Chapter Text
When Carmilla logged into the video chat, the screen showed only an empty desk and a pile of papers.
“Carm!” Laura’s head popped up from somewhere below the desk, “Hold on.” When Laura popped back up, she had a bunch of loose cookies in her arms. Carmilla smiled as Laura dropped them on the desk, leaving behind crumbs on her dark blazer.
“Cupcake, we talked about trying food with nutritional value on occasion,” Carmilla said as Laura sat down.
Laura grinned at her, “I think there’s something green and leafy in the fridge. Kale maybe?”
“Doesn’t work if you don’t eat it,” Carmilla muttered.
“What was that?” Laura asked.
“Nothing,” Carmilla waved her off, “How’s your article going? Still working on that piece on social justice?”
Laura’s eyes brightened and she started describing the nuances of her article as though they were still trapped together in a in University dorm room where Laura was a freshman trying to track down a kidnapper no-one else believed in and Carmilla was just a leather wearing politics major with a love of philosophy who was stuck sharing her dorm room.
Camilla let herself slump into her couch as Laura rambled. Usually Carmilla loved to jump back in time with her. Thursday nights video calls were the highlight of Carmilla’s week. But not this week. Not with the election and her mother’s demands hovering over her.
Now all she saw was reality. Laura was a world class journalist a thousand miles away in the heart of Toronto. Carmilla was almost the country’s youngest elected member of parliament in one of the most influential seats in the government.
Almost being the operative word. Mother did not settle for almost.
“Carm,” Laura’s sing song voice brought her back, “Carm. You’ve gone away again.”
Carmilla rolled her eyes, “I’m right here, cupcake.”
Laura shook her head and grinned, “I can see your brain going a mile a minute, if even my super exciting story about cornering judges in the restroom can’t keep your attention then it’s got to be something big.”
“Please tell it was the woman’s washroom,” Carmilla said.
Laura smiled innocently, “Did you know that it’s actually really easy to mix up which bathroom is which? Totally innocent mistake.”
“Mmhmm,” Carmilla said.
“Don’t think I missed that deflection either,” Laura leaned towards the screen and Carmilla tried not to notice her blazer gaping slightly in the bust.“Come on. I know you’re down in the polls but you’ll pull it right back up. Just wait. MP Karnstein is going to be a legend.”
“You’ve got to be elected to be an MP.” Carmilla muttered, picking up the laptop and walking over to her office.
“Come on,” Laura said, “Between Perry, Will, and your Mother, they’ll make sure you’ll get there. I’m sure they’re already cooking up some sort of plan that you can shoot down.”
Carmilla’s laugh was dry and hard as she put the laptop down on her desk, “Oh, Mother’s already got a plan.” Carmilla reached into her desk drawer and pulled out a package of her own cookies.
“Don’t judge,” Carmilla said before Laura could say anything, “I picked up this bad habit from a tiny gay cupcake I know.” Carmilla sank into her desk chair as Laura raised her hands and grinned at her, shoving her own cookie in her mouth.
Mumbling around the cookie, Laura asked, “So what’s this plan that’s got you all out of sorts?”
Carmilla put her head on her desk and mumbled something unintelligible.
“I can’t hear you when you’re being melodramatic,” Laura said.
Carmilla raised her head slightly, “You know what’s the worst part? My mother’s actually right. This plan would fix the polls. Even Perry and Will couldn’t disagree with that, even if they don’t like the idea itself.”
“Alright,” now Laura was practically buzzing with curiosity, “You’ve got to tell me. It’s super rude to keep your best friend in such suspense. Not to mention that you know I’ll get it out of you eventually, I mean, that is my job. Sniffing out secret-”
“I’ve got to get married.” Carmilla blurted, looking up.
Laura blinked twice. Then the screen froze on Laura’s face adorably scrunching tighter and tighter as she absorbed the information. Carmilla felt a small smile creep across her face. It bloomed into a full blown smile when the words finally came shooting through the connection.
“-not even seeing anyone are you? Are you? Because I feel like that’s something you need to tell your best friend. Preferably far before you actually get engaged.” Carmilla sat back, enjoying Laura’s tirade. The cupcake was practically jumping in her chair as she continued, “Because I have to vet this girl to make sure she’s good enough for my best friend. Although, I mean. I guess it would fix all those accusations about you being too young and that they can’t have an MP going on dates and how people would seduce you for information or personal benefit. Realy though. Do they even know you? You’re like un-seducable. If anything you’ll be seducing the innocent members of your constituency.”
“Laura,” Carmilla interjected, ”get to the point.”
Laura paused mid-rant and shoved another cookie in her mouth. She swallowed and said, “Who are you marrying?”
“No idea.” Carmilla said.
“No idea!” Laura repeated, “Carm, you can’t just marry someone for a campaign. That’s insane. I mean, I know your mother is intense but seriously.”
Carmilla hadn’t expected to enjoy this quite so much but the rage coming from Laura on her behalf was slowly untwisting the heavy knots that had formed in her stomach when she’d met her mother this morning.
Carmilla sighed, “I won’t actually be marrying them.” She explained, “I just need to get engaged and act like I’m going to marry them. You know, plan a wedding, buy flowers, act in love. We set a date that’s after the election. Then once the election’s all over and I’m elected, I can get dumped at the altar.” Carmilla shrugged, “Mother thinks that the sympathy will be enough to carry public approval for a while.”
“Carmilla,” Laura shook her head, “that’s insane.”
“Perhaps,” Carmilla steepled her fingers, “and I don’t like it anymore than you do but can you think of a reason why it wouldn’t work? People will stop harping on ‘The Dating MP’ and focus back on the real issues of my campaign.”
“But a whole marriage?” Laura said.
“I want to help people,” Carmilla leaned forward now, “if I do this and I get in then I can really help people Laur. That’s the only reason I got into this mess. Not because I’m a Karnstein or because my grandfather did it or because my mother wanted me to. I can help a lot of people if I get in instead my asshole of an opponent. Wouldn’t you rather have me than Rick McRaffle even if I’ve got to fake a marriage to do it?”
Carmilla frowned as Laura ate a third cookie and said, “Of course, I’d rather have you. And maybe I can get why you want to go ahead with this crazy plan. But Carm, you can’t just acquire a fake fiance like you’re looking for a campaign manager.”
“Ah but,” Carmilla leaned into her leather bag and slid out a folder, “my mother has prepared a list of both necessary qualities and suggested candidates.”
Laura’s hand flew to her mouth to cover her smile, “She didn’t!”
WIth a smirk, Carmilla made a few clicks on her computer, “I’ve sent you a copy.”
Laura frantically tried to find her email in the hoard of tabs that Carmilla knew she left open. Carmilla shook her head and nibbled on her own cookie, reviewing the first page of eight pages that made up her mother’s list
No Criminal Record
Politically and Socially connected
Comfortable in High Society
Ability to Maintain Secrecy
High Powered Career
Well Respected in Their Field
Name Recognition
Aesthetically Pleasing
Suddenly there was a guffaw coming through the speakers, “Carm,” Laura giggled, “I don’t care what your mother thinks. Number one has to be ‘Someone who can actually put up with Carmilla’s sass’.”
Carmilla rolled her eyes, “That girl doesn’t exist.”
“Oh yes,” Laura said, her overacting bringing a smile to Carmilla’s lip, “heaven forbid Carmilla Karnstein actually be fond of someone.” Laura kept scrolling, “There’s got to be someone out there you don’t hate, having a fake fiance is going to be pretty horrible if you can’t even tolerate them. I mean, I fully expect to be in the fake wedding party and I don’t want to have to hang out with someone awful just because they’re,” she squinted at the screen, “under 5’5?”
“Mother, thinks an extreme height difference would diminish my image,” Carmilla explained.
Laura nodded and kept reading. Carmilla put her papers down. Laura wasn’t wrong, she would be spending an awful lot of time with her fake fiance and running a campaign made her miserable enough. She really didn’t need an incompetent lump of a fiancee too.
If only most people weren’t so stupid.
Boys were out. No matter what her mother said she was not going to ‘suddenly become bisexual’. Not that there was anything wrong with being bisexual but there’s no way she was compounding her lies. The premiere was gay. It would be fine.
Even with half the population available, there were very few people who didn’t immediately drive her up the wall. Even Perry drove her insane half the time. Laf was usually alright. Still, Carmilla figured it was a little much to ask your campaign manager if you could borrow her person for a fake wedding.
“Alright,” Laura said, sitting back, “you’re right. This girl doesn’t exist.”
“Second attachment,” Carmilla said.
There was a few clicks then Laura said, “Is this a list of potential fiancees?”
“A veritable who’s who of Canadians,” Carmilla confirmed.
“Pshaw,” Laura scoffed, “That’s exactly what they said about the MacLean’s 30 under 30 List.”
The memory made Carmilla smile, “And it’s not a who’s who list until you’re on it?”
“You know it,” Laura said. Carmilla froze, looking down at her list as Laura continued, “They’re going to rue the day they left me off. I mean, I was on Time’s Top 100. What does MacLean’s know?”
“What if you were?” Carmilla said slowly. Her brain flashed at mile a minute as she put the pieces together. The crazy pieces.
“Trust me,” Laura grabbed another cookie, “I checked that list like 50 times. No Laura Hollis.”
“No, I,” Carmilla swallowed sharply, “What if you were on my list?”
Laura absently took a bite of cookie, “What if I was on your list? On your…” Then Laura’s head whipped up, her mouth open to reveal the bit of cookie still on her tongue.
“You asked if there was anyone I don’t hate,” Carmilla forged ahead, “that’s you. It makes the perfect story. Marriage to my best friend. That’s romantic and crap. Appeals to the voters. Plus you already know everything about me so no problem there. And think about it,” Carmilla looked back down at this list, “you fit all of these. If anything you kept me from getting a criminal record in university. You’ve interview all of the big names and you know everyone. You used to cover galas and charity events so you’re not going horrify mother by using the wrong soup spoon. You already know all of my secrets so you’re probably not going to blab about the whole fake marriage thing. You’re a journalist who was shortlisted for a freaking Pulitzer. Well respected. Your name has been on thousands of articles. You’ve got that whole cute-sexy vibe going for you so Mother couldn’t possibly have any objections on aesthetics. You’re even shorter than I am. I’m sure why you weren’t on here to begin with.”
Carmilla looked up. Laura was still staring at her, cookie slowly dissolving on her tongue. Colour was slowly rising to Laura’s face as she turned a more and more vibrant shade of red.
The paper began to stick to Carmilla’s clammy hands as she repeatedly ran her fingers over the edge. It had seemed so easy in her head, such a logical conclusion. Laura was the only person that didn’t annoy her.
Carmilla shook her head to clear it, “Sorry cupcake. Sorry. I just. That was insane. I’m a little stressed out. Sorry, forget I said anything.”
Laura put her half eaten cookie down.
“Carm,” Laura said softly, “Did you just asked me to marry you and immediately retract the offer?”
Carmilla squirmed slightly, “Fake marriage technically.”
The usual pleasant silence between them that Carmilla prized was replaced with a heavy quiet.
“Just forget about it, Cupcake,” Carmilla muttered.
“I don’t think that’s possible,” Laura bounced to her feet and started pacing the room.
“Seriously, Laura, I’ll just marry” Carmilla looked back down at her list, “Elsie Gale.”
Laura abruptly stopped pacing and clicked furiously on her computer, “You are not marrying that witch.”
Carmilla’s eyebrows shot up.
“She sicced her parrot on me,” Laura said matter of factly, “In fact, having interviewed half this list and met the rest, I can safely assure you that you can’t marry any of them. I know all their dirty secrets. Illegal land grabs. Foreign offshore accounts. Secretly married,” Laura started running through the list, “Serial cheater, hates the colour yellow, hates chocolate, anti-feminist, really weird, pretty sure they’re 60, eats sushi with a fork.”
Carmilla blinked then smirked, “I don’t know. The 60 year old sounds alright.”
Laura scoffed, “Trust me.”
“Well, since you’ve vetoed my entire list,” Carmilla threw her hands up, “what would you propose I do cupcake? Marry Kirsch?”
Laura said nothing. She stared out what Carmilla knew was her office window, the light of the setting sun perfectly hitting her silhouette. The knot in Carmilla’s stomach loosened a little more as she stared at her best friend. The feeling was disconcerting but not unfamiliar.
“Hello,” Carmilla snapped at the screen, “Earth to Laura. If I can’t marry anyone on this list then I’m going to need a solution here.”
Laura took a deep breath and let everything out in one sentence, “I believe in your campaign Carm and I think you’d be good for the country and as your best friend it’s important that we stick together and since these girls are all horrible and I’m pretty sure that I’m the only one who could put up with you anyway and because you can’t bite your head off your fiancee. I guess that, yes, I will fake marry you.”
Carmilla’s jaw dropped.
“Okay, Great! Bye!” Laura’s red face disappeared as she hit the end call button.
Carmilla lunged forward, “What? Laura? Wait!” When repeatedly hitting the call button did not, in fact, bring Laura back, Carmilla leaned forward with her fingers massaging her temples and stared at the dark screen.
Will walked into her office 47 minutes later and found her in the same position.
“Whoa sis,” he plopped into the chair across from her, “You look like you got hit by a train.”
Carmilla finally looked at him, “I’m going to marry Laura Hollis.” Carmilla let the words sink into her bones and found them settling comfortably in her chest.
Will spluttered and tilted forward, “What?”
She leaned back in her chair and gave him a smirk, “I’m going to marry Laura Hollis.”