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Colin is preparing to leave Paris. Shortly he’ll make his way to Calais to make the trip across the Channel.
He finishes his cup of coffee, throws some money on the table and leaves the cafe with a smile and a wave.
It’s time to return home. To the woman he finally realises he loves. He feels like such an idiot that he didn’t realise earlier. In fact he never realised at all, he had to be told by a near stranger he’d roomed with on the ship from Amsterdam. “You sure talk about this Penelope girl a lot, are you f**king her?”
After his outrage about this man daring to speak about Penelope like that died down he’d had to wonder both why he felt so outraged at all and also why the idea of sleeping with her wouldn’t leave his head.
He’s so consumed with thoughts of Penelope he thinks he hears her giggle on the wind. He even spots a woman with gorgeous red curls across the street and up a few paces.
He can’t wait to get home.
—
He is greeted with the usual fanfare, the whole family comes to see him. Well not the whole family. Someone is missing from the welcome party.
After a couple of hours pass he can no longer stand it. “Miss Featherington isn’t here. I thought we gave her Honorary Bridgertonship some time ago.” He tries to keep his tone light.
“Mrs Durand now.” Violet says, not looking up from her needlework. She holds it up “This is for the babe.”
Colin runs cold and hot simultaneously. There is a rushing noise in his head and the room seems to invert.
“Wait. I’m sorry. What?”
“Don’t say what Colin, say pardon.” Hyacinth pipes up, having been told the same thing by her mother on numerous occasions.
Colin is staring at his mother. All that is left in the house now is Violet, Gregory, and Hyacinth, everyone else has left to return home with their husbands, wives, and children.
Colin has to assume that everyone of age in his family now being married off is the reason no one thought to tell him about this - too caught up in their own marriages to report on someone else’s.
He feels furious. At his older brothers. At Eloise. At his mother.
“How did this happen?!” He yells, losing his temper at his mother, a rare event.
“Colin she wasn’t going to wait for you forever. You weren’t even here. Louis is a wonderful match. She’s very happy. Mrs Featherington was beside herself. Of course he’s not titled, but a lovely French man with railway money was a fine catch indeed. Hardly anyone could believe it-“ Violet is cut off by Hyacinth “I could, Mrs Durand is so pretty! And so nice.”
“Don’t call her that.” Colin grounds out angrily at his littlest sister. She just shrugs in response. Colin heads for the door. “She’s not there, Colin.” Violet anticipates his desired destination. “She’s in Paris. With her husband.”
—
Colin is back on the ship that night. The same ship that brought him back earlier that same day. Same luggage in his hand.
His mother had been distracted by the re-arrival of Kate and Anthony with the baby. He pulled Anthony aside and laid into him, before begging for any information Anthony had about Penelope.
“You’re too late Colin. You have to let her go. She’s married, she’s happy. She is with child! Don’t bring ruin to her. Don’t bring ruin to you. You missed your chance and you need to accept it.
“No I don’t.” And with that Colin stalked out of the room and out of the house, grabbing his bag from the foyer where it still sat.
—
He had very little to go on from Anthony, but his mother’s tidbit about new railway money helped him. Louis Durand and his English wife were well known in the right circles and it didn’t take long for Colin to get the information he needed.
He had no idea what his plan was though.
He starts off by hanging around the railway offices. He soon works out that Louis works for his father. He is shorter than Colin but looks stronger. His hair is a similar colour to Colin’s but worn longer and he has deep brown eyes.
He watches Louis from a distance. He is a hard worker, respectful of his father and treats the workers with kindness. Every night at home time Louis walks out with a large grin on his face and a spring in his step. He often stops to buy flowers, or a small gift.
Colin follows him home every night. Never catches a glimpse of Penelope though.
—
The next day Colin doesn’t attend the railway yard. He goes directly to Louis and Penelope’s house. He sits outside it all day. Penelope doesn’t come out. He wonders if she’s well, he knows his sisters had some sickness during their pregnancies. Colin feels some pregnancy related sickness too. He can’t believe that Penelope is carrying another man’s child. He can’t believe he wasn’t the one who ultimately made her happy.
He waits til Louis comes home so he knows Penelope is safe and well, then heads back to his lodgings.
—
The next day Colin applies for a job at the office in the rail yard. He claims his documents were lost in a shipwreck and applies under the alias Simon Anthony. Says he has lots of experience as an apprentice to a Lord. It’s sort of true.
Colin is soon working in the office. He hates that Louis is a wonderful master. He is funny and nice and cares about his staff. They are paid well and given breaks, which is not the norm, Colin hears.
If he didn’t hate Louis with the fire of a thousand suns he could see them being great friends. He can see why Penelope was so attracted to him, and why Louis saw Penelope for who she really was, who Colin ignored for all those years.
One day Louis announces that he and his father must travel to Prussia.
“What of your new wife, isn’t she due to give birth soon?”
“She still has a month, we’ll be back.”
—
The first day Louis is away is the day Colin abandons the job. He immediately proceeds to Penelope’s house.
Penelope opens the door herself and Colin’s heart surges and breaks. She looks so happy. He has never seen her so relaxed. She glows with impending motherhood and love.
“Mr Bridgerton, whatever are you doing here?” Penelope is surprised but happy to see the face of an old friend. “It’s been so long, you must come in.”
Penelope leads him to a sitting room and quietly whispers to a maid. Penelope points him to a chair and sits in another one, leaving a respectful distance between them. She absentmindedly strokes her stomach with a small grin on her face.
Colin wants to cry. This was his future. And now it’s someone else’s. He has been so stupid.
He came here to beg Penelope to leave Louis, to run away with him. But he can’t do it. Louis is a good man. He has given her a beautiful home, safe from the London society who treated her so cruelly. Louis has stepped up and given Penelope what he couldn’t.
“Tell me Colin, how have you been?” Penelope drops the formalities now they are alone. “It’s been so long since I last you. Have you been travelling this whole time?”
Penelope is trying to be polite but her question points out to him how much needless distance he let build between them. Penelope used to know his movements better than he did. Colin is struggling the find his words, they can’t get past the lump in his throat.
“Colin are you okay, do you need something?” Penelope looks concerned now.
At that moment the maid enters the room with tea and scones and places them on the table. She looks questioningly at Penelope.
“Thank you, Camille, we’ll be quite all right from here. Mr Bridgerton is an old childhood friend from England.” Penelope tells her in French. Camille nods and curtsies before stepping back out of the room, leaving the door ajar.
Penelope still looks concerned and gets up and sits in the chaise next to Colin, taking his hand in hers, like she would a sick relative.
Colin fights down a strangled noise at her touch. He is totally overcome in a way he didn’t think possible. He remembers back to being told his father had died, it was the last time he’d felt a loss so strongly, and felt so hopeless.
“Colin!” Penelope shakes his hand like she’s trying to stir him from sleep. “Do you need a doctor?!” She looks to the call bell on the wall.
“No.” Colin finally finds his voice. They stare into each other’s eyes at close range. He doesn’t see it anymore. The adoration that used to be there for him is gone, now all he sees his concern.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come. I don’t know what I was thinking.” He says, standing to leave.
“Wait, Colin, I - “ Penelope is cut off by Colin snatching his hand away and standing abruptly.
“Penelope. I am so glad to see you happy. I am so happy to see you living your dream. Louis is a good man. You are going to be an amazing mother. I am just so sorry that it took me so long and that this couldn’t be my life. Here, with you. Like this.” He points to her stomach. “This will be my biggest regret.”
Penelope looks shocked. Colin makes to leave the room.
“Wait.” She says.
“You’re right, Colin. Louis is a good man. He’s been an excellent husband and he’s going to be an amazing father. I am so happy I get to share the rest of my life with him.
But you are a good man too. Once you stop being so lost and always looking for the next best thing you’ll be okay.
I spent years waiting for you to notice me and you never did so I made peace with that. Then Louis came into my life and he noticed me immediately. He saw me for me straight away. He was everything I ever wanted.
I’m sorry you’ve come to this realisation so late, but it’s for the best. You were my childhood obsession, but Louis is my husband and I’m truly where I’m meant to be. We weren’t meant to be. I never truly would have fitted into your world. Louis made me his world.
I don’t know what you think you feel for me, but it’s not real. Like my crush on you, it will pass when the real thing comes along. You’ll be okay.”
All this is said with kindness and no malice at all.
“I’ll always love you, Colin Bridgerton, and I’ll always look to drop in on the Bridgerton family when I’m visiting England. I hope we can remain friends. But that’s all we can ever be.”
Colin is embarrassed that he’s actually crying at this point. She is rejecting him with so much compassion and maturity and he feels like such an idiot. Why did he not see this amazing woman when she was right in front of him begging for his attention.
She lets him quietly cry for a moment while she makes him a cup of tea. She passes him both the tea and a handkerchief from down her dress in silence.
“Can I be Uncle Colin to your little one?”
“Of course.”
Colin realises at this point he can’t be because Louis will recognise him as Simon Anthony. What an absolute fool he’s been. Such childish games. No wonder Penelope grew out of him.
He realises this will be the last time he ever sees her. But he doesn’t want to let her know that. He’s already made such a scene.
He quietly drinks his tea, enquires about her health, and updates her on his family, like he actually knows how they are and didn’t run out on them without a word all those weeks ago.
After reaching (far exceeding, really) the limit of what is a socially acceptable visit time for an unmarried man to visit a married woman, he stands to leave again.
Penelope walks over and gives him a hug. He feels her pregnant belly pressing into him and notices that her hair smells of violets. He takes these fleeting moments of how she feels in his arms and commits them to memory.
“It was so good to see you.” Penelope says with a bright smile on her face.
“You too, Pen.”
And with that he walks out the door.
It’s over.