Chapter Text
“And when we got back, there were squids in our shoes!”
Tsukishima rolls his eyes. This does not sound true, but it looks like Kuroo is getting the reaction he wanted. Ushijima scowls, Tendou laughs, and Koganegawa claps his hand over his mouth. Even the older JVA guys at the other end of the table glance over curiously. Work dinners are Tsukishima’s least favorite part of finally moving from Division Two to Division One. And tonight is even more awkward than usual. Tsukishima has somehow ended up sitting with an odd combination of people: Ushijima and Tendou, newly-dating and sickeningly romantic; Koganegawa, who keeps trying to ask him about Yachi and thinks he’s being subtle; and Kuroo, who is showing off.
“But we got them back by letting a bunch of cicadas loose in their dorm,” Kuroo continues with satisfaction.
Tsukishima looks over at him skeptically. “You did not.”
“How would you know?”
“Because if you had done that, you would have told me about it already.”
“Not necessarily! That was my first year of college. I was trying not to be a bad influence on sweet, innocent, high-school you.”
“You used to text me when you were drunk at parties.”
“Well, that was drunk-Kuroo. He had pretty bad boundaries.”
“You texted me during classes, too. Mine and yours. Do you know how many times I got my phone confiscated?”
“Sounds like you learned a valuable lesson about muting your phone during class. I’m glad to have helped.”
“I did mute it! But it kept vibrating because you kept texting me!”
Kuroo gives him an “are you stupid?” look, and then appeals to the rest of the table. “Did you or did you not turn off the vibrate function on your phones while you were at school?”
Koganegawa nods.
“Of course!” says Tendou, at the same time that Ushijima frowns.
“I didn’t carry my phone to class. It wasn’t permitted.” He looks at Tendou. “You kept your phone with you?”
Tendou rolls his eyes. “Of course! If it buzzed too much I just blamed it on Semi.”
“See?” says Kuroo smugly. “Not my fault you didn’t mute your phone properly.”
Except that it had been, kindof. Because Tsukishima had really, really liked getting texts from Kuroo. Enough that it had almost been worth getting in trouble, for the way his heart would pound.
Eventually, of course, it had all come to nothing. Kuroo got busy with school, and then Tsukishima started seeing someone, and then Kuroo started seeing someone, and then Tsukishima joined the Frogs and had no time for anything, even when they were both single. By now, things have settled into a comfortable friendship. And if Tsukishima occasionally wonders what might have been, well — Kuroo doesn’t need to know that. It would just inflate his ego.
Speaking of which. Tsukishima watches the rise and fall of Kuroo’s ego, as he and Tendou try to one-up each other’s stories. Kuroo claims to have gotten drunk and jumped into the Sumida river in January. Tendou asserts that he tried to swim the English Channel and had to be rescued by a classmate on a jet-ski. Kuroo describes stealing his sister’s motorcycle; Tendou describes riding a motorcycle in Greece, getting pulled over, and bribing a cop. Kuroo recounts the time that he and Bokuto put fifty (50) plastic flamingos in Akaashi’s front yard. This one is true; Tsukishima has heard it before. It was early in Bokuto and Akaashi’s courtship. The high school version of hair-pulling.
“What did he do?” Koganegawa wants to know. He’s staring at Kuroo admiringly.
“He stood there blinking for about a minute, and then he started looking around like he already knew we were hiding behind the neighbor’s car. And then Bokuto burst out laughing and gave us away. And then Akaashi said ‘Bokuto-san, I guessed you might be around here somewhere.’” Kuroo’s impression of Akaashi is pretty accurate.
Tendou laughs. “Sounds like me trying to impress Wakatoshi. I left him a lot of chocolates before I finally understood that he genuinely didn’t like them. ‘This has no nutritional value.’ I was deeply offended.”
Ushijima looks at him in distress. “I was inconsiderate. I’m sorry.”
Tendou smiles, a surprisingly soft expression. “I’m not offended now. I know you love me.”
“I do.”
Koganegawa has a dreamlike expression on his face. “Do you think Yachi likes flamingos?”
“No!” says Tsukishima, but at the same time Kuroo says “Absolutely!”
“Don’t listen to him,” Tsukishima says to Koganegawa. Then he glares at Kuroo. “Don’t encourage this behavior,” he hisses. “He’ll do it.”
“He should!” Kuroo stage-whispers back.
“He should not. Ugh. How did we get stuck at this table full of lovebirds?”
“You sat down first! Why’d you sit here?”
“I was hiding from Hinata!”
Kuroo cackles at him.
“You two wanna share with the class?” Everything Tendou says sounds half-sarcastic. Tsukishima kindof admires it.
“Never!” Kuroo grins. “Which reminds me, of this time I was in chemistry lab, and one of the girls….”
The stories continue, a mix of lies and truth. Kuroo and Tendou are both good talkers, and they fill the conversation easily. Tsukishima thinks that maybe the evening won’t be as bad as he’d been dreading.
“...and when I woke up, the entire thing had melted, so there was chocolate all over my head and an imprint of my face in the chocolate. Wasn’t long after that that I decided to cut my hair.”
“Quitter,” says Kuroo.
Tsukishima interjects. “Oh, like your hair’s so fabulous.”
“Well, it looks like this no matter what I do, so I might as well lean into it.”
“Maybe it would change if you, I don’t know, ever did anything different with it.”
“I’ve tried! I cut it all off, second year of high school.”
Tsukishima blinks in genuine shock. “You did?” It’s hard to imagine Kuroo with different hair.
“Bokuto dared me to, and I did it. Looked even worse, until it grew out.” Kuroo laughs at Tsukishima’s stunned expression. Then he says, a little too low, too soft, too intimate, “See? You don’t know all my secrets.”
For a second, Tsukishima is back in high school — heart pounding, flush rising to his cheeks. He tries to cover it up with a scathing expression. “Yes, all your significant hair secrets. Amazing. Can’t believe I didn’t know.”
Kuroo makes an outraged face. “I have other secrets too!”
“Oh, yeah right. You tell everyone everything.”
“Do not.”
“Do too.”
Kuroo sticks out his tongue at him. Tsukishima turns pointedly away from Kuroo, saying to Koganegawa, “Don’t believe any of this guy’s stories. He’s in marketing. Everything he says is designed to cultivate his image.”
“Really?” Koganegawa sounds a little lost. He looks from Tsukishima to Kuroo, and then helplessly at Ushijima.
“It’s true that he’s in marketing,” says Ushijima. “I don’t know about the rest.” Tendou cackles.
“Don’t listen to him,” says Kuroo. “I’m a good guy to know. Marketing’s important!”
“Says the guy with that hairstyle,” Tsukishima can’t resist adding.
Tendou breaks in, unable to stand not being the center of attention any longer. “You should have seen old Washijou talk about my hair, one time he said….”
And so it goes.
But it gets worse, of course it gets worse. With dinner over, Tendou and Kuroo get a little more beer in them. The outrageous anecdotes get steadily more risque, and poor Koganegawa starts blushing, as the stories move from “I had to run across campus in my underwear” to “and then he pulled out the biggest dildo I’ve ever seen in my life.” Some of Kuroo’s stories, Tsukishima has heard before; some are obviously fake; one or two might have been real.
“...I could hardly walk the next day,” Tendou finishes with a flourish, “and not for the good reason, either!”
“Uh-huh,” Kuroo smirks. “I bet it was the best sex you’ve ever had.”
“Untrue,” Ushijima interrupts. “Our sex life is very gratifying.”
Koganegawa’s eyes widen as Tendou, just out of Ushijima’s line of sight, points his thumb at Ushijima and then indicates a span of nearly a foot with his hands, mouthing silently, “Big dick. Huge. Giant.”
Tsukishima bites back a laugh. Then he turns to Kuroo with the calm air of a debate moderator. “Kuroo? Your rebuttal?”
“Only that I’ve always found contests of skill to be more interesting than contests of brute strength. Merely an observation.”
Ushijima frowns. “You are implying that Satori lacks skill? Because I can assure you —”
“Please don’t,” Tsukishima interrupts.
“Aww, Tsukki, come on!” Kuroo whines. “We were about to get details!”
“Have some sympathy, Kuroo-san,” says Tendou condescendingly. “We don’t want to upset the babies.” He waves first at Tsukishima, then at Koganegawa. “I think these two might be virgins.”
Koganegawa’s “Hey!” is lost underneath Tsukishima’s cool reply.
“Still underestimating me, I see.”
“Am I?” Tendou replies challengingly.
Tsukishima nods. “As always, you underestimate both what I can do, and what I can take.” He raises his eyebrows suggestively on the last word.
“Oh-ho!” Tendou folds his hands under his chin. “Really? We haven’t heard any of your stories yet. Please, elaborate.”
“You wish.” Tsukishima’s eyes flit, inexplicably, to Kuroo, whose lips are pinched with barely-contained laughter.
“Ah, as I suspected. Glasses-kun really needs to get laid. I could help! Let’s see. Surely there’s someone here who would volunteer to give you a good dicking.” His eyes land speculatively on Koganegawa.
Tsukishima desperately tries to think of a way to head off this potentially-very-embarrassing line of thinking. But before he can come up with something, there’s an arm around his neck — Kuroo’s arm.
“Babe,” says Kuroo, close to his ear, but loudly enough for everyone to hear. “How much longer are we going to put up with this?”
With only a split-second to choose between going along with Kuroo, and taking grief from Tendou, Tsukishima chooses Kuroo. The devil you know, and all that.
He smiles in what he hopes is an intimate way and says, “Well, I don’t know anyone who’s ever been able to make him stop talking. Only person on the planet who talks more than you.”
“You love it,” Kuroo grins, and touches him on the nose with his finger. Ugh. Is that how Kuroo imagines their relationship would be — all cutesy like that?
Tendou opens his mouth in amazed delight, as though this were a surprising twist in his favorite drama. Ushijima frowns as though something doesn’t compute. Koganegawa looks stunned and a little hurt, as he asks, “You guys are dating?”
“None of your business,” says Kuroo, aloof. Then he gives Koganegawa a ridiculous, exaggerated thumbs-up.
Tsukishima, to his chagrin, blushes. And something else happens, a little curl of heat in his stomach. It feels a little like a “what if.”
“Excuse me,” he says playfully to Kuroo. “What happened to discretion at work events?” Kuroo’s face is very close.
“Sorry.” Kuroo bites his lip suggestively. “I’ll try.” His eyes dance. “I just didn’t want everyone to think you weren’t getting a good dicking. I think I’m very good.”
Tsukishima wonders what would have been worse: this, or continuing the previous conversation. Oh well. He’s in it now. “Oh, shut up.” He tries to say it in a boyfriend-ly way.
“Do NOT shut up,” says Tendou from across the table. “We want all the details.”
“You’re not getting details.” Tsukishima puts as much steel in his voice as he can.
“Well, then, neither are you.”
“Fine by me.”
“Fine.”
“Fine!” Kuroo interjects. “Our details would have put yours to shame, anyway.”
Tsukishima scowls at Kuroo. “Not everything has to be a competition, you know.”
“But we’d win,” Kuroo whines. “There’s just no way their sex is kinkier than ours.”
“You and Mr. Vanilla here? I find that extremely unlikely.”
Tsukishima scowls at Tendou, this time. He’s about to make a retort when Ushijima interrupts.
“I am not certain how one would measure such a thing, but I am confident that Satori and I would be quite competitive on that front. My stamina is excellent, while Satori’s flexibility and inventiveness have resulted in some truly surprising developments.”
Tendou does a small theatrical bow. “I aim to please.”
“Jesus Christ,” Kuroo mutters into Tsukishima’s ear. “Does nothing embarrass this guy?”
“Nothing,” Tsukishima whispers back. “Did you not play him in high school? He was absolutely batshit. I know you’re used to being the biggest drama queen in the room, but this isn’t a fight you can win.”
“Ouch! Tsukki, that hurts.”
“Which, that you’re a drama queen, or that you aren’t the biggest drama queen in the room.”
“Uh…both?”
“Child.”
“Bite me.” The way Kuroo says it, it doesn’t really sound like an insult. Then Kuroo turns back towards Tendou, smiling sweetly. “True — I imagine that Tendou must have learned some new things in France. Perhaps we should invite him to join us sometime.”
“Hm!” Tsukishima puts on a thoughtful expression. “I’m open to that. He was always quite…nimble.”
“Mmmm,” hums Kuroo approvingly. “Might be nice to get a new toy.”
“I beg your pardon?” Ushijima’s scowl is all they could have hoped for.
“This doesn’t concern you,” says Kuroo dismissively to Ushijima. “Unless you’re interested in joining? I’m sure we’ll appreciate your excellent stamina.”
“I’m sure you will not.”
“Dear,” Tendou interjects. “They’re baiting you.”
“Are we?” Kuroo shrugs. “You can think that if you want.” He turns back to Tsukishima with a smile. “Are you in the mood for company tonight, babe? I’m sure we can find somebody better-looking than these two.”
Tsukishima makes a show of looking speculatively around the room. From the corner of his eye, he catches a glimpse of Koganegawa, mouth hanging open in shock. He has to choke back a laugh.
“Nah,” he says finally. “I’m sure we can keep each other entertained.” He sees an opening, and seizes it. “In fact, perhaps we could get out of here?” He does his best to sound appropriately suggestive.
Kuroo’s lips twitch; he sees straight through Tsukishima. But he plays along. “Of course.” They stand up, and Kuroo puts a possessive hand on Tsukishima’s back. Tsukishima tries not to think that it feels nice there. “You’re sure you won’t come along?,” he asks Tendou. “You don’t have to bring him.” He indicates Ushijima with a dismissive jerk of his head. Ushijima folds his arms across his chest. “Fine, fine.” He turns to Koganegawa. “You?”
Koganegawa starts, and shakes his head vigorously.
“No? Alright. See you later.”
They exit the restaurant. Through the window, Tsukishima can see that Koganegawa still hasn’t closed his mouth.
Tsukishima waits until they’re a safe distance away before he lets himself start laughing.
“Kuroo, what the fuck?!”
“That was fantastic,” Kuroo snickers. “Oh my god, Ushijima’s face!”
“And his arms!” Tsukishima folds his arms and tries to imitate Ushijima’s scowl, but it just makes him laugh harder.
“Did you see poor Koganegawa?” Kuroo opens his eyes and mouth in a mask of shock.
Tsukishima can barely speak, he’s laughing so hard. He nods, and then manages, “I think — you’ve — scarred him for life.”
“I had to!” Through his own guffaws, Kuroo is unrepentant. “They — they were — winning!”
“So? Your brain jumped straight to ‘let’s have a foursome with Ushi-fucking-waka?’ And his—” Tsukishima can barely say it — “his giant dick!” He makes the span with his hands, mimicking Tendou. “Huge! Oh god.” Something occurs to him. “What would you have done if they said yes?!”
“I have no idea!” Kuroo leans against a wall and abandons himself to his laughter, eyes closed and shoulders shaking.
It’s several minutes before they can resume their walk to the train station, and even then they’re still giggling.
“Oh man.” Even through his laughter, reality is starting to sink in for Tsukishima. “Ushiwaka thinks I’m a pervert.”
“Yeah, well. Welcome to my world.” Kuroo slings an arm around Tsukishima’s shoulders. “At least you’re not ‘Mr. Vanilla’ anymore.”
“You’d better keep that nickname to yourself.”
“Or what?”
“Or I’ll tell everyone how much you lied to impress Tendou. There’s no way all those stories were true.”
“Hey! They were all true.” Kuroo glances at Tsukishima’s raised eyebrows. “But, well….some of them may have happened to Yaku, not me.”
Tsukishima laughs all the way to the station.
***
He spends 20 minutes at practice the next day trying to convince Koganegawa that it had all been a joke. “We’re old friends from high school,” he explains for what feels like the hundredth time. “We were just playing around.”
“But you left together!” Koganegawa protests.
“We left the restaurant. I wanted to go home early. He didn’t accompany me.”
“I gotta say,” calls their captain from ten feet away, “that part of the story checks out for me. Tsukishima loves going home early.”
“He doesn’t look like he got laid,” Kyotani adds. “Wouldn’t you think he’d be more relaxed?”
“Well, what does that say about you, then?” Tsukishima shoots back.
Kyotani scoffs. “See what I mean? Give it a rest, Koganegawa.” But he gives Tsukishima a skeptical glance
“Aw, man. Really? There’s nothing going on?” Koganegawa looks at Tsukishima pleadingly.
“Sorry. No intrigue here.”
“Aw, maaan.”
Koganegawa retreats in defeat; Tsukishima rolls his eyes. And that should have been the end of it. But it wasn’t.