Chapter Text
Darcy Lewis had a political science degree - summa cum laude, thank you very much - and one internship with an astrophysicist on her resume and apparently this was qualification enough to work as personal assistant for a rag tag group of super heroes who just wanted to save the world.
She was not going to argue.
She followed behind Jane and Thor as they stood at the threshold of an incredibly messy lab work space. There was the sound of a scuffle coming from inside. “I am sorry, Jane, I let them know to expect you-” Thor began, but was interrupted.
“You can come in! We’re in the back!”
Thor grimaced, and gingerly led through towards the sound of the voice, stepping over mechanical bits and pieces, stacks of papers, the remains of what had likely been an epic Nerf Arrow war, and other miscellany that Darcy couldn’t even identify. Besides, she was more focused on the three Starbucks cups she was balancing in the very inadequate holder the very inadequate barista had provided her with - who argued over how many espresso shots you could put into a cup, if she was going to pay for them? Or got fussy over the fact that she wanted soy, and cinnamon, and some peppermint in the Chai Latte, if she was going to pay for them? At least Jane’s order was easy.
“Bruce?” Thor boomed. “Tony?”
Two heads poked up from behind some sort of...robot-thing. Darcy wasn’t sure what to expect - she’d seen the footage, read the news clippings - but this was not quite it. Stark’s facial hair did not disappoint, but he looked more the mad-cap inventor than genius billionaire playboy philanthropist. Grease was smudged across his face and his hair was everywhere. Dr. Banner was sort of as advertised, though a lot cuter in person, especially with the glasses.
Both of them stood up to greet Jane, shaking hands.
“I’ve been really impressed with your work, Dr. Foster,” Dr. Banner began, “I read your paper on...” and thus began a rapid fire exchange between the three with of them, with Jane largely demurring but quietly holding her own. Thor beamed, proud.
“I brought beverages,” Darcy said, setting them down on the only clean space she could find. “The one with the little useless stir stick in it is the chai.”
“Oh, thanks, great,” Dr. Banner mumbled, and he and Stark reached for their cups at the same time. Their hands sort of brushed, and Dr. Banner looked down for a moment before Stark grabbed both and handed the chai over.
“So, what’s this?” Jane asked, squatting down in front of the mechanical thing. More rapid fire science followed, and Darcy raised her eyebrows. Thor smiled at her - she wasn’t sure if it was a good thing, or not, that she and Thor were on the same page.
“Do you guys need anything else?” she asked. This was, after all, a paying job - paying more money than she had ever expected to earn in a year with a liberal arts degree, and that was after the free room and board.
There were, it seemed, advantages to getting stuck in the middle of Earth’s first contact with alien-gods.
“JARVIS will let you know,” Stark said, and he smiled at her. “Big Guy, can you show Ms. Lewis to her room?”
“Certainly,” Thor said, and they began to gingerly backtrack their way out of the work space. Once the door slid behind them, Thor clapped a hand on her shoulder and she nearly stumbled forward, but then regained herself. “I think the Lady Jane will be very happy here,” he said. “Bruce and Tony spend much of their time in the lab, working on very impressive things.” I bet that’s not all they’re doing, Darcy thought, but she just smiled.
* * * *
“I thought I was getting a room,” Darcy said, eyeing the suite suspiciously - there was a bedroom, with all of the items she had shipped already set up, an office with StarkTech that made her make grabby hands, and a living area with a large screen television. Not to mention the bathroom.
“It is actually smaller than my quarters,” Thor said.
“Well, I’m about half of you, so, that works out,” Darcy said.
“Come. I will introduce you to everyone else.” Darcy smiled, and told herself, it’s cool, it’s cool...just going to go and meet Captain America and that really scary assassin chick and...the other guy. With the arrows, and the bulging arms.
The computer - AI, she corrected herself - told them that Captain America and Agent Romanov were in the gym, so Thor trotted her down there, pointing out the various landmarks on the way. “This is where we have movie nights on Tuesdays and every other Thursday,” he said. “It is an official team bonding exercise.” He said the last three words slowly, and Darcy had to smile.
They stopped at the end of the hall, where Thor rapped lightly on a door. “It’s really not a good time-” came a voice from inside, but that didn’t seem to deter Thor - apparently he was just checking for whether the occupant was conscious.
“Son of Coul!” Thor said. “This is our new...assistant, Darcy Lewis. She was previously Lady Jane’s handmaiden. I believe you briefly met her in New Mexico?”
Darcy smiled at what had to be Agent Phil Coulson, hero, who was upright in a hospital bed with a few tubes going in and out of his chest, IVs and machines crowded around him, and a massive stack of paperwork on a desk that had slid over his bed.
“I, um, thought that I would just be working with-”
Agent Coulson gave her a dry smile and raised eyebrows. “We all do, in the beginning.”
“Well, great,” Darcy said, because seriously, what do you do with a guy who’s been stabbed through the chest by an angry, raging whatever-the-hell-Thor’s-brother-was? “Let me know if you need anything.”
“Oh, I will,” he said, and picked up a very expensive pen and returned to the stack of paperwork.
“Tony Stark moved Son of Coul in after he was released from SHIELD’s intensive care unit,” Thor said. “I overheard some of the conversation. Apparently we are keeping him, because Director Fury is a lying liar who lies.” Thor nodded, almost sagely, and then guided her towards the elevator.
The gym was not what she expected, either - she thought, hyped up Bally, but this was another marvel. There was a shooting range, a sparring ring, a gymnastics mat...and just about anything else a super-hero could want, she supposed. No elliptical, though. She was so awed by everything that it took her a moment to realize that the two people they were looking for were in the center of the sparring ring, grappling with each other.
Darcy opened her mouth, because it didn’t seem to be a fair fight - but then Agent Romanov slipped out of Captain America’s grasp, twisted around, did an elaborate back flip, dodged a punch, kicked him in the stomach, and then flipped him over. She put a foot on chest. “Yield?” she asked, voice cool, as though she hadn’t even broken a sweat.
“Yield,” he said, genially, and oh God, Darcy thought as he stood up, it was possible that his ass was the most perfectly sculpted ass since-
“Captain! Widow!” Thor boomed. “Lady Jane has arrived, along with our new assistant!”
Agent Romanov easily vaulted out of the ring, followed by Captain America, smiling with - Darcy decided she just needed to stop herself, because everything about him was perfect, and he had been designed that way, so there was really no need to pontificate on it.
“Hello,” she said, extending a hand. “I’m Darcy Lewis.”
“Natasha Romanov, but please, Natasha,” said Agent Romanov, cocking her head, potentially thinking of the thirty-four different ways she could kill Darcy right then.
Captain America’s hand shake was much more vigorous, with the obligatory three pumps up and down and big, broad smile. “Steve,” he said.
“I have introduced Darcy to everyone save for the Hawk,” Thor said. “Do you know where he may be? JARVIS said he was between-”
“Oh, he’s probably crawling around in the air ducts again,” Agent Romanov said, and smiled at Darcy. “He does that. Watch for Nerf arrows.”
“Good to know, thank you,” Darcy said. “So, if you need anything...”
“Anything?” Agent Romanov asked.
“Well, I’m supposed to be largely assisting Jane, but-”
“I’ll keep that in mind, Ms. Lewis, thank you,” Agent Romanov said.
“I’m sure you’ll be spending plenty of time with the coffee,” Captain America said, basically oozing earnesty. “That’s probably really important - the coffee.”
“Thank you,” Darcy said. “I gathered that might be a significant part of the job description.” Steve beamed at her. He was basically the human embodiment of a labrador retriever - although, not entirely, because that raised issues of bestiality, and so...
“Wonderful!” said Thor. “You are not too tired to spar, Captain?” Thor asked. He shook his head in response, leaving Darcy with Natasha Romanov.
“Weeeelll...” she said. “I should probably go and see about...the coffee...” She smiled.
As she made her way back to the elevator, a nerf arrow hit her in the shoulder. She grinned, looking up at the air ducts, but she didn’t see anything. Attached to the arrow was a small slip of paper. Welcome to the Asylum, it read.
* * * *
It took Darcy a day and a half to break through to talk to the occupants of the science of lab, who failed to acknowledge unless, predictably, coffee or tea was involved. She felt a little silly, though, getting paid to just retrieve coffee.
“Fuck, I don’t know what you should do,” Stark said. “Ask Pepper.” Jane peered up from her notes, hair in her face, and shrugged her shoulders.
So Darcy asked Pepper. “Well, let’s see...” Pepper said, walking back and forth in an imposing, structured suit and sky high heels, “Groceries - there’s a list, on the fridge, you should be able to tell the real needs from the jokes-”
“Like buttplugs?” Darcy asked, because she had looked at the list over breakfast and almost did a spit take with her coffee when she found it right between carrots and paper towels.
“Yes,” Pepper said, clicking on her StarkPhone as she walked. “Keeping on top of the Tower Maintenance for the Avengers - Tony has a cleaning staff come in - making sure we have enough punching bags for Steve, other supplies, keep them from annoying Phil too much and make sure he takes his medicine, manage any personal engagements - I’ve got an assistant to take care of Tony, so that mostly leaves you with Steve - and make sure they don’t kill themselves. Or each other.”
“Right,” Darcy said. She had been dutifully taking notes.
“You should write down the last two - I’m sorry, I was being serious there. Those are the most important.”
“I see,” Darcy said. “Kill themselves, like, boom?” She made a small explosion hand motion.
“There's nothing you can do about boom," Pepper said, smiling slightly. "So it's best not...More like, Tony, for example, has little regard for things like nutrition, sleep, proper human interaction...” There was something bitter, there, and Darcy made a note to herself - check and see if P and T still dating?. “Bruce, too, though he’s a bit better because...well. The others are alright about looking after themselves, though Clint worries me sometimes - and then, of course, each other.”
“I see. So...mediating personality conflicts?”
“At first. But you should try and ensure personality conflicts don’t occur. They’re a volatile mix - well, not Tony and Bruce. They were, clearly, separated at birth.” More bitterness. check and see if T and B = fucking, Darcy wrote, and smiled. “Other combinations - Tony and Clint, for example, should never be allowed in the same room alone together - the seafood incident attests to that - and Bruce, while seemingly mild-mannered, is a complete troll. He tried to convince Steve that the illegal immigration problem in America was the result of Canadians fleeing their despotic dictator and beer manufacturing labor camps.” She sighed. “That should take care of it.”
“Sooo....” Darcy said. “Just to be clear, when they said, do you want a job as an assistant, they really meant...baby-sitter?”
Pepper flashed her a grin, looking up from her phone for the first time. “You would be surprised how many job descriptions boil down to that.”
Hmmm... Darcy thought, trying to figure out how, if and when the time came, she would distill that onto a resume.
* * * *
Darcy finally met Clint Barton in the kitchen when she was making lunch for the erstwhile scientists. “Grilled cheese?” he asked, and she turned, almost flinging the sandwich she was trying to flip into the stove’s backsplash.
“Stealth,” she managed to get out, because she was mostly looking at his exposed arms. He was wearing a Mickey Mouse t-shirt with the sleeves cut off. She supposed it was meant to be ironic.
“It’s in the job description,” he said, as she salvaged the grilled cheese. He sat on the table, putting his feet on the chair, and smiled at her.
“Erhm, would you like one? There’s tomato soup, too.”
“Seriously?” he said. “Why didn’t we get you sooner?”
“Oh, I just graduated,” she said. “And I guess you guys were kinda busy for awhile, you know, saving the world.”
He shrugged his shoulders and she passed him a sandwich, then followed with a bowl of soup in a plastic container. “And you’re OK?”
“Yeah, more than,” she said. “This place is...well.” He dunked half the sandwich into the soup and jammed it in his mouth. She knew that it should decrease his attractiveness, and yet... “Who would have thought - you take an internship with an astrophysicist, taser an alien-god, and...” He nodded, as though he understood - she supposed, though, when you were a master assassin who used an archaic weapon that there was, probably, a similarly strange conflation of life events that got you there, too. Or something.
“You have any, like, questions, or..?”
“Oh, thank God,” she said. “You’re the first person who has offered to - um, OK, Tony and Pepper?”
“Both claim an amicable break-up, though from what I saw - er, the security footage shows, I would question that. Apparently the whole nuking-outer-space-thing put her over the edge.” He shrugged.
“Tony and Bruce?” she said, trying to sound ambiguous and not imply.
“The bestest of friends. Science bros, if you will. Who would have thought - the more-often-than-not mild mannered Dr. Banner and Stark? But, super heroes and strange bedfellows and blah blah blah.” He grinned at her. “And, anticipating your next question, yes, pretty sure Stevie Wonder is still in possession of his V Card.”
“Is that, like, a special Captain America card?” Steve asked, as Clint turned and raised his eye brows and Darcy giggled. “Because I’ve been trying to, ugh, replace Coulson’s set and I haven’t heard of that one...”
“Stevie Wonder is an American pop singer,” Darcy said.
“It’s an expression, one that it would take several movies and analysis to explain,” Clint said, at the same time.
Steve pressed his lips together. “Uhm, is that grilled cheese?” he asked, eyes wide and sweet. Darcy nodded - she had just finished the last of the bread she had buttered, but how could you say no to that?
* *
“This is so delicious? How did you know I was craving this?” Stark asked, as she set the grilled cheese and soup by him.
“I’m telepathic,” she replied. He nodded.
“That explains why you got the job - Banner! The soup is kinda cold, are you still using that little mini welder thingy?”
“I think it would melt the plastic,” Dr. Banner said.
“You don’t want melted plastic in your food,” Jane said, carefully nibbling on her own sandwich. “The carcinogens-”
“Seriously?” Stark said, turning to face her. “I carried an armed nuclear weapon into outer space and, for a good period of time, was powering this guy with palladium-” he tapped his chest, and Darcy tried not to stare.
“That should have killed you in a manner of months,” Jane said.
“Well, it’s cool. I synthesized a new metal in my garage, so.” Stark shrugged, and then grinned at Bruce. “Eat your sandwich.”
“Oh, shit, do you not eat cheese?” Darcy asked. She had only found out Dr. Banner was a vegetarian when he had apologized, profusely, for not touching the turkey sandwiches she made yesterday.
“No, no, cheese is good,” Dr. Banner said. “I love cheese. Thank you.” He dunked the sandwich in the soup and nibbled it as Tony gave him a thumbs up.
Darcy tried to catch Jane’s eye - she had either been holed up with these two or Thor since she arrived, so she had to have noticed something. If not, Darcy was going to blame it on spending too much time reading slash fan fiction - it was probably not a good idea to ship your bosses.
Jane gave her a little smile, though, one of those, aww, isn’t it cute? looks she had perfected when Thor did something...Thor-like, though in this context it conveyed cute in the sense that she wanted to squeeze the two of them rather than fuck them.
Cool cool cool, Darcy thought. Operation Slash the Scientists is on. And Jane would totally be on-board - she had already complained, mildly, to Darcy about how Tony gave her an evil look when she had to excuse herself to go and see Thor. She smiled back at Jane, and added, Also, probably will need to come up with better name than that.