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I had no choice.
I had no choice.
I had no choice.
They were the only words that seemed to keep Shuichi’s sanity in check over the past few days since the fourth trial, and that night, they flashed over and over in his mind, flooding his vision and throbbing violently in his head.
He let out an indignant sigh of frustration as he pulled his weight over in bed, lying on his side and screwing his eyes shut. He had been trying to lull himself to sleep but nothing seemed to be working, and his thoughts, merciless as they were, wouldn’t give him even a second of quiet peace.
Shuichi figured it had to have been at least two hours now since he’s settled in for the night. His body still ached from his training with Maki, and although Kaito had stopped showing up for the last couple of days…he thought it would be weak of him to give up so quickly. Even if Kaito wasn’t there to encourage him anymore, to flash him that confident grin that would so easily melt all of Shuichi’s concerns into the ground beneath them, to ruffle his hair and call him “sidekick” and help him to his feet while he struggled to breath, and even if, if-
Shuichi groaned.
His eyes slowly peeled open, much to his own reluctance, and he was met with the jarring light of the analog clock, reading 3:00 AM.
There was no way he was going to get any sleep like this. He figured it would be better if he just took a walk, let his mind cool off, maybe in a new environment, and when he came back, he could at least steal a few hours of sleep.
With that thought in mind, he quickly discarded his sheets and threw on decent clothes, before leaving his room and shutting his door with a quiet click.
His vision was blurred at the edges and he found that was odd, seeing as though he hadn’t even gotten a minute’s worth of sleep to feel the slightest bit groggy, but he disregarded it, making his way to the double doors ahead of him and wrapping his arms around himself.
There was a slight chill to the dormitories and Shuichi wasn’t sure if it was from the cold temperatures of the night, or because of something else entirely but he didn’t want to dwell on it, pressing onwards.
But just as he was to step past the stairs, he stopped in place, his body suddenly freezing as a surge of dread rippled through his body. Shuichi frowned. There was something…something awfully wrong…
His eyes traveled up the staircase until they rested on Kaito’s door, knowing almost instantaneously that was where the bad feeling was emanating from - call it a detective’s intuition.
Shuichi’s heart pounded as he found himself making his way up the stairs, his head slightly numb and his legs moving but his mind in no control of his body at all. He stood himself in front of Kaito’s door with a hand hesitantly hovering over the door knob. Something inside of him told him that there was no need to knock.
Without warning, the door was pushed open on its own and Shuichi gasped, pulling his hand back and watching as the door swung wide open just for his entrance.
This felt like a trap. No, it definitely was a trap. He wasn’t sure whether it was Monokuma, or one of their remaining classmates behind this, a trick of Kokichi’s no doubt , but nonetheless he padded softly into the room, glancing around for anything out of place.
Shuichi realized, belatedly, that a faint smell was wafting through the room…it smelled of fresh grass beneath his back, of bright smiles and shining, lavender eyes that seemed to hold painted stairs within them, of metallic, stinging blood.
Blood.
Shuichi’s body and heart stopped when his eyes slowly landed on Kaito’s corpse.
Lying lifeless on the bed. Blood seeping out his parted mouth and onto the pillow tucked underneath his head, where a bed of gel-less hair lay sprawled out like the halo of an angel.
Shuichi felt his breath catch in his lungs and for a moment, all that he could make out was the soft, whirring of the air conditioner and the thump, thump, thump of his own heartbeat.
He was beginning to feel light-headed.
Shuichi had seen countless murder scenes before in his lifetime. He wasn’t a junior detective for no reason, and over time, he had even begun to grow used to the sight and the smell of blood, although that wasn’t to say he ever got a good night’s rest because of it.
Then this…hellish, killing game took a hold of his life and it had taken a longer time to get used to seeing his classmates, people he interacted with everyday, dead. But he had learned how to properly brace himself for the numerous possibilities he could find himself in, but…
But he had never considered…
The one person who had managed to help him recover from every single murder, every single class trial, every single struggle he’d faced since Kaede’s death, the one person who stuck by his side and helped him during his investigations and believed in him even if he never deserved it-
To be dead in front of his eyes.
Kaito was dead.
Shuichi felt his knees buckle as bile rose up in his throat, and he hit the floor with a sickening thud. He grappled for something on the ground to steady himself with, his hands all of sudden feeling frantic and his mind and heart swimming with panic and then he was screaming, and screaming, and screaming-
His body moved on its own and he found himself being torn in Kaito’s direction, his body stumbling upwards from the ground and his hands reaching out helplessly to touch Kaito, as if the reminder of his skin would somehow bring him back.
But when his hands cupped Kaito’s cheeks, and Kaito remained motionless and his skin as cold as ice, Shuichi felt something inside him completely shatter. He let out a broken sob as his hands began to trail down Kaito’s face, rubbing his hands against them in a poor attempt to warm him up, to bring him back to Shuichi.
No, no, no-
This can’t be real, THIS CAN’T BE REAL!
His fingers traced over the constellations of freckles dotted across Kaito’s paling skin, and he draped himself over his friend, ignoring the chill of Kaito’s body and instead clutching onto the sides of his jacket with shaking hands.
“Kaito, Kaito, no - you - you can’t do this to me, please, you can’t, you can’t -”
His head felt warm, so very warm and he was dimly aware of the fact that at any moment, someone would come in and see him holding onto Kaito’s body like it was life or death, but not even the smallest part of him cared. Kaito was dead and he was never going to come back, what difference did it make if someone were to see?
Shuichi’s sobs echoed throughout the room, and his voice had never been so prevalent to his own ears before. He sounded broken. Alone.
Weak.
Pathetic.
Everything that he was before Kaito had barged into his life and filled his empty mind with words of confidence that had never been true in the first place, had they?
Shuichi clutched onto Kaito’s body even as the floor beneath him began to shake and crumble, he held onto him with all he had and he promised he would never let him go. He’d never let Kaito go again. If he couldn’t protect Kaito then, he would protect him now.
He would protect him…he would protect Kaito…
Shuichi awoke with a sharp gasp.
His body lurched up in bed, and his hands came down to grab at the corners of his blankets, his heart beating so rapidly that he was afraid it was going to jump out of his own chest.
Sweat clung to the back of his thin t-shirt and tears poured down his face in cascading streams. His breath came out broken and even shrill - a sound that was desperate in a way he hadn’t even known he was capable of producing.
His head was pounding and he could hardly see anything through the tears flooding his vision, but he knew he needed to get out. He needed air, he needed some way to - to breathe. To control the sensations beating down on him like a rain of punches, to grapple onto some form of stability that would tell him that he hadn’t just seen his best friend dead.
But the only thing that could reassure him of that is if he saw it himself.
Without another second’s hesitation, Shucihi was out of his bed, crossing his room in long, unsteady strides and grappling for his doorknob before nearly throwing the door off of its hinges and flying out the door.
He barely processed going up the stairs, tripping up almost every step and when he reached Kaito’s door, he stuttered to a stop when he saw the door had been left wide open. A contrast to when it had opened on its own…but…but still.
Shuichi threw dramatics out the door (quite literally) and rushed inside, bracing himself for what he would see but was met with the sight of an empty bed, with undone sheets and a pillow strewn on the ground.
His mind began spinning with possibilities - what if Kaito had been killed elsewhere? What if he was in the main building, where no one would be able to help him? What if the murderer had dragged him off somewhere to kill him?
If that was the case, there was no time to waste. Shuichi backed out of the room, his breathing shallow and he nearly fell over himself in his haste to get out, get out, get out, before darting down the stairs and miraculously being able to keep his footing. He dashed through the dormitory doors, the cool night air lapping at his naked arms as he struggled towards…towards…
His mind struggled to keep up with his own thoughts. He wanted to go to the main building, hadn’t he? But his body…was drawing him towards the hills. The hills where he normally trained with Kaito. Perhaps that was where Kaito was?
With no other lead, he staggered towards the hills, wrapping skinny arms around himself and letting icy tears flow down his cheeks in a silent stream. He was cold, and beyond that he was terrified, but he needed some confirmation that Kaito was okay. Or confirmation that Kaito wasn’t - it didn’t matter but the feeling of being as helpless and oblivious as this was absolutely destroying him.
When he approached the hills on shaky legs, his teary eyes trained on his surroundings, he couldn’t contain the breathless gasp that choked its way out of his lungs when his vision zeroed in on-
Kaito. Unmistakably Kaito.
He was lying on the grass, but even through Shuichi’s increasingly blurry vision, he could see the rise and fall of Kaito’s chest. He could see the way his arms were carelessly tucked underneath his bed of purple hair, the way his jacket lay sprawled out beneath him and blew every now and then with the gusts of night wind.
Shuichi blinked away more tears pressing at the edges of his vision as he processed the sight of Kaito just plainly lying there, well and alive.
Kaito…was okay.
Shuichi stepped closer, and the movement alone was enough to alert Kaito, because one of Kaito’s eyes cracked open and widened upon noticing Shuichi. He watched as Kaito snapped out of a reverie and scrambled up on his elbows, eyebrows pinching together in what could only be discomfort at being suddenly discovered.
“What-” He coughed, his voice coming out broken from what, Shuichi wasn’t sure, but his heart clenched at the sound of his friend’s voice all the same. Shucihi felt his throat close up.
Moments of silence passed between them, the air tense in a way that was unfamiliar for both boys. They used to be so comfortable around each other.
“What are you doin’ here?” Kaito finally settled on, his eyes skeptically taking in Shuichi, but never once meeting his gaze. With a start, Shuichi realized that Kaito was still upset with him - they hadn’t spoken since the fourth trial, had they? He’d nearly forgotten. Kaito hadn’t been able to look him in the eyes properly since then either.
But Shuichi found that was in the backburner of his mind - all he could feel now was an overwhelming burst of gratitude in his chest for the fact that Kaito was still here, and real, and breathing, and-
“I…” Shuichi clamped his mouth shut as he realized his voice was trembling. He brought his gaze down to his pale hands, which, he noticed, were also shaking almost uncontrollably. His breath was coming out short and stuttered, and he closed his eyes in an attempt to steady his mounting emotions, emotions that were threatening to come up through his eyes and from his mouth in a burst of confessions lying heavy on his tongue.
He heard the rustle of grass by the hill, then Kaito’s voice. “H…Hey. What’s wrong?”
There was genuine concern in his voice, that oh-so familiar tone Kaito had always taken on when he knew Shuichi was teetering on the edge of breaking down and closing up after each and every trial.
The tone that would bring soft words of encouragement, and occasionally bring a calloused hand through his mess of hair in a way that made his lovesick heart beat and drum pleasantly.
When he opened his eyes, there were tears already running in cascading streams down his cheeks, and just like that, there was nothing to hide anymore. He didn’t bother to hide, at least, when he slowly lifted his head to meet Kaito’s gaze, and when their eyes met for the first time in days, he was struck with the sight of brilliant purple, glowing radiant and beautiful and lively in the black of the night.
His eyes have always been so…beautiful…
“Shuichi.”
Kaito whispered, and at last, Shuichi shattered.
He let out a sob, one as dismal, as broken as the one in his dream when he’d been standing over Kaito’s dead body but now, he was running to Kaito. Kaito, who was waiting a few paces ahead of him, who was stumbling forwards with his arms spread open for Shuichi to fall into.
Shuichi crumbled into Kaito, his head colliding into his chest and his arms coming around to curl tight around Kaito’s body, an anchor in his sea of complete and utter agony. He could hardly process Kaito’s large, strong arms wrapping around his own body and pulling him tight against his chest, clutching onto the ends of his shirt and digging his fingers deep into the fabric.
“K-Kaito, o-oh god, Kaito,” He couldn’t even recognize his own voice against the soft cotton of Kaito’s shirt, and he breathed it in, breathed in every part of Kaito he could. Kaito curled down to bring their bodies somehow closer together.
“Shhh, it’s okay,” Kaito whispered, his voice so much closer and so much more real, an all-consuming fire amidst the raging storm within Shuichi’s heart and he couldn’t help but let out another weak cry of distress into Kaito.
“Come on, Shuichi, you’re okay. You’re…I’m here.” Kaito spoke again, and when Shuichi chanced a look up into his best friend’s face, Kaito’s face was all soft lights and gentle stars and Shuichi thought he was going to die.
“I thought you were dead,” He babbled without thinking, bringing his head back down to bury inside Kaito’s chest. His legs were beginning to give out beneath him, but Kaito was holding onto him like a lifeline, two arms strong around his back and supporting him. “It was a dream, I had - I had a dream, and you -”
“A dream.” Kaito said all of a sudden, and Shuichi paused, his mouth shutting almost immediately. Every word that left Kaito’s lips now seemed like something that could escape him at any given moment - Shuichi wanted nothing more than to cherish as much of him as he could.
“That’s all it was. A dream. I’m right here. I’m right here, Shuichi.” Then Kaito removed himself from Shuichi, backing away and taking one of Shuichi’s wrists with a grip as firm as the hold Kaito had on his best friend.
Kaito placed one of Shuichi’s hands over his chest, and as more tears came running down his cheeks, he felt his eyes widen as a gentle thrum could be felt through the fabric of Kaito’s shirt, vibrating against his skin.
“See?” Kaito let loose a smile as strong as the beat of his heart beneath Shuichi’s palm, and Shuichi sobbed. “You’re okay.”
“I - “
I love you, was on the tip of Shuichi’s tongue but he held back, knowing that now of all times would be the worst time to confess how he’d felt, so he resolved to sobbing and bringing himself closer to Kaito once again, craving the warmth he’d been encased in before.
Kaito sighed, whispered, “C-Come on, Sidekick, no more crying, yeah?” Confident as he was, it was so strange hearing Kaito stutter, and Shuichi sniffled, willing his tears away as best he could. But as long as he was in as close proximity to Kaito as he was now, he figured the tears would never cease.
“I hate seeing you like this…you’re strong, Shuichi…you’re stronger than you’ll ever know.” Kaito’s voice rumbled softly against his ear. “Even…Even without me, you’d still be strong.”
“That’s not-” Shuichi choked, his eyes burning and his head beginning to spin at the words. Was Kaito joking? There was no way…there was no way Shuichi would ever be okay without Kaito - Kaito who had helped him through quite literally every single obstacle in this god-damned killing game. No, how could he ever be okay without Kaito?
“T-That’s not true, Kaito, I - I wouldn’t even be here if it wasn’t for you.”
“Don’t…” Kaito trailed off, his eyes painfully closing before he let out a breath Shuichi presumed he hadn’t known he was holding. “You can’t say that shit, Sidekick.”
Dread churned in his stomach, a feeling so familiar to the one he’d felt in his dream when he’d been standing outside Kaito’s door. He stiffened against Kaito. “Why?”
All that followed was a prolonged silence hanging horribly in the air, and Shuichi’s blood ran cold inside his veins. His breaths came out in shallow, strained puffs of air, and he backed away from Kaito, wet, amber eyes boring straight into Kaito’s own.
“Why, Kaito?”
“Because,” He watched as Kaito’s eyes fluttered close, watched him as a breath of air escaped his lungs and when he opened his eyes again, he was staring at Shuichi softly. His lips curled into a sad smile. “I’m not going to be here forever, Shuichi.”
“…What?” Shuichi breathed, his hands shaking by his sides and mindlessly coming to grab at the ends of Kaito’s jacket. His eyes rested on that one, dangling sleeve Kaito never fit into his arm for reasons unknown to Shuichi, and he thought he was going to be sick.
When Kaito didn’t respond again, Shuichi’s hands clenched around the fabric bunched in his fists as his mind bubbled in helpless frustration. “No, no, what the hell are you talking about?”
Kaito winced, clearly regretting his words from before, but it was too late, because Shuichi had heard it and he was shaking and everything around him seemed to be pulsating and it wouldn’t stop until he got a clear answer. That’s all he needed. The truth. The truth, the truth, the truth, it always came down to the god damned-
Kaito looked away, before hastily muttering, “Just…Just forget it.” Shuichi sensed a storm behind Kaito’s eyes in the way they flitted about, lightning seeming to sparkle behind the soft, purple orbs and Shuichi tensed.
He couldn’t just let this go. “Kaito-”
“Shuichi,”
Shuichi nearly flinched back at just how broken Kaito sounded, hissing his name out like it pained him to do so, and Shuichi’s eyes quickly filled with tears once again. He wasn’t used to Kaito like this. He was used to the bright laughter and the determined, heroic smiles, not the downright terrified gleam in Kaito’s eyes, the sliver of vulnerability that Shuichi only now realized hadn’t been nonexistent - it had only been hiding.
God, how could he have been such an idiot?
Of course Kaito was struggling on his own. And he had never thought to…never thought to make sure his best friend was doing okay? How could he have ever-”
“Shuichi, please.” Kaito must have sensed Shuichi was falling back into the void of his thoughts, because he snapped him out of it just as fast and Shuichi hadn’t even realized when his eyes had trailed down to the ground.
He stared back at Kaito as Kaito visibly struggled to compose himself, his mouth pinching at a corner and his eyes flashing. “F-Forget it. I - I just - I just want-”
And in a surreal moment, a hand was on the side of his cheek, Kaito’s hand, and he was swiping away the tears running down his cheeks, then two, cupping his face.
Kaito’s hands were rough and calloused, no doubt from years of training and work and Shuichi felt his mouth fall open of its own volition, his heart completely stopping in his chest as Kaito ran his thumbs up and down Shuichi’s soft cheeks.
Time seemed to slow down around them, and when Shuichi met his eyes, all he managed to see was a mass of purple, strikingly bright in the darkness of the courtyard and if he looked close enough, he could see himself staring wide-eyed back.
He froze when he felt a thumb brush dangerously close to his lip, just grazing the corner of it, and his eyes wavered. At this point, he was confident his breaths weren’t coming out at all.
Kaito’s hand came up to sweetly sweep Shuichi’s lawless fringe out of his face, his touch far breaching the line between friends, and Shuichi shook, struggling to maintain his composure as his entire body seized up.
Then Kaito was leaning in, fluttering his eyes closed and Shuichi’s world exploded in color when he felt a set of soft, soft lips against his own.
Kaito was kissing him.
His best friend was kissing him and he was-
Shuichi could hardly think, could hardly even move before he hesitantly brought his hands up to rest behind Kaito’s hair, finally able to touch the mess of purple strands.
The kiss was beyond gentle, and all Shuichi was able to taste was the faint vanilla chapstick resting on Kaito’s lips, and all he was able to feel was the heart-wrenching passion in every movement they made against one another.
Kaito’s tongue came to press against his lips, a gentle force he had not been expecting but one he was glad to welcome, and just as Shuichi had been ready to let him in, Kaito parted himself from Shuichi.
Shuichi let out a gasp, not having realized when he had gone on his toes and wrapped his arms around Kaito’s neck, clinging to him like some type of schoolgirl. Shuichi felt his face grow a thousand times warmer, and when he glanced up he was gifted with the sight of Kaito looking equally as flushed.
If it had been any other time, Shuichi probably would’ve found it in himself to be embarrassed, perhaps even skeptical that Kaito would ever hold and touch another man like this but in this moment, he could hardly care less. Kaito was his, and he was Kaito’s, and nothing else mattered.
The thought came, wrecked everything else in his mind, and without so much of another thought he opened his mouth and said, “Kaito, I love-”
“Don’t say it.” Kaito murmured, pressing his forehead to Shuichi’s and slotting their noses together quietly. Shuichi sighed, eyes flicking down to his lips. He wondered briefly if he was in another dream.
The familiar sight of Kaito’s smile graced his vision, the corners of Kaito’s mouth pulling up and his soft, mauve eyes crinkling in a way that made something in Shuichi’s heart click in place. He let out a shaky sigh, and could hardly feel Kaito’s lips press against his once again, the gesture full of promises, before he pulled away and whispered,
“Tell me again when we get outta here, alright, Sidekick?”
Shuichi was well aware that he wasn’t thinking right - his head was pounding and everything around him felt light and almost disorientating - like a dream. He was almost a hundred percent sure he was still dreaming, because there was just no way he was standing here in the courtyard in the middle of the killing game kissing his best friend who he was so sure would never look at him the same way - and yet…
Here he was.
Shuichi blinked, his eyes coming back into focus. He wasn’t sure he could make that promise. He wasn’t sure if he would ever get the chance to tell Kaito again, but Kaito was asking him so earnestly, so…so confidently, with galactic eyes shining back at him and glinting dangerously in the moonlight, and smiling, still and always fucking smiling, that Shuichi decided just this once, he could trust Kaito knew just what he was asking of Shuichi.
And so, he returned the smile.
“Okay.” He brought himself closer into Kaito’s chest, letting the fresh aroma surrounding him and the shelter that was Kaito’s arms quiet the voices screaming and protesting in his mind. He’d say it. He’d say it when they escaped. He’d say it a thousand times over if he had to, but he would say it.
“Okay, Kaito.”