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To say Nightmare had issues with their identity would be putting it lightly.
When they were created, they were but a shapeless forest spirit meant to guard the Tree of Feelings. As a small spirit, they were without a physical body and entirely genderless. Due to their lack of body, one had been created for them after their dying mother took inspiration from Underswap. Both Dream and Nightmare had thus been jarred from their first moments, shunted into an entirely new body to host their spirit form.
Nightmare had always felt uneasy about it, though Dream seemed to grow used to it after a while. Nightmare doesn't think they ever did, and they supposed they never really would. They think that it all started when Dream had called them brothers. From that point on, that was what they were. Siblings, yes, Nightmare had always known this.
It was the 'brothers' part that kept them awake at night.
From that moment, Nightmare had been forcefully thrust into a masculine identity that came with this simple word. Perhaps it wouldn't have been so bad, though Nightmare knew it absolutely would have been just as bad, if they hadn't been labeled the 'evil' brother, the darker one. The connotation of this masculine term was instantly soured; associated with such hurtful words that normally was followed up by painful torment.
Maybe that was why Nightmare had felt drawn to the delicate side within themself. It was secure, untainted, something that made them feel safe and valid. Though they saw no action or activity as strictly gender-conforming, they had similar security in delicate pastimes as well. Their brother had always enjoyed creating daisy chains and lying among the fields of flowers near their tree. Nightmare had always enjoyed weaving flower crowns with him, taking comfort that they wouldn't be mocked because Dream did it too.
It was okay when Dream did it. It was always okay when Dream did something.
Still, Nightmare kept that part of themself locked away inside where it couldn't be tainted and pulled apart by any of their tormentors.
Even after everything, even when they tore apart worlds and spread their suffering, it remained untouched and preserved like a pressed flower.
Nightmare heaved out an exhausted sigh as they watched their rambunctious group laugh and loudly congratulate each other for a successful mission and recon. The negative spirit crinkled their nasal aperture at them all with displeasure until they tossed their muddy and battered shoes aside and slid on their slippers. The spirit had strictly forbidden them all from walking through their nicely kept manor in their disgusting footwear. None of them had questioned this quirk of theirs, writing it off as the spirit's high standards for all of them and for themself.
"I'd think you'd be a bit happier about this, Boss." Killer remarked with a mischievous grin on his face. "Things went almost too smoothly. No Stars, no hiccups, just smooth sailin'." He seemed rather pleased as he said this though Nightmare just couldn't muster up the same enthusiasm. Horror seemed to notice this, giving a soft rumbling noise in query. "Ahhh, he's fine. Just needs time to recoup away from all of us."
Nightmare gave the smallest of flinches, barely visible from the twitches in their tendrils.
"You sure you don't need anything?" Cross checked as Nightmare made their way toward the grand stairs instead. "I'll... take that as a no." He mumbled as they disappeared up the stairs, most likely toward their office.
"Sheesh, what's got his panties in a twist?" Killer muttered, earning a rough nudge in the ribs in response.
Nightmare tuned them all out, too tired and too used to it. They made their way past their office, the motivation to bury their thoughts away through literature completely sapped from their body. They decided to simply retire to their room altogether, leaning against the door as it closed behind them. They refused to cry about this, finding the fact that it even passed through their mind demeaning as they brushed it aside.
They were quickly pulled out of their wallowing as they noticed something settled in the center of their neatly made bed.
Nightmare's first reaction was to become incredibly alarmed. Their manor was warded and hidden away from the other worlds to the best of their abilities, which was nothing to sneeze at. The idea that someone was able to infiltrate their own home while they weren't here was more than concerning. As they approached this mysterious item with caution, however, they became more intrigued and confused by its appearance.
It seemed to be a small square box, wrapped tightly in gold paper and sitting innocently on their bed.
Nightmare had no idea what to make of this. Was this some sort of prank? Did the others break into their room just to leave this here as a way to gloat? That at least eased some of their anxiety about a potential break-in. It didn't make them any less pissed, but it was a step in the right direction.
"Idiots," Nightmare muttered as they picked up the box with one hand and gave it an uninterested once over. They couldn't imagine what they would have wrapped up in a box, and they honestly considered just tossing it in the trash. Still, they were curious enough to unwrap the delicate paper and set it aside, opening the lid of the small box with the same care.
They froze as they stared into the box for a moment.
Lying on a plush cushion inside of it was a bracelet. It was woven together tightly with dark green knots, white flowers linking each tight chain together. It reminded Nightmare momentarily of the daisy chains they used to make with their brother. They realized with mortification that a few treacherous tears had made their way past their socket, causing them to roughly rub at them with their sleeve.
"Is this some kind of sick joke?" The room remained quiet in the face of Nightmare's question, leaving them unsatisfied. There was no way any of their group could have made or even acquired such a thing; they wouldn't be caught dead doing so. That didn't answer the question of how it got here or who made it. They slowly withdrew it from the box despite their trepidation, admiring the perfectly complimented colours and soft fabric.
They quickly snapped themself out of it, setting the bracelet aside with a scowl.
A king like himself wouldn't wear something so...
The spirit deflated a bit as they sat back on their mattress, staring down at this empty box. They frowned as their fingers passed over what felt like paper, causing them to flip the box over curiously. Sure enough, there appeared to be some sort of note stuck to the bottom of the box. This all seemed a little too elaborate to be something their ineloquent group could arrange.
"For my delicate flower."
Nightmare startled at those four simple words, a faint flush spreading over their face as they reread the note several times.
This didn't seem real. What was going on??
"Someone... someone is fucking with me." Nightmare muttered as they made a move to crumple up the stupid note. They wavered, however, before they could give in to the impulse. Instead, they folded it neatly before sticking it in the drawer of their nightstand. No one needed to know about that.
"If I find out which one of them did this, they're going to be scrubbing the dungeons with their toothbrushes." Nightmare scowled as they tossed the box away with an irritated lash of their tendril, fully committed to that threat. Their eye trailed back down to the bracelet that lay discarded against their pillow. The spirit sighed as they picked it back up again, a soft look briefly passing over their face before they glanced away again.
It was rather small and unassuming...
With the assistance of their tendrils, they had soon fastened the woven bracelet around their wrist. They admired it a moment, a soft feeling at the core of their being kindling to life. It was swiftly extinguished the moment they rolled their sleeve down over it.
What a shame.
The next raid hadn't gone as smoothly. They couldn't all be perfect, Nightmare supposed.
They were all currently locked in an intense encounter with the Stars, fighting for control of the territory. Nightmare had left Error to deal with Ink, thankful that he had decided to appear this time around to mess with the creator. The rest of their group was split between further tormenting the creator or pushing Blue back with their brutal attacks.
Which left Nightmare with-
"Nightmare!"
The dark spirit scowled at the call, tendrils lashing out as Dream nimbly dodged the attack. Nightmare despised having to fight their brother, for more than one reason. Dream represented everything they weren't, all the things they couldn't have, and-
"Brother, please!"
That.
"Shut up!" Nightmare shouted as they only advanced further at the call. "I don't want to hear anything else from you unless it's a dying scream!" They knocked him aside with one tendril, hissing with pain as their twin held their staff between both hands to ward off the impaling strike.
"Why do we have to keep doing this Nightmare?!"
"You know why!" Nightmare wasn't about to have this song and dance again. Each time they got the martyr speech their patience grew just a little thinner.
"Please, bro-"
"DON'T," Nightmare coiled the tendril tightly around his neck, trying to choke the damn word out of his vocabulary. "Stop calling me that!" Each time the other even so much as breathed it, a sharp ping shot through their body like electricity. They'd rather take an entire barrage of arrows than hear him call them that.
Dream winced as he grasped onto the appendage currently strangling him. "Y...you are though...! You're... still my-"
"I was never your brother!" Nightmare felt that spike of rage ignite in their soul once more. They dragged him closer by the throat, nearly shaking with the pent-up rage. "You decided that for me!" They didn't think they could ever forgive him for that. A small part of themself knew it wasn't Dream's fault, not intentionally, but the rest of their scorned body wanted to inflict the same pain they had gone through.
"Wh-what are you talking about?" Dream winced as the tendril dragged him along the ground. "Nightmare, we-"
Nightmare didn't even remember doing it, but it felt like in the next blink of their eye they were on top of Dream. Any grace of trying to impale or slam him around was completely abandoned as they decided to solve this situation with their fists instead. There was so much frustration, so much wrath that they threw into each blow. They could barely even feel the paint that slathered their back, their entire focus on trying to crack through their brother's skull with their fists.
They soon felt themself being pulled off of their brother, though they tried their damnedest to resist so they could get just one more punch in.
"Nightmare, that's enough!" The spirit recognized Error's voice, realizing the other had ensnared them in his strings to pull them away. Nightmare wanted to curse the glitch for his audacity and betrayal, but words were far beyond them at this point.
Ink and Blue had rushed past the group to attend to Dream, seeming shocked and shaken up at how battered he was. They had never seen Nightmare lose their cool like that; they'd never resorted to something as barbaric as punching. They were usually more strategic and kept at a distance from all of them. Neither wanted to stick around and find out if they'd get the same treatment, retreating with the beaten spirit through an inky portal.
"Daaaamn, Boss!" Killer immediately called out once the Stars had vanished. "What was that all about? You lost your fucking mind on him!" He laughed as Nightmare continued to dangle in a mess of strings, Error looking less amused than Killer.
"Control yourself!" Error snapped as Nightmare writhed and panted a bit, the fight slowly leaving their body. "This is reckless behaviour I expect to see out of Dust or Killer!"
"Hey," Killer pouted immediately. Dust seemed to have no comments on this claim.
Nightmare nearly stumbled once they were dropped back onto their feet, feeling the delayed burning on their back from the attack they had taken. Their hands ached worse than the rest of their body, slightly cracked and stained with yellow liquid. They felt numb staring down at it, feeling untethered and suddenly entirely aware of the reality that this wasn't their real sentient body. They were a shapeless spirit trapped within it, which kickstarted their anxiety back up. They'd hated their body before the corruption and seeing the dark negativity staining their bones somehow brought that disgust to a whole new level.
"You have to keep it together out here or you'll get yourself killed!" Nightmare glanced back up at Error, distantly recognizing they were being yelled at. It didn't feel real though, none of it did. Nothing felt solid around them, and they were suddenly wondering if the rest of reality was untethered with them. The remaining four boys were watching Nightmare with a mixture of confusion, alarm, and fear. The spirit looked over all of them a moment before simply stepping back into a swirling portal.
"Nightmare!" Error hissed as they vanished, leaving him spitting a string of curses.
"Fuck... what was that all about?" Cross questioned as he glanced between everyone else. He could tell no one else had the slightest clue either.
Error was cooling off some of his own rage, but as he did, his own suspicions began to rise.
Nightmare had swiftly shut themself away in their bedroom, scrubbing at their bones to cleanse their brother's blood from their body in their master bathroom. If they scrubbed just the tiniest bit harder to try and rub the thick negativity away, well, no one needed to know about that. "What is wrong with me?" They hissed under their breath as they dried their hands on the decorative towels. "I've more decorum than that! Ugh... savagery." They griped before shrugging their jacket off. There was no use pretending this was going to be fixed overnight, and honestly, their shirt wasn't looking much better either.
Nightmare quickly pulled their hand up again, breathing a quiet sound of relief as the bracelet remained untainted. They were careful in removing it and setting it aside, taking the utmost care to ensure it remained clean and intact. They didn't make eye contact with themself as they moved to take a shower to wash away the remaining paint and grime sticking to their body. They leaned their forehead against the cool tiles as the warm water soothed their wounded back, sighing heavily as they took inventory of themself again.
They still felt a bit disconnected, but they were certainly more grounded than they had been.
They lingered under the spray of the shower for at least thirty minutes before finally forcing themself to get out. Try as they might, they were as clean as they were ever going to get. They pushed this depressing thought away as they reclasped the bracelet to their wrist, feeling a small bit of comfort at its presence. They sighed as they gave their ruined shirt and jacket another hard stare before moving to leave their master bathroom. They were sure they had some sort of t-shirt they could throw on for the time being.
They paused in the doorway once they saw another box on their bed.
Had that been there before? They didn't think so, but their mind had been so spaced out that it was very possible they simply didn't register it. The other alternative was that someone broke into their room while they were in the shower, which they really didn't want to think about.
They didn't think any of the others would have been bold enough to attempt something like this again, not after how Nightmare behaved in battle today. Despite not knowing who or where these were coming from, the spirit sat on the bed and took the note stuck to the box lid. The box seemed a bit larger than last time, but also slightly flat.
I've seen you shine in the moonlight when you thought no one was looking.
Nightmare wasn't certain if they should be mortified, flattered, or downright terrified.
This was sounding less and less like a joke the others were playing on them and more like they'd acquired a stalker. That, or a very passionate, very strange admirer, which the very thought made them huff in disbelief. Despite how unnerving the note was, they still folded it neatly and stored it away with the other. After sliding their drawer closed again, they removed the box lid and promptly balked at the sight.
"There's no way..." Nightmare whispered as they clutched the lid tighter. "There's no way. No one should..." They trailed off as they dropped the lid in order to retrieve the garment. It was soft in their hands, a deep blue colour that just showed against the dark corruption on their body. The sleeves ran the length of their arm, and they're certain they would barely leave their fingertips exposed. It was simplistic but elegant, and before they realized it they were already quietly crying.
This was ridiculous, they shouldn't be getting so emotional over gifts from a potential stalker!
But,
Nightmare slid off the bed, discarding the remaining clothes they had put back on that hadn't been smothered in paint. They hesitated for a moment before pulling the garment on, hitching their breath a bit as it fell to just below their knees. They brought their hands up a moment to view the sleeves, which hung down just as they thought they would. They were sheer enough for them to still see the dark green of the bracelet, and for the first time in what was probably decades, they wanted to see their reflection.
The spirit slid their eye over to the standing mirror, which still had a white sheet draped over it. Nightmare hadn't uncovered that mirror in a long time, and even as they stood clutching the edge of the sheet, they felt doubt.
This isn't what they were supposed to be like. This isn't how they were made.
The sheet began to slip from their fingers the longer they stood there hesitating.
What would the others say? What would they think if they saw their 'king' in such a state?
Despite it all, their hands tightened on the sheet once more. They had to know. They had to know with absolute certainty that this wasn't true; that what they were supposed to be didn't exist.
With a forceful pull, the sheet slid away from the mirror and pooled onto the floor. Nightmare still kept their head turned firmly away from the reflection, soul pounding in their chest as they fixed their eye on the wall. That last stretch was daunting, knowing just a turn of their head would potentially change their entire view of themself. They quietly wished, deep down in a place they didn't have to think about, that whoever was sending these gifts were here to give them that extra courage to face themself.
They supposed, however, they were in a way.
Nightmare exhaled shakily as they turned their head the slightest bit, peering through their peripheral. They quickly jerked their head the rest of the way, however, at the small glimpse they had seen. Their hands released the sheet they had still been clutching, shaking uncontrollably as they faced the mirror. They pressed their hands against their face, openly weeping into their palms.
This.
This was who she was supposed to be.
Error had stuck around a little while in the manor, waiting for an opportunity to get to the bottom of Nightmare's behaviour. There was nothing they could think of that would have accounted for their sudden aggression. He hadn't seen psychotic, bloodthirsty Nightmare in over a century. The rest of the group was also settled in the main lounge, seeming to appraise one another and theorize what had been going on with their leader.
"That's it, I'm going up there." Error spoke up after another stretch of silence, having officially lost his patience. No one bothered to protest, knowing he would still do it regardless of their opinions. Error glitched his way up to the door of Nightmare's study, twisting the doorknob and opening the door. He wasn't really all that surprised to see they weren't there as they were probably too wired up to read or do any work.
Error heaved out an annoyed sigh as he slammed the door, trudging the rest of the way down the hall to Nightmare's quarters. He was actually going to bother to knock, not wanting to walk in on them at an inconvenient time, but then he heard something.
He could hear weeping through the door.
That... wasn't something he'd ever experienced before. Sure he was plenty familiar with the screams and cries of those he had killed, but... not this. Never this.
Never Nightmare.
"Nightmare?" Error called out as he knocked on the door. He noticed how it instantly went quiet, causing him to give another impatient sigh. "Come on Nightmare, we all know something's up. You've been acting strangely for days now and you're obviously not gonna open up about it." He was the least qualified person to be doing this but he didn't think he'd be talking anyone else into doing it anytime soon.
"I'm," Error heard them clear their throat quickly, obviously trying to hide the break in their voice. "I'm fine, Error. I don't mean to worry any of you." They assured, to which Error rolled his eyes.
"Nightmare I don't know who you think you're fooling cause it's definitely not us." Error moved to twist the doorknob threateningly. "I'm gonna come in if you don't start talking." He threatened them. He felt a thump on the other side of the door, twisting the knob again and deducing Nightmare was holding it from the other side.
"No! Don't come in!" Nightmare called from the other side. Error was no negativity spirit, but he could certainly feel the terror coming off of the other.
"Then dammit Nightmare, say something!" Error gave another threatening shove of the door, daring them to try and tell him otherwise. He waited a few tense moments as the other continued to hold the door closed. "Nightmare-"
"Error, just..." Nightmare sighed from the other side of the door. "I don't want to do this but I don't think I can hide it anymore..."
Error furrowed his browbones at this, loosening his hold on the doorknob. "What do you mean? Hide what?" He continued to press. More silence followed his question, but he decided to give them time to sort out their thoughts.
"Please... I'm only asking you not to judge me too hard."
Error was surprised to hear the genuine vulnerability in their voice, stirring a feeling of concern that he tried to deny he had. "If it's something that serious Nightmare, I'm not gonna judge ya." He assured them. He wouldn't, it'd be kind of hypocritical of him at this point when Nightmare had literally seen him fall to pieces. He felt when Nightmare released the doorknob, leaving Error free to enter. The glitch took a moment to prepare himself for whatever lie beyond the door before finally opening it.
The room was dark, which wasn't all that surprising since it was almost always dark in this world. Error cursed his poor eyesight as he reluctantly pulled his glasses out and secured them to his face. Once he had blinked a few times and adjusted his eyes, he finally saw Nightmare come into focus.
The spirit looked devastated to see him, and Error felt like a piece of shit suddenly for being so forceful.
"Oh. Ohhh," Error finally clicked some of the pieces together in his head. That was what triggered that violent reaction from Nightmare. "Night... why didn't you tell us?" He couldn't fathom why the spirit would sit there and take such blatant misgendering for so long.
Nightmare looked confused by the question, turning her head away to avoid his stare. "What would I have said? How would anyone have taken me seriously? I'm supposed to be this dark entity, the king of nightmares and negativity." She scowled a bit in between tears, though she was doing a pretty good job forcing back sobs. She couldn't handle his expression as he stared into the last part of herself that hadn't been stolen from her.
Error was silent as he approached her, giving a heavy sigh as he stopped in front of her. "Nightmare... dammit, it's not about who you're supposed to be. Since when the hell has that ever stopped you from doing anything?" He scoffed. "Nightmare if that's not you, then don't force yourself into that role. Do you think you're any less powerful or worthy like this?" The silence that followed was loud, causing the glitchy god to give her a pitying look. "Gah... stop making me so fucking sad. I feel like an asshole..."
"None of you knew." Nightmare reminded him quietly. "I thought none of you knew, at least. But then this... feminine stuff began appearing in my room. I thought one of your were fucking with me but... I'm not actually sure whose been leaving these or how they know." She seemed frustrated that someone had seen through her after years of perfecting this tough kingly persona. "And now you know which means now the others have to know..." Nightmare pressed her hands against the sides of her skull, squeezing her socket shut. "This isn't how this was supposed to happen..."
"If it were up to you, it wouldn't have happened at all." Error moved to tug her hand a moment, glitches running up his arm. Nightmare gave him a wide-eyed look, shaking her head quickly. "What do you mean 'no'? Uh, yeah, we're doing this." He emphasized with another pull of her arm. "You've been sitting in the closet for centuries letting yourself be eaten alive by this fake identity you've made." He grasped her hand tighter, narrowing his eyes at her firmly.
"Now, I'm dragging you out of that closet, kicking and screaming."
Killer frowned as he glanced up toward the stairs again, anxiously flipping his knife in his hand.
"They've been up there a while."
The other three turned their heads in his direction, acknowledging his statement silently as they continued to wait. They were hoping Error would have some luck figuring out what was going on with Nightmare, but no one was holding their breath.
They all perked up when another glitchy portal appeared, Error exiting out of it with a frustrated sigh. The glitch looked between all of them, his stare intense enough to cause them to shrink in on themselves.
"Listen,"
They were definitely listening.
"I'm gonna make this real short and sweet before Nightmare completely bails. You're going to listen, and you're going to take it seriously, and you're not going to make any comments." His eyes were boring into Killer now, who held his hands up defensively. He wasn't about to try and be snarky when the other looked deadset on shredding him on the spot for breathing. "Good." Error glanced back at the portal, reaching half of his body through again as he seemed to struggle momentarily. He finally pulled himself back out, groaning as he held onto Nightmare's wrist that he'd managed to wrestle out of the other side.
"Come on, out you come." Error tugged on the wrist insistently and, finally, Nightmare forced herself to step all the way through. She remained quiet and her gaze was cast down at the floor, obviously more than terrified to be there. Error glanced at the four monsters before him, trying to judge their reactions with a careful eye.
They seemed pretty surprised, unsurprisingly.
"Nightmare? What's... what's going on?" Cross broached first, sitting forward a bit more as he tried to gauge her feelings. He could tell the dark spirit wanted nothing more than to go back into hiding where she had been before.
"I..." Nightmare attempted, unable to keep her voice from shaking. She felt like the small child trying to justify their daisy chains all over again. "I'm sorry... I thought I could bury this away inside me for the rest of my life. I was doing good but... everything just kind of fell apart." She spoke softly, glancing back up a moment. "I built a barricade around myself to hide, because this," She gestured to herself with a sharp frown. "Isn't what the world wanted me to be."
Nightmare could hardly bear the silence, almost wishing they'd start laughing or taking potshots over it. The silence only made her feel like there was a meager spark of hope.
Horror made a soft sound as he stood up fully from the couch. Error sidestepped the both of them, officially tapping himself out of this confrontation. Nightmare glanced up at him as the large monster gently took her hand. She instantly felt tears back at her socket at the gentle, nonjudgmental look he was giving her.
"It's...who you...want you to be."
Nightmare didn't think it would take so little, but in the face of such sincere acceptance, she crumbled entirely. Horror moved to hold her close as she wailed, a few tears of his own dotting the corners of his good socket. They could all tell she had been holding this in for far too long as the hurt and vulnerability tore from her body. Cross nearly slipped from standing up so quickly, circling around to the duo and placing a hand on her upper back soothingly. Killer had moved to hold her from behind, face twisted in concern as she sobbed into Horror. Dust was behind Horror, gently holding onto one of her hands with both of his.
Error took a few steps back, taking in the scene with a shaking sigh of relief. This certainly wasn't what he had set out to accomplish today but, well,
It would certainly do.
Nightmare left a note on her bedside table before she went to sleep.
To say Nightmare had issues with her identity wouldn't be doing it justice.
Somedays, she was acutely aware that the body she was in didn't congruently match how she felt. Other times, she was far too conscious of the fact that she was, indeed, a small genderless spirit trapped inside a physical body. It was enough to shake the foundation of even the most confident of monsters.
While it wasn't easy for her to finally step out there and try to be who she had been suppressing for centuries, it definitely helped to have people around you that wouldn't allow you to quit. Nightmare had been relieved with how naturally things had shifted within the group, and it felt as easy as breathing to live this new life.
It had certainly... startled some people.
Mainly her brother, who had been entirely confused confronting Nightmare dressed so delicately in battle for the first time. This was the only time he had used the word 'brother' again.
He learned his lesson swiftly.
He was not cruel about it, however, even going so far as to apologize for his part in her struggle. It didn't fix much between them, but a part of Nightmare she tried to ignore felt healed from the admittance.
Nightmare continued to receive rather generous gifts from time to time, never having pinned down who had been the one that started it all.
That was, until today.
Nightmare sat patiently in a peaceful newer universe, Flowertale. She usually wasn't one for positive bright worlds but, she could make an exception for this one. She was midway through a daisy chain before she retrieved the 'gift' she had received that day. She shook her head a bit before tossing it over her shoulder, hearing it shatter somewhere behind her on a cobblestone pathway. She didn't bother to move, sitting in the flower field as she threaded her flowers together.
"So,"
She took a moment to admire her creation, setting it aside and turning her head to look behind herself. "How did you know?"
"Pfft, what do you mean?"
Nightmare rolled her eye as she turned back to her work, beginning to start her work on a proper flower crown. She listened to the careful steps they took through the flowers until they stood a few feet away from her. She looked up at them with an expectant look.
Ink crouched down to settle in front of her, grinning smugly as he did so.
"Who do you think made you, you?"