Chapter Text
Loki had a standing invitation to join the royal family when the sat together in the evenings after supper. Thor had been the first one to extend the offer, but the ever amicable Frigga had soon sent her own request and even Odin had mentioned that he’d be welcome during one of the rare dinners Loki actually showed up for. To each of them his response had been the same; polite, vague, and misdirecting.
Odin and Frigga took it in stride, though Loki could still see a worried frown touch the queen’s lips from time to time.
Thor was another matter entirely.
He was relentless. Forever reiterating his offer, bringing it up at the oddest times and doing all he could to incite Loki towards the gatherings.
“They’re quite pleasant, I promise. I know you are not part of the immediate family, but you are my guest here, my most honorable guest, and truly you would be welcomed whole heartedly!” This had come while Thor had been retrieving a book from a high shelf for Loki. Not that Loki couldn’t have gotten the book himself, rather that Thor was there and he had insisted on doing it for him.
“Not that one, the one to the right of it. The right, Thor.”
“Yes yes I know. All I am saying is that...”
Or there was the time when Thor had offered to watch Gudrun so Loki could have a few hours to himself.
“It’s not like we’re always speaking of affairs of state.” He’d begun after only the barest hello, gathering Gudrun into his arms. “Our conversations are quite varied, I think they would truly interest you. Not to mention my mother would be delighted to have someone with which to discuss the finer points of magic. My father, Balder, and I know absolutely nothing on the subject and are of no use to her.”
“She’ll be hungry in a few hours most likely. Bring her back to me then and I will feed her.”
“My mother?”
“The baby, Thor.”
“Oh, yes, of course. You know the spring gardens are especially lovely this year, at least this is what my mother says...”
There had even been that bizarre morning after Thor’s nightmare two weeks ago where the prince had woken tangled around Loki. After a second’s confusion he had remembered where he was and done his best to steer the moment into more comfortable waters.
“You should sit with the family tonight.”
Loki, who’d gotten hardly any sleep at all, hadn’t felt quite up to his usual banter and just sighed. “You think so?”
With an emphatic nod being Thor’s only reply Loki had drawn himself out from under Thor’s weight and made his way to a restless Gudrun. “Maybe I will.” He’d murmured, picking her up and settling her against his small breast.
They’d been supposed to speak of other things that morning, but Loki had never managed to get them on topic.
He frowned as he stepped lightly, barefoot, over the boulderous shore, the black stone darker in the evening shadow cast by the bluffs.
There were in fact many conversations he was supposed to have with Thor. He’d told himself time and again that he needed to get the man to sit still and just listen to all the things that needed to be said, but somehow he kept not making it happen. Whether it was a task too arduous or simply that he was practicing his own avoidance, Loki couldn’t say for sure. He didn’t like not being able to read himself.
A sea breeze picked up, the dampness of it biting. His hands began to glow faintly yellow and he shifted Gudrun into one arm so he could touch her forehead, chest and feet, keeping the cold at bay. She was only wearing a little linen gown and he’d brought her no blanket.
She didn’t seem to mind as she watched her father’s sparkling hand move, smiling her still toothless smile and reaching out to grab the pretty light.
Loki’s frown softened.
“One day you will learn too.” He murmured as he let her take his hand and bring his thumb to her mouth. He changed the spell to nothing more than meaningless light but if she noticed the difference, she didn’t care. Her orange eyes stared up at him unblinking.
He looked away so he could pay attention to where he put his feet, and inhaled deeply the clean smells of salt and stone.
The path was familiar to Loki, easy under his feet despite its many breaks and fissures. He’d found it first while evading Thor, not long after he’d first transformed. Now he returned often; the place had become comfortable to him. Four times a week if not more he would flee here to the border, in secret, to rest in the quiet. It was easy to understand, though far from simple, and it soothed him.
‘Of course,’ He thought, glancing down at the child in his arms. ‘She does not actually need this.’ She simply would never want for it the same way he did. She would never know the water in a way that would leave her aching for it, itching at the dryness of any other existence. He refused to be morose about it.
Waves lolled in and out of his sandy-bottomed pool. When the tide was down it became isolated from the rest of the ocean, but it remained always deep and wide enough for a swim.
He descended with slow care to the water’s edge then lowered himself until he was kneeling, the waves striking just inches from his knees. With his one free hand he undid the clasp for the green cloak he wore and tugged it around in front of him, messily folding it in quarters before he laid it in a part of the rock worn smooth and bowl shaped.
Gudrun gurgled and kicked her feet as he placed her in the makeshift bed.
“Be good.” He murmured, touching her nose with a finger which glowed faintly green. “I will not be long.”
Her replying smile was gummy and a line of drool slid down her chin. Loki rolled his eyes as he wiped it away.
Then he stood and began to disrobe.
He always dressed lightly when he came to the water. Though it bothered him to feel the cold so acutely, minimal garments did eliminate a great deal of hassle in preparing for the transformation.
Tunic and trousers neatly folded, he placed them next to Gudrun who continued to watch him raptly. He put a finger to his lips as if motioning for her silence and she replied by pressing her whole hand over her mouth. He smiled.
“I will not be long.” He said again. With that he turned from her and began walking into the water.
For the first few steps his body remained human. Pale and slender and proud in its carriage. Then the water touched his toes. With each foot he put forward it deepened from ankles to shins to knees and as it swallowed him colour began to wash across his skin, jewel rich tones of red and blue pooling out of the pink and white.
He shivered and set his teeth firm together. His knees gave way, solid joints boiling as they melted into flexible limbs, two splitting to four splitting to eight in a sharp rippling unpleasantness he had yet to find a way to counter. As his reawakened tentacles shivered and began to relax he shut his eyes, allowing the water to slip up over his head and reclaim him completely.
It was quieter here.
For a moment water pressure bore down on his ears, then the discomfort burst and bled away. He inhaled, and shuddered at the salt which poured through his gills, at the feeling of his two missing hearts growing back, at the detached feeling of his nervous system re-prioritizing.
Each breath he took was a shivering thing until his body settled down.
Some days it felt like the transformations were getting easier. Other days he just couldn’t be sure.
After a few minutes he stretched his arms over his head slowly, reaching until his blue nailed finger tips just broke the surface. He let his red legs move, curling and undulating lazily around him. They spiraled and looped, tangled with each other, ghosted their touch over the sand before pulling in to twist up and start him swimming casually, circling the deepest water.
He let his mind wander.
Everything was perfectly clear tonight, transparent like air, all things made visible. A few trigger fish darted in and out of the pool with the ebb and flow of each wave. Blue and orange starfish huddled too around the spot where the pool and the sea blended, engaged in low speed chases with the sea urchins making their way towards the ocean proper. If he listened carefully he could hear the faraway call of a whale, but it’s song was very distant indeed.
He shook his head and frowned when his hair did not move like it used to. He missed its ethereal drift, even if it had made him easier to catch.
He continued to circle.
It felt nice to move a bit. To feel the water syphon in and out of him, the currents shift as he cut through them, the sand and stone and algae as he let his hands and tentacles touch his world.
He was content, but having neither slept nor eaten in some time, he tired quickly. Eventually he grabbed onto an outcrop of rock with his many limbs and cautiously maneuvered himself into the narrowest space he could fit. This felt good too, to be tucked up tight amongst the stone and sand and he stilled completely, staring up at the broken mosaic of the sky.
The water didn’t move much in the pool. Though cooler than the air, the sea felt warm on Loki’s skin. A tightness in his chest loosened, his mind drifted in a way he usually would not let it. His eyes focused on nothing in particular, the shadows lengthening over the waves.
He was glad Gudrun would never know this. She would not miss it. Let her believe herself to be of Asgard: a creature born to live on land and breathe in air. A creature of walking and running and sunlight.
A creature he would never be; too much of the depths, too much of the mere to ever belong on shore. Too much of a mystery to be accepted. Too much of a nightmare to be trusted.
“Where do you think you belong Loki?” Asked the Merking, his eyes the same shade of red as Loki’s, as bright as they were cold. “You have demonstrated time and again that it is not here, so where do you think you should go? Asgard?
“Do you truly believe you could exist with them in their land of heat and wind? Your skin would blister, your lips would split, your body shrivel as it begged for water. I know this for we have watched humans exact this punishment on our kind many times through my years. Our people’s corpses twist and contort when they are thrown back to the sea, taking on their water once again. Did you know this?
“You are a fool if you believe your fate in Asgard would be any different. I would sooner kill you myself than abandon you to such an end.”
The whole court was silent, unmoving. Loki focused on breathing. “Forgive me father,” He lied. “But why would you believe I have set my sights to Asgard? What reason could I have to visit the land of our erstwhile enemies?”
Laufey had snarled. “No lies, Loki! Your tryst with the human prince has been witnessed and can no longer be denied.”
For months Loki had feared the day his father found out. Feared it because he could not predict it. There were too many possibilities to calculate.
“Father.” He tried again “It is a passing association, forged for political purpose. That he has grown infatuated with me while I have maintained a clear head only serves your court further, you must see this.”
“I must, must I?” Laufey scowled. “All I see, Loki, is a son who has grown perilously close to betraying his kin and corrupting the honor of royal blood.” The king’s dark nails curled into the arms of his volcanic throne and the tips of his long tentacles curled and uncurled in a physical betrayal of his agitation.
Loki’s mind was racing, all his hearts pounding uncomfortably out of sync and surely they all could hear it, giving away what he schooled his face to conceal. “I assure you, I have no interest in leaving your kingdom for Asgard, your majesty, nor in pursuing any sort of romantic congress with The Odinson. The Mere is all I know; I could not possibly live beyond the water.”
At that moment Loki’s elder brother Byleistr stepped forward. His face anxious but determined, he earned a mutter from the court and a narrowed glance from the king. “I believe Loki is sincere, father.” He beseeched, words almost too low to hear.
‘Fool.’ Loki thought. Byleistr had always been kind to him.
Laufey looked at his second eldest son, his face a mix of disappointment and anger. “That you forever fall for your brother’s tricks worries me Byleistr.” The elder prince stiffened. “Hold your tongue, or I shall cut it. I have not asked for your council.
“And you, my youngest.” The king continued, turning the weight of his gaze back on the lowest of the princes, the smallest of all mercreatures. Little Loki.
“If you are sincere in your words than you will be prepared to finally fulfill your duty to your people.”
“And if I refuse?” They were not the smartest words Loki had ever uttered, but Laufey at least did not seem surprised to hear them.
“Then to my great sadness, child, your disloyalty to these waters will be evidenced and your life will be forfeit.”
“Father!” Byleistr hissed, shocked. Even Loki’s eldest brother Helblindi looked startled by the severity of the king’s sentence.
Loki’s face remained impassive.
He held his Father’s eyes, unblinking. His lips were the thinnest of lines, his shoulders back, his hands at his sides. His voice was steady when he opened his mouth, clear and resounding. To the court, he was unafraid.
“Then my duty will be done.”
Many came forward. Not once did Laufey’s eyes soften
Loki snapped from his memories as he heard the muted shuffle of boots over the stony shore. ‘Intruder!’ he thought with a snarl and slid himself out of the crevice, darting across the pool to the rocks where he’d left Gudrun.
With his fingers bent like claws he grabbed onto the black shore and hurled himself dripping from the water, tentacles and all, hands glowing red as he hissed at the man who’d entered the cove.
He found himself face to face with a hammer, paused mid strike, and a pair of startled blue eyes.
“Loki!”
Thor. Of course it was Thor.
The prince set down Mjolner so hard it split a fissure through the stone.
Gudrun keened unhappily next to where the prince was kneeling on the rock. He looked away from Loki, turning to pick her up, but when he reached out for her he found he could not put his hand past the boarder of Loki’s cloak.
Gudrun’s wails rose in volume until with an irate hiss Loki snapped his fingers and a light around her flared and went out. Thor didn’t hesitate to gather her to him, humming a little to try and calm her down even as Loki slid back into the water and, submerged, began to transform.
Loki had trouble deciding if it was more painful to go from water to land or land to sea. His tentacles lined up and stuck together like someone was pushing a needle and thread through his flesh, mending the tears he’d rent. His skin was all pins and needles as his nerves rearranged themselves, his chest felt hollow as two of his hearts shriveled and went away. The pall which made his skin human pale dragged over him, his legs stiffened and became jointed, his ears ached as water bore down on them.
“Stupid Thor.” He hissed just as his gills burned away. His heart continued to race.
He set his feet to the sand and walked back up onto dry land.
“What are you doing?” Thor’s voice boomed the moment his head was above water. Loki narrowed his eyes and ducked again under the surface for just a moment to make sure his hair was all slicked back from his face.
“Swimming.” Was his only reply when he came up again. Still walking forward, he was without shame as he climbed onto the rocks and faced Thor, arms crossed.
“And you?” He goaded, knowing he should keep his temper down, but it had already risen. He was tired and even then mourning his lost solitude.
“Me?” Thor looked incredulous. “I was only looking for you. A guard said he’d seen you come down the beach and imagine my horror when I found this! Gudrun! Alone! We’ve talked about this Loki, you cannot leave her like that. Anything could happen!”
With a mental frown Loki made a note to find out who had been on guard duty this night.
“She was not alone, Thor. I was right here.”
“Underwater? What good are you to her down there?”
Loki grit his teeth to keep from swearing. “I refuse to have this argument again with you. You were wrong before and you are still wrong now. Idiot, did you not notice the protection spell?” For emphasis Loki bent down to scoop up his cloak, and shook the fabric in Thor’s direction.
Staring at the cloak in Loki’s fist Thor fell silent, still rocking the babe in his arms and trying not to let his righteousness wither.
Loki sneered and dropped the garment, reaching out for his daughter instead. “There is no need for you to be here. Give her to me and leave us be.”
Thor only curled his arms more firmly around her. Gudrun fussed.
For the first time since growing them, Loki felt the urge to stomp his foot. “I will not stand for this, give her to me now Thor!”
Thor’s didn’t move.
For a moment Loki was certain Thor meant to take her from him permanently. His blood ran cold
“She is not even yours!” His voice sounded shrill even to his own ears. “You have no right act as if you possess her.”
“I only care for her Loki!” He snapped at last. “I only wish to protect her.”
In Loki fury ran with fear.
“Because I can not?” the mercreature hissed, tone coral rough and dangerous.
“No!” Thor barked. He paused, his breath held and his eyes full of self-righteousness and fire, then his shoulders dropped. “That is not what I mean to imply at all.”
Loki almost let himself start breathing again.
“I simply... want to protect her.” Thor repeated, much softer than before. “I care for her. I want to safeguard her.”
When he met Loki’s eyes the mercreature was discomfited by the depth of emotion he found there. “If you would not push me away so often you would understand this.” The prince finished with a sigh.
“What do you mean by that?” Loki kept his own eyes narrowed.
“Does it matter?” Thor looked defeated. “Nothing is enough.”
One of Gudrun’s chubby fists flailed before it landed on Thor’s chest and she gripped his tunic, turning her face towards his warmth.
“Please, Loki, would you dress? It is... distracting to speak with you like this.”
Loki, who’d forgotten his own nakedness made no move towards modesty. “Why, Thor?” He taunted, unwilling to give him anything.
Thor made a sound as if he’d been wounded and looked to the side, his face flushing in a way which Loki frankly found embarrassing. He scowled.
Loki could be merciful when he wanted to. He bent to retrieve his clothes.
When he’d pulled on his trousers he caught Thor’s quiet thank you and grit his teeth. If his own cheeks felt hot he ignored the sensation.
“Give her back to me.” He hissed when he’d yanked his tunic over his head, the fabric slightly wrinkled and ocean-damp, sticking to his wet skin. His hair was mussed from the motion, wild. He would stand this no longer though. Thor had already interrupted his evening, and now he was tormenting him. If he had not been Loki’s only friend, the prince would have had valid cause to fear for his life.
Fortunately Thor handed her over then, carefully, moving her in his hands until Loki could snatch her up and draw her into the shelter of his own arms. Most would not have noticed the little way the mercreature’s shoulders dropped, but Thor did and he felt a spark of shame in his belly.
Though he didn’t have a chance to feel lit long. A sharp pain struck his face, making him stumble back a step, reeling from Loki’s blow. The sound of the slap rang in Thor’s ears.
“If you ever,” Loki started, his voice venom bright and cold as the deep “attempt to withhold her from me again, Thor, I will set you on fire.”
Thor did not doubt him.
He nodded once, solemnly, working at his jaw. His empty hands clenched into fists at his sides before releasing and he fought the urge to apologize.
The water kept shushing against the rocks, laughing as it struck and hissing as it retreated. A pair of giant petrels screamed, leaving their cliff roost and climbing into the air, flapping, gliding down the shore on the twilight hunt for squid and carrion. A wave spit at Thor’s ankles, the tide coming in for the evening. He reached down to take up Mjolner before the ocean could touch it. The hammer’s weight in his hand was immediately reassuring, keeping him from reaching up to touch his cheek.
“Do you come here often?” He asked stiffly, anything to break the silence.
“Does it matter?”
“It’s a nice spot.” Thor offered again. “I can see why you like it.”
“I liked it more when it was mine.” Loki bit back, feeling bitter.
Wind nipped at Thor’s face, caught his tangled yellow hair and pushed it into his eyes. Loki watched the prince brush it away. “I won’t come again if you don’t want me to.” He conceded. Then before Loki could reply he added. “Forgive me, this did not go well. I was simply looking for you so I could invite you to sit with the family, but I’ve ruined it.”
Thor sketched a stiff bow and kept himself from meeting Loki’s eyes. Against his better judgement, Loki felt his tension ebb. Try as he might, his fury would not stay stoked when faced with Thor’s apologies.
“You are brash by nature.” At length he conceded, shifting Gudrun to one side so he could touch his nose to her forehead, breathing in her baby scent. “It is foolish of me to expect more from you.”
“Will you come then?”
It was undignified, but Loki actually snorted in disbelief. “No, Thor, I will not.”
“Tomorrow then?”
Loki made a pained face. “I do not know how your father ever expects to groom you for the throne. You are as inelegant as a sea slug.”
“Is that a yes?”
“You are tenacious though, like a hound.”
“Loki.”
“Thor.” Loki was at the end of his line, and his human form did not like the increasing chill of evening. He would forgive Thor soon, he always did, but he would not play his games. “That’s enough. You have already spoiled an evening, I will not form an agreement with you wherein you will be allowed to spoil another. Goodnight.”
“Loki-” Thor started but the mercreature ignored him, gliding past and snatching up the damp lump of his cloak as he went.
Mercifully Thor did not pursue him towards the castle path. What the prince did instead, lingering on the shore, Loki did not care.
He retired before it was even full dark. Giving into weakness he cast a spell to help Gudrun sleep through the night, but he himself slept poorly again anyways. All his dreams were of darkness.