Chapter Text
“Posh girls love a bit of rough,” Eggsy says with a smirk.
***
“Posh blokes love a bit of rough,” Roxy says to Merlin, “That’s why I think Eggsy should take this mission.”
The man in question is off getting fitted for another suit under the careful eye of Harry after the fiasco with the suit in canary yellow with terribly blue Oxfords. Roxy isn’t sorry at all to subject Eggsy to what will no doubt be hours of Harry explaining the differences between patterns and colors and waxing poetical about what is proper for which event. She doesn’t feel a single whit of remorse, especially not after Eggsy subjected her retinas to that radiation colored suit.
“And that’s why you think we should send Eggsy on this mission,” Merlin peers at her over his glasses, “He doesn’t even have the training for this.”
“He doesn’t have to sleep with him,” Roxy shrugs, “He can do what I do. Make a show of it, shoot him with a dart, and then go off.”
“Roxy, this is a little bit different from you running some scratches down a man’s back,” Merlin says, “I don’t think Eggsy has the tact for that.”
Roxy shrugs again, “Then he can sleep with the posh bloke. Besides, the posh bloke will be too busy staring at Eggsy’s mouth. It’s too pink.
Merlin’s eyebrows move towards his hairline in surprise and he stops tapping away at his clipboard long enough to regard Roxy with an interested nod.
“You remember Charlie?” Roxy asks, “Charlie spent far too much time talking about Eggsy’s mouth when he thought Eggsy wasn’t listening. Something about it being ‘too damn pink’ and ‘fucking Christ he needs to shut his mouth before someone shoves something in it’.”
“Charlie,” Merlin says incredulously, “Chester King’s candidate for Lancelot, Charlie.”
Roxy nods.
“The one and the same, Merlin.”
“Fine, fine, I’ll send Galahad on the mission to seduce the posh bloke,” Merlin swipes away at his clipboard.
“So that means you’ll be seducing his sister instead of Eggsy.”
Merlin pulls up the profile of her target, Lady Ann-Marie Smitherson, and Roxy carefully memorizes her features. There’s nothing in the profile that her dossier doesn’t have, but Roxy finds it’s always good practice to read over old information to make sure everything she remembers is correct.
“She looks lovely enough, I’m sure we’ll get on brilliantly,” Roxy says.
“And,” Merlin looks pained as the next words leave his mouth, “This may actually be the occasion for Eggsy to wear that god awful yellow suit.”
Roxy groans and prays that maybe she can get to it and burn it before Eggsy comes in for his briefing.
***
She fails to get to it, fails by more than an hour in fact because when she sneaks into his room to steal it, he’s already affixing the cuff links to his sleeves. And her punishment is to watch Eggsy saunter around in it like a giant neon yellow highlighter. Aside from the fact that the suit is bespoke and clings to him perfectly, Roxy feels like her retinas are slowly burning out from looking at him. She touches a finger to her glasses (new ones, frameless and nearly invisible, to suit her face) to adjust them and Merlin comes crackling through the earpiece.
“Dear god, I am so sorry I ever suggested he wear that damn thing,” Merlin groans.
“I think he looks rather lovely in it,” Harry’s voice comes through straight after.
“He looks like a Big Bird dildo,” Roxy hisses through a smile.
Merlin howls with laughter through the comm and Harry chokes on his reply. Her own target hasn’t appeared yet, but she can see Eggsy’s (Sir Matthieu Smitherson) eyeing up Eggsy, specifically his arse, with a mixture of disgust and lust from across the room.
“Eggsy, Matthieu’s at your six,” Roxy mutters and then accepts a glass of champagne from a nearby waiter.
She’s dressed in something much more suited to the venue, a black jumpsuit with a plunging neckline and backline that hugs her tightly and contains all the regular trappings of a normal bespoke suit. David was less than pleased when informed that he had less than forty eight hours to try and fit all the tech into something with half the fabric.
Roxy continues to case the room but she keeps darting glances at Eggsy, who’s playing up his normal chav accent and keeps finding excuses to lounge against the little cocktail tables in a way that make his trousers pull sinfully tight across his arse. On her next glance to Matthieu, Roxy sees the way his eyes zero in on Eggsy’s arse as the fabric pulls tight and he makes his excuses to those he’s standing with.
She’s just distracted enough watching Matthieu stalk towards Eggsy that she nearly jumps when Eggsy’s voice pops up in her comm.
“Your bird’s coming down the stairs now, she is,” Eggsy manages to get the whole sentence out before Matthieu trips and sends the whole of his drink splashing all over Eggsy’s back.
The whole room stops to watch the spread of dark purple over electric yellow and Eggsy straightens slowly.
“Terribly sorry,” Matthieu says. His accent is as posh as the rest of him. Eggsy gives him a slow once over and blushes, his cheeks pinking attractively.
“Nah, bruv,” Eggsy says, “’s fine. I can always get anovver one done up, yeah?”
He cracks a smile that is at once shy and coy. Roxy can practically see Matthieu fall for the smile like a ton of bricks before her own target passes in front of her. She affects a startled gasp and places a hand on Ann-Marie’s arm.
“Ann? Is that you? I almost didn’t recognize you,” Roxy praises, “You look absolutely gorgeous.”
Ann-Marie preens and hooks her arm in Roxy’s, “I’m afraid to say I don’t remember you, though I can’t imagine how I could ever possibly forget someone as dashing and beautiful.”
And then they’re off and that’s really the last of Eggsy that Roxy sees that night.
***
It is most definitely not the last time Roxy sees Eggsy on that mission.
The next time she sees him is two days later, after the two of them have been invited to stay at the Smitherson estate until Matthieu and Ann’s older sister, Lily, gets married on Saturday. She places a good morning kiss on Ann’s brow and mutters something about needing coffee before the birds start chirping or so help her god. That gets an amused snort out of Ann and Roxy slips her glasses on before she pads down to the kitchen, where she opens the door and then immediately tries to close it, nearly hitting herself in the face in the process.
Eggsy is bent over the breakfast bar, his glasses askew, hair tousled, and with his mouth open, moaning like a slag as Matthieu Smitherson bites at his shoulder and drives into him with a sharp snap of his hips.
“Fuck yeah, right there, bruv,” Eggsy licks his lips (which are so very pink and swollen and Roxy resolves to box that up to never think about again) and reaches back to tilt Matthieu’s face down for a kiss.
His back bows as he tosses his head back, crying out in pleasure. Matthieu buries his face into Eggsy’s neck and strokes a hand down the taut plane of Eggsy’s belly while he groans and drags a hand through Mattheiu’s hair.
“Roxy, close your mouth,” Merlin says.
Roxy snaps her jaw shut and tries again to back out of the kitchen before the boys see her, but this time she knocks something over and sends a whole rack of pots clanging to the floor.
“I see you have all of your usual grace,” Merlin’s voice is drier than the desert and Roxy suppresses her urge to tell him to shut up in favor of smiling embarrassedly at the boys.
“Morning, Gary, Matthieu,” She nods at both of them.
And then, just to be cheeky, she says, “Looks like you’ve got your morning exercise done with.”
Eggsy blushes up a storm and then says, “We ain’t finished yet. So if it won’t put ye out too much, be a love and close thuh door behind ye.”
He winks and then wriggles backwards, which gets a strangled sound out of Matthieu. Roxy abandons all sense of decorum to sprint to the fridge and makes up the fastest plate of bread, cheese, cold cuts and fruit that she can before fleeing the kitchen. She does make sure to close the door on her way out and warns Linda, the cook, that Eggsy and Matthieu are engaging in some unsanitary recreational activities in her kitchen.
It’s clear that breakfast for the rest of the house is going to be delayed. But it’s alright; she and Ann can always have breakfast in bed.
***
Blessedly enough, she doesn’t see Eggsy again for a whole twenty four hours. She uses it to accompany Ann shopping and then horse riding. When Ann gets called away for some wedding preparations, Roxy smiles sweetly and waves her off. Once she’s absolutely sure that Ann is gone, Roxy lays into carefully ransacking her room.
“Eggsy,” She hisses into her comm after she’s overturned the entire area.
“Galahad is a bit…preoccupied,” Merlin says.
“What do you mean? There’s no one else here,” Roxy asks as she sweeps over to a music box that she somehow missed her first time around the room.
Her response is a click and then Eggsy’s swearing and moaning fills the line. She’s just about to open her mouth to ask Merlin to shut the fucking line when the man does and comes back on.
“Does that answer your question?”
“How much sex can they have?” Roxy snaps as she paws through the music box. It’s a ridiculously large affair, carved from oak and ancient. One of the legs wobbles a little when Roxy pushes at it too hard and she moves forward more carefully.
“Actually,” Merlin sounds rather amused, “As of now, they’ve had thirteen different rounds since the first night. Percival has a bet on that doubling before the wedding. Bors is betting on thirty nine. Elyan and Kay are going for twenty. Want to place a bet?”
“There will be no bets about how much sex agents have,” Harry’s voice comes snaking through the comm, sounding very angry.
“Put me down with Percy,” Roxy says, “Thirty quid.”
“Lancelot!”
“Oh, come on, Harry,” Merlin says, “It’s just a bit of harmless fun.”
Harry subsides into unamused grumbles and Roxy flops onto Ann’s giant bed.
“Nothing?”
“Nothing,” Roxy affirms.
“The brother must have it then,” Merlin says and Roxy can hear the faint tapping of his fingers against the tabletop.
Roxy rolls her eyes, “Good luck getting Eggsy away from his cock long enough to find it.”
“Language, Lancelot,” Merlin admonishes, but it’s fond and Roxy finds herself smiling in response.
***
“Jesus fucking Christ,” Roxy slaps a hand over her eyes, “I sit on that couch.”
“As do I,” Ann says from behind her. She sounds more amused than anything.
“And it’s not too bad,” Ann mentions, “At least they’re both pretty.”
“That’s your brother,” Roxy says.
“Specifically, that is my brother’s arse,” Ann observes, “And quite a bit of it seems to be shielded from view by Gary’s feet.”
The sound of something shattering, followed by Merlin swearing, and then Harry apologizing for spilling hot tea all over Merlin filters through her comm.
“He does have nice feet,” Ann comments approvingly.
“You’s fucking right I got nice feet,” Eggsy pants, “Got a lot of ovver nice parts too, now don’ I?”
Eggsy flips them off with a wicked grin that dissolves into a moan as Matthieu changes his angle and Roxy decides that’s definitely more than she ever wants to see or hear ever again. She grabs Ann’s hand and absolutely does not run from the room.
***
“Oh good, you’re clothed this time,” Roxy says.
“Oi, I ain’t naked all the time,” Eggsy bumps his shoulder against hers as he comes up to where she’s leaning against the stair rail.
“No, only when you’re getting fucked on absolutely every single surface in this house,” Roxy quips, “Do you know how unsanitary it is to fuck in a kitchen?”
“I’ve been assured,” Here Eggsy affects a posh accent, “That everything in the house has been sterilized to within an inch of its life.”
He grins goofily and then jumps up to settle himself onto the stair rail.
“Eggsy, get down. We’re going to walk like civilized people,” She hisses.
“Awwww, Rox. C’mon, ‘ave some fun,” He winks and then he’s off, laughing softly as he slides down the coiling bannister.
“You might as well,” Merlin says, “There’s really no harm in it.”
Roxy sighs and seats herself on the golden rail. When she reaches the bottom, Eggsy cajoles her into admitting that perhaps sliding down a bannister isn’t the end of the world.
“Anyways, I know you lot’re gonna be askin’ me ‘bout the drive,” Eggsy says, “I checked his room already. Ain’t there.”
“Eggsy.”
“Yeah, yeah, bruv, I know, wedding’s in a day so get a shove on.”
Merlin is silent for a long moment and both Roxy and Eggsy know it’s because he’s trying to talk himself out of telling Eggsy not to call him bruv. He wins eventually because his voice comes over the line again, dry and unimpressed, to tell them to fucking get on with it.
***
“If you fuck him at this wedding, so help me Eggsy, I will convince Merlin you need to do all your paperwork by hand,” Roxy hisses while they’re getting dressed.
Eggsy’s wearing a rather nice suit this time, metallic navy that shimmers ever so slightly when the light hits it right. The godawful yellow one seems to have disappeared and Eggsy is still mourning its loss.
“I’m not going to fuck him at the wedding,” Eggsy says, “Not that much of a crass arse.”
“Good,” Roxy begins.
“Gonna fuck him after it though,” Eggsy grins and Roxy groans.
“Fine, you go play with Matthieu and I’ll get the information,” She resolutely keeps all the other less than savory things she wants to say locked up in her throat.
“Nah, Rox, I’ll get it,” Eggsy adjusts his tie with laser focus, “Matt keeps the thumb drive on ‘im mostly. Unless he ain’t wearin’ clothes. And he weren’t really wearin’ clothes when I was around before, y’know?”
“I wish I didn’t,” Roxy snaps back.
“Galahad, retrieve the damn drive.”
Merlin doesn’t sound any more impatient or frustrated than usual, but Harry certain sounds a bit tight when he starts speaking.
“I’m afraid your post wedding plans will have to be cancelled, Egg—Galahad, the extraction team will be on site within five minutes of the finishing of the vows.”
There’s some static that sounds like scuffling before Merlin comes back on.
“Lancelot, make sure none of the guests get hurt. Some intel, which I very much hope is wrong, is insinuating that there’s going to be a raid for that drive.”
“Yes, Merlin.” She nods in the mirror and then smacks Eggsy’s arm.
“Come on, you bloody peacock. Stop preening in the mirror.”
“I look fucking gorgeous, now don’t I. I’m gonna preen while I can, yeah? This suit is fucking sick,” Eggsy twists around to look at the back of it in the mirror, “Gonna take it home with me.”
“Galahad, the suit is all yours if you do a little spin,” Merlin says.
Roxy watches Eggsy spin in the shifting suit and says, “It looks tighter than usual.”
Harry stutters, the sound quickly overridden by Merlin cackling.
“Of course it is,” He says when he’s stopped laughing, “Eggsy’s supposed to be an improper sort of lad. And an improper sort of lad would be wearing a suit that’s a touch too tight.”
“My arse look aces in this,” Eggsy crows.
“Yes, yes,” Harry comes back online, sounding rather like he’s been run through a blender, “Now do get a move on. The ceremony’s supposed to start soon.”
“Cheers then,” Eggsy mock salutes and saunters out of the room. Roxy follows him out, stopping once to check that her holster is still in place.
Matthieu slides a possessive hand around Eggsy’s waist and it drifts lower almost immediately to brush the curve of his arse. Roxy rolls her eyes at the sight and shuffles past them to find Ann, who’s looking resplendent in a sunny pastel yellow (take note Eggsy, this is an appropriate yellow, not that godawful highlighter color). Ann beams when she sees her and Roxy offers her arm, grinning when Ann bats her lashes and pretends to swoon.
“Why, I never had a gentlelady so fine,” She affects an American southern drawl and Roxy giggles.
“And I have never had a companion so divine,” Roxy returns and they saunter out together, leaving Eggsy to fend off Matthieu’s wandering hands by himself.
Ann and Matthieu are part of the wedding party and depart from them soon after they show Roxy and Eggsy to their seats. Roxy settles in and crosses her legs at the ankles, feeling the reassuring weight of her knives brush together. Eggsy spends a few minutes being enthusiastically kitten-kissed by Matthieu, to which he blushes and pretends to be shy. But finally, Eggsy runs an unsure hand over Matthieu’s flank to hook it into his pocket and mumbles something about not being so great with public displays.
That garners a laugh from Matthieu and he places one last kiss on Eggsy’s nose before turning to join the line of groomsmen waiting at the altar. Eggsy plops himself down into the seat next to Roxy and shuffles himself until their shoulders are touching.
“What kind of bloke brings a fucking drive to a wedding?” Eggsy mutters.
“I’ve never been so grateful for your pickpocketing skills,” Roxy replies, and it’s really only half sarcasm. Eggsy flips her off and then flashes the drive for the benefit of her and whoever’s monitoring them before tucking it into his shoe.
The wedding itself is a rather normal affair. The orchestra plays the traditional song and quite a few people start crying and whispering about how beautiful the bride is. Roxy, for one, isn’t the biggest fan of weddings, if only because they tend to be very cut and dry this high in society. Eggsy, on the other hand, is absolutely spellbound by the proceedings.
“It’s just a wedding,” She whispers to him.
“Well, I ain’t never been to one, now ‘ave I, bruv?” Eggsy whispers back and watches the little girl throwing flowers stop in confusion at the altar, several steps ahead of the bride. The girl looks into her basket and then makes the monumental decision to upend the rest of the flower petals onto the ground in front of her. She looks incredibly proud of herself as one of the bridesmaids leads her off to the side.
“Just like my little flower,” Eggsy says proudly.
Roxy rolls her eyes but doesn’t say anything else. Merlin hasn’t said anything and she hasn’t seen anything, but his earlier warning about a raid is still in the forefront of her mind. It’s not until the groom is halfway through his vows that anything happens.
A gunshot rings out and a vase explodes near the altar. The wedding party’s reaction is very predictable and Roxy barely spares it a thought before she’s charging down the aisle, shouting orders that are unthinkingly obeyed. She can’t see Eggsy, but Merlin, who’s finally back in their ear, assures her that he’s taken off after the would-be assassin. Roxy reaches the altar and pulls Matthieu down.
“Stay here and don’t move,” She orders.
Turning to Ann, who’s looking at her with a mixture of pride and surprise, she says, “Make sure he doesn’t do anything stupid.”
Ann nods, her jaw in a firm, determined set, and Roxy takes off again.
“Thirty meters at your four,” Merlin says and Roxy fires a shot off without thinking. A man falls out of a tree and hits the ground.
“Your nine.”
Another shot.
Merlin calls out another direction and Roxy spins to face it. By the time she’s done clearing the perimeter, she’s gone through two cartridges and both her knives. She cuts a glance in the direction she remembers Eggsy being in and sees him sitting on a man with several more scattered around him. He’s poking his cheek, which is pinking up in a way that Roxy knows means a bruise is coming, and wincing.
“Haley? What’s going on?”
Roxy turns to face Ann, who’s clutching her brother’s arm like a lifeline.
“Get out of there, Lancelot, we’re going to be doing a mass amnesia run as soon as you and Eggsy are out,” Merlin’s voice sounds.
She can hear the familiar whip of a helicopter’s blades and Eggsy calling her name, but she can also see the way Ann’s face goes confused at the call of “Roxy” and the way her face crumples in heartbreak. Roxy steps forward and cups Ann’s face in her hands to place a kiss on her lips.
“I’m so sorry, Ann,” Roxy whispers, “I’m not the one you’ll be happy with.”
She releases Ann and sprints towards the chopper. By the time she gets there, Eggsy’s already wedged himself into the far seat and buckled himself in. As soon as the chopper door closes, Eggsy pats her leg and she lets himself relax into his side. She knows she shouldn't get attached.
After all, Kingsmen don’t find love on missions.