Chapter Text
Sam looked down at the man in her arms, her heart was breaking into a million pieces. She had been the one to issue the final blow, to end the life of a man that another part of her had loved so intensely, it had cruel finality.
Her eyes were swimming with thick, heavy tears that threatened to fall. She cradled Martouf's head, caressing the smooth skin of his face with her thumb, devastation bubbling to the surface. It threatened to overwhelm her body. She felt like collapsing on the floor and sobbing though Sam recognised that that part of her was more Jolinar, but deciphering the feelings in that moment was impossible.
She looked up, trying to find salvation in one of her friends. She found Teal'c in that moment, concern for her written so plainly on his face. He moved through the crowd to her position, dropping to his knees and gently removing Martouf's lifeless body from her grip. "Major Carter, let me help you" he said gently, his large brown eyes seeping compassion for her.
Sam felt strong hands grip the top of her arms "Carter, come on let's get you up"
She obeyed silently, not registering anyone else, she stumbled out of the gate room under the firm grip of Colonel Jack O'Neill. She was still experiencing some effect of the sedative Janet had given her but now the emotional pain of the last few hours was beginning to hit home. Jack guided Sam through the corridors of the SGC, his right hand hovering gently behind her lower back, his left gently gripping her forearm. Sam's head was down, eyes fixed on the floor - Jack could see the steady stream of tears rolling down her cheeks. His heart broke for her.
Thankfully the base corridors were quiet, most personnel assigned to duties topside in light of the presidential visit. Reaching the elevator he swiped his card and quickly selected Level 16 which housed the on-base quarters. He guided her in and watched as she leaned hard against the back wall, she placed her face in her hands barely containing the sob that escaped from her lips.
Jack waited for the elevator doors to close so they were completely alone - taking one small step he was beside her and in a split second pulling her into his arms.
"Carter" He breathed her name into the crook of her neck and held her close as the emotion poured out of her like a tsunami.
He pulled away as the elevator made it's destined stopping point, glancing back as the doors opened hoping that they would remain alone. Sam noticed this subtle check and pushed herself away from the wall, stepping past Jack and into the corridor towards her quarters.
"Don't follow me, sir" she said quietly.
He ignored her request stepping out of the elevator, he reached out gently pulling on her arm.
''Sam'' She spun around to face him, Jack didn't miss the flash of rage that blazed through her blue eyes
"Please sir, leave me alone." she shrugged her arm away from his fingers.
"I don't think you should be alone right now, Carter" He replied carefully retaining his firm grip on her. \
"Well that's how it has to be Colonel." Her sharp emphasis of his rank told Jack everything he needed to know about Sam's current state of mind.
She didn't wait for him to respond instead pulling away from him and stalking towards her quarters. Jack stayed silent and held back, his mind and heart racing for her.
Sam let herself into her quarters and leaned back hard against the door, as she closed it she slid to the floor. She dropped her head and let the tears stream freely down her face; tears for having ended Martouf's life, driven by a confused mix of emotions from her, Jolinar and Jolinar's former host Rosha.
She sobbed for the sacrifice that Jack had been freely prepared to make in return for her life today. And she cried unspent tears for the sacrifice that he was willing to make to stay with her on Apophis's ship just weeks ago. The vivid memories of being trapped behind the force shield entirely dredged up from the zatarg testing. Neither of them had really addressed the events at the time, it was naturally going to bubble to the surface now.
Sam closed her eyes and the memories bombarded her:
Jack struck the control panel trying to force it open, even if he succeeded she knew it would be no use.
'Sir there's no time' she pleaded with him.
A troop of Apophis's serpent guards were approaching their position, they could hear their metallic armour clunking at each forward step, there was no way out and they both knew it.
'Sir!' Sam's tone was desperate. Jack had managed to break the panel open and was smashing through the control crystals. It was no use, giving up he turned his instrument to the force-shield smashing against it, each pound of force he applied merely dissolved into the energy barrier as if mocking the attempt.
'I know, I know' She could here the rising panic in his voice, but it wasn't fear for his own safety, it was fear for Sam that was driving his anguish.
He returned to the control panel blithely pulling at crystals and elements to make it work.
'Sir, JUST GO' she screamed through the force-shield
'NO!' He spun around to face her, pure rage flashed through his eyes as he stared into hers.
In that moment it was as though time around them stopped, there was no-one else, just them. The sounds around them had dissolved into nothing, the force-shield rippled steady streaks of electricity in a wall between them.
'Jack, please' Sam begged with her eyes Jack's dark brown eyes softened, betraying him as the realisation that he wouldn't be able to save her flooded into his mind.
There was no plan B or plan C, she was going to die at the hands of the approaching Jaffa and there was nothing he could do to save her. Sam stared up at him as she watched Jack's mind run through all of the possible scenarios and come up empty, she knew that he knew there was no chance for her. Her blue eyes swam with tears, she willed him to go to leave her to her fate, to save himself. But she knew he wouldn't leave, he would stay and die with her - Jack loved her it was written so plainly all over his face. She hoped in that moment that he could see the same reflected in hers.
Sam buried her face into her arms and cried until the tears no longer flowed. She knew she needed to get out of the mountain and clear her head. Grabbing her leather jacket, bike helmet and keys she ran through the quiet corridors of the mountain, running for the surface - for air, for life.