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“Tucker! What the hell is this?”
Tucker looked up at the shrill calling of his name, sighing as he wondered what he had done wrong this time. Wash stormed up to him, gripping a slightly crumpled piece of paper in his hand. Before Tucker could open his mouth to ask what Wash wanted, the paper was shoved in his face.
Tucker scanned they paper quickly, then realized what Wash was upset about. He decided to play dumb, deciding that that would get Wash’s voice the highest. He had a bet running with Grif for whoever could blow Wash’s voice out first.
“Uh, that’s my report for our last mission,” Tucker said, hiding the smirk that tried to creep up on him.
Wash’s eyebrows scrunched together as he scowled. “Right. So, what the fuck is this? All your report says is ‘It was really boring.’ There’s a format you need to follow! And there are no details in this, it’s useless. This is the kind of work I would expect from Grif, not you.”
Tucker looked up at Wash from his spot on the worn out couch. “Dude, chill. Did you really think that I would write a detailed and perfectly structured field report about our walk around the outside of our base?”
“We need these reports about the defenses so we can improve them,” Wash told him slowly, as if he were talking to a five-year-old.
Tucker cleared his throat as he realized that something Wash had said made no sense. “Defenses, right.”
Wash’s eyes snapped shut in irritation and Tucker watched as he clenched his jaw, probably to keep from screaming. Wash opened his eyes again and glared at him. “Tucker, we sent you and Caboose on that mission so that you could check for flaws in the outside defenses. Did you just fucking walk around and come back?”
At the mention of his name, Caboose looked up from the video game he had been playing on his 3DS. Palomo had given it to him with the promise of no drills for half a week. Since then, Caboose’s eyes had been glued to the screen, playing whatever old games they could find. “We took Freckles on a walk! It was fun,” he said cheerfully.
“Lavernius, you’re going to get your ass off of that couch and go write me a decent report,” Washington ordered, that ‘I’m not fucking with you’ tone in his voice.
Tucker sighed in resignation and pulled himself up as Wash stalked out of the room.
~*~
Tucker stared at Palomo in complete defeat, wanting to know what he had done to deserve this. His lieutenant stared back, blinking expectantly as he waited for an answer. Bitters stood right behind Palomo and was giving him a look that asked ‘Dude, why the fuck did you say that?’
“No, Palomo. I did not have sex with the alien,” Tucker sighed in that way Wash did sometimes.
“But you had its baby! So there’s obviously something you’re not telling us. Hmm?” Palomo wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.
Wash snorted, but kept his eyes down as they scanned across the page of his book. Caboose watched the conversation take place with a look of confusion.
With a roll of his eyes, Tucker tried to keep his patience and explain to Palomo what had happened. “Dude, if I had had sex with an alien, I would be bragging about it. Believe me, I didn’t fuck anyone.”
Palomo huffed in frustration. “Right, but can I tell everyone that you had sex with the alien? It makes you sound way more cool! Like you can seduce anyone, even-“
“No! Oh my God, I didn’t have sex with the fucking alien! I didn’t even like Crunchbite!” Tucker snapped. He definitely didn’t want that rumor flying around the base. If he allowed Palomo to change the story, by the end of the day everybody would think that he had banged an alien.
Palomo’s face fell and he opened his mouth as if he were going to argue his point further, but Bitters grabbed his hand and dragged him away before he could say anything else. Tucker rubbed at his temples, feeling a headache coming on. He had started getting them whenever Palomo got on his nerves, which slightly scared Tucker. Maybe he was starting to act like Wash, the same way that Grif was slowly starting to be more like Sarge.
Tucker collapsed onto the rec room’s couch between Wash and Caboose. Wash finally looked up from his book to smirk at Tucker. “So, tell me, Lavernius. Did you really bang ‘Crunchbite?’”
“Shut the fuck up, asshole.” Tucker groaned and halfheartedly tossed a pillow at Wash’s face in annoyance. Wash easily batted it back into Tucker’s lap and that cocky grin stayed on his face.
“How are babies made?” Caboose suddenly asked.
Tucker and Wash both froze, then exchanged shocked expressions. Before Wash could open his mouth to stumble through an answer, Tucker jumped up from the couch and ran out of the room with speed that rivaled Carolina.
~*~
The stitch in Tucker’s side made his stomach churn horribly and his legs ached as he pushed himself to keep running. The Reds had collapsed on the track ten minutes ago, with Grif going down first. And by going down first, he meant that he never started. The only reason that Grif had come to morning training was because of threats from the troops.
Wash ran next to Tucker, looking like this was a simple jog for him. He had barely even broken a sweat and he didn’t seem winded at all. Meanwhile, Tucker was absolutely drenched and was gasping with every step he took. Somehow, Caboose managed to keep their pace and chatter endlessly the whole time. Tucker had tuned him out around the time that Simmons had given up.
“You alright there, Captain Tucker?” Wash asked easily. Tucker could hear the teasing tone in his voice and knew that Wash could be going faster, but had chosen to stick with him. For that, Tucker was grateful. He didn’t know if he would still be going if Wash hadn’t been prompting him to stay up.
Tucker didn’t answer right away. Instead, he tried to think of a way to respond that would talk the least energy. Finally, he decided on, “I’m great,” through gritted teeth.
Wash had the audacity to chuckle. “Are you sure? We can give up any time that you want to.”
“Fuck you,” Tucker moaned as he kept going.
“Tucker! You’re not giving up! Yay!” Caboose cheered from just behind him. Tucker had to resist the urge to flip him off, repeatedly telling himself that he would just get upset like the last time.
Wash looked over at him, with a smile that Tucker would almost call lazy if they hadn’t been doing laps for thirty minutes. “Caboose is right. Good job, Lavernius. You can do it!”
Now Tucker knew Wash was trying to irritate him. He had no problem giving Wash the middle finger as they went for another lap.
~*~
Crash!
Everyone immediately turned to look at Caboose and the completely crushed box at his feet. Caboose stared down at it, then looked up at them with wide eyes. His gaze quickly fell on Tucker and he tried to look mad.
“Tucker! You shouldn’t break boxes!” He scolded with a sharp tone.
Wash looked perplexed, which explained why he kept his mouth shut as Tucker groaned, “Just clean it up, Caboose.”
Caboose furrowed his brow and put on his best frown. “I shouldn’t have to clean up your mess, Tucker!”
“Caboose, we can see that you broke it,” Simmons pointed out.
Caboose gasped, looking legitimately offended that Simmons would even say that. “I did not! Tucker, clean this glass up right now!”
With an annoyed glance at Wash, who looked like he was stifling a laugh, Tucker sighed. “It’s pretty obvious that I didn’t break it. You did.”
Caboose scowled. “Lavender! Just do what I tell you to do!”
There was a brief silence in the room as everyone stared at Caboose and Tucker. Tucker’s jaw dropped in shock and he managed to splutter out, “Caboose, no, that’s not my na- Oh, forget it.”
“Wait a second,” Grif interjected, “Caboose, did you just call Tucker ‘Lavender?’”
Tucker shot Wash the meanest glare that he could muster as he burst into laughter. It didn’t take long for the entire group to start laughing, with the exceptions of Caboose and Tucker. Caboose just stood there, wondering what was so funny and Tucker fumed at him silently.
Wash was left clutching at his stomach and wiping at his eyes, with the biggest grin Tucker had ever seen on him. “Holy shit, I can’t believe that just happened,” he managed.
Tucker had to admit that his anger lessened at the sight of Wash actually enjoying himself, so he decided to let the mistake slide just this once.