Work Text:
Being a ghost is such an out of the world experience. Jisung had voiced this thought out once to Goddess with a wiggle to his eyebrow and She just sighed before threatening to make him cross to the other side.
The first few.. moments? Days? Weeks? (Jisung doesn't have a sense of time when the realisation sank in) was hard for him. As far as he can remember and what the Goddess had told him, it was purely an accident. He was just an unfortunate bystander when a truck lost its brake. A bit tragic, but Jisung would definitely tell it to other people once he's reincarnated if She allows him to keep his memories.
(“Han Jisung. I'm glad you're awake." A voice rang and echoed around the room as soon as Jisung woke up, quickly closing his eyes again as he’s hit by a blinding light.
Once he had adjusted to the light, he looked towards where the sound was coming from and squinted at a silhouette. It slowly emerged from behind a see through-curtain, and Jisung couldn't help the small gasp he let out. He had taken in the being’s appearance, slightly intimidated by the towering height of probably no less than seven feet.
"Are you God?" he had asked.
"Yes."
"What should I call you?"
"Just God is fine, or Goddess. Some Angels refer to me as She as well."
Jisung nodded in understanding, looking around once more and at the.. Goddess in front of him. Jisung's eyes widened at the sudden realisation, mouth gaping and She looked at him sympathetically.
"Han, I know this is a lot-"
"Holy shit. You're a woman?"
The Goddess in front of him blinked once before throwing Her head back as She laughed.
Jisung flushed. “O-oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend-”
Her laughter didn’t cease and Jisung relished in how bright and joyous it was, a warm feeling spreading in his chest with it. Once composed, She heaved a sigh and smiled at a confused Jisung. “I am what you think I am. So, yes. I guess you could say I’m a woman?"
Jisung beamed. "Oh, crap! Minho's gonna have a field day with this information."
With the Goddess' amused smile, Jisung's mouth gaped before quickly scrambling to get an apology out. "Oh my God– I'm sorry I cussed. And shit- I just said Oh my God. And that too. I'm sorry. You're not sending me to hell, are you?"
The Goddess laughed again and Jisung felt at ease.)
There were a bunch of things that took some time before Jisung got used to doing, one just being like a ghost in general. There's no WikiHow anywhere that he can rely on or a proper How To Be A Good Ghost guide. The amount of times She had to come rescue him for accidentally getting stuck inside a wall at a failed transportation attempt are really embarrassing.
What Jisung didn't really expect is the grieving. He'd never been much of a religious person before, but he still figured he'd be at peace once he's gone. He didn't expect to grieve as well. For him. The people he left behind.
Them
That's one of the hardest parts as well; visiting his friends. His heart ached and longed to be there with him. He had cried with them during his own funeral, and had accompanied them in their everyday life. He had been there and lay with them as each of them cried silently at some nights.
He turned to watch as the Goddess played at Her Lyre, bringing him to a trance.
She finished and the last note seemed to linger in the air, bringing a sense of calmness all around. Jisung cleared his throat. "I was thinking."
"That's why I smell a rubber burning somewhere."
"Hey!" He pouted as She grinned at him.
"Sorry, my child. What is it?"
Jisung looked up again. "I've been here for a while now. Three years already?"
“Yes. It..’ She looked at him. “It has been three years today since the accident.” His face might have fallen because She frowned and softly muttered, "Han, I’m sorry. I know you don’t like it here."
"I do! I really do. But I can't help but feel that I'm supposed to do something."
"Well," she started, standing up and walking towards him. Her hair seemed to dance along with Her walk, and Jisung is still entranced with Her. She really is a Goddess, afterall. "What are you doing here, sitting and complaining then?" She teased. "You may find something that may answer your question if you go down there a little longer, no?"
"I have been there. Almost all the time. I feel ready to go.. wherever I need to go after all this." Jisung sat up and gestured around him. "Do you think I'm not?"
She smiled down at him, stroking his cheeks like a mother to her child, and Jisung found himself slightly leaning to Her touch. "I think you're brave Jisung. I do not play favourites, and you know that, but you are amusing from the moment you cuss at me." Jisung blushed at the memory and She smiled softly again. "I am not keeping you because I want to nor do I think you are not ready. What you feel here is solely your conscience. If you really think you are ready, then you are. I do not want my children to go based on my judgement alone. The only thing I want is for you to make your own judgement and decision without regrets."
Jisung nodded, seeming to think. "May I say goodbye first? To them? I know I am ready, but..” he trailed off and She stared at him patiently. “I want to see them for the last time.”
She nodded, and Jisung prepared himself.
🕊
Looking at you makes it harder
In all honesty, he really hasn't been down here for the last three months. He had known he’s already ready to go, and had just been trying to prolong it for as long as he could.
Three months is apparently a long time– the café he and Jeongin always go to has been completely rebuilt. No more cracked, white linoleums or the peeling corners of the wallpaper by the corner of the store that Jisung liked to stare at whenever Jeongin orders for them. Gone were the noisy but comforting hum of the beat up air conditioner placed at the back wall.
(Despite its appearance before, the café did well, always bustling with customers in the morning and regulars never failing to come throughout the day. Jisung smiled a bit at the thought of the old lady finally having enough funds to fix the place up a bit.)
The floor's a mixture of beige and green chessboard pattern and the wall is replaced by a brick design now. Fake plants and dimmed yellow light bulbs hang from the ceiling to the tables below it, creating a more home-y feeling.
Jisung smiled a bit as he sat down at their usual seat. It was placed near the back, where it's more private than the open windows at the front.
The tables have all been replaced as well. It’s still the same design and look- but the ones around him are new and Jisung couldn’t help the little pang at his heart.
Things really are changing and moving forward. It’s what he has always wanted, of course, but there’s still a twinge of pain from the constant reminder that he’s not there to witness it.
(And that he will be missing it onwards.)
“I mean at least they didn’t change this table.” He whispered, smoothing out his hands and chuckling quietly at the familiar ridges and cuts on the wood.
Almost every memory he had with Jeongin happened here, from the moment they met and to every little celebration they had. Jisung still looks back fondly at every memory. It’s when they go to after every exam, Jisung splurging money each time on Jeongin who laughed but ate every food he was given.
(“That looks tasty!” Jeongin said, eyeing the new cheesecake the cafe had in stock.
Jisung pressed up beside him, staring at the cheesecake wide eyed. “It is! Do you want it?”
“You’re broke, hyung.” Jeongin grinned, voice teasing.
Jisung and him shared a laugh before Jisung ruffled his hair. “That’s not a no. Mrs. Shin! We’ll have two of these new cheesecakes. And the red velvet cake. And two Iced Americanos as well!”)
It’s their to-go-to when the library is full and the whole group had to study together. Mrs. Shin was kind enough to let them crash even after closing time and let them cram in all the tables that could fit the eight of them comfortably. It’s where Jisung had taken him when Jeongin got dumped by his girlfriend and where Jisung was forced to go undercover by the younger one when Jeongin was too nervous that his date with a boy he went out with would go wrong.
It’s their shared safe place along with their shared apartment, this little table tucked around the corner by the back, and it left a bittersweet taste in his tongue that this is the first and the last place he’d be with him.
He had tuned and spaced out for a few minutes when someone sat in front of him, or flopped down, rather, as the boy slumped heavily to the table with an exasperated sigh.
Jisung's eyes slightly widened at the sight of Jeongin. His hair had gone longer, probably had not gotten a haircut for a month or two as it fell in his eyes. His cheekbones are more prominent too, but he seemed more healthy than scrawny. There was a shiny glint in the corner of Jisung's eyes and his gaze flickered down to the nametag plastered on Jeongin's shirt.
"You work here now?" Jisung had asked, although he knew he couldn't hear him. No one could. Jeongin didn't respond, as expected, but slumped down on his seat more.
Jisung saw his pout despite half of his face being hidden by his arms. "Who knows working at a cafe could be this tiring." Jeongin grumbled and Jisung couldn't help but coo. He ruffled his hair and even if it did nothing, Jisung smiled at the familiar gesture nonetheless.
“Aigoo, your shift ended already, Jeongin-ah. Aren’t you going home?” Mrs. Shin slided in to sit across from Jeongin, right beside where Jisung was sitting. Jeongin only let out a groan, before sitting up, eyes red rimmed.
Jisung sat staring at him, eyes wide with shock. He rarely ever saw him cry before, and Jisung was always easily swayed by his emotions as well so it was no surprise that Jisung started tearing up again. Mrs. Shin clicked her tongue and scooted to the other side to sit with the younger, putting his head by her shoulder, hiding his face with his hands as his shoulders shook.
“It’s today, isn’t it?” She whispered and Jeongin nodded silently, aside from the sniffles he let out. Mrs. Shin took a deep breath as well, eyes welling up with tears. “Oh honey,” she sniffled, voice wavering. “We all miss Jisung-ah. It’s fine to cry, sweetheart.”
And Jeongin did, although Jisung knew he was holding back his sobs, because that’s how he always is. He doesn’t want to let it all out, because they both knew that once he did, he won’t be able to stop.
He reached out to attempt to swipe the boy’s tears. “Don’t cry, Innie.” Jisung cried. “Hyung misses you as well.” He pulled his hand away, glancing at the little marking they left on the table. “This memory will play in your dreams later, I know it will. It has to. Hyung needs you to know that he’s incredibly proud of you okay?”
He thumbed the engraved date, “Remember four years ago? When you called me here in the middle of the day and I ran out of my classes in the rain because you were crying? Because you said you can’t do classes anymore, that you feel like you’re being left out?”
“And what did I tell you? That I know you can. We know you can, because you may be a little rascal sometimes and yeah, sometimes you make us play video games instead of studying,” Jisung reached out to touch his hands, “But I always see you staying up just as late to study for an exam and we always know you make Seungmin teach you what you can’t understand. Cause you’re smart, Innie. Hyung knows you are.”
He chuckled wetly, bringing his hands to wipe his tears that started blocking his vision. “And here you are now, four years later! Doing your master’s, acing your classes. Hyung couldn’t be more proud, Innie. I’ll always be. I always am.” He stood up, trudging to give him a hug from behind his chair.
Squeezing.
Feeling.
“You’re doing well, our Innie. Hyung loves you so much. And soon,” he squeezed harder. “Soon you’d graduate and you’d get a place of your own. One that’s nicer than our apartment you haven’t left. And along those years, you’d be moving on and I’d still continue to be proud of you.”
He kissed the top of his head. “You’re the best younger brother I could have gotten. I love you.”
🕊
You couldn’t have loved me better
“I still can’t believe you actually became a librarian.” Jisung teased, legs kicking back and forth at the little cart Seungmin was pushing around that had books he needed to reshelved. “I mean I know you’re a nerd, but God, you’re a nerd.”
It’s just well an hour after noon, so the library was awfully quiet and Jisung snickered at the thought. Not much was around, only a girl studying near by the door and a mother and daughter browsing the cooking aisle on the next row.
3 months is still a time gone by, and the next thing Jisung knows, a familiar cover and title is being shelved by Seungmin.
“Seungmin, your-”
“My book finally got published, Ji.” Seungmin muttered quietly, Jisung’s legs stopping before rushing down the cart to hug him.
“Your book got published!” Jisung whispered-yelled, hugging him while bouncing up and down. “You’ve been waiting forever-”
“Thank you, Ji.” Seungmin said, voice breaking and putting his head down.
Jisung frowned and slowly let go of him. “Seungmin?” He bent down to look at Seungmin’s face. “Min, what’s wrong?”
Seungmin dropped down to a squat, removing his glasses and quickly wiping at his face and Jisung quickly followed suit.
Jisung frowned at the tears that were spilling. “Hey, don’t cry.” He hugged him again, although the position was a bit awkward. “You’re ugly when you cry.” He whispered, leaning his head on top of the other boy, wiping at the stray tears on his eyes as well.
“Knew..” Seungmin sobbed quietly. “Knew you were waiting for this one to finish. I know how much you want to read it. I’m sorry it took me this long.”
“I hate working here, because working here reminds me of you, but I can’t not work here, because this is where our friendship was built, and I feel like losing this means losing you for good. I miss you more each day I walk here and I expect your stupid face to peek at the aisles with your stupid smile. This whole place is you, and I’m sorry for not calling whenever you miss me, and I’m sorry for turning you down whenever you ask to hang out.”
“Minnie..” Jisung sighed heavily, not stopping the tears that were falling again. “Dumbass, I know you love me. You wouldn’t check out books for other people because you’d want to check out some for yourself, but you did it for me anyways, because you know I’m shit at deadlines. You’d save my ass and stomp on our doorstep to drag us down here to study back when we were university students because you’ve always wanted to graduate together.” Jisung sat down on the ground fully, sitting in front of the crying boy. “I’m sorry we didn’t graduate together like we had planned, and I’m sorry I couldn’t read your book.” Jisung reached and cupped the younger boy’s face. “I love you and I’ll always cherish our moments together.
(When Seungmin left to go home, Jisung hopped onto the front of the store where Seungmin's books were put. He smiled at the first page, smoothing it out with his palm, before holding it close to him.
For Han Jisung,
You always read books out loud to me and it sucks that I won't get to hear you read mine.
I'll always miss you.)
🕊
Remember all the things we wanted?
Music is what Jisung had revolved his life around with. One of his first few memories in his life was going to his father's rehearsals and practice sessions with his band when he was young. His father wasn't famous nor his band was, but Jisung remembered that he was known in the little community they had. Jisung grew up with headpats and piggy rides from people with full sleeves of tattoos and wacky hair styles. Jisung grew up listening to the extensive amount of cassettes his father had collected throughout the years, and Jisung had expected he'd go down the same band-route, but they have been nothing but supportive when he told them sheepishly he wanted to be a rapper.
("You'll never catch Jisung not listening to music!" his father told the table full of Jisung's friends during the night of his high school graduation. "In the shower, when his mom asks him to wash the dishes- even if he's just moving from one room to another! His first words when he was a baby was 'skrrt'.")
He was set on what he wanted to do and what he wanted to become. He loved rapping and performing, but there was something magical about being able to create music behind the scenes, to figuring out what goes well with what. And he was lucky that he met two people along the way who were as passionate, if not more, than he was.
Jisung had been attached to Chan's side ever since they met, because Chan understood music and Chan understood Jisung's feelings towards it. If there really is someone who loves music more than Jisung, it would be Bang Chan. Being with Chan filled him with nostalgia, as they always went down that line of memory train. Chan had made a name for himself when he started university, having been the first one to pass an application track (and got qualified) of a full actual song produced by him, and the expectations the university had from Chan was always exceeded every time with an embarrassed laugh and a promise to do better.
Changbin was a combination of what Chan and Jisung had. Changbin was the one who would talk about elements and styles that went to their track, often having discussions and disagreements with Chan about what beat would fit well whereas Jisung was still only learning to tackle that part of producing. Changbin is not as quick as Jisung when it comes to writing lyrics (Chan had grumbled before that it was impossible to be able to make lyrics as fast as he did and Jisung's chest puffed with pride), but he had a talent of creating killer toplines. If Chan was a personification of nostalgia, then Changbin put all of that in songs he produced. His range always fell from making songs that had Jisung feeling like he had been listening to it his whole life to a completely new style that Jisung had never heard before, but just felt right.
(Seo Changbin and Bang Chan had a genre of their own, and Jisung was glad he was able to become a part of the process.)
With these special people always comes a special place. Every special person he had in his life had a place as a symbolism of their friendship, so it's no surprise that their place was a studio.
It was a studio that they rented during Jisung's first year in uni. Chan and Changbin were already working freelance in the side as well as the three of them taking part time jobs to pay for the rent. The studio was Jisung's haven, and whenever he needed to escape from the world and to the burden of responsibilities and expectations, the studio is where he ended up. After celebrations and wins and ups and downs, Jisung would be found scribbling in his worn down lyrics notebooks with his hyungs. The studio is where they had fights, resolved, and many tears were shed there.
(So many tears.)
There was something heavy that sat in his chest as he sat in the dark of the now empty studio.
It was his safe haven. Their safe haven. Jisung never blamed himself for his death, but God, the guilt was eating him as he watched Chan and Changbin slowly detached themselves from this studio.
What was once lively with their mixed laugh now sat in heavy silence. The couch was a bit dirty with dust, whereas it was always warm when he sat in it when he was alive.
It was so cold in the room. It was like it got frozen in time, like the three of them all just got up one day and never returned. There was still the black cap Changbin used to wear sitting in the corner and Chan's hoodie draped over the abandoned swivelling chair.
It was so lonely.
And he remembered that this is how it was during the first few months. When he waited for hours and days and weeks for one of them to come, because wasn't that how it always was? That if something happened, this studio is the place they'd run off to? It had only been a few weeks since he was gone then, but he felt like everything had changed.
Despite all of that, Jisung had long accepted that it is what it is.
(He knew how much his friends loved him, but he still couldn't believe the impact his death left them.)
For the past three years, Jisung had stayed here for an hour every week and during those times, he was lucky if Chan or Changbin even stayed for five minutes. Sure, the duo's friendship didn't falter, and they still work together even now, but Jisung never saw them at the studio together even once.
Except today, apparently.
Jisung was taken aback by the sudden flickering of the lights, the bulb flickering for a few seconds before fully lighting the whole place up and he watched as Changbin, Chan, and Felix trudged in the room. It was like watching an old clip. A memory, and Jisung didn't know if he was dreaming or not.
Chan casually put down his bag first then his laptop, like he had always done and Changbin made an automatic beeline towards the couch.
"S'been awhile," Chan finally said after he finished setting up his laptop to the big screen. He laughed sheepishly. "What are we going to do, anyways?"
Changbin had apparently been dusting off the couch, and he lay down on his stomach on it before spreading his arms wide. "I don't know." Changbin yawned, "But I'm going to fall asleep soon."
"S'abit dusty in here." Felix covered his nose when the dust from the couch flew off.
Changbin closed his eyes and Chan rolled Jisung's old chair closer to his own as well as Changbin's. Jisung wordlessly sat down on his and rested his head on Chan's shoulder, the action giving him a sense of deja vu. He stared at the screen on top as Chan and Felix chatter in the background.
Jisung smiled at the laptop screen. Chan never changed it when he set it, and it had been there for a few years now. It was taken when they went clubbing for a successful gig celebration, the photo taken by Seungmin. Jisung remembered how hard Seungmin drank that night and due to the shakiness and instability, the photo created a motion blur; Chan and Changbin were drunkenly hugging a beaming Jisung in the middle, clearly the three of them the main subject of the picture. At the back, Minho was laughing, wheel-barrowing a face-planted Felix and Jeongin's face was in a grimace as he pushed Hyunjin's hair off his face, the latter doubled over as he presumably threw up off the frame.
It was a wonderful night, them just dancing and being goofy together on the dancefloor, everybody letting loose and not caring how they all would go home. It was unforgettable for Jisung, and he was glad he wasn't the only one who shared the sentiment.
(No one knew then that it was the last night they'd be all together.)
"– Yeah, so, our song for Jisung is gonna be released in two minutes."
Jisung sat up from his position on Chan's shoulders. "What?" He glanced at the others to see if they were as confused as he was. "What do you mean?"
Of course he had known that Chan and Changbin are already rising to the top of the industry, both as a producer and artists. They have a few songs they have released, although their main focus was producing. Jisung had sat through with them on track making, celebrated with them during releases and successful comebacks for the artists they work with.
Our song for Jisung is gonna be released in two minutes.
"Wait, what song?" "I'm nervous."
Both Felix and Jisung talked at the same time, Jisung's brows furrowed with confusion.
"You did great recording it, Lix. Your voice was amazing." Chan reassured, giving Felix a pat on his knees.
"Yeah, I know. Thank you. It's just that," Felix looked up at the screen. "I wish Jisung.."
"Yeah." Chan muttered, head nodding. "He'd be proud of you."
"Move! Wait, ow–" Changbin yelled, grunting while sitting up. Jisung could see the unshed tears in his hyung's waterline, and he chuckled wetly at Changbin's attempt to break the solemn mood. "–Ah, I'm getting old. Anyway, I wanna listen to the release! It's already up, yeah?"
Chan laughed and Felix sat up to sit on another chair when Chan quickly pulled him in to sit on his lap instead. Jisung didn't miss the slight blush on both of their faces and Changbin's amused glance.
"Chan's getting bold–"
His tease immediately died down his throat when the first familiar note started playing, head whipping to look at the screen again that he didn't notice Chan already loaded.
I remember the day we first met
The shy smiles and the spilling sunlight
I knew, just by looking into your eyes
That we are one, that we are one
You are me
The back of his eyes stung from the tears already threatening to spill as he took in what's on the screen.
끝나지 않을 이야기
3RACHA (Ft. Felix)
"3ra.." Jisung gulped. "3racha? I'm still a part..?"
He gulped again as he stared at the cover. It was a black and white photo of him from what he assumed was during his highschool days. He was smiling– laughing. He didn't even know that such a picture was taken. That such a simple moment for him was something worth capturing for them.
The tears in his eyes freely flowed as he listened to the song. His last undone project that his hyungs had finally finished.
("I can't wait to record this, hyung!" Jisung had said, neck craned forward as he scribbled down on his worn out notebook, hands moving fast as he wrote the lyrics.
I believe I believe
Even if the world changes, I won’t change
Will you promise me?)
The song continues on, some lyrics Jisung was still familiar with after all the years that had passed, lyrics and verses that were completely new but go perfectly with the song, nonetheless.
(Jisung's song.
The song they finished for Jisung.)
The love you gave me remains
That’s how I have the strength to live
You don’t cry
Let’s save the goodbyes for the next time we meet
Never cry
It was one of the new verses he had never heard and Jisung felt the desperation in Changbin and Chan's voice in it. The message, their mixed voices– every element captured the longing and desperation that they all felt when writing the song. Jisung soaked it in as best as he could, tattooing the words to his heart as he listened.
The part leading to the last chorus was powerful– Changbin and Felix's joint rap, Chan's vocal and highnote in the background, and the harmonisation between the three of them in the final chorus. Jisung couldn't do anything but sob as raw emotions bled out from the song.
Please just smile next to me like you are now
The last piano notes hit, and Jisung's breath hitched as his own voice followed through, extending the song for a few more seconds. There was only the strum of the guitar, his voice and the quality of the audio scratchy as he sang the last chorus.
Never say goodbye, because you and I are one
Because we will walk in the same dream
Please just smile next to me like you are now
Farther than tomorrow, longer than forever
I love you
It was the rough draft that he had sent Chan when he finally figured out the melody, and sobs wrecked through Jisung's body.
He glanced to his left to look at them, Felix's face buried in Chan's neck, body shaking. Chan was keeping a straight face through it all, although there was a constant wobble to his lower lips and Changbin's head was down, cap pulled down to cover his face.
The screen was back to the Artist Info and Jisung read the short biography written about them through tears.
(3RACHA is a unit of the upcoming artists and producers from X Company: CB97, SpearB, and their late member and friend, J.One. All from Seoul, South Korea, the trio met and started making music since their highschool days, uploading music regularly on SoundCloud under the same name and joining gigs in clubs when they got into university. CB97 and SpearB work in partnership as producers for famous K-POP Groups as well as releasing solo music as individual artists after getting scouted by multiple companies through their SoundCloud.They have currently one song released titled 'Neverending Story'; a song originally started by J.One that CB97, SpearB, and another friend of theirs, Felix, finished and released in memory for the late J.One. "3RACHA will always be that– Three. and we will continue to release music under it, because we would've never push through without Jisung's encouragement. And Jisung was and always is a part of us.")
(When everything is packed and they were all ready to go, he glanced around the room for the last time; the dusty coffee table that was still littered with scraps and pencils, the three creaky chairs that are pushed next to each other in front of the large table– if Jisung closes his eyes hard enough, he could still hear their laughter as they cram songwriting there.
He only had a few seconds to look when he saw the familiar beaten up notebook in Chan's bag, packed neatly in between some of the folders and papers. Jisung's all too messy scribble of 'lyrics' in front of it standing out.)
🕊
I didn’t come here to hurt you, now I can’t stop
Even when he was alive, there really wasn't anything better than winding down at Minho's house.
Minho's house is almost his own– it's where they'd both run off to after classes ever since their elementary days and that hasn't changed when they got into uni.
Even when Minho moved out of his parents' house and into the dorm, and later into an apartment by himself, it had been Jisung's favourite spot to kill time some time with; whenever he had a fight with Jeongin, when Jeongin have someone over and Jisung had been promptly kicked out, the group's celebration place or where they crash to after a drunken night out of the bar. It all happened here.
And just like countless times before, Jisung was there first before the owner himself, and he had taken his time to explore everything before Minho arrived.
Something in his stomach churned when he opened his usual wardrobe in Minho's room, only to find it replaced with clothes that weren't his. He assumed it was Minho's and some of them were, but it's mostly designer clothes and cardigans he recognized but couldn't place his finger on.
(For two years, his clothes remained untouched. It had been a while since he snooped, and for others it might have been just a small thing, but for Jisung and for Minho it's a step. A small one, but a step nonetheless into moving on.)
He spotted a box he had not seen before and was about to go digging (maybe he had something he could tease Minho about. Jisung could almost see the Goddess shaking Her head at the innuendo) when the front door opened.
Running towards the front door, Jisung yelled out a gleeful "Hyung!" and engulfed Minho into a quick hug before releasing him.
Of course there were no reactions, but he hummed as he watched Minho put the kettle on like he always does whenever he gets home. It's the same old, white ceramic one that Jisung had gotten him, but this time it had been carefully decorated and painted with flowers, the curves of the lines of the vines and petals dripping with familiarity as well.
Jisung watched as the older worked through his routine. He watched in fascination as it still looked the same, yet subtle things had been added.
Like his home. Like Minho himself.
The new flowers hanging outside the balcony shared the same pattern as those in the kettle. Jisung watched as Minho subconsciously scratched at his stubble that he had been putting off on shaving. There is still the house slipper by the foyer that Minho insisted on having but rarely used, but there was an extra pair of pastel pink slippers next to his own usual blue striped ones. Minho ran his hand through his outgrown hair that almost touched the back of his neck when it had not touched even a brush of his eyelash before.
Jisung and Minho had always been afraid of heights ever since they were young, but nothing would stop them from watching the sunset by Minho's balcony (as far away as possible from the railings, of course), and what better way to spend the last day like how they always do? So Jisung went to sit on the balcony railings, right across from his usual seat. His feet went back and forth as he watched the bamboo windchime spin but never collided to make a noise.
Jisung was broken out of his trance when Minho sat at the chair they had placed there when Minho first moved in, putting down two mugs of hot cocoa.
(Jisung had always wondered where his things ended up, and it seemed like everybody had a little piece of him they carried with them.
Jisung smiled at the familiar quokka shaped mug that Felix had handmade so all of them could have different animals but matching mugs.)
"Made it like you always had it." Minho quietly said, twisting the mug so that its handles were placed on Jisung's side of the table.
Jisung whispered a thank you and the bamboo chimed once.
"Wish you were here, Hannie." Minho said simply. Jisung had heard it so many times today, but it still didn't stop hurting, nor did it stop him from longing for it.
The bamboo chimed again.
Minho rarely cried, but Jisung had always been there ever since they were kids, so he had seen it a lot still. There was one time when they were kids when Minho had gotten lost, and when he finally got home, he cried his eyes out because he had worried he made his mom worry too much. Or during their middle school when Minho's first cat had passed away, and he and Jisung skipped school just so they could play video games to distract Minho.
(Or when the news finally reached Minho, and Jisung saw how his face fell, his eyes dimmed. It was an odd thing to see, standing in a waiting room in a hospital for the announcement as if he didn't know what happened himself. As if he didn't know the result already.
It was odd to see the first time Lee Minho broke in front of everyone, how Jisung's mother immediately reached for Minho just in time Minho physically collapsed. How she cradled Minho' head like she always did when he let his tough exterior crumble, but his mother is crying too. And his father. And everyone around him. And the group saw Minho's world shatter firsthand. It was noisy. Everyone was crying, and even if Minho's sobs were muffled by Jisung's mother's neck, somehow, it was still the loudest.)
Jisung didn't know how, nor did he question it– how he found himself, thirty minutes later, in the same position they were in three years ago. With Minho sitting on his bed, gripping the framed picture of him and Jisung when Jisung finally joined him in uni. They were grinning, making bunny ears for each other, and Jisung could remember the excitement and the fear of starting a new big step, but also the certainty of what he wants for the future.
The picture seemed long ago when it had only been four years since it was taken, and Jisung felt as helpless as he did three years ago when he scrambled to hug his best friend as Minho wailed. Sobs wrecked his whole body as he curled in on himself, voice breaking but the room was filled with it as he cried out Jisung's name.
(Three years is nothing compared to the seventeen years Jisung was there. How do you suddenly live with the fact that the one thing that had been constant in your life is suddenly ripped apart from you? And Jisung realised that no amount of change could ever repair the hole that Jisung left in Minho's heart. They have all since accepted that a tiny part of Minho had died as well.)
Jisung felt helpless, like he did the first time, and Jisung felt like a new ghost again; scrambling and begging and hoping to reach out to them in hopes they could feel him, and reassure that "Hey! I'm here! I've always been here." And Jisung almost did. Jisung almost begged Her to grant him this one last wish so he could hug him for real for the last time like he failed to do so before.
His prayers came in the form of Hwang Hyunjin. Hyunjin who had hurriedly sat by where his ghost was sitting, cradling Minho's head to his chest, coat still on, breath huffing, and pastel pink slippers almost falling from his feet.
Unlike three years ago, the two whole weeks it took for Minho to leave his room only lasted for two hours now. Jisung watched as Hyunjin frantically moved in the kitchen, quickly heating up the kettle and making a new batch of hot cocoa.
(Jisung just now noticed the additional ferret-shaped mug to the usual quokka one and bunny one.
Three months really is something, because suddenly the extra slippers, the new clothes, the paintings, and the newly large bed made sense.)
Jisung had always feared about leaving his best friend behind the most, but as he watched the way Minho relaxed as Hyunjin cuddled closer to the older's arms, Jisung knew he'd be alright. Not now; not in a few months. And maybe not next year. But Minho will heal, and maybe in the next three years, these two hours will turn into two minutes. Until his sobs turn into fond smiles as he looks at the framed picture of their younger selves.
🕊
We were always meant to say goodbye
(The contents of the mysterious box was answered after Minho was finally asleep. Hyunjin had gone to the dresser to get something from it and Jisung's eyes softened as Hyunjin pulled out numerous clothings of Jisung's before grabbing his Supreme shirt at the bottom and putting it on. Hyunjin quickly wrote a note and went out of the door.
"Hyung," it read. "I'm just out in the studio to finish up some paintings. I'll get back soon. Love you. x.")
Hyunjin had been the first one to graduate out of all of them, scoring a modelling job and a job as a fashion designer right after his internship during his senior year. It had only been a year after his death when Hyunjin graduated, Jisung didn't know how advanced he was exactly, but since Hyunjin have been one of the smartest in the group ever since they were young and combined with his designing skill, Jisung have never doubted if he could make it. Jisung had been there to watch his first shoot, cheering and whooping praises on the side even if no one could hear him. Bragged about it to the Goddess, even. Jisung had been there when all of them stayed up late to watch the first runway of Hyunjin's design abroad, yelling and laughing with them as Minho recorded Hyunjin's interview, thanking everyone and giving a special mention to his friends.
(He saw the way Seungmin's breath hitched and Felix's eyes well up when he heard it, and he couldn't stop the single tear that fell from his eyes.
"–and all of these wouldn't be possible if it weren't from my friends. I know they're watching right now so Chan hyung, Changbin hyung, Lino hyung, Yongbok, Seungmin, Innie and-" Hyunjin beamed. "To our Jisungie! I made it. Thank you.")
Hyunjin had accomplished so much, and Jisung had teared up as he watched the runway. Some of the designs were new, and some he knew like the back of his hand, from the countless nights he stayed up with Hyunjin in a cafe to rush his university portfolio, to the little doodles Hyunjin had drawn in the back of his notebook during their classes in highschool.
He had known Hyunjin the longest after Minho. Hyunjin knew everything about him, and Hyunjin told him everything.
Or maybe not everything.
"Your art is going to be in a fucking exhibition?!" Jisung screeched, looking wide-eyed and back and forth between the opened invitation and to Hyunjin, who remained unbothered as he picked up his brushes from around the studio.
"Hwang Hyunjin, I am your best friend. I can't believe you didn't tell me about this!" Jisung continued whining, watching as Hyunjin grumbled as well as he ran around the studio. Pouting, Jisung kicked at a stray brush on the floor.
He stopped sulking when the brush actually did roll towards Hyunjin's feet. Hyunjin let out a relieved sigh as he picked it up before coming back to the huge painting that had been sitting in the middle of the room.
Jisung's fake annoyance fell as he began watching Hyunjin work. His eyebrows knitting in concentration and his tongue slightly poking out as he squinted at the canva, getting so close Jisung feared he'd collide with it.
Jisung spent so much time here as well, when Hyunjin first rented it, when he and Felix felt like skipping classes and they knew Hyunjin would be holed up in here. The sound of pencil scratching on paper served as a white noise as Jisung sat on the floor near Hyunjin when he was reading, always enjoying each other's presence. Him and Hyunjin never really have to constantly talk, both enjoying and basking in each other's presence. They could be in the same room and do opposite things with unspoken silence, as long as they're together.
"You're here, aren't you, Ji?" Hyunjin had quietly asked, making Jisung snap his head towards him. "I feel silly talking by myself. We never really talk if we're alone back then, but somehow I feel at ease if I talk now. Like you're still here."
I am, though. Jisung furrowed his brows. The curtains lightly swayed and Hyunjin chuckled.
The familiar first line of King Princess' 1950 played on shuffle and Hyunjin stopped to stare at his phone for a moment. "Weird," he paused. "We're not even together, but we have an us song, and a Sapphic one at that!"
For the next two hours and for the first time that day, Jisung was the one listening as Hyunjin rambled on. Talking, explaining- as if he knew Jisung was there.
(And maybe he knew. Maybe they knew. And maybe that's why it seemed harder than any other days. Maybe they knew it would be a proper goodbye.)
He talked about how he was booked to fly to Paris to watch a runway he had been invited to, and how he had been invited as well to have a few of his paintings in an exhibition in Seoul for a few weeks. Hyunjin filled him up with information about the others' love lives as well.
("Felix is still in denial about the possibility of Chan hyung liking him back! Can you believe it? As if the massive crush hyung has on him since his cute little freckled ass stepped into uni isn't obvious," Hyunjin rolled his eyes, before grinning widely. "On the other hand, Jeongin's seeing a girl!" and it felt just like old times. )
Hyunjin's rambling was cut off when his phone rang, immediately wiping his hands off on his jumper before accepting it.
"Minho hyung? Yeah, I'll be out in a few minutes. I'm–" Hyunjin stepped back to admire the painting, Jisung smiling at the familiar sight of the little whiskers that appeared when Hyunjin smiled. "It's finally done, hyung."
Jisung had been standing by the back of the canva all this time, watching Hyunjin paint rather than the painting itself, so he rushed to stand up next to Hyunjin and-
His mouth gaped as he stared at the painting before him.
It's him.
A huge five feet portrait of Jisung. He didn't know if it was from a photo of him, or was it purely out of Hyunjin's memory, and somehow that made it even more wonderful. Jisung couldn't imagine– couldn't fathom how Hyunjin did it. When he did it and the effort and time it took for him to do it.
Jisung in the painting was smiling, his teeth flashing in a grin as his eyes squinted. His back was turned towards the viewer, but his face was angled so it would look like he was looking back. His shoulders are bunched up as if it was captured mid-laugh, and Jisung relished how lovely and lively the painting is.
"Yeah, I'm- It's going to be part of the exhibition, hyung." Jisung whipped his head to stare at Hyunjin before throwing his arms around his neck, hugging him tightly. Jisung felt new tears pricked his eyes, and he briefly wondered just how much more of it was he going to cry.
"I never wanted to share Jisung to the world, but if I can share even just a fraction of how wonderful he was. How wonderful he is. How we see him–" Hyunjin shakily exhaled. "I hope he likes it."
"Jinnie, I love it. Thank you." he stood up on his toes to place a quick peck on Hyunjin's cheeks. "I love you. Thank you for making me feel alive again."
🕊
You know that I love you so
They both whipped their heads when the studio door opened. Felix came in, holding a bunch of flowers in his hand. "Hyung said you'd be here-" Felix started, but pausing when he was in front of the canvas.
Jisung heard the gulp and the quiet crack in Felix’s voice. “It’s done?” Felix asked, and Hyunjin nodded.
Felix nodded, looking around the room as his eyes filled with tears. “Weird that it’s only just us two here now.”
“I sometimes still buy Jisung’s Americano by accident.” Hyunjin confessed. “I don’t even drink it.”
Felix chuckled, sitting as Hyunjin finally moved from his place to clean up the brushes and paints scattered around the room. “I get what you mean. The first few months..”
Felix gulped. “The first few months.. I always unconsciously stop in front of his and Innie’s apartment because we always walk together. It was a hassle you know? His apartment is across the campus from mine, yet he insists we walk together.”
“You know how he was. He was always a late riser, so I had to be the one to yank him out of the bed. After the accident, I still find myself outside the apartment by accident, waiting for a few minutes before realising I’ve got no one to wait for anymore. Then I’d walk back to campus by myself.”
Jisung cupped Felix’s face, bringing his forehead to rest on his. He remembered those. It’s true that it’s more convenient for Felix to go straight to class as their class was closer to his dorm, but despite him grumbling and playfully complaining, Jisung always woke up to him shouting on his face, Felix yanking his feet down roughly off the bed to wake him up, or bouncing on top of him as he giggled. It was annoying, but then Felix would greet him, with a smile on his face. “Good morning, Hannie!” and Jisung knew that his day would go well.
So it was weird. Felix was always his ray of sunshine, and he still is, but it was weird to see the light dimmed in his eyes three years ago and never return. They always celebrated their birthdays together, staying with each other and with the others until the late night of September 14th turned into the early hours of September 15th.
Now it was only last year when Chan successfully managed to take Felix out to celebrate when Felix started shutting himself in his apartment until those two days passed. Felix would emerge on the 16th, laughing and giddy as if nothing happened. As if the red rimmed eyes were not an indication of something. Chan hosted a three day sleepover in his apartment last year on September 13th, and Felix finally broke down in front of everyone the following day after years of suppressing to show his emotions.
(Jisung watched as everything around his friends shifted after his death.)
Hyunjin broke their silence. “Heard the new song, by the way. How dare you make me cry in the back of the taxi!”
Felix giggled and Hyunjin joined along. Jisung just sat quietly, hand resting on top of Felix’s. “Honestly,” Hyunjin sighed. “It was.. Good. Did you write some of the lyrics?”
“Yeah.” The nod Felix gave surprised Jisung and he tightened his hold on the boy’s hands. Felix's voice was strained as he continued talking, “Some lyrics were from the letters I write whenever I miss him.”
The sob that Felix let out startled both Hyunjin and Jisung, Hyunjin quickly walking across the room to crouch down in front of Felix. Jisung cupped Felix’s cheeks again, softly brushing across the littered freckles.
“No..” Felix hiccuped. “No amount of letters can get the picture out of my head, Hyunjin. I still have nightmares sometimes where I relive the moment all over again. Of Jisung laying on the sidewalk. What if I..” Felix threw himself to Hyunjin, Hyunjin holding him close by the back of his head as he stroked his hair. “What if I arrived just a little bit earlier? What if I told Jisung to just meet at another place? I could’ve prevented-”
“You did everything you could, Felix,” Hyunjin cut off, voice thick with emotions. “No one knew what would happen. God knows the pain you’re going through upon witnessing something like that.”
Jisung stared at them wide eyed as the story from that day was recounted. He had never gone back to witness it, never was curious to find out what actually happened. He didn’t know-
“I stayed with him through everything,” Felix cried out. “The- the everything, Hyunjin. I kept reliving it. The blood, the ambulance, the-” Felix gasped a breath of air. “Every night I dream I’m back in that god forsaken ambulance, I’m back where I was cradling Jisung’s body. I-”
Jisung sat in silence as he processed everything. Felix's sobs filled the room and the occasional sniffle from Hyunjin told him there was not a dry eye in that room that moment.
He dropped to his knees and pushed himself forward to join the pile on the floor, hugging Felix as tightly as he could. Jisung was not crying, for the first time. The words sat dead on his throat.
It was only then that he realized he might have died once, but the people he left behind dies everyday.
🕊
Jisung swings his legs back and forth as he sits on top of his gravestone, whistling the Neverending Story tune as he waits for the Goddess to arrive. His grave was somewhere in a graveyard near a mountain side, overlooking the view of the city of Seoul.
He accompanied Hyunjin and Feflix to his grave, his friends dropping off the flowers on it. Hyunjin went back to the car first while Felix stayed behind, lighting some candles.
Jisung finally gave him one last hug when Felix stood up, staring at the words engraved in it. “I’m sorry you had to go through that, Lixie.” Jisung whispered. The wind howled and Jisung felt Felix slightly shiver. “But thank you. For staying with me until the end.”
Felix sniffled and walked away moments after, steps leisurely slow. Jisung sat on top of his gravestone as he watched him go. When Felix was finally in a good distance, he looked back again and Jisung waved.
What he didn’t expect was for Felix's eyes to slightly widen before he smiled, waving back.
Did he-
Surely not, right?
"Well, you're calm for someone who's going." The voice of the Goddess startles him from his daydream that he nearly flies off from his seat.
"Jesus!" He cries and the Goddess raises an amused eyebrow at him. He clears his throat, blushing. "I mean, don't creep on me like that, please!"
She only chuckles. She is sitting under the big oak tree in the graveyard and Jisung doesn't know how long she had been there. She pats her folded lap. "Lay your head here."
Jisung jumps off from the top of his gravestone, brushing his fingers across the words engraved on it and picking a flower that Hyunjin dropped off. He makes his way towards the Goddess, laying his head down on Her lap, hugging the flower close to his chest.
"What have you done today?" She asks, and Jisung smiles at that. She sees everything, but it still feels great whenever She asks him directly.
"Cry." Jisung answers, smiling when he hears Her laugh.
"So I've seen." She teases. Her laughter dies down, and there's a gust of wind that flies by. "They're good friends."
Jisung's breath hitches, and he nods, eyes tightly close. "The best there is."
He opens his eyes and sees Her concern look and smiles. "They'd be okay. You'd protect them, wouldn't you?"
She chuckles again, nodding. "Of course. Are you underestimating me, child?"
"You said it, not me." Jisung grins. He hums and looks back at Her. “Did you do that?”
The Goddess’ eyes twinkled. “Did what?”
“Felix waved at me.”
“Oh.” She smiles knowingly. “Who knows?”
Jisung smiles and stares off in the distance. He thinks back to his friends again. To Jeongin who's holed up in their apartment, to Seungmin staying behind work hours at the library. Hyunjin and Minho are probably watching something while Hyunjin’s all cosy in Jisung's clothes. Changbin, Felix, Chan going home to tune the rest of the day off, hopes for it to end soon.
Or maybe they're all together; laughing or teasing each other or crying. Whatever it is, they're together. With each other.
All of them.
Jisung smiles. "They're okay."
He closes his eyes as he feels Her cards through her hair, and Jisung, after these past few years, finally feels at peace.
"Think I can ask for a favour?" Jisung asks.
The Goddess hums, amused. "And what would it be?"
"When I reincarnate. Can it be not immediately? Can I wait for them? So we'd be all together again in the next lifetime." He says, smiling at the thought. "We can be anything. Animals, brothers, used pencil shreds in a trashcan." She laughs. "I just want us all together again. Longer time as well, please."
"Sure." She answers and Jisung thinks She might actually be serious despite the teasing smile he can hear.
The hand on his hair is gentle, enough to lull him to a sleep, and the heavy weight on his chest that had been there since he got here three years ago is no longer there.
He yawns. "I'm sleepy."
"Good."
Jisung feels his head sink deeper.
Soft.
"Thank you."
She only hums. "Sleep well."
And it's the last thing Jisung hears before he lets go.