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“I love you.”
Atsushi is making his seventh cup of tea, scratching his throat as he pours hot water into his mug. He still smells the faint scent of antiseptic lingering on their clothes but nothing is as palpable as the tension in the room. He coughs into his hands even though he tries not to, he spits the petals into a tissue. Ryūnosuke lingers just behind him and he doesn’t have to look to know that his lover is holding his body stiffly.
“I love you too.” He feels tiny thorns in his throat. “I’m so—”
“Don’t.”
Atsushi swallows the apology down as he turns around to finally meet Ryūnosuke’s eyes. He winces at how red they are, and how hurt he looks. “But I am.”
“Don’t apologize for how you feel.”
“But it’s hurting you,” he frowns.
“And it’s killing you.” Ryūnosuke wipes his eyes aggressively, a year into this relationship and he finally is able to display what he feels in front of Atsushi. He’s just sorry that it’s this. “What can I do so you believe me when I tell you that I love you?”
And isn’t that a wonder? To get this disease simply because Atsushi doesn’t believe his partner loves him—doesn’t believe that he even deserves this. How they even got this far, he doesn’t know. He grips the hot mug to ground himself, whatever burns will heal. Somewhere deep within him, he knows this is the Headmaster’s fault. It’s as the doctor confirmed anyway, Atsushi is dealing with trauma and is now suffering the consequences of long-term neglect.
Even six feet under, his Headmaster finds a way to punish him.
“Why didn’t you tell me you felt this way?”
“I didn’t think it was an issue because I love you and I just thought that I’d cherish everything before you...you know...leave?”
Ryūnosuke’s face twists into a grimace. “What gave you the idea that I would?”
“I just know. Everyone does. I’m just waiting.”
It seems like the other man wants to say something else, the deep breath he takes is indicative of a harsh retort but he seems to swallow it down with great effort. He turns his back and reaches for the balcony doors. “I need air.”
And it’s just as Atsushi thought.
They’d leave eventually.
But before he can fully form that conclusion, Ryūnosuke turns back just before stepping out. He looks determined, the look is similar to when he’s about to solve a complicated puzzle. Strangely, it quiets Atsushi’s mind. “I love you, Atsushi. It may not sink in now and I’m sorry I’ve hardly said it but one day everything’s going to make sense and you will get rid of this disease.”
When Ryūnosuke closes the balcony door, Atsushi cries.
As the days progress, Ryūnosuke starts to act differently. It’s not a jarring change but it’s enough for Atsushi to notice. He becomes more affectionate—lingering touches and being the last to let go of a hug. He delegates more tasks to his subordinates rather than doing it all on his own like usual. He’s home more, ready to sit and cuddle with Atsushi on the couch. Ryūnosuke even picks him up at work a few times. A part of Atsushi is extremely overwhelmed, needing to seek quiet moments if only to escape that look in Ryūnosuke’s eyes that has him feeling so vulnerable and exposed.
Then, when Atsushi begins to feel even a little bit accustomed to the differences, the other man decides to take leave from work just to take care of Atsushi while he was down with the flu. Ryūnosuke never misses work, not for anything. He tries to complain about it but Ryūnosuke makes chazuke just the way Atsushi likes it in the apron with frills and he just forgets.
He’ll talk about it with him eventually.
Finally, one night, he places a hand on Ryūnosuke’s chest and pushes him away lightly. “I know what you’re doing but you don’t have to change for my sake.”
“Change?” Ryūnosuke wraps his fingers around Atsushi’s hand, his thumbs massaging his palm.
“You’re doing more for me. It’s...you don’t have to bother.”
Ryūnosuke only seems amused. “The disease is because you don’t feel like I love you, I thought I’d show you that I do. These things I’m doing, arriving home and holding you more have always been just thoughts. I wish to fix that.”
“Oh.” Atsushi finds nothing to say to that so he snuggles into his boyfriend and loses himself in thought. He’s thankful that his boyfriend allows him this
When it’s clear that no conversation will be had, not with Atsushi’s quick-to-tire body, Ryūnosuke settles with holding Atsushi and playing with his hair but, every now and then, he peppers everything that Atsushi is with gentle touches and occasional kisses. It makes Atsushi’s body tense, always anticipating when a certain touch will stop and then end.
Finally, Ryūnosuke settles with traces his back with the pads of his fingers and Atsushi waits for him to get tired and stop but he slowly relaxes when an hour goes by and Ryūnosuke is yet to stop holding him. His body relaxes inch by inch until he falls asleep.
Still, Ryūnosuke holds him.
Atsushi tries to turn his bloody petals into potpourri and, instead of getting mad, Ryūnosuke laughs for the first time since his diagnosis.
“You are such an idiot.” Ryūnosuke says it while kissing him, teeth pressing onto Atsushi’s lips because he can’t quite help his laughter.
Atsushi pouts playfully. “It’s economical.”
“It’s disturbing, Jinko.” He looks down at the bowl of dried petals. “Chuuya’s going to like this.”
Atsushi is standing just beside the balcony doors, the shadows swallowing his form. He arrived home and heard Ryūnosuke talking to someone on the phone so he decides to listen in. He feels his palms sweat as he tries to comprehend the words.
“He’s not getting better,” Ryūnosuke says desperately. His voice cracks and it makes Atsushi’s chest clench. “He’s getting sicker and sicker. I don’t—-”
It’s Gin’s voice that speaks. “Do you love him?”
“Of course I fucking do. What do you think of me?”
“I’m just trying to help here, big brother.”
“I know.” He sighs. “I know.”
“What have you done to show him how you feel?”
“Everything except bring that Headmaster back to life to kill him myself.” There’s a creak that tells Atsushi that Ryūnosuke’s stood up.
“I hate to tell you this but you can move the heaven and seas but if he doesn’t believe that you love him then it’s all for nothing.”
“It’s not for nothing,” he snaps. “Don’t talk about him like he’s some sort of burden.”
“I’m not, I’m just saying—”
“Enough, Gin. I know all of this already. I don’t even know why I called.”
“I’m sorry. I suppose you just needed someone to listen.”
“I just...I don’t want him to die.” Another sigh. “I have to go, Gin, Atsushi will be here soon.”
Atsushi scrambles to head to the entryway. He opens and slams the door and pretends as if he’s just entering their apartment. Ryūnosuke is closing the balcony doors when he turns to Atsushi and gives him a small smile. “Welcome home, Jinko.”
“I...I’m home,” Atsushi stutters, blushing at his own deceitfulness. “How was your day?”
Ryūnosuke buries his fingers in Atsushi’s hair and kisses him on the forehead, nose, then lips. “Better.”
When Ryūnosuke pulls away to start making dinner, Atsushi grabs his arms shyly. “I...I love you.”
A soft smile. “I love you.”
He doesn’t say it but somehow Atsushi hears the ‘so much’ attached to those three words.
From: Ryūnosuke
Marigold by Aimyon
To: Ryūnosuke
Ryuuuu what is that?
From: Ryūnosuke
Listen to it
Oh, just kiss me
Because the words “I love you” aren’t enough for me
The clouds are still leaving behind shadows of us
So let’s just stay like this forever and ever and ever
I hope we’re connected
Even when you’re somewhere far, far away from me
I hope we both
Feel the same way about each other
You look a lot like the swaying marigolds
With that straw hat you’ve got on
The romance of that day made me smile and say
The sky brought back fond memories of that not yet ripe summer
You stare at me with tears in your eyes
Saying, “Don’t leave me”
I’ll hold you so gently, I’ll hold you so tight
As gently as a cloud, and will never ever leave you
Oh, just kiss me
Because the words “I love you” aren’t enough for me
The clouds are still leaving behind shadows of us
So let’s just stay like this forever and ever and ever
I won’t leave you
I’ll never ever, never ever leave you
Atsushi vomits petals into their bathroom sink, the rancid smell of withering flowers, bile, and blood reaches his nose and threatens to make him gag but he stops himself if only because of the look of devastation he sees on Ryūnosuke’s face. He feels the other man rub his back as he turns on the faucet with the other. He’s not an idiot, he knows what he looks like. There’s the sickly pallor of his face that tends to pull everyone to pity him.
“I’ll make you some tea.”
Atsushi stops himself with three simple words. “It’s getting worse.”
Ryūnosuke’s face twists into something so horrid. He mahandles Atsushi to look at him, gray clashing with purple-gold. “I’m not leaving you.”
“Ryuu, maybe—”
“I’m not leaving you.” Ryūnosuke pulls him into a tight embrace, his fingers holding onto the fabric of Atsushi’s shirt with a trembling grip.
“I don’t want to be a burden anymore, Ryuu, please just do it already.”
“You’re not a burden.” He says it so cuttingly that it’d most likely put anyone off but not Atsushi, never Atsushi.
Ryūnosuke pulls back just enough to place a long tender kiss on Atsushi’s forehead. He meets his eyes as he says, “Go to bed, I’ll just make us some tea.”
He grips onto Ryūnosuke’s hand. “Why won’t you just leave me?”
The truth is, he’s afraid of the day Ryūnosuke leaves. He doesn’t want it to happen but he just can’t help himself. He constantly tries to test the boundary, he’s so sure that this would be the trigger for abandonment but Ryūnosuke keeps holding his ground. He holds on with a stubborn grip. Atsushi almost feels hopeful.
“I don’t want to.”
Later, Atsushi wakes up in the middle of the night to Ryūnosuke’s soft sniffling. He feels his body tightly pressed up against the other man.
“Believe me please believe me.”
He feels the slight inkling of recognition but is pulled by sleep before he can put it into words.
Higuchi sends him a photo of Ryūnosuke asleep on his desk but what catches Atsushi’s attention is a framed photo of them on Ryūnosuke’s desk. He stares at it obsessively, wondering if he’s just seeing things but it’s unmistakable. It’s the photo they took on their last trip to Okinawa.
Something slowly settles in his chest, the way one would feel after taking a sip of water after walking under the sun. He takes a shaky breath as he smiles. He hears it even in the silence.
I love you.
He clutches his phone close to his chest, a sob wracking his whole body. Kunikida watches him with a worried expression. Naomi nudges Tanizaki, whispering something before he finally turns to look at Atsushi.
He doesn’t care.
Atsushi feels happy.
It finally clicks when Ryūnosuke is away on an unavoidable business trip because there's no Anpanman-shaped sweet bread on the counter.
The bread is symbolic and so is the character, it is something he never used to be able to have. He remembers the name 'Sachiko'. She is the girl the Headmaster adored. He was left locked out in the rain and tortured to fear everything that moved but Sachiko had Anpanman toys and sweet bread.
Ryūnosuke was not as open with his emotions when he told that story but the next day he had brought Atsushi sweet bread shaped like Anpanman.
”What is this?” Atsushi remembers smiling obliviously, wondering why his soon-to-be partner was giving him a child’s snack.
"Something they can no longer take away from you," Ryunosuke had said, careful not to squish the bread in his grip.
Atsushi looks at the bread then at the other man, this other man who he's sure he can love. "You're right."
It ended up being his favorite food, third only to chazuke, and an empty second spot he keeps open where any food that could potentially be better.
Now that he notices the missing sweet bread, there are so many more things that are not present. It's like only noticing darkness in the absence of light. He notices Ryūnosuke's affections now that the man is absent.
The coffee machine isn't prepared. He didn’t wake up to being pulled close as soft kisses pepper his face. He didn’t watch Ryunosuke leave for the day, a hasty peck on his lips before he eventually rushes out the door. He didn’t get a scolding for walking around the house without a shirt on despite his condition. He feels he somehow overlooked something so great.
Throughout the day, the realization creeps up on him. It wasn't a 'Eureka moment' but it was like water finally finding form and the catalyst to taking its form is a phone call.
"Hello?" He mutters, squinting at the LED clock to read the time. It's 5pm. He needs to make dinner.
"Atsushi, are you at home?"
"Mm," he hums, snuggling into his boyfriend's pillow that's currently wearing said boyfriend's used sweater. "Right where you left me."
"So clingy." He sounds so fond and it makes Atsushi's heart swell.
"Why did you call?"
"I wanted to show you something." Ryūnosuke turns on his camera and points it at a cart of fruits being sold for far cheaper than what they get in Yokohama.
"Ryūnosuke!" He exclaims, sitting up as he practically glues his eyes to the screen. Is he seeing that right? "That's so cheap!"
The screen switches to the front camera, a smirking Ryūnosuke comes into view. "Right? I'll try to see if I can bring some home."
"No, no, you should—"
"Right, try it out first. I will. I'll convince Higuchi to eat most of it, however."
That's it. No one knows him the way Ryūnosuke does. It's unbelievable. And how do you decide that you love someone if you don't know them?
They're both silent for a bit, save for Ryūnosuke buying a small portion of fruits for testing. He's always thought that maybe trips far from Atsushi are just what Ryūnosuke needs. He sometimes feels that his boyfriend thinks ill of him. But now he knows that the other man thinks of him whenever he sees cheap fruit. If he can think about Atsushi when he sees fruit, he might also remember him during sunsets when clouds are tinted purplish-pink with a border of orange. It's somewhat an eye-opener.
"Ryuu?"
"Yes?" He hears the crinkling of the plastic bag as his boyfriend walks.
"I bet you don't know what my favorite color is."
Ryūnosuke smiles proudly before he even answers. "Deep purple."
The next day he develops a 41.5°C fever.
The only person he decides to call is Ryūnosuke, his wrists feeling heavier than normal and his fingers feeling stiff. It’s a wonder that he can even think right at that moment. Ryūnosuke, as expected, is frantic. His boyfriend calls Dazai and Chuuya to take him to the hospital. While Atsushi waits, Ryūnosuke talks to him. It’s almost like frantic sweet nothings. It makes him smile.
“Ryuu, when will you be home?”
“I’m booking a flight right now.”
“Oh no you don’t need to.”
“Shut up, don’t tell me what to do. Higuchi can handle things here.”
Atsushi snorts, rolling his eyes. “So grumpy.”
“I shouldn’t have left you. I’m so stupid.”
“You’re right, I didn’t have sweet bread,” he says through a yawn. “Bring...bring home the fruits.”
“Jinko, are you delirious right now?”
“You told me you’d bring home the fruits.”
“They weren’t that sweet.”
Atsushi whines, high-pitched. “Oh no!”
“I’ll buy you any fruit at store price just get better, you idiot.” He hears Ryūnosuke shuffling around, probably packing.
He hums. “Ryuu?”
“Yes?” He sounds stressed out but Atsushi has to say it because he’s so damn sleepy.
“I love you.”
There’s a sharp intake of breath that could be heard and everything seems to stop. “Don’t make it sound like a goodbye.”
“I’m just sleepy and I really want to sleep now so can you say it back?”
A pause. “I love you, Atsushi.”
Atsushi grins to himself, closing his eyes. “I know.”
He wakes up to an unfamiliar ceiling and bright lights. His tongue feels like sandpaper and his throat feels like it was mangled by someone hyper-fixated on asphyxiation. Atsushi tries to sit up and he almost fails until he feels gentle hands support him up, fluffing up his pillows behind him. He takes this time to let his eyes adjust. Antiseptic. White. Ugly chairs. Right. He was in the hospital.
“Here, water.”
He looks up from the glass to see Ryūnosuke looking like he just went through hell. Maybe it was a turbulent flight? “Thanks.”
“Slow down,” his lover whispers, tilting the glass away for a moment before letting him continue to drink.
Atsushi wipes his mouth as Ryūnosuke places the glass down on the bedside table. “What happened?”
“Well, you had a high fever and you’ve been in and out of sleep for a while now but you were always quite delirious whenever you were awake. The fever broke just this morning though.”
“Oh, am I getting worse?”
“The high fever is often a symptom of recovery, your body finally figured out how to fight off the disease so no, actually, you’re getting better.”
“You mean...”
“The disease is gone.” Ryūnosuke gives him a genuine smile, fingers intertwining with his. “What made you finally believe me?”
Atsushi shrugs, feeling a little shy. “Everything you didn’t say.”
Ryūnosuke looks like he understands. “You can’t get rid of me now.”
“I know.”
“I won’t leave you.”
“I know.” Ryūnosuke absolutely beams at him, the biggest smile Atsushi has ever seen and only because Atsushi finally believes that he loves him. He cocks his head up slightly, pouting his lips. “Kiss?”
The other man obliges, kissing him with the enthusiasm of a warrior coming home. Atsushi loves him and Ryūnosuke loves him back. It’s suffocating but that may just be the desperation in their kiss. Ryūnosuke cups the back of his head while Atsushi fingers the hem of Ryūnosuke’s shirt. They love each other.
No one can take this away from them.
Fin.
[Later]
Atsushi digs his toes in the sand as the waves lap around his ankles. Ryūnosuke stands beside him taking pictures of the horizon. Their misshapen sand castle crumbles just a little bit behind them just beside their beach mat that had their bag filled with figs and Anpanman-shaped sweet bread.
He laughs when Ryūnosuke turns to point the camera at him.
“Beautiful,” Ryūnosuke says.
“Ryuu, take one of us.”
And so they take a picture. Atsushi turns to smile at Ryūnosuke, planting a wet kiss on the other man’s cheek. Click!
Atsushi keeps it as his phone’s lock screen and home screen.
Ryūnosuke gets it printed and framed, to stand beside the already existing photo on his desk.