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It was going to be one of those nights. He shivered at the thought and turned over onto his side. His phone lay in his limp hand, its bright screen lightly illuminating his room. He no longer had to worry about waking someone up. He was entirely- painfully- alone.
His new room was devoid of any posters or personal touches. His room only held his bed pushed up against one corner and his gaming setup right next to it. There were still a few boxes left unpacked that he couldn’t bring himself to look at let alone organize.
The prospect of a new dorm had been exciting. The others had lit up at the idea of more space and their own rooms. Felix hadn’t been as excited. He enjoyed his time rooming with Chan and Changbin. Sure, they came home late and both snored loud enough that sometimes it made Felix feel a hint of concern for their throats, but they also always indulged Felix in cuddle sessions after particularly long days and spent some nights curled around each other speaking their minds into darkness that felt so safe and removed from the rest of the world.
So, no, Felix wasn’t over the moon about their new living situation, but he tried to look on the bright side. He’d still be able to slip into another member's bed if the need arose. He’d done it more than a few times. He just hoped that he got one cuddle bug member in a dorm with him.
Felix groaned and rubbed at his eyes, sitting up and crossing his legs. His phone tumbled out of his hand and onto the bedsheets. He looked at it and felt nauseous toward the image currently displayed on his screen. He wished he could simply go to another member to cuddle and shield him from his spiraling thoughts.
Don’t get him wrong, Felix adored his dorm mates. Jeongin was an easy person to share a bathroom with and both Minho and Seungmin were clean people in general so there was never a mess. However, the three of them were the least tactile people Felix had ever met. They were all more likely to playfully bat him away when he so much as tried to hold their hands.
This led to Felix’s current dilemma.
The dorm was twenty-one degrees celsius, but he still felt so terribly cold. His hands and feet were the worst. They tingled with pins and needles and no matter how much he flexed or stretched it wouldn’t go away.
His stomach grumbled, snapping him out of his dazed staring into the darkness of his bedroom. He pressed a palm to his abdomen and bit his lip. His eyes flickered back to his phone screen. A concave stomach stared back at him. The person’s skin was deathly pale and he could easily count all of their ribs, but the sight was no less alluring.
More and more of his nights were spent scrolling through the dark side of Twitter on one of his secret accounts. It was addicting in a sick sort of sense, and he could do it more often since there was nobody around to look over his shoulder. He’d done it a lot in his early days in the group, and he’d even delved into restrictive eating to attempt to lose the pudge that clung to his stomach and cheeks.
Eventually, he’d given it up. Dance practice was too hard on an empty stomach and Chan had taken to forcing everyone to have dinner together every night they were able. It simply became too hard not to eat.
All of that was less of a problem in the new dorm. Seungmin preferred to either eat with Jeongin or stuff himself full of ramyeon at random times of the day. Minho and Jisung both had similar tastes so they often went out to try different cafes together, sometimes forcing Hyunjin to tag along. Changbin and Chan either ate at the studio or went to eat at ungodly hours of the night.
This left Felix hardly eating unless it was a protein bar to get himself through practice. It hadn’t exactly been something he’d consciously decided to do. One day he noticed that he hadn’t eaten dinner and he didn’t particularly want to. He’d decided that he could stand to lose weight and it’d snowballed from there.
But, Felix was fine.
He glanced at the clock on his phone and let out a shaky breath. It was quickly nearing six in the morning. The sun would be rising soon and it would be time for them to head to practice. He laid back and stared at the ceiling, knowing that sleep was a lost cause.
He was fine.
-
Felix had long ago perfected the art of appearing to be an open book. All he had to do was make sure to tell his hyungs he was having a bad day every once in a while, spew some bull about being homesick, then pretend to be all better. Nobody had to know that he was hanging on by a thread. He had to get even better at it as he lost more weight and stay grew worried.
A mukbang live and eating sweats during a couple of talker episodes quelled a few worries. Besides, he was still fairly muscular. He could just offhandedly say that he’d taken to going to the gym more often. Sure, the carrot incident had caused a flair of panic, but it wasn’t anything he felt would cause too much concern. He was alright. There was nothing to worry about.
What truly surprised him was that stay was catching on before his own members. Maybe it was because they were all so busy with schedules and with each other, but he couldn’t help but feel slightly hurt. Whenever he denied food and said he had already eaten there was never a raised brow or a hint of suspicion. The others simply shrugged it off. Harsh diets weren’t anything new in their line of work, so it was an easy excuse.
It was harder, though when they were all together.
“Yongbokah.” Felix turned to see Minho waving a piece of fried chicken in his face. He couldn’t help how his mouth watered at the sight. He was on his second day of fasting and his stomach had finally stopped growling, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t starving. When Chan told him they were doing a team dinner for the first time since they’d moved into the new dorms he was both excited and terrified.
Excited because team dinner usually meant that they all ended up in a cuddle pile in the living room and he might finally be able to get the touch he’s been craving for months . Terrified because team dinner meant food near the others. He wouldn’t be able to weasel his way out of eating so easily.
“Eat this, you have to be healthy.” He put a piece of chicken on Felix’s almost empty plate and the younger swallowed nervously. “Fried chicken is a delicacy that shouldn’t be wasted.”
“Hyung, you’re mother henning again.” Minho turned to Jeongin with a scowl and the youngest member only smirked, eyebrow ticking upward in amusement.
“I’ll show you mother hen!” Minho raised his fist and Jeongin jumped from his seat with a squeal. They chased each other into the living room where Felix could hear the distant sound of them wrestling.
“Your food will get cold,” Chan called teasingly from his seat in front of Felix at their dining table. His unruly curls were out and splayed wildly across his head. His face was bare of any makeup and a hint of dark circles could be seen under his eyes. Felix couldn’t help but think about how pretty their leader looked so free and unedited. “Jeez, kids these days.”
Seungmin snorted. “I bet you miss when you could run around like that you old geezer.”
Chan simply closed his eyes with a put-out sigh, already used to the younger teasing his age.
Changbin was quick to throw in his two cents around a mouthful of chicken. He pointedly ignored the disgusted look Hyunjin was glaring at him with. “You should respect your elders Seungminnie. One day hyung won’t be around to tell you about his old war stories and you’ll be sad.”
“Thanks, Changbin,” Chan said, eyes still closed, and Changbin nodded as though the thanks had been at all genuine.
“Ah, Changbinnie hyung and his words of wisdom. Whatever would we do without you, hyung?” Jisung gave him a cheeky smile, but before Changbin could puff his chest and give a playfully self-righteous answer, Seungmin quickly cut in with more snark.
“We’d all be depressed with stomach ulcers, probably.” He cackled as he dodged a fully cleaned chicken bone thrown at his head.
Felix watched the chatter with a tiny smile as he picked apart his chicken into smaller and smaller pieces. Some of it got folded into his napkins and stuffed into his pockets when he was sure nobody was looking. He’d missed moments like these. Ones where everyone could just be themselves with little to no filter. They’d been so busy with the most recent comeback that these moments had steadily become rarer and rarer.
“Has hyung talked to you about our idea for a danceracha vlive yet?” Felix’s hands faltered where he’d been playing with bits of shredded meat. His fingers were coated in a veil of chicken grease that a distant part of himself begged him to lick clean. He refrained and shook his head at Hyunjin’s question. Minho and Jeongin had found their ways back to their seats, both of them with ruffled hair and clothing.
“I want to do a mukbang,” the dance leader explained. Felix hummed, determined not to let his panic show on his face. “We promised a danceracha live but we never promised to dance.”
Minho winked and Felix forced out a small chuckle. He avoided Minho’s cat-like eyes and caught Jeongin staring at his plate. The younger quickly met his eyes when he noticed Felix looking and offered one of his trademark dimpled grins. Something uncomfortable settled in Felix’s gut, but he tried to shake it away.
“I’m down for anything. Did you have a particular food in mind?” He was the picture of nonchalance, despite the churning in his stomach.
“I want milk bread,” Hyunjin groaned and sunk into his seat. “It’s so good and I haven’t had it in forever.”
“A bread theme sounds good,” Minho said thoughtfully. Felix felt like he was going to be sick.
Bread had been one of his fear foods for as long as he could remember. When he was younger it used to make him bloat and extremely nauseous so he tried to avoid it when he could. The idea of an hour to two-hour mukbang where he had to eat bread sounded awful.
“I don’t know about a bread theme,” he said cautiously. “I want to diet a bit before the upcoming concerts. Bread is kind of fattening, you know?”
He noticed the way that Chan’s eye twitched and Minho’s fingers tightened around the handle of his cat-shaped mug that he always insisted on drinking out of. The panic that had been present earlier was doubling in size as the minutes ticked by.
“I don’t think you need to worry about dieting,” Seungmin said casually. Felix’s gaze flickered over to him and he felt his shoulders tense slightly. “You’re like, really small these days Felix.”
“Almost worryingly so,” Jisung muttered, but he quickly snapped his jaw shut. He looked guilty, as though he’d said something he wasn’t supposed to. Judging from the light glare Minho was throwing at him, he had.
“Is-” Felix hesitated, looking at all his members, “what is this?”
Chan was quick to send him a small smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “It’s nothing. It’s just that- well - stay have been worried and we’ve been a bit worried as well. You’ve lost quite a bit of weight. We just want to make sure you’re alright.”
The words ‘I’m fine’ were right at the tip of his tongue, but he held them back. He had to pretend to be an open book or everything would fall apart. Only people who weren’t fine claimed to be. He let his shoulders droop and tried to offer a bit of the truth to assuage their fears.
“I guess…” he trailed off, trying to find the perfect words that would justify his actions. “It’s been so long since we’ve seen stay, you know? I feel like I gained weight during covid and I just wanted to look the best so I don’t disappoint them.”
Embarrassingly, he felt a few tears collect at his lashline. While he wasn’t delving into the whole truth, he was still opening up about one of his insecurities.
A soft sigh and the sound of a chair scooting against hardwood were all the warning Felix had before Chan’s strong arms were wrapping around his shoulders. The others were quick to stand and join. The feeling of being held was so sudden and overwhelming that Felix couldn’t help the sob that slipped past his lips, no matter how hard he tried.
“You’re our sunshine, Lixie. You could never disappoint anyone.” Felix melted into his members’ embrace, finally able to breathe as though he’d been trapped underwater for weeks. Still, it didn’t stop one thought from wiggling its way into his mind, causing him to cry just a little bit harder.
What if being the sunshine you need me to be is what hurts the most?
Felix assumed that that night would be just like all the others. He lay on his back, hands resting on his chest, the cold feeling slowly seeping through his skin and into his bones. The hugging and crying earlier had only managed to drain him until he felt slightly hollow. The burning imprint of hands against his skin had quickly faded as everyone headed to their respective dorms and called it a night.
He was once again alone. At least, he thought he would be.
His head whipped to the side when he noticed his door slowly creaking open. He was surprised to see Minho sticking his head in. The older’s hair was in disarray as though he’d been tossing and turning in bed, and he wore a white t-shirt and old basketball shirts.
He slowly made his way into the room and shut the door with a soft click. He turned around and when his eyes met Felix’s he jumped. Instead of speaking up to explain himself he slowly padded over to Felix’s bedside and wordlessly tugged at the edge of his comforter.
Partially amused and extremely confused, Felix moved toward the wall and lifted the blanket so Minho could slide under the covers with him. The older shifted around and made himself comfortable. He looked at Felix with a raised eyebrow and Felix could swear that his cheeks were lightly dusted pink.
“Little spoon or big spoon?” Felix let out a breathy laugh before turning on his side and allowing Minho to wrap his arms around his back. For a while, they just stayed there breathing and listening to the rattle of the dorm’s air conditioner. After a few minutes, Felix assumed that Minho had fallen asleep, but his hyung broke the silence with a whispered voice.
“When I was a trainee,” Minho started, “I had a problem with food.”
Felix felt his breath hitch, but he didn’t move for fear of shattering the small bubble surrounding them.
“I guess it started when I first got into dance. My cheeks and thighs were my main issues. A few people in the dance group I was in made fun of me for being bigger than everyone else. Most of them were jealous that I’d been offered a spot as a backup dancer for a big group, but it still stuck with me.
“I started counting calories every day and I cut out sweets altogether. I always loved food, but I slowly started to hate it. I hated cooking because the entire time I would be worried about portions and calories and it was all too overwhelming. Eventually, I lost the weight I wanted, but dancing became harder. It actually got to a point where one of the members of the group I was dancing for pulled me aside to talk about it.”
Minho paused and took a shuttering breath. Felix had the distinct feeling that his hyung was crying, which only made his heartbeat harder in his chest. Minho never cried. Not when he got eliminated, not when he fell during practice. He was always the brick wall that everyone could lean on for support.
“He’d struggled with an eating disorder in the past so he wanted to help me in any way he could. He convinced me to go to therapy and take a break. I followed his advice and a few months later I was doing a lot better. Then I became a trainee and health was so important that I didn’t want to fall back into my old habits. Then I got a litter of dongsaengs that I had to protect and care for. I started cooking again for you guys and fell back in love with food. I probably should have said something sooner but I didn’t want any of you to end up like me so…”
Minho buried his head in the space between Felix’s shoulder blades and Felix could feel the older’s tears soak through his shirt.
“If-if there's something wrong please talk to me, okay? I won’t ever judge you I promise. It’s okay to get help sometimes.”
Tears were falling from Felix’s eyes with no possibility of stopping. He tried to conceal his sniffling, but he could tell he failed when he felt Minho’s arms wrap tighter around him.
“I’m so tired hyung,” Felix whispered, voice cracking in the middle of his words. “I’m so tired.”
“I know,” Minho whispered back.
“Everyone says I’m their sunshine. What happens when the sun sets, hyung? What then?”
There were a few minutes of silence, but just as Felix began to think his hyung wasn’t going to answer, Minho began to sing an English song that Felix sort of recognized. The lyrics only made him cry harder.
“ Days seem sometimes as if they'll never end. Sun digs its heels to taunt you. But after sunlit days, one thing stays the same. Rises the moon ”
That night, wrapped in Minho with tears drying on his cheeks, Felix got the best sleep he’d had in years.
-
The conversation with Minho didn’t cure him, but it did build an understanding between the two that strengthened their bond in ways Felix hadn’t expected. Minho had always silently doted on his dongsaengs, preferring to snipe and gripe while providing from the shadows.
After that night Minho seemed to seek him out more. He allowed Felix to hold his hand when they took breaks during vocal practice and rest his head on his lap when they watched movies in the living room. It was almost too good to be true.
Of course, his struggle with eating hadn’t stopped. He was skimming Twitter more often as their concert date approached and he was fasting for multiple days at a time. He was so busy juggling hiding his eating habits and trying not to pass out at schedules that he didn’t notice the growing concern of his members and the fans online.
Although, he did find a few people in support of his slimming down. Mostly on Twitter. The app glued him to his phone with endless images of skin pulled taut over bone and people tracking calories and complimenting each other. It didn’t take him long to stumble over an account dedicated to him and his group mates.
The posts complimented and praised his slim wrists and tiny waste. Pride swelled in his chest as he saw all of the comments wishing to look like him or simply thirsting over his figure. He always felt slightly guilty for scrolling endlessly through those accounts and those comments, but it only made him want to restrict more, work out harder, fast longer. He wanted to be beautiful like the people on his screen. He wanted to be perfect.
It was Twitter of all things that really damned him in the end.
On an afternoon like any other, Felix’s perfectly sustained bubble was shattered in an instant. He should have known better than to leave his phone out and unlocked, but he was exhausted after performing a stage of their comeback song and he was preoccupied with changing into more comfortable clothes.
Hyunjin’s voice had filtered through the dressing room door and he’d thought nothing of it. “I want to check what stays are saying on Twitter. Can I borrow someone’s phone? Mine’s dead.” Felix simply chuckled and shook his head. Hyunjins phone was always either dead or dying, so his borrowing someone else's phone was nothing new.
After finally changing into a pair of sweats and one of his hyungs hoodies (he was sure it had been Chan’s but it had been in everyone's closets at some point or another) he exited the dressing room and found Hyunjin sat in one of the many chairs. Changbin, Seungmin, Jeongin, and Jisung were all piled onto the mats on their own phones while Chan and Minho were taking off their makeup in front of the vanity mirrors. Felix debated on whether or not he wanted to join the cuddle pile or go to get his makeup removed when a shaky voice called out his name.
“F-Felix?” Hyunjin’s voice sounded like it never had before, causing everyone to look in his direction. His eyes were impossibly wide and his hands were shaking where they clutched a scarily familiar phone. Felix felt his heart plummet to the bottom of his feet. “Jesus, what is all this?”
Felix was completely frozen as he registered what Hyunjin had said earlier. The older one was on Twitter. Felix’s Twitter. And Felix was nearly positive that he hadn’t switched to his fake stan account since he’d last opened the app so-
Chan crossed the room in quick strides and plucked the phone from Hyunjin’s hand. All color drained from his face as he stared at the images on the screen with his jaw dropped. Felix’s skin felt like it was simultaneously on fire and freezing cold at the same time. It was then he realized that he hadn’t eaten in a whopping four days and the adrenalin from the performance was draining quickly from his body.
“It’s not what it looks like,” Felix said softly with a wavering voice. His panic was so thick he could almost choke on it.
“Really,” Chan said in a voice that had Felix’s mouth snapping shut. “Felix, we need to talk about this.”
Felix’s panic was brimming now. The lights in the room were too bright, he felt like he was going to throw up and scream at the same time. He was suddenly so tired that it hurt to keep his eyes open.
“Felix.” Minho was in front of him, hands on either side of his face. “You need to breathe. Breathe.”
He hadn’t even realized he was hyperventilating. He stared into his hyungs eyes, but as black spots entered his vision, he knew it was too late.
“I’m so tired hyung,” he whispered before darkness completely took over and he felt himself falling.
The sun is finally setting.
-
Felix awoke to the sound of a beeping machine and a soft voice singing into his ears as fingers carded through his hair. He didn’t open his eyes and simply allowed himself to float in the space between wakefulness and sleep. Eventually, he could hear the words being sung with better clarity.
“ Days pull you down just like a sinking ship. Floating is getting harder. But tread the water, child, and know that meanwhile. Rises the moon. ”
“Minho hyung,” he croaked softly, forcing his eyes open to finally look at his hyung. Minho didn’t look angry, he wore a small fond smile. “I’m sorry. I think I need help.”
Minho continued to run his fingers through Felix’s hair. “I know, pixie.”
Fingers slipped into his and Felix turned to see Chan and Changbin at his other side. The two gave him watery smiles despite the streams of tears on their cheeks.
“We’ll help you however we can. We promise.” Felix felt his lip wobble and tears fall from his eyes. “You don’t have to shine all the time. Let us be your moon. Let us take care of you.”
After the pain of hiding, the coldness of an empty dorm, and the nausea accompanying an empty stomach, Felix finally began to wonder what it felt like to recover. To be him again. He’d played with the idea of recovery before, but he knew how hard of a journey it would be.
His gaze drifted to his other group mates. Jisung, Hyunjin, Seungmin, and Jeongin were all piled onto a couch in his hospital room sound asleep. They’d all obviously been crying. He took a deep breath and turned to look at Minho, a weight lifting from his shoulders that he hadn’t even realized was there.
“And if I sink like the sun?” He asked breathlessly, unsure if he was even making sense.
“We’ll be there to help you rise again.” Minho took his unoccupied hand and squeezed. “No matter what. In the meantime, we’ll take care of everything. The sun needs to rest too.”
With a nod, Felix decided that he was done with the sleepless nights and the coldness, and the hunger pains that never seemed to leave. He was done pretending to be an open book.
“Alright,” he whispered, smiling softly at his hyungs. “I’m willing to try.”