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Noel clasp the porcelain sink tight under his hands, taking long, deliberate breaths to calm himself down.
If he was getting this worked up just thinking about it, his brain screamed, maybe it was a sign.
He pushed that though far from his mind, instead focusing on his breathing. He counted on his fingers— "one, two, three, four, five, six..."— until the feeling of throw up in his throat went away, and his vision didn't tunnel.
KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK!!
"Noelie, mate, hurry up! I've got to piss!"
Sighing, Noel rolled his eyes, but grinned at his brothers crudeness. With a couple more breaths, Noel popped open the hotels bathroom door, being all but shoved out as the door slammed behind him.
He payed no mind, instead pulling on a jacket and a beat up pair of blue and orange adidas, sitting on his bed and waiting patiently for Liam to return.
When he did, his eyes met Noels, and he dried his hands on his pants.
"Going somewhere?"
"Yes. So are you. Grab a coat," Noel replied, standing briskly and making his way to the door.
"I— what? Noel, I'm tired, I wanted to—"
"Can you please just come with me? Just a short walk around the hotel, Liam. It's important."
There was something about Noels tone that made Liam pause. Then sigh, grabbing a parka and pulling it on. "Let's go. Hurry on."
The air outside was cold. Snow rested all over the ground in a perfect white blanket only disturbed by the brothers.
Liam was hugging himself tightly, shivering every now and then. Noel had lit up a cigarette.
They were walking around the building. The back was a bit trashier than the front, but secluded. Perfect for their discussion.
Noel offered his brother a cig, who accepted with a small thanks. They stood in the shade by the building for a long time.
"I'm cold, Noel," Liam complained. "What's up?"
Breathing out smoke, Noel sighed. "I just... I love you, Liam, yeah? And you love me?"
"...Course?"
Christ, he was terrified. His hands shook, not just from the cold. He couldn't bring himself to meet Liams eyes.
"I... uh. Shit, sorry, kid, my thoughts are a bit... jumbled."
Liam shrugged, a bit off put. "Take your time, man."
Thank God for small mercies, Noel thought.
"I love you," Noel repeated. "And I.. Id support you. No matter what." Liam nodded slowly. "And you'd do the same for me, right?"
"Yeah. Er— where's this coming from?"
"Let me talk," Noel replied instead. "I'd support you. You're my brother, and nothings going to change that. And I have something really important to tell you. But I don't want you to get angry, or- or blow up, or be disgusted, right? So, I need to tell you this. And I need you to promise me you'll still be my brother."
"..I promise. Course I do, Noel. Nothings gonna change that, right?" Liam paused. "Are you.. okay? You're not leaving the band, right? You're not sick?" Fear flashed on his face suddenly. "You didn't kill anyone?" And he sounded one hundred percent serious at that.
Noel waved him off with a halfhearted chuckle, shooting a fleeting smile.
"Nothing like that," he said. "It's.. personal, i suppose."
"Oh," Liam shrugged again. "That's okay, then. Go on."
Opening his mouth, Noel found he couldn't spit the words out yet. He wanted to cry. He was shaking so badly, anxiety bubbling in his gut and clogging his throat. No matter how many times he told himself it would be okay, he couldn't shake the feeling that something awful would happen.
"I- I don't want you to hate me," Noel stuttered out. "I'm just tired. An- and I need to spit it fuckin' out. I just don't want you to- to hate me."
Liams eyes widened when he realised Noels voice was shaking. He was worried— what could be the matter?
"I'm not gonna hate you. Okay? Never. I could never. You can tell me."
Nodding, Noel squeezed his eyes shut. And suddenly he felt embarrassed. He didn't want to tell Liam. It was embarrassing. But, finally, he gritted his teeth and spit it out.
"Liam, I— I like—... I like men. S- so, I'm— I'm.. queer. Like, a lot."
There was a beat of nasty silence at that. Noel still hadn't looked up at Liam, and his mind went through every possible terrible outcome in that impossibly long silence. He was about ready to hightail it out of there, get the hell out of dodge before Liam could beat him to it.
But what he didn't expect was the soft laugh.
"That's it?"
Noels head shot up to look at him in utter confusion. "Wh- what do you mean, 'thats it'?"
"I mean, that's it? That's what you worked yourself up over? What did you expect me to do, huh?" At Noels dumbfounded expression, Liam giggled, finishing off his cigarette and tossing it in a trash bin. "So what you like a bit of dick, doesn't everyone? That's really nothing to be so ashamed of."
"Im not ashamed of it," Noel said quickly. "I'm content. I'm just— I don't know if you would be grossed out.."
"Course I'm not," Liam replied, and he turned serious. "Noel, whoever you get your rocks off to ain't none of my business. And it ain't anyone else's. That's all up to you, and anyone who's got a problem with any of it can go fuck themselves. It doesn't change who you are, mate. It's just part of you."
Noel blinked. "You don't think it's unnatural?"
"Not at all. Just like men who like women and women who like men. It's normal. It's a part of life."
Well. This is not what he expected. As the weight slowly seeped off his shoulders, Noel quickly found that the confession had worn him out so, so much more than anything in recent days.
He also found that his eyes were filling with tears, and he took a deep breath, not even bothering to try and keep them inside.
"You have no idea how reassuring that is," he laughed out. "You're a fuckin' godsend."
Liam grinned. "I know," he joked, nudging Noel's arm. "Does anyone else know— Oh my God, wait!" Realization flooded Liams face, and he pointed an accusatory finger at Noel, narrowing his eyes. "Did you and Clint...?"
Noel nodded, embarrassment flooding him as he scratched the back of his neck.
"Oh, Christ. Well that's obvious then!"
Laughing, Noel gave Liam's arm a good punch, stuffing out his cigarette in the wall. "But, no. To answer your question. Just you."
Liam hummed, shoving his hands in his pockets. "Do you plan on telling anyone. Like, Bonehead or Guigsy, all them?"
Noel shrugged, nodding his head to the right to get them moving. Their feet crunched in the snow as they went.
"I do. Well, maybe. It all depended on how you reacted, actually. Do you think they'll... I dunno. React well?"
Liam nodded. "Oh definitely. Guigsys really good with that. And Bonehead is a good fellow. Alan too, I'm sure. And if they don't like it, then... We can always find new members." Liam smiled. Genuinely. And Noel returned it thankfully. "I'm glad you told me," Liam continued, softer. "I mean, I'm glad you trusted me."
They were at the front of the hotel now. Noel nodded. "Course. You're my best friend, kid."
-
They next week or so, Noel felt better than he had in years. The weight in his chest was gone, Liam and him had grown just that bit closer, and all was good.
He was completely at peace. Nothing could go wrong.
Well, until that Friday.
The tour bus had stopped to fill up on gas, and Bonehead, Alan and Guigsy had hopped out to stretch their legs and get some snacks.
Noel and Liam stayed.
And once he was sure everyone was gone, Liam turned to Noel with curious eyes.
"So when do you plan on telling them?"
"Pardon?"
Liam looked at the thick, black curtain that wrapped around Noels bunk, a sort of 'privacy wall'. No one could see in and no one could see out.
"That you're gay," he deadpanned.
Noel blinked at the directness, but recovered quickly, shrugging. "I dunno. Soon, I guess. But if they don't take it well I don't want to ruin our tour, yknow?"
"I guess you're right," Liam replied. "Are you scared?"
"A little."
"Oh. Well, dont be. It's gonna be fine. Can I ask you a question?"
"That depends."
Liam chewed the inside of his cheek. "It's kind of personal."
Noel sighed, shrugging. "I guess not. Go ahead."
"Well," Liam started, fidgeting his his shoelaces, sat cross legged beside Noel. "I guess, how did you, like— know? Yknow. That you liked guys."
Narrowing his eyes, Noel looked at his brother quizzically. He knew Liam didn't mean to invade in his privacy, he did genuinely just want to know. But it was still odd.
"Dunno. I mean, I guess in school I had friends who would burn these... porn magazines for fun. A spiteful lot, they were. But.. I guess I got curious about them one day. I swiped one from their bags before they were set to burn it. I guess flipping through it kind of got the cigs turning." Liam made a grossed out face— he didn't want to hear his brother speak about his porno mags— and Noel swatted him around the head.
"That was it, then?"
"Well. No, I- I mean that's what put that idea in my head, though. When I was eighteen, I guess I started to experiment, but once I got with Clint, that was the nail in the coffin."
Liam nodded slowly. "Okay. I think I get it. Is that how it is for everyone?"
"Course not. Everyone's different, I suppose."
"Do you still like women, though?"
"Yes."
"So you're not really gay, then?"
"I guess not. Not entirely, anyways."
"So what would you call that then?"
"I dunno. Does there have to be a label for everything?"
Liam held his hands in surrender, shaking his head. "I'm just trying to understand."
"I think you'd call that bisexual.." And the voice wasn't from Noel or Liam, and it caused both brothers to flinch hard. Liam ripped back the curtain, only for his eyes to immediately meet with Guigsy, sat across from them on his own bed.
"G— Guigsy??" Noel squeaked out. "How long have you been there?"
Guigsy shrugged, obviously a bit nervous. "Uh.. for a bit."
"We thought you left with Bonehead and Alan," Liam said, and Guigsy nodded.
"I did for a bit. Got kinda overwhelmed in the store— funny, innit?— so I came back.."
Liam looked back at Noel, to see that all the colour had drained from his face.
"How much did you hear," Noel asked, though both of them already knew that Guigsy had heard much more than he should have.
Guigsy looked ashamed. "I didn't mean to eavesdrop," he said instead of answering. "I really didn't, guys. I'm sorry."
"It's fine," Liam answered quickly, seeing how bad Guigsy felt and not wanting that to spiral, he offered a smile, and Noel had to force himself not to pass out. Cause it wasn't okay to him— he felt so lightheaded, the panic buttons were going off in his head.
"Guigsy... You can't tell anyone else what you heard, okay," Noel said slowly, blinking away his tunnel vision as best he could.
"Of course," Guigsy replied, nodding quickly. "I wouldn't dream of telling the others. I mean, that's private. I'm not gonna blab your secrets, that's mean."
They fell into a lapse of silence. Noel finished calming himself down, Guigsy had scooted to the very corner of his bed, Liam still sat tense in Noel's bed, afraid to move.
Eventually, Guigsy broke the silence.
"I don't care, you know?"
"Pardon?" From Noel.
"About... What I heard? It's fine. Doesn't change how I feel about you. I think it's great you're able to admit that to yourself— a lot of people aren't."
Noel and Liam exchanged a glance, and Liam didn't hold back on the 'i-told-you-so' face.
"..Thank you," Noel said finally, and again, there was that urge to cry. He didn't know why, and he bit it down this time.
-
"Noel, are you okay? You've been quiet recently."
Noel pulled his eyes away from the dark window, instead looking over at Boneheads worried face.
"I'm fine," he said simply.
And Bonehead really didn't look convinced.
Liam, Guigsy and Alan were all asleep. The tour bus wouldn't arrive at their next hotel until early afternoon the next day.
"Are you sure? You can talk to me. About anything, really. If you're not feeling too hot I'm not gonna judge you."
Noel chewed the inside of his cheek, thinking. So far, Liam had been right. Guigsy was cool about it..
He just really, really didn't want to ruin this tour. And all it took was one person to have a problem with him. Deep down, he did know that Bonehead was a good guy. A really good one— he wouldn't judge (just like he'd said). But he was still... scared.
So he shook his head. "It's really nothing, mate. Don't worry about it, okay?"
"....Noel, i dont mean to press you on it, or make you say something you don't want to, but remember. We're all a team, yeah? And we've all got each others backs— thick and thin, hell or high water, right? Just know I'm here for you, whatever the—"
"I'm— I'm gay, Paul."
And really, Noel didn't know why he said it. His body had spat it out without his minds consent. Right when it left him he wished desperately he could claw it back inside.
He kept his eyes on the window, body tense, the silence all enveloping. Just before he started to have a full on panic attack, he thought of something to calm him down.
Liam was okay with it. Guigsy was okay with it. These were his friends— his family. What did he have to worry about?
So he sighed, shut his eyes, then looked over at Bonehead, much calmer than he had been.
"That's it. I'm gay. That's all it's ever been." And that sent the floodgates in his mind crashing down— that's all it's ever been. And he found he couldn't stop himself talking. "And i think I know now why I've been so afraid of it, yknow? I mean, growing up with him was fuckin' abhorrent— horrifying. And if there was even the sliver of a chance that I was— or Paul or little Liam— we'd get whacked 'round the country.
So I guess I internalized that. Not everyone's gonna be like him, and i know that. I know you and Guigsy and Liam most definitely aren't. But I think it's been so fuckin' ingrained in my brain that even I thought that way for a little. I should be disgusted at myself cause I was- was unnatural in some way."
Bonehead sat and listened to Noel talk. It was late, the rest of the band were happily and deeply asleep inside the tour bus so there was no fear. He could tell this had been forming for a while, and if Noel didn't get it out now he may explode.
"But I'm not unnatural, because there's not really a natural blueprint to begin with. I'm not doing something bad by being this way, and I didn't ask to be this way. So it's not my fault, and if it ain't something I did than that means I was born that way— which means it's natural! And he can get fucked in the ass for ever making me think any other way.
I've been so frustrated and scared my entire life. With this looming over me like some sort of bad dream. I've been terrified of anyone finding out that I never let myself really be at peace with it. I don't think there's been a second in my life I didn't fear he'd find out and out an end to it- to me..."
Noel often called his father 'he' instead of 'Dad', or even his name.
Bonehead nodded when Noel finished, looking much more worn out than when he'd started, but much more at ease, too. He gave a warm smile, and reached over to rest a hand over Noels arm.
"I'm happy you told me. You can't let this hang over you forever, yknow."
"I know," Noel said softly. "Sorry for going on a tangent, I just.." he trailed off, and Bonehead shrugged.
"Doesn't matter. You got all that out, that's al that matters. It's never good to bottle things up that much. You can always talk to me, Noel. About anything, ever."
"Thank you."
"Of course. Can i ask if you've told anyone else?"
"Liam. And Guigsy- accidentally."
"Do you plan on telling Alan?"
"Eventually, I suppose."
Bonehead nodded. "I'll be here for you when you do."
And all Noel could offer was a small smile in thanks.
_
"Did Noel come in today?"
It's been just under a year since that tour. They were recording a new album. Be Here Now. It was almost ready for release.
"I don't think so, no."
"He's never in anymore, is he?" Liams tone was bitter, but exhausted and worried all the same.
"We need him if we're going to finish this up," Bonehead sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Where do you think he is, Liam?"
A scoff. "How should I know? I'm not his keeper." And Liam wiped his nose, grumbling something or another under his breath.
"You're his brother, i just thought—"
"Well you thought wrong," Liam snapped, and the look of hurt on Boneheads face made him groan and sit down. "I'm sorry. I'm just stressed. He's probably at home, asleep. He hasn't been getting enough recently. Says he's stressed, too, but i know it's cause the drugs, really."
For all the shit Liam loved to talk, he did know his brother better than most. So Bonehead nodded.
"We should send someone to fetch him," Guigsy piped up.
They all looked around at each other.
Then fingers flew to nose tips, and each shouted in near unison, "Not it!"
There was one voice that lagged behind though, and they all turned to look at them.
"Alan has to go," Liam said smugly.
A sigh. Complaining. Then, eventually, he was tossed car keys.
"What if he doesn't answer when I knock," Alan asked. Hoping for a 'just come back'.
But it was never that easy. "There's a key. Top left corner of his doormat, just walk in. If he gets upset, tell him I sent you and he can badger me about it," Liam replied.
So Alan left the studio, annoyed but not surprised, and drove down to where Noel resided.
It was a bit of a long drive. Thirty minutes there. An hour both ways. Once he pulled into the driveway, he saw there was already a car there.
But Noel can't drive? Ah, yes. Meg was living with him. But, she must be out, because that wasn't the car he was used to seeing when Noel was dropped off at the studio, or what have you.
Whatever. They must have gotten a new one. God knows they could afford it.
Alan knocked, and, as expected, he got no answer. He tried for around ten minutes- knocking, waiting, repeating, before he finally decided to just go in.
He tried the handle— locked. Of course. He grabbed the spare key from under the mat.
There was a television going when he entered. Good, Alan thought. Noels just watching TV and this can be over with quickly. But when he entered the living room, he saw there was no one on the couch. Just some pillows, a blanket, and a stray jacket.
Alan had a weird feeling in his gut. Telling him he should just leave— he'd be better off not knowing what Noel was up to. But he knew the scolding he'd get if he returned empty handed, so he pressed on, eventually finding the stairs.
He just had to find Noels bedroom. That was the most logical place he could be, right? The TV drowned out his footsteps— Christ, it was loud!
He found a bathroom, a guest room, and an empty one. Then a fully furnished, lived in one.
It must be Noels, he thought. But there wasn't a shirt guitarist inside. The closet, from what he could see, only held womens clothes. This was a womens room. Megs room.
So they slept separately.
Down the hall was empty, besides a door right at the end. It must have been Noels.
He didn't bother knocking. He was frustrated, tired, and just wanted to get back to the studio.
Though, really, Alan wished he would have.
When he pushed the door open he was met with a sight he really, really didn't want to see. Didn't want to think about. Wanted bleached from his eyes.
He only allowed himself to bite two things.
That wasn't Meg Noel was with. And it wasn't a woman, either.
When the door opened, Noel had yelled a profanity and scrambled under the covers, pulling them over himself so he could just barely peek out at who was at the door.
"What the fuck are you doing here!?" Was said much at the same time as, "Oh my God, I'm so sorry—!"
Noel was red as a tomatoe, embarrassment flooding his features, cussing like a sailor.
“I was sent to get you to the studio,” Alan desperately tried to explain, covering his face with his hands.
"Get the fuck out, Alan! Jesus fucking christ, what the fuck!"
And Alan could do nothing but nod, slam the door shut, and race out of the house, jump in his car, and race back to the studio.
Noel didn’t come in that day. Alan was too embarrassed to explain why, but the band could deduce that he’d walked in on something by how he was acting.
He did come in the day after, however. He still looked flustered. He only spoken two words that day. To a statement Alan said to him.
“That was a man.”
“Yes.”
“Megs a woman.”
“Obviously.”