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This was new.
Zim was used to keeping track of Zimtwo. She had a tracker built into her Pak and had to be back in her quarters at a certain time every 48 hours to sleep. And, although she was spirited and enjoyed getting herself into trouble, she respected him. He could mostly get her to do what he wanted- and when he couldn’t, the Control Brains could step in, and the mere threat of that usually was enough to get her to fall in line. All irkens had to do what their leaders said, even her.
The Dib? He was a different story.
He’d taken the collar off. Again. And he had snuck into the Massive alone. Again. Zim knew he was there because his crumbling little Vortian-damned wreck of a ship- that Zim had somehow managed to get a tracker on- was currently floating just outside of the snack storage pods. Dib always found the trackers he put on his body. (And inside of it- he’d managed to discover all three that had been injected into his bloodstream, and having them chucked back at him while still soaked in blood had been enough to discourage Zim from doing that anymore.)
Well, there were only so many places he would be. Zim floated down the hall for the teleporters, hissing when one of the drones didn’t salute as he passed. Where was the respect? He was a Tallest!
(He had heard the whispers about his fascination with his pet, but he deleted the memories after throwing the offenders out into the vacuum of space, so they manifested only as an uncomfortable twitch in the back of his neck.)
Dib wasn’t in Zim’s quarters, or Zimtwo’s for that matter. If he got anywhere near the training area, they would use him for target practice, and Zim slammed the button for the Garden, his last resort before the bottom level.
Having a human was such a hassle at times. Especially one that liked running off and refused to just sit still whenever Zim had need of him. His value as entertainment intertwined with the unfortunate fact that the stink-man was infuriatingly good at sliding under Zim’s skin, like the bugs from the last planet they’d send scouts down to. He shuddered remembering the footage of that one.
Luckily, this time, the Dib was at the other end of the teleportation pod. He’d snuck into the kitchens too, from the wrappers scattered around him and Zimtwo. Zim fished a second collar out of his Pak before floating over, careful not to make any noise.
“And that one’s from Tallicus-5, it can latch on to other plants to suck out their nutrients! I call it Leechy,” Zimtwo said happily, settled comfortably on her stool. “That’s why I have to keep it in this raised bed, so it doesn’t kill everything else in the Garden.”
“Huh, neat,” Dib said, rubbing the oily hairs on his chin. “And you raise all of these?”
“Well, Dek helps sometimes. But almost all of it is mine! My Tallests say that I might be allowed to make a small class-C planet into a really huge garden!”
“Class-C?”
“No invader needed- ones that just have wildlife, not any sapient species that would need to be infiltrated. I could set up a teleporter pod and jump there whenever we’re in range.”
“Huh. I never knew there were so many cool plants.”
She crossed her arms. “Most people don’t know. I’m going to show all of them. Maybe if I get to be Tallest, I’ll wear green robes. I like purple, but Tallest Tak says those are hers.”
“Fuck Tak, you can wear purple if you want to.” Dib straightened up, and Zim shook himself out of whatever daze he’d been in watching them, making sure that the hover rockets were silenced as he floated up behind them. Zimtwo’s good antenna twitched, the shine of the lights betraying that she had turned her eyes to the left, but it was too late for Dib to realize as Zim reached forward and snapped the collar around his neck.
“Hah!”
“Gah!” Dib immediately started clawing at it before whirling around. “Zim!”
“I got you!” Zim crowed, and Zimtwo started laughing.
“Oh, your face, Dib-dad-human!” She snickered along with Zim, and Zim gave a look of pride before Dib snarled over at her.
“Was this a trick, you little-”
“Nope, it’s just funny!” Her ragged teeth shone with a wide grin. “Why are you so mad about the collar anyway? It keeps them from shooting at you. Probably.”
Dib let out a low, sustained groan that rumbled like a malfunctioning blaster that was about to backfire, fingering a hole on his coat that Zim was fairly certain was new. “I just don’t like it, alright? It makes me feel stupid.”
“Then it should stay right where it is.” Zim lightly tapped a finger on Dib’s smell-knob. “Perhaps if you accepted your place, it wouldn’t bother you so much.”
“Fuck off,” Dib said, flipping up the middle finger on his right hand. Zim had been able to gather from context by now that was a rude gesture, and he grabbed the offending hand’s wrist. “Hey!”
“Do not talk back to your superior in front of Zimtwo.” He paused. “In fact, on this ship, we are both your superiors, worm-creature. It would do you well to remember that.”
“Hey, don’t call him a worm!” Zimtwo protested, and Zim was about to tell her not to contradict him before she continued. “Worms are really useful for keeping the soil healthy. Maybe like… a tick or something. He likes blood.”
“Traitor,” Dib muttered under his breath. “I can take care of myself, alright?”
“I don’t think you can,” Zim said, lifting the coat (and grimacing at the feel of grime brushing his fingers in the process) and slipping one of his slender fingers through the hole. “I may be taller, smarter, and better than you in every conceivable way-”
“Including in humility,” Dib grumbled.
“Yes, that too! But anyway, what I was going to say, Dib-creature, is that you cannot wander the Massive like it is some sort of ground for play. There are guards who have spent their lives training to protect this ship and the Tallests inside of it, and if they managed to catch you, you would be in a million messy gooey Dib-pieces before you could draw your weapon, and then neither of us would have you to toy around with anymore.”
“Oh, how noble of you.” Dib raised an eyebrow. “You just don’t want them exploding your little toy because then you wouldn’t have anything to play with?”
“Yes, was that not I just said?” Zim said, tilting his head to the side. “Do you need to hear it in simpler terms? I thought you were slightly more intelligent than-”
“I got it,” Dib said through gritted teeth. “You know, on Earth, custody battles usually just involve spilling dirty laundry to get the courts to side with you, not threats of getting shot if you get too close.” He paused. “I mean, not unless things are really fucked up.”
“It’s not a threat, it’s a warning. My co-Tallest does not like you, thus, much of the ship does not like you either. The collar is the only way to allow you onboard without completely lobotomizing you. You are my property, so you cannot be harmed, if you play by the rules.” Zim brushed at Dib’s shoulders. “I do not want you hurt by any hand other than my own. Is that not enough?”
Dib blinked at that. “That’s a… weirdly intimate way of putting it.”
“Do you understand?”
“Zim-”
Zim flicked his fingers and sent a command through his Pak, and the nanites in the collar sprang to life, scurrying up Dib’s neck before forming a circular seal over his mouth with the Tallest symbol emblazed on it. Dib’s chocolate-sweet eyes widened, and he immediately started clawing at it.
“Do you understand?” Zim’s eyes narrowed as Dib’s brows furrowed, glaring at him before nodding. “Excellent!” He flicked his fingers again, and the nanites melted back down Dib’s chin like a popsicle on a hot day, re-merging with the collar.
“You’re a bastard, you know that?”
“Whatever that is, I’m sure I’m better than one.” Zim ruffled Dib’s hair before his eye twitched at the slickness of the grease contained within. “Now, if you want to spend any more time with Zimtwo-”
“Will you quit calling her that? It’s weird.”
“I like it,” Zimtwo chirped.
“Look, kid, we can talk about cults when you’re alone-”
“But it’s an honor to be compared to my Tallest!”
“-I was saying,” Zim said sharply, and they both fell quiet. “If you want to spend more time with Zimtwo, I insist on taking you to be cleaned first.”
“Hey, I’m not a stray dog, I’m a grown-ass man!”
“I don’t know what a dog is, but a stray is exactly what you smell like, all rolled around in filth and grime.” Zim gripped Dib by the collar of his shirt, watching the human stumble along behind him as he sputtered angrily. Zimtwo watched them go.
“I’ll be here, Dib-dad-human and my Tallest!” There was a pause. “Unless I’ll be in my room, depending on how long you are. You know how to find me, my Tallest!”
“Understood, sweetling!” Zim called back, before turning to Dib. “See? Zimtwo knows to check in with me. Why can’t you do the same?”
“I’m your weird pseudo-boyfriend, not your kid,” Dib said, heels digging into the fake grass but only enough that Zim could tell it was a token resistance, made up entirely of personal pride and principle over an actual desire to get away at the moment. “It’s just different, alright?”
“Things would be easier if it wasn’t,” Zim said as he pulled Dib towards the elevator. “If you allow me to cleanse you properly, I will let you have a mouth-smooch, doesn’t that sound enticing?”
“It would if you didn’t call it a mouth-smooch,” Dib said, glancing back to make sure the doors had slid shut behind them before stretching up on his tiptoes and reaching up behind Zim’s neck, tugging his face down so their lips met.
Zim would have resisted, he really would have, but the way Dib’s teeth grazed his bottom lip and how the slightest hint of the metallic nanite flavor coloring his hot breath… it was intoxicating.
Things with Dib were new, and different, and frustrating and confusing and never as easy as they should be when you were as clever and brave and perfect as a Tallest, as Zim. But when Dib was close enough that their heated skin brushed together, when his eyes flickered with flames, when they fell out of the elevator and Zim had to activate his rockets when Dib made a break for it before scooping him up and dumping him bodily in the cleansing pool…
Well. Sometimes Zim liked a challenge.