Work Text:
Loving Kathryn isn't always easy but then, Chakotay likes complicated women and their life together is nothing if not complicated. When they met she was a paragon of Starfleet and he was the maquis traitor, but it's enough for her at least that he resigned his commission first. She tells him she thinks that he's a principled man and Chakotay is pretty sure Kathryn couldn't tolerate it if he'd betrayed his Starfleet oath even if she understands that his loyalty to his people and principles took away his choice. Like many people Kathryn doesn't much like the Federation treaty, even if she had sworn to uphold it and it makes it easier between them that she has no love for the Cardassians either.
Quietly, slowly, as they became close she confessed to him what they had done to her and it was the first time Chakotay held her close. It made him respect her more, both what she had endured and that she had been brave enough to tell him about it. In that unguarded moment she was not the flinty eyed Captain he saw on the bridge, but someone slight and soft and oh so very feminine. It was then that Chakotay knew that he was in love with her. Years later he would see the scar on her side, the one that regeneration could never quite heal and that she unconsciously held whenever she was stressed. These days she holds it more often than she did before but when they are alone he will gently kiss it, caressing it as lovingly as every other part of her because he knows their pasts are what make them who they are and because he loves her.
But loving her is complicated, and sometimes it isn't easy and in the times when it's the most difficult she feels so far away from him. Professional conflicts bleed into the private hours they share, because out here there is nowhere to run and nowhere to hide, no space they can take even in the great empty vastness of it all around them. But she said she admires that he is a principled man and his principles mean he won't agree with her just to make her happy. So when they fight the chasm between them can feel as wide as the distance that separates them from Earth. Kathryn never wavers in her belief that they will get home and Chakotay never wavers in his belief that she will come back to him. But in those times, without her there beside him to soothe his troubled soul his old demons will creep out to haunt him once again.
When he can't sleep Chakotay will retreat to the holodeck and fight and fight and fight until he sags exhausted against the ropes of the boxing ring, but even the hardest and fastest of blows can't soothe the rage that burns in his bones. The betrayal. The anger. The jealousy. Then one day Kathryn will smile at him, will put her arms around him and tell him how she hates it when they're apart. She will kiss him, gasp at his frantic touches as she leads him to the bedroom and when he's inside her she will tell him that she loves him. He will hide his face in her neck, her pale hands caressing him lovingly and he'll confess that he doesn't ever want to let her go.
It's complicated. Life on Voyager is complicated, and life as an ex-Maquis in love with a Starfleet captain is complicated. There was a time when it was really complicated, when Seska's machinations threatened to tear everything they so carefully built apart. And his spirit, Seska tore that up pretty thoroughly too. For the longest time he pushed everything she'd ever said and done to the farthest, deepest part of his heart and never dared to give it even the slightest thought. After all, she wanted nothing more than to wreck it all, to wreck him and Voyager and Janeway too. He thought for a long time that it was just because Seska could sense that he was falling in love with their new Captain, her petty jealousy just another reason to break their fragile alliance apart. But even if that was most certainly true, he realizes now that there were among her myriad lies some truths more bitter than just the cruel sting of her betrayal.
Chakotay had wanted so much to trust this Captain Janeway, wanted so much to believe that they could make it all work. And what choice did they have? Stuck alone so far from everything they knew. Falling back into his old Starfleet routine came easily, and looking into her blue eyes as she sat beside him on the bridge was easy too. She would smile that wide, brilliant smile and lean oh so close to whisper in his ear. It was easy to believe in her because he really wanted to. He held her hand and told her that he was in love with her, watched the tear track down her cheek and promised he would wait as long as it took for her.
He was beyond happy that she didn't make him wait forever, beyond lust and desire when she finally let him peel her clothes from her body and take her to bed. Naked against the starched white Starfleet bedsheets she seemed so slight, hair mussed wildly across the pillow and her eyes hooded but still so very blue. He made love to her tenderly, took his time with her because she was the captain and the woman he loved and you couldn't just rush something like that. And when he had her gasping, wet and clenching, he made love to her hard too and she seemed to like that just as much.
Afterwards he felt so smug, he would sit and sip his coffee and watch her lithe form move across the room and remember the sight of her spread open on the bed before him. He could still feel her narrow waist beneath his palms, see the taut flex of the muscles in her stomach and each shake of her breasts as he moved inside of her. That day she had confessed to him that she could still feel him, that she was aching between her legs where his cock had been and he'd gone to her quarters so wound up with wanting her he'd pushed her over the dining table and really fucked her. He wondered if he should have been more apologetic until she'd slithered around in his embrace and confessed how much she liked it.
For a long time he believed it was just because she loved him and she wanted him. She holds him so close, exactly like he needs her to and then lets him do all the things he wants because she says she wants them too. He's not so weak and afraid that he thinks there's something wrong with that, that there's something wrong with the fact she wants it.
It was a lunch time in the mess hall not long after they had agreed to join her crew and the room was swarming. Chakotay sat at a table with B'Elanna, with Dalby, and with Seska too as the room buzzed with chatter. Chakotay took a mouthful of soup and watched through the crowd as the Captain stood beside the replicator, coffee cup in hand. Her blue eyes were shining, her expression indulgent as Paris regaled her with a story that Chakotay could not hear. He thought nothing of it for the longest time, even if something low in his belly knew. When his dinner companions began to gossip his attitude to their chatter grew cold.
“Don't you ever ask yourself why?” Seska had crooned, her eyes narrowed as she glanced toward Janeway and Paris across the room. “Why she would go out of her way to get someone like him out of a Federation penal colony?” The soup in Chakotay's mouth tasted suddenly bitter.
“I admit it's a little odd,” Torres agreed at Seska's statement.
“I heard she served with his father,” Dalby supplied as eight eyes watched the pair from across the room.
“Her father was an admiral too,” Torres added. “You know these Starfleet people.” Seska snorted.
“Come on,” she scoffed, glancing at each of them with a look of disbelief on her face. “Isn't it obvious?” Chakotay observed as Torres and Dalby turned to Seska with rapt attention. “They're lovers.”
“That's enough!” Chakotay barked. Torres and Dalby at least had the decency to look abashed, but he would never forget the venom in Seska's stare.
In those days he wouldn't hear it, and Seska's betrayal made it easy to forget, easy to ignore and what's more he wanted to trust her; Kathryn. But deep down in his gut he always knew, even if his heart and his mind refused to believe it. As far as he could tell, Paris was just as enthralled with their Captain as the rest of the crew because she just had that effect on people. He was her first officer and so it was his job to question her, to argue but he always did it privately, behind closed doors because it was his job to uphold her authority as it was to serve the crew. But he never questioned her about Paris, or Tom, as she seemed so relaxed about calling him, as relaxed as she was when he'd find the pair of them lounging on the sofa in her ready room or sitting side by side in a shuttle craft or tucked away talking behind Tuvok's orchids in the back of cargo bay two. Everyone said he was chasing Kes or Susan Nicoletti and the Delaney sisters too. Paris had a reputation that Chakotay knew was at least half true, from the times they had gone drinking during Paris' shortlived career with the Maquis. So if the helmsman's eyes were stuck like glue to the Captain it was easy to reason why. And the Captain was as inscrutable as her Vulcan shadow and he could never know what she was really thinking but he was certain she would never give in to someone like that. She was tactile and nobody seemed to mind. He like everyone else found it comforting, the way she would rest her hand on your arm and lean close when she looked you in the eye. And of course there was the humiliation of their little scheme, but it certainly explained away all his suspicions and if he was hurt by the exclusion at least he could understand why.
He remembers all her coy diplomacy, how she talked longingly about this far off Mark and how he couldn't stand it. Or how she couldn't afford to love someone like the other members of her crew and how he couldn't stand that either but he'd wanted to believe her. He believed her, and in the end he thought that it was just her overwhelming love for him that had driven her into his waiting arms. But now he knows her and just how complicated she really is, and whenever he sees the two of them smiling those knowing, playful smiles at each other jealousy twists in his belly.
And now those lingering looks and tarrying touches seem different somehow. Now he really loves her and he knows her, and when he thinks about the two of them together his teeth grind and his fists clench. When Kathryn first took him to bed, she let him make gentle and tender love to her and it was wonderful but it occurs to him now that maybe she hadn't seemed so shy and hesitant as he'd imagined she might be. It's not wrong that she wants it, but she wants it more than he imagined she would and when they're apart he wonders if she wouldn't try to get it regardless of if he was the one to give it to her.
But god, when they're apart he misses her and if his jealousy is sour and bitter, this reunion is as sweet as the dessert they linger over at her table. Outside the viewport, the stars are sliding by in the soft blur of low warp and the room is dim. Usually they will play music but the room is quiet tonight, because they didn't really think to put anything on when they first arrived and they've had other things on their mind since. Kathryn is in her robe, because they made love before they started dinner and she is wearing a satisfied post-coital smirk on her face while he sits across from her and peels litchi. Litchi cost a lot of replicator rations but she loves them and in this kind of situation he will spend a whole months worth on one dish if it will make her happy. His fingers are glistening as he squeezes the pale fruits out of their rosey pink skins, and he'll feed her one and then eat one himself and then the cycle starts over again until the dish is empty.
“You're quiet,” she observes. Chakotay smiles and his brow twitches with amusement.
“Content,” he counters and she nods, regarding him with a thoughtful expression.
“I hate when we fight,” she admits, but then her lip twitches and the smirk comes back. “But I like it when we make up.” His grin grows to a broad smile and he pops a litchi into his mouth, juice running down his chin as she watches him with a lascivious expression. She smiles and takes a sip of wine, blue eyes peering at him over the rim of her glass. Silence settles over the table again and Kathryn dips her fingertip into the melted wax that pools around a solitary candle flickering in the dim room.
“Can I ask you something?” he says after a long minute. Kathryn leans back in her chair and looks him in the eye, peeling the cooling wax off her skin.
“Of course,” she chirps, running her fingers down the stem of her wine glass. The only sound is the vague hum of the engines and the quiet ticking of her old antique clock, a gift from her fiance she had told him once. Chakotay blinks.
“Were you lovers?” he says quietly, his voice low. She goes very still, her poker face as unflinching as her stare. “Don't say who,” he adds when she doesn't immediately reply. “Because you know who I mean.”
Kathryn drags a nail up the side of the glass, scraping her lower lip with her teeth for a moment even as she looks him right in the eye with her cool blue gaze. He can almost see the cogs in her brain turning over like the tick tock of the old clock across the room, and he holds her eye with an unflinching stare of his own. Eventually she lets out a sighing breath and looks away, stretching her spine for second before she rises to her feet and takes a few steps toward the couch. When she doesn't reply he drops the litchi he is holding onto the plate and wipes his fingers on a napkin.
“Well I guess I have my answer,” he says drably.
Kathryn looks out of the viewport for a minute before she turns to face him, lashes fluttering as she meets his eye.
“Are you angry?” she asks quietly. Chakotay runs his tongue over his teeth and takes a deep breath.
“Yes I'm angry,” he tells her. Kathryn has the decency to look at least a little abashed even if her posture is as otherwise proud and unyielding as ever, but then he has never expected Kathryn Janeway to shy away from anything. She's can be as stubborn and haughty as anyone he's ever known.
“Are you jealous?” she prods and he glares at her while puts his elbows on the table and finishes cleaning his hands.
“Of course I am,” he admits grudgingly. Kathryn doesn't smirk but he can see that she wants to. Chakotay snorts. “That makes you happy.”
“I wouldn't say that,” she tells him, sinking down onto the couch and pretending to be concerned with adjusting her robe over her knees.
“You're not saying much of anything,” he accuses, rising to his feet and walking around the table. Kathryn doesn't meet his eye as he approaches.
“It was a lapse in judgement,” she tells him. “And it's over now.” She looks him in the eye as she says the last part. He wants to believe it although there is a part of him that never will. “Chakotay,” she says, her eyes peering up at him with the same imploring stare she gives him right before she sucks his cock. He wonders if maybe he shouldn't make her suck his cock right now, or if she isn't thinking that it might be enough to distract him from asking more questions. Either way, the thought makes him twitch a little and he wonders if he dare not make her confess all her sordid secrets, if that wouldn't be a turn on in itself.
“Did you bring him here?” he asks. Kathryn's throat bobs and she hesitates. “Answer me!” Chakotay growls.
“Yes,” she replies and his nostrils flare. He steps closer, his fists clenching and unclenching and his breath coming in loud, angry rasps. Kathryn stares at his hands and her expression morphs from sheepish to cold before she looks him in the eye again. When she speaks, her tone is hard. “I'm going to take a shower,” she informs him, apparently less than amused by his chilly aggression. Chakotay says nothing but watches her go, his heart pounding in his chest as she disappears through the bathroom door.
He hears the sonic shower switch on, and he paces back and forth across the carpet for a few minutes before he prowls into the bathroom after her. Once inside he strips off his shorts and opens the shower door, and Kathryn startles at little as he steps into the cubicle with her. The shower hums around them, the warm pulses set on high as they start to vibrate up and down his back. Kathryn doesn't say anything as he moves close and pins her against the wall, but when he presses his erection against her belly she gasps a little.
“How many times?” he asks, pressing his palms flat against the tiles, encircling her. Kathryn gulps.
“I don't know,” she croaks. Chakotay swallows hard.
“So many you can't remember?” he says. Kathryn blinks.
“I didn't keep count,” she tells him, dropping her gaze to his throat. Chakotay presses closer still, his palms squeezing her biceps as he touches her nose with his.
“But you liked it enough that it was more than once,” he comments, peering into her eyes. Her lashes flutter and her tongue darts out to swipe across her lower lip.
“Yes,” she confesses. His cock twitches against her belly and he is certain that she felt it.
“You liked it,” he echoes, noting the rapid rise and fall of her chest. His eyes fix on her breasts and his hands slide inward to cup them, the hard points of her nipples pressing into his palms. “Did you do it in this shower?” he asks, squeezing gently.
“Yes,” she croaks. His nostrils flare.
“Where else?” he growls. She raises her chin and looks him in the eye.
“The bed,” she replies. He drags his fingers over her breasts and catches her nipples between his thumbs and forefingers.
“And?” he probes, tugging lightly.
“The floor,” she gasps.
“The living room floor?” he asks and she nods. “The couch?”
“Yuh huh,” she chokes. He brushes the tip of his nose along the side of hers and then out across her cheek. “The table.” His hands slide outward, pulling her close against his chest before they settle on the round swell of her ass.
“You did it everywhere,” he concludes, giving her ass a firm squeeze. “And you liked it.”
“Chakotay,” she murmurs but he kisses her then, lifting her up and pressing her against the wall. Kathryn puts her arms around him and hangs on tight, her legs wrapping around his waist as he presses his hips against her. When his cock slides between her thighs, she's wet and he can't help but thrust against her. His erection bumps her clit and she moans. Chakotay insinuates his tongue between her lips and her mouth tastes like litchi, her hands roaming up and down his back before her fingers find their way into his hair.
“Did you suck his cock?” he growls and she nods. “Say it!” he demands gruffly.
“Yes I sucked his cock,” she sputters and he groans, twisting his hips until the head of his cock finds her sex and he thrusts suddenly, hotly inside. Kathryn lets out a whimper, hiding her face in his neck as he starts to move and he gasps in pleasure at the sweet clench of her pussy. It's always good but right now his cock is so hard he thinks he might burst a blood vessel, and all he wants is to fuck her into oblivion.
“Did you let him come inside you?” he asks, rolling his hips and making her moan.
“Yes, I let him come inside me,” she confesses, her pussy clenching maddeningly around his aching cock.
“Bitch,” he chokes, clasping her jaw in one hand and forcing her to look him in the eye. “Did you let him come in your mouth?”
“Yes,” she whimpers before the sound turns into a loud cry as his hips jerk hard against her. “Oh god,” she moans, her fingernails digging hard enough into his skin to hurt.
“Of course you did,” he mocks, his lips against her ear. “Because you can't help yourself can you?”
“I....I....” she stammers, her breath coming in short, ragged gasps.
“You need it, don't you?” he growls. “And you want it.”
“Yes I want it,” Kathryn confesses with a moan, and he can tell that she's close.
“Is it me you love or just my cock?” he utters, pleasure flashing through his abdomen but Kathryn doesn't reply. Her head falls back and he sees her hand snake down between her legs and he knows what she's going to do. He pulls out of her, catching her in his arms as she slithers down the wall and then his hand is between her legs. Kathryn clings to him as he presses his thumb to her clit and rubs in rapid circles, gasping into his neck as she comes. He slides two fingers inside of her and the feeling of her pussy clenching hotly makes him melt a little. “Oh that's it, that's it,” he practically purrs. Kathryn slouches against him and he lets her go, gripping her forearms to ease her passage as she sinks to the floor.
She is panting hard when she looks up at him, face flushed and hair wild. The sonic shower pulses around them and his cock does likewise, jutting out from his body, angry and demanding. He clasps it in his fingers and squeezes, Kathryn's eyes settling to watch as he strokes himself up and down with one hand while the other cups the back of her head.
“Look at me,” he tells her and she complies, her mouth warm and yielding as he presses the head of his erection against her lips. It's not like they've never done this before, but there is something about the way her blue eyes stare up at him this time. Pleasure spikes through his core, pulling up from the tips of his toes and down from the top of his head and he comes hard. Her gentle hum of acquiescence makes him sigh with happiness, her eyes never wavering as a thick white ribbon of cum hits her tongue. She swallows it down and the dark shadow of his mood seems to dissipate a little. He's still angry with her and jealous as hell, but it feels more mournful now and he reaches down to stroke her cheek tenderly. Kathryn sways under his touch and closes her eyes, sagging back against the wall of the shower as they linger there unspeaking for a long minute. The silence stretches out until he can't stand it, and so Chakotay smacks his fist against the controls and the shower switches off.
“Come here,” he urges, reaching for her and Kathryn doesn't resist as he pulls her to her feet. Chakotay lifts her into his arms and elbows the shower door open, holding her tight as he steps out into the bathroom and carries her through the bedroom door. He sits on the edge of the bed and holds her tightly, kissing the side of her face and stroking his hands up and down her back. He is relieved when she wraps her arms around him and presses her lips to his ear.
“Are you still angry?” she whispers and he winces. He screws his eyes up tight and squeezes her close.
“No,” he tells her, gulping around the lump in his throat. She kisses him then, on his ear and on his cheek.
“Me either,” she tells him and a sigh of relief melts out of him. He pulls her down onto the bed with him, tucking her head under his chin and she hums against his chest.
“What is it?” he asks, his voice more timid now. Kathryn prods his chest with her fingertip.
“That's not how I expected this conversation to go,” she informs him, raising her chin so he can see the smirk on her face. Chakotay's lips turn up a little at the corner, the beginning of a smile playing on his mouth.
“You thought about this?” he queries. Kathryn takes a deep breath and rolls onto her back.
“Not exactly,” she tells him. “But I did wonder what you might do if you ever found out.”
“You weren't going to tell me?” he asks with a frown. Kathryn sighs again.
“And how was I going to bring it up? Darling I love you and by the way......” She trails off and doesn't finish her sentence and he's not sure if he wants her to keep quiet or if he's desperate to hear it. He strokes his hand down her arm and splays his fingers across her belly.
“I'm still jealous you know,” he says in a low tone. Kathryn turns her face away from him, her fingers looping his wrist as his hand slides down between her legs.
“Will you think I'm terrible if I say I think I quite I like it?” she asks meekly.
“I'm absolutely positive that you do,” he grumbles, pressing a kiss behind her ear as his fingers disappear between her thighs until he finds that little spot that makes her sigh. “And yes. You're terrible.”
“Don't be angry with me,” she urges and he smiles into her hair, his fingertip roaming around her clit with a featherlight touch.
“If you ever let him touch you again.....” he warns as her breath hitches and a wicked smile spreads across her face. She turns to look him in the eye.
“I promise to tell you all about it,” she mocks with a grin. Chakotay groans.
“You haven't finished telling me about the last time yet,” he reminds her as he presses a finger inside of her. Her smile morphs into an O of surprise.
“Chakotay,” she says, spreading her legs and stroking up his arm as he begins to touch her more earnestly.
“Come on now,” he urges. “Tell me.” Kathryn licks her lips.
“What do you want to know?” she gasps. Chakotay smiles wickedly.
“All of it,” he tells her, dragging his lips across her cheek and twisting his wrist. The sounds that drifts up from between her legs makes his cock twitch again and he moans, pressing himself lasciviously against her hip.
“Everything?” Kathryn queries with a wanton, breathless moan.
He isn't sure which one of them is more surprised by how this topic of conversation is panning out, but then, loving Kathryn Janeway is nothing if not complicated.
“Everything,” he says, pressing his lips to hers in a kiss.