Work Text:
Ganondorf thought going for a camping trip in the Lost Woods with his fellow antagonists would do them all some good.
He was wrong.
It seemed these days he always was.
After a day filled with long, winding hikes following an increasingly irritating tune that none of them(save Ghirahim) were, as it turns out, fit for after spending years cooped up in centuries-long seals and evil lairs, muddy, aching soles and hordes of mosquitoes that bit into their psyches as much as they did their skins, they sat up camp on the border of a meadow. The sun had set shortly after.
At present, they huddled around the fire; telling stories to ease the night away-- The only thing a party of severely insomniac horrors could do, far too sore to even think about sparring. Save Ghirahim. Rabid creature. Ganondorf sighed, nudging Cia's head from his side again. She was sleepy. They all were. It was Zant's turn. Brilliant of a tactitian as he may be, storytelling was clearly not his forte. With a final, unwieldy, stuttering line, the usurper raised his arms, and slumped.
Ganondorf pursed his lips.
"Well, at least I won't be needing my meds tonight."
Zant stood, silent and almost still. Almost. The nigh-twelve years spent in his company had given Ganondorf a keen eye to the Twili's petulant trembles, set off at the mere thought of rejection. Ganondorf made to twist his thin lips into something resembling a fatherly smile.
Clearly, it didn't work.
"I-- I tried! Alright! I'm well aware it's in need of polish, but give me some time, and I'll--"
Ganondorf opened his mouth to speak.
"I'll say, the magical liopleurodon was a pleasant addition," Ghirahim hummed, with an attempted air of coolness. His heel kicked restlessly. Cia's nose twitched. They all braced themselves for the inevitable question. "Say, would anyone care to join me in a lovely walk around our fine locale?"
"It will not be a 'lovely walk,' and you know it!" Cia spat.
"Oh, always assuming my intentions..."
"Look, Ghirahim, we're not all forged from diamonds," Volga breathed, heavily.
Ghirahim snapped to face him. "I will have you know I'm forged from an alloy of reinforced steel, mythril, orcichalcum, and--"
"And rainbows?" Yuga didn't even look up from his EyePad Sky 7, stylus hard at work.
"Why, you--!"
"That will be enough," Ganondorf called, like a preschool teacher. Gods, had it really come to this? He breathed in, slowly. "Why don't we all take a moment to settle down?" He smiled. "Maybe someone else would like to volunteer for storyteller?"
Murmers of 'no thanks,' 'I'd rather not,' and 'thank you for asking' rose and fell. Ghirahim raised his hand, the other folded politely on his lap. A resounding sigh fell across the camp.
"Why! Go ahead. We could do with some energy."
Ghirahim's lips curled into a meek smile. "Thank you, Master." He looked almost cute with those large eyes and small, pointy little features-- Like some breed of deranged anime girl. It was very endearing, when it wasn't unsettling.
He took his cue, and stood up. Zant settled down, squeezing beside Ganondorf. No sooner had the Demon Lord opened his mouth, when,
"Orcichalcum..."
Dark Link snickered.
Ghirahim flared into an embodiment of pure fury.
"You!"
"H--"
He fell upon the shadow with a roar, pummelling him with iron fists. Dark yelped, kneeing the demon in the stomach and sending him onto his back with a cry. The demons then rose, and made for each others' throats. Chants of 'fight! fight! fight!' filled the air.
"That's enough!" Ganondorf bellowed. He reared up, and made to step between the two only to stumble as they slammed against him. He fell into the fire, yelling as his hair burst into flames. No, no, no--! It'd taken him three hundred years to grow out his mane, and he wasn't going to lose it now!
As the Demon King rolled on the ground, Dark Link finally got the upper hand and tore Ghirahim's hair with all his might. The demon made a soul-splitting screech akin to a Redead thrown into a Vitamix 5200 Blender (Editor's Choice) with an army of cats and some broken glass. The whole wood shook with it, and the sky filled with swarms of rising birds, blotting out the moon. Zant screamed, falling back into a pile of barbecue equipment. The rest ceased their chanting to look up in awe. Some shit landed on Onox' shoulder. Alot of it, actually. Just on him.
When Ganondorf finally arose, having lost an inch of his locks, all had gone still. Maybe, maybe he could somehow save this.
Then the earth cracked.
A tower of black flames erupted. Ganondorf flew to his duffle bag and snatched out one of the 249 bonnets he'd packed and threw it on; it was covered in the visage of Hatsune Miku; the exact same texture as his binder--
Demise rose from the crack, shrouded in smoke and blazing like hellfire. With a clap of their hands, it slammed shut-- Only for their toes to get stuck, unclap, shake the entire woods and have Volga's Limited Edition Neon Genesis Evangelion Metallic Water Bottle slip into the crack, clap again to finally shut it just as the berserker made to get it.
"No... Please no... Not my Limited Edition Neon Genesis Evangelion Metallic Water Bottle!"
"Silence!" Demise bellowed.
And silence there was, as Demise glowered at them like the all-enveloping bearer of evil they were. Even Yuga tensed as he continued to scribble away. The god's eyes fell upon Dark Link and Ghirahim. They stomped over, and grabbed them both by the nape of their collars.
"You two!"
"Mo-- Master, I--"
"Just what did you think you were doing?! You woke the entire country!"
"It's not my fault! This brat made a mockery of my materi--"
"'S only fair! Y'bit mai arm when I was three!"
"That was because--"
"Enough! We're going home. You are going to apologise to the neighbours-- Both of you! Mr. Crescent had only just managed to get Kirby and Jigglypuff to go to bed after two very long hours." They paused, sighing wistfully. "It's Pichu's first day of preschool tomorrow. They grow up so fast."
And with that, the Demon King hoisted the miserable pair onto their monstrous shoulders, opened a portal to Hell, and was gone.
Ganondorf hadn't even gotten to ask them about the state of his beloved goldfish, Vincenzo.
Deep breaths.
He could do this.
He could make this all work.
"...Right then!" He stood up, smiling painfully wide. He clasped his hands together. "Why don't we do something else?"
"Like what?" Cia drawled, setting down her sewing WIP of a doll wearing a suspiciously familiar green tunic and cap.
"Like Kahoot!" He looked around, seeing some heads cock favourably at the idea. "How about it? Hey, Yuga!"
The Lorulian flinched. Setting aside his pen, he replied "Yes?"
"Any trouble lending us your device?"
He blinked. Twice. His mouth opened to speak, and just, hung there. Unmoving. Ganondorf cocked his head.
"Is anything the matter?"
"Just... one moment."
Frantically, Yuga began searching for his pen-- Face knotted in bewilderment --And as he did, he lifted himself up, leaned to the side, and--
The tablet slipped. Face down.
Everyone stared.
Yuga swallowed, and blinked.
Tentatively, he reached out, pulling it towards him, tilting it up with the utmost care...
It fell backwards.
A wave of cold shock ran through the encampment. Yuga looked like he was going to puke, faint, or die-- Or all three at the same time.
"I-It was a Twitter comission-- I-I--"
No one said anything. No one could. No one needed to. Onox shifted, still covered in bird shit.
"I mean, all things considered, the shading is nice-- Especially on the." He stopped there. There was no saving this.
Any of this.
Ganondorf was still going to try. If the Dragmire clan was anything, it was persistent. Once again, donning his best fatherly smile-- Which wasn't very fatherly, or good -- He -- Infact, it looked like he'd just murdered a bowling alley full of preteen ewoks -- brought his hands into a steeple pose.
"Nevermind that. Anyone still up for a good game of Kahoot?"
Silence remained. A single cricket chirped. Ganondorf looked like a fool. A big, bumbling, awkward, socially-inept fool of a king--
"...Maybe we make some s'mores?" Zant piped.
"Excellent idea, Zant! Always knowing what to do," The Twili blushed, deeply, burying his helmed-face in his sleeves. "Wizzro!"
The wraith was sent practically flying out of his stupour.
"Hiya...hi...hiy...hiya-- Y...Yes?!" Ganondorf surpressed a snort. They were all tired, they were all tired, they were all...
"You were the one packing the snacks, right?"
"Wh-- Yes...? Why?"
"We're making s'mores."
The wraith blinked, opening his eye, then blinked again. "Oh. That's nice." Pause. "Why did you need me to do it?"
Ganondorf shifted. "Just wanted to get everybody involved. It's not often we go out like this, you know..."
Wizzro shuffled over to their anime-stickered Kia Carnival Seven-Seater(which they had borrowed from King Dedede and even still barely managed to fit inside), mumbling something about 'camp-counsellors' and 'mid-life crises.' Whatever he meant by it, Ganondorf was sure he was well past his mid-life. As much as any immortal death-defying boar therian schooled within the dark arts can be. Wizzro opened the trunk, and after taking out nine or so bags, pulled out one the size of a well-stuffed beanbag-- A beanbag for Hinoxes, that is. Several long minutes were spent shuffling about, with nothing but the crinkling of plastic, foil, the sloshing of three whole 2-Litre Diet Cherry Cokes and the chirping of crickets, until Wizzro stopped. And blinked.
"Anything the matter?" Ganondorf's brows knit.
"Someone ate all the chocolate."
"Someone did wHAT?!" The whole wood shook once more. The earth trembled, threateningly. "Sorry!" He turned back to the camp. "What do you mean someone ate all the chocolate? We packed at least a week's worth, if not more!"
"Well then I don't know what to tell ya, boss! Someone, somehow, managed to eat all the chocolate."
Ganondorf seethed. This was absurd-- Preposterous, even! Utterly so! Unbelievable! He stood up, pacing to the centre of the gathering by the fire(though not too close), hands clasped behind his back. The firey back-glow cut fearsome shadows along his features. All his minions, all his dark kin could only gaze in terrible awe upon their radiant king; Zant trembled, like he'd been thrown in the Pear Wiggler. You could even make out the Thomas Jefferson Miku Binder beneath his immaculate Metallica tank top. Very beautiful, very powerful.
"My good fellows," A deep clearing of the throat followed, echoing through the woods. Everyone shifted. "As we have been informed, one among you has consumed all of the chocolate,"
A deep breath. A smothering silence.
"And I would like to know who."
The miserable crowd bursted into a wave of agitated murmurs, everyone huddling around in their little cliques. Soon, a name flew and the volume surmounted with the terrible spark-- And it only worsened from there.
"Wizzro did it!" Veran shouted. "He had to! He was the one who packed the snacks!"
A series of eyes fell on Wizzro. He heaved up, his one eye wide despite the grogginess, and spat back, "That would be awfully convenient for you, wouldn't it, Veran? Blaming it on a little old wraith like me? For shame! I'm beginning to believe you're doing it to tip them off!"
Veran's eyes widened, then narrowed. "And what exactly do you mean by that?"
Wizzro blinked, and smirked; all his teeth in horrible disarray. "Your diet."
Onox shot up, scrambling to Veran's side. "Enough of that! You know Veran's insecure about keeping her figure!" He put a hand on the whimpering sorceress, shushing her. Snickers broke out.
"You know she's not gonna fuck you," came a hitherto unheard voice.
Onox's head snapped up. Veran's whimpering stopped.
"How dare you assume mine and Veran's affections are of such a perverse--"
"Hey! Hey! Order! Order!" Ganondorf clapped his hands.
"--Clearly it was you who ate all the chocolate, foul fiend!"
Yuga balked.
"No, not you. The mask!"
From behind Yuga, Majora's Mask rose up on a pair on legs. Just the legs. Really muscular fucking legs.
"Yes! You! Answer me! Did you eat all the chocolate?!"
There was a pause.
"I don't even have a mouth."
Another pause.
"And she's still not gonna fuck you."
Onox gauped, ready for another retort... but his jaw slacked. His mouth shut. He mumbled a few things under his breath, Veran rolled her eyes and mumbled back. There was silence. He gave a few, stiff, brotherly pats on her shoulder, before uncomfortably scooching aside.
Ganondorf took this moment to regain their attention.
"With that aside," He clasped his hands together. "We still need to know who ate the chocolate."
An awful decision, considering it sent the whole crowd into a blind, frothing fervour again.
"Onox done it!"
"Zant did it, he must've!"
"I did not! I would nev--"
"Children," Ganondorf said.
"Do you think Dark might've had it, before he got dragged off?"
"Him and Ghirahim-- Wouldn't put it past him! No wonder he's been so jumpy."
"Children," Ganondorf came, again.
"Ghirahim would never! He's always been loyal and studious, ever a keeper of ord--"
"Are we sure Wizzro didn't actually eat it?"
"Don't you fucking dare start this shit aga--"
Ganondorf opened his mouth, and was about to let out a devastating bellow that would have shattered all their eardrums and the glass in the brawling-cat-filled Vitamix 5200 Blender (Editor's Choice), as well as all the bark in a 3.452 mile radius, only for someone else to do the exact same thing but differently:
"Enough!"
Silence fell, and hard.
As did the blood from their ears.
She took a deep breath, her shoulders sinking.
"I did it."
"You, Cia?" Ganondorf's brow furrowed. "But why?"
She shuffled uncomfortably, eyes shifting. She beckoned Ganondorf, and when he kneeled down, face scrunched like a raisin, she leaned in and whispered something in his ear. Then everyone else did the thing where they look like they're not trying to eavesdrop to the conversation, but they obviously were, and it was just, it was shit if I'm gonna be honest. Like come on, give the woman a little privacy, will you? Nosy twats; highschooler mentality, if I'm honest.
However, because their eardrums were blasted out from said woman's decleration of chocolate theft(and consumption) that wouldn't heal for seven business days, they couldn't hear shit. Served them right. What wasn't so right, however, was that Ganondorf also had his eardrums blasted to shit, so whenever Cia would say something, he'd yell "WHAT?!" very loudly, only to remember when she'd irritably tap his shoulder.
After several mishearings, half a dozen allusions attempting to tip-toe around the issue, and another half a dozen terms referencing various predatory animals gaining popularity in the 2010s onwards and thus losing themselves on Ganondorf's several-milennia-old boomer ears, Ganondorf let out a long, "Ahhhhh!", promptly thumping Cia on the back so she fell face-first into the dirt, smearing her makeup even more.
"Why didn't you tell me! We could've packed another two weeks of chocolate!"
Cia dusted herself off, grumbling.
"Well at least that's sorted," Wizzro humphed, glaring at Veran. Except it was his mouth. So he had to blink, and then glare-- And by that point, it really wasn't that effective, now was it?
"Say, even without the chocolate, would it not do us well to roast some marshmallows and have some biscuits? We could even pick up storytelling, again."
A series of dejected murmurs filled the camp, again. Ganondorf sighed. They were two companions, a bag of chocolate, and a couple hairs of his less than when they'd began. Probably down a few gallons of sense less, too. Oh, and the eardrums, as well. Seven to eight business days for that to heal up-- And until then, he'd be heading to work with damaged hearing. He sighed, again. Menacing organ recitals would not be a part of the schedule-- Not if he wanted them to sound menacing, at least.
That ear infection he'd gotten while working on Twilight Princess had thrown a wrench into matters, to say the least.
"Very well, then," His hands fell to his side, swaying. "Off to bed with you."
"...Did we even set up the tents?" Volga piped, for the first time since his Limited Edition Neon Genesis Evangelion Metallic Water Bottle fell into the earth's gaping maw.
"Why do I even bother?!"
Everyone winced. Ganondorf threw off his Miku bonnet, and dropped to the ground, arms and legs crossed; the ultimate pretzel position, if you will. Just a little less ultimate than... whatever it was that Zant did while they were making Twilight Princess.
He was overwhelmed and they had to work that into the script.
Alot of things happened during Twilight Princess, quite frankly.
Alot of things Ganondorf preferred not to think about.
Like that one time all the bosses got together on a weekend in Telma's Bar and decided to play str--
"My liege, are you well?"
Ganondorf looked up. It was Zant.
"Mind if I settle down here a moment?"
Ganondorf tried to muster a smile, but it fell. "Of course."
And so Zant did just that. The fire crackled, sputtering the last of its warmth.
"Y'know, I nice, slow heat like this would be good for cooking..." Ganondorf's shoulders slumped.
"Look, you tried."
Ganondorf grunted.
"I mean it-- I mean, look, I made a fool of myself back there, but you still appreciated it, didn't you?"
Despite the nonsensical, wildly paced plot cobbled together like reminiscent of one of those "meam vidyoes" Riju tried to show him at several family gatherings, Ganondorf had. He nodded.
"It's not easy, trying to wrangle all of us in for a nice day out-- Maybe you'll have to try a few more times to get it going; maybe it's something better off done with fewer people; who knows --But if there's one thing you ought to know, is that despite all of this, I'm glad I got to spend time with you today."
"Even when we got lost in the Lost Woods for five hours?"
"Even when we got lost in the Lost Woods for five hours."
"Still, I feel someone ought to sanction a law that'd get that insufferable little shit fined--" He stopped. "I need a nap."
"And maybe some food?"
"And maybe some food."
They both laughed, choking, snorting and wheezing. A weight fell off of Ganondorf's shoulders.
"Thanks, Zant. I really needed that."
Zant smiled. Ganondorf couldn't see it, because he still had that weird tongue-guard apparatus rolled down, but he had a hunch.
"I'm glad."
"You know he still won't fuck you, though."
"Shut your whore mouth, Majora--!"
Immediately, Ganondorf's migrane resumed.
He hadn't even known he'd had one.
What he did know, though, was that he was in no mood to break up whatever horrendous psychadelic abomination of a brawl those two were locked in. If Zant wanted to get his ass kicked bumbling into stupid violent encounters with a mask that had its head screwed on far tighter than him despite not even possessing one, then so be it. He didn't care. not. one. bit....
He huffed. And then snorted. Both snot and saliva managed to clog his airways that time. Sucks ass when that happens.
However, when an eclipse began to form in the mangled, AI-generated heavens, enticing the cries of all Hyrule, Ganondorf was forced to haul himself off his ass. The earth began shaking, so it wasn't a very successful attempt, but he managed.
"Fucking cut it!"
Majora, who'd had all tendrils but one wrapped around Zant's wailing, flailing, probably pants-pissing form, the one ready to strike, risen high, high in the sky framed by the blackened moon snapped its newly-grown head to face Ganondorf.
"Everyone else is trying to get some damn sleep! Can you think about anyone but yourselves for once?!" He seethed. "Pichu's having their first day of preschool tomorrow; how do you think they'd feel, now that you've gone ahead and fulfilled sign one of Armegeddon?"
"We--"
"How do you think they feel???"
"We're sorry!" Zant choked. "We didn't mean anything by iT--" He was immediately cut off by Majora tightening the tendril around his throat. He squeaked like a chew toy.
"Put him down, Majora! Or we're not letting you on the XBox!"
And just like that, Zant came crashing down.
Right on Volga's head.
An explosive bout of swearing broke out, and this time, Ganondorf was powerless to stop it. The earth split. The magma poured. Wood burned and hill scorched. From the thick, black cloud of ashes came their collective great-great-great-great-great-grandmotherfather, eyes ablaze, hair ablaze, comically small plastic-bagged goldfish in sickle-clawed hand.
"Hey! You're not supposed to put goldfish in--"
Demise shoved him aside, dropping the goldfish into his hands. Ganondorf opened his mouth to retort, then stopped. The message was clear: he fucked up.
"Oh Vincenzo," he sighed. "We're really in it now."
Within minutes, the anime-stickered Kia Carnival Seven-Seater was loaded up, and everyone packed inside. Acrid smoke filled the air, the violent flames licking his cheek-- Yes, yes, Ganondorf knew this setting all too well-- He'd experienced it in many a cutscene. Why always flames? Who fucking knew. The director said it was for a "visual brand" or some shit, but Ganondorf thought it was repetitive, and kinda felt like he was stealing Sephiroth's jig-- Y'know, the guy known for burning down a village? Like, sure, Ganondorf had probably done that... at some point, probably several points, but did anyone actually ever see--?
"Get in, loser!" Demise hollered. "We're heading home!"
Ganondorf sighed, again, his migrane pounding like a motherfucker, his body finally succumbing to the fact he hadn't slept all day. He stumbled up to the vehicle, made it to the front passenger seat, reached for the handle,
And promptly passed out.
This lead to everyone having to haul his ass inside; a major feat, considering most of the team was comprised of scrawny sorcerer-types and most of their muscle was either out of commission or deeply wounded; physically and emotionally. Also there was the fire. Alot of fucking fire. And not everyone was immune.
Somehow, someway, they managed. And with that, they made their escape; buying time before the Great Deku Tree inevitably caught wind of it and served up a property damage lawsuit to Hyrule Crooks - Ganondorf & Co. Inc., again.
And so it was, that not even a day into their camping trip, everyone was sent wheeling back into their soul-crushing 9-to-5s, with even less sanity to withstand them.
But hey, maybe it would work out next time.
Maybe.