Work Text:
—
The number of hours we have together is actually not so large. Please linger near the door uncomfortably instead of just leaving. Please forget your scarf in my life and come back later for it. - “for m” by mikko harvey
—
five
When Claudine wakes in the morning, it’s beside Maya in bed.
She takes a few seconds to get her bearings, softening as consciousness streams in and she remembers how she got there. She rubs the last moments of sleep out of them until she lifts her head up, notices the time from the clock on Maya’s bedside table. Cruelly, she wakes up just shy of ten minutes before her alarm rings.
She rests her head back on the pillow and turns her attention to a soundly sleeping Maya whose hand is tucked under her pillow, peace adorning her face. Claudine’s eyes trail after the contour of Maya’s face starting from the bangs splayed across her forehead, to the fanning of her long eyelashes, to the slope of her nose, to the span of her cheeks, to the sharp line of her jaw, until it stops at the curve of Maya’s cupid bow lips.
She releases a shaky breath. Unfair, really, to look so good.
Claudine settles on her side, mirrors the hand tucked under the pillow, thinks about closing her eyes again. But she doesn’t know when this’ll happen again, so she thinks better of it, and instead spends the next nine minutes committing to memory the peace etched on Maya’s face.
Until, “You’re staring again.”
Maya’s soft and gravelly voice first thing in the morning breaks through the silence, even as the other woman maintains her eyes closed.
“Can you blame a girl?” she huffs. Claudine props her head up on her elbow.
“Perhaps you’d like to take a picture. It does last longer.”
She rolls her eyes even if Maya can’t see her. “It’d be creepy to have a picture of you sleeping.”
Maya winks open an eye and studies her. As silly as it looks, Maya somehow pulls it off. Still so unfairly attractive. “Yet you stare at me while I sleep.”
Her cheeks tinge pink in embarrassment, but she barrels through with a shrug. “Like I said, your point?”
The corners of Maya’s lips tug into a lopsided smile, both eyes open now. The sight of her devastates Claudine, how gentle Maya looks in the light of dawn, without makeup, without the pressures of the world pulling her skin taut.
They have just a little over six minutes remaining before reality pulls them from the cocoon of Maya’s bed.
“I like it. If anything, please do it some more, Saijou-san. You know I love the attention.”
The groan that comes out of Claudine’s mouth shakes out any remaining sleep that may be lingering. “You’re so lame.”
Maya lets out a bright and airy chuckle, clearly delighted with herself. Claudine tries her best to hold a scowl, but it’s short-lived, not when Maya’s face breaks into a wider smile from such unfettered joy.
“Good morning.”
“Morning.”
The laughter peters out until all she hears are their breaths. What’s left in the sobering silence is a closing distance between them and the remaining five minutes before her alarm goes off.
“Saijou-san,” Maya starts, her voice now low and delicate, and Claudine sucks in her breath as she tenses in anticipation. “Please continue to look at me.”
Tears prick at the corner of Claudine’s eyes from the hopeful tone in Maya’s voice. She releases the breath she’d been holding. Unsure of what words to say, she can only smile, dips her head once, resolutely. But Maya is gracious enough to mirror the smile, an understanding passing between them.
They spend the next minute in silence, seemingly content just looking, studying, staring. Every so often, Claudine watches as Maya’s eyes flitter around to look at her face. And the thought warms her deeply because maybe, hopefully, Maya is also memorizing her, too.
“How much longer?” Maya eventually asks in the stillness that blankets over them. Dutifully, she angles her head up just slightly to read Maya’s clock and finds that only a couple of minutes remain.
Not enough, she thinks. None of it is enough, but she keeps that admission to herself. Instead, “Not too long now.”
*
“Do you have everything you need?” Maya asks from beside her as they stare out onto the empty street while waiting in front of Maya’s apartment complex.
Claudine wants to say no, not at all, but she’d rather spare them the dramatics. She simply nods, offering a redundant ‘yeah’ as if two affirmatives can convince her.
She glances at her phone and watches as the live tracker for her ride gets closer. But she’s quick to shut the screen off, elects to pretend she’s not keenly aware of what little time remains.
Because what they have is seven lousy minutes.
She turns her attention to the woman beside her when she catches Maya rummaging through her pocket until she pulls out a small brown box with a slim red ribbon tied into a simple bow.
“What are you doing? What is that?”
Maya looks at her with a tentative smile, and Claudine’s heart thunders in her chest.
“It’s something I’d been holding onto for a while, and so I thought I should finally give it to you.” Maya extends her hand until it rests between them, the box sitting in the middle of her palm.
“Maya—”
“Please, take it.”
She stares at the box one more time before her eyes lift up to Maya whose steady gaze seems to easily beam through her. Maya pushes her hand forward a little, urging Claudine to take the box. Tentative in her own movements, her hand slightly trembling, she plucks the box out of Maya’s hand. Slowly, she draws the lid up until the box reveals a heart charm with a small ruby stone placed at its center sitting snugly in the slit of the foam.
“Oh my god,” Claudine breathes out, taking the charm out of the box and holding it between her thumb and forefinger, bringing it up to the light, the gold of the charm and the crimson hue of the ruby stone glinting in the morning sun. “It’s beautiful.”
“I’m sorry that it’s only taken me until now to give it to you.”
She looks up to find sad eyes staring at her. “Why did you wait so long?”
“I would suppose for the same reasons you did.” Maya offers her an apologetic smile that Claudine understands all too well. She wants to dig into it all, unpack everything, but she can’t. Not like this, not when their time is dwindling between them.
“Help me put it on.”
She passes the charm to Maya who readily accepts it and she brings up her wrist where her gold charm bracelet hangs, various charms softly jingling against one another. Claudine rotates the bracelet to find the last empty spot. Maya, who’s been waiting all this time, unclasps the charm before hooking it onto the bracelet. Claudine cradles her wrist as she studies the latest addition to her bracelet, in awe of just how well it matches in comparison to the other charms she’s collected for it. Except for one, the first one.
Then it dawns on her.
“Wait—” Claudine’s head snaps up. She opens her mouth to say more, but her phone interrupts with a buzz alerting her that her ride will arrive in three minutes. She has so many questions, and none of them can fit in that time. Claudine gives a wry shake of her head and Maya has the decency to look appropriately chastised for it. “Why?”
“I had hoped for more time,” Maya confesses simply.
And, well. There they were, the words are out of Maya’s mouth and off of their chests. Maya had said it, had said the words they’d been tiptoeing around for weeks and weeks of their time together. (Maybe even months. Maybe even from the start.)
Two minutes and thirty-seven seconds.
“I’m sorry. If I didn’t have this upcoming project, maybe I could’ve…”
Yet Maya simply shakes her head and stops her. “We would still be in the same position that we’re in now.”
A contemplative frown is etched on her face. She hates that Maya’s right. If not for her upcoming project, she maybe could’ve extended her stay in Japan by a few weeks more. But then what? Her entire life is in France, always has been. Meeting Tendou Maya doesn’t automatically change all of that. Right?
“You just had to be dramatic, didn’t you?” she asks, her eyes glassy with the threat of tears.
“That’s much more preferable than what I’ve been calling myself all this time.”
“And what's that?”
“A timid coward,” Maya answers honestly.
Claudine can’t help the snort of laughter that erupts even if all she wants to do is cry. She pulls Maya straight into a tight hug, arms wrapped around Maya’s middle. Claudine feels Maya’s arms wrap around her shoulders, hands flat against her back, warmth quickly spreading. When Maya rests her chin against Claudine’s shoulder, Claudine can only respond by tightening her grip.
She would have liked to stay in that embrace for hours, but she knew it only lasted seconds in comparison when her phone vibrated against her to alert her of the cab’s impending arrival.
Too soon, they pull apart from each other, Claudine slow to release Maya from her grasp. “We have got to do better than this.”
Maya laughs, and Claudine can already feel herself missing the sound of it. “Agreed. We will do better.”
Forty-seven seconds.
Claudine glances back at her wrist, the shining heart in full display. “Thank you. This is a wonderful gift.”
“Good. I’m glad. You deserve only the best, Claudine.” At the mention of her name cradled in the warmth of Maya’s voice, Claudine’s only desire is to kiss the woman in front of her, but knows that if she does, she’d never want to stop, never want to leave, never want to part.
“I’ll have to get back at you for this. You can’t be the only one doing this!”
“I look forward to what you come up with.”
Twenty-three seconds.
The cab inevitably appears on the horizon, the yellow car a striking contrast against the gray of the pavement and the light blue of the sky.
Nine seconds.
The car stops directly in front of them.
Time’s up.
The driver steps out from his side and dutifully opens the trunk before lugging Claudine’s suitcases to the back and packing them in. They turn to the driver when he slams the trunk door shut and Claudine meets his gaze.
“Give me a minute, please?” she asks, buying herself a bit more time. He grunts his response and heads back inside. She returns her attention back to Maya who’s remained even quieter all this time. “I guess it’s time to go.”
Maya’s the one to initiate the hug, one that lasts much shorter. But just as she’s about to pull away for the last time, Maya holds her in place.
“Don’t be a stranger, Claudine,” Maya’s soft voice requests, says her name in a breath like a prayer. Claudine pulls her face back and smiles, hopes it’s enough for now.
“I won’t.”
They pull away, apart. Then she steps back until she reaches the car door and gets in. She rolls the window down, as if the glass barrier was too much of a hindrance to commit the last images of Maya to memory before Claudine leaves Japan. She smiles despite herself when Maya brings a hand up and waves.
“Miss, are you ready?” he asks, asking her over his shoulder. She glances at him.
“To the airport, please.” With a nod, the car rumbles to life, and he shifts the car to drive.
She succumbs to the temptation and twists her body until she spares a final curious glance outside the back window to Maya’s figure standing in the middle of the street watching her go. When she turns back in her seat, she absently focuses her attention to her wrist. She feels the cool metal, twirling the new charm between her fingers, a promise in her hands.
—
four
It’s the final night of their performance.
Their hands are clasped tightly together front and center of an adoring crowd, cheering and applauding them for their final performance. Claudine’s smile is bright and wide, the exhilaration of her hard work culminating to one of the best performances she’s ever produced. Nameless faces in front of and around her, her co-stars behind them, and Maya beside her.
She squeezes their clasped hands when they take their final bow. She doesn’t let go when the final curtain drops.
Surprisingly, it’s without much fanfare while she gets dressed out of her costume and back to her own clothes. When she opens the dressing room door, Maya’s is already waiting for her. Then Maya looks up at her and offers her a smile, effortlessly beautiful.
"Are you ready? The others are waiting outside."
She nods and they fall in step until they reach the gathering crowd of their colleagues. They fall in step when they walk the few blocks to their usual bar. They fall in step when they inevitably sit beside one another at their usual booth.
"So what's next for you, Saijou-san?" one of her co-stars asks after their glasses of drinks are passed around.
She offers a polite smile, fiddles with the stem of her wine glass. "I’ll be heading back to France."
There's a chorus of dissent and loud booing from the people she’s considered friends these past few months. "So soon?"
"I'm afraid so," she says even as she glances at Maya who is nursing her bottle of beer, suddenly focused on the bottle’s drops of condensation. "Pre-production for my next project starts in two weeks, and I've got to sort out my life back home after being gone for over three months."
"Well, we'll miss you around here, Kuro-san! Won't we, Maya-san?" Claudine doesn’t bother hiding the glare she throws at Yachiyo who’s sporting a teasing grin on her own face.
"Of course. Saijou-san is a phenomenal performer."
Before Claudine could think too deeply about Maya's words, their group toasts to her, their glasses and bottles clinking against one another. "To Saijou-san!"
She smiles and clinks her glass with the others. As fellow cast and crew members joke around and tell stories of the last few months, Claudine knows she’ll miss them. This project and this experience has been one that’s exceeded her expectations. And she can only hope that something like this happens again in the future. Especially when she scans the lively group that surrounds her and her eyes land on the brunette woman beside her.
After a couple of hours, their group starts to thin out until she’s left standing alone right outside the bar. She turns and offers a smile when she hears the door open behind her and reveals Yachiyo. “Sorry, it’s only me.”
Claudine rolls her eyes. “Give yourself some credit.”
“It’s fine,” Yachiyo offers with an exaggerated sniffle. “I know you’re not in love with me.”
Claudine groans. “God, how could I forget how annoying you get when you’ve been drinking.”
Her friend takes the comment in stride and giggles. “Yeah, but you’ll miss me.”
“Come visit me in France. We have the best wine and you can be as annoying as you want there.”
“Deal.” With a surprising level of sobriety, Yachiyo steps forward and leans conspiratorially. "What are you gonna do about..." Yachiyo nods towards Maya still inside the bar, settling their bill. Claudine looks over her shoulder.
"Not really sure. We’re going on a date in a few days. Our first one.”
“The first one? Really? What were the others, practice runs? What do you call staying over her apartment and sleeping in her bed, sleepovers?” Yachiyo asks with incredulity and amusement.
She rolls her eyes goodnaturedly. “We never called them dates, we just…went to go do things. But she says that we should go on an official date at least once.”
“You two really took this concept of unconventional dating and ran with it.”
“We never half-ass anything, you know that.”
“Yeah, I’d say. Well, that’s my cue to go,” Yachiyo says, nodding to the door behind them signaling Maya’s arrival. “Let’s grab coffee one last time before you leave, ok?”
Claudine nods before she embraces her friend. “Of course.”
“Goodnight, Kuro-san, Maya-san,” Yachiyo says before waving at the two of them and heading the opposite direction.
"Ready to go?" Maya asks, body angled towards her. Claudine peers into the warmth of Maya’s eyes and nods.
Claudine sidles up to Maya, their hands playfully grazing against each other all the way home, her charm bracelet jingling between them.
*
“How much longer?” Claudine asks as Maya turns into one of the local streets from the highway.
“Just a few more minutes. The parking area is only a few blocks away.”
They quietly exit out of the car and head towards the trunk where they prepare themselves, putting on sunscreen, pulling their towels and foldable beach chairs, and the cooler they filled with their lunch and snacks.
The beach already has a fair bit of people, but there are still swaths of empty spots since it’s still early in the day. They make quick work of setting up their area, placing their beach chairs at the head of their towels with the cooler at the feet.
“Want to go for a walk first?” Maya asks, offering her hand down for Claudine to help her out of her spot on the towel. Claudine’s insides surge with warmth when Maya curls a grip around her hand. She doesn’t say anything when Maya doesn’t release their joint hands even after she'd gotten up, even as she needs to dust some sand off her legs, even as they begin to walk closer to the edge of the nearing tide just as their feet dig into the soft, wet sand. She only responds by tightening her hold, by not letting go.
They walk the length of the shore until they reach the first pier they see. Their stroll is quiet, filled with the sounds of seagulls, the waves, the other people around them. Claudine doesn’t mind, finds comfort in the quiet between them. No reason to find the hard words of her feelings if she can’t trust her voice to speak them out loud.
They return to their stuff and only then do they part, their hands finally, unfortunately, separating. She misses the warmth, the solidness of Maya’s hand cradled in hers, so she busies herself instead with unearthing their snacks from the cooler.
“Do you come to this beach a lot?” she asks just as she places the plastic container of cut fruits between them. Maya plucks up a piece of pineapple and pops it in her mouth, taking her time to answer.
“No, actually.” Claudine arches her brow in question, but Maya simply shrugs. “I was always busy or doing something else, especially after graduating. This is actually the first time I’ve been to the beach in a few years. We got lucky with the weather today.”
“I’m just surprised, that’s all,” she comments as she props her arms behind her and leans on them.
Maya pauses the traveling fruit into her mouth and tilts her head in question. “Why?”
“I don’t know. Guess I just thought this was your move.”
“My move?”
“You know,” Claudine says as she raises an arm to gesture all around her. “To romance someone. Take a girl out on the beach, have a picnic. I thought that this was like your go-to move for a date.”
Maya stares at her, and Claudine’s self-consciousness grows as the silence between them extends. Then, Maya puts the fruit that’d been suspended in the air back in the container and places it in the space between them. “You really think that?”
She shrugs. “Sure. A beautiful woman like you taking someone out on a date to the beach where you get to show off your body in a bikini, a picnic under the sun with food you prepared. And a beautiful beach where there aren’t too many people so it’s kinda private. What’s not to like?”
“Saijou-san,” Maya says finally after a few moments. “You sound like a cheap date.”
Claudine’s jaw hangs, shocked at the accusation. “Fuck you, no I’m not!”
As she throws the first thing she grabs ahold of — a small individual packet of pudding — towards Maya’s legs and hitting the other woman on the thigh, Maya’s laughter is light and breezy, flies in the wind as easily as it appeared.
Maya’s laugh softens until it disappears into a small grin on her face and she’s leaning in a little bit closer, placing her hand in the empty space between them. “For what it’s worth, I’ve never taken another woman out to the beach like this. Just you. And it pleases me that you’re liking this date.” Then, scrunching her eyebrows in thought, she looks up at Claudine. “You are, right?”
Claudine doesn’t immediately make a move, instead takes her time to lift up from her resting position and reaches towards the container between them. She grabs the fork with the pineapple already stabbed through the prongs and pops the fruit in her mouth. She chews slowly, savoring the sweetness and acidity of the pineapple for far longer than she normally would if only to watch from her periphery the way Maya intently focuses on her. When she’s done, she brings her eyes to meet Maya’s gaze and smirks. “Well, I’m probably going to burn despite all the sunscreen we put on, and it’s a little weird to have a first date the day before I leave the country, but yeah. I’m really liking this date.”
*
The rest of their day is a subdued but welcomed affair. Claudine had no idea how her time in Japan was going to come to an end when she first showed up, but she didn’t anticipate this, not any of it. Now she wonders about her life returning to France, how unequivocally changed she would be. She worries her bottom lip between her teeth when she glances at Maya, committing the contour of the other woman's profile to memory.
Maya drives them home and Claudine soaks in the view until the city limits rise around her, gone are the empty expanse of water and sand to be replaced with lines of brick buildings and telephone poles.
They pick up some takeout and eat side by side on the couch as they watch a Korean drama on the television. It’s a quiet way to spend her last night in Japan, a domestic way to spend their last night. She doesn’t think about how easy they settle into what they have together.
Later, they elect to sit out on Maya’s apartment balcony overlooking parts of Tokyo, content to watch the city lights flicker in and out as people’s nights begin and end. Out there, they spend the evening hours as it turns into night talking. About the rest of their dreams and goals, how they're making it happen, how this production is something they’re proud of for their individual achievements, but for the work they get to do together.
Still, Claudine's heart yearns for someone she can’t quite have. A someone who dons the face of the most beautiful woman Claudine’s ever laid eyes on, the talent of an actress whose work she’s inspired by, and the heart of a person she’d never thought she’d feel such connection with.
The risk is too great, she’s calculated. She’s too much of a realist to think that love will solve all problems. She’s seen it with her own parents and the quiet and resigned divorce they’d brought to Claudine just a few years ago after a tumultuous separation.
Still, though. It doesn’t stop the ache in her chest to yearn for something close to it. And she’s afraid that the only way to pacify the aching can only be done by taking a chance with the woman sitting beside her. Instead, she offers a little piece of herself up, blanketed by the night as she looks up towards the waning moon.
“Remember the launch party after they introduced us?”
“Yes.”
“I wanted to explain myself, but just didn’t have the energy to do it then.”
Maya’s eyes widen at that, surprise coloring her features. “We don’t have to do this, Saijou-san.”
The brunette woman begins to get up from her chair, but Claudine grabs hold of her wrist, and looks at her pleadingly. She’s leaving in hours, she doesn’t want to leave any more loose ends in the air, at least not this.
“Maybe not, but I’d like to. I think you deserve to know.” The frown on Maya’s face softens and she bites her bottom lip in thought. When Claudine thinks this is how their night will end, Maya slowly settles back down in her seat. Either relief or courage, Claudine takes a deep breath, her chest expanding. “The truth is that I got scared.”
“Scared of what? Me?”
She shakes her head, squeezes Maya’s wrist. “No, not you. Or, well. Maybe you, too. It’s not like I can take you out of the equation, right?” Claudine releases a wry chuckle as she stares at her empty hands. “I was scared of the weight of it. The possibilities. Name your pick, I think I got scared of it. That time felt like a bubble, you know? It was easy to forget the rest of the world. And when my parents’ marriage exploded, I just couldn’t think of relationships in any other light.” She takes a deep breath, tries to steady her breathing. “Well, anyway. By that point I thought the damage was done and you were conveniently very far away.”
“What about now?”
She shrugs, unsure of how to proceed. In her mind she only got to this point, had built the wall of this moment ever higher until she’d been enveloped by darkness to her feelings akin to the night in front of them. But now that she’d said it, she’s not sure of what’s to come. “Now, I’m terrified. Especially knowing how you feel—how we both feel. And it’s not like you’re any closer.”
The distance between Tokyo and France is almost ten thousand kilometers. Claudine’s not one to typically exaggerate, but the way Maya looks at her now — whose features are deceivingly neutral — with Claudine’s confession presented at her feet, already feels like a larger chasm than the trip that will soon take her back halfway across the globe.
Eventually, graciously, Maya closes the distance between them again by placing her hand on top of Claudine’s and squeezing it, the warmth of her palms spreading quickly up Claudine’s arm.
“I want you to know that I’m scared, too.” Claudine wants so badly to cry, Maya’s words reaffirming and soothing her, but she settles for a relieved laugh. “What is it?”
“Nothing. It’s just good to hear that from you.”
Maya’s face scrunches, the corners of her lips tugged down in a frown, her violet eyes awash with sadness. Her voice filters unsteadily out of her mouth. “I’m sorry, Saijou-san. I thought—well, I thought by holding myself back that I was helping alleviate your concerns, given our limited time together.”
She can’t help but roll her eyes, both amused and frustrated at the woman in front of her. “Don’t hold back, ok? Please, whatever happens, however way this shakes out between us, don’t hold back.”
Dutifully, Maya nods. Then, with a slight grimace, “We probably should’ve had this conversation sooner.”
Claudine lets out a small rueful chuckle, and holds onto Maya’s hand tighter, considers the feasibility of never letting go. “Probably. But better late than never, right?”
When Claudine yawns for the third time in a row, Maya calls her out on it before ushering them back inside. Claudine gets ready for bed, donning her usual borrowed pair of shirt and shorts from Maya. When she emerges from the bathroom, Maya is already on her side of the bed (a thought Claudine refuses to acknowledge) scrolling through her phone.
As she pulls the covers back to get in, Maya tilts her head and smirks. “What’s this? Famed actress Saijou Claudine getting in my bed on the first date?”
Claudine groans as she settles on her side of the bed, even fluffing her pillow before resting her head on it. “Aren’t you an adult? How are you the leading actress of the New National Company? Like, how?” Maya’s airy chuckles fill the room and for a small moment, Claudine lets herself believe, sinks herself into the fantasy of what this could be, had it been another life. “And just to let you know, I had a terrible date.”
The truth, of course, is that the date was perfect. It was exactly everything she’d wanted with Maya. The time, the peace, the laughter. If she could only ever have one date with Maya, she’s more than satisfied that this was how it had transpired.
“So you’re even easier to bed than I thought.”
She harrumphs with a defiant upturn of her chin. “You’re the worst date and completely insufferable. I’m leaving you here all alone to sleep on the couch.” But she makes no move to leave. Maya, for her part, adjusts herself to lay on her side, cheek pressed against the pillow. Claudine stays absolutely still when Maya reaches out to squeeze Claudine’s hand, the one resting between them.
“You don’t mean that,” Maya says, her voice almost a whisper, as if any louder would disrupt the coziness that has quickly enveloped them.
“No,” she breathes, eyes closing when she feels Maya’s fingers trace around the charms of her bracelet, the tips of her fingers warm against Claudine’s skin. “I don’t.”
—
three
“Will you wait for me?” Maya asks, takes a step forward, hand reaching out to her.
“What if I can’t?”
“Can’t or won’t?”
“How dare you! I—” Claudine’s shoulders slump, her jaw open, words unable to come out of her mouth. Maya is staring at her, and her mind blanks.
“Let’s try that again, please.” She shakes out of her reverie and twists her body to face Director Sakuragi who puts her hand up and calls for a fifth re-do of the same scene.
“I'm sorry, director.”
“Is something the matter, Saijou-san? Are you not feeling well?”
Her cheeks redden in embarrassment and frustration, bowing in apology. “No, director.” She turns to look at Maya who’s only staring at her, an unreadable expression on her face, script in her hand and looking completely unaffected. “I’m not sure what’s going on with me. I promise it won’t happen again.”
“Let’s take it from the middle of page twelve, Saijou-san.”
She nods and steps back into position. She spares a glance at Maya who has done the same, but the intensity of Maya’s eyes on her, one that is meant for her character, destroys her focus once again.
“Saijou-san?” She blinks back to attention.
“Right. Sorry.”
She takes another deep breath and starts again. The rest of practice is stilted and Claudine has to apologize profusely for her off day, her frustration boiling over from her lackluster performance. Thankfully, Director Sakuragi moves on to a different scene.
When they’ve finished for the day, she stomps to the dressing room and slams the script on the counter, covering her face with her hands, on edge from her abysmal performance. She hears the dressing room door swing open and close with a soft click.
“Saijou-san?”
“What do you want, Maya?” Claudine glances up from her hands and towards the mirror, showing Maya cautiously standing a few feet behind her.
“I wanted to check in on you.”
“Don’t. I’m fine.” She sighs, gets to her feet and begins packing up her makeup from the counter. “Sometimes people have bad days. I’ll be back and ready tomorrow.”
“That’s not what I’m talking about.”
“Then what is it?” She turns her head to look at Maya directly.
Maya stands up straighter, but doesn’t make a move to step any closer. “It’s the script, isn’t it?”
“Give the woman a prize,” she mutters, shoving her things in her duffel bag. “Look, Maya. I’d really rather not do this right now, ok. We can’t all be like you.”
“What does that mean?”
She stops and drops her duffel on the counter. “Of course you’re not affected by it,” she scoffs. “Tendou Maya with the impenetrable veneer, always cool and calm.”
Maya frowns. “Is that what you think of me?”
“I put myself on the line—” Just as Maya is about to interrupt, Claudine puts a hand up, effectively silencing the other woman. “Yet you’re business as usual. Which, fine. But I’m just not good at acting like there’s nothing between us.”
Maya’s eyes darken, her jaw tensing. “That’s not fair. You’re the one who keeps on insisting that you’re leaving at the end of the season.”
She rubs at her eyes, even more frustrated that her words are getting thrown back at her. “Fine, you’re right. You can blame it all on me. Whatev—”
“Enough!” Maya cries, stunning Claudine into silence. Maya takes a centering breath, stepping back to give the two of them air and space. She starts again, voice considerably softer this time. “Saijou-san, I don’t want to do that. I’m simply trying to understand what’s happening here. If nothing was meant to happen, then why tell me your feelings at all?”
She shakes her head, brushes her bangs out of her eyes, the ultimate question hanging between them. She grabs the handles of her bag and pulls it until it sags behind her, hitting her calf. “I don’t know. I just—maybe I shouldn’t have. Maybe I shouldn’t have.”
She sidesteps Maya and walks out of the room leaving her alone, door thudding closed behind her.
*
It’s been four days since she’d walked out on Maya.
Four days of silent morning practice alone in the studio, devoid of Maya’s pointers, directions, and encouragement. Four days of eating by herself at lunch instead of going over the script, talking about restaurants in Tokyo to try, and giving feedback on Maya’s somewhat earnest journey of baking pastries. Four days of their only exchanged words coming purely from the script. Four days of an empty hallway, nobody patiently waiting for her outside the dressing room to walk to the train station together.
Four days of cold distance from Maya, one that the other woman lobs back at her with infuriating ease.
So it’s four days later from that fraught interaction that she finds herself in the same dressing room, but with Yachiyo staring at her through the mirror with a questioning arch of her brow, silent words passing between them. For her own self-preservation, Claudine simply continues to brush mascara on her lashes, focusing her sights on her own features instead of the prying eyes of her friend.
“You’ve been ignoring her.”
She angles her head to inspect her work, not bothering to look at her friend. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Hmm,” Yachiyo hums. From Claudine’s periphery, she sees the other woman get settled in the neighboring seat. “So you have nothing to do with Tendou Maya being standoffish lately?”
“Isn’t she like that by default?” She winces at herself, regretting the words as soon as they’d come out of her mouth.
“Wow. That’s—wow, Kuro-san. She turned you down, didn’t she?”
She twists her head so fast, she’s thankful she doesn’t poke her eye out with the mascara brush. “Excuse me? What’s that supposed to mean?”
Yachiyo rests back on the makeup chair, cool and relaxed as can be, and places her hand on the armrests before shrugging. “What other reason could there be?”
She scoffs, anger darkening her eyes. “Nobody turned me down!”
“So what’s the problem? Why the cold shoulder? Unless it’s a sex thing, because if that’s the case—”
Claudine puts her hand up, her thumb and forefinger holding the mascara brush. “Stop! Don’t even finish that sentence. It’s not a sex thing. We’re not doing—we’re not together.”
Yachiyo swivels the makeup chair so that her entire body is fully facing her. “What’s going on, Kuro-san?”
Claudine’s shoulders sag and she places the mascara brush back into the cylinder. “Nothing. Nothing’s going on. Which is how it should be. I’m gonna be gone in two months, and—”
“Hey, hey. Two months is plenty of time.”
She scoffs. “Yachiyo, please. I don’t really wanna hear it.”
“Then maybe stop wasting time.” She glances at Yachiyo resting her chin on her hand as it’s propped on the armrest. When Claudine doesn’t say anything, Yachiyo continues. “You said it yourself, you’ve got two months. Why aren’t you with her?”
“I’m not gonna date her for two months and leave.”
“Then don’t date her.”
She scrunches her face in confusion, unable to follow her friend’s logic. When she doesn’t say anything, Yachiyo rolls her eyes before rising to her feet and stands beside her. Yachiyo turns Claudine towards with the tube of coral lipstick from the counter, pausing to confirm the shade, before gesturing for Claudine to get in position.
“You could easily have a fling. You’re attractive, she’s attractive. It’s ridiculously unfair, to be honest, but understandable.”
“I don’t–I don’t want to have a fling.”
Yachiyo’s hand hovers right by her face, the lipstick mere centimeters from her face. “Well, I know that. It’s because you’re in love with her.”
“I’m not—” Yachiyo arches a daring brow, and Claudine sighs.
“Listen, I don’t know if you know this, but you can decide what kind of relationship you wanna have with Maya-san,” Yachiyo says, gently grabbing Claudine’s chin between her thumb and forefinger, tilting her head up slightly. “You and Maya-san have full control of how to spend the two months together. You can skip any part you want from the dating process and just have fun. You can take each other out on lavish dinners, travel to onsens in different parts of the country. Or you can go to the mall together and just hold hands. It doesn’t actually matter.”
The wax of lipstick glides against her lips, the pressure from Yachiyo gentle yet firm. She allows her face to be handled, Yachiyo tilting her face to the side to get a good look at her handiwork. “But what does matter is if you don’t do anything. You said it yourself, you only have two months.”
She blinks quickly, Yachiyo’s words processing fully within her to a thought she hadn’t considered until now, as if opening her eyes to a perspective. As a result, tears prick at the corner of her eyes. Her co-star smiles at her before capping the lipstick back and placing it along with the rest of Claudine’s makeup.
“Don’t make me cry, you’ll ruin my makeup.” She brings her hands up and fans at her eyes to dry the tears threatening to spill.
“Don’t be stupid, maybe,” Yachiyo teases with a giggle. “Now, want to help me with mine?”
She smiles and nods, ushers her friend to sit on the chair behind her, thankful for Yachiyo’s blatant offer to move on.
*
Claudine lingers by the open door of the other dressing room, catches a sliver of movement on the other side: Maya packing up her belongings. Her heart aches, the thought of how this scene probably looked similar to their last encounter.
They’d finished rehearsals early for the day, a rarity in itself. Her first inclination is to take to practicing in the studio by herself and perfecting her lines and her moves. But as she’d slung her duffel bag over her shoulder, Yachiyo had given her an expectant look. She’d waved Yachiyo off, and now she finds herself by the door, slowly building her courage up.
With a deep breath, she knocks on the door.
“Come in.” Maya’s back is still to the door as she works on folding her clothes neatly before placing it in her workout bag.
“Can I talk to you?” Her co-star tensed in place, rigid as she’s hunched over her bag. When Maya doesn’t say anything and resumes packing, she thinks about walking away. But she presses on. “Two minutes, then I’ll leave. I just came to apologize.”
Maya stands to her full height and meets Claudine’s gaze through their reflections in the mirror. “It doesn’t matter. You said it yourself, I don’t get affected by anything.”
She winces, her words thrown back at her. “I’m sorry. It wasn’t kind of me to say that.”
“But you meant it.”
Claudine shakes her head. “It wasn’t fair of me. I was not having a good day and took it out on you.”
“Please don’t you dare blame a bad day—”
She raises her hands in surrender. “I’m not blaming a bad day, I promise. I was having a lousy day because I couldn’t control my thoughts and feelings.”
“Right, thoughts and feelings you’ve come to regret having,” Maya sneers as she continues packing.
“No, Maya—” She takes a calming breath and tries again. “I won’t pretend I handled myself all that well, because I didn’t. But you’d rejected me, and I was hurt by that.”
Maya crosses the room in quick strides until their bodies are almost pressed up to each other, the tips of their shoes touching, the intensity of Maya’s eyes piercing into her.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to reject you. If anything, I was elated to hear you admit your feelings for me. It meant I wasn’t alone in mine. But I didn’t want our first kiss to happen in that way. Not when you didn’t know where you stood. And I don’t think I would be able to handle it if you took it back later, deciding you didn’t want me anymore.”
“Maya…”
“I like you, Claudine. More than I care to admit in this dressing room. But for both our sakes, please just tell me what you want to happen.”
It cracks something raw in Claudine’s chest to look at Maya’s eyes shining, open, and waiting. She swallows through the dryness of her mouth. Then, she utters an all too familiar refrain. “Two months really isn’t a long time.”
Maya sighs, “So you keep telling me.”
Tears prick at Claudine’s eyes, but she holds them at bay, her fears bubbling to the surface. “But can it be enough for you?”
Maya pulls back as if giving Claudine the space to think and answer. “If I say yes, will you finally tell me what it is you want?”
She bites her lip, her head now blanking when faced with Maya, beautiful Maya, waiting for her. Claudine can smell her lingering perfume, can feel the lingering warmth emanating from her body, can still map the freckles dotting her cheeks and neck.
“I think–I think I want to go to the mall.”
Maya’s brows raise up to her hairline in surprise. “You… want to go to the mall?”
“Yeah. Let’s just–let’s just see how it goes, between us. And we can just do something easy, like go window shopping, pick up some ice cream or something.” The brunette woman in front of her softens, the stress of her shoulders releasing upon her response, and all she’s left is a vision of a gentler version of Maya. And it’s one Claudine is greedy to accept and catalog in her memories.
“And that’s what you want?” Maya, whose eyes are cautiously optimistic, asks her even as she brings her hands to hold Claudine by the elbows. Claudine smiles, wants to assure the woman in front of her that she wants to try, if nothing else.
“Yes.”
*
They’d agreed to meet up at the mall in a couple of hours, Maya protesting that she’d like to be clean and look presentable for their outing. So that’s how Claudine finds herself waiting at the front entrance of the mall, leisurely looking around at the other patrons of the mall to try and calm her beating heart.
When she sees Maya walk towards her, the smile spreads on her face only getting wider when Maya visibly brightens up to look at her. “I hope you haven't been waiting long,” Maya says when they reach each other.
“No, just got here. Shall we?” Maya dips her chin at her before they soon fall in step by each other’s side. Claudine lets herself believe the afternoon as solely theirs. The meandering way they step in and out of stores easily plays into a fantasy that they do this regularly as another way to spend time together.
After an hour, however, and only part way through the entirety of the mall, doubt seeps in. And she wonders is this ok? Is this what it means when she said we’ll see how it goes?
Only when Maya stops and turns to her that Claudine, in complete and abject horror, realizes she’d said these thoughts aloud. But Maya’s voice breaks through.
“I don’t know what I’m doing, same as you. It’s not as if I’ve had plenty of experience navigating something like this.”
“It would help right about now, though.”
“If you’d like, I can find another French actress spending time in Tokyo to have an amorphous relationship with and report back to you.”
She shoves Maya away despite the growing smirk on the brunette woman’s face. “God, why do I put up with this? I take back my promise of buying you dessert later. You clearly don’t deserve it.”
As she makes a move to walk away from Maya, the other woman quickly and securely catches her by the wrist and pulls her close to her, the charms of her bracelet softly digging in. “Saijou-san, I understand your worries. But this can be whatever we decide. It doesn’t have to hurt.”
And the irony of Maya’s words, meant to act as a balm to Claudine’s worries, cut her deeply. Because the truth is this: it already hurts. She’s balancing herself on a knife’s edge, traipsing on the blade of what she wants and what she cannot have, and what sliver of opportunity she can take before she gets too greedy with it.
“Ok, you’re right,” Claudine says instead, gathering herself. As Maya is about to release her wrist, she flips her hand to catch Maya’s hand in hers. “Hey, still want ice cream?”
A bright and open smile appears on Maya’s face and it immediately soothes the thundering of Claudine’s heart. “Lead the way.”
She adjusts her hand in Maya’s grip until she can interlace their fingers. This is her attempt at answering her own question. And the satisfied smile on Maya’s face is enough for her to know that it’s the right one.
*
They spend the following weeks near inseparable.
And very little, she quickly realizes, changes from her schedule. It’s just now, she’s much more aware of Maya being there than in weeks past.
Instead of walking into a practice studio with Maya already stretching, her co-star waits so they stretch together. Instead of directly heading home after a long day of work, she meanders by the front doors waiting for Maya and they walk to the train station together. Instead of buying quick dinners from the convenience store, she invites Maya to come by for a simple, but home-cooked meal. Instead of chancing upon Maya’s presence, she takes advantage of each moment, purposeful in spending it together as much as possible.
Two months can be worth it.
It surprises her how quickly everyone starts referring to them as a packaged deal, but she allows it — Maya and Claudine, Claudine and Maya. People have made assumptions, have downright asked about the nature of their relationship. But she plays her cards close to her chest. She turns on her charm, easy as ever, and skirts around a proper response, dances around the rumors. Maya does the same, of course she does, and the two create a bubble of mystery around them that’s solely theirs.
It’s enough, whatever they have. Not quite more, but never less.
Because she can’t make the leap, and Maya doesn’t ask her to jump. Claudine’s content for now, but as time trickles out of her grasp, the pin-sized hole that appeared in her heart from the start has only grown until there’s a yawning gape in her chest.
—
two
“Good morning, Saijou-san,” Maya says just as she heads for the barre.
“Do you just never leave the studio or what? This is the third time I’ve come up to practice and you’re already here.” What Claudine doesn’t say is how she’s looked forward to coming every morning just to catch Maya.
“Perhaps you’ll just have to find out.”
She shakes her head, but takes a spot in the center of the studio to begin her stretches. “Oh, you bet I will.”
“I look forward to waiting for you to arrive after me tomorrow.”
“You’re annoying. I’m trying to stretch,” she teases with a scowl with no punch. Maya's laugh is soft, almost to herself, and Claudine worries her lip between her teeth to hide her smile.
Practice began in the respective areas of the studio they carved for themselves. But it didn’t take long for either of them to be pulled in each other’s orbits. Not when it’s so easy to jump into Maya’s arms as they go through the initial steps of an important dance routine in the play. Not when it’s so easy to read her lines and feel transported to another world when Maya speaks to her. Not when it’s the first time in her growing career that she’s had this much fun with someone else who can match her energy and her drive.
“Thanks for practicing with me,” she offers, taking a swig of her water just as the two of them begin to head towards the exit.
“Would you like to join me again tomorrow?” Maya asks on their way to the theater, a hopeful smile on her face. Something stirs deep within Claudine, awakening something that’s laid dormant for so long. Unsure how to place her feelings, she only smiles.
“Yeah, ok. I’d like that.”
“Great, I’ll wait for you since you’ll end up arriving after me,” Maya says with a smirk, one that Claudine wants to wipe off of her beautiful face.
Claudine grunts, but there’s amusement in her eyes. “Yeah, you wish.”
*
“What’s going on with you and Maya-san?” Yachiyo asks as she takes a sip of her tea. Claudine peeks over at her friend before unwrapping the wax paper from around her sandwich and taking a bite.
“What?” It comes out more strained than she’d wanted, but tries to clear her throat to neutrality even as Yachiyo arches a brow, one that rivals her own.
“Oh so it’s like that, hm?”
Claudine rolls her eyes. “There’s nothing going on.”
“And why not?”
She takes another generous bite of her sandwich before leaning back, if only to mull over her thoughts further. “Nothing’s gonna come out of it.”
“Again, why not?”
“Yachiyo,” she warns. But her friend doesn’t seem fazed in the slightest.
“Come on. You’re telling me that you’re in a foreign country, you’re doing what you love, and the hottest woman you’ve ever met likes you back and you’re gonna do nothing about it?”
She can’t help the frown that appears on her face, not when the truth is so bluntly put in front of her like that. “I’m leaving at the end of the season.”
“Nobody said to uproot your life and marry the woman. But if that’s what you want, it’s never been easier to maintain a long distance relationship.”
“Even across the world?”
“People do it all the time. What’s this really about?” Yachiyo asks, resting her head on her joined hands in front of Claudine.
“This line of work is already so busy and uncertain. And to consider the continental distance just feels like too much. And I don’t wanna start something that I can’t continue. Not about this, anyway.” Claudine sighs, turns her attention out to the random people walking past them, wondering if they’re having a better go at their own lives than she is currently.
“Kuro-san, I’m not gonna tell you that love conquers all or anything like that,” Yachiyo offers with a small teasing smirk. “But it still conquers a lot. So maybe you can just think about the next few months and see what happens.” Her friend offers those words of support with a shrug as if that explanation is more than enough, as if it wouldn’t unravel her in ways that she knows she’s not ready for, as if that’s the most obvious answer to the question that plagues her. “So you have a choice to make: you could do nothing or you could spend the season kissing the woman of your dreams.”
She entertains the possibilities of what Yachiyo is laying out for her. Perhaps it’s something that she can have, even for a time. She’d certainly denied herself the chance before.
“Well, who’s to say she even feels the same way.”
Her friend barks out a boisterous laugh, attracting the attention of the other patrons around them. Claudine can only glare at her despite Yachiyo’s continued teasing. Despite the assurances from her friend that she’s not alone in her feelings, the thought of pursuing any relationship with Maya right now overwhelms her, shoves her heart against her ribcage that leaves her on edge and out of breath.
*
It’s a beautiful night out, not a cloud in the evening sky to hide the crescent of the moon. They’ve just spent the evening out drinking with their fellow cast and crew mates after a long week of work.
Claudine walks through the station turnstile, smiling at the sight of Maya trailing behind her.
Maya tilts her head to the side, a questioning raised brow directed at her. “What is it? Do I still have sauce on my face?”
“No, no. Nothing like that. I just like seeing you like this. You’re so serious at work.”
“Because I take work seriously.”
Claudine rolls her eyes, bumps their shoulders together. “So do I, but I know how to let loose.”
“I know how to let loose!” Maya protests, indignation coloring her voice.
“Not holding a solo practice on a Friday night doesn’t count.”
Maya counters with her own eyeroll. “Says the woman who wakes up early Saturday mornings to hold her own solo practice when she thinks nobody’s there.”
“How do you know about that! Tendou Maya, have you been spying on me?!” she gasps, shoving a finger in Maya’s face amidst Maya’s smug laughter at having discovered her secret. “The security guard said he’d keep it a secret!”
The cool summer breeze passes through them, yet she feels hot in her skin with the way Maya cradles Claudine’s hand in hers. She clutches Maya’s fingers in her grip, neither letting go as they enter a surprisingly empty train car and settling at the end of one of the benches.
Perhaps it’s the glasses of wine buzzing under her skin or perhaps it’s the reckless bravery she gains when her vision darts between Maya’s deep amethyst eyes and her pinkened lips, but the words she’s long held in her chest swiftly tumble out of her mouth before she has the abilities or the sense to stop them.
“Maya, I like you.”
And, oh. How easy it sounds in her ears, how liberating.
Shock plasters Maya’s face until it softens and shifts into a small, knowing smile. “I like you, too.”
“No, I mean, I like you.”
“Saijou-san, I know what you mean.”
It settles a rumbling in her chest to hear Maya say the words back, but she wonders if she’ll be able to express herself in time before Maya has to leave in four measly stops. She hums in thought to gather her words studying their hands touch each other while they both grip the edge of the bench between them.
“Do you remember the launch party?”
“I do.”
“Did you know I was watching you? I’d just gotten in, and you hadn’t seen me yet, but god, all the people around you just had their eyes on you. I guess mine included. You really can command a room just by existing, you know that?”
“I think it comes with the territory of being an actress,” Maya replies smoothly.
“No, I don’t think so. Not the way you do it.” Claudine shakes her head and smirks when Maya looks at her with a curious gaze. “I think it simply comes with being you.”
Three stops away.
Claudine thinks that’s the end of that, but Maya tilts her head and stares at her expectantly. “I saw you first.”
Claudine’s brows furrow and she tenses a bit. “What?”
“I saw you come in.”
“What?”
Maya nods. “I remember you came in much later than everybody else. I saw you enter the bar. I was coming out of the bathroom when you’d just stepped in. I believe you walked straight to talk with Tsuruhime-san. You were wearing that lovely navy blue dress with the spaghetti straps. Your hair was up in a loose bun. I thought you looked quite beautiful.”
Two stops away.
“I didn’t know you’d seen me first.” Her words come out a bit weak, and she’s thankful she’s already sitting down by how unsteady she feels.
“I did. Of course I did.”
Wordlessly, she stares at Maya who offers her a small knowing smile. Claudine’s cheeks grow warm from surprise and embarrassment, though she’ll readily excuse it under her inebriation.
One stop away.
Claudine leans ever so slightly, eyes trained on Maya’s lips, their shoulders bumping against one another.
“I have to leave at the end of the season.”
And oh, Claudine can see how Maya is definitely within kissing distance. She could do it, and she could skip wondering just how soft Maya’s lips are, just how pliant the other woman could be under her touch. And her alcohol-addled brain tries to ignore the flashing warnings that the distance isn’t half a breath away or a courageous push forward, but actually of oceans, of continents, of time zones.
“This is probably not a good idea, but.”
Damn the consequences of that distance, none too great for the impulses of after-midnight risks. So she uses the momentum of the train to sway her forward until the centimeters between them dwindle. It’s the jump she wants to make. Close, closer…
“Tell me to stop.”
Maya offers her a sad smile, eyes shining under the fluorescent lights of the train, and leans back just out of reach of her, of what she feels they both clearly desire.
The train begins to slow and with it arrives the sobering rejection that punches her square in the gut.
Claudine tries not to recoil when she hears Maya softly and sweetly wish her goodnight. She doesn’t trust her voice, doesn’t trust what may come out so she settles for a simple nod. She leans back on the wall of the car, releases her hold of the metal bar, and touches her bracelet as a way to ground herself, to make sense of what had just transpired.
Maya exits the train car without another glance back. Claudine watches until Maya becomes a blur and she stays rooted in her spot, swaying with the train as it moves, and she’s left to wonder what the fuck just happened.
—
one
“How much longer?” Claudine asks from the backseat. She glances at her phone to check the time, hates that she’s running late for her own launch party, the summer production of Lightning Strike, of which she’s one of the lead actresses. Nobody would fault her for the jet lag after having traveled from France just earlier that day, but it doesn’t stop her from worrying.
“Not too long now,” the taxi driver states after she asks for the third time. She fiddles with the individual charms on her bracelet, a habit to keep her hands occupied, in control. It does the trick of getting her to focus, an old bracelet she bought for herself years ago during a training camp just after graduating from high school. Ever since, she’s collected charms throughout the years.
When she gets out of the car, she tries to peer into the bar with no luck, the tinted windows only revealing people inside, but not much more. She’s slow to open the door, but when she does, she quickly scans the room until she finds Yachiyo, talking with some people and beelines towards her.
“Kuro-san!” Yachiyo greets with a hug, careful not to spill her champagne all over Claudine. “I was wondering when you’d make it.”
“Still suffering from jet lag,” she comments.
“Can’t blame you. Did you get in all right?” She waves off her friend’s concerns and gives her a summary of her long but otherwise ordinary flight here. It’s when a caterer handing out glasses of champagne passes that something from across the room catches her eye.
When she looks across the room, she finds the most beautiful woman she’s ever laid eyes on. Her breath hitches in her throat at the sight.
Anybody in the theater world has heard of Tendou Maya. Even all the way in France, Claudine has read about and heard her achievements. She’d seen photos and video clips, of course, but even from this distance, Maya’s beauty is unrivaled.
She watches Tendou Maya, prodigious actress and performer and her co-lead of their upcoming production, easily command the room, command the attention of everyone around her. The woman looked unreasonably regal for a launch party, wearing a shimmery silver wrap dress and white heels, long brunette hair flowing behind her clipped with a white ribbon.
“Saijou-san!”
She quickly turns her attention to the source of the voice calling for her and finds Director Sakuragi greeting her with a hug. “How was your flight? Did you make it in all right?”
“Just fine, director. Thank you.”
“Excellent. Now, come with me. I’d like to introduce you to some of your castmates.” She follows the director dutifully, and though there are many others who wave and greet her, she knows there’s only one destination when she crosses the room.
“Tendou Maya, this is Saijou Claudine. You two will be working closely together this season.”
Tendou Maya faces her and gives her a winning smile, extending her hand. “Saijou-san.”
Consummate professional that she is, Claudine pulls her shoulders back and accepts the offered hand. “Tendou Maya.”
“I look forward to working with you.”
“Likewise.”
*
Her jet lag might finally be getting the best of her as she squeezes her eyes shut trying to stave off the sleepiness out of them. Perhaps due to her tiredness, she doesn’t react when she hears the patio door swing open, doesn’t react to someone sitting a few chairs from her, doesn’t react when she hears Maya’s soft, sweet voice. One she’d almost forgotten after all these years.
“It’s good to see you again, Saijou-san.”
“You look good,” she offers when she turns her attention from the city lights and onto Maya. “How long has it been?”
Maya hums, mirrors how Claudine looks out onto the world in front of them. “Too long, I think.”
Silence fills the space between them.
“You never did call me back,” Maya says finally.
She weighs her options, wonders how much her truth right now is worth to the woman across from her. Instead, she settles for confirmation of the truth. “No, I didn’t.”
As if expecting her answer, Maya simply nods. “Did you at least think about it?”
“Of course! I thought about you all the time! But after I got back home, my parents…they—” She takes a deep breath. “By the time stuff with my family got sorted out, I thought it was too late.”
Another bout of silence falls on them, her words hanging pathetically between them. She knocks back the rest of the drink she brought out with her and briefly wonders how time feels so slow even as her heart beats so quickly in her chest.
“I’m glad you still have it.” Maya jerks her chin towards the direction of her wrist, and Claudine instantly looks down and finds her charm bracelet.
“Funny you say that considering you helped me pick it out.”
“Goes to show that I have exemplary taste.”
“I can’t believe you remember.”
It’s almost silly how she says it, especially with the way Maya’s eyes bore into her as if to say, how could I ever forget? Instead, Maya’s voice fills the air between them.
“Your collection has expanded.” She thumbs through the various charms attached — a star, musical note, a cat, a flower, the Eiffel tower.
The truth is far simpler than Claudine cares to admit because when she thinks about the last time she and Maya saw each other, she’d been at the precipice of feelings she didn’t know what to do with tangled with the decay of her parents’ marriage. How does a newly graduated high schooler deal with that but with a healthy dose of fear and recklessness?
Nevertheless, it’s a truth that has pressed itself against her lungs making it that much harder to breathe at the mere thought of how this reunion would take place, if ever.
She takes a deep breath, and turns her body fully towards the woman across from her. “Maya, I’m—”
“There you two are!” Yachiyo announces from her spot at the door. The pair of them twist their heads in the direction of their co-star. “People have been looking for the both of you. Come on, they want to take some photos to put on the website.”
With the moment broken, Claudine sighs and grips one of the charms of her bracelet tighter.
“Shall we?” she asks, puts on a brave face. Maya nods at her and they move towards the door in tandem to follow their co-star back inside.
When Claudine reaches out for the door, she’s stopped by the warmth of Maya’s hand on her arm.
“Saijou-san, it’s not too late.”
Claudine’s mouth curls into an ‘O’ shape, but no sound passes through. Maya offers her a smirk before pulling the door open and stepping through the door leaving Claudine by herself.
She imagines the stretch of time laid in front of her like a road to redemption, that she may have another opportunity. She doesn’t have a lot of time, but she has more than she did before. And she wants to take her time navigating this world with Maya.
If only to get to know who Tendou Maya has become.
If only to connect with a woman who has captivated her attention for years even thousands of kilometers away.
If only to try and get a do over with a girl that she’d let slip between her grasp once before.
—
zero
six years ago
Maya is in the middle of a stretch when her sights land on a blonde girl entering the studio, water bottle held firmly in hand. She continues to watch the girl seemingly glide around the clusters of girls around them, head leveled, posture straight, an airiness in every step. The curls of the girl’s ponytail sways behind her, her pink leotard standing out against the sea of dark outfits around them.
Simply, Maya thinks this girl’s the most beautiful girl she’d ever seen in her life.
“All right, everyone gather around,” the director announces, bringing the attention of all the girls in the room to the middle of the studio. “Now that you’ve shown a bit of what you can do, we’re going to jump into partner work to see how you perform with another person. So find a partner and then take a packet from the table by the door and familiarize yourself with the first exercise. We’ll meet back in half an hour.”
She resumes to complete her stretching even as the other girls shuffle around her, the room filling with excited voices as they partner off. Maya scans the room as she stretches her torso over her right leg and finds that the group is thinning quickly. The corners of her lips tug down when she sees the girls around her who have made fast friends with one another in such a short amount of time. Maya reminds herself that she’s not here to make friends.
As the gaggle of girls start to thin and make their way towards the door, there are only a smattering of girls left. She takes a deep breath and straightens herself to her full height, eyes quickly scanning the room until it lands on a girl looking right back at her.
The same blonde girl who entered the studio minutes before. Maya quickly recalls the girl’s performance, admittedly one of the best of the morning. Her lines were strong and clear, her movement fluid and graceful, her technique classic textbook.
Maya doesn’t move a muscle, only watches when the other girl takes confident strides forward until she’s only a few steps away. She looks down when the girl extends a hand.
“Would you like to be partners?”
Maya’s eyes widened slightly, still surprised to have been approached even as she watched the girl walk to her. “You did the ballet number earlier.”
The girl smirks at the recognition. “I did.”
“Your lines were beautiful. I was enthralled by your performance.”
“Oh, thanks,” the girl says, the compliment seemingly surprising her. Then she makes a move to push her hand forward once again. “Saijou Claudine.”
Maya meets Claudine’s gaze and offers a small, polite smile. She then takes Claudine’s hand in her own and squeezes. “Tendou Maya.”
“So, partners?”
Maya nods. “Partners.”
*
The two weeks pass in a blur of them getting to know each other, of Maya enjoying performing and having a lot of fun with it. Maya’s attention is hooked on the words that Claudine says, the moves that Claudine performs, and the sounds of laughter that shake Claudine’s body. Maya tries not to think about it, attempts to shift her focus back on the camp, but to no avail.
Truthfully, Maya can’t help but think about her burgeoning crush with this girl. She’ll claim that it’s just professional admiration. But deep down she knows the truth.
Their days are filled with early morning practices and completing their exercises. They become a known duo amongst the girls in the camp — Maya and Claudine, Claudine and Maya. Claudine seamlessly picks up where she drops off, and vice versa, until they learn each other’s bodies as much as they can in their time together. Maya glides and soars with Claudine.
What Maya doesn’t reflect on, however, is how her body seems to catalog all the ways Claudine touches her. How each print of Claudine’s hand or fingers set her skin ablaze.
In the evenings, they share stories about their home countries as they try out the different cuisines New York City has to offer them. At night, she tucks herself in bed, vibrant magenta eyes as the last things she sees before falling into sleep.
They’re near inseparable in those two weeks, and Maya wonders how it will end. She doesn’t want it to end.
*
They bow deeply after their final performance as a duo to a standing ovation from the girls at camp. She looks at Claudine beside her, beautiful smile turned towards just her.
“We did it!” Claudine says to her before jumping in Maya’s already outstretched arms.
Despite the cacophony of sounds around them, when Claudine pulls away, all Maya hears is the thundering of her heart in her chest as she looks at Claudine in front of her and wanting nothing more than to kiss her.
*
“It’s pretty,” Maya comments, jutting her chin towards the golden chain link bracelet Claudine had been eyeing.
“You think so?”
Maya nods at her. “Yes.”
They’d stopped at a jewelry store, Claudine wanting something to commemorate this part of her professional journey into being a stage actress. Claudine extended an invitation to her when she’d appeared in front of Claudine’s doorway already halfway through a packet of pudding. Maya was swift to accept, wanting nothing more than to spend the day with the other girl.
Maya stands beside Claudine in front of the glass display case, watching as the employee retrieves the bracelet.
“It’s a simple band that can double as a charm bracelet,” the employee starts. “The chain itself is slim, but the links have enough space for certain charm hooks to go through. We have a selection of charms that are made for this design.” The employee retrieves a velvet-lined board from behind him to display the available charms: stars, hearts, musical notes, animal heads, zodiac signs, suns and moon faces. “You can find other charms of this size, of course, but they’re not as common. Some customers enjoy the search, so that’s something to consider.”
Once the employee has clasped it on for Claudine, she shakes her wrist so the bracelet settles.
“Well? How does it look on me?” Claudine asks, her eyes shimmering with excitement.
“It looks great on you.”
“Yeah? You mean it?”
“I do.”
“OK, then I think I’ll buy it.”
The employee beams, no doubt happy about the sale, fussing over Claudine’s wrist to unclasp it and head towards the other side of the room to prepare the sale. They lean on the glass display as they wait to be rung up, Claudine resting her head on her chin while Maya leans on a propped elbow.
Just then, Claudine’s phone rings and Maya finds her friend frowning at the caller ID.
“Are you not going to take that?” she asks.
“I don’t want to, but it’s my dad. I’ll be right back, I’m gonna take this. Can you just wait for my bracelet if I’m not back in time?”
“Of course.”
Maya watches Claudine’s retreating frame head towards the double doors. To occupy her time waiting, she takes another passing glance at the charms on display. Her focus immediately zeroes in on the golden heart charm with the inlay of ruby stone at the center. It would be a lovely gift, but she knows it sends a specific…message. One that Maya’s not sure she’s ready to share, especially after having only known Claudine two short weeks.
Still, she wants to get Claudine something.
“Would you like one of your own?” the employee asks, causing Maya to jump in surprise.
“No, I don’t want one. But I was thinking of purchasing one of the charms for my friend.”
“Excellent, which one would you like? Should I pack it with her bracelet?”
“No. I’d like for it to be a surprise.” With one final glance at the heart charm, she shifts her focus and points at the star charm with the citrine stone in the middle. The employee works quickly to package it and charge her card, signing the receipt just as the bell above the door chimes Claudine’s return. When she looks up, she furrows her brows out of concern, but Claudine just shakes her head. Instead, she watches Claudine plaster on a polite smile for the employee.
“Would you like to wear it out of the shop?” the employee asks Claudine as he showcases the open packaging of her bracelet, throwing a knowing wink at Maya. For her part, Maya stands still in her spot, even as her cheeks redden at the attention.
“Maya, do you mind?” Claudine asks, gesturing for Maya to put the bracelet on her.
Maya straightens up and takes the bracelet from the packaging and unclasps it, waits for Claudine to offer her wrist. Expertly, Maya closes the bracelet around her wrist and hooks it securely. When she looks up, she steels her heart at the sight of Claudine’s thankful gaze.
After thanking the employee, the pair of them walk out of the store. They’re a couple blocks out when Maya places a hand on Claudine’s forearm.
“Saijou-san, I seem to have left my purse at the jewelry store.” Before Claudine has time to respond, her phone rings, this time with a call from her mother. “You ought to get that, I’ll be right back.”
Maya rushes back to the jewelry store and is greeted by the same employee. “Are you here for your purse?”
“Yes, but also, I’d like to buy another charm.”
When she turns the corner, with her purse in hand and two small boxes buried at the bottom of her bag, she finds Claudine with her hands on her hips. “What took you so long?”
“I had to confirm the contents of the bag with the employee,” Maya says with an uncharacteristic shrug. Claudine eyes her for a second and for the briefest of seconds, Maya wonders if her secrets are written all over her face. But there’s no way Claudine would know, so Maya simply tilts her head in question at Claudine staring at her. “Saijou-san?”
“It’s nothing. Let’s go.”
“On the way back, do you mind if we stop by to get some bubble tea?”
Claudine stops mid-stride and turns to her. “We literally just ate an hour ago, and you’re hungry again?”
Maya chuckles softly. “It can’t be helped.”
“No, it definitely can. You can definitely help not eating every hour.”
The rest of their walk is spent bickering about her seemingly bottomless appetite, but Claudine eventually gives in and treats Maya to her bubble tea.
*
“Yes, Father, I understand. I will be ready to leave by then. Please send Mother my love. Goodbye.”
The line goes dead and she can’t help but stare at her phone until the screen turns off on its own. She takes a deep breath, her heart heavy at the impending reality of cutting her time with Claudine short. She doesn’t want to leave so soon, but knows that it’s already out of her hands.
After packing all of her belongings, Maya heads towards Claudine’s room where she stands in front of the door for a full minute before bringing her hand up to knock. In the end, she gathers enough strength to knock to reveal a confused Claudine opening the door. “Maya! What are you doing here?”
“I wanted to spend some time with you before I left.”
Claudine’s brows furrowed in confusion. “What are you talking about? Your flight’s not until later this evening.”
Maya throws her an apologetic smile. “Unfortunately, my plans have changed. My parents informed me earlier this morning that they scheduled a meeting with some business acquaintances and required that I be there. They have already changed my flight and I’ll need to leave in a few hours.”
She refuses to appear deflated, her heart sinking into her stomach, when she sees Claudine frown. “It can’t be helped, I guess,” Claudine offers, a small consolation that neither of them seem to buy.
They decide to walk to the nearby cafe they’ve frequented since their first day before heading to a free bench at the park.
“I was hoping to give this to you later, but since plans have changed, I thought I’d do it now.” Maya brushes the crumbs off her hands and retrieves a small box from her pocket. When Claudine inspects it, it’s with a surprised gasp when the box holds the marking of the jewelry store they visited yesterday.
“What’s this?” Claudine asks.
“Open it.”
Claudine draws the carton top off to find a star charm with a citrine stone. “Maya! You didn’t forget your purse, you left it there! You’d never forget something like that! God, I knew that was weird!”
Sheepish, Maya ducks her head down. “When the employee showed the available charms, I thought it would make for a nice gift to start out your stardom in France.”
“Just France, huh?” she teases with a raised brow. Maya’s about to respond, but Claudine stops her. “Maya, I’m kidding. But you know you didn’t have to do this.”
“Of course, I know that. It’s not very often that I get along with another stage girl so quickly. Or someone who seemed to be able to match me step for step. My performances in the last two weeks have been some of the most enjoyable I’ve experienced in a long time. And they’re all thanks to you, Saijou-san. So I wanted to express my appreciation.”
Claudine only lifts her wrist up and offers it to Maya who smiles and takes the star charm to hook into the bracelet. When Maya notices the frown on Claudine’s face, it’s with growing panic, wondering if she’d overstepped.
“I don’t have anything for you.”
But Maya waves her off. “I didn’t get it expecting anything in return.”
“Well, that just means that I’ll have to send you something when I go back.”
“Then I’ll look forward to it.”
“Thank you, Maya,” Claudine says after pulling Maya into a hug. “Really. This is such a thoughtful gift.”
Maya, stunned in her spot, stiffly moves her arms until she finally wraps them around Claudine.
Claudine clears her throat after they break apart, her hand automatically reaching for the first charm of her bracelet. “Say, Maya, you wanna grab some ice cream before we head back? My treat.”
At that, Maya’s smiles widen. “Can’t say no to that, now can I?”
They make their way down the sidewalk, the back of Claudine’s hand grazing hers, Maya feeling the cool metal of the bracelet against her skin. When they make it to the ice cream parlor, Maya successfully elicits laughter and incredulity out of Claudine when she proceeds to try almost every flavor they have on display before ordering three large scoops of ice cream.
As the morning sun shines down on them with ice cream cones in hand, she thinks about the other charm sitting in her pocket and the possibilities of what’s to come. Maya can’t help but think that despite the ticking countdown of their time together, she believes that one way or another, Saijou Claudine will be in her life for years to come.
—