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One day, Drumbot Brian woke up in his
cabin on board the Aurora, and decided he wanted to play Sword Tag.
Sword Tag, a delightful game that had been invented several hundred years earlier entirely by accident, involved Brian, on roller skates, with the titular sword, chasing whoever was foolish enough to run across him around the Aurora. The winner was either whoever stayed entirely out of the way of the sword, whoever lost the least bits, or Brian.
It was usually Brian.
And so, Brian gently slid an octokitten off of his face onto the pillow beside him, where it proceeded to make slightly dejected broken accordion sounds and stare reproachfully. He patted it on the head.
"Sorry, Grog-Spaghetti, but I needed to get up."
Grog-Spaghetti the octokitten meep-morped at him, before curling up to go to back to sleep. With a quiet sigh, Brian began to put on his rollerskates. He sent a message out to the other Mechanisms, because when your brain is metal, it's surprisingly easy to put what a phone can do in there.
Then, he went back to putting his roller skates on. He tied the laces neatly, made sure the wheels were still attached properly and weren't, in fact, simply glued on. (Jonny had tricked him with superglue a few times, much to his annoyance.)
Brian's rollerskates were a dark wine red, with little bronze colored spikes on the sides and black patches. He had a few other pairs, but these were the Drumbot's favourites, since they had been a present from the Toy Soldier.
Having finished making sure his skates were ready, Brian went to reach for the large zweihander, bedazzled with purple rhinestones on the hilt and hand guard, that he kept near his bed....
But it was not there!
Brian began to search for his sword. It was his favourite one for sword tag, since it was excellent for cutting people's legs off.
He looked behind his box of spare mechanical parts, but it was not there.
He looked under his bed, and found a rapier, several laser pistols, and a box of grenades he'd stolen from Tim a few decades earlier and promptly forgotten about. But no zweihander!
Brian looked in his closet, where he found nine more octokittens, a welding torch he thought had been thrown out an airlock by accident, and his second favourite hat. But he still couldn't find his sword!
Finished hunting through his room, and no zweihander in sight, Brian sighed sadly, and decided to go and ask the rest of the crew if they had seen his zweihander.
The first person Brian found was the doctor-baron, Marius Von Raum.
"Hello, Marius." Said Brian. "Have you seen my zweihander?"
"No, I haven't. I hope you find it!" Marius smiled, apologetically, before wandering off to find somebody to psychoanalyse.
"Okay, thank you anyways."
And so on the Drumbot went.
The next person Brian met was Ashes O'Rielly, the quartermaster, who was in the commons, doing something very complicated with explosives, string and a lot of matches.
"Hello, Brian."
"Hello, Ashes! Have you seen my zweihander? I can't find it."
"No, sorry Brian. I haven't. D'you want to help me try out some of these explosives I nicked off that planet we visited last week?"
"I would love to!"
Half an hour, and a few dented body parts later, Brian continued on his way, waving goodbye to a very happy Ashes, who was still smouldering slightly.
After that, Brian found the ship's captai- First Mate, Jonny D'Ville, doing something suspicious near an airlock.
"Hello, Jonny. Have you seen my zweihander?"
"No, I haven't seen your zweihander! Why would you ask me? I haven't seen any zweihanders. Go ask someone else, you incompetent piece of brass."
Jonny scowled at Brian, leaning against the airlock window. He seemed to be hiding something behind his back, that looked vaguely like a sword, but probably wasn't.
Brian guessed it was probably something Jonny had stolen from Nastya.
"Alright. Thank you anyways, Jonny." Not feeling in the mood to get shot at, he carried on.
Eventually, after several more hours, and several more fruitless encounters with his crewmates, Brian sat down in a hallway, distraught over the loss of his zweihander.
"I'll probably never find it now... and it took ages to get the rhinestones to stay on properly, too..."
Just then, the Toy Soldier, and Gunpowder Tim, the Aurora's master-at-arms, walked past.
"Hello, Brian!" Said the Toy Soldier. "Are You Feeling Alright?"
"Yeah, you okay, Brian? Did you lose that game of sword tag?" Said Gunpowder Tim.
At this, the poor Drumbot nearly burst into tears.
"That's just it! I can't find my special zweihander anywhere! Sword tag, or sword based violence in general, really, just isn't the same without it! I asked everyone if they'd seen it, and they all said no! I'm probably never going to find it!"
Gunpowder Tim and the Toy Soldier looked at each other, and then back to Brian.
"Brian..."
"Yes, Tim?"
"Was this the zweihander with the big, purple rhinestones on the hilt?"
"It was!"
"The One With 'Kneecap Killer' Engraved On The Blade?"
"Yes! Why are you asking all these questions?"
"I Saw Jonny With A Very Large Sword, With Purple Rhinestones, Earlier!"
"You did?"
"I Did! Tim Saw, Too!"
"Yeah. I think he was heading in the direction of Raphaella's lab... and the airlocks."
Brian stood back up, pausing to dust off his hat.
"Thank you, Tim, T.S. Do either of you-"
"Have a gun you can use? Of course!" With a mischevous grin, Gunpowder Tim handed Brian a large, menacing looking laser blaster.
"Have fun."
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When Drumbot Brian reached Raphaella's lab, he found Jonny, a lot of metal working tools, acid and Brian's bedazzled zweihander.
(Raphaella was currently planetside, stealing interesting new plague samples and things from a disease research facility.)
"YOU."
Jonny turned, expression a mix of smug amusement and surprise that Brian had found him, but before he could even do anything to calm the furious Brian down, he knew it was too late.
"YOU TOOK MY FAVOURITE ZWEIHANDER, YOU BASTARD."
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The next day, Nastya Rasputina, the starship Aurora's engineer and girlfriend, was looking for Jonny. But she couldn't seem to find him anywhere! So, she went to ask Brian if he had any idea of his whereabouts.
"Brian. Have you seen Jonny? He took my biggest wrench, and I need it back."
"Oh, no, sorry Nastya. I haven't seen Jonny! I'm not sure why you're asking me, but maybe try... the airlock?"
Drumbot Brian smiled sweetly, and went back to carefully cleaning his beloved zweihander, currently somewhat bloodstained.
THE END.