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Father Bonnet was a holy man. He’d lived his life according to the Catholic teachings and he’d created a community of believers at St. Rose. He loved the work he did, and enjoyed using the power of faith to create little everyday miracles.
Father Bonnet was also absolutely going to hell.
It had started small enough. He’d joined an interfaith community council. It was a recent initiative and St. Rose had previously been too stuffy to even consider something beyond the walls of the church. Father Bonnet had made so much progress, at times dragging his congregation with him, and it was the last item on his multi-year renewal project.
Stede was on track until he met one man. Funny how a single conversation could lead to total ruin. Or a rebirth.
Stede spotted him across the community hall setting out coffee. The man was striking in his black ensemble, especially amidst the harsh industrial lights. He was focused on his task and diligently setting out the paper cups in his care. The man wasn’t clergy, at least as far as Stede knew. He knew all of the local leaders by name and had regular lunches with most of them. This man was new.
Stede found his feet moving forward. He needed coffee. He’d never wanted a cup of terrible coffee more in his life. His entire being was drawn to that table.
Their eyes locked and Stede felt the air leave his lungs.
Stede had found highs while praying. A sort of lightness in his chest. Of being worthy. Of purpose. Of a higher power that sang to him between scripture and hymns.
This new feeling was dizzying in the suddenness and compared to the high of his calling. But it was deeper, more intimate. It pulled at his insides and strangled his sense of preservation. His stomach dropped and he felt the rumbling anticipation of looking over a cliff edge. His body knew it wasn’t safe to be this close to falling but he was unable to stop himself from peering into the cataclysm. There was no room. No world. No hereafter. His soul was trapped in the now and tangled in his own demise.
The man handed him a cup of coffee. “Here you go, Father.”
Stede smiled and tried to center himself. Be a man of your station, he reminded himself.
“I’m Father Bonnet from St. Rose.” Stede extended a hand.
The man smiled and accepted the handshake. “Rabbi Teach, but you can call me Ed if you’d like.”
Stede took a too-hot sip of coffee. “You must be new?” He realized belatedly that his social skills had atrophied over the years of formality with his fellow leaders in the faith community. A lunch was one thing when you both talked about potluck dinners to raise money for a new heater, but social conversation beyond that felt out of reach.
“Just moved,” Ed said. “I’m with Rockdale Temple.”
“Ah, part of the Reform Judaism movement then.”
Ed laughed. “Keeping an eye on the competition?” When Stede sputtered, Ed took pity on him. “Just kidding, Father. I like Rockdale. It’s a good community.”
Stede nodded and noticed that the community meeting was coming to order. He offered the Rabbi - Ed - a halfhearted wave and found a seat.
Stede ended up with a notebook full of to dos to support the summer festival that the interfaith council hosted every year. Despite being new, Ed was brimming with ideas on how to get the community more involved. His passion for his mission was clear and Stede watched in awe as he presented a plan to marry summer fun with real community activism. Stede hadn’t been this enthusiastic about the festival in years, and he felt himself drawn to how Ed used his creativity to reignite the council.
That night, Stede woke up hard and aching. He was alone in the big house that was his temporary home during his time with St. Rose. The space was a relic of a time when many priests and nuns ran the parish school. When Stede took himself in hand, he wasn’t worried about anyone overhearing his gasps and moans. Stede did, however, cast his eyes to the dark night sky outside his window, and apologized to the Almighty. While he wasn’t a prude, Stede tried to follow the teachings of his church. And those teachings did not include images of a Rabbi on his knees with his mouth stretched not in prayer but in sin.
Stede thought he might have to wait for at least another week to see Ed again, but he could not have predicted that he would see salt and pepper waves in his pews three days later. Stede found himself nervous during his sermon because he wanted to impress Ed. Which felt ridiculous because he didn’t have a crush, did he? Priests didn’t have crushes. They had gardening and prayer and maybe darning socks. But not crushes. Still, Stede was giddy that Ed had come.
After the last of Stede’s congregation had said their goodbyes, Stede found Ed near the shrine to Mary.
Ed pointed at the ornate statue. “S’pretty.”
Stede nodded. “Do you often crash mass?”
“Only sometimes. When I like the priest.”
Stede blushed and sent another prayer up in penance.
“I like to get to know the faith community,” Ed said.
They stared at each other for a long moment in the quiet church.
“Coffee?” Stede asked and Ed nodded. He led Ed to the sacristy near the altar and motioned him into the dark space.
“I’ll just…” Stede started to remove his vestments. He was wearing black slacks and a white shirt in deference to the heat of the big church. It was a beautiful old building, but lacked air conditioning and Stede often left his crisp button downs behind on Sundays.
Stede cleared his throat and busied himself with putting away the altar linens.
“You’re a little uptight, Father.”
Stede rounded on him. “I’m not uptight. I’ve got a divine calling that I take very seriously. I have to lead this flock. It’s an important role.”
He made eye contact with Ed and they both burst into laughter.
“Ed, I don’t know how I got this way. I used to be fun, you know.”
“Sure, Father. Let’s get that coffee.”
Stede’s kitchen was warm and open. Ed settled at the wide wooden island and Stede turned to put the coffee maker on. While it brewed, he grabbed two mugs and set them in front of Ed.
“Men’s Chorus and Ani DiFranco?” Ed asked.
“I have taste.”
Stede filled their mugs, and Ed reached for the sugar.
“Like it sweet?” Stede asked as Ed added seven spoonfuls of sugar and a dash of cream.
Ed smiled. “Maybe a little, Father.”
Stede settled into the chair next to Ed with his Ani DiFranco mug. “Stede is fine.”
“Father Bonnet has a nice ring.” Ed nudged Stede’s shoulder.
Stede sighed softly and stared into his mug. “Ed, why are you here?”
The early afternoon light filtered into the kitchen, and Stede watched Ed take a sip of his sweet coffee. They sat in silence for a moment held in time. The next word might change everything and Stede could not push himself to speak again. If Ed asked, he would offer his soul, what’s left of it, even though he couldn’t explain why.
“Would it sound crazy if I said I couldn’t stay away?” Ed finally said.
Stede turned and looked at the man next to him. He eyed the long legs and slim hips. The careful hands and lush lips. He coveted, God help him. He wanted to map this man with his tongue and hear the sounds he’d make as he reached his zenith.
“No less mad than my desire to keep you.” Stede pulled Ed toward him to claim his lips.
Ed whimpered softly and opened his mouth to Stede’s questing tongue. Stede’s hands wandered to Ed’s hips and he wondered at the miracle of this man before him. Stede gave himself over to the moment and allowed himself to surge forward.
Stede kissed Ed like he was the moment before a confession. Like he was on the precipice of something larger, darker, dirtier. Like the world might tilt sideways as soon as they came to their senses. It was wanting and guilt and the lack of shame where an empty hole of penance should be.
Stede kissed Ed like it would tide him over for a thousand services. Because it had to. Because this was all that could be.
Ed broke the kiss first and Stede pulled back. Ed might be looking for air but Stede felt like smoke.
“You should go,” Stede said.
Ed blinked as the dusty air settled into his lungs.
“Thanks for coming to the service. I’ll try to repay the favor.”
Ed took one breath, then two, and stood. “It doesn’t have to be this way. Your faith hangs on you like an anchor.”
Stede listened to Ed’s footsteps on the wood floor and waited for the click of the door. He picked up the mugs and carefully washed them, dried them, and placed them back in the cupboard. The coffee maker next and the only sign that Ed had ever been here was the bit of sugar he’d spilled and the pain in Stede’s heart.
Stede saw Ed the next week at the community meeting but the other man would not look him in the eye. Ed was glorious and animated and full of wonderful new ideas for the festival, and Stede felt burned and hollow from being so close to his light. Stede had failed himself, failed his congregation, failed Ed. He kept trying and failing to catch Ed’s eye to apologize.
Stede felt empty and tried to throw himself into his work. He busied himself with ordering the hymnals for next year and dusting the pews. He thought about the zeal that Ed had for his work and wondered when his own had become so muted. He’d stopped agreeing with the Catholic Church in everything years ago but he’d hung on out of a sense of duty and a hope that his spark might return.
Sunday afternoon, Stede was holding confession. It was nearly 4 pm and all the sweet older parishioners had already confessed to the odd swear and random newspaper stealing he heard once a month. His booth wasn’t often busy these days, what with the younger Catholics less interested in punishment than absolution. He shifted his legs in the heat of his robes and fanned himself with a hand. Ten more minutes and he could escape into his garden.
The door slid open on the side with the barrier. A low voice said, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been a year since my last confession.”
Stede hummed his acknowledgment. “Yes, my child. What is troubling you?”
His parishioner cleared his throat. “I have had lustful thoughts about another.”
Stede leaned forward. The voice was familiar but he couldn’t quite place it, especially between whispers.” Go on.”
“Father, I have touched myself thinking of this man. I’ve fingered myself open and fucked myself with a toy thinking about the touch of this man. I see him and I want to drop to my knees and choke on his cock. I want him to use me. I want him filthy and dark, and I want him to take me so that no one else may ever again.”
Stede let out a breath. “And does this man know about your lustful thoughts?”
Stede heard a huffed laugh. “He does now.”
The voice clicked. “Ed?” Stede whispered. His heart leapt and his mind clamped down on his joy.
“Hi, Stede.”
“Fuck, Ed. We’re in a church.”
“And what’s more holy than a union of two souls?”
The tiny door opened and Ed stepped into Stede’s little box. Stede gasped and tried to calm his hammering heart.
“Tell me no,” Ed said. “Tell me no and I’ll leave.”
Stede couldn’t force his mouth to move. Fuck, he wanted this. Wanted Ed. Even now, he felt a pull into Ed’s cosmic center.
Stede nodded, and Ed slid to his knees. He pushed Stede’s robes up and reached his trousers. Ed ran his fingers up from his ankles to his calves and then thighs. He nosed Stede’s cock, hard in his black trousers, and mouthed the line of his length. Stede gasped and threaded his fingers in Ed’s hair. He hadn’t been touched so intimately in years.
Ed reached for his zipper and Stede heard his own quiet gasps in the still air of the church. Ed hadn’t closed the little confessional door so Stede had a full view of his empty pews. He still had five minutes before the end of the scheduled time; anyone could walk in and find their spiritual leader getting sucked off.
Ed’s mouth closed over Stede’s boxers and he licked at the line of Stede’s cock until the fabric was soaking wet. Ed closed his lips over the head of Stede’s length and gave one firm suck. Stede tried not to grip Ed’s hair too tightly but he found himself flexing his hips and pulling Ed closer to his core.
Ed pulled back to look at him. “It’s okay. You can be rough. I want you to fuck my face.”
With that, Ed slid his tongue along the line of Stede’s boxers and slowly pulled them down to reveal his cock. Stede whimpered, the sound harsh and dirty in the quiet church. The cathedral ceilings were built to carry the joyful hymns of believers but Stede heard his own gasps reflected back to him.
Stede watched as Ed licked his cock from root to tip with a wet tongue and kissed his head. His fingers were gripping Stede’s thighs tightly and Stede realized that Ed’s own hips were making little abortive thrusts in the air.
“You’re getting off on this,” Stede said in wonder.
Ed’s answer was to swallow him whole and moan around his cock.
Fuck it. If Stede was going to hell, he was going to enjoy the ride.
“Hands behind your back, Ed. And relax your throat.”
Ed took a gasp of air and rearranged his hands. “Yes, Father,” he said.
Stede groaned. He slid back into those willing lips and began to gently fuck Ed’s mouth. “Look at you, on your knees. So willing. You’re beatific.”
Ed whimpered and his thrusts turned more steady. Stede knew they were both close.
“Can you come like this? With a cock down your throat?”
Ed’s eye flashed to Stede and he saw tears on his cheeks. Stede slid a hand from his hair to wipe one away. “Ed… are you okay? We can stop. Let’s stop.”
Ed shook his head and took his cock deeper. Stede took a shuddering breath. “Okay.”Stede shifted his hands to caress Ed’s face and hair with gentle touches. “If it’s too much, tap my leg.”
Ed’s eyes flashed to Stede with a frown, and Stede laughed despite himself. “Yes, I know about these things. I wasn’t a saint before I became a priest.”
It was in that second that the intimacy of what they were doing hit Stede. It wasn’t the facefucking or the filthy language or even the vision of Ed submissive on his knees. It was the admission that both of them had lived full lives before this moment. In a heartbeat, Stede realized that this would break him. That he would never again be satisfied with his garden and his sermons.
Stede gripped Ed’s head harshly and spilled down his throat. Ed moaned and swallowed around the intrusion, finally pulling back with a gasp.
They looked at each other, both breathing heavily, while Stede’s wet cock hung between them.
“Did you…?” Stede asked.
Ed shook his head but maintained his perfect posture on his knees.
“Up you come then.” Ed looked confused. “My lap. I want to feel you as you fall apart.” That Ed understood and he moved quickly, spreading his thighs and climbing into Stede’s space.
Stede gripped Ed’s hips and pulled him down for a sloppy kiss. He tasted his own spend in Ed’s mouth and groaned. “You were so good for me. I’m going to take care of you.”
He slipped a hand down to Ed’s slacks and palmed him through the thin fabric. “So hard for me,” Stede said. “I like you like this. You’re too hard to be mouthy.”
“Oh, I can still…” Ed started to say but stopped with a whimper as Stede pulled his cock out and dragged his fingers in a loose caress. “Fuck, Father.”
Stede kissed him. “Say it again.”
“Fuck me, Father. I need more.”
Stede bit into Ed’s neck and encouraged him to grind down on his lap. He started to work Ed’s cock in a steady rhythm while Ed whimpered against his lips.
Stede’s eyes glanced around the church, the sunlight filtering through the stained glass windows, and he landed on Mary tucked into the far corner. Oh, he would burn for this.
Stede offered Ed a finger and said, “Suck. Make it wet.” Ed allowed the digit to press into his tongue and sucked it into his mouth. Stede pulled the finger from his lips, and shifted Ed on his lap so he could palm his ass. “I’m going to finger you open under the eyes of God,” he said and Ed shuddered.
Stede worked his hand under Ed’s trousers and palmed his ass. He found Ed’s center and rubbed the wet digit against Ed’s hole. Ed keened and started to babble, voice carrying in the hushed space.
“Father, oh fuck, Father. Please. Use me. Ruin me. I’m yours.”
Stede kissed into Ed’s hair and focused his hands, one working Ed’s cock while the other worked his hole. Ed’s thrusts were urgent and he alternated between pushing his ass against Stede’s wet finger and surging forward into Stede’s firm hand.
Ed came with a shout and covered Stede’s vestments with his seed.
They took a moment to process, and Ed giggled. Stede frowned at him, hands still on his hips, mind reeling from the sacrilege they’d both just commited. He wasn’t sure that fucking in a church was in the Bible as a no-no, but he was pretty sure the diocese would skin him alive if they found out.
“What’s so funny?” Stede asked.
“You just fucked my face in a church and then fingered me until I came over your fancy robe. It’s fucking hilarious.”
Stede pursed his lips. “I guess it is pretty out of the ordinary.”
“Out of the ordinary? You’re a fucking lunatic and I like it.”
Stede cracked a smile. “We should get cleaned up,” he said.
After some rearranging, Stede brought Ed back to his house. The vestments would need to be cleaned but otherwise there was little evidence of the act. The walk out of the church was quiet but sweet, and Ed slipped his hand into Stede’s.
Stede and Ed found themselves in the kitchen again. It was too late for coffee so Stede put the kettle on for tea while Ed found mugs (Kings Island Fright Fest ‘17 and an image of the city skyline as a line drawing). Stede offered Ed sugar and they sat in companionable silence.
“I’ll have to find a new place to live,” Stede said and Ed’s face fell.
“You don’t have to move on my account.”
Stede frowned and shook his head. “Oh, but I will. They won’t let me stay.”
Ed’s voice shook. “Please don’t go. This is special, whatever it is, and I know I took some liberties but damn it, Stede…”
Stede shut him up with a kiss.
“I’m leaving the priesthood, you knob.”
Ed didn’t know what to say to that and took a sip of his tea.
“You’re right. This faith I have, it’s been good to me, but you are a miracle and a blessing and I can’t believe in a system that would demonize this.”
“Fuck,” Ed said.
“So I’ll have to leave. They won’t let me live here. But I’ll manage. I used to teach sailing, back in the day. I could go back to that.”
Ed leaned in close to Stede and kissed his shoulder. “I hear there’s a Rabbi with a congregation who would love to see him married.”
“Married?” Stede asked with a raise of his brows.
“In time,” Ed replied. “But you are mine and I am yours. I don’t ignore the universe.”
Stede smiled softly into his tea. He had much to decide and no easy path forward. But he knew Ed was worth it.
Stede Bonnet was a man of faith. His world was different now and he marveled in the small miracles of the unforeseen. He loved his husband with his whole heart, and was learning to make challah. His work in the community had grown and his nights were full of warm conversations and laughter. Ed still called him Father but only in the bedroom.