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The mighty Heracles grumbled at the banging on his door disrupting his sleep. As unwelcome as this disturbance was, he answered swiftly; it wasn’t wise to keep the Olympian gods waiting.
The unshakeable, ascended demigod’s jaw dropped at what waited for him. Dionysus, shorter than he, was wearing his usual loose, silky garments but had switched out his customary leopard skin for lion’s skin similar to what Heracles wore on occasion. A huge club that Dionysus clearly struggled to lift replaced his thyrsus as well. The god of wine had the expression of a young child doing his best to show he deserved to be taken seriously.
“Mercy me, what is this?” Heracles muttered.
“I need your help.”
Heracles burst into deep laughter. “I can see! What are you wearing? Lion’s hide with buskins? What odd game have you concocted this time? Shall I hang grapes off my shoulders and wield a staff of fennel? Start drinking wine, despite the earliness of the day?”
Dionysus scowled and flushed. “Hey man, I’m your big brother, you show some respect!”
“Forgive me!” Heracles said, doing his best to stifle his laughter. “I cannot choose but to laugh!”
“I know it’s not a perfect disguise, but it’s all part of my clever plan!”
“Clever plan,” Heracles repeated. “Pray tell.”
“I want to go to the Underworld,” Dionysus said. “Other than Hermes, who I am starting to seriously worry about as no one has seen him in quite a bit, you’re the only one that’s actually been down there, so I thought I’d come to the expert before launching my cat, uh…cat and…cat and basses.”
“‘Catabasis’,” Heracles corrected. “You wish to delve into Hades? Why the hell would you ever go there?”
“Why does anyone go into the Underworld?” Dionysus smirked.
“They have expired or have a wish to?”
“No! I’m gonna bust someone out!”
Heracles, seeing Dionysus was sincere, finally stopped snickering. He gazed upon his older but smaller brother as if he were a fool.
“Whose soul do you wish to save? A girl?”
Dionysus pushed the thought of Ariadne out of his mind. “No.”
“A boy?”
“No. Well, yeah, he is a boy, but it’s not what you’re thinking, he’s family.” Dionysus tried to raise the club in his hand mightily. “I shall save our cousin Zagreus from his dad’s evil reign!”
“Ah, the infamous son of Hades that has all of Olympus in a stir,” Heracles nodded in understanding. “Zeus have mercy, but you are mad.”
“Nuh-uh, not anymore, I got better!” Dionysus’s arm trembled under the weight of the club. “Look, we know Zag’s reaching the surface, but something is getting in his way! My man needs my help!”
“You cannot help anyone unless they need their bellies full of food and drink,” Heracles said, relieving Dionysus of the impossibly heavy club with ease. “The wretched dead will not show reverence or mercy for the god of feast. They will stop at nothing tear you asunder by the order of Lord Hades.”
Dionysus pouted. “Why do you think I’m wearing this stupid getup? I’ll pretend to be you, and those ghosties will be too scared of me, or you rather, to stop me from picking Zag up.”
Heracles hefted the club over his shoulder and smirked down at his older, yet sillier brother. He didn’t need to say out loud what a terrible plan that was, but he did so anyway.
“Best leave the stratagems to our grey-eyed sister, my brother,” he said. “It is plain to see why no one joins you in your ‘cat and basses’. Even our most impulsive of kin see the folly in storming Hades to personally retrieve our hapless cousin.”
Dionysus waved a dismissive hand. “Athena’s just being a worrywart and everyone is listening to her just because she’s the goddess of wisdom, but what can you do? Don’t worry about me, man, I’ve got this, just be a good lad and tell me the quickest way to the Underworld.”
“I would suggest you hang yourself,” Heracles said seriously. “Brother Hermes should get you there very quick indeed.”
“Aha ha ha…” Dionysus laughed nervously. “Have to pass on that, Heracles. Tell me how you got to the Underworld.”
“Poison.”
“I meant the first time, man!” good natured Dionysus was losing patience with the somewhat simple Heracles. “When you stole Cerberus!”
Heracles started to admire the hide on Dionysus. “T’was an arduous road I traveled filled with peril. Every type of monster the mind could fathom was on that path. Did you take this from my wardrobe, Brother?”
“No.” Dionysus lied brilliantly. “Are you gonna help me or not?”
“Very well,” Heracles felt the lion’s skin with his fingers, intending to add it to his wardrobe if it had not been part of it previously. “First, you must—”
Thunder cracked loudly in the distance. The two sons of Zeus jumped and froze. Due to their shared paternity, they both knew it was directed at them specifically. Their lord and father did not want Heracles to reveal the location of the entrance to the Underworld to Dionysus or anyone else. Heracles shrugged ruefully at his older brother.
“I’m afraid our lord demands my silence,” he said. “I believe he demands your obedience as well.”
“Aw, come on!” Dionysus whined. “He’s the one that made me give my blessings to Zag in the first place!”
“I do recall you being one of the last to lend Zagreus aid,” Heracles said. “Yet now you are willing to go into hell itself for the sake of a cousin you have not properly met. How have you come about to such enthusiasm and support for his cause?”
“He gave me two bottles of Ambrosia.”
“You are mad.”
“Those are hard to come by in the Underworld, man! And he gave me two!” Dionysus said eagerly. “Two! And we played the best prank ever on Orpheus, we’re practically best mates. If you can’t go straight to hell for your best mate, then who can you go to hell for?”
“Perhaps it is not lunacy but idiocy that plagues you,” Heracles murmured. “Regardless, abandon your quest, Brother. This Prince Zagreus is not worth the wrath of Lord Father Zeus.”
Dionysus gave a charming smile. “What about me, then, am I worth ticking Dad off?”
Heracles smiled warmly and placed a hand on his shoulder. “Nay, not ever.”
“Fine, whatever man!” Dionysus shrugged Heracles off and walked haughtily away. “I’m making your next bottle of wine corked!”
Heracles grabbed the lion’s hide and pulled it roughly off of Dionysus. He tried to pull it back, but it was Heracles; the god of wine could never compare to the legendary hero in feats of strength.
“Fine! Keep it!” Dionysus yelled at the shut door Heracles closed on him. “Lions aren’t the best type of big cat anyway!”
Dionysus quickly fled before Heracles could take issue with his taunt. He felt a little naked walking about without his leopard’s skin and his leafy laurels. And his grapes. And thyrsus. He was basically just a regular, gorgeous guy now without his signature accessories. He’d best go change.
Man what a downer. Dionysus was all ready to head down and save Zagreus and be a hero, but no. Some divine politics getting in the way of fun again. Ugh. Guess Dionysus would just have to settle for sending boons to the Underworld until the end of time…
“Whoa, hold for just a moment, Zag,” Dionysus smiled at the parchment that had been sent back through his own boon. “Now, I can recognize an invite when I see one, man!”