping his lips, shaking his whole body. Why, why, why, WHY?
The person is right by his side, gently pulling him into their arms as much as all the tubes and wires going into his body allow.
'It's alright, it's alright.' A careful, caring hand is stroking circles on his back.
He doesn't feel alright. He doesn't feel alright at all. He can't remember. He can't remember them. He can't remember what happened. Even the sound of his own name feels strange. He can't remember them. He can't, he can't, he can't, he can't.
More tears. More sobs. More gentle pats on his back until all is black again.
***
'.....hyung, you should go home and rest properly, we'll call you if anything changes.' A young man's voice. Followed by grumbling and protests.
'No.'
'Jae Yi noona will drive you-'
'No.'
'Aigoo, Lee Dong Sik.' A woman's voice, very stern.
He freezes.
Lee Dong Sik.
Lee Dong Sik, Lee Dong Sik, Lee Dong Sik, Lee Dong Sik.
Lee Dong Sik.
'D-Dong Si....Dong Sik.' His words are coming out all slurred and weak but he remembers. He remembers, he remembers, he remembers, he remembers. Dong Sik, Dong Sik, Dong Sik, Dong Sik.
'Han Joo Won!!'
Dong Sik's hands touching his arm. Dong Sik's hands touching his chest. Dong Sik's hands touching his cheeks. Dong Sik's hands touching his forehead.
'Joo Won-ah.'
'Do-Dong Sik-ssi.' A cough comes over him, shaking his whole body. It hurts. It hurts a lot. Tears are stinging in his eyes.
'Careful now,' Dong Sik says, helping him lie back down. He looks so tired, Joo Won has never seen him looking so tired, he thinks. The circles around his eyes are so dark and so deep, his cheeks hollow. He looks like he hasn't slept or eaten properly for days.
Joo Won frowns.
'You haven't been eating well, Dong Sik-ssi,' he says. His voice sounds broken and raspy.
'Gosh, this punk. You're worrying about me, Han Joo Won?'
He considers that.
'Yes.'
'Aish, then you shouldn't have gotten yourself into this mess, Han Joo Won, then I wouldn't have to worry about you and you wouldn't have to worry about me worrying about you.'
He is always worrying about Lee Dong Sik. There hasn't been a single day in the past what? Something over two years? When he didn't think about Lee Dong Sik.
This mess.
'What happened?'
'Something called pneu...pneuma-'
'Pneumothorax,' supplies Oh Ji Hwa. It's Oh Ji Hwa. She is standing right behind Dong Sik's chair with Oh Ji Hoon. 'You punctured and deflated your lung, Inspector Han.'
Oh.
Well, that explains the hard breathing and the coughing and the tubes going into his nose. He can feel the plaster on his cheek holding it in place and he doesn't like it, it makes his skin tingle when he focuses on it too hard.
'How?' His mind and memory are still quite fuzzy. He can't... remember. Not really. He remembers feeling sick, sticky. Something glistening in the sunlight.
'Ah. You seem to have fallen on some broken glass,' Dong Sik says. His eyes are sad, betraying that there is more to the story than that. Joo Won doesn't think he wants to know more, not now, not yet. He's too tired for that. And he doesn't think Dong Sik would tell him right now, anyway.
He's getting sleepy.
He coughs again, slightly less this time but it still makes his body curl into a ball. Dong Sik's hands are immediately there, patting his back.
'Dong Sik-ssi?'
'Yes, Inspector Han?'
'Eat well.'
***
The next time he wakes up he's alone. Everything is dark, except for the steadily beeping screens by his side and the light in the corridor he can see through the milky window in the door. He can still smell the hospital smell and he hates it. It makes him think of all the germs, of all the super resistant hospital strains of viruses and bacteria. Tiny, wriggly little cells just waiting for their opportunity to jump down people's throats. He shudders. His skin is crawling, itching. He resists the urge to scratch it and pick at it. He breathes in, out. It's all in his head.
He coughs. An awful cough that leaves his body all sore and shaky afterwards.
His mind feels more clear now but it also means he's more aware of other things. Like how he got here in the first place. He doesn't want to think about it. (The glass, the blood, the alcohol.) And he doesn't want anyone else to talk about it either, but they will, they will talk about it, and they'll be worried but he's fine. He's fine, falling and getting his lung punctured was an accident, unrelated to anything else. He got himself a little worked up over the appeal but it’s nothing he can’t handle on his own. But there'll be questions of why and then are you alright? and everyone will be awfully worried and concerned and he'll feel like an inconvenience. That’s what happens when you let people into your life, people start getting worried about you without you giving them a reason to. And he is fine, really.
He can’t be an inconvenience. Stop being useful and you're an inconvenience. Have a single problem and you're an inconvenience. Show your emotions and you're an inconvenience.
He can’t be an inconvenience.
He is fine. He is fine. He is fine. He is fine.
Why did you drink so much if you're fine, Joo Won? Why did you want to forget about the world?
He squeezes his eyes shut, then opens them again. He lifts his arms to look at them in the dim light. They're heavy. There's a needle in his left hand, connected by a tube to the clear plastic bag half-full with some transparent liquid hanging on the stand by his bed. Something clasped around his finger with a coiled wire going god-knows where, probably one of the machines. There's some bandages on his arms. He touches his face. A bandaid on the right side of his forehead. The tubes still going into his nose. He can feel the other tubes and bandages on his body too, under the covers.
He sighs.
Alright, it was probably a serious accident but he's fine.
He's fine, he's fine, he's fine, he’s fine.
He tries to fall back asleep but he can't, he's too awake, too alert. He's hyperaware of every beep, of every bandaid on his body, of every wrinkle in his bedsheets, of every step and murmur outside of his room, of every thought and image in his head.
He's fine.
He wants to scream.
Beep, beep, beep, beep.
He watches the liquid drip from the IV bag into the little cylindrical container, drip, drip, drip, drip. Then it goes into the tube, the needle, his hand, his entire body. There's a little blood in the tube, where the needle pierces his skin. His skin is itchy under the plaster taping it all down. He wonders what's in the plastic bag. Drip, drip, drip, drip.
Beep, beep, beep, beep.
He's fine.
He's going to go insane.
Drip, drip, drip, drip.
The plastic bag is almost empty.
Beep, beep, beep, beep.
Drip, drip, drip, drip.
A shadow at the door.
The door opens.
He quickly closes his eyes. He doesn't want to talk to anyone. No doctors, no nurses. He doesn't want anyone fussing about him. He's fine.
Someone walks up to his bed. There's some rustling and tapping, soft pulling and tugging at the tube in his hand.
The door opens and closes.
He opens his eyes.
The bag is full again.
Beep, beep, beep, beep.
Drip, drip, drip, drip.
He's fine.
Beep, beep, beep, beep.
The door opens again.
Dong Sik.
He doesn't close his eyes this time.
'Joo Won-ah.'
'Hi,' he croaks out.
'Joo Won-ah,' Dong Sik repeats, reaching for his hand as he sits down into the chair beside his bed. He looks even worse now than earlier. The shadows of his face are deeper, his clothes all crinkly, stubble more visible on his chin. He clearly didn't listen to Ji Hoon and Ji Hwa, he doesn't look like he went home. How long was he here?
Joo Won clears his throat. 'How long have I been here?'
'Almost four days.'
That's longer than he thought.
'And you-?'
'I came right after Prosecutor Kwon called.'
Prosecutor Kwon. Hyuk. He remembers seeing Hyuk when... Hyuk has Lee Dong Sik's number?
'You stayed here all this time?'
'They gave me a bed but… it's not the most comfortable.' He laughs but there's no joy in it.
'You didn't have to stay here for me.' He can manage on his own. He's an inconvenience, a horrible inconvenience. He's making Dong Sik worried, making him not sleep properly, making him not eat properly, making him drop all his other stuff to be here with him. And for what? What has he ever done for him for him to do this?
'Dammit, Han Joo Won!!' That startles him. Dong Sik gets up to pace around the room, rubbing at his face.
'Sorry,' he says in a small voice. Another cough rattles his body. Dong Sik is by his side, patting his back. The coughing hurts. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts.
'Sorry,' he says again, tears prickling at his eyes.
A memory. A tailored suit. A tight tie. Fever. A cough threatening to escape his throat but he can't let it even if he chokes. He has to keep standing straight, looking polite, not be rude. Answer some questions but mostly just stand there, a perfect picture, a perfect testimony to his father’s perfect life. Being sick is an inconvenience. Something to be overcome. Even if he dies standing there he can't show discomfort. They have company. He can't be an inconvenience.
He is an inconvenience.
'Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.' He rasps out in-between his coughs. Tears are running from his eyes now, falling down his cheeks. He is fine.
'Joo Won-ah.' Gentle, soothing circles on his back. Dong Sik's pleasant warmth enveloping him. Dong Sik's gentle voice. It’s calming. He doesn't deserve it. What did he ever do to deserve this? What does he have to give in return?
The coughing stops and so does the crying, eventually.
'I'm sorry,' he manages.
'Han Joo Won,' Dong Sik says, finding his eyes. 'Stop being sorry, you have nothing to be sorry for.'
'I do.' He burrows his gaze into the covers. He can’t stand to look at him.
'Stop arguing.'
'I do. I am sorry. I'm making you worry, I’m making everyone worry, I'm making you be here, I'm an inconvenience to everyone like this I should have just-'
'What, Inspector Han? What should have happened? You should have just died there, is that what you want to say? You should have just choked there on your own blood? Lying on your living room floor until the smell of your rotting body alerts someone?'
Yes, he wants to say. Yes. It'd be better for everyone. Then he wouldn't hurt anyone. Then no-one would be able to use him and discard him when he becomes an inconvenience.
He doesn't say anything but Dong Sik can see the answer written all over his face and Joo Won knows it. Dong Sik can always read his emotions, even when he tries to hide them. He hates being such an open book, all his emotions laid bare for his former partner to read.
'Do you really think that would be better for anyone?' Dong Sik says in a small voice. His eyes are glistening as if he's going to cry. He looks at the ceiling, blinking. Han Joo Won doesn't want to make Dong Sik cry.
'So-'
'If you say sorry again I will-' Dong Sik sighs. 'Stop acting like this, Joo Won. Stop acting like you're this enormous burden. Like you need to do something to deserve help.'
'But-'
'Yes. Yes, you are a brat, you're a pain, you're the most snobbish annoying little prince I have ever met in my life. But I choose to care about you, Han Joo Won. Not because I want something from you, because I choose to. And so does Ji Hwa and Ji Hoon and Jae Yi and Prosecutor Kwon. We all care about you, Joo Won-ah, whether you like it or not.'
Joo Won doesn't know what to say. He picks at the plaster on his hand.
'Lee Dong Sik-ssi...'
'Yeah. Yeah, I know you can't fully trust me when I tell you we care about you. I won't pretend it doesn't hurt but I understand. But try, Han Joo Won, try and believe me.'
Joo Won looks at his former partner, his vision a little blurry.
'Alright, alright I will.'
He doesn't believe him but he may one day. Or maybe… maybe he does believe him, wants to believe him, wants to believe that someone would care about him with no strings attached (be proper, be useful, then you deserve a semblance of love and care) but.... he doesn't understand why anyone would choose to care about him, not when he doesn't have anything to give back besides pain and suffering. He wants to understand.
'Han Joo Won.'
Joo Won looks up at him.
'That doesn't mean you have to pretend to be fine. It's alright to ask for help.'
He doesn't know how. He shouldn't need help. He should manage things on his own. He doesn’t need anyone, does he?
'Ask for help...' A bitter chuckle escapes his lips without him even meaning to. 'How?'
'You just tell us what you need.'
What does he need? He's not sure what he needs. He isn’t even sure what his issue is. Why would he need help? He’s fine. There’s nothing wrong with him, technically, so why, why is he so… so unravelled. Like a ball of yarn a cat played with a bit too roughly. Feeling so restless, so out of place, so full of feelings he can’t name but which threaten to explode out of him at all times, whenever his control slips even a little bit. He doesn't know what would make his brain, his heart, his whole being just... stop. Stop and be at peace. Stop and be at peace and not doubt everything, not calculate every word, every bow, every expression, not feel like he has to be useful all the damn time. It’s all too fucking much.
There's sudden tears in his eyes and before he can think to stop himself from acting stupid, from acting like an inconvenience, he’s falling apart and Dong Sik is there and he’s holding him.
There’s a word on his mind, a word he hasn't used in a long time, since he was a little child.
'Home, Lee Dong Sik. I don't want to be lonely anymore.'
***
Went to get coffee.
Back before you know it.
Dong Sik.
Joo Won puts the note back on the bedside table. He rubs a hand across his sleepy eyes. He wishes he could wash his face properly, not just with a wet wash-cloth. He wishes he could have a proper shower, alone, in peace. He wants to feel the water flowing down his skin, washing everything away. He feels like his skin is either going to eat him or walk off on its own. It feels like it’s a completely separate entity to him. It’s itchy, sticky, prickly, tingly, he can feel his whole skin all at once, touching everything, existing on top of his body, he can feel it all from his face to his back to his toes. He doesn’t remember the last time he went literal days without a proper shower, he feels disgusting.
He looks over at the bathroom door. He could go and take a shower. He’s not tied to any machines right now, they even took away the oxygen support because he got better. He would have to be careful to not get any bandages or the IV needle wet but he could do that, surely. No harm in that. He’ll have a little shower and be back in bed before Dong Sik gets back with his coffee and he won’t even know.
He sits up and swings his legs over the edge of the bed. So far so good. The wound on his chest is aching a bit when he moves but it did before too, when he was allowed to take a walk around the room, Dong Sik supporting him around the waist. He puts his weight on his feet experimentally. Good. He stands up. He’s a little unsteady but the bathroom is not far and there’s a seat in the shower, it’s going to be fine. He can do it, he’s going to walk slowly and carefully, one foot at a time.
One, two, three, four.
Good.
Five, six, seven, eight.
The pain in his chest is growing but he can manage.
Nine, ten, eleven, twelve.
It’s fine, it’s fine, it’s fine, it’s fine. Only like what? Six? Eight more steps?
Thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen.
A sharp pain in his chest and he’s gasping for air. The bathroom is suddenly so far away, the prospect of a nice cool shower dissipating in the distance like a mirage.
Four more steps, four more steps, four more steps, four more steps.
One.
His feet are wobbling.
Two.
He’s doubling over, coughing. His chest feels so tight.
Three.
So close, so close, so close, so close.
He drags his feet, wheezing, light-headed, clutching onto the door-frame.
Four.
‘Han Joo Won!!’
‘Do-’ He doesn’t finish his name because he’s coughing again.
‘Don’t talk.’
Joo Won’s vision is a little blurry but there’s Dong Sik, holding onto him, keeping him from sinking to the floor. He smells like coffee.
‘I’m- I’m fine… shower…’
‘Forget it.’
He tries to fight him but he’s too weak to do that. Dong Sik is holding him around his waist, Joo Won’s right arm draped over his shoulders. Joo Won’s feet don’t really want to work but the other man manages to half-carry, half-drag him back to his bed.
‘Careful now, slowly.’
Dong Sik genlty sits him down on the edge of the bed. Joo Won’s breathing heavily but it’s better, now that he’s not standing.
‘Joo Won-ah, what were you thinking?’
‘I’m fine.’
‘You’re not fine, you fool.’ Dong Sik is running his hands over his arms, his chest, checking him over. It’s suddenly too much. Too much, too much, too much, too much.
‘Lee Dong Sik, I said I’m fine!!’
He says it much more loudly than he really meant to. Dong Sik flinches, startled.
‘Sorry I… sorry.’
‘It’s fine, don’t worry.’
‘I only just…’
‘Yeah, I know.’
Joo Won runs a hand over his face. He really wanted to do something on his own but he can’t even take a shower. He feels so… so… so… he doesn’t even know. he doesn’t even know how he feels, he just feels and it’s too much and he’s…
‘Sorry.’
‘It really is alright, Joo Won. Do you want to lie back down?’
He sighs. ‘Yes.’ What else can he do?
Dong Sik helps him get his legs back into bed, arranging his pillows, tucking the covers around him. He feels like a child. No. He never got to feel like this as a child. He never got to feel so… vulnerable but so cared for. It makes him uncomfortable, frustrated, he doesn’t know what to do with himself. Care without any strings attached.
‘Alright?’ asks Dong Sik.
‘Yes, thank you.’
Dong Sik sits down in the chair.
‘Did I ever tell you how Oh Ji Hwa...’
***
Hospital smell, again. After so many days he should be used to it but it still makes his skin tingle. But this time there's something else too, besides the sickness and the disinfectant. A hint of... tangerines? He opens his eyes. There's a net of tangerines on the bedside table. And a sleeping Dong Sik in the chair beside his bed. Dong Sik sleeping in the chair, leaning over with his head on his covers. One of his hands gently holding his own. He has started doing that lately, holding his hand in his sleep, for whatever reason, and it's... it's... nice. It's very nice. He doesn't know how he deserves it or what Dong Sik means by it, really, but it's nice. He likes it. He likes it very much. Dong Sik has very nice hands, he would never admit it aloud but he always thought so, ever since they first grabbed him more than a year ago now. Never gross or sweaty, always soft and warm and gentle with just a hint of callouses. He likes his hands. He's breathing evenly, his chest moving up and down in a rhythm. He looks so peaceful, so innocent, like if all the worries of the world left him in his sleep, at least for now. It's what he deserves. How could he have ever suspected him to be a serial killer when he's the kindest man he's ever met? He helps people, he gives them their shoes, standing in the rain in just socks. He feeds birds in the park. How does he deserve this man's kindness when he has caused him nothing but pain?
Dong Sik's hair is all soft lovely curls, some of them falling into his eyes. Joo Won reaches out his hand to brush some of the curls away but in that moment Dong Sik stirs, blinking up at him sleepily. Joo Won quickly pulls his hand away as if burnt. He was going to brush Dong Sik's hair off as if that's something normal, as if that's something he just does casually. As if that's something he's allowed to do.
'Ah, good morning,' says Dong Sik. He stretches noisily and rubs the sleep out if his eyes. 'What? You look like you've seen a ghost.'
Joo Won realises that he's still staring. His cheeks flush. 'Oh. No, no.' He coughs softly. 'You really should be sleeping in a proper bed, Lee Dong Sik-ssi.'
'And let you do something stupid again? Do you take me for a fool, Inspector Han? I'm never letting you out of my sight again.'
Ah, yes. He'll never let him live that down, will he.
He huffs in response because he doesn't have anything clever to say to that. To his annoyance Dong Sik grins and reaches for the remote to move his bed up.
'Are you hungry?' he says as he carefully arranges the pillows behind him. Without waiting for an answer he reaches for the tangerines and starts peeling one. Joo Won watches his fingers work quickly, smoothly, as if Dong Sik hasn't done anything else in his life than peel tangerines.
And then a slice of tangerine is being pushed into his mouth.
A finger brushing his lip.
Joo Won makes an embarrassingly surprised sound. God.
Dong Sik snickers. 'Eat up, Inspector Han.'
Joo Won forgets how to chew for a moment.
Dong Sik feeding him a tangerine.
Dong Sik's finger brushing his lip.
Dong Sik's finger.
His lip.
Tangerine.
Dong Sik.
He can feel the tips of his ears turning red.
He swallows.
'Lee Dong Sik-ssi!!'
'What? You should eat a lot of vitamins to get your strength back.' Dong Sik chuckles, a huge grin spreading across his face now. A very nice, genuine grin. He likes seeing that grin. Did they put something in the IV bag? Does Dong Sik know what he's doing to him?
'I can peel my own tangerines, you know. I'm not a baby.'
'Suit yourself.' Dong Sik says, laughing now, putting the net of tangerines into his lap.
His fingers are a little stiff but he can manage on his own, thank you very much. Dong Sik watches him with amused eyes. He feels so hot, is there something wrong with the heating? He can feel Dong Sik's eyes on him. His fingers fumble even more.
'Dong Sik.'
'Yes?'
'Stop staring.'
'I'm not staring.'
'Yes, you are.'
'No,' says Dong Sik and then a second later adds with another infuriating chuckle, 'I'm looking.'
'Lee Dong Sik!!'
'Alright, alright.' Dong Sik looks out the window. 'Aigoo, what a fussy little prince you are, Inspector Han.'
Joo Won huffs again. He puts a piece of tangerine in his mouth and before he can stop himself or even really register what he's doing, he's putting a slice in Dong Sik's mouth too.
They stare at each other, wide-eyed.
Oh god. Oh... god. He went and did that. He went and fed Dong Sik a tangerine and he did that. Dong Sik did too but he-he-
'Han Joo Won.' Mumbles Dong Sik.
He did that.
'Han Joo Won.'
Joo Won finally focuses on him. And oh no he still has a finger on his lips. He quickly pulls his hand away.
'I'm sorry... I'm sorry, I-'
'Am I interrupting something?'
Startled, they both look towards the door.
Oh Ji Hoon.
'Did no-one teach you to knock, Oh Ji Hoon?' Says Dong Sik, sounding a little.... annoyed? Was he really annoyed? With Ji Hoon? With him? 'I'll have to have a word with Ji Hwa.'
'I did knock but you were... preoccupied,.' the young man says, vaguely gesturing towards them. There's a bag dangling from his hand.
Joo Won feels like his face is going to explode, surely he must be so red now. He fights the urge to bury his burning head in his hands. Is he coming down with a fever?
'I-I brought you some juk.' Ji Hoon says nervously, hurriedly putting the bag on the bedside table. 'Jae Yi told me to bring it.'
'All the way from Manyang?'
'I was... I was on my way to Seoul anyway.'
Is he imagining it or did Ji Hoon's ears also turn a bit red? It may be the room after-all.
'Oh is that so?' says Dong Sik, smiling to himself.
'I'll... go... then. I have to be somewhere soon anyway.'
'Have fun.' Dong Sik waves at him. As Oh Ji Hoon closes the door behind himself, Joo Won could swear his face got even redder.
'What was that about?' Joo Won is glad they have something else to talk about.
Dong Sik fed him a tangerine.
He fed Dong Sik a tangerine.
'Oh. He has a new boyfriend and he thinks he's being so secretive about it.'
'Ah.'
A boyfriend.
Did they also peel each other's tangerines? Did they sleep holding each other's hand?
What is he even thinking about? This is ridiculous.
Joo Won is acutely aware of Dong Sik's eyes watching him. Is he doing this on purpose? Oh god. Oh god, oh god, oh god. What's he going to do, he doesn't know what to say or do with his face anymore. Cold, stoic, logical Inspector Han embarrassed like a teenager. And Dong Sik just keeps on looking. Looking with his dark, chocolate brown eyes.
The tangerine.
God.
Joo Won stretches his arms and fakes a yawn, settling back against the pillows. He closes his eyes.
'Wake me up when the lunch arrives.'
'What about the juk? Hey, Inspector Han.'
But Joo Won pretends to be fast asleep.
***
He opens the bathroom door. There's blood everywhere, painting the otherwise pristine white tiles crimson, pooling and running in the grooves between them like in an obscene waterway system. The tap is on, filling the bathtub with more and more red, spilling over.
His mother's drunken wailing. His father's shouting, glass shattering, doors slamming. An ambulance.
His eyes are staring at him from the mirror. Dark, empty, soulless eyes. He has the complexion of a corpse, grey skin pulled tight over bones. It looks like it could rip at any moment.
'Han Joo Won. Yes, he's my son, but he resembles his mother more than me. They wait for someone to approach them first, but they're too weak to make the first move. Even when someone reaches their hand out, they can't even grab that hand. They pretend to be fine and act like they're strong and indifferent. They trap themselves in that pretence and end up destroying themselves. They're foolish people.'
Blood is pouring out of his eyes, his ears, his mouth. He watches it trickle down his skin, drip down onto his clothes. He doesn't move. He can't move.
He's in his father's old car. The one he had twenty-two years ago. He remembers it. He remembers being shouted at for tracking mud into it. A sharp hand on his cheek. He remembers his father selling it. Why is he here?
He hits the brakes but it's too late, there's a dark shape lying on the road ahead of him, unmoving. He doesn't want to, he knows what he's going to find, but his legs carry him over to the body anyway.
'I killed her? It was a mistake. A very small mistake.'
Lee Yu Yeon.
Lee Geum Hwa
Lee Dong Sik.
Lee Dong Sik, still, lifeless, missing fingers, body contorted into an unnatural position.
No.
No, no, no, no, no. This is all wrong, so very wrong. It can't be him.
A cold, disfigured hand reaches out and clasps around his ankle. Lee Dong Sik’s eyes opens, burrowing deep into his soul.
He starts awake and stares up at the ceiling. All he can see are Dong Sik's dead, accusing eyes. Dead, dead, dead, dead, he killed him. Just like he got Lee Geum Hwa killed (he might as well have killed her himself). Just like his father killed Yu Yeon.
Dead.
Dead, dead, dead, dead.
'Ah, Joo Won-ah, right on time for lunch.' Dong Sik, alive and well, if tired, balancing a tray of food.
Joo Won tries to say something but he can't move, his body feels heavy and stuck. Maybe he is the corpse.
'Han Joo Won!!'
Dong Sik's living face hovering above him. Concern. Worry. His arms clasping Joo Won's shoulders, gently reaching for his face.
'Joo Won-ah, what happened?'
He realises he's been crying, still, he can't move.
Dong Sik holds his hand, the other cupping his cheek, caressing it with his thumb. 'It's alright, take your time.'
'Dong Sik-'
'Shhh, it's alright.'
Tears are pouring out of his eyes and he can't seem to stop them. Soft sobs are falling from his lips.
'I'm here, it's alright.' Dong Sik pulls him up and into his arms, stroking his back. Joo Won finally regains control over his body, desperately clutching at him, burying his face in his shirt.
'You were... you were dead. I killed you.'
He can feel Dong Sik tense up a little but he never stops holding him, never stops stroking his back and rocking him back and forth.
'You didn't, Joo Won, I'm right here.' He can feel Dong Sik press his face into his hair.
'You were-'
'Shhhh, it's all good, I'm fine. You're fine.'
‘Dong Sik, Dong Sik, Dong Sik, Dong Sik…’ He can’t seem to stop repeating his name.
‘Here,’ Dong Sik says, taking Joo Won’s hand and placing it on his chest, right over his heart, holding it there. ‘See, alive.’
And Joo Won can feel it, he can feel the steady thumping of his heart. Bum, bum. Bum, bum. Bum, bum. Bum, bum.
Dong Sik is alive, alive and well.
***
'I'm sorry I didn't come sooner,' says Kwon Hyuk. He seems a little... on edge. 'I had to travel urgently for work.'
'It's alright, I wasn't exactly in the shape to see visitors.' That is a lie because Dong Sik has kept him company almost 24/7, now only popping out for a few hours to get washed and changed at home because he has finally listened to Joo Won's protests (and because Hyuk arrived to keep an eye on him). Joo Won also hopes that he sleeps for a bit and gets some real food, not just the things from vending machines or the hospital cafeteria or the occasional things from Yoo Jae Yi. Although, knowing Dong Sik, if he eats anything at home at all, it'll probably be instant noodles. Raw.
Hyuk also knows it's a lie and Joo Won knows he knows. It was him who called Dong Sik here in the first place, after-all. Hyuk doesn't say anything about it but Joo Won thinks he can see his mouth twitch into a little smile. It’s infuriating. Who does he think he is?.
They sit quietly for a bit, neither of them really knowing what to say. What do you say in these situations? When someone finds you on your apartment floor bathed in alcohol and your own blood, barely alive?
Finally, Joo Won breaks the silence, looking at his hands, not wanting to meet Hyuk's gaze. 'I'm sorry. I'm sorry you had to find me like that.'
'I'm sorry I didn't come earlier. And that I didn't come over that evening, when I- when I knew what was going on,' Hyuk says.
That day. The day of his fa- of Han Ki Hwan's appeal. It didn't work for him, of course. There is, surprisingly, still some justice left in the world. If there was as much justice as people deserved he would be sitting behind bars too. Seeing Han Ki Hwan's face on the TV, hearing the empty excuses he didn’t really mean (’It was a small mistake.’), hearing everything repeated again, seeing his own face being used again and again, it was simply too much, he couldn't take it and he... ended up here. Lying in bed for days, weeks, with poison in his blood and a hole in his lung.
Hyuk almost looks like he's going to cry now. Joo Won doesn't think he ever saw him like that before, never in the twelve years they knew each other. It makes his chest ache. It is his fault. It's his fault that he's worrying everyone. He feels guilty. Guilty for making everyone worry. He doesn't know what to do. He doesn't know if there's anything he can do.
'Hyung.'
Hyuk runs a hand over his face and takes a deep breath, blinking back tears.
'Joo Won-ah, it's... I... I don't want to lose you. I don't think I could bear that.'
'I'm sorry.'
'No, you don't have to be, I-I understand. I know you and I know... him. That's why I should have...' He looks at the floor. 'Just... ask for help, please? When you need it? Don't- don't do that again. Doesn't have to be me but please ask for help. Please don't get hurt again.' Don't die.
Joo Won feels like there's something in his throat, in his chest. Everyone is so worried about him all the time. He doesn't want them to be, he doesn't want to worry people. It’s too much. He doesn't know what to do with it all.
'I will.' He would promise anything to stop Hyuk from worrying but he does mean it. He always means what he says.
'Good. Good.'
They sit in silence for a bit again.
'Hyung?'
'Yes?'
'How did you get Lee Dong Sik's number?'
Hyuk chuckles. 'I have my ways.'
Joo Won frowns but says, 'I'm glad you did. Call him. I mean it.'
Hyuk smiles more. 'Are you now?'
There's hotness creeping into Joo Won's face. He knows his ears are starting to turn red too. Again.
'Aigoo, our little Joo Won-ie is finally catching feelings.'
'Hyung!!'
A sincere laugh erupts from Hyuk but then turns serious again.
‘You deserve to be happy, Joo Won-ah.’
‘Do I?’ Joo Won wasn’t so sure of that.
‘Of course you do.’
‘Do you really think I deserve to be happy?’ He can’t help but project some bitterness into his words. ‘After everything I’ve done? After everything my father has done?’ It makes him feel sick, calling Han Ki Hwan his father. But it’s the truth and he can’t escape it, he will always be his father, his blood will always run through his veins.
‘Your father’s sins are not your own, Joo Won. You’re not him.’
‘I still hurt him terribly, Hyuk, how could I ever expect him to… care about me after all that? How could I ever expect him to even look at my face? Why does he care about me, why is he spending all his time here with me now? Why does anyone care about me? ’
Hyuk sighs. ‘People make mistakes, they hurt each other. Friends, family, partners, they all do. You can’t help that. It’s what you do afterwards that matters.’
Maybe. Suppose Hyuk is right, suppose things do work like that. Their situation is still… too complicated, too messed up. He doesn’t think that regular people’s hurt includes someone’s sister being murdered by the other person’s father.
‘Joo Won-ah, he wants to be with you, he cares about you. I… when I called him, he rushed here right away, you weren’t even out of the surgery and he was here. And the look on his face… I don’t think he could- I think it’d shatter his heart completely if you didn’t make it.’
Joo Won is quiet for a while.
‘Was there a chance that I wouldn’t? Was there a chance that I wouldn’t make it?’
Hyuk sighs, rubs his hands on his knees. He exhales.
‘When I got to your flat it was- I really wasn’t sure you were even still alive. There was blood everywhere, Joo Won-ah, there was so much blood and you were just… lying there and I-’ He trails off, hiding his face in his hands again. ‘I didn’t know what to do so I just called an ambulance and… waited. And when we got to the hospital I called Lee Dong Sik and he came.’
He really could have died then. He is… he is glad that he didn’t. He... to be honest there are parts of him that wish he was dead, that he just... wasn't. The sad tired part of him that just wishes to have peace, to not feel anything ever again, to not have to worry about anything or deal with anything or face the world or the people in it. And the part of him telling him to die if he wishes to, to not be a coward, everyone would be better off without him anyway. But… he is very glad that he didn’t. For the people that he knows he would have left miserable and for himself too.
There’s a brief knock at the door and then there’s Dong Sik. He’s dressed in fresh clothes, black turtleneck and brown leather jacket, dark blue jeans. Freshly shaven. He looks rather nice. Joo Won is trying to will the rising redness in his cheeks down.
‘Dong Sik-ssi, you promised you would rest properly but it’s barely been four hours.’
‘So eager to get rid off me, Inspector Han? That’s rather rude, I only just arrived.’ Dong Sik grins and pulls a chair next to Hyuk.
Joo Won frowns. ‘You should have a proper rest.’
‘Aigoo, Han Joo Won, someone could think that I’m the injured one here and not you, with all this fussing.’
‘You will be if you don’t sleep enough.’
From the corner of his eye Joo Won can see Hyuk shaking his head. He has a wide grin on his face.
‘Are you laughing?’
‘Yes, you two are very funny.’
‘Are we, Prosecutor Kwon?’ says Dong Sik, a smile tugging at his lips too.
Yes, you’re like an old married couple.’
‘Hyung!!’ How dare he.
They’re both laughing now and Joo Won can only bury his burning face in his hands and pretend he’s not there.
***
He leaves the hospital a day later in the company of Dong Sik and Jae Yi. Dong Sik absolutely refused the idea that he’d spend his recuperation time alone in his Seoul studio so they’re headed for Dong Sik’s lake house. The air will do him good too, he said. And Joo Won is secretly very glad for that, he doesn’t think he wants to go back to his flat and be on his own. Not now and… not ever. He wishes to never go back there, to not be… lonely. He is lonely. He never thought he is but after coming to Manyang, after being accepted into their big family, suddenly being on his own really made him realise how lonely he is.
Jae Yi is driving (better than she drove the ambulance, he had to admit) and Dong Sik is sitting with him in the back seat. He also helped him down the stairs from the hospital and into the car with a gentle hand on his back.
The radio is on. Joo Won doesn't know the song but Dong Sik is humming the tune. His hand is resting on the car seat in-between them, so very close to his own, palm up and inviting. If he only stretched his little finger, if he only reached out a little bit, he could touch him. He’s not going to. Of course he’s not. And of course that Dong Sik did when he was sleeping but… he couldn’t possibly. He wants to really badly. He wants to take his hand and never let go.
He forces himself to look out the window. The tall buildings of Seoul soon give way to trees and fields and smaller family homes. Homes belonging to couples and parents with children, grandparents, families. Everyone living their lives, smiling, crying, laughing. Old halmeoni pulling out weeds. Gardens, bushes, flowers, vegetable patches. Joo Won never had a vegetable patch, he suddenly wants one. He’s not exactly sure what you can grow on your own, he never tried and his childhood… house never had any gardening space, not really. The image of Han Ki Hwan pulling out weeds on a summer’s afternoon flashes across his eyes. The absurdity of it almost makes him laugh. What can you grow in a garden? Radishes? Cabbage? Beans? Would Dong Sik know how to grow them? A little house with a little garden, balsam flowers, a cabbage patch.
***
The sound of wheels on gravel, their car pulling into the driveway. Already?
He opens his eyes a crack. He must have fallen asleep. His head is sideways? He’s resting on Dong Sik’s shoulder. He wants to pretend he’s still sleeping.
The car finally comes to a halt. He can hear rustling from the front seat, probably Jae Yi turning around. There’s suppressed laughter and light teasing tone in her voice.
‘What about Han Joo Won? You can’t possibly carry him inside on your own, ahjussi.’
Joo Won can feel Dong Sik trembling with laughter under him. He knows he’s awake. Then a hand patting his arm because Dong Sik had an arm wrapped around him all this time.
‘Wake up, Inspector Han, you can get your beauty sleep inside.’
He lifts his head and suddenly he finds himself just a few inches away from Dong Sik’s face. Dong Sik’s beautiful face with warm kind eyes, soft lips. His former partner gives him a look he can’t really read. It’s a soft and gentle sort of look and Joo Won feels like he’s going to melt under it a little bit. His face and ears should be covered in blisters with the way his skin is burning lately, whenever he gets too close or thinks too much about Dong Sik. What’s wrong with him?
He clears his throat and looks away.
‘Okayyyy, we should get out. Are you going in, Jae Yi-ya? I’ll make some tea,’ says Dong Sik, his voice doing the funny thing it does when he speaks English. It’s cute, really. Joo Won has to look away again because he can’t stop himself from smiling.
And he doesn’t, he doesn’t stop smiling. Not during their walk to the house, not when Dong Sik sets down his bag in his room, not when they have the tea together, not when they wave Jae Yi goodbye, not even when they head back inside the house for the night, not until he drifts off into a peaceful sleep. Maybe he's no longer lonely, maybe he found home.