Chapter Text
In less than 48 hours coming back to her homeland, Iori Utahime had managed to spill two cups of coffee. The first one was on the plane—it hadn't even landed yet. Some asshole was rushing to get off of the plane like it would fly up again if he didn’t get his baggage off the cabin the second the stewardess announced it was safe to unbuckle the safety belt. The bag fell off right on top of Utahime’s lap, spilling the coffee all over her jeans and clutch.
The second one was when she checked into the hotel yesterday morning. It was her own fault this time. She didn’t hold it properly—too busy juggling her phone, car keys, and bread, and when the hotel receptionist handed her the hotel key, she lost balance and spilled the coffee all over her blouse. First day home and she was already asking herself whether it was a mistake to come home after all.
Was it?
Breathe. In and out.
“Watch out!”
“Ah!” Utahime gasped, feeling hot all over a sudden. She looked down to her chest and found her hot coffee was spilled all over her white shirt.
Shit .
Her third cup, only on the second day. Gods, was she cursed?
Breathe. In and out. In and out.
“You okay?” Utahime looked up and found a pair of very endearing blue eyes looking all concerned at her. Her heart warmed up right away. He was much warmer than any coffee, much more exhilarating. “Momma, you okay?”
“I’m okay, Kai. Thank you.” She smiled at her son.
But the boy was still looking furious, staring at the woman who just bumped into his mother and walked away ignorantly. “How careless…” he muttered furiously. He then looked back at his mother. “You could’ve fallen because of that woman.”
“I know. Luckily only my coffee got spilled,” she clicked her tongue in annoyance. “Unbelievable.”
“Your shirt…” the boy frowned. “It’s all ruined, Mom.”
Utahime looked at her shirt again. The initially white linen shirt was now turned brown and sticky thanks to the coffee. She frowned too. It wasn’t a brand new shirt, but she’d just worn it twice. Now that it was stained, it surely wouldn’t look the same again even after some dry-cleaning.
Utahime sighed. Her shoulders flopped down. “Guess I’ll need to buy a new shirt, huh?”
“Coffee stained or not, you do need to buy some new clothes, Mom. You only have like three clothes in total.”
“Hey, don’t tease your mother!”
Kai chuckled. Totally satisfied in teasing his mother. But seconds later, the concerned look was back on his face. He took his mom’s elbow and gently pulled her to the side of the crowded hallway, making sure they were safe from people walking back and forth in the hallway. “You were spacing out again, Mom. Are you sure you’re okay?”
“Was I?”
“Yes. I've noticed since we got into the plane yesterday.”
Utahime wondered. She couldn’t even recall their whole trip. All she could remember was lining up at the airport counter to check into the plane and then bam , ten hours later they were in the taxi, driving through the busy streets of Tokyo.
“No, I’m okay, I promise.” She smiled, assuring him. But the smile didn’t reach her eyes, as she looked around and just now realized her surroundings. She was at the school where Kai was about to enroll, Tokyo Metropolitan Junior High School. He got a scholarship to this prestigious private school and today was his first day of school. That was the reason they were here in Tokyo, Japan, thousands miles away from home.
No, they were home. This was their home. This was home.
It might be the first time Kai had ever been to Japan, but this was his home. This had to be—
“Mom?”
Utahime blinked. Breathe . “Yes?”
“ Again .” Kai sighed heavily, stomping his foot to the ground. “What’s going on, Mom? Please, tell me.”
“Sorry. I was just a bit nervous.” She shot a kind smile at her son, hoping it’d wash away his worry. Or hers. “I’m okay.”
“You don’t seem so.”
“No, I promise, I am okay. Just nervous, is all.”
Kai tried to smile, but still couldn’t hide his worry. He frowned even deeper and his eyebrows furrowed. “I’m sorry, Mom.” He said, painfully.
“No, baby, why are you sorry?”
Kai shrugged. “Is this a bad idea?”
“What is?”
“Me. Going to this school.” He shrugged again. “Us. Moving here all of a sudden.”
“No.”
“Mom,”
“No, Kai, it wasn’t a bad idea at all.”
“But you’re—”
“What?”
“You’ve been spacing out again. You haven’t done that in a year.”
Utahime sighed. The look and tone of concern from his son cut her heart into pieces. He was about to start his school life—the first day of his big achievement of scoring a very prestigious scholarship which he had been working so hard for. He was about to start a new life here at this new school with his new friends and teachers. She couldn’t let him become worried like this. She shouldn’t ruin the moment. His moment.
“I was spacing out, yes,” she admitted, trying hard to keep her voice calm. “But I am fine. Told you I was just nervous.”
“Nervous about what? I’m the one who’s going to school,”
Utahime laughed. “Exactly. I’m nervous for my baby boy to go to school.”
“Wasn’t my first time going to school, woman.”
Tsk . What a smartmouth her son was. “I know. But still, I’m nervous. Every mom in the world would be nervous for her son’s first day of school, you know,”
“Really?”
“Yeah. Look around,” she gestured to their surroundings. Kai took a look around, noticing many parents crowding the hallway to accompany their kids on their first day. Everybody looked kind of classy and elegant. Then he looked back at his mom. The coffee-stained shirt didn’t bother him. But the fact that she was so clumsy and couldn’t even hold her coffee properly worried him.
“I’m just… a bit worried about you.”
“Well, don’t be. Momma’s a big girl, she can take care of herself.”
“But Mom—”
“Iori Kaizen,” Utahime called her son firmly. “This isn’t a bad idea at all, you hear me?” Kai nodded, a frown still painted on his face. Utahime gripped her son’s shoulders firmly, giving him more assurance. “Good. In fact, this is a very excellent idea. This is wonderful.”
“Is it, though?”
“Yes.” Utahime beamed. “You got this scholarship. You’re thriving, you’re brilliant. Momma’s proud of you.”
“I know, but—”
“No more buts.”
Kai sighed. He shook his head lightly. He knew he could never win over his mother. So instead, he reached out for his mom and asked for her hug. “I love you, Mom.”
Utahime smiled in her son’s warm embrace. Her petite body disappeared completely in her son’s tall, slender frame. He was just thirteen but he surely was taller than his peers, back at home and here in Japan.
No, this was home. Breathe. In and out.
“Love you too, son. Don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“Well, you’ll never find out. Because I’ll always be with you.”
Utahime smiled. Thirteen and at times, he was much more mature than she was.
“Now, let go of me, or your friends will make fun of you for being a momma’s boy.”
“I don’t care. I’ll hug my mom as many times as I want.”
Utahime chuckled. Thirteen and he was still a baby apparently. A very clingy baby, to be exact.
Slowly, she let go of her hug. Her hand reached for the collar of his blazer uniform and patted it gently. She rubbed away the wrinkle in there and the invisible one on her son’s face. “I can’t believe my son is already this big.”
“You said that every day.”
“Well, you’re growing up bigger and bigger every day.”
Kai laughed. “You’re right.”
Utahime smiled and stared at her favorite pair of blue eyes in front of her. The eyes that always reminded her of the ocean; sometimes calm, its stillness washed away her worries. The other times were full of waves and ripples of emotions, reminding her how blessed she was despite everything that happened in her life. The eyes that always reminded her of the good things, the happiest days of her life. The eyes that always reminded her of him .
“Mom, we are going to be okay, right?” Kai asked. Worriness once again flashed in his eyes.
“We are, Kai.” She cradled his face gently. Tears were indulging in her eyes, but a bright smile was beaming on her face. “We are home. We are safe.”
Kai leaned into his mother’s touch. He nodded silently. His face lit up slowly, lips curled up into a lopsided smile. His mother’s favorite smile.
“Mom, promise you’ll call me if something happens?”
Utahime frowned upon hearing that. She wasn’t sure she was doing a good job or not for raising such a protective son. She liked to think that she was doing an excellent job, knowing that it wasn’t very usual to see a very responsible and caring son like Kai. But God, he could be very overprotective sometimes, Utahime often wondered who was the kid and who was the parent. But nevertheless, she was happy. Kai was a blessing for her, she wouldn’t change a thing.
“Sir, yes, Sir!” Utahime jokingly saluted her son.
Kai just laughed and hugged his mother again. “I’m gonna miss my silly Momma…”
“Hey, don’t tease your mother,” Utahime slapped his back lightly. Tears were starting to gather in her eyes again, whether it was because of the happiness she received from her son or because of the sadness of letting him go, she wasn’t sure.
“I’ll call you once we get to the dorm, Mom.”
“Sure. Have fun, okay?”
“Pretty sure school and fun don’t fall in the same category.”
Utahime laughed. What a smartmouth indeed. “Whatever. Just, have fun, okay?”
“I’ll try.”
“You must. I insist.”
Kai rolled his eyes. “Yes, Ma’am.”
“Good.”
Kai smiled. After hugging for one more time, they bid goodbye. The first period was about to begin. Utahime had to remind herself that this was a middle school, not a kindergarten where she could peek into the classroom to see her son playing with his classmates.
Slowly, Kai’s back disappeared in the crowded hallway, leaving his mother standing alone with a heavy heart. This was the first time they would be separated. Kai would be living in the school dormitory while she would return to the hotel where they had been staying the past couple of days.
Suddenly, a wave of emotions hit her.
Would he be okay, living with strangers—people with very different cultures he grew up with?
Would she be okay, living alone—after so many years being so dependent on her son?
Would they be okay, living here in Japan—away from home?
No, this was home.
Breathe. In and out.
She was home. Kai was home. They were home.
—
Utahime stood in front of a bricked-wall apartment building. Her eyes scanned the exterior of the building. It didn’t look as flashy as the one she was living back in Seattle, but at least it looked well-maintained. There were vines spreading all over the wall, it gave a homey and eco-friendly feeling, she liked it. It had three stories but there was no elevator. That was okay, she preferred stairs anyway and Kai wouldn’t be home too often to complain about it. Now, she just had to check the inside of the unit.
“Welcome, Iori- san ! Come in, come in!” The landlady welcomed Utahime with an over-friendly gesture. “My name is Kawabe Moei, we spoke on the phone last week.”
Utahime just nodded politely while walking into the unit. Her eyes scanned the whole area immediately. The genkan was a bit small to her liking, but thank God she didn’t bring many pairs of shoes, so there was no need to buy a shoe rack, she could just put this one pair she was wearing there. Maybe after she bought some slippers too for Kai, it still wouldn’t be stuffy in the genkan .
Then she walked further inside where the living area was connected with the kitchen and led to a balcony. The kitchen was small with just counters and no table or island. But it’s not like she’d cook everyday. She never did. With work and now living alone, she’d mostly rely on take-outs, no doubt about it. She’d just eat in front of the TV. Hmm, should she buy a couch or a chabudai ?
Now the balcony. It was spacious enough to set up a Pinterest-inspired outdoor balcony for leisure, like reading a book or enjoying a cup of coffee or two. Kai would love it. He liked to sit in the outside sitting area every time they went out to a cafe or restaurant. But then that Pinterest-inspired set-up required a lot of work. Skip, then. They’d just drink the coffee while standing and leaning on the railing.
The two bedrooms were quite spacious, separated by the bathroom. Utahime couldn’t remember the last time she lived where she didn’t have a bathroom inside the bedroom, but it was okay. She’d practically be living alone here, so no need to worry about only wearing a towel from the bathroom to the dresser in the bedroom. Again, a bit weird because back home she had a closet and bathroom connected to the bedroom.
No, wait. Don’t think like that. This whole apartment was smaller, but this was home. She would make this home. Maybe not a forever home, but a good temporary home. Maybe just for a year until Kai graduated—God, Kai had just entered Junior High School. That meant another three years! Would she live here for three years? Could she live here for three years? Oh Goodness… Why didn’t she think about it before? Why did it just cross her mind now?!
Breathe. In and out.
But God, it was so hard to breathe. Why was it so hard to breathe?
Utahime leaned on the kitchen counter, her hands gripped hard onto the cold edge. Her eyes were suddenly glassy and her lips were quivering. She brought her hand to her face and just realized that she was wearing a mask this whole time. No wonder it was so stuffy. Damn it.
“Iori- san ? Are you okay, Iori- san ?” The landlady approached her. “Iori- san , you look really pale. Are you okay?”
Utahime’s eyes snapped to the landlady. She was standing too close, reaching out her hand to touch her shoulder. Utahime gasped. Her eyes snapped to the hand on her shoulder now, and she quickly shrugged it off.
“Sorry, Iori- san ! I didn’t mean to—”
“No. It’s ok— I’m okay,”
Breathe.
“Iori- san , let’s take a seat first,” Kawabe motioned to the single chair near the balcony. She opened the glass door to the balcony to let the fresh air in. Utahime nodded and slowly sat down. Her eyes darted outside, desperately trying to look for something.
Trees. Cars parked. Two students walking by. Another apartment building. Another obnoxious-looking apartment building.
Park. Parking lot. Minimarket. There it was! She read the sign. Marusho . It was written in Japanese.
There she was… she was in Japan. She was home. She was safe. Breathe .
“Here, Iori- san …” the landlady handed her a bottle of water.
“Thank you.” Utahime said, before taking off her mask and taking a big gulp.
Kawabe’s mouth slacked open in surprise, her eyes widened out looking at Utahime. But she quickly smiled, hoping that her potential tenant wouldn’t notice.
After finishing the whole bottle of water, Utahime put on her mask again. “Thank you for the water, Kawabe- san .”
“No, no problem, Iori- san ,” Kawabe said nervously. “Um, Iori- san , are you okay? Your face is very pale,”
Utahime nodded. “I’m just… very tired. I just landed yesterday.”
“Oh, right… when we spoke on the phone, you mentioned you were from America, right?”
Utahime just nodded.
“Where in America? I also have a cousin there, she lives in Chicago with her husband and her kids. Are you far from Chicago?”
“Um, yes. I’m from Seattle.”
“Oh, is that so…” the older lady nodded understandably. “You must be tired from a long flight. My cousin always said that it’s very tiresome to have a long flight, so she didn’t visit much these days.”
Utahime nodded again. Honestly, her flight was much less tiring than this landlady’s rambling.
“But Iori- san , are you just staying here for a while?”
“Um, I don’t know yet.”
Kawabe’s eyebrows furrowed. She clasped her hands in front of her chest apologetically. Her eyes were looking left and right, seemingly to be thinking.
“Is there a problem, Kawabe- san ?” Utahime asked.
“No, not at all.” She quickly answered. “But you know, I’m only renting this place yearly, not monthly or weekly.”
“Oh, that’s okay. Actually I’ll take it for the whole year.”
Kawabe’s eyes lit up in an instant, knowing she’d just scored a new tenant.
“My son just started school here. I’m definitely staying for more than a while.”
“Your son?” Kawabe’s mouth was wide open again. “Oh, forgive me, Iori- san , I thought you were just some college student. You don’t look like a woman who’s already married with kids. You look youthful!”
Now Utahime’s heart ached. Such a compliment usually would make a woman delighted, but to Utahime it brought a suckerpunch to her gut.
“Can we finish up now? I’d like to buy some groceries before it gets dark. Ah, I saw a supermarket nearby. What time does it close?”
“Iori- san , you’re moving in now?”
“Yes.”
“Right now?”
“Yes.”
“Are you sure?”
Utahime blinked. “Is there a problem, Kawabe- san ?”
“No, no, not at all! The place is perfect! I just had all the lamps fixed as well. You can definitely move in right away. But…” she paused, head peeking at the outside through the balcony. “I didn’t see you coming with a moving truck or something.”
Utahime smiled. She pointed at one big red suitcase sitting in the genkan . “All my things are in there.”
Kawabe spun around to look at the suitcase and her mouth was yet again slacked open. “That’s all…?”
“Yes.”
“How about sleep?” Kawabe turned her head around the apartment. “There’s no bed or couch for you to sleep,”
Utahime smiled again. “I’ll sleep just fine.” I had slept in a much worse place and situation.
“Well, if you’re sure, Iori- san ,” Kawabe said. “My place is on the first floor. I’ll see if I can bring you something for you to sleep.”
“That’s very nice of you, Kawabe- san , but I’m fine. Thank you.”
“S-sure, Iori- san …”
After signing up all the documents and making the payment for renting the apartment, Kawabe excused herself, leaving Utahime alone in the empty apartment. She lay on the floor with her hands and feet spread out widely, not caring about the dirt or the cold of the wooden floor. Her heart was already frozen, the cold didn’t bother her at all. Her life was already dirty, the dirt didn’t even disgust her.
For the last 48 hours of being in Tokyo, she was alone for the first time.
She brought her hands to her midriff and intertwined the fingers, feeling her stomach going up and down from her erratic breathing.
Breathe. In and out. In and out.
She let herself be consumed by the darkness creeping in. Then her eyes darted to the suitcase. She laughed. And laughed. And laughed. Until her stomach hurt. Until her eyes were wet and tears were streaming down her face.
Funny how thirteen years of living abroad, all she ever possessed could fit into one single suitcase. How funny. What a joke.
Still lying on the floor, still lying with that coffee-stained white shirt, she started to imagine her new life here.
Could it even be considered as a new life? She was born here and once lived in this very city, after all.
But no, things were different now. She had Kai now. She would be living with Kai here. It was a new life, she should be excited.
Maybe tomorrow she could go to the nearest park and have some blueberry crepe and bubble tea? She heard Japan’s bubble tea was delicious. She wasn’t a fan of sweet treats before, but ever since pregnant with Kai, she was always craving them. And it was a new life, right? Might as well pick up some new likings.
Maybe in the morning she could run along the river? Or look for a gym or yoga studio? She had to stay fit, she had picked up the workout habit for a year now, she couldn’t just drop it. Or maybe tonight she could go outside and look for some yatai and have ramen? Maybe some yakitori and— no. No beer, no alcoholic beverage of any kind. They were off the list. A bowl of hot ramen would be enough. Healthy eating could always start tomorrow, right? Ramen tonight, gym tomorrow. Definitely.
But first thing first. She really needed a shower now. A long, warm, uninterrupted shower. Also, she needed a mattress. Bedsheet. Blanket. Pillows and bolsters too. Nah, maybe just the blanket first. She just needed to get through the night, she could just sleep on the floor. The rest could be bought tomorrow. The rest could be thought about tomorrow. There was still tomorrow. Here, there would always be tomorrow.
She was home. She was safe.
—